How to raise kids who are confident, resilient, and emotionally strong without controlling their every move?

Dr. Ken Ginsburg, pediatrician, adolescent medicine specialist, and author of Lighthouse Parenting, joins me to share how parents can be a stable guiding presence while still giving kids the space to learn, fail, and grow. His “lighthouse” approach is grounded in decades of science and rooted in one clear goal: to help children thrive through love, boundaries, and trust.

In this episode, we break down what every parent should know about raising confident, capable kids while building an enduring bond that lasts through adolescence and beyond.

We cover:

• How lighthouse parenting balances guidance, protection, and trust

• Why boundaries, connection, and listening are the foundation for resilience

• The 7 Cs of resilience and how to weave them into everyday life

To connect with Dr. Ken Ginsburg check out all his resources at ⁠Fosteringresilience.com⁠ and 

⁠Parentandteen.com ⁠. Follow him on Instagram at @parentandteen. Buy his Light House parenting book here: ⁠https://www.amazon.com/Lighthouse-Parenting-Raising-Guidance-Lifelong/dp/1610027191⁠ 

We’d like to know who is listening! Please fill out our ⁠Listener Survey⁠ to help us improve the show and learn about you!

00:00 – Why parenting styles swing between extremes
01:30 – Authoritative vs. Lighthouse Parenting: What’s the difference?
03:18 – Meet Dr. Ken Ginsburg: The origin of Lighthouse Parenting
06:06 – Self-care, balance, and being the steady shoreline
14:04 – Building safety, respect, and boundaries from toddler years
21:08 – Happiness vs resilience: Teaching kids to handle big feelings
28:26 – Listening, repair, and the power of real apologies
38:26 – The 7 C’s of resilience every parent should know
44:32 – Final message: Why self-care is not selfish

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00;00;00;01 – 00;00;22;24

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

This is not a new parenting style. This is not like something I invented, a word that feels nice to me. What happens is that society tends to go in extremes, right? Yeah. Someone decides that what kids need is parents who are ferocious. So they’re going to be Tiger moms, parents who are protecting them from the universe. So they’re going to be helicopter snowplow.

 

00;00;23;00 – 00;00;45;20

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

People respond to that and they go, I’ve got to do the opposite, right? I’ve got to do the opposite. So then you go to free range and you go back and forth. But, doctor Mona, this isn’t rooted in science. So what we know is that it’s the balancing act.

 

00;00;45;22 – 00;01;08;03

Dr. Mona

Welcome back to the PedsDocTalk podcast. I’m Doctor Mona, your online pediatrician and someone who feels like your mom friend. And thank you. I love you back. You are subscribing to this show, downloading episodes, and I want to remind you that that is extremely important and also sharing episodes, because that is how we have continued to stay in the top 30 parenting podcast in the United States.

 

00;01;08;11 – 00;01;30;05

Dr. Mona

I’m so appreciative and let’s keep sharing this information. Okay, so this episode, parenting styles, they’re everywhere right now. Faithful parenting, which is f around and find out, is all the rage at the time of this recording. People saying that gentle parenting is out. It’s not conscious parenting. Positive attachment. Everyone is branding themselves with a label when they’re giving parenting education.

 

00;01;30;08 – 00;01;55;14

Dr. Mona

And seriously, you could be asking yourself another parenting style, or is this one actually legit? Parents ask me all the time, what’s your parenting style? The truth is, most of the approaches that actually work fall under authoritative parenting. That means high expectations and high warmth, boundaries and love together. And that’s where I live. Because authoritative parenting has been backed by decades of science as the most effective style.

 

00;01;55;17 – 00;02;18;03

Dr. Mona

But if I had to choose a name that really feels like me, it’s lighthouse parenting. At first I said, okay, here we go again, another label. But when I dug deeper, I realized that it perfectly captured what I’ve always believed. A lighthouse is steady and protective, always shining a light but never steering the ship. It stands tall through calm waters and crashing waves, guiding without controlling.

 

00;02;18;06 – 00;02;47;22

Dr. Mona

That’s what parenting at its best looks like. It’s connection without control. Autonomy with intervention when needed. It’s letting kids struggle within safe limits, not fearing failure, and not over validating to the point of enabling. Lighthouse parenting really embodies what authoritative parenting has always been about high expectations and high warmth. Love and limits. The beacon is love. The boundaries are the shoreline, and together they give kids both the courage to venture out and the security to come home.

 

00;02;47;25 – 00;03;18;26

Dr. Mona

Its presence without smothering protection, without control and guidance that endures for a lifetime. What I love about it is that it’s a balanced approach to raising confident, resilient kids kids who feel secure enough to explore, brave enough to try and steady enough to know that they can always come back to their base. You. So today I’m talking with Doctor Kenneth Ginsburg, the pediatrician who coined the term about why lighthouse parenting resonates so deeply and how it can help us raise confident, capable kids.

 

00;03;18;28 – 00;03;29;19

Dr. Mona

This conversation was a favorite of mine, and I know you will love it too. So let’s get into it.

 

00;03;29;21 – 00;03;32;28

Dr. Mona

Thank you so much for joining me today, Doctor Ken Ginsburg.

 

00;03;32;28 – 00;03;36;16

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

Mona. Thank you. I’m excited about talking to you and your listeners.

 

00;03;36;19 – 00;03;56;01

Dr. Mona

Well, we have to do the back story because it’s really important to me on my show. So I was approached by a media outlet about an article that had gone viral about lighthouse parenting. Like, what is this new parenting lingo, right? There’s so much parenting labels. We have positive parenting, attachment parenting, gentle parenting. And I was like, okay, here’s another parenting label.

 

00;03;56;01 – 00;04;15;06

Dr. Mona

And I’m like, what is this? So I started reading about it and I was like, oh my gosh, this is amazing. And I responded to the article and I said, hey, like, I can talk about that. And I’m, I’m using what I’m learning that obviously from what I’m reading also. And then I, I shared it on my social and one of my followers was like, hey, this is actually from Doctor Ken Ginsburg.

