It’s 2024, and this year’s goal for my community and listeners is learning to “let go” of the things that are not serving us or blocking our joy.

I discuss:

• Why controlling tendencies can occur especially in motherhood
• Why motherhood is the ultimate struggle for those of us who grew up loving control
• How control looks like in motherhood
• Ten steps to learn to let go of control

00:00:01:04 – 00:00:28:20
Dr. Mona
Let go. Let go of the unhealthy high expectations you’re putting on yourself. Let go of the feeling like you can’t make mistakes or be vulnerable. Let go and tell yourself you are safe and loved and your family is safe and loved. Let go and tell yourself there is no such thing as perfection in life or in motherhood. Let go of trying to be the best at everything, rather than looking at what you are good at and fostering that.

00:00:28:22 – 00:00:59:06
Dr. Mona
Let go of feeling unworthy. Let go of trying to over protect your child or yourself from mistakes. Let it go. Welcome back to the show and happy New Year. This is our first episode of 2024, which means we are approaching four years of the PedsDocTalk podcast, and each year gets bigger and better. To continue to grow, you need to keep leaving reviews and sharing these episodes with friends and on social media.

00:00:59:08 – 00:01:37:07
Dr. Mona
I see this every episode, but seriously, reviews help the show continue to thrive. So thank you for almost four incredible years here and over 3.5 million downloads to kick off 2024. I want to get into a good vibe with a finding Joy episode about letting go of control. And yes, this is for all of you. Type A mamas or papas like me, recovering perfectionists and maybe high achieving women like myself who have just gotten so used to control that having a kid threw you for a freaking loop.

00:01:37:09 – 00:02:00:17
Dr. Mona
And as a reminder, my finding Joy episodes bridge mindfulness principles, motivation, and mindset tips so that we can show up better for our kids. Because parenting is not just about your child, it’s about us and our mental health and mindset as well. So we’re going to be talking about letting go of control. And you know, I wish I could cue that music like let it go.

00:02:00:23 – 00:02:25:14
Dr. Mona
Let it go from frozen because really we need to just let it go some time. And what do I mean by letting it go? How do you know you are a quality control freak? So things have to be done your way because it’s the best way. So that’s the only way you have a tendency to correct people, grammar, how they parent, everything you have trouble ever really going with the flow like you want to, but you just cannot.

00:02:25:14 – 00:02:47:06
Dr. Mona
It’s just not in your nature. You believe you are 100% responsible for the outcomes in your life. So you work hard, you get results, you work hard, you get results. You over research things in an obsessive way. You cannot delegate tasks because, well, you are a control freak and you want to control most of your life. You try a lot to prevent bad things from happening.

00:02:47:06 – 00:03:17:12
Dr. Mona
So meaning you are commonly thinking of problems in the moment versus living in the moment. And you feel this control in your body. You just can’t relax. You must be moving or doing or controlling something. And this control is like a drug control gives you your fix. You feel calmer, you feel like you have power when you are in control, and your desire for control is tied to anxiety.

00:03:17:17 – 00:03:45:16
Dr. Mona
Control makes you feel safe. Control makes you feel secure. And to some degree, having control over our lives is important. But when it means you’re not delegating, forcing your child one way or another, not breathing a little bit, or not being able to let go, it becomes a problem. Same thing like anxiety. Anxiety protects us, right? Some degree of anxiety is healthy for us to protect us from the unsafe things in life.

00:03:45:16 – 00:04:04:04
Dr. Mona
But when it starts to consume us and we look at everything as a threat, we are looking at a threat to our safety and control can be a way to cope with this anxiety, to make you feel safe and secure. And many people can be addicted to control, not just women and not just, you know, high achieving women.

00:04:04:06 – 00:04:26:11
Dr. Mona
But I do know that many of my peers doctor friends, lawyer friends, CEOs, business people, people who are, you know, owning their own business, all these things, these high achieving professional women in school and careers, they greatly suffer in motherhood due to control, addiction and what motherhood can bring. I read a post by Kate Kripke. She’s on Instagram at Kate Kripke’s.

00:04:26:11 – 00:04:46:06
Dr. Mona
She’s a maternal and child mental health specialist. I hope she can come on my show one day. And she talks about four reasons why high achieving women tend to struggle with postpartum anxiety and motherhood. And let’s talk about relatable. So if you haven’t seen this post, here are the four reasons we thrive when we are in control. Yes, I like control.

