Parenting changes everything, including your relationship. In this episode, I sit down with therapist and author Eli Weinstein to talk honestly about why couples feel so disconnected after kids, what actually fuels resentment, and the small shifts that bring you back to each other. We cover expectations, invisible labor, communication traps, and why the first year with a new baby can shake even the strongest partnership. Eli also walks through practical tools like the five-minute check in, full communication, and his favorite phrase for opening up hard conversations without them turning into fights.

This episode is real, relatable, and grounding. If you’ve ever thought, “We love each other, so why does this feel so heavy?”, you’re not alone. Eli shares stories from his own marriage, the couples he supports, and the tiny moments that rebuild connection when life feels chaotic. Whether you’re new parents, in the thick of it, or years past the baby stage, this is a conversation that brings clarity and hope.

What we talk about:

• Why the first year after a baby strains even healthy relationships

• Expectations vs perception vs reality

• The invisible load and why it feels so uneven

• How resentment quietly builds

• The five-minute daily check in

• Full communication (and why hints don’t work)

• Rhombus moments for airing feelings safely

• Fighting fair and repairing in front of kids

• Why couples don’t need perfection, just honesty

• Small gestures that matter more than grand romantic moments

To connect with Eli Weinstein follow him on Instagram @thedudetherapist, ⁠check out all his resources at ⁠⁠linktr.ee/dudetherapist⁠⁠ and buy his book “From I Do To We Do”: ⁠⁠https://www.eliweinsteinlcsw.com/book⁠⁠ ⁠

Our podcasts are also now on YouTube. If you prefer a video podcast with closed captioning, check us out there and⁠ ⁠subscribe to PedsDocTalk⁠⁠.

Get trusted pediatric advice, relatable parenting insights, and evidence-based tips delivered straight to your inbox—join thousands of parents who rely on the PDT newsletter to stay informed, supported, and confident.⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠Join the newsletter⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠!

And don’t forget to follow⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠@pedsdoctalkpodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ on Instagram—our new space just for parents looking for real talk and real support.

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on the⁠ ⁠PedsDocTalk Podcast Sponsorships⁠⁠ page of the website. 

00;00;00;06 – 00;00;21;22

Eli Weinstein

I love, love and I want to help people figure that out and what that means to them in their couples. After my daughter was born that first year, my wife and I went through the hardest year of our marriage and had a massive breaking point in that anniversary. It really taught us a very powerful thing that we really need to focus on what truly matters.

 

00;00;21;22 – 00;00;32;12

Eli Weinstein

And it just something that really opened my eyes to the reality that this needs to be paid attention to.

 

00;00;32;14 – 00;00;52;27

Dr. Mona

Hey everyone, doctor Mona here and welcome back to the show. I want to ask you something off the bat. Have you ever looked at your partner and thought, when did we become roommates instead of partners? I’ve been there. Did you struggle with your relationship after having kids? Been there? Have you ever felt like you’re talking more about logistics than about each other and with each other?

 

00;00;53;04 – 00;01;13;26

Dr. Mona

Been there. Have you ever gotten frustrated? Not because of the dishes, but because you feel like you’re the only one noticing them? Been there too. If that sounds familiar, you are not alone. My husband and I have absolutely been there. After kids relationships shift. The exhaustion that invisible mental low, the constant coordination and the lack of time together can slowly chip away a connection.

 

00;01;14;01 – 00;01;39;11

Dr. Mona

If we’re not intentional about it, today I’m joined by Eli Weinstein, therapist, international speaker, and host of the Dude Therapist podcast. You may have seen him on the Kelly Clarkson Show or online, where he brings humor and honesty to conversations about relationships, parenting, and mental health. Eli’s new book, from I Do to We Do Navigating Relationships Through Parenting Years, explores what really happens to relationships after children enter the picture.

 

00;01;39;13 – 00;02;01;17

Dr. Mona

He talks about invisible labor, shifting identities, intimacy challenges, communication breakdowns, and how couples can reconnect in realistic and practical ways. His goal is to make these conversations accessible and stigma free, and to give couples tools they can actually use in daily life. In this episode, we talk about expectations versus reality and parenting partnerships. Sharing the emotional and logistical load.

 

00;02;01;19 – 00;02;27;22

Dr. Mona

Communication resets or rumbles after kids, and how small moments of connection can matter more than grand gestures. And before we jump in, make sure you subscribe to the show. Download your favorite episodes, please. It really helps me. Yes I’m begging. And share this episode on social media. Tagging at PedsDocTalk, PedsDocTalkpodcast, and at Eli Weinstein underscore therapy so we can keep supporting families together.

 

00;02;27;25 – 00;02;34;26

Dr. Mona

Let’s get into today’s conversation.

 

00;02;34;28 – 00;02;42;15

Dr. Mona

Welcome back or welcome to the show, Ellie. It’s so nice to have you on. I feel like you’re back on even though I was on your show, but it’s just that relationship we’ve created now.

 

00;02;42;18 – 00;03;02;14

Eli Weinstein

You know, we have a good back and forth. You know, this is my first time being introduced with that. The title of the book and being a mom, it’s such an honor to do it with you. And, the audience. I cannot wait to speak to your audience. It is such fans. Well, I do, and I’m excited.

 

00;03;02;17 – 00;03;23;08

Dr. Mona

The feeling is mutual. I loved going on your show. I love being able to go on many people’s podcast, but, you know, I love the work that you’re doing. I’ve said this before. You know, sometimes the the space that we’re in when we think about parenting therapy can be very female saturated. So it’s really important to me like going on the Do therapist podcast, like having voices that are diverse.

 

00;03;23;08 – 00;03;42;05

Dr. Mona

Right. And that includes ethnic diversity, but also males because dads are involved in the picture. Dads are part of relationships too. And we really need to have that voice. So I’m really excited to talk about your book. I’m proud of you. Even though I don’t need to be proud of you because I’m not your mom or anything, but like, I just am proud because I know you.

 

00;03;42;05 – 00;03;53;16

Dr. Mona

I know the work that goes into writing a book, even though I haven’t been there yet. I see it. And so first off, congratulations. And what inspired you to write this book?

 

00;03;53;19 – 00;04;12;24

Eli Weinstein

I honestly have been afraid to write my entire life and actually talk about that in the conclusion. The conclusion of the book is the title is I can, because of a third grade teacher of mine, Mrs. Scarlett’s, who basically told us to throw away all the I can’t eat all the I won’t eat all the I don’t.

 

00;04;12;26 – 00;04;31;18

Eli Weinstein

And we took them and put them in a box, and we buried them in the back yard of the school actually. And she looked at us very like she’s a very, very tidy woman. She’s actually my back yard neighbor growing up. And she said, everyone today, all those I can’t stay right here is where you think of a way to figure it out.

 

00;04;31;24 – 00;04;39;14

Eli Weinstein

You ask for help. You try, I can. And so like to be able to write a book was never my plan. Ever. Because, you.

 

00;04;39;14 – 00;04;45;04

Dr. Mona

Know. Do you know she still do you know if she’s still alive but she’s still alive. How do you send her this and like that is so sweet.

 

00;04;45;04 – 00;05;09;07

Eli Weinstein

I told her already. She knows. She cried. She called me. We cried together by phone. And it was like this moment of I got given the opportunity to say I can to myself. Yeah. Which is something that I’ve avoided. Newsletters, blog posts. I don’t do that stuff because I can’t write, but I can clearly, hopefully it was done.

 

00;05;09;07 – 00;05;11;27

Eli Weinstein

Well, thank God for editing.

 

00;05;11;29 – 00;05;13;09

Dr. Mona

Yeah.

 

00;05;13;12 – 00;05;40;29

Eli Weinstein

But the inspiration came when it really started this whole idea of being a relationship therapist and really diving into the idea of, I love, love, and I want to help people figure that out. And what that means to them. And they’re a couple. After my daughter was born that first year. Yeah, my wife and I went through the hardest year of our marriage and had a massive breaking point in that anniversary, of that year.

 

00;05;41;01 – 00;06;08;26

Eli Weinstein

And so for us, it was a huge tell for like something needed to change because we were just not on the same page, not out of love, just not knowing what the hell was going on because of a little tiny, beautiful miracle we had to go through IVF. It was a lot of pressure. Yeah, same. But it really taught us a very powerful thing that we really need to focus on what truly matters.