 

00;04;15;06 – 00;04;31;27

Dr. Mona

He’s a physician. You should get him on your show. And I’m like, thank you so much. Like, I had no idea. And then I wrote a newsletter. I talked about you. I talked about this like this book, but also just the philosophy of lighthouse parenting. You are, in fact, the person who’s coined this term. Is that right?

 

00;04;32;00 – 00;04;54;07

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

Absolutely. And, you know, success almost is. You can almost define success as creating something that is so useful that people don’t know you create it. Yes. Because this just makes sense. Yeah. Talk about. And more than making sense. It is backed up by science and lots and lots of cultural experience.

 

00;04;54;13 – 00;05;08;24

Dr. Mona

So there was an amazing quote that I read, and I’m sure you’re going to be like, that was me. Let’s let’s make sure it’s an actual code. So as Doctor Ginsberg reminds us, the goal isn’t to steer the ship for our kids. It’s to be the lighthouse, a stable force on the shoreline from which they can measure themselves.

 

00;05;09;01 – 00;05;20;18

Dr. Mona

Look out for the rocks. Don’t let them crash, but trust that they’re going to learn to ride the waves. And that our job is to guide them, not control them. I mean, teary eyed saying that, but that was your quote, correct?

 

00;05;20;20 – 00;05;22;19

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

That’s a paraphrase I have, yes.

 

00;05;22;21 – 00;05;23;04

Dr. Mona

Okay.

 

00;05;23;07 – 00;05;31;04

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

Your quote, but that’s a paraphrase. Do you mind starting with the first sentence? Say the first. Yeah. And to be a go ahead.

 

00;05;31;08 – 00;05;43;14

Dr. Mona

And I love this because this is kind of embodying for anyone who’s not familiar with this term, like this parenting style, if you will, what it means. So, as Doctor Ginsburg reminds us, the goal isn’t to steer the ship for our kids. It’s to be the lighthouse.

 

00;05;43;16 – 00;06;06;04

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

Amen. And then the next line is a stable force on the shore. And I’d like to pause there for a minute, because this is actually what makes, I believe my parenting work. Set aside for most people’s parenting works. If you read virtually every book, it’s about the kids, the kids, the kids. And then the last chapter says, by the way, take care of yourself.

 

00;06;06;04 – 00;06;35;16

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

It’s good for the kids. But the point is to be a stable force on the shoreline. We want to begin by being the kind of parent, the kind of adult that young people deserve in their lives. That’s about self-care. Self-care isn’t about yoga class. It’s not about bubble baths. It’s about taking care of yourself emotionally and having a really solid foundation that allows you to not be perfect.

 

00;06;35;19 – 00;06;42;22

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

Because I’ve yet to meet a perfect person. But to be a human being who is committed to raising good humans.

 

00;06;42;25 – 00;07;10;00

Dr. Mona

I love that, I mean, already, I’m just so excited about this conversation because you’re right that so much of even in pediatric world, right? I mean, when we go into offices and I you’re you’re a pediatrician. I, I’ve changed a lot of how I practice, but a lot of it used to be child focused. And as I got into pediatrics more as a general pediatrician, I really started turning it to the parent focus, meaning what is going on in you, what is going on in your life and what’s going on with your inability to take my advice?

 

00;07;10;00 – 00;07;27;15

Dr. Mona

Right? I can talk about tantrums, I can talk about picky eating. But if I can’t get to why you’re having difficulty doing what we’re talking about, what reservations do you have? What lack of resources do you have? Are we thinking that you need to have all the time in the world for self-care? It’s not going to go anywhere, right?

 

00;07;27;15 – 00;07;30;01

Dr. Mona

We have to be that stable presence that you mentioned.

 

00;07;30;04 – 00;07;52;22

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

Hey man, you know I love young people with all my heart and soul, and I want to build a better world for them. But if I can make parents a little bit more effective, I am doing more good than I could do all day and night from talking. Yeah. What I’m trying to do, you know, look at the subtitle of the book, the subtitles about, let me not cheat.

 

00;07;52;25 – 00;08;19;17

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

Raise a child with loving guidance for an enduring bond. Yeah. And enduring bond that’s going to last for decades. But most significantly, it’s going to last during difficult times. That’s prevention. It’s best having children be raised with the kind of parents who aren’t controlling because kids right away from those parents. Right? Yeah. Who are loving and who are guiding.

 

00;08;19;19 – 00;08;30;01

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

This sets up the relationship now and the mental and emotional health of the child for decades.

 

00;08;30;04 – 00;08;38;08

Dr. Mona

Now let’s take a quick break to hear from our sponsors who support helps us keep bringing you this show.

 

00;08;38;10 – 00;09;00;10

Dr. Mona

And we’ll going back to all the different parenting labels. Right? I the reason why I scoffed a little bit when I got approached about that media hit, I was like, this is just another name, right? And I, I myself had struggled for a very long time fitting into which one makes the most sense for me. And I say that because I’m online, there’s a lot of parenting accounts online that attach themselves to something, right?

 

00;09;00;10 – 00;09;19;12

Dr. Mona

Whether it’s positive parenting, gentle parenting. And I’m like, well, I’m not exactly that, but I am this sort of I want to be able to be there for my kids, but also give them a lot of space. Let them fail, let them understand that there’s going to be frustration. And then if they need me, that I will be there to to help them.

 

00;09;19;17 – 00;09;38;03

Dr. Mona

One thing I talk about on another episode was something that I call again, this is something I coined. I’m sure it’s not very fancy. The autonomy it’s autonomy intervention model. So allow your kids to do something first, whatever age they are. And then we actually would intervene depending on their developmental level and not always is it going to be physically helping them.