00:04:46:06 – 00:05:11:04
Dr. Mona
And the reality is there’s so much in motherhood we can’t control. We feel comfortable when things are organized. And yes, motherhood is chaotic and messy and not organized. Let’s talk about our houses. Let’s talk about schedules. Let’s talk about routine. Let’s talk about meal time. None of it is organized as much as we want to organize things, because that gives us control, motherhood and children.

00:05:11:07 – 00:05:26:07
Dr. Mona
It’s chaotic and it’s messy, and this can make us feel uncomfortable. We like to do things when we want to do them because we like control. I want to do this when I want to do it. I have this on my mind to get this done in this evening, after the kids go to bed, the kid wakes up.

00:05:26:07 – 00:05:59:21
Dr. Mona
It messes up your plan, it throws you for a loop, and motherhood is unpredictable. And the fourth thing is we tend to live in certainty and all or nothing thinking. And so much of motherhood is gray area, and this is really important. This is actually what I like to teach about in my platform with anything related to children, health and sleep and feeding, we got to get out of that all or nothing mentality with our children, and especially that all or nothing mentality with ourselves that I’m good, I’m bad, I do this, that I get this result, I do this and I’m good, I do this and I’m bad because that is when we start

00:05:59:21 – 00:06:23:17
Dr. Mona
to feel that self-loathing and that self shame, which has no place in feeling joy. And for many of you listening, I imagine prior to motherhood you were praised for your work ethic. You relished in being in control, orderly, organized. You could organize a party or excel spreadsheet like it was your day job, even though it was not. Everything you did was perfect.

00:06:23:19 – 00:06:50:07
Dr. Mona
You were perfect. Control made you feel in the driver’s seat. And you maybe, like me, like to do things when you wanted. You liked order. Your expectations usually met your reality, and you worked hard to get where you were, whether it’s in your career or just life. And you saw that. Work hard, succeed, work hard, succeed. You grew up with this mentality.

00:06:50:09 – 00:07:16:01
Dr. Mona
Hard work pays off. Hard work means appreciation. Control equals security. Order in the home or in life equals predictability. Being busy helps us escape from the restlessness and inability to settle that exists by having anxiety. Being busy on your own terms was a badge of honor for you, and all of this meant something to you. Safety, safety and expectations.

00:07:16:02 – 00:07:42:23
Dr. Mona
Safety and control over your life and safety and control can keep your anxiety at bay until motherhood rolled around. Safety and control and praise for all the things you accomplished. I can do it right. I can do it when I want to do it. The obsessive desire for control can stem from many things unresolved childhood wounds, or some may call it trauma, where you turn to control to feel safe and secure.

00:07:43:01 – 00:08:06:16
Dr. Mona
Growing up in a perfectionism household where metrics, grades, outcomes, how you were looked were praise. You know, the fixed mindset versus growth mindset at home. Or maybe you had a traumatic event later in life, and that event has led you down a path of control to protect you or a loved one from having that happen again. And the reasons could be all of these, or just one.

00:08:06:18 – 00:08:29:20
Dr. Mona
But this is going to become important when we want to work on this control and letting go of it. Many of you listening have felt this need for control, and then you became a mother or a parent. And control in motherhood especially, is tied to a few things. Our desire to be perfectionists, our desire to people please, our desire to know everything when we just can’t know everything.

00:08:29:22 – 00:09:00:19
Dr. Mona
Our desire to be the best at everything, when of course, this is unsustainable. Our pride in being able to do it all and hold it together, our pride in being able to do things the best when others can do it as well, just not as good as us. Does this sound like you? Because I know you probably are relating to this, but along the way this desire to people please, this perfectionism, this thriving in control, this desire for organization and order was really masking anxiety.

00:09:00:21 – 00:09:21:00
Dr. Mona
Our obsession over the unknown or control over the unknown or things that may be a potential threat. And now all of a sudden, you’re realizing hard work doesn’t equate to perfection because there is no standard of perfection in motherhood. You can’t just work hard as a mom to get the praise or the outcomes you did as a career, because parenting is not agreed with the final exam.