 

00;06;08;26 – 00;06;14;15

Eli Weinstein

And it just something that really, like opened my eyes to the reality that this needs to be paid attention to.

 

00;06;14;19 – 00;06;34;17

Dr. Mona

Absolutely. I mean, you talk about that first year. We felt that both times, you know, we have our son and then our daughter also. But our son was a product of birth trauma, meaning very traumatic experience. Where I was in ICU, my son was in the ICU. Most of my listeners know that. And even though even without that.

 

00;06;34;17 – 00;06;54;20

Dr. Mona

Right, you just think about the the new role of being a parent, figuring out another human, trying to figure out the roles, the identity shift, whether you have a job outside the home, like the the separation of load and responsibilities, resentment, anything that like was in that relationship before, having a child is now going to come to a head.

 

00;06;54;23 – 00;07;12;14

Dr. Mona

And I saw that with my husband. Right. Like I had some resentment with him on things that I never really got to process before having a kid. And then when I had the kid, I noticed those things coming out and I was like, oh, interesting. Same thing with him. And so these conversations to me are really important. And I’ve been very vocal about this on my show.

 

00;07;12;14 – 00;07;29;17

Dr. Mona

You know, my show is a parenting podcast, but having these conversations with you, for example, and this book and sharing this book with the world is really important to me, because we can’t show up for our children authentically and how they deserve. If we don’t think about all the things that come into our life and come into their life, right?

 

00;07;29;17 – 00;07;51;05

Dr. Mona

Our own relationship with self and in this conversation, relationship with our partner, if we have one, and how important that is to nurture that. And remember that as we’re parenting our kids. And it’s to me the most important relationship is the relationship with myself followed with the relationship with my partner, my husband, and then the relationship with my kid.

 

00;07;51;08 – 00;08;06;17

Dr. Mona

Because my kid is not going to have my kids are not going to have a healthy life. If me and my husband are resentful, yelling, holding our insecurities against each other. And that is, I think, what many people forget about parenting and about being in a relationship when you’re parenting a kid.

 

00;08;06;19 – 00;08;13;17

Eli Weinstein

Yeah, and I love that. And the book is really like 70 or 80% relationship and like 30, 20 parenting.

 

00;08;13;17 – 00;08;14;22

Dr. Mona

I love that, and that’s what should be.

 

00;08;14;22 – 00;08;38;07

Eli Weinstein

Yeah, that’s the foundation. And it doesn’t mean that we are saying in the book or even what you’re saying is, hey, screw the kids. They’re not important. No, it’s if you don’t have that better foundation between the two of you, your kids will be screwed. And it’s not that they’re ruined for life. It doesn’t mean that just because someone goes through divorce or has hardship in their home, that their kids are in trouble.

 

00;08;38;09 – 00;08;59;12

Eli Weinstein

But if you have a better foundation between the two of you, you have a better chance of creating a home with safety, security, all the S’s by Dan Siegel and Tina Bryson. You can work on all those things, but if you guys are at each other’s throats right, it will not be a successful home. And then what happens when the kids go off and leave?

 

00;08;59;14 – 00;09;24;20

Eli Weinstein

You’re left with each other, and it’s a very hard thing when you’re pouring everything into your children. And don’t pour something into the relationship. So it’s really just this book is really a foundational. Anyone can pick this book up who’s struggling their relationship with or without children in their life. Pre children, they just got married. They’re dating. Whatever state you’re in, you don’t have to have kids to read this book.

 

00;09;24;22 – 00;09;25;06

Dr. Mona

And my life.

 

00;09;25;07 – 00;10;01;20

Eli Weinstein

Is in the lens of, hey, here’s a lot of stories of clients over the last ten years. My stories of dealing with ridiculousness, of poop explosions and, you know, your at your end with your kids and and how and I talk very vulnerably with my panic attacks that I had over the years because of or due to unresolved and unmet needs that didn’t come out well, and even other arguments and classic things that we get stuck in because not the kids, the environment that now creates.

 

00;10;01;20 – 00;10;27;25

Eli Weinstein

So this is not a book of blaming children. It’s a blessing and it’s a struggle. And I’m very honest with it. I’m not I don’t I’m not a person who likes to sugarcoat things. I’m very no BS, very to the point kids can suck sometimes. Yeah, and they can. But also there’s beauty and power to that family home, you know, creating the next generation, whatever, whatever your culture or value is.

 

00;10;27;27 – 00;10;41;01

Eli Weinstein

And it’s something I’m so, so passionate about. It gives me goosebumps because I just love this work so much. I love couples, I love relationships. Some people think that’s a sickness, that I love doing that work.

 

00;10;41;03 – 00;10;45;27

Dr. Mona

It’s how I do it. It’s how I feel about parenting, like, I yeah, I it’s a sickness.

 

00;10;45;27 – 00;11;06;21

Eli Weinstein

I love it, I’m obsessed with it. And to me, when it comes to I’ve seen it, I’ve felt it, I’ve dealt with it and I’ve worked with it. Any walk of life, any combo of religion, sexual orientation, it impacts every human being on this planet when kids and relationships come together. Yeah. So I’m just super excited.

 

00;11;06;24 – 00;11;22;23

Dr. Mona

Oh, I can feel it. I get goosebumps hearing how passionate you are about this, because that shows that I know it’s going to be a great book. I know it’s out there. I haven’t read it yet, but I’m going to grab it. And so, you know, I and I think it’s also to your point, you know, you mentioned like even if you’re not don’t have children how to an important book.

 

00;11;22;29 – 00;11;38;13

Dr. Mona

I think this is a good book to read. Even if you don’t have, you feel like you may not have any relationship issues because it’s foundational, right? It’s important to kind of know that things change and maybe maybe you’re pregnant, or maybe you feel like you have a solid relationship, and then you read this book and you’re like, you know what, sweetie?

 

00;11;38;13 – 00;11;40;08

Dr. Mona

We could be better at this when the baby comes.

 

00;11;40;08 – 00;11;58;07

Eli Weinstein

Or and even when even when the babies are out of the house, by the way. Right. Even when they’re in college. This could be a good reset. Yeah. Like sometimes this is a this is a reminder. This could be a reset. This could be a I never thought of it that way. Or that story speaks to me.

 

00;11;58;09 – 00;12;02;21

Eli Weinstein

And how can I learn from that?

 

00;12;02;24 – 00;12;10;27

Dr. Mona

Now let’s take a quick break to hear from our sponsors who support helps us keep bringing you this show.

 

00;12;10;29 – 00;12;28;10

Dr. Mona

And I know you, you know, brought this conversation up by talking about how that first year was hard. And I also agree that that first year, because of the needs of the baby, right. The feeding, the sleep, the new roles we now have. Right. Like it’s not just Mona and Gaurav in my in my situation, it was now Mona.

 

00;12;28;10 – 00;12;50;02

Dr. Mona

Mom, dad, Gaurav. I mean, we’re adding a new title and responsibly said so. In your book, you write about expectations, perceptions and realities, the Holy Trinity that often can trip couples up. Which of these three do you see causing the biggest rift in relationships? Maybe before or after children? And what’s one practical way couples can reset this in real time?

 

00;12;50;02 – 00;12;53;22

Dr. Mona

Or is it all three that are kind of rearing their ugly head?

 

00;12;53;25 – 00;13;11;18

Eli Weinstein

The classic answer would be all three. But I’m going to really just nitpick at expectations. Yeah, because I think if we’re setting ourselves up to a certain standard and the book I talk about that it’s not about lowering your standards, being more realistic with them. We’re not here to put our standards at zero and saying, well, let’s see what happens.

 

00;13;11;21 – 00;13;34;12

Eli Weinstein

And the expectations too. Perception angle of that triangle is really where the trip up happens. That little right in the middle of those two, because the example I usually give with this conversation is someone’s working from home and the other person’s not may come home and they see that the dishes are in the sink. And their expectation was, hey, you’re home all day.

