In this episode of FINDING JOY I am talking to my husband about marriage and parenting, covering:

• How we connect in marriage amidst busy schedules and parenting
• The importance of emotional check-ins
• The biggest mindset shifts we made through marriage
• How we make our differences work for us

00;00;00;02 – 00;00;24;03

Guarav

And our role together is to attempt to make this work with all the good and all the bad. To find a way to continue to grow together. To evolve together. And sometimes it’s not going to be pretty. And there are often times where there’s tears and moments of anger and sadness and disappointment. But I look at those as moments of growth.

 

00;00;24;05 – 00;00;35;28

Guarav

Those are moments of growth. And as long as we remember that we’re in this together, and I always remind you of this, that no matter what happens, we’re always on the same team.

 

00;00;36;00 – 00;01;00;19

Dr. Mona

Hey, everyone. Welcome back to the PedsDocTalk Podcast, a podcast that keeps growing because of you and your reviews. So thank you so much for tuning in and being here today. After my last finding Joy episode, I had a few reviews that I really wanted to share, so continue to add those reviews. We are almost at a thousand reviews at the time of this recording, and I wanted to just share a couple that truly means so much to me.

 

00;01;00;19 – 00;01;24;06

Dr. Mona

I love hearing your feedback. I love hearing how these episodes resonate with you, especially these finding Joy episodes. The first review was from Cheer Girl nine. Very relatable. The finding Joy episode about being tired of making lemonade was amazing. I feel so validated. My son has special needs and people would tell me how lucky it was that his mom was a preschool special education teacher, so she must know exactly what to do.

 

00;01;24;08 – 00;01;42;03

Dr. Mona

Well, that was true in some degree. It didn’t make the diagnosis any less difficult. I appreciate Doctor Mona saying it’s okay to feel that way. I felt the same way. Make sure you listen to that finding Joy episode about making lemons at lemonade, because I talk about going through grief and the things that people say when you’re going through a hard time.

 

00;01;42;06 – 00;02;02;16

Dr. Mona

The other review was from Shreya 1810 and she wrote love it. I have been listening to Doctor Mona’s podcast since day one. It is rare to find a podcast that’s informative, motivating and uplifting at the same time. Doctor Mona does this beautifully. I really love her finding Joy series episodes and listen to them multiple times. Thank you so much for all your dedication, vulnerability and knowledge.

 

00;02;02;16 – 00;02;27;06

Dr. Mona

Doctor. Mona, please keep it coming. Thank you so much Shreya. It means so much to me to read these reviews because I love providing this blend for you on this podcast and on this finding Joy episode. I normally do these on my own, but I invited a very special guest on this episode. I invite my husband, Gaurav to talk to me about finding joy in marriage and parenting.

 

00;02;27;08 – 00;02;29;23

Dr. Mona

Hello! Welcome to the podcast.

 

00;02;29;25 – 00;02;30;28

Guarav

Hi.

 

00;02;31;00 – 00;02;48;01

Dr. Mona

Hi. Well, we’re sitting in two different rooms in my house that we could record this. And I am so excited to talk to you. You know, we’ve done a live before. For anyone who follows me on my Instagram, this is right when the pandemic started. But now I’m just so excited to have my husband Gaurav on the episode.

 

00;02;48;04 – 00;02;50;02

Dr. Mona

How are you doing today, sweetie?

 

00;02;50;04 – 00;02;55;27

Guarav

I’m good. I’m been looking forward to this chat for a really long time, so I’m excited to be here.

 

00;02;55;29 – 00;03;16;06

Dr. Mona

Well, we are doing a finding Joy episode about marriage and, you know, navigating all the things that we do as parents. And I had asked my followers on my Instagram account for questions. And that’s going to kind of guide this conversation. And, you know, me and my husband have been through a lot. You know, we work in health care.

 

00;03;16;06 – 00;03;24;00

Dr. Mona

In a pandemic. We had Ryan through traumatic birth. So we’ve had a lot of ups and downs, if you will. I’m sure you can agree, right?

 

00;03;24;02 – 00;03;40;21

Guarav

Yeah, we have definitely had our fair share of ups and downs over the years. And, you know, we’ve gotten through them together and, I’m sure there’ll be a few more to come in our way in the future. But, yeah, we’ve we’ve been through a lot together for sure.

 

00;03;40;24 – 00;03;56;07

Dr. Mona

Yeah. And I think a lot of that happened ever since Ryan’s delivery. I mean, obviously there were ups and downs before Ryan’s delivery, but it feels like the last two years, having a child in a pandemic and all that happened at his birth has been kind of the the changing point, if you agree.

 

00;03;56;10 – 00;04;16;04

Guarav

Yeah. I think that, you know, we took a moment that was supposed to be a very exciting point in our life with the birth of our first child and all the the things that we were looking forward to. And then life kind of just smacked us in the face right away. And it’s kind of been a, I wouldn’t want to say, a never ending cycle.

 

00;04;16;04 – 00;04;35;14

Guarav

But, you know, soon after the pandemic started, you know, being frontline worker in a pandemic, not sure of how safe it was to go to work securing PPE and, and all of the things that have kind of trickled down from that point forward, safe to say, you know, it’s been a difficult, couple of years, I would say for sure.

 

00;04;35;17 – 00;04;52;26

Dr. Mona

Yeah. And, you know, marriage sometimes takes a backseat to all of this when you have work and children and all of that. And so a lot of my followers were asking, you know, how do we make our marriage work? And obviously, I think every marriage has their ups and downs, and there’s always going to be something to learn out of every relationship.