00:09:21:04 – 00:09:49:00
Dr. Mona
It’s a journey and it’s a process. You can’t control every aspect of your household or life. Order in the home or cleanliness just may not be a reality all the time with children and you can’t avoid everything illness, accidents, etc. you can only do your best and you have to learn to accept that your best is enough. And when you have grown up or have become control obsessed, this can be really hard.

00:09:49:02 – 00:10:11:19
Dr. Mona
All the things that calm your anxious, controlling mind order, quiet to do list and staying busy were checkboxes that you can check off. You know, like you’ll just add more hello control and cleanliness. These things are not happening or they’re coming at you so fast with the Never Ending To-Do list of being a mom and you feel like you’re drowning huge spirals.

00:10:11:21 – 00:10:35:23
Dr. Mona
Cue anxiety that bubbles up after becoming a mom. Friction between your expectations are not matching reality all the time. Friction because you can’t just study your way or perform your way, or talk your way out of real life issues. Raising a child and control in motherhood can look like the following. Obsessing over routines, being overwhelmed by mess or disorder because it’s lack of control.

00:10:36:01 – 00:10:55:23
Dr. Mona
Being scared or obsessive about germs and illness to the point that you do not leave your home or avoid social contact because you are so scared of germs. Fixating on grades, behavior looks how your child eats, sleeps, develops over researching and information overload about parenting kids to make sure you’re always doing it, quote unquote, right. Because you want control.

00:10:55:23 – 00:11:16:06
Dr. Mona
You want to know all of the information, trying to direct your child in every which direction. And this isn’t your typical boundary setting. This is obsession to be the best and to be perfect what you were raised in. You also, you know, want your child to be good at everything. You know your child isn’t good at coloring, but is good at soccer, and you fixate on why are they not good at coloring?

00:11:16:10 – 00:11:38:18
Dr. Mona
Why are they not good at this without focusing on what they are good at? It’s about control. And lastly, this is a physical manifestation. You just feel tense. More days and not as a mom. Due to this overwhelming need for control and inability to delegate or let go of that control. And yes, I do believe that there is absolutely developmental benefits for sleep and routines.

00:11:38:18 – 00:11:58:14
Dr. Mona
But what we have to tell ourselves is I can guide my child, but at the same time, I understand that I am a guide and not a programmer. They are not robots that work with a switch or remote control. They are unique. They have their own feelings, they have their own wants, their human beings, and they’re different than us.

00:11:58:14 – 00:12:21:22
Dr. Mona
And they have special needs that may not always match our expectations. It’s important to know how you got here so you can know how to learn to let go. And it’s important we let go because one, our children will feel our stress. And I know if you like to control things, you know that when you’re in a home trying to control it, all, the energy that you’re bringing into the home, I’m sure, is not light.

00:12:22:00 – 00:12:48:09
Dr. Mona
Number two, we will burn out because we do not ask for help, because we feel that we are the only one that knows how to do it best. Number three, we can become irritable and lose our joy, which is what these finding Joy episodes are all about. And number four, we go through the journey surviving and never really thriving and enjoying this experience, even through the ups and downs and learning to let go means learning to let go of control over aspects of your life.

00:12:48:09 – 00:13:20:00
Dr. Mona
That up until now, up until listening to this episode you have been doing that have been robbing you of your joy. There is some good in control, just like we know that there is some good in anxiety. Not all control is bad, not all anxiety is bad. But when you are finding yourself in these situations that you feel you are tensing up and it’s a continued cycle or your partner or loved one is saying, hey, I really need you to take a step back or it’s affecting your joy and happiness in your parenting journey or in your personal journey.

00:13:20:01 – 00:13:39:02
Dr. Mona
Those are the things you need to learn to let go and figure out where can I take some steps to let go and bring back the peace in my life? And I’m sharing this because I myself am on a road to learning to let go. And I have made big strides, and these strides have been a work in progress.

00:13:39:06 – 00:14:01:15
Dr. Mona
And I know what you can get there. Let go. Let go of the unhealthy high expectations you’re putting on yourself. Let go of the feeling like you can’t make mistakes or be vulnerable. Let go and tell yourself you are safe and loved and your family is safe and loved. Let go and tell yourself there is no such thing as perfection in life or in motherhood.