 

00;09;38;03 – 00;09;54;27

Dr. Mona

Sometimes it’s walking them through. If it’s a young child and I use the example of like a puzzle, my kids are puzzle obsessed. They weren’t always puzzle obsessed. They were so frustrated. As toddlers they would throw the pieces. Did I say, okay, no, we’re not going to do that. Fine, just let go. I said, no, turn the tease.

 

00;09;54;27 – 00;10;16;12

Dr. Mona

Turn it around. Why don’t you rotate this way? And then with that patients, they finally started to do it. And the reason why I love your philosophy is that although you are writing this book for adolescents, this concept of lighthouse parenting is very applicable to younger ages as well, right? How are we going to be this sturdy presence for our children and guide them without overstepping?

 

00;10;16;12 – 00;10;23;22

Dr. Mona

Helicoptering how did you come up with the title and what made you inspired by that in terms of it has to be lighthouse, or was there a story behind that one?

 

00;10;23;24 – 00;10;47;27

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

There’s so much I want to respond to, but I want to make sure that our listeners know that lighthouse parenting is actually designed before your child is not. Yeah, we’re picking up this book when your child is three or 4 or 5, 6 or 7, because that’s when we set the stage for a successful, childhood, a adolescence that runs pretty smoothly and an enduring bond throughout life, throughout life.

 

00;10;47;29 – 00;11;08;12

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

So the first thing I have to tell you and your listeners is the good news. This is not a new parenting style. Yeah, this is not like something I invented, a word that feels nice to me. What happens is that society tends to go in extremes, right? Yeah. Someone decides that what kids need is parents who are ferocious.

 

00;11;08;19 – 00;11;27;28

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

So they’re going to be Tiger moms, parents who are protecting them from the universe. So they’re going to be helicopter or snowplow. People respond to that and they go, I’ve got to do the opposite, right? I’ve got to do the opposite. So then you go to free range and you go back and forth. But Doctor Mona, this isn’t rooted in science.

 

00;11;28;00 – 00;11;57;04

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

So what we know is that it’s the balancing act. I mean, you use the word authoritative parenting now you forget it because it’s too fancy and confusing. But it’s about balancing, balancing the love our child knows we have for them, the caring we have for them with the need to protect and prepare them. It’s this balancing act. If we are just loving like their friends, they worry about losing us and they don’t have any boundaries.

 

00;11;57;11 – 00;12;30;06

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

If we’re overprotective but they don’t know what comes from caring, they’re going to feel controlled. So it’s the balancing act. So the scientific term is balanced parenting. But then more of the question is balance what. Yeah. And the vision of the lighthouse, the vision of this stable force in the shoreline, sending its signals, protecting you against the rocks, looking at the waves and charting a path for you but not doing for you.

 

00;12;30;08 – 00;12;58;20

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

But there’s this other piece and that is that, when your child does stray, they always have a place to return to you. Your light is shining bright. So the lighthouse metaphor not only tells you the science of balancing protection with trust, being responsive, meaning flexible to meet your kids needs with the need to protect them and hold them accountable.

 

00;12;58;22 – 00;13;32;29

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

It’s all there. But it’s also this idea that I’m not doing for you. I’m showing you the way. So one other thing, Moana. So yes, this is rooted in decades, not a whim of a name. I came up with decades of science. But if you went to your great, great, great, great grandma and you said, hey, what works with parenting, she would have said something like, you know, your kid has to know you love them, but you have to let them fall down sometimes, let them get up.

 

00;13;32;29 – 00;14;04;03

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

But you don’t let them get hurt. Right? She would have said that. That’s what lighthouse parenting is. And what the book is, is taking the metaphor to the next level because it tells you what to say, what to do, what not to say, what not to do in a way that is going to make it so that the bottom line is your child sees you as loving them without condition, as committed to guidance, but not as being controlling because we don’t want them to reject us.

 

00;14;04;05 – 00;14;21;13

Dr. Mona

I love that and thank you so much for describing that yo yoing that’s been happening and I see that a lot, right? We we go into the extremes of it has to be this and it has to be this. And then you talked about the free range and the Tiger mom and all of that. And that’s exactly what I was seeing, being a young pediatrician online with two small children.

 

00;14;21;13 – 00;14;39;13

Dr. Mona

And I’m like, what is going on here? And then when I again heard the terminology, I was like, this makes sense because this isn’t tying anything down. It’s obviously tied to some science like you mentioned with the balanced parenting, but it provides some sort of value base, right? That I am. Again, it’s this I am this strong presence that’s going to guide you home.

 

00;14;39;15 – 00;14;58;12

Dr. Mona

And I guess my first question is how do we create that safety, right? I mean, obviously this is talking about safety. And we we want children to, you know, respect is something that we’re going to just expect from teens. It’s something we build early. So how can parents build that sort of safety foundation early on? When is that being started?

 

00;14;58;14 – 00;15;07;14

Dr. Mona

And where can they go so that it’s not something that just comes all of a sudden when they’re a teenager and they’re like, wait, why isn’t my kid respecting me or feeling safe to talk to me about anything?

 

00;15;07;16 – 00;15;28;16

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

Remember, used a puzzle metaphor before you talked about how much your children love puzzles? Let’s do that. Let’s pull the puzzle. Human development or child development? Learning who I am. How do you first put together a puzzle? You first put together a puzzle by putting down the borders, right? You put together a puzzle by putting the borders.

 

00;15;28;16 – 00;15;47;03

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

That’s how we begin. And those borders are about safety. They’re about safety. And you create boundaries beyond which your kid cannot stray. You didn’t let your kid put their hand on the stove. You didn’t let them run in the street. And you’re not going to let your six year old get in the car with someone who’s drinking, right?

 

00;15;47;06 – 00;16;07;19

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

That is an absolute boundary. Now, that does not make your child’s life feel controlled. It makes them feel safer because they know how far they go. What’s the next thing you’re going to do when you’re going to put together a puzzle? It’s a thousand pieces. You’re going to look at the cover on the box and you will say, what is this supposed to look like?