 

00;13;34;12 – 00;13;51;17

Eli Weinstein

You should have done the dishes. And now you see the dishes, and now your perception is you are a lazy son of a gun. You suck. What are you doing? You’re so. You’re just wasted to. I went out and worked, and this could be to be either partner. Doesn’t matter who went out to work. And then. Now how do you.

 

00;13;51;17 – 00;14;11;10

Eli Weinstein

How do you interact with that person? You are just on edge. But because my expectation was there, I never voiced it and said, hey, can you take care of this right before I get home? I would really appreciate it. It’s the expectation that catches you because you assume, hey, this should be done. And then you walk into the space and now you’re angry.

 

00;14;11;13 – 00;14;32;25

Eli Weinstein

So to me, a little tactic that I utilize a lot with my my own wife, my kids, I push that so often with the clients that I work with. It’s it’s called a check in. Yeah. And this is the night before or the morning of five minutes. This is a logistic conversation. Solely logistic. This is not emotions. This is not ego.

 

00;14;32;29 – 00;14;57;07

Eli Weinstein

This is just check in. Hey what’s on tap tomorrow. What’s your schedule like? I’ll give you an example. This morning my wife said hey what’s on tap today? I’m going to drop off the kids at school, going to get home and talk to Doctor Mona. I love that I have my clients and here’s my breaks. Oh, during that break, can you do this for sure or I can’t do it then.

 

00;14;57;07 – 00;15;13;00

Eli Weinstein

But I can do it later. That five minute conversation and it’s back and forth. It’s two way. I do the same thing to my wife or before we go to bed, because let’s be honest, you’re probably sitting in bed next to each other, scrolling or reading a book or watching TV. Pause five minutes before you are ready to go to bed.

 

00;15;13;03 – 00;15;30;26

Eli Weinstein

Whether it’s the melatonin kicking in or you just had a long day and you’re falling asleep. Hey, what’s on tap tomorrow? What do you expect for me? What do you hope to get out for yourself? These little questions can really set up that you don’t get to the end of the day and go, what? You’re supposed to make dinner?

 

00;15;30;28 – 00;15;56;26

Eli Weinstein

Yeah. No, it’s Tuesday, Taco Tuesday. You’re making dinner? Nope. What? No. It’s Wednesday. Oh, gosh, it’s Wednesday. Right? And then what happens now? There’s angst. Now there’s tension. Now there’s like, you suck. What is wrong with you? I can’t rely on you. There’s resentment. There’s there’s all this stuff. So five minute check in night, morning, every day, every day.

 

00;15;56;28 – 00;16;15;27

Eli Weinstein

And it’s not a big deal. This is not. You’re better than me. You have a better job. You make more money, you’re out of the house. I’m in the house. I’m a single dad. I’m a single mom. No, this is what’s on tap for tomorrow. What do you need for me? Let’s get it done. One. Two. Three. Break and then all the expectations are out the window.

 

00;16;15;27 – 00;16;31;24

Eli Weinstein

Because now we know. Now. Now it hits that piece of screw the perceptions. Now that goes out the window. Because you don’t need that anymore. Now it’s reality. Now it’s now it’s there. So that to me is such a life changer. I’ve utilized it. It has stopped so many arguments from bubbling over.

 

00;16;32;01 – 00;16;35;10

Dr. Mona

Are you, did you talk to my husband for this episode?

 

00;16;35;13 – 00;16;37;27

Eli Weinstein

I did not the dishes doesn’t talk to me.

 

00;16;38;00 – 00;16;55;04

Dr. Mona

The dishes example is. No, I’m going to. I’m going to be transparent here. So that dishes example. I am guilty of doing that for my husband. Meaning? Just say I go out for the night with some girlfriends. Right. And he’s he’s with the he’s with the kids and he does everything else. He does their bedtime and all that.

 

00;16;55;07 – 00;17;15;06

Dr. Mona

My husband hates doing dishes like it’s what I know about him. Like he hates doing dishes. He won’t do the dishes. And so when I come home from that girl’s night and I walk into the room and I see the sink full of dishes, my brain immediately went to this son of a gun. They didn’t do the dishes, not all the other things that he did that night.

 

00;17;15;06 – 00;17;29;19

Dr. Mona

Right? And so what we did is really being very transparent before I left. Hey, guess what? I’m going out. Do you mind just doing takeout tonight, or do you mind just doing something easy? Because if he’s not going to want to do dishes, what is the alternative there? Right? Because I don’t want to come home to do the dishes.

 

00;17;29;19 – 00;17;53;05

Dr. Mona

So then let’s make it easy. Clean up as possible. And once we started communicating that, it got better. So the next time I’m not coming home angrily passive aggressively doing dishes, which I don’t do that anymore. But, you know, going back to this whole expectations and knowing what each of the person is capable or wanting to do, and obviously middle ground is great, but sometimes it may be like, hey, I’m not wanting to do this.

 

00;17;53;05 – 00;18;13;23

Dr. Mona

What is the alternative here? And I’ve always told my husband that communication is the root of all relationships with, you know, with merit in marriages, partners, with my child. It’s such an important thing. And so many people lose the art of communication. One of the biggest things that we struggled with, and maybe a lot of my listeners may relate, is that I think that check in thing is beautiful.

 

00;18;13;23 – 00;18;36;24

Dr. Mona

But then I have a husband who’s a shift worker, so I can’t have that evening chat with him for five minutes because he’s intubating a patient in the E.R. and and those days were happening. I started noticing the resentment starting to build because I wasn’t able to have the check in. And then the next morning when I wake up, he’s sleeping because of our schedule being off.

 

00;18;37;02 – 00;19;04;26

Dr. Mona

And so I’m not able to give him the rundown on what’s happening. And so then it became me texting him, hey, good morning, here’s what’s going on. And then he was like, I don’t like that. You message me like stuff that needs to get done at the beginning of the day. And then we resolution there was us talking about the situation that, hey, this is check in is really important for me, and that we all know that Ryan has soccer or that, you know, you have to do pickup or that I have, I’m recording a podcast or whatever.

 

00;19;04;29 – 00;19;22;20

Dr. Mona

And then it was understanding that it’s not me being like short because sometimes he takes it as like, where’s like the hello or like the reason, like why am I being told, right when I woke up, what I have to do? And then once we just communicated the intent, it got better. So now he knows that hey, good morning is not like passive aggressive.

 

00;19;22;20 – 00;19;48;06

Dr. Mona

It’s. Yeah. Hey, good morning. I’m out for the day. So you’re not going to see me in the house. Here’s what’s going on. Check the calendar and I share that. And I maybe you have other tips for parents who have these sort of off schedules, but it was what helped us a lot, because I also believe that when he’s home and we’re able to go to bed and have that connection, and you’re right that it’s not a heavy lift, it’s literally 3 to 5 minutes of like, let’s, let’s powwow and let’s just talk about this.

 

00;19;48;06 – 00;20;09;24

Dr. Mona

And, it really has helped us so that there’s not this sort of, well, I told you or you didn’t listen, and now it’s my turn, and you don’t understand that I had it because we dealt with that. We dealt with that for a long time because I was the person had a more flexible schedule that ended up being the one who has to do more of the kid stuff and those roles become less delineated and feel like, well, why is it me?

 

00;20;10;00 – 00;20;13;07

Dr. Mona

And I always start to feel resentful? And I love that you brought that up because it’s valid.

 

00;20;13;08 – 00;20;32;23

Eli Weinstein

Absolutely. That’s that’s my role. I’m the flexible one because I have my own practice. You know, I can move, pick clients around if I needed. I don’t I don’t have to do a podcast right now. You can write the book later. Right. So, it is something that has really been an impactful shift, but it has to happen.

 

00;20;32;25 – 00;20;33;06

Dr. Mona

Right.

 

00;20;33;07 – 00;20;51;21

Eli Weinstein

And and one of the biggest things that I see get in the way of this check in is when then we start doing the, the, the scoreboard. Right. The tit for tat, which I never I don’t usually use these languages like never but like don’t do that. Yeah. Tit for tat never works. Never helps is not a game of winning.

 

00;20;51;21 – 00;21;08;00

Eli Weinstein

And losing. Because once you start taking that mindset of winning and losing, you’ve lost. You’ve lost because you’re trying to make it a game. It’s not a scoreboard. So as long as we’re not scoreboard it, we’re really being genuine. It doesn’t matter who put the kids to bed last night, it doesn’t matter. It’s today’s task.