 

00;04;52;26 – 00;05;10;15

Dr. Mona

But what do you think makes this situation work? Our schedules is one of the biggest things. You know my husband Gaurav, he’s an ER doc. So shift work. So there’s mornings and evenings and afternoons and weekends. And I also work in health care. I have more of a 9 to 5 and I work part time and work on the podcast and other stuff.

 

00;05;10;17 – 00;05;21;24

Dr. Mona

But what do you think makes our marriage work? Like what do you think are the good things that kind of you’ll say, you know what this is something that helps us. This is something that, you know, helps our communication. Things like that.

 

00;05;21;26 – 00;05;38;29

Guarav

I think one of the biggest things for you and I, and I mentioned this quite often, too, is that one person’s strengths are the other person’s weakness and vice versa. And so that’s very apparent in our marriage, as you know, that there are certain things that I’m really good at and certain things that I’m not great at.

 

00;05;38;29 – 00;05;58;16

Guarav

And I’ll give an example to everyone. It’s like, you know, organization and being on top of deadlines and making sure that food meals are scheduled and Ryan’s things are scheduled and all that stuff like that is where you excel at more than than anyone. And those are areas in life where I could probably do better, and vice versa.

 

00;05;58;16 – 00;06;12;00

Guarav

And so I think that we do a great job of complementing each other’s strengths and weaknesses really well. And that makes for a well oiled machine. If you’d say in terms of our team and the way we work together.

 

00;06;12;02 – 00;06;34;08

Dr. Mona

I, I love that and I, I appreciate you so much because like, when we do go through those moments of, you know, either you’re having a hard time or I’m having a hard time, I mean, the I’ll, I’ll use the example, the traumatic delivery. We both were going through a very hard time. That was actually probably in the last two years, the one thing that both of us at the same time were grieving at the same time, going through the motions.

 

00;06;34;14 – 00;06;51;08

Dr. Mona

And then since then we’ve kind of had, like you said, that balance of, you know, I help you, you help me, and we pick each other up, which has been very much a blessing. You know, I love that that we can kind of look at each other and say, okay, here’s your strengths and here’s what I excel at and how are we going to mix it together?

 

00;06;51;10 – 00;07;10;08

Dr. Mona

One of the things like, I really love that we started doing a little more consistently. I would say, like in the last month from this recording, are the check ins, you know, like, I know you actually brought it up. You wanted to kind of make sure that we check in every evening on something that wasn’t just related to tasks, right?

 

00;07;10;08 – 00;07;25;25

Dr. Mona

I mean, I think so many times we in marriage especially, you get used to like, okay, what do I have to do for Ryan who needs to go to the grocery store? What do we need to do for this X, Y, and Z trip or whatever? And it becomes so task driven. And I really love that we do those check ins.

 

00;07;25;28 – 00;07;28;11

Dr. Mona

Can you tell people like what we do with those check ins?

 

00;07;28;13 – 00;07;51;13

Guarav

Yeah. So just to, you know, back on what you were saying, piggyback on what you were saying, it can be very easy to fall into the mundane routines of life and whatnot and schedules and getting your kids here and getting your kids there and swim classes and all that stuff that oftentimes relationships, you know, marriages can take the backseat when the child is the priority.

 

00;07;51;16 – 00;08;26;12

Guarav

And what can happen at times is you almost function as roommates as opposed to a couple in a marriage. And a lot of that romance and that intimacy in those deep conversations that you had, you know, before you had children kind of go by the wayside. And I think those conversations are still important to have. And so I like to take a few moments or minutes during the night before we go to bed to really talk on a deeper level, not just about the mundane tasks that we have to do the next day, but to connect on a deeper level in terms of how we’re feeling that day.

 

00;08;26;14 – 00;08;44;04

Guarav

What’s some of the things that are making us anxious or, you know, sad, or what are some things that we’re excited about or looking forward to, you know, just sitting without any distractions, without any phones kind of looking each other in the eye. And this could be something that could take five minutes, you could spend 30 minutes doing it.

 

00;08;44;04 – 00;09;05;02

Guarav

But I just think that, you know, with so many distractions in life right now, with your phone at your wayside and all the things that we have to get done as parents, you can lose that intimacy very, very quickly. And I think that that tends to cause some issues in marriages if you’re not careful about it. And days can turn into weeks and weeks to years.

 

00;09;05;02 – 00;09;27;06

Guarav

And before you know it, you’re not even sure who the other person is that you’re looking at across the table. So I think it’s important that you take time. It doesn’t have to be every day, but, you know, scheduling date nights regularly or taking the time to really connect on a spousal level is super important for the health of the relationship and just for the health of the family unit as a whole.

 

00;09;27;09 – 00;09;47;03

Dr. Mona

I love it. We Gaurav actually calls it the state of the Union meetings. Like we talk about like how things are going and we used to do them less frequently and now we’re doing it more. And, you know, to be perfectly honest, like with our schedules, right. Because we have works a lot of evenings. So he’ll work, you know, like during the bedtime routine evenings when he does work, he doesn’t work every day.

 

00;09;47;10 – 00;10;05;24

Dr. Mona

So it’s not happening that we’re doing this every day. Of course, we talk via like text messaging and stuff, but it’s not the same, right? Texting each other about how things are going is not the same as sitting in a room and feeling your feelings and talking with you about, hey, like here are my feelings right now. And I think that’s the big thing, right?