 

00;16;07;22 – 00;16;25;26

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

I’m going to group the Reds, but is that going to be like a balloon or a fire engine? You look at the cover of the box. That’s you, doctor Mona. That’s me. When my kids were little. Still is when my kids are almost 30. I am a role model. When I am the picture on the box, kids know where to go.

 

00;16;26;00 – 00;16;52;08

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

What’s left? All these little irregular pieces. You’re within safe boundaries. You have a vision of where to go. That’s where you let your kids make mistakes. That’s where trial and error is. So that’s point number one. Boundaries. I’m all about boundaries. I’m all about safety. Heck, I’m a doctor, right? Yeah, I know about it. But I’m also about role modeling and I’m about making mistakes.

 

00;16;52;13 – 00;17;16;23

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

But the final piece I would make is to recognize two points. One is that preparation is protection. We think doing four is protection. No. If we do four, what’s going to happen to your kid when you’re not around? Right. And I’ve been in college. And not only that, when they’re needing to be independent, they’re going to resent you.

 

00;17;16;25 – 00;17;27;03

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

But when we are guiding and we are preparing them to do for themselves, that’s protection. And can I throw one more big point at you?

 

00;17;27;06 – 00;17;28;18

Dr. Mona

Absolutely.

 

00;17;28;20 – 00;17;56;19

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

What gives you the security to make mistakes? What gives you the security to go into new territory? Because especially adolescents are natural explorers, they should be moving into new territory. What gives you the security knowing that you are unconditionally loved? Yeah. Knowing them, making a mistake will not lose your parents love. You know we love so that our children learn they are worthy of being loved.

 

00;17;56;21 – 00;18;25;28

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

And during the worst times when they’re, God forbid, being bullied or whatever, they’re going to know that the person who knows me the best, everything that’s good and right, and the ways in which I mess up chooses to love me. That is protective. To be able to stretch, to be able to withstand pressures. And you’re going to always want to be close to the person who really knows you and chooses to love you.

 

00;18;26;01 – 00;18;43;06

Dr. Mona

I love that it’s so true. And I feel that, you know, obviously becoming a parent is a very big moment of reflecting on my own childhood and how I was parented. And I always I talk about this a lot on my show and on my page about taking what works and undoing what didn’t. Right. And it doesn’t mean that all was bad.

 

00;18;43;09 – 00;18;58;05

Dr. Mona

All was good. I mean, you could have the most amazing parents, but maybe they didn’t do everything as you would have wanted. And maybe my children will grow up saying the same thing about me. And I think that’s healthy for me to be in that position and say, you know what I understand? Like, I knew what I knew was right at the time.

 

00;18;58;12 – 00;19;15;13

Dr. Mona

You have your own feelings about that. And I do believe, though, that the safety component is so valuable. And I love that you’re talking about the puzzle analogy. You’re really speaking to my heart because I’m a puzzle nerd. And thank you for doing the right order, because I was like, if he talks about not doing the borders first, we’re going to have a problem here.

 

00;19;15;15 – 00;19;33;04

Dr. Mona

But I thank you so much for talking about the boundary there. Right? I mean, this is this is your working area. This is what we’re going to do. And what I’m seeing happening with as a general pediatrician on my page and offices is that parents really struggle with boundaries setting in the early ages, right? They are afraid of their children.

 

00;19;33;04 – 00;19;58;14

Dr. Mona

And I talk about this a lot, that they’re afraid to make their kids upset. Meaning if they hold a boundary, that the fact that the kid doesn’t like the boundary and I’m talking about a young child, that it means that they failed as a parent. And I’m like, I have to get through to my followers and my my patients that I’m like, your kid doesn’t have to like every boundary, but they have to understand that you are on their team, that you are looking out for their best interests, and that this there’s a reason for these boundaries.

 

00;19;58;14 – 00;20;21;17

Dr. Mona

And with time and development, they’ll understand that. Why do you think parents have such a hard time understanding the importance of this? Right? I mean, me and you are talking I agree completely. I, I’m shocked, though, with how many parents struggle with this concept of the importance of boundaries, the importance of allowing failure and also allowing mistakes and allowing mess.

 

00;20;21;17 – 00;20;41;19

Dr. Mona

All of that. Like what is it that you feel is that sort of barrier for so many parents and especially maybe parents of young children or maybe even parents of of older children and teenagers? Now let’s take a quick break to hear from our sponsors who support helps us keep bringing you this show. Oh.

 

00;20;41;21 – 00;21;08;05

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

It’s all ages. Mona. Yeah, I’m going to wax philosophical for a minute. Yeah. We live in a society where we define mental health as being happy. Yeah. We want our kids to like us. So many of us were raised by parents who were very strict and who didn’t prioritize us liking the very much. And, what happens is we get really uncomfortable with discomfort.

 

00;21;08;11 – 00;21;31;13

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

Yes. But Mona, that makes your children uncomfortable with discomfort, resilience. And remember, my first really out there book is Building Resilience in Children and Teens, which is still out there in its fourth edition. And resilience is about being able to bounce when times are tough. It’s about being able to thrive. And so let’s deal with the happiness piece first.

 

00;21;31;14 – 00;21;56;18

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

Yeah. Do I want my children to be happy? Of course I do. But happiness isn’t about smiling all the time. It’s not about having a chocolate chip cookie, though. That’s sweet. Yeah, it’s about having relationships and being able to deal with life as it comes. And if we prioritize too much happiness, then what happens is our children and think that they’re not healthy.

 

00;21;56;18 – 00;22;24;04

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

If they’re not, then we begin getting anxious with their feelings. Children should be sad in a sad situation, confused in a confusing situation, angry in an angry situation. And the best thing we can do to raise healthy children is to accept their emotions as they are and make sure that they have healthy ways to cope with those feelings.