 

00;21;08;02 – 00;21;08;20

Dr. Mona

Yeah.

 

00;21;08;22 – 00;21;27;06

Eli Weinstein

It’s a day. And you know, there’s other tactics that I can throw in of how to like, not get resentful and all those other things of, you know, thank you’s and little loves and intimacy and things like that, that we can have to be able to take away that pressure of you serious? I just did carpool yesterday. I got to do it again.

 

00;21;27;08 – 00;21;45;29

Eli Weinstein

What? Where are you? What are you doing? Right. So we don’t get into that headspace. There’s a lot of places that we can really kind of figure that out, but if we’re not communicating it, then it doesn’t matter. All the other stuff I have this like I have very sassy takes on certain things like love, languages and all these kind of stuff.

 

00;21;46;02 – 00;22;08;16

Eli Weinstein

If you don’t like each other or want to talk to each other, who cares how you say it, right? Right. The eyes and all the perfect. Oh, but they didn’t say that, Ellie. They didn’t say. I feel it when. Okay, but you hate each other and don’t want to talk. Who cares? Oh, you’re not even talking. So as long as you’re communicating, doing the check ins, there’s a lot more success that can happen.

 

00;22;08;19 – 00;22;26;26

Dr. Mona

Oh, I definitely want to get into the, you know, the small moments that you mentioned. Absolutely. And I think we will. And, you know, I think one of the biggest things that I hear and I had felt and I’ve obviously worked on, is that one of the biggest pain points in parenting is the invisible, unspoken work of running a household, raising kids, things that may not be as obvious.

 

00;22;26;26 – 00;22;36;04

Dr. Mona

Right? Like the the check, the the ordering of things and all of that. Like what women, what women call the mental load. My husband believes that that’s not a real thing, but, well, that’s.

 

00;22;36;08 – 00;22;37;00

Eli Weinstein

So real.

 

00;22;37;02 – 00;22;58;11

Dr. Mona

Conversation for a different story. But now he’s understanding what I mean. But how can couples get better at naming and sharing that emotional and logistical load with falling without falling into that? Well, tit for tat and well, you didn’t do this for that blame game that I think often happens when I think the person who may have more of the load feels like that other person’s not seeing them for the load.

 

00;22;58;11 – 00;23;02;07

Dr. Mona

That’s being carried.

 

00;23;02;09 – 00;23;08;03

Dr. Mona

Now, let’s take a quick break to hear from our sponsors who support helps us keep bringing you this show.

 

00;23;08;06 – 00;23;21;29

Eli Weinstein

Oh, there’s one of my favorite topics. Even though everything in the book is my favorite topic, but, which is hard. It’s hard to pick, like your favorite child, but, they’re all my favorite children.

 

00;23;22;01 – 00;23;23;05

Dr. Mona

By the way, in case you’re listening.

 

00;23;23;05 – 00;23;49;04

Eli Weinstein

Your favorite first child’s favorite second child. Exactly right. So the one thing I say, the tagline I have for this whole topic is you cannot quantify quality. Because what? Take someone 30 tasks could take someone seven tasks. It’s not about the amount, it’s the quality of it and how much it takes on their brain. My wife is an amazing logistical person.

 

00;23;49;06 – 00;24;18;06

Eli Weinstein

If one client asks to reschedule in my workday or my week, my brain glitches, I’m on Twitter and I can have plenty of space, let’s say, to move my wife boom boom boom boom. She is just a robot in that way, in the most beautiful way. I have different skills, right? So I cannot quantify her doing. Instacart, target, Amazon, the kids schedule, the, you know, the the schedule for pickup.

 

00;24;18;06 – 00;24;35;09

Eli Weinstein

I cannot so what so I do the bigger things, I take out the garbage, I do this and the other thing I pay a bill here, PayPal there, and then what? I then also stock up all the bathrooms with tushy wipes and, you know, toilet paper. Big deal. Someone would look at them and go, of course it’s not equal.

 

00;24;35;09 – 00;24;59;26

Eli Weinstein

It isn’t. But we cannot quantify that quality of how much effort it takes on the brain and on the body. That’s number one. So number two, just about the mental load. It is so freakin real. Men have a different mental load. The difference between men and women from you look at Susan David’s research on emotional agility is that there they’re breeders which means it’s a hamster wheel.

 

00;24;59;29 – 00;25;21;20

Eli Weinstein

Mentally it’s just it’s going you just imagine you’re throwing more hamsters into it’s the same size wheel at some point. Not all hamsters can fit. So men don’t have that hamster wheel. It’s more of like big picture things and general things that weigh on their brains. And this is a research thing. This is not just me and from experience.

 

00;25;21;22 – 00;25;35;28

Eli Weinstein

So that’s the difference. It is a mental load. Mental load crosses both partners. The intensity and the consistency of it is a lot more aggressive in women because they’re like, oh, that, that, that, that, that, that, that it’s just more hamsters in that same size.

 

00;25;35;29 – 00;25;47;01

Dr. Mona

You’re right. That’s actually a very good analogy because it does feel like a hamster. It is. I will say that my husband is the same, that he does that bigger picture rumination. He’s like, well, he’s thinking about.

 

00;25;47;03 – 00;25;50;01

Eli Weinstein

Finding are we going, oh yeah, the bills. And you know.

 

00;25;50;01 – 00;26;08;28

Dr. Mona

Like like the taxes and all. Yeah. And again, I get what he’s saying that I’m and I am very good at the like the hamster wheel like this logistics and like yeah I it’s so funny because I can, I can literally execute anything with my with my Google spreadsheet. Like I’m like it’s like a, it’s a hidden skill rising skill.

 

00;26;09;00 – 00;26;22;18

Eli Weinstein

So yeah, something that I do, I call it the rhombus moment. Why? Rhombus is my favorite word because of where the Wild Things Are. It means a dance to play. Yeah, I just love the picture of them dancing in the. It’s one of my favorite books growing up. Thank you to my aunt.

 

00;26;22;20 – 00;26;23;00

Dr. Mona

I love it.

 

00;26;23;05 – 00;26;45;08

Eli Weinstein

Yeah. So rhombus in my house, the key word or trigger word or keyword as you want to call it, to set the mindset of the conversation. So rapid moment means, hey, I’m about to air something out that’s on my heart or on my mind. It’s not to be an attack. It’s not to be defended. It’s to be safe and clear and calm.

 

00;26;45;10 – 00;27;06;00

Eli Weinstein

Hey, when I’ll I’ll give you exact example that I wrote in the book. My wife, I asked permission from my wife for all these stories. One day I said to my wife, hey honey, can I clear the sink and put things in the dishwasher? And she like, glitched and freaked out on me and I’m like, what the hell just happened?

 

00;27;06;05 – 00;27;27;27

Eli Weinstein

Yeah. Hour later, my wife constantly goes, rhombus. I go, okay, mindset is this is going to be a real thing. Vulnerable. I need to be present. Yeah, that’s what it triggers. Now what happened? She goes, I am so sorry. You said, can I clear the sink? I got in my head that you were blaming me for not cleaning the dishes because I made the mess.

 

00;27;27;27 – 00;27;50;26

Eli Weinstein

Because I baked something, all the dishes that I made. So I thought, you are criticizing versus actually wanting to help. I’m sorry I overreacted. Now, that takes huge awareness, huge vulnerability, huge guts to open up and be brave like that. That’s what rhombus is, right? I have all these tasks. I’m doing all these things. Rhombus, you get into that mindset of this is going to be vulnerable.

 

00;27;50;26 – 00;28;12;17

Eli Weinstein

This is going to be real. Be present, be honest. Now the person who’s listening has to be able to sit in that pocket and not jump, but but an attack and push back. Someone’s coming to you and saying something very, very real. So you sit there, listen. Then you ask this question, can I say something or can I add something to that?

 

00;28;12;20 – 00;28;40;06

Eli Weinstein

If the person allows it and says, yes, great. If not, there’s always time later to talk about it. You don’t have to force it. The person might just want to get off their chest so that it doesn’t brew into something bigger. It nips it in the bud. So if I’m a little pissed about this, or I’m a little frustrated, this or this little thing annoy me, or the way you spoke to me earlier, or what you did with the kids, or what you didn’t do, or that bottle that’s been sitting there for seven days is still there.