 

00;10;05;24 – 00;10;26;27

Dr. Mona

These check ins are not just like, hey, so how’s it going? It’s like, hey, like, how are you feeling about Ryan’s dated? How are you feeling about your career? How are you feeling about this situation? You know, that’s going on. So it’s a deeper connection of feelings. And who doesn’t love talking about feelings? And I think, was that something that came easy to you to just talk to me about feelings?

 

00;10;26;27 – 00;10;41;29

Dr. Mona

Like, I mean, our relationship kind of started with us talking more because we met online before we actually met in person. So our entire relationship was actually based on talking. I mean, our first phone conversation was, what, like seven hours?

 

00;10;42;02 – 00;11;11;20

Guarav

Yeah. I think, our first few conversations or I mean, before we even met, I think we were just talking for a month nonstop and, you know, having really deep, connected calls and conversations and, you know, that’s something that has not always been easy for me, being an introvert, that I am expressing myself, going a layered deeper, than surface level all talk, has not been something that’s been always easy for me.

 

00;11;11;20 – 00;11;29;21

Guarav

But I find that when I’m able to go to that next level is where I truly find wisdom and strength and all those things to make this relationship in our marriage work. So no, it hasn’t always been easy for me to be vulnerable and things of that nature. But, the more we do it, the better we get at it.

 

00;11;29;21 – 00;11;35;23

Guarav

So I think that it’s important that you try to make that effort and see what you can get out of it, you know?

 

00;11;36;00 – 00;11;58;10

Dr. Mona

Yeah, I love marriage and I love being married to you because obviously you learn so much through the process. It’s kind of like being a parent, right? When you’re a parent, you learn through the process of being a parent more about your role as a parent, but also about yourself. And I think one of the biggest things that we had to learn, and I’m going to speak for myself, is that we are different in how we communicate, and we are different in our extroversion introversion.

 

00;11;58;10 – 00;12;29;07

Dr. Mona

Like you mentioned that you’re more of an introvert. Like, I think it’s safe to say that I’m more of an extrovert. And going back to what you said about the balance, right? Like we balance each other out. We absolutely balance each other out on that aspect. Now, I am more of a selective extrovert and I think you are to like some situations, you’ll be more likely to be more extroverted, but I think that was so important to me through the what, six years that we’ve been married, in the nine years that we’ve been together, to kind of start to learn more, that I can’t expect you to be a certain way.

 

00;12;29;08 – 00;12;51;10

Dr. Mona

Right. I think in marriage you sometimes think that, okay, well, I marry this person, I can change them or I can make them this way, or they’ll be like this or, you know, and it’s really important to kind of remember that this is the person you married. We grow together, we grow individually. But I also have to respect the fact that, you know, I can’t force or push you to communicate a certain way.

 

00;12;51;10 – 00;13;21;26

Dr. Mona

Or maybe your love language is different, right? Like, I may be more like physical affection, where you’re more like gifts or acts of service, you know, like you make breakfast for me or something like that, versus more hugs and kisses. Right? And I think that is such an important thing for people to realize that you got to know each other’s communication style, love language and just also all of that to kind of be able to work with each other and not try to essentially fix each other, because I think that’s when you can kind of get into the, disappointment.

 

00;13;21;26 – 00;13;29;14

Dr. Mona

Right? Like when you’re just in a fixing mode versus a, hey, here’s who you are, and let’s now make this work and let’s grow and be better together.

 

00;13;29;17 – 00;13;47;13

Guarav

Yeah. I love the thing that you commented about, like trying to fix the other person. I think that this is something that’s very pervasive in a lot of relationships in this day and age. And you know, what I’ll say to the people out there is that we can only control one thing. And the only thing that we can control is ourselves and our thoughts.

 

00;13;47;15 – 00;14;13;25

Guarav

And sometimes we will find ourselves in relationships that will fill certain needs that we may have not gotten as a child or things like that. Nature will get into our relationship, and we’ll say things like, oh, when he or she does this, or when I get them to do this, things will be great and I will remind everyone that we have no control over another person’s actions or thoughts or anything like that.

 

00;14;13;28 – 00;14;36;00

Guarav

We have no idea what the other person has gone through in their lifetime, how they process the environment around them, how they react to certain things. And the sooner that you’re able to accept that and accept that your role in this relationship is to not be able to change the other person, but to change yourself and to change your perspective about the other person.

 

00;14;36;03 – 00;15;08;16

Guarav

You’ll find inner peace sooner rather than later. You won’t have unmet expectations. You won’t have this, feeling of disappointment. Or ask the what ifs or what could be when you turn the focus inwards instead of outwards, that’s when you find true inner peace and wisdom. And that’s not easy to do sometimes. Right? Like you were mentioning, you know, we have very different stories before we ever met, the way we were raised and things of that nature and those stories of how we were raised shaped who we are today.

 

00;15;08;16 – 00;15;31;24

Guarav

And they’re very, very different. And, you know, me and you talk about this all the time, how different our upbringing was from your family to my family. And we both bring those strengths and traumas with us into the marriage. And it’s our job to recognize some of the not so pleasant things about our upbringing and the qualities that we have.

 

00;15;32;09 – 00;15;59;12

Guarav

And to not ignore them, but to acknowledge them. But it’s also important to acknowledge the other person’s traumas as well, and understand that they are not perfect. They are a flawed human being, just like I’m a flawed human being. And our role together is to attempt to make this work with all the good and all the bad, to find a way to continue to grow together, to evolve together.