00:14:01:17 – 00:14:27:12
Dr. Mona
Let go of trying to be the best at everything, rather than looking at what you are good at and fostering that. Let go of feeling unworthy, let go of trying to over protect your child or yourself from mistakes. Let it go. Tell yourself, I need to do this for myself and for my family, that this desire for extreme control is not serving anybody.

00:14:27:12 – 00:14:51:05
Dr. Mona
And it really, truly is not bringing me peace into my life that I cannot control. Every aspect of how my child sleeps, eats, behaves, develops, looks, does in school, performs, etc. that I can only foster a nurturing environment filled with love and a resemblance of a routine. Because yes, routines are great, but learning that flexibility is learned as well and modeled by how we can be flexible too.

00:14:51:07 – 00:15:12:08
Dr. Mona
But if you’re like me and control has provided you safety and security your entire life, how do we even do this? How do we even learn to let go? And how do we begin to remember that we are safe and loved when we are not always in control? And remember, this is a process. This isn’t going to be overnight change.

00:15:12:12 – 00:15:30:08
Dr. Mona
Like all of the finding Joy episodes that I talk about, this is self work that is so important. The first thing it starts with acknowledging that you need to let go of control. You know you need to let go if when things don’t go according to your plan, this is more times than not, you’re being sent into a tailspin or irritability or overwhelm.

00:15:30:10 – 00:15:48:15
Dr. Mona
I use children getting sick as an example, as a working mother, my kids getting sick, or my husband being sick would make me irritable and upset. That was the first feeling I was having irritability because of the inconvenience this was going to cause. Everyone my job, child care, my own rest. Who is going to take care of this?

00:15:48:15 – 00:16:08:09
Dr. Mona
Who’s going to do this? We got to wipe our whole schedule. And to be honest, it was a little selfish, to be quite frank, you know, but it was also rooted in the desire for control. So when things weren’t going according to my plan, it felt unsteady and I felt irritable. And the reality is we cannot control when and if illness may happen 100%.

00:16:08:11 – 00:16:32:17
Dr. Mona
Of course, we can reduce risk, but are invisible germs. We can’t always control this. But it was when irritability was creeping in more and more in my life, when things weren’t going according to plan and it was just a snowball effect that I realized that I need to let go of control. And when you desire control, so deeply unpredictable situations like, frankly, all of motherhood, to be quite honest, is going to lead to friction.

00:16:32:23 – 00:16:56:01
Dr. Mona
It’s going to lead to worry or anxiety because your expectations are not matching reality. The next thing is, you have to decide if you need help from a professional. All my finding Joy episodes dive into mindfulness principles and psychology and mindset, and I know I have helped so many of you. But if you feel you can’t do this alone, it’s time to speak to a mental health professional for help.

00:16:56:03 – 00:17:20:15
Dr. Mona
Many times it may be finding the root cause of why you’re controlling so you can unpack that unhealed trauma or those reasons with a licensed professional. The next thing is, when you’re feeling the control bubble up, be mindful of your physical and mental state. Are you feeling nervous? Are you feeling truly unsafe? Is this an actual threat or perceived threat to you or your child or your family?

00:17:20:17 – 00:17:42:11
Dr. Mona
Well, this thing that you want to control make a huge difference five years from now know than it likely can be flexible. You have to have this insight and do this self-discovery so that you can work on how to let go of the control. Next, utilize your support system. As someone who is primed for control, your narrative probably goes like this.

00:17:42:13 – 00:18:07:18
Dr. Mona
Well, I can do it better, or I can do it faster. But remember this that done is better than perfect. It starts with baby steps, and it starts with letting go of micromanaging others in your life and the I have to do it all narrative. Because when you tell yourself that you have to do it all, that’s your desire for control and not letting that go and utilizing any resources you do have to help.

00:18:07:20 – 00:18:30:16
Dr. Mona
Now, I know we don’t always have these resources. We know that the burden of childcare tends to be put a lot on mothers. Not always. But if you have the help you need to start asking, delegating, and having conversations to unload things off your plate and not telling yourself that I have to do it all and I have to micromanage you because I’m the one who knows how to do it best.

00:18:30:17 – 00:18:48:14
Dr. Mona
Where can you start to let go of control using an example? I am a micromanager for my husband and nanny. What time did the kids eat? It’s bedtime. They need to go upstairs, come back from the park. It’s time for X, Y and Z. This obsession with getting back and routine. I was so focused on this with my first child.