 

00;28;40;09 – 00;29;03;11

Eli Weinstein

I can open up to you without it being something that now be becomes part of a bigger conversation or argument. And then, like the commons called the kitchen sink, I now throw it at you. But that won’t happen because I already took care of it. It’s gone. I told you, rhombus, it’s now out. It’s done. It’s. The balloon has been popped, the air has been let go, and now I can breathe.

 

00;29;03;14 – 00;29;25;16

Eli Weinstein

So that would be a tactic to help with that mental load. I’ll give an example of a client that recently told me this. That his wife was sick in bed. Nothing serious, nothing crazy. Stomach bug. Guess what? He had to be on all day with four kids. That is hard. It is hard. Overwhelming. The wife did nothing wrong for recovering.

 

00;29;25;20 – 00;29;44;16

Eli Weinstein

So what’s the rumpus? Hey, honey, I love you. And I’m so happy that you had time to rest. I just need to let this off my chest so it doesn’t become something that I now hold against you. Hey, remember that weekend when you were in bed all day? You suck. And now I do more? No. Hey, that was really hard.

 

00;29;44;18 – 00;29;58;04

Eli Weinstein

I just wanted to let you know I did my best. It was a lot for me. It was overwhelming. It’s not blaming. It’s not attacking. It’s not doing anything. It’s just saying what the feeling is. That was really difficult. Now we can move on. Now it’s over.

 

00;29;58;07 – 00;30;18;05

Dr. Mona

And it is powerful. I mean, I love this because I’m speaking from an example of like when I talked about my husband having those shifts or he was gone for like a long weekend. Right. And I he then comes back to then working two shifts after being away for a long weekend. And that resentment builds up because we didn’t have the rumpus moments, we didn’t have those check in moments.

 

00;30;18;13 – 00;30;37;22

Dr. Mona

And that bottle example that you gave, like he’ll leave a bowl like on like the coffee table or something. It’s not about the bowl. It’s not. It never was about never about the bowl. It was never about that. It was the fact that I was lacking the ability to connect and lacking the ability to get out. The feeling of, hey, I really missed you when you were gone.

 

00;30;37;22 – 00;30;53;04

Dr. Mona

It’s been very draining for me handling all the kids stuff. My stuff for the last six days. And it’s not that I need him to fix that. And that’s the thing that you’re saying. It’s not that I expect him to be like, well, I’m not going to go to work tomorrow. I’m going to stay home. It’s just almost the acknowledgment of a feeling, right?

 

00;30;53;04 – 00;31;12;02

Dr. Mona

It’s like when we talk about it with kids, right? We talk about it that when a kid is having a feeling we’re not going to shove it down, we’re not going to say, well, don’t feel that way. It’s same thing as a grown woman and a grown man or anyone in a relationship. Being able to say this made me feel something, and I just want to be able to tell you in this, in this moment, and I don’t need a solution.

 

00;31;12;05 – 00;31;29;14

Dr. Mona

It is therapeutic and it actually can just help, like you said, to not allow things to build, because that build up is what leads to that passive aggressive moment or whatever coping skill that you learn from a parent that is how they dealt with these situations because they never had those communication moments. And that’s where it comes down to.

 

00;31;29;14 – 00;31;43;29

Dr. Mona

My mom was a passive aggressive person. When she didn’t get those moments of being able to say how she felt, she would just be like, well, I’ll do it. I’ll let me just do it now. And I said, well, huffing and puffing, yeah. The huffing and puffing. And I started to see how that doesn’t work well in a, in a relationship.

 

00;31;44;01 – 00;31;57;00

Dr. Mona

And I am trying to rein that in. And sometimes when I notice, that is when I say, you know what I think I need to have? I love your term this moment, and I’m going to do that more and like say, hey, but now I don’t. Now I don’t have that word. But now I think adding that word is going to make it more fun.

 

00;31;57;05 – 00;31;58;01

Dr. Mona

But I’m like, you know what?

 

00;31;58;01 – 00;31;59;13

Eli Weinstein

It has to be a cutesy, fun word.

 

00;31;59;17 – 00;32;14;27

Dr. Mona

Yeah, it and it does. And it makes it more, more fun to actually say it. But you’re right, because that happened. And I told him like, hey, I’m mad. I’m irritated, but it’s not because of you. It’s because of you were gone. And I’m and I can’t I couldn’t talk to you. And even when I texted you when you were gone, you didn’t respond.

 

00;32;15;03 – 00;32;30;27

Dr. Mona

And I got very upset because you weren’t responding to my messages. And it was because I was trying to communicate something with you, and you didn’t understand that it was important for me. And that is again, the expectation. So I love that. I think it I don’t think people realize just by saying things without solutions so that you can actually see change.

 

00;32;31;00 – 00;32;54;00

Dr. Mona

Yeah, I love that. Oh, I want to get into the communication after kids. You know, like we talk about, Pillow Talk 2.0 in your book, you know, that you’re obviously going to have to tweak how communication will look like after children. So how can couples bring that curiosity instead of criticism? Or here’s where you can kind of bring in those little small moments of connection, communication that you feel are really useful.

 

00;32;54;03 – 00;33;13;22

Eli Weinstein

So I wrote down like four things. We’ll see if we get to them. If not, the one thing that I remember years ago, someone told me that communication needs to be hot, and needs to be honest, open in two ways. It was like going to see you course where I actually paid attention, you know, communication where I actually pay attention to just skip it to do the test.

 

00;33;13;25 – 00;33;36;06

Eli Weinstein

Yeah. And, I don’t do that. What are you talking about? And the idea is that we need to just be really real with what the conversation is. So an iconic book that I actually read a year or two before even writing this book is Super Communicators by Charles Duhigg. Who’s like the main guy on habit building, better habits.

 

00;33;36;06 – 00;34;05;05

Eli Weinstein

Better, I don’t remember what it actually titled. Other title is The Super Communicators breaks down communication to three categories feeling logistics, and social Social’s like pop culture. What’s the The Bachelor, Taylor Swift got engaged. Whatever. All those social things, 70% of conversations and social social interaction is the 30% that we get really caught up on. So if the first thing is we need to figure out how we communicate and what the conversation is.

 

00;34;05;05 – 00;34;26;12

Eli Weinstein

This is the logistics are feeling conversation. Once we’re on the same wavelength, I can then tune my brain to what we’re talking about. If I’m having a feeling conversation and you’re having a logistic conversation, we’re not having the same conversation even on the same topic. Right? Who’s taking care of this? Oh, it’s a logistic. No. Well, I actually have undertones of feelings.

 

00;34;26;12 – 00;34;48;25

Eli Weinstein

And you, you’re only talking logistics. Really? That’s what you’re dealing with. Argument. You don’t see me. I don’t feel respected. I had a client a couple years ago who was talking about, taking care of things around the house chores, and she finally broke down and said, you don’t respect and see all the efforts that I am making.

 

00;34;48;28 – 00;35;17;06

Eli Weinstein

Logistic feeling they were not talking to the same thing. He’s like, what? I said, I’m going to do more about the things. That’s not what this is about. It’s about I don’t feel seen to say that. Never said we didn’t know we were on the same page. So that’s number one is having like the same wavelength. I have this formula that’s not a great I’m not good at math, but I try I tried it’s mindset plus time plus place plus reassurance equals safety.

 

00;35;17;08 – 00;35;19;24

Eli Weinstein

Mindset is are you ready for the conversation?

 

00;35;19;27 – 00;35;21;16

Dr. Mona

Yeah. Hey.

 

00;35;21;19 – 00;35;37;16

Eli Weinstein

Do you have a couple minutes to talk? Now I know I’m a big talker, I have ADHD, I have a lot of energy. If I’ve. I come after a long day of work and I come into the kitchen or the part of the house and my wife is at, and I just go and I talk to her, what if what if she’s not ready for it?

 

00;35;37;16 – 00;35;54;09

Eli Weinstein

And she goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, I feel rejected, I feel hurt, I feel an unseen as a partner. So I go, hey, do you got a couple minutes? I want to talk to you about something that’s mindset. Are you in the right mindset? Number two is time. What if someone has a meeting while I’m. Someone’s running to go do something?