 

00;22;24;07 – 00;22;49;15

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

Mental health is not about what you feel, it’s about what you do with your feelings. .1.2 and I really hope that if your parents haven’t heard anything that I’m going to say, they’re going to listen really hard in the next minute, because remember, in the beginning I said to you as a pediatrician who’s an adolescent, doc, I’m about wanting your kid to come to you when they need you the most.

 

00;22;49;17 – 00;23;22;05

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

So when we are our children’s friends, when we are likable, I mean, don’t get me wrong, I want my children to like me, right? But when we are primarily our children’s friends, they fear losing us all the time, right? And we are better than friends. We are parents. Our presence is unwavering, like the lighthouse. All right. We will be there as guiding them and always telling them the safe path like the lighthouse.

 

00;23;22;07 – 00;23;38;08

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

But why do I not want to be your friend? Because during adolescence, there isn’t a single teenager who hasn’t said to their parents at some point in their life, why can’t you be cool? Just like my friends, they like me. They know me. Yeah. And. And you’re just trying to, like, ruin my life.

 

00;23;38;08 – 00;23;40;02

Dr. Mona

I wish sounds familiar. Like dad.

 

00;23;40;02 – 00;24;02;22

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

Yeah, maybe I said that. I don’t know, but the point is the same child. Yeah. Who cares? So who wishes that their parents were like their friends, in truth, lives in fear of losing their friends? Peer pressure is they do what it takes to not lose their friends. And they live in constant fear of losing their friends.

 

00;24;02;24 – 00;24;33;05

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

So if you are prioritizing happiness, I want you to know there’s a possibility your child will be anxious with the real emotions they have. Having them deal. Learn how to deal with challenges makes them happy and deal with life regardless. And if you are your child’s friend, they’re going to love you in the moment. Who doesn’t want a friendly parent, but they’re going to fear losing you when you are better than a friend you love unconditionally.

 

00;24;33;07 – 00;24;40;03

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

You’re not going anywhere. You care deeply. That gives them a security that no friend can give.

 

00;24;40;05 – 00;24;56;18

Dr. Mona

I love that, and I love how you explain that, because I think, you know, there are often conversations around that and people are like, wait, what? I want to be my kid’s friend. Like, that’s the point of this. And I’m like, thank you so much for using that example of like, development and how obviously there is a fear of losing friendships, but we are never going anywhere.

 

00;24;56;21 – 00;25;21;24

Dr. Mona

And I see this often, you know, this unconditional or conditional love. Right? And it starts so small. It may be that parent who’s like, well, you didn’t do that. And that made me unhappy. Or using a child’s feelings or blaming a child for your own lack of self emotional self-regulation. Right? I mean, I’m sure you see that. Are there other things that are being done in childhood early on that you think is harmful for creating healthy emotional resilience?

 

00;25;21;24 – 00;25;26;10

Dr. Mona

You know, in these children, that may come from parenting or other things that you’ve seen.

 

00;25;26;13 – 00;25;34;28

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

So before I say this, let me be clear. There are very few villains in parenting. Yeah, absolutely. Zero of them are listening to the stock talk.

 

00;25;34;29 – 00;25;37;03

Dr. Mona

Yes, you’re right, we have a good crew here.

 

00;25;37;05 – 00;25;57;05

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

Yeah, every single one of the people. Yeah, us right now is striving to be a good parent. And nor is there the perfect parent. You can write ten parenting books and you can raise your kids and you can still make a mistake. My girls are almost 30, and one of them who is a, clinical social worker occasionally in the last few months says to me, are you being a lighthouse now?

 

00;25;57;07 – 00;26;24;08

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

Good. Oh, so we are all we are all imperfect. But what has happened is that there is a higher stakes, it seems, to parenting. And we are just in one of those pendulum swings where the people parenting now are. Both were very worried about our children’s success, and therefore we want to control them, to shape them perfectly.

 

00;26;24;10 – 00;26;50;00

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

And because so many of us had parents who were not necessarily prioritizing kindness. Yeah. I had one of the, we tend to go with equal and opposite. Mona. This is what I meant by the pendulum swing. I don’t want us to be react to in our parenting. I want us to do what works. But we have we have an uncertain time in the world.

 

00;26;50;00 – 00;27;15;21

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

If I might say that we have a confusing time in the world, whether it’s about what’s going to happen to the future job market, whether it’s about messages in the universe that are not always pleasant, right? We have an uncertain world, and we try to protect our kids and shield our kids. And what we do want to create peace in our homes as a central tenet to the way we exist.

 

00;27;15;23 – 00;27;28;06

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

We also want to create children who can manage complexity, uncertainty, and uncomfortable feelings. And if they get the message that they’re not supposed to, they become anxious. Okay, throw one more word to you.

 

00;27;28;10 – 00;27;29;09

Dr. Mona

Yeah.

 

00;27;29;11 – 00;27;58;13

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

The D word. Right. If I go and do a school audience and if I have, kids in the audience, I have this slide that goes the D word, and the kids just go, I know exactly where to do just that. Parents now are never angry. They’re disappointed. Yeah. And and it’s making parents kids really really anxious because they don’t want to lose their friends.

 

00;27;58;19 – 00;28;05;11

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

They love how friendly their parents are but they don’t want to lose them. And the thought of disappointing them as terrified.

 

00;28;05;14 – 00;28;26;02

Dr. Mona

Oh I love it. The big D I was like, yeah, I’m so disappointed in you. And again, putting that on like the child of like how we’re responding to things I think is so it’s such a valid point and you’ve I think you’ve talked about listening, you know obviously communication skills and I, I have talked about this also on how important it is to listen to our kids, even when they’re small.

 

00;28;26;07 – 00;28;38;12

Dr. Mona

You know, parents have a hard time listening. We’re missing the moment. What makes listening to our kids so difficult? And what shifts can parents make to become truly present and effective listeners to our children?

 

00;28;38;17 – 00;28;42;24

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

Yeah. So, Mona, I used to teach nursery school, so I’m an adolescent. Oh, I.

 

00;28;42;24 – 00;28;44;07

Dr. Mona

Had no idea you did. Wow.