 

00;15;59;14 – 00;16;40;16

Guarav

And sometimes it’s not going to be pretty. And there are often times where there’s tears and moments of anger and sadness and disappointment. But I look at those as moments of growth. Those are moments of growth. And as long as we remember that we’re in this together, and I always remind you of this, that no matter what happens, we’re always on the same team and we’re never playing for a different team against each other, that we’re always in this together and even if I’ll say something that upsets you or you’ll do something that kind of irks me, I just always kind of remind myself that we made a conscious decision to form this union, and

 

00;16;40;16 – 00;17;15;12

Guarav

I’m going to honor that union by accepting you fully for who you are, the good and the bad, and that we’re just going to continue to try and make this work every day, knowing that it’s not going to be pretty at times. And without putting immense expectation on what a perfect relationship should look like or should feel like, because I think that’s a lot of what ends up happening in this day and age, is that a lot of people carry around these expectations of what their spouse is going to look like, or what marriage is going to feel like.

 

00;17;15;14 – 00;17;42;04

Guarav

And when those expectations go unmet, there’s a certain level of disappointment. And if that disappointment is not dealt with, that disappointment turns into resentment. And once you go down the rabbit hole of resentment, there’s no coming back at that point. So it’s about just being mindful that you can’t control the other person. You shouldn’t try to change anyone, except for changing your own thoughts and trying to be a better version of yourself and bringing that to the table.

 

00;17;42;06 – 00;18;04;06

Dr. Mona

And I, I this is why I love our check ins. Like this is for right? For everyone listening like this is what we kind of do in our check ins. Like we talk about life growth, not just about, you know, test like we said, but just about feelings and how we can just be better for each other. And, you know, one thing I’ll say about Bora is that and I do for him too, is that we call each other out on things that we need to improve on, like in a nice way.

 

00;18;04;06 – 00;18;17;29

Dr. Mona

Right? Like he’ll say, like, you know, like the reaction that you gave me or what you said may not, you know, it didn’t make me feel good or whatever. And then vice versa. There’s that, that happening on a two way street, which I think is so helpful for growth. And I’ll be honest, sometimes I get a little bit like, wait, what?

 

00;18;17;29 – 00;18;35;11

Dr. Mona

Like, what are you telling me? And I have to sit back and say, well, yeah, he’s actually kind of right that maybe I should do this a little bit better. Or I could be this a little bit better. And that takes a lot of humility. That takes a lot of insight, which I think, you know, one thing I love about Gaurav so much is that he also has humility and insight as well.

 

00;18;35;15 – 00;18;53;02

Dr. Mona

Insight into understanding that he’s human and that we’re, like he said, flawed and that we’re amazing at certain things and that we can grow in certain things. And I think that’s what makes us work in a way. And, you know, I think when you’re so busy with life and careers and stuff like that, this can all go to the wayside.

 

00;18;53;07 – 00;19;13;05

Dr. Mona

Like we mentioned. How would you say you find joy in the marriage or find joy in the relationship when things are kind of more difficult or, you know, you’re so busy, like, how do we kind of connect when it seems like we’re just kind of getting into that roommate mode? Like, what would you say has been really helpful?

 

00;19;14;03 – 00;19;34;14

Guarav

Well, you know, I think that at a certain point in everyone’s relationships or marriage, especially when there’s kids involved, you’re going to go into this sort of autopilot mode, right? This routine. And that’s not a bad thing. Right? Routine is a good thing. You know, children need structure like you mentioned, and they need routine and they need all those things.

 

00;19;34;14 – 00;19;53;11

Guarav

So I’m not lambasting routines or any of that. I’m just putting emphasis on that. You have to also have moments where you do check in with the other person that you’re going through life with, just to make sure that you’re letting it out there. And what some of those things that may be bothering that person or feelings or whatnot.

 

00;19;54;05 – 00;20;18;04

Guarav

You know, and I think we’ve done a pretty good job in the last two years, especially with, you know, the pandemic. It’s made things difficult. Restaurants are closed and stuff like that. But, you know, one of the things that you and I love the most is getting dressed up and going out for a nice dinner, having a couple of cocktails and, you know, talking about what our dreams are, what our aspirations are, you know, talking about Ryan and how much he’s grown up and what we hope for the future.

 

00;20;18;06 – 00;20;42;00

Guarav

I think that’s one of the things that you and I enjoy the most. We enjoy traveling before the pandemic as well, so we hope to continue to do that. But, yeah, just taking those moments after Ryan goes to bed, sitting down watching a show together, talking about it, you know, none of these things are like, super fancy or require all of this hoopla and fanfare.

 

00;20;42;00 – 00;21;00;11

Guarav

These are just like simple acts of connection. Yeah, that anyone can take at any point during the day, regardless of how busy or schedules are. It’s a matter of making it a priority. And if you don’t make it a priority, something else is going to take its place and you’re going to fill your time with something else.

 

00;21;00;13 – 00;21;17;23

Guarav

So I think it’s always important that you and I prioritize our marriage and our relationship, whether it be five minutes or an hour or a dinner on Saturday night or something like that. Those moments are crucial for the overall well-being of our marriage, I think.

 

00;21;17;26 – 00;21;35;28

Dr. Mona

Yeah, and I think we talked about, like, what we love to connect over. And every marriage may look a little different on what they connect. I mean, for me and you, it definitely is travel and nights out for a date night, like dinner and like you said, dressing up and having maybe a drink. But when the pandemic hit, we weren’t able to do a lot of that travel.

 

00;21;35;28 – 00;21;56;23

Dr. Mona

So, you know, I think me and you both had that maybe dream I did that when Ryan would be born. We would take him on our travels. Right. Because we traveled. I mean, you traveled so much before we had Ryan, and we were like, we’ll scoop Ryan up and we’ll go. But the pandemic made that extremely difficult because of, you know, Covid restrictions and, you know, all the limitations there.