 

00;35;54;09 – 00;36;18;22

Eli Weinstein

It’s like the physical space of time, place, context. Are we having this argument and conversation in front of our parents? Are we doing this in public? Is this in front of our kids? Are we going to do it quietly? How do we create that place? And the last part is reassurance is when someone doesn’t have the mindset, time and place to talk.

 

00;36;18;25 – 00;36;38;25

Eli Weinstein

Reassurance is I love you, I care about you. Can we talk in 15 minutes? Right now is not a good time. So if those things come together, creates a safety culture, safety space, so to speak, to have healthier conversations. And the last thing is a tactic I do this with every couple I work with is called full communication.

 

00;36;38;27 – 00;36;59;23

Eli Weinstein

What I mean by that is if I would ever say to someone, hey, can you take out the garbage? One person here is that as right now another person hears that when you’re ready, another person thinks three other things. Who knows? You’re right. So full communication is literally saying the entire thought that you have about anything from start to finish.

 

00;36;59;23 – 00;37;14;20

Eli Weinstein

Hey honey, I know you’re busy. I see that you’re doing something or you’re not. Whatever it is, can you please take out the garbage right now? Because it really mean a lot. Because I’m going to about to make a big mess with cutting up a watermelon. And I need the garbage. Empty, right? Can you please do it for me?

 

00;37;14;20 – 00;37;22;07

Eli Weinstein

That’d be really, really important for communication, for thought. If you just say take out the garbage and they do it in an hour and it.

 

00;37;22;07 – 00;37;23;06

Dr. Mona

Still was done, right?

 

00;37;23;06 – 00;37;44;07

Eli Weinstein

Except it was done. But you asked me to take the garbage out. Yeah, I know I meant right now because of XYZ. Don’t wait till that part. Say it beforehand. Full communication, get the full thought out. So there’s no assumptions, no needing to read each other’s minds. None of that garbage. Yeah, no. And none of that. All those tactics that we fall into.

 

00;37;44;13 – 00;37;46;01

Eli Weinstein

They should know what I think. No, they should.

 

00;37;46;01 – 00;37;46;28

Dr. Mona

Write.

 

00;37;47;01 – 00;37;57;25

Eli Weinstein

Full communication. I’m telling you everything. And then hopefully they receive that. And now they can do what is needed because you told them everything or they can respond accordingly.

 

00;37;57;27 – 00;38;05;18

Dr. Mona

I love that you talked about assumptions, because I think that is going back to the communication thing. And I’m going to definitely read Super Communicators because I love learning about communication.

 

00;38;05;20 – 00;38;06;27

Eli Weinstein

Unbelievable book, I.

 

00;38;06;27 – 00;38;08;05

Dr. Mona

Love it, I.

 

00;38;08;08 – 00;38;10;19

Eli Weinstein

Believe a book, and I just my mindset and.

 

00;38;10;19 – 00;38;31;07

Dr. Mona

I again, I think about it so much in parenting and I, I’m so into how we communicate with children. And then because of that, I become so interested in how I communicate with my partner and my peers. And I should have been thinking about this even before children, because it is the downfall of a lot of relationships and a lot of like, again, resentment and sort of these assumptions that we create.

 

00;38;31;09 – 00;38;46;17

Dr. Mona

And exactly, you did a perfect example with that garbage, because I think everyone listening can relate to that moment of like, hey, the garbage is the other one that I know a lot of my I see videos on is like when when people leave stuff on the stairs to take up, you know, like there’s a lot of jokes about that.

 

00;38;46;17 – 00;38;47;21

Dr. Mona

Like, you know, you leave it there.

 

00;38;47;22 – 00;38;49;07

Eli Weinstein

I do that to myself. So I.

 

00;38;49;12 – 00;38;51;16

Dr. Mona

Yeah, with the assumption that whoever sees it.

 

00;38;51;21 – 00;38;52;22

Eli Weinstein

Is going to grab it and go.

 

00;38;52;26 – 00;39;07;00

Dr. Mona

Right. But then it’s there. And there was one video that went around which was kind of funny, that the dad was like, my mom. My wife does this fun game where she leaves little hurdles on the stairs and, you know, now it’s just growing. And I don’t know why she does this for me. She must really love me.

 

00;39;07;00 – 00;39;07;09

Dr. Mona

It’s I’m.

 

00;39;07;12 – 00;39;08;03

Eli Weinstein

A warrior.

 

00;39;08;03 – 00;39;24;11

Dr. Mona

It’s obviously a joke, but, like, you know, it’s an example. And it wasn’t until I my I do the same thing that I unpack all the packages, usually because I am the one who does more of the ordering and I leave things on the staircase. But I expect, I expect and assume my husband’s going to take his stuff up, and then he doesn’t.

 

00;39;24;11 – 00;39;46;28

Dr. Mona

And then it’s that clear. Like, hey, your workout gloves have been sitting on the staircase. Do you want to put those away? And it’s like just telling him like that, hey, I’ve noticed that and that’s it. It’s not that. It’s again, not bottling up this narrative. And I think we you know, you’ve talked about this, the sort of narrative that can be created, that this person is a bad person, like, doesn’t, doesn’t, doesn’t value you, doesn’t do this for you.

 

00;39;46;28 – 00;40;10;06

Dr. Mona

And then that’s how you create that, that sort of resentment of like, well, now everything you do is against me. And I think that resentment and lack of communication, especially after children, when the workload becomes so much more, is why this probably happens, right? Like, why do you think it’s happening so much more after children? That this is, you know, a reality for so many parents and couples.

 

00;40;10;08 – 00;40;18;21

Dr. Mona

Now let’s take a quick break to hear from our sponsors who support helps us keep bringing you this show.

 

00;40;18;23 – 00;40;32;24

Eli Weinstein

I think it’s a few things. I think number one, we’re just so tired. Just physically. Yeah. Like so just your drain physically of running, doing, going and being so. And because you’re doing so much more, you have less time with each other.

 

00;40;32;27 – 00;40;33;08

Dr. Mona

Yeah.

 

00;40;33;08 – 00;40;52;29

Eli Weinstein

And because you have less time with each other, you’re not talking and connecting and doing all these natural things that you normally would have done without kids. Yeah, okay. Just add just more on your plate. When it was just the two of you, you didn’t have that many dishes to do. When was the two of you didn’t have to clean up a whole room of toys that got played with at the the full day?

 

00;40;53;01 – 00;41;13;25

Eli Weinstein

Just the two of you didn’t have so much laundry to do every week somehow. So there’s just a lot more tasks and things. And you’re taking care of two human beings and their happiness and their health and their wealth, and they’re all the things schoolwork. Yeah. My daughter’s in first grade. She has she has homework. Now, that’s another thing, right?

 

00;41;13;28 – 00;41;30;15

Eli Weinstein

You know, getting them dressed, teaching them life skills, potty training. Right. Yeah. Sleep training. Yeah. All these things that we don’t do that they’re when they get married and have a relationship, it’s a little weird if they’re sitting in a diaper and they need their mommy to put them still to bed. So these are like life skills we’re teaching them.

 

00;41;30;15 – 00;41;53;21

Eli Weinstein

So it’s like it’s a lot more at stake than just the two of you who are adults already. Maybe not fully mature, maybe still, you know, children when you get married. I got married at 23, so I was a baby. Yeah. So like, that stuff is a little easier. The stakes are not so high. And now you have more tasks, more bills, more responsibility, and you’re supposed to have space to somehow still be the same couple.

 

00;41;53;24 – 00;42;12;01

Dr. Mona

Yeah. Hell no. No, I, I and I think it’s so important to call that out. I mean, I, I see that and I see a lot of, you know, obviously going through birth trauma with my, my husband. And then also IVF was huge for our marriage. And I told him with the birth trauma, it really could have either pulled us apart or brought us closer together.