 

00;28;44;08 – 00;29;03;24

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

Yeah, I’m a child development major. I’m one of those people. Yeah, and that actually was a child development major reason, I will tell you that, if I was working with a three year old or a 17 year old, they’re still the experts in their own life. Yeah. And if you say to a three year old, let me do that for you, what’s the answer?

 

00;29;03;29 – 00;29;06;14

Dr. Mona

No, no, I do, I yeah.

 

00;29;06;16 – 00;29;31;22

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

Yeah. So, the reason we want to listen is because we want to be effective. Yeah. And we have to treat child children of every age as the experts in their own life. Now, some of your parents are listening and going, say what? It’s just a four year old. So let’s be clear. You’ve got the wisdom. You’ve got the intelligence.

 

00;29;31;24 – 00;30;01;25

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

You’ve got the parenting skills. I don’t expect your kid to have any of that. But what you don’t know is the direct shoes that your child walks in. Yeah. And any guidance you offer is going to be put into place in that child’s real life, whether it’s nursery school, kindergarten or college. So if you don’t join with a child, by partnering your guidance with their realities, your guidance doesn’t sit well.

 

00;30;02;02 – 00;30;22;17

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

It makes sense, but you’ll have no opportunity to actually practice and game out what it looks like in the real world. You can only get that through listening. And one other point I think we have not to make your listeners jealous, but we have the coolest job in the universe, right? We do. We’re talking to the 11 year old.

 

00;30;22;17 – 00;30;46;15

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

Yeah, get it to a five year old, one minute to an 18 year old. And if we’re good doctors, which means for people don’t know that to teach, right? Yeah. You need to teach. And if we’re good doctors, it means that our patients understand every word that we say. If we are good parents, it means that our guidance is understood and able to be applied in our children’s real life.

 

00;30;46;18 – 00;31;18;26

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

That means you have to tailor your guidance to what your child already understands, and how stressed they are and how they’re interpreting what you say. And if you talk without listening, you might be missing the boat for where your child’s at. You have to listen to first know this is what my child understands. This is how my child is interpreting this situation, and this is how I have to speak to them to be effective.

 

00;31;18;28 – 00;31;50;03

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

And parenting is a blast, because that’s how you get to celebrate your child’s development through, like, I can’t believe she understands this. Yeah. No idea. So you listen so that you know where your child is at. You listen so you know what? The, what their lives they navigate and you listen to be a sounding board, because if you want your guidance to pay off, have it come out of your children’s mouth.

 

00;31;50;06 – 00;31;57;06

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

Yeah. Have your children come up with the ideas and you shape it. That’s guidance that steps.

 

00;31;57;09 – 00;32;12;03

Dr. Mona

Absolutely. I love that. And it’s like making it there almost obviously feels like it’s their idea, which it absolutely can be within your boundaries. So parents who are listening that well my four year old can’t do X, Y and Z. They can’t eat this. And I don’t care that they feel they want to have chocolate. We can’t do that.

 

00;32;12;06 – 00;32;30;19

Dr. Mona

You are creating this value system that again speaks speaks to what you speak. And going back to what you mentioned about modeling, right? You’re not only modeling self-care, you’re modeling just the values you want in a child, right? That there’s trust, there’s communication, there’s respect for each other. I think, you know, we talk we’ve been we’ve alluded to a lot of this sort of generational parenting.

 

00;32;30;19 – 00;32;52;06

Dr. Mona

And one thing that I did not get was respect from my parents. What I mean is, I grew up in a very, a model that was like, you respect your elders, you don’t talk back, you don’t say anything. If the elders says something, that’s what goes. And that was not healthy. I mean, absolutely, I grew up with this very inability to speak my mind, an inability to, you know, share my feelings.

 

00;32;52;12 – 00;33;11;24

Dr. Mona

And now it’s this sort of balanced perspective of like, hey, I want to hear how you’re doing. And a story that came up when you said that was, I have a five and a half year old, and I was very stressed with a lot of things going on, and I wasn’t listening to him. And I’m being very transparent here that the listening ability was through the through the window for me.

 

00;33;11;26 – 00;33;27;16

Dr. Mona

And he was acting out more. Right? He was getting angry, very rude. And I easily could have been like, Brian, like, why are you being rude? And I got curious. I’m like, this is not like him. And then we had a whole conversation that night and it came out that he was like, because he had said some mean things to me.

 

00;33;27;16 – 00;33;49;27

Dr. Mona

And I said, Ryan, you know when you said that you don’t like mommy time, that kind of hurt my feelings, right? And he said, mommy, it hurts my feelings when you don’t listen to me. And I said, whoa. And I said, thank you. And I felt like I felt really proud of my parenting at that moment because for my son to be five and a half and feel so secure to share with me that I wasn’t listening to him, and he felt frustrated.

 

00;33;50;02 – 00;34;08;02

Dr. Mona

And I said, thank you so much, sweetie, for telling me. I didn’t know that. And I will do better at listening to you. And I’ll also do better at not yelling because I yelled at day two. And he’s he didn’t like that. And I’m like, but you told me. And to me that was that lighthouse moment, right? That moment of like, I’m teaching this kid about emotional intelligence.

 

00;34;08;02 – 00;34;28;23

Dr. Mona

I’m teaching him what doesn’t feel good in his body. Like he didn’t like that I yelled or that I wasn’t listening, because I also didn’t like that when I was a kid. But I never was able to tell my parent that because I never had the safety to do so. And yet he felt safe in that moment. Although mommy yelled and although mommy wasn’t listening to say, hey, you weren’t listening to me, and I didn’t like what, I didn’t like that.

 

00;34;28;23 – 00;34;47;00

Dr. Mona

And I’m like, wow. And that’s just your example of like, you know, your philosophy and this, this, this, you know, lighthouse parenting. It feels like that when I have those moments, it feels like I’m that I make mistakes, like you said, right? Every one of my listeners makes mistakes, and I. I’m happy that you’re speaking to this group that is in it for development.