00:18:48:16 – 00:19:06:02
Dr. Mona
Take a step back. Flexes and routine will not harm your child. Letting go and saying it’s okay that they go to sleep a little later today, or eat a little bit later today. Obviously, you know your child best. I’m not saying to let them go 2 or 3 hours, but it starts with saying I don’t need to micromanage.

00:19:06:04 – 00:19:33:12
Dr. Mona
Micromanaging is the ultimate desire for control because we have delegated our control to someone else. Yet we’re still controlling the situation because we are just addicted to the safety of control. So focus on easing off the micromanage in baby steps and communicate this with other caretakers. You know, I’m I’m trying to learn to let go. And I have been micromanaging you, I trust you, I won’t say anything or I know I get on you about X, Y, and Z.

00:19:33:12 – 00:19:51:04
Dr. Mona
Can we find a middle ground? If it’s something that is important to you, just say you do feel like it’s important your child goes to bed a certain time and not four hours later, find a middle ground, maybe an hour or half an hour. Look at sleep cues. Come up with an agreement that makes sense for both parties, and ask your partner if you are a recovering control freak.

00:19:51:10 – 00:20:15:22
Dr. Mona
Ask your partner or any loved one who helps you. How can you help me and how can I help you? So there’s communication here. My husband is way more lax with schedules than I am, and I do believe in a balance because I know my kids will get over tired. So it’s finding a happy medium with our children in mind and learning to bend the rules a little bit because, hey, these are more like guides, not fixed rules when it comes to parenting.

00:20:16:00 – 00:20:48:03
Dr. Mona
And start with your partner or whoever you trust the most and let it go by stopping the micromanaging the next thing is shake it out and be silly again. And if you’re controlling, your body is likely tense. Maybe you forgot how to laugh or crack a joke. Maybe you have felt really uptight and tense in your body. I still remember as a high functioning, anxious, controlling teenager and young adult, I’m going to get my blood work done for random things for medical school, whatever, and being so stiff I wouldn’t be able to relax my arm.

00:20:48:03 – 00:21:12:10
Dr. Mona
And I was trying to control my arm to the point the phlebotomist couldn’t do their job. Like they were telling me, I need you to relax your arm. And I couldn’t even relax my arm for a blood draw because I was trying to control how they went in and whatnot. I mean, talk about control vibes. I just couldn’t relax and tension and control live in many places in our body, our jaw, our shoulders and our hips.

00:21:12:12 – 00:21:39:04
Dr. Mona
So as you’re listening to this, I want you to loosen up your jaw, bring the shoulders down from your ears, and don’t do anything with your hips, but maybe move your hips in circles and get those hips. To be flexible. You have to shake it out and bring those sillies back. Dance it out, play music, do something unexpected that even you, the control lover, will surprise yourself during dinner time and surprise the kids and your partner with a dance party or new music.

00:21:39:10 – 00:22:06:07
Dr. Mona
Do dinner outside in the park instead of inside. Add something in your routine that surprises you and bring back the silliness and loosen that physical body up by bringing something into your routine that surprises you or surprises other people, or saying yes more to something that may be something out of your control. Or you’re going to realize the more you do this, that everything is okay, that you’re not controlling every aspect, you’re still safe.

00:22:06:07 – 00:22:27:07
Dr. Mona
Things will still get done. Maybe not on your timeline, but they will get done. The next thing is you have to have self-compassion and learn to laugh at yourself. You do not have to be perfect. Perfection is in the eye of social expectations or expectations that were put on by parents, or whoever was your authority figure, or someone you looked up to.

00:22:27:09 – 00:22:52:17
Dr. Mona
You are everything you need to be. Let it go by having more compassion for yourself. Do not play the blame and shame game you may have grown up with and embrace your mistakes. Embrace being silly and imperfect and make sure to laugh at yourself. Life is so short and when you’re controlling, we can take life too seriously or take ourselves too seriously.

00:22:52:19 – 00:23:17:03
Dr. Mona
And as a peace mama, if you’re having trouble getting silly or laughing at yourself, surround yourself with your kids or more kids. They’re really good at this, at laughing at themselves and being silly. And it’s something that I really love about being a pediatrician and a mother. The next thing is you have to schedule yourself. Control freaks tend to love staying busy, and we end up saying yes and packing on everything into our schedule.