 

00;42;12;01 – 00;42;42;12

Dr. Mona

And in our case, it did bring us closer together. But it also meant that we both realized we needed to go to individual therapy. That’s why I meant I made this closer together, because we both realized that in order for this marriage to work, that we both needed to undo a lot of the things that brought us to that point, the trauma around the delivery, but also the traumas that we’ve carried from childhood and what brought us into the coping skills, for example, when he retreats, because that’s his coping mechanism that he learned, I lash out, yeah, I claw out, I want to become passive aggressive.

 

00;42;42;12 – 00;43;02;09

Dr. Mona

And how are we going to better communicate so that we’re not creating this unhappy environment for my child? And going back to the beginning of this conversation, there is such a joy seeing my children see us love each other. Like when me and my husband like when I see my every every night. Now when my husband’s not working, I literally sit in his lap like a baby.

 

00;43;02;17 – 00;43;21;04

Dr. Mona

And I’m a grown woman businesswoman like I make my own damn money. But I feel so secure and happy when I’m A58 woman sitting in my husband’s lap like a little baby and him just patting my head and my kids will see that and they’ll they’ll come running and we’re like, no, no, it’s mommy time. We joke like, nope, mommy time on daddy.

 

00;43;21;04 – 00;43;36;18

Dr. Mona

Like, this is my time to cuddle. And then they they jump on us. But I love that they get to see that. I love that they also see us repair in front of them. For example, I am the one in the relationship to be more of the the yeller and the, vocal one because that’s who I am.

 

00;43;36;21 – 00;43;56;13

Dr. Mona

And if I do say something to my husband that is not kind or like I get irritated, the repair that I do in front of my kid like, hey Gaurav, I’m really sorry that I said that. We can talk about it later, but I notice my son watching. And one thing I didn’t get when I was a child, and I’m very big on this, is that my parents never disagreed in front of me.

 

00;43;56;15 – 00;44;19;17

Dr. Mona

And when I grew up, I thought that disagreements in a relationship were bad. Meaning when I dated and I got into a fight, quote unquote, with a partner whose over I thought it was over. I didn’t know how to help. I didn’t know how to effectively repair with a partner. But now my son gets to see that mommy and daddy just got into a little bit of a discussion, not like throwing things and angry because that’s not what we do, but that they repaired it in front of me.

 

00;44;19;23 – 00;44;37;20

Dr. Mona

And this is how relationships go, and this is how my relationship with mommy goes to, because sometimes I’ve yelled at Ryan or and so I, I really I believe that’s so strong of a skill that parents can teach their kid that. Yeah, even if you you may not argue in front of your child, but if it does happen.

 

00;44;37;22 – 00;44;55;20

Dr. Mona

Hey, you know what, sweetie? I think we need to do this later, or I’m sorry that I acted like that or I’m sorry because Ryan really sees that he’s five and a half, and he takes it in and he’ll come. He’ll come and say, you know, I’ve noticed that when I’ve been 2D with my husband, my my son will take my side and be like, yeah, daddy, you need to do that.

 

00;44;55;20 – 00;45;12;12

Dr. Mona

And I’m like, oh, shoot, that’s not what I want. I don’t want my son to come to my defense on an argument that has nothing to do with him. And that is when I realized I’m like, oh, crap. Like I got to start showing him the repair, not the daddy didn’t do this, or daddy leaves his clothes around because then he’ll start saying that.

 

00;45;12;12 – 00;45;18;07

Dr. Mona

And I think, you know, it’s a, it’s a it’s a tough thing to do, but it’s very important for the kids from a parenting lens.

 

00;45;18;09 – 00;45;32;16

Eli Weinstein

I’m so happy you said that. I write about that in the book as, like, some of the myths of, like, fighting equals divorce. My mom told me when she got into the first fight with my dad, she was like, she was bawling. And he’s like, what’s what’s wrong? He’s like, that’s it. It’s over.

 

00;45;32;22 – 00;45;33;28

Dr. Mona

Yeah, it’s he’s like, I’m.

 

00;45;33;28 – 00;45;54;23

Eli Weinstein

Talking about because in his home, my grandmother and grandfather fought like cats and dogs. My army and Opa, that’s my mom’s parents never saw them argue. Not a bad word. Not saying we shouldn’t. That shouldn’t be the goal. Like we should really be fighting and screaming and yelling as much as possible. But it doesn’t mean we should purposely be fighting in front of our kids either.

 

00;45;54;23 – 00;45;55;07

Dr. Mona

Correct?

 

00;45;55;07 – 00;46;14;08

Eli Weinstein

I agree it will happen. Yeah. And my and I remember like literally my mom saying that to me like fighting when I was dating. Like fighting doesn’t equal divorce. Fine. As an equal. And it’s how you repair and deal with it. My daughter jumps and takes my wife’s side, like, why would you do that, daddy? Why do we get so mean?

 

00;46;14;11 – 00;46;30;01

Eli Weinstein

Yeah. And but and I have to explain like this in adult conversation, all these things. But like, I kiss my wife in front of my kids. We have a lot of PDA, nothing crazy and inappropriate. And the kids go to. And we do it even more. Yeah. We hug. My dog joins in. Right.

 

00;46;30;03 – 00;46;30;18

Dr. Mona

Sorry.

 

00;46;30;21 – 00;46;51;11

Eli Weinstein

It’s a lot of fun. Yeah, well, it’s important to show love in front of your kids and struggle because you don’t want the narrative to be. When I’m in a relationship and I have a fight, that it’s over, or I don’t even know what it means to fight healthy, healthy is fighting happens. Conflict we try to avoid, but fighting arguments have.

 

00;46;51;11 – 00;47;02;19

Eli Weinstein

It’s two human beings creating a life together that’s not natural. It doesn’t work unless you make it work and you make those efforts every day. So it’s just important. Very, very important.

 

00;47;02;21 – 00;47;10;02

Dr. Mona

Oh, what other harmful relationship meant do you see repeated in parenting? A relationship culture that you would want you would like to rewrite? I love you wrote that.

 

00;47;10;02 – 00;47;17;13

Eli Weinstein

And in the in the book I only wrote five. There are like 3000 bajillion that I’m sure you see on Instagram is phenomenal.

 

00;47;17;13 – 00;47;17;21

Dr. Mona

I love.

 

00;47;17;22 – 00;47;36;05

Eli Weinstein

Number one. The other one that I’m very big on is you have to have it all figured out how to make it work. And there’s a story I tell that I heard years ago, I said, from the old country, because it’s like an old story of like a town that they live near the sea. And the mayor or king said, you have to, like, filter the water before you use it.

 

00;47;36;07 – 00;47;47;24

Eli Weinstein

There was a fire that broke out and the fire department ran out of water, and they went all to filter the water. What happened? Half the town burned down. The king goes, what the hell’s wrong with you? Why do you have to filter the water? Because you said you have to filter the water before we use it. Because.

 

00;47;47;24 – 00;48;04;14

Eli Weinstein

But if there’s a fire, you got to use whatever you can, right? If there’s a problem, you don’t have to be perfect. Yeah, because you’re not perfect. Yeah. Make the efforts do the best that you can. You don’t have to be perfect to date. You don’t have to have yourself all figured out. You have to have yourself figured out enough where you know what you need.

 

00;48;04;14 – 00;48;12;24

Eli Weinstein

We know what you want and you know what is healthy for you. So don’t be perfect. Be yourself and you will figure it out together.

 

00;48;12;26 – 00;48;37;17

Dr. Mona

This is parenting advice to everybody, right? I mean, I think like I had recorded another episode with someone about, post traumatic parenting, right? Like how people feel like they have to have it figured out and that they have to be calm, cool, and collected to be able to raise calm, cool and collected individuals. But not we often forget that we’re growing alongside our kids and being in a healthy marriage involves growing like we have seen a lot of our peers divorce, infidelity, things like that.

 

00;48;37;17 – 00;48;56;22

Dr. Mona

And it all goes down to resentment. It all goes down to lack of communication. It all goes down to the fact that people aren’t having these conversations in their marriage and discussing hard things. And our marriage got better when we started discussing the very hard things and fighting fair. Right. And you talk about that in terms of like in front of.

 

00;48;56;27 – 00;48;59;23

Dr. Mona

And I love that you mention that we’re not trying to fight in front of our kids and never is a.

 

00;48;59;23 – 00;49;02;09

Eli Weinstein

Whole chapter on that Cold War. That’s not.