 

00;34;47;00 – 00;35;02;18

Dr. Mona

We want to do better, but we also will make those mistakes. But part of being a lighthouse parent is saying, I want to model those mistakes for my kid, right? I want to model that, hey, I yelled or I did this and it didn’t feel good to you, and I’m not going to shame you and say, well, you need to get over it.

 

00;35;02;18 – 00;35;18;15

Dr. Mona

I’m going to say and listen and say, I’m sorry that that hurt you. I could imagine how that felt in your body that mommy yelled at you and love that example. So thank you. And I had to share that story because it really just ties in and drives that home from a personal example, from having a small kid right now.

 

00;35;18;17 – 00;36;00;10

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

Can we keep talking about that example because it was perfect, right? It was. So remember, like I talked about, why do we love so that kids learn that there were they’re being loved. Why do we listen? So humans learn that they should be heard. That has lifelong implications. Right. And what and what do you know as a doctor, you know that if a you’re going into a room and a parent is upset and ready to yell, you know that the best way of getting them to stop feeling the need to yell is to listen.

 

00;36;00;14 – 00;36;23;29

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

Yeah, yelling is just a way of saying something is making me uncomfortable. And when we listen to allow a human to tell us what is making them uncomfortable, they feel heard. But there’s something else you did Moana, which is you apologized and and to apologize to a five and a half year old, I would apologize to an 18 month old.

 

00;36;24;02 – 00;36;52;23

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

You real apology. You did it perfect. And I’d like to take the structure of what you did to make sure that your listeners heard all three parts. The first thing was a sincere apology, like, I’m really sorry about this. The second thing is to state how you know it hurt the person, right? In your case, you said, I know that made your body feel uncomfortable and that wasn’t, good for you.

 

00;36;52;25 – 00;37;28;03

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

The third piece is to say, this is how I’m going to get better moving forward. I’m sorry. This is what I know it did for you. This is my personal improvement plan. Talk about modeling. Yeah, talk about modeling. And when we. That’s what respect is. Right? To let a human being know that I am the parent. I am in charge of your well-being and to keep you safe, but also valuing you as a thinking, feeling, growing human.

 

00;37;28;05 – 00;37;33;25

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

And I’m going to make mistakes and we’re going to grow together. This is gorgeous.

 

00;37;33;27 – 00;37;52;10

Dr. Mona

I look thank you. I love that you mom. You, broke that down the three the three steps because it is such an important part of parenting. And I think we often focus, especially for a lot of my listeners who may have smaller kids. We focus so much on the moment of a meltdown of dysregulation, we forget how, to me, I value those moments outside even more.

 

00;37;52;11 – 00;38;09;23

Dr. Mona

Right? What are we doing when we’re repairing? What are we doing when the dust has settled? Because you can’t teach during dysregulation. I think a lot of my followers forget that until we we remind them that it needs to come from a place of sincerity and repairing. I got the repairs from a father who it was not legit repairs.

 

00;38;09;24 – 00;38;26;13

Dr. Mona

It was a hey, can we just make up and move on? And I’m like, and I grew up not realizing it until I had my own children, that that’s not what I wanted to do. And you’re always capable of change. And I love that. I wanted to I do want to go over your seven pillars. I think these are seven pillars that help kids thrive through adversity.

 

00;38;26;13 – 00;38;43;15

Dr. Mona

And can you walk us through the seven seas of resilience? How parents can foster each and every day life. Now, let’s take a quick break to hear from our sponsors who support helps us keep bringing you this show.

 

00;38;43;18 – 00;39;06;28

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

Absolutely. So I have three active books that are all out from the American Academy of Pediatrics, and I’m not saying that to sell books. I’m saying that so you know how the different ones are shaped. So the seven seas are mentioned in all the books in the book Building Resilience in Children and Teens set out with the Seven Seas and gives you a deep dive into each of them.

 

00;39;07;00 – 00;39;28;06

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

So the first sea you need is confidence, right? Because you’re only going to be able to thrive in a difficult circumstance if you believe in yourself, if you believe in your ability to stretch, to make a mistake, to recover. But where do you get confidence from? We made the mistake of thinking that it was just about praise. You’re so special.

 

00;39;28;06 – 00;40;02;23

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

You’re special as a butterfly, as unique as a snowflake. It’s like that and that actually doesn’t build confidence. It makes kids anxious because they fear failure. What builds confidence is a sense of competence that someone is recognizing. You’re developing skill sets, recognizing what you need to continue to develop and helping you build them. So confidence comes from competence is the thing you and I have talked about all day.

 

00;40;03;00 – 00;40;29;02

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

And the most important thing is human connection. We feel safe when we are connected with other people. Yeah, the next see is character having an understanding of what is right and wrong and choosing to do the right thing. Even if no one was watching. Yeah, right. And now let’s move into coping. You’re going to, we talked about what mental health is.

 

00;40;29;02 – 00;40;54;27

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

It’s not what you feel. It’s what do you do with those feelings. And that’s what we’re coping comes in. And then the final piece we’ve been talking about this for the hour. If you think about it, Mona is control. Either I believe that I control my destiny and that the choices I make are meaningful or I believe that I’m controlled by someone else.

 

00;40;54;29 – 00;41;19;28

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

Yeah, when someone guides me, they build my sense of control. When someone punishes me or controls me, they make me feel powerless. So again, I have the confidence to be able to overcome challenges. I have this skill sets. Excuse me, I have the skill sets or competencies. I have the human connection that makes me feel safe to make mistakes.

 

00;41;20;00 – 00;41;53;07

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

I have the character values to want to do the right thing. I have the coping abilities to choose to do the right thing, which all of which gives me a sense of control, knowing that I can make a difference. You put all of this together and now you get your linchpin contribution. Now you’re ready to to contribute to the rest of the world, to have a sense of belonging, to build your community, to shape your family, to work towards justice and higher moral callings.