 

00;21;57;00 – 00;22;15;14

Dr. Mona

And then with date nights, also with Covid. And, you know, in Florida, things didn’t really close but just also became childcare. You know, I mean, you don’t have family around. We had a nanny lost a nanny had another great nanny. She left like we never really had that stability to have the date night, which was so important for us.

 

00;22;15;19 – 00;22;32;04

Dr. Mona

So I remember there was a point I reached a point where I felt kind of sad and almost burnt out that I was like, I don’t feel like I can connect with you. And that’s when you brought up the check ins like, hey, we don’t really need to have all of these things. We need to make it a point to have those evening check ins when I’m not working.

 

00;22;32;09 – 00;22;48;00

Dr. Mona

And before we do anything, you know, my evenings kind of look like this. Either we watch a show together and if there’s no show that is new and we like we used to watch This Is Us and now it’s over. You know, Gorham may watch this for us or watch something, and then I’ll maybe work on talk stuff.

 

00;22;48;00 – 00;23;03;24

Dr. Mona

And it can, like you said, it can get very easy to just get into that autopilot of, I’ll just work on talk stuff. He’ll just watch his own thing, but that we don’t even talk to each other. And so now we take that 30, you know, sometimes it’s 30 minutes, sometimes it’s an hour. Sometimes, like you said, it’s only five minutes.

 

00;23;04;01 – 00;23;16;20

Dr. Mona

But it it really helps. And one of the nicest things like I remember we had one of those like a few weeks ago and you just turned to me and you were like, this really helps me. And I was like, oh, like, just because, you know, we were going through some hard times and you’re like, it just really helps to talk.

 

00;23;16;20 – 00;23;48;01

Dr. Mona

And I was like, it really does help to talk. And sometimes we forget it. Like the person that you chose to spend your life with. Like we just again go into the motions and you just kind of forget that. Let me, let me talk to them like I need to spend that moment and not rush. And it’s so hard as parents, you know, because you have a child and you’re doing so much for that child, and then you obviously maybe you work, maybe you have other things you have to do that you do get into that task mode, and that task mode can rip away the romance, can rip away all that things that really

 

00;23;48;01 – 00;24;06;05

Dr. Mona

can, you know, make us feel that connection again. And romance is, you know, in marriage, I look at romance, it’s two different things, right? Obviously people think like it’s the physical romance, but also it’s this spiritual emotional connection. It’s this talking like we talk about like to me that is so important as well that I think people need to remember that.

 

00;24;06;05 – 00;24;12;29

Dr. Mona

That is also very important connection that is very helpful for the marriage and any relationship.

 

00;24;13;01 – 00;24;42;20

Guarav

Yeah. You made a great point that, you know, romance can go by the wayside, as parents and whatnot, but romance doesn’t have to look like what it looks like on TV. Yeah. And I think a lot of people will get lost in, again, that expectation that that’s what romance looks like. Like it’s dressing up and it’s passionate and all of these things and, you know, as the years go by, I think a lot of relationships, you lose that initial flame, that initial rush that you had when you first started dating.

 

00;24;42;27 – 00;25;06;04

Guarav

But everything buddy has to remember that that’s normal with anything in life. And your relationship evolves over time, and it’s not going to look the same that it did when you first met as young twentysomethings in New York City with no responsibilities. And and it’s an understanding that your life will evolve, your relationship will evolve. It’s going to look different than it did a year ago.

 

00;25;06;07 – 00;25;28;28

Guarav

Now, you throw in things outside of with on a daily basis, and it can be a lot to overcome, and it can really put a strain on a relationship. And I think you would agree that, you know, we’ve had more frequent moments of difficulty in the last two years, just between you and I, just due to all of these outside factors that we couldn’t control.

 

00;25;29;01 – 00;26;06;09

Guarav

And I think it did put a strain on our marriage for a short period of time. And I think we were short with each other and we were kind of dismissive, and maybe we did held a little bit of resentment towards the situation, and we just didn’t know how to express it at the time. Yeah. And it’s those moments in life where it’s important to recognize what’s going on and then take a step back and be like, hey, the only way that we’re going to get through this life upheaval or whatever it is, and I always harp on this, Mona, and you’ll agree, is that to always remind myself that we’re on the same

 

00;26;06;09 – 00;26;41;00

Guarav

team, that we’re not fighting against each other, we’re fighting with each other, and that it’s us versus a pandemic. It’s us versus loss of childcare. It’s us versus, you know, secondary infertility. It’s us versus Ryan getting sick every 4 or 5 days. So I always come back to that concept that it’s never me and you and I never, you know, I know, you know, I like to say this in conversations, whatever.

 

00;26;41;03 – 00;27;07;03

Guarav

Like, I don’t like to use the word I or you when we’re talking about a situation, I always like to use the word us because it’s always us versus something. It’s never me versus you. And that’s something that’s very important to me because it’s so easy to divide one another amongst stressors in life or whatever it may be.

 

00;27;07;06 – 00;27;26;01

Dr. Mona

What would you say is like the big mindset shift that you’ve learned in the last two years? And I guess it coincides with the pandemic, too, right? But in general, in marriage, like in the last six years that we’ve been married, what has been the biggest thing that you’ve kind of learned as a take home on how we have to continue to, you know, grow.

 

00;27;26;03 – 00;27;51;28

Guarav

I think that the last two years for me and this just goes back to like, you know, who we are and, you know, both being physicians and very driven and very process oriented and goal oriented and our whole lives and I think you’ll agree, have been very much controllable in the sense that do A and you’ll get B, do B, and then you will get C.