00:23:17:03 – 00:23:36:22
Dr. Mona
And this has a lot to do with perfectionism, people pleasing. But it’s also how we cope with suppressed feelings of feeling unworthy, feeling unsafe, insecure. It’s how we may feel worthy or included. But you need to under schedule yourself where you are able to. If you can do it at work. Amazing. Set boundaries. Ask for extension on deadlines.

00:23:36:22 – 00:24:03:12
Dr. Mona
Make sure that you are communicating so that you can schedule things. Social activities. It’s about creating a balance where you have flex days and time to truly care for yourself emotionally, physically and socially and truly connect back with yourself. And this can be hard to do with kids, which is why it goes back to utilizing a support system and prioritizing yourself when you do have that support system.

00:24:03:14 – 00:24:27:01
Dr. Mona
So when you have that support system, you don’t use a support system to do something for the family or the kids, something that you know doesn’t think about yourself. I want you to at least do something for you first. Whether it’s five minutes, ten minutes, whether it’s working out, whether it’s laying in a bed and closing your eyes, whatever it may be, take that moment when you do have the help, because we know that it’s not always possible to have help, but take care of yourself.

00:24:27:03 – 00:24:49:00
Dr. Mona
And by under scheduling yourself, you’re going to find that you will find more time for you. With Pete’s Dog Talk. I have made a problem out of it that I have overshare fueled myself and for meetings or whatever. And next year, you know, this entire year of 2024 and beyond, I’m creating a flex day. And because I am a small business owner, this flex day is a day that I am doing self-care.

00:24:49:00 – 00:25:07:23
Dr. Mona
I’m going to work out for sure. I’m going to have my therapy appointment and the rest of the day is unscheduled, which means if there’s an emergency meeting, whatever it is, I’m going to schedule, but I’m not planning anything else. Why this is so helpful for me, and I want to share this, is that I am fortunate to have the privilege of having this flexibility at.

00:25:07:23 – 00:25:28:17
Dr. Mona
I was creating this overscheduled life for myself and it wasn’t sustainable. And so when the children would get sick or something emergency would happen, I would feel irritable because I’m like, well, I don’t have anywhere to move all of these things because I overscheduled myself. So now you’re trying to move your overscheduled life into other aspects. So I said, I need to create a flex day.

00:25:28:17 – 00:25:47:02
Dr. Mona
So if emergencies happen, I’m not over scheduling my week. And I also need to create boundaries with whatever projects that I’m doing or deadlines that I have, and either ask for extensions or learn to say no more. But this under scheduling is going to surprise you, and it’s going to make you feel like you actually have good control in a positive way.

00:25:47:04 – 00:26:09:14
Dr. Mona
Next, be more mindful. That lovely word mindful. This means letting go of speed or perfection. Nobody cares that you checked 14 things off a to do list when, let’s be real, you added five on there that were small tasks or already done, so you can feel better about checking it off. I know you’ve all been there. Be more intentional and focused when you’re playing with your kids.

00:26:09:16 – 00:26:30:16
Dr. Mona
Put away your phone. When you’re going to walk the dog, just go walk the dog and appreciate nature. When you’re talking with your partner, talk to your partner or just sit with them and connect with them. Body to body. Do your own thing, but just have that physical connection and be more mindful. After the kids are asleep, relax and take a moment for you.

00:26:30:18 – 00:26:53:18
Dr. Mona
Try not to do this on your cell phone, but connect maybe with a friend. Connect with something that brings you joy. Whether that’s a book and yes, maybe, maybe scrolling social. But I don’t want you to get into a comparison game which can attack your mindfulness. So make sure you’re following the right fun accounts. If you’re going to be scrolling social, the next thing is respect that some control is needed and celebrate when you learn to let go.

00:26:53:20 – 00:27:14:18
Dr. Mona
Let’s be honest, anxiety is healthy until it becomes overwhelming and so is control. Control can get, you know, stuff done and you are likely where you are in life because of your hard work ethic. But we can have a good work ethic without sacrificing our mental health. When you find yourself in a situation you usually wanted to control and didn’t give yourself that pat on the back.