 

00;41;53;11 – 00;41;59;04

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

You have all of this when the first six ingredients are there.

 

00;41;59;06 – 00;42;17;02

Dr. Mona

I’m like doing like I wish I would stand up, but then I go off frame. I love this, I, I knew I would like I, I kind of joked that I was fangirling because of the story of how this sort of came together, this conversation. But hearing you say it, hearing how you frame it, obviously, who doesn’t love acronyms or like seven C’s?

 

00;42;17;02 – 00;42;33;09

Dr. Mona

It just really helps us conceptualize and remember it is as busy parents and as busy humans. I it makes so much sense. And like you said from the beginning, all of this just makes sense, right? None of this is outlandish. You talked about if you were to talk to grandma who said, yeah, you have to let them fall a little bit, you got to help them.

 

00;42;33;09 – 00;42;51;13

Dr. Mona

You got to let them be. You don’t want to meddle too much. Exactly what this is. And I want to just thank you so much for bringing this to my listeners, bringing it into this world, because it is it needed to kind of be in a book. I know you’re not trying to sell books, and I really appreciate that, but I think when there’s good resources out there, we should share it with the world.

 

00;42;51;13 – 00;43;01;07

Dr. Mona

And so please tell our listeners where they can go to get the book. Also, just stay connected with the work that you do. And anything else you want our listeners to know about staying connected?

 

00;43;01;10 – 00;43;37;04

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

I will, but first I have to throw the gratitude back at you. Doctor Mona was to have a pediatrician out there who’s palpably caring and who’s a master communicator. Really teaching the power of love and connection to our children is so valuable. And so I want to thank you. Thank you. So two things. One way to get to all of my resources and all of the books that I’ve made is Fostering resilience.com Fostering resilience.com.

 

00;43;37;07 – 00;44;09;17

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

But there’s also a completely free resource every where. You don’t have to buy anything. And there are many, many videos. There’s so many written pieces about how to build on the strength of your adolescence. And that’s through the center for Parent and Teen Communication, and that’s parenting and teen.com. So you want the books. And I hope that you understand that books still give a palpable deep dive that videos can’t.

 

00;44;09;20 – 00;44;20;24

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

But then you go to fostering resilience.com. You want just to be able to try out some ideas and see what other experts say. Then go to parent and Time.com.

 

00;44;20;26 – 00;44;32;21

Dr. Mona

I will be linking all of these to our show notes. But my final question for Doctor Ginsburg, although he had many pearls, is what would be your final uplifting message for everyone tuning in today?

 

00;44;32;23 – 00;44;53;19

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

I think it might be where I began. You know, I made the point that I hate doing the self-care thing at the end. I like to point it out in the beginning, but let’s let’s bookmark this. Yeah. If you want your child to be okay, be a human. Don’t try for perfection. Such a human doesn’t exist. Be a human and grow and take care of yourself.

 

00;44;53;25 – 00;45;15;25

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

Show them that you have the bandwidth to support them, and the way you show them that you have the bandwidth is by taking care of yourself. When you’re not stressed, when you are stressed, not pretending you’re not. Yeah, not pretending life is easy, but showing them that you will always make room for them through self-care. Talking, praying, exercise.

 

00;45;16;02 – 00;45;30;13

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

But you’ll always take care of yourself. And if I had to give you a phrase, the phrase would be self-care is anything but selfish. It’s a strategic act of effective parenting.

 

00;45;30;15 – 00;45;50;24

Dr. Mona

I love that I, you inspired me and I’m sure you inspired all the listeners today. I am motivated and the reason why I love having guests like you on my show is that, as you said, and thank you so much for the kind words you said back to me. I really appreciate that. But my show and my platform is all about loving kids more, but also loving this journey more that we do as parents.

 

00;45;50;24 – 00;46;14;28

Dr. Mona

I think we get so bogged down that this is a horrible, stressful experience and I’m not denying that parenting is a very hard rule that we do like. It’s very hard, but even through the hard when we look at those developmental moments, right. You mentioned like looking at your, you know, your four year old doing x, Y or Z or having that sort of even just little glimmers that come up and saying, I am doing a fantastic job and I am human, and that I am not going to be perfect.

 

00;46;14;28 – 00;46;34;24

Dr. Mona

This is what our generation really needs. And I think personally, being in this generation of parenting, why a lot of my peers struggle. And so to hear it from you, I love it. I think this is so needed. And I just want to thank you. And I know this is not the last time that will be connecting, on my special, my podcast, because I just really love the information that you’re sharing with the world.

 

00;46;34;24 – 00;46;36;12

Dr. Mona

So thank you for all that you do.

 

00;46;36;14 – 00;46;42;12

Dr. Ken Ginsburg

It is it was a blessing to do this work and a privilege to be on your show. And I can’t wait till the next podcast I love talking.

 

00;46;42;12 – 00;47;03;07

Dr. Mona

Yes, yes, we’re going to have great conversations. I mean, whether you have another book or not. I know we could have done this episode for like three times as long. But but I, you know, obviously I do keep my episode shorter for my parents, but really appreciate it. Thank you so much for listening to today’s episode. Remember, I’m not trying to hook you on a single style.

 

00;47;03;14 – 00;47;29;01

Dr. Mona

Whether you call yourself gentle, positive, conscious, attachment, or lighthouse, it really all comes back to love and limits or authoritative parenting. That balance is what kids need the most. Now, if you enjoyed this episode, here’s how you can support the show. Subscribe so you don’t miss future conversations. Download your favorite episodes. This simple action is what actually helps the podcast reach more parents like you.

 

00;47;29;03 – 00;47;47;12

Dr. Mona

And finally, join the conversation on social media. Comment on our latest post about this episode at PedsDocTalk, or at the PedsDocTalk podcast, and share this episode in your stories, tagging us. Thank you again for being here and for being a part of this growing community. Until next week, keeping that lighthouse for your kids.