 

00;27;52;00 – 00;28;19;11

Guarav

And then once you finish med school you’ll residency and all of that stuff. And so we’ve both grown up in this controlled environment. And the last two years have really shown me or both of us, how little in life we actually have control over. Right. That was difficult for me to accept and to deal with, as you know, especially early on in the pandemic and more so with Ryan’s birth trauma and all of that stuff.

 

00;28;19;14 – 00;28;54;26

Guarav

So for me, the biggest perspective or shift that I’ve had in the last two years, and this is applicable to our relationship, is just acceptance for what is in front of me and not trying to focus in on what I thought would be or what I thought should be or unmet expectations, and really just accepting our life for what it is right now, knowing that this is a temporary moment in time, knowing that tomorrow could bring something great or it could bring something tragic.

 

00;28;54;26 – 00;29;13;12

Guarav

And I have no control over either one of those things. And so for me, it’s been an eye opener to come to that realization that there’s very little in life that I have control over. But the things that I do have control over are the things that I’m going to prioritize. And those are some of the things that we spoke about.

 

00;29;13;12 – 00;29;39;14

Guarav

Right? I’m going to prioritize making sure that I’m connected with my wife. I’m going to prioritize moments with my son when he’s running around the living room, or wants to jump on my back and ride a horse. Like I’m going to cherish those moments because if anything, the pandemic has shown to me more firsthand than anyone else I’ve seen the death and destruction.

 

00;29;39;14 – 00;30;06;22

Guarav

I’ve seen the the 30 year olds die in front of me. The young parents. I’ve seen it all. I’ve seen a lot more tragedy in my lifetime than most people will ever experience in their whole entire life, and I still see it every day. And finally, becoming a father, I think, has allowed me to really take a step back and realize that, wow, there is so much of life that is outside my control.

 

00;30;07;05 – 00;30;29;18

Guarav

But I’m going to not focus on that. I’m going to focus on the things that I can control. And so I’m going to focus in on making sure that you and I are communicating well, that we’re checking in on each other, that we’re there for each other in their moments of need, that we’re picking up the slack when somebody else is having a bad day, or when you’re just not up to it or whatnot.

 

00;30;29;21 – 00;30;52;15

Guarav

And just kind of reminding myself of that has really been something that has been a big evolution for me in the last two years, and it’s something that I’m still growing with and still learning. And it’s still a work in progress, but I will say all of those moments of pain, the birth, trauma, the pandemic, while in the moment were super painful.

 

00;30;52;17 – 00;31;07;04

Guarav

Looking back on all of those things, I’m kind of grateful that they’ve happened because it has allowed me to gain that wisdom. It’s allowed me to grow as a human, grow as a father, grow as a husband. And so I’m really thankful for those experiences.

 

00;31;07;16 – 00;31;28;25

Dr. Mona

And that is why I love you so much, because it’s so hard in the moment to look at these events. And I don’t think anyone, anyone should ever believe that in that moment you should be feeling like the why of that moment. But yes, we have gone through a lot and it can take me and you different amount of times, right, to process the grieving of whatever we’re going through to figure out what can I learn from this?

 

00;31;28;25 – 00;31;46;12

Dr. Mona

Or how have I grown from this? You know, I recorded a whole podcast about when life throws you lemons and you’re just tired of making lemonade because it was like, sometimes it’s just so heavy. And I think sometimes we feel like we’re forced to act a certain way or move through this a certain way, and it’s giving each other grace and giving ourselves grace way more.

 

00;31;46;12 – 00;32;03;10

Dr. Mona

And I just, I’m so glad that you could come and talk about this. Obviously, I want like, everyone had questions about, you know, how do you even cope as a New York doctor, like all of these things? And maybe you’ll come on again, to do another podcast episode, because I’ve seen what you’ve done the last two years, as a father.

 

00;32;03;10 – 00;32;28;13

Dr. Mona

But again, you were also an er, doctor in a pandemic. And that is grief and trauma in itself, because being an ER doctor is already a lot of stuff that you see before a pandemic, right? You see a lot of injuries, you see a lot of death, you see a lot of not so great things. You see humanity suffering on a daily basis, and then you have to come home and play horsey, like you said, with our son, and obviously be present for me and do all of that.

 

00;32;28;20 – 00;32;46;29

Dr. Mona

I know we could talk way more about this, but how do you go to work and see all the things that you see? I mean, obviously you see a lot of difficult things, and I know you see some great things too, but a lot of it is very hard. And how you come home and, you know, be present for me and do horsey rides with Ryan and all of the things that you mentioned.

 

00;32;47;02 – 00;32;56;16

Dr. Mona

What has been some things that have helped you to kind of, again, cope with all of that and be more present and find more peace in marriage. And as a father?

 

00;32;56;18 – 00;33;20;19

Guarav

Oh, well, let’s see a lot of compartmentalizing for sure. Yeah. And that’s something that, you know, you know well too, in medicine in green that in you very early on in training that you compartmentalize and that you don’t show any emotion and that you just go on with your business, which is not a real healthy way of dealing with what I see specifically on a daily basis.

 

00;33;20;19 – 00;33;47;22

Guarav

So I think therapy has been really helpful for me. And I first started therapy during the pandemic, when I was coming off of dealing with Ryan’s birth trauma and then being thrust into this unknown territory with this pandemic. And my anxiety and stress was at an all time high, and I wasn’t coping with it in a very healthy way.