00:27:14:20 – 00:27:33:00
Dr. Mona
My husband does bedtime routine with Ryan and it takes forever, and I wind up hounding him to speed it up so that they can get to bed by 730. And now two nights a week when my husband does that time, I let it go and I feel good about it. And when I am in control and doing something, I’m good at that.

00:27:33:00 – 00:27:54:11
Dr. Mona
Truly, nobody else can. For example, planning a work meeting for my business. I celebrate this so understand that you’re controlling energy can be used in positive ways. Helping others be empowered, supporting others, advocating for others or for yourself, but also learn where and when you can learn to let go. The next thing is celebrate messing up and your child messing up.

00:27:54:13 – 00:28:14:07
Dr. Mona
The art of letting go is to be okay with things not being perfect. It comes down to undoing those perfectionism tendencies, and you will realize that your life is actually more enjoyable when you learn to let go. Part of this is remembering that we don’t belong in check boxes. We don’t succeed by metrics like many of us were raised.

00:28:14:09 – 00:28:35:06
Dr. Mona
Your child does not belong in a checkbox. Your child doesn’t need to be amazing at everything. Celebrate them messing up and picking themselves up and trying again and you doing the same. Stop berating them over messes. And I say this because many of us who are control freaks and perfectionists may have grown up in homes or messes, were a nuisance.

00:28:35:10 – 00:28:56:21
Dr. Mona
Injuries were our fault or not being the best at everything meant failure. And so we turned to control as a way to feel safe and as a way to feel loved. Our instincts, as control freaks, is to stop the spill. Sleep train. The earliest potty train the fastest. Get them eating everything by one year. Meet milestones faster, get the best grades, not let them be upset, yada yada yada.

00:28:56:23 – 00:29:17:08
Dr. Mona
But we have to take the step back. This isn’t sustainable and from a child development lens, it isn’t possible to always force our children. We can only guide them. Joy in life isn’t to be the best at everything, it’s to find strengths and weaknesses. Joy in life isn’t to control everything, to feel safe. It’s to find safety in yourself and your loved ones.

00:29:17:08 – 00:29:43:01
Dr. Mona
As an adult, joy in life isn’t in control, but being in control of our own emotions and practicing more self-love and less self shaming. And you are safe. You are so loved. Your control has told you otherwise, that your worth as a mom and woman is tied to outcomes and checkboxes. But remember, you are worthy. Regardless of these things, you are always loved.

00:29:43:03 – 00:30:08:21
Dr. Mona
You don’t need to strive to this unattainable perfection that just doesn’t exist, because everyone’s definition of perfection is skewed and different. And from personal experience, when you begin to let go of control, a beautiful thing will happen. You will feel more connection with yourself and your needs, and more connection with your child and your partner and your loved ones.

00:30:08:23 – 00:30:31:23
Dr. Mona
You will begin to feel lighter. Your body will feel less tense, you will sleep better, you will laugh more, and you will find joy when you let go of the connection. That control means safety. You’ll release that negative association with control. You will learn to control your desire for control rather than let your desire for control control you.

00:30:32:01 – 00:30:54:04
Dr. Mona
You will realize you have always had power, you have always had safety, and you will find joy in motherhood and balance in your life. Once again, thank you so much for joining me on this episode. I am so excited for 2024. We have amazing guests. We are going to be video recording all of our episodes now, maybe putting them on YouTube.

00:30:54:05 – 00:31:28:07
Dr. Mona
Definitely on social. I want this podcast to continue to grow and I know it will. Just when I think there aren’t more conversations to have, I discover more you all need and also amazing guests. So keep engaging on social media so I know what you’re looking for. Join my newsletter so that you can ask questions and stay up to date on all the amazing things happening at PedsDocTalk, and leave those reviews so the podcast can be a top 30, not just top 50 parenting podcast in the United States in 2024.

00:31:28:09 – 00:31:47:05
Dr. Mona
I cannot wait to chat with more amazing guests this year and bring you more finding joy episodes to come. Thank you for tuning in for this week’s episode. As always, please leave a review. Share this episode with a friend. Share it on your social media. Make sure to follow me at PedsDocTalk on Instagram and subscribe to my YouTube channel.

00:31:47:08 – 00:31:49:20
Dr. Mona
PedsDocTalk TV. We’ll talk to you soon.