 

00;49;02;11 – 00;49;02;17

Dr. Mona

How.

 

00;49;02;24 – 00;49;03;08

Eli Weinstein

Conflict.

 

00;49;03;09 – 00;49;14;10

Dr. Mona

Yeah. And I think that’s so important for for kids to see, but also for us to create a more stronger, resilient marriage through the very hard things that will happen. I mean, we’ve been married for ten years. This is.

 

00;49;14;10 – 00;49;34;02

Eli Weinstein

Not Disney. Yeah, yeah. I want to be very clear. This book and I and this concepts are not Disney love. This is not some prince and princess riding off in the sunset. This is like the trenches of war that you then win together. Yeah this is not going to be this book is not lovey dovey. If you just love them.

 

00;49;34;02 – 00;49;34;15

Eli Weinstein

That’s another.

 

00;49;34;15 – 00;49;49;05

Dr. Mona

One. Yeah, well this is all working. Relationship guidance has been not so great because I had two parents who never fought, so I didn’t see that. And then I was raised on Little Mermaid and the 90s Disney, like you just said. So like, oh, you’re just beautiful. And the Prince will come get you before.

 

00;49;49;05 – 00;49;52;16

Eli Weinstein

You come out of the water and have two legs and magically appear without talking.

 

00;49;52;21 – 00;50;25;16

Dr. Mona

Speak like so. Be that right? Like just like a good voice. Yeah, don’t get me started on Disney, but I love modern Disney. So my my final question. I mean, I love this. I’m so excited for you. And I’m just excited for people to get this book in their hands for, you know, we talk about the connection, what would be a story or an uplifting moment that maybe you or your wife did to each other that felt even more intimate than intimacy, like maybe a grounding small gesture or, you know, that was something that you’re like, I get you, we have this together that really made you feel like, you know, you’re a team.

 

00;50;25;18 – 00;50;27;18

Dr. Mona

And especially after having children.

 

00;50;27;20 – 00;50;49;04

Eli Weinstein

Yeah. So it really I write a whole chapter on, like, my admiration for my wife. I love it. She was, like, really annoyed at me. She’s like, don’t do this. Oh, this is a mother, a chapter. Your mother. You’re my wife. It’s happening. Yeah. And a lot of it was, I read a lot about poop explosions because my daughter, like, had crazy poops.

 

00;50;49;06 – 00;51;08;29

Eli Weinstein

And it was an iconic. We were a first year with it, with a kid. We were going away for the Jewish holidays, and we didn’t know what. We barely knew what to have in our own home. Let alone travel to my parents. And the baby was sleeping with us. Her name is Ricky. She was sleeping with us and she was like, you know, fussing crazy.

 

00;51;08;29 – 00;51;27;01

Eli Weinstein

That’s crazy. You know, you go through the ABCs, right? You check off, you know. Are they hungry? Are they are they hungry? Are they diaper change, burping, whatever. The classic things are tired. And all of a sudden we’re changing. My daughter’s diaper. It’s pitch black because it was like holiday. We don’t turn the lights on. And we heard a massive shaft.

 

00;51;27;03 – 00;51;29;01

Dr. Mona

Oh.

 

00;51;29;04 – 00;51;48;24

Eli Weinstein

We jumped out of the way, not knowing the damage. We turned on the lights and the lights went out in the morning, or the sun came out and we saw the ridiculous trace of disaster coming from little child’s butthole. Yeah, the insane poop. And we looked at each other and just laughed.

 

00;51;48;28 – 00;51;49;24

Dr. Mona

Oh.

 

00;51;49;27 – 00;52;04;15

Eli Weinstein

And we’re like, we can do this. Like, this is insane. But like, this is the journey. It was stressful. But then the next day we look at it and go, oh my gosh, we just do. You see this child so, so talented. They poop. Yeah.

 

00;52;04;15 – 00;52;06;01

Dr. Mona

Look at this level. So what’s.

 

00;52;06;01 – 00;52;28;26

Eli Weinstein

Next. You know one big level pooping. And it was just these like moments of being able to have humor and not getting crushed by these ridiculousness. The ridiculous situations that happen in everyday life with our kids. And it’s about stepping back, appreciating the efforts that we have and looking at the situation going, we’re doing it. Yeah, maybe not so perfect.

 

00;52;28;26 – 00;52;44;26

Eli Weinstein

Maybe it’s very messy, but we’re doing it. But we’re here together doing it. And I’d rather do this with you than any other person. And the mom chapter I wrote that the person I love the most has given birth to things I love to. Yeah.

 

00;52;44;29 – 00;52;47;04

Dr. Mona

And that’s that’s so beautiful. Yeah.

 

00;52;47;04 – 00;53;00;15

Eli Weinstein

So to be able to have that in your mind that I’m with the person I love the most. Yeah. With things that were created together and I love that mindset brings me together. I’m able to look at her and go like, oh wow, this is pretty freaking amazing.

 

00;53;00;17 – 00;53;16;15

Dr. Mona

Well, tell your wife that I love her to know, okay? Tell her that she needed to be in the book because that is so hard. But I love, I mean, what you just said about the person you love the most that you now created, people that you love too. I mean, that is that is it. And it goes back to what we chatted about with how we we often get so child focused.

 

00;53;16;15 – 00;53;39;26

Dr. Mona

And don’t get me wrong, I know they take up a lot of our time. I know that they’re the focus of our life, but you cannot neglect your relationship with your partner if you have a partner. I mean, it is something that I. I know it because I see it permeate into the child. I see how that impacts their their understanding of the world, how they hear their adults in their world talk to each other and talk about each other when that other partner is not there.

 

00;53;40;00 – 00;53;54;24

Dr. Mona

You know, I mean, all of that goes into that kid’s psyche and in that brain of like, oh, this is how people talk about each other and how we love each other. And what are the value systems that our family is going to have? And you said, that’s so beautifully. Thank you so much. Yeah. This is so great.

 

00;53;54;29 – 00;54;02;08

Dr. Mona

Where can people go to stay connected? I know your, you know, your podcasts, your socials, but also where can they go to get your book. And I’ll be linking everything to my show notes.

 

00;54;02;11 – 00;54;20;28

Eli Weinstein

Amazing. So hopefully by the time this comes out, the website is going to be redone with a link on the website. But it’s Ellie Wainstein, Lcsw w.com. Very simple. You can check me out on socials. Ellie Wainstein underscore l kw the two Therapist podcast. The book is from I do too we do navigating marriage to parenting years, Amazon, Barnes Nobles all the bookstores that I don’t know about.

 

00;54;20;28 – 00;54;25;29

Eli Weinstein

Hopefully it’s in every single one and in one near you. Please message, ask any questions you want.

 

00;54;26;02 – 00;54;34;23

Dr. Mona

Yes, grab the book. Definitely stay connected with him on social. Like I said, it was just it’s been such an honor chatting with him. Thank you so much Ellie. This was such a great conversation today.

 

00;54;34;28 – 00;54;38;01

Eli Weinstein

Thanks for having me.

 

00;54;38;03 – 00;54;54;05

Dr. Mona

Thank you so much for listening today. One of my biggest takeaways from this conversation was the idea of the rumpus moment. And I kind of mentioned as a rumble as well. And the importance of regular check ins and conversations in a relationship in our home. My husband and I call it a rumble or a state of the Union.

 

00;54;54;10 – 00;55;16;18

Dr. Mona

It’s that intentional time to reconnect. Talk about what’s working, what’s feeling heavy, and how we can support each other, not just logistics for the next day. Those small, consistent conversations can prevent resentment from building over time. If this episode resonated with you, I highly recommend checking out Eli’s book from I Do to We Do. I love that title Navigating Relationships Through Parenting Years.

 

00;55;16;22 – 00;55;40;19

Dr. Mona

It’s honest, practical, and deeply validating for couples in the parenting season. Make sure you subscribe to the podcast, download all the episodes please, or set up automatic downloads and share this episode on social media. Tagging at PedsDocTalk at the PedsDocTalkpodcast and at Eli Weinstein. Underscore therapy so more families can hear this conversation. Thank you so much for being here, for doing the hard work.

 

00;55;40;22 – 00;55;42;07

Dr. Mona

And I’ll see you all next week.