 

00;33;47;24 – 00;34;15;04

Guarav

And so that was the first time I ever saw it. Mental health help. And I’ve continued it since, and it’s been a real game changer in my, my daily life and my daily routine to have these weekly check ins with a professional who can help me process a lot of what I do see, and not only what I see, but what also, you know, process my own childhood and the traumas that I experienced as a child.

 

00;34;15;04 – 00;34;47;16

Guarav

And putting that all together is allowing me to evolve, to be, you know, a better, more present dad for Ryan, a better husband for you, and just more importantly, a better person for myself and doing it more for me. So yes, work is extremely difficult, and some of the things that I see are extremely difficult to process, but I’ve gone away from compartmentalizing them, into actually speaking about them openly with my therapist and talking through what it all means.

 

00;34;48;02 – 00;35;11;01

Guarav

It has helped immensely. And I would implore anyone who has the resources or has the time that, you know, if you are finding yourself struggling or compartmentalizing a lot of life, that it’s important to reach out. And it doesn’t even have to be a therapist. I think just having this one on one talk and communication with another human being is the most important thing, you know?

 

00;35;11;01 – 00;35;28;05

Guarav

Call up a friend, call up a mentor or a family member or somebody and just talk through it. And I guarantee you’ll feel, you know, 50% better than you did before you picked up the phone and call the person and, you know, going back to what we’re seeing, that’s not something that’s always been easy for me. I’ve been compartmentalizing my whole life.

 

00;35;28;08 – 00;35;46;21

Guarav

Yeah. And, you know, compartmentalizing childhood traumas and all those things. And I’ve just been suppressing a lot of it for decades. And it’s not easy to bring all of that to the surface. And it’s been painful at times. It’s been uncomfortable. But I made a commitment to be the best version of myself for you and for Ryan.

 

00;35;46;21 – 00;35;55;22

Guarav

And so I’m going to continue to put that work in and put that effort in so that I could be a better husband and a better father and a better version of myself.

 

00;35;55;25 – 00;36;24;00

Dr. Mona

And I love you so much for that. And we both have gone through, you know, especially in the last two years, on and off therapy. We both saw a therapist together after Ryan’s delivery, and then we individually saw a therapist after Ryan’s delivery. And then throughout the last two years, we both have seen therapists individually. And it really has helped, like you said, like when you start seeing a therapist more regularly in the last few months with everything that was happening with work and whatnot, like that’s when we kind of started doing those check ins more, and I loved it.

 

00;36;24;00 – 00;36;40;03

Dr. Mona

I mean, I actually loved talking with you about, hey, what did you take home from therapy or what have I been trying to be better at? You know, I have been trying to be better at so many different things in terms of stress management and, you know, letting things go and all of these things. And so it’s just so nice to bring all of that together.

 

00;36;40;03 – 00;37;08;03

Dr. Mona

And I love you so much, because I just feel like your desire for self-growth is just so evident. And thank you for like, finding me and and obviously being my husband, but also just thank you for coming on here today and sharing everything that you did. You know, and being vulnerable with me, I know you’re vulnerable with me now more than ever, which I love, but also with everyone, because I think it just helps to, you know, normalize these feelings and normalize the struggles.

 

00;37;08;03 – 00;37;23;10

Dr. Mona

And obviously, I hear the things that you saw as an doctor and I, you know, I’m very different than you. Like, I can’t compartmentalize, even though, you know, in medicine, we are kind of trained to kind of move on and like, you know, you can be empathetic and you can be kind, but you have to move on to the next patient.

 

00;37;23;18 – 00;37;42;05

Dr. Mona

I still get very triggered and very emotional with very sad things, and that is how we’re different. But I’m trying to be better at moving forward in those moments. You’re trying to be better at being more vulnerable, and I just love that balance so much between the both of us, because I think we both learn from each other a lot because of our differences.

 

00;37;42;07 – 00;38;07;07

Guarav

Yeah, I would 100% agree that some people will look at another person and be like over two different and it would never work or say things like that. You know, I think that one of our biggest strengths and you commented on this earlier is that we are so different in so many ways in how we respond to external stimuli and whatnot, that we were each other’s teachers for a good portion of our existence.

 

00;38;07;07 – 00;38;20;12

Guarav

And that teaching in that evolution, you know, helps our marriage grow. And hopefully that will continue as we move on to the next chapters of our lives. And yeah, those are the things that I’m most grateful for.

 

00;38;20;14 – 00;38;42;17

Dr. Mona

I completely agree, and I cannot wait for more of our check ins and for, you know, everyone to kind of tell me how they felt with this episode. Because again, I just love that you could join me. And a lot of my followers had questions for you. Just kind of rapid fire fun questions. You know, I know our whole episode is more of the kind of spiritual level connection level finding joy.

 

00;38;42;20 – 00;38;46;10

Dr. Mona

But this is kind of just five questions for you. Are you ready for them?

 

00;38;46;12 – 00;38;49;03

Guarav

All right. Okay. Lots of pressure but I’m but I’m ready okay.

 

00;38;49;03 – 00;38;54;12

Dr. Mona

So first question is what was your first impression of Doctor Mona?

 

00;38;54;15 – 00;39;06;15

Guarav

My first impression of Doctor Mona was that she was really tall. And that was awesome because I’m also really tall. So that really worked for me.

 

00;39;06;17 – 00;39;26;07

Dr. Mona

And we didn’t tell you. But yes, we we met online on Match.com and we talked for a month before we physically met. And so when you know, you have an idea of what the person will look like, but you don’t because you’ve never physically met. So yeah, same thing. I was like, wow, he’s so tall. And I just obviously we’d FaceTime and video chatted, but it was yeah, people didn’t know the back story.

 

00;39;26;10 – 00;39;30;18

Dr. Mona

Question number two what was our wedding like?

 

00;39;31;28 – 00;39;35;02

Guarav

Our wedding was magical. I.

 

00;39;35;02 – 00;39;36;19

Dr. Mona

Love that word.

 

00;39;37;04 – 00;39;59;07

Guarav

I mean, we put so much work and so much thought into every single detail that I always tell you this, that I wish I could have been a guest at my own wedding to experience what it was like, but it was just a magical day, and everything went off without a hitch. And it was beautiful and without an ounce of stress.

 

00;39;59;07 – 00;40;01;29

Guarav

And I was just it’s it was magical.

 

00;40;02;02 – 00;40;16;11

Dr. Mona

It was magical. That is such a good word. Like, yeah, we got married again six years ago. From the time of this, almost six years ago, from the time of this recording. And it was perfect, I remember and kind of thing we, we put so much effort into that. Obviously most people do with their weddings, but it was perfect.

 

00;40;16;11 – 00;40;29;04

Dr. Mona

Like I look back and there was nothing there that I was like, we should have done this differently. Everything was amazing. And yeah, it was a blast. I miss getting that many people into a room and having a party like it’s been so long.

 

00;40;29;06 – 00;40;37;07

Guarav

Yeah, and to plan that California wedding from New York was, yes, extremely, extremely difficult. But I think we did a great job.

 

00;40;37;09 – 00;40;41;21

Dr. Mona

Yeah. Okay. Next question is what’s your favorite book?

 

00;40;42;02 – 00;41;14;13

Guarav

My favorite book, which is sitting on my nightstand next to my bed, is Victor Frankl’s a man’s search for meaning. And, Viktor Frankl is a psychiatrist who was, sent to, Auschwitz in the Holocaust era. And he just spoke about how the people who ended up surviving the concentration camps were the ones that never lost hope that they would see their families and friends again, and the ones that always believed that they would get out eventually.

 

00;41;14;15 – 00;41;27;29

Guarav

And it’s just such a great reminder that no matter what struggles you may endure in life and what happens that if you always remain hopeful that you know there will always be some brighter days ahead?

 

00;41;28;01 – 00;41;40;26

Dr. Mona

And that is kind of the purpose of the finding Joy series is creating more hope, even in pain, which I know we’ve been through. I love that. Okay, third, fourth question. If you weren’t an E.R. doctor, what would you want to do?

 

00;41;40;29 – 00;41;45;01

Guarav

If I wasn’t an ER doctor, I would be a an interior designer.

 

00;41;45;04 – 00;42;04;27

Dr. Mona

I can attest. Oh, you are, you would be amazing. We don’t obviously show much of our house like all of our house on social or anything for obviously all the people. But he designed everything in our home. Everything was pieced together where you would think that it was all bought in one place. But no, he just has such an eye for this stuff.

 

00;42;04;27 – 00;42;10;08

Dr. Mona

And I just love it. Okay, last question. What is your favorite type of food?

 

00;42;10;10 – 00;42;32;23

Guarav

What is my favorite type of food? I think we both have the same type of favorite food, but I think we both love, like, Southeast Asian, whether it’s like Korean food or, yes, Japanese or sushi or ramen or anything Southeast Asian, anything, I could get super, super spicy, I think is right up our alley.

 

00;42;32;25 – 00;42;55;03

Dr. Mona

Yeah, pretty much it is exactly true. And Gaurav, thank you so much for joining. It’s so weird. Like telling my own husband, like, thank you for joining me on this episode. But of course he is a guest on this podcast and I just love, love, love what you shared with everyone today. Obviously it’s stuff that we talk about all the time, so nothing new for me.

 

00;42;55;17 – 00;43;02;06

Dr. Mona

But any final message for everyone listening today on finding joy in marriage and parenting.

 

00;43;02;18 – 00;43;22;12

Guarav

Well, first I want to say thanks for having me on. It was a bit, intimidating and, nerve wracking to be on this podcast knowing how many people listen to it. But it was fun. But my I guess my last message was, I guess I if I could sum up everything that we talked about, I would sum it up with the word.

 

00;43;22;12 – 00;43;52;06

Guarav

And you mentioned this. The word grace. Have grace for the other person. Have grace for yourself. Be forgiving instead of, reactive. Remain empathetic, remain humble, and just understand that you may not understand the other person completely at all. Ever. And that’s okay. And to just give the other person some grace to work through whatever it is that they’re working through, give them time and give them space, whatever they may need.

 

00;43;52;08 – 00;44;09;29

Guarav

And understand that at the end of the day, you are only responsible for your own way in which you show up in your relationship and that’s the only thing that you can honestly control. And yeah, that’s that’s kind of how it sum it up.

 

00;44;10;02 – 00;44;35;10

Dr. Mona

Love it. And I will see you downstairs. Thanks again for joining me and for everyone listening. If you love the finding Joy series or the podcast in general, please make sure you leave a review or a rating. It’s what helps the podcast grow. And if you love this episode in particular and you want to hear more from my husband, I can’t make any guarantees but leave a review especially for this episode as well, wherever you can.

 

00;44;35;15 – 00;44;52;17

Dr. Mona

And thanks for joining us. Thank you for tuning in for this week’s episode. As always, please leave a review. Share this episode with a friend. Share it on your social media. Make sure to follow me at PedsDocTalk on Instagram and subscribe to my YouTube channel, PedsDocTalk TV. We’ll talk to you soon.