Dealing with a whiny child can be challenging, often leading parents to feel overwhelmed. I emphasize that whining is developmentally normal and a sign that your child is still learning how to communicate their emotions. Instead of giving in to the whining, which reinforces the behavior, I encourage parents to adopt strategies to encourage better communication.

 

Today I’ll discuss:

• How to recognize and understand your child’s triggers
• The need to stay calm and to remind yourself that this is a moment that can be navigated without escalating
• Tips to promote preferred communication
• The importance of consistency

 

Our podcasts are also now on YouTube. If you prefer a video podcast with closed captioning, check us out there and subscribe to PedsDocTalk TV.

 

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on the PedsDocTalk Podcast Sponsorships page of the website.

00;00;00;04 – 00;00;20;29
Dr. Mona
Welcome to the show. I’m your host, Doctor Mona, and I’m really excited to get back to solo episodes here on the podcast. A little backstory I used to have parents come on the show, and we would discuss parenting situations, and as much as I loved it, it became hard to schedule our guests. And so I thought, how can I continue to have your concerns heard but manage it with my schedule?

00;00;21;04 – 00;00;42;08
Dr. Mona
So introducing solo episodes where you all can submit questions and scenarios. Today’s episode is all about whining and oh, I’m in it right now and it can be a doozy. And so I shared a form on my Instagram Stories asking you all to give me specific scenarios where your child whined and how you handled it. And I will be addressing some of those scenarios throughout the episode today.

00;00;42;11 – 00;01;08;00
Dr. Mona
If you like the style of the episode or learned something new today, make sure to leave a review and share this episode. I cannot stress this enough. Sharing it really is caring when it comes to growing the show, so I can continue to bring you free content on my own or with my amazing guests. I’m actually in New York right now with a brand shooting an in-person podcast with Olympian and mom Shawn Johnson, and I cannot wait to get our conversation out there soon on our podcast and YouTube channel.

00;01;08;00 – 00;01;28;29
Dr. Mona
So make sure to subscribe to the PedsDocTalk podcast and our YouTube channel so you don’t miss a beat. So we’re talking about winning today, and trust me, I’ve been there with a whining kid and it can make you want to whine right along with them. Whining is tough to listen to, but guess what? It’s completely common for children, but just because it’s normal doesn’t mean you have to just sit through it.

00;01;29;02 – 00;01;48;19
Dr. Mona
What if I told you there are ways to curb that whining while still encouraging your child to express how they feel? In this episode, I’ll dive into why kids whine and most importantly, share actionable tips to help you handle those ear piercing moments. Plus, like I mentioned, I’ll answer real life scenarios from the community where you’ll get advice on managing whining when you’re at your wit’s end.

00;01;48;22 – 00;01;55;13
Dr. Mona
Make sure to stick around until the end for me to chat about consequences with whining, which I recently had to do with our son.

00;01;55;16 – 00;02;22;24
Dr. Mona
But before we get into that, it’s important to understand why whining happens. I strongly believe that when parents and caregivers understand the why behind child development, they can better approach these situations with calm. First off, what is whining? Well, it’s that long, high pitched speaking voice. I don’t want to do that. Stop! I want a cookie when they can say, hey, can I have a cookie?

00;02;22;26 – 00;02;45;18
Dr. Mona
It can be extra frustrating for the parent of a child who’s fully speaking and reverts back to a whining voice when they want something. Whining usually happens because your child wants something, they don’t want to do something or they’re annoyed, frustrated, etc. and it’s how they regulate or communicate. I describe it as a more sophisticated tantrum. They want to be seen for their feelings and it’s how they’re showing their feelings.

00;02;45;20 – 00;03;03;18
Dr. Mona
These are usually kicked out of the full blown tantrum stage or on the tail end of it. Fine. If you have whining and tantrums at the same time, right? And they have more emotional awareness and communication skills, but they are trying to test out new ways to communicate. Cue the whining. Just like adults might use words to explain their emotions.

00;03;03;19 – 00;03;24;27
Dr. Mona
Kids sometimes whine because they don’t have all the words or communication strategies to express their feelings. Like a tantrum, they are trying to communicate a feeling. And unfortunately, it’s coming out as that high pitched whine because they’re trying to figure out different ways to communicate their feelings. And our goal as caregivers is to turn this into preferred communication behaviors and not enable the whining.

00;03;24;29 – 00;03;51;23
Dr. Mona
The more we give in to the whining, the more we communicate to them that whining is how we get things and effective communication isn’t necessary. Remember that the feeling is okay. Being frustrated disappointed, upset. But the behavior whining is not okay. Helping kids learn how to express their feelings in other ways can reduce whining over time, encouraging them to use preferred communication strategies and teaching them to recognize and share their emotions can make a big difference, but it can be triggering.

00;03;51;28 – 00;04;18;11
Dr. Mona
Whether you have emotional space for your child’s whining or not. That high pitched sound is almost like a cry or nails on a chalkboard, and it can make your brain feel frustrated and overwhelmed, making you more likely to get upset and yell, get frustrated, or even cry. But you’re here, and you know you can approach this differently to actually curb the whining, but you have to catch yourself and your trigger to better be able to approach these whining episodes.

00;04;18;13 – 00;04;40;24
Dr. Mona
Here are things to do when approaching a whining situation. First, recognize the rise. Whining gets out of you. I’ve been there. Like I mentioned, it can be so frustrating. But the more you practice these strategies, the more you’re going to be able to curb the whining and raise emotionally aware kids who can communicate effectively versus using whining as a communication strategy or to get your attention.

00;04;40;27 – 00;04;58;27
Dr. Mona
Remember, if they whine and you yell or give them what they want from the whining, this reinforces the whining and it will be a cycle where we’re not curbing the whining. So if you want the wanting to reduce or stop, you have to approach it with strength and understanding that your reaction matters here. Second, remind yourself that there is not a threat.

00;04;59;00 – 00;05;20;27
Dr. Mona
When our kids are whining or crying, it can cause a visceral reaction where our stomach gets upset. Our heart starts to race and we may fight, flight or freeze. Tell yourself in that moment I’m safe. My child is safe. This is only a moment. I’m capable of getting through this more mantras are available on my free handle on my website called Mindful Tantrum Tips.

00;05;21;00 – 00;05;43;22
Dr. Mona
Third, remember, consistency is key. You will likely scream. Sometimes you may give them what they’re whining for, but this should be the rare exception and not the rule. To see behaviors change in kids, we need to be consistent. When you feel it’s not going to work, remember parenting is a long term game. These strategies will not always work right away, but in the long run, you’re going to see behavior shifts due to repetition and consistency.

00;05;43;24 – 00;06;05;07
Dr. Mona
Fourth, understanding patterns of whining may help. Does your child consistently whine after being picked up from daycare or school? This could be a restraint collapse where they were listening all day to their teacher, and just want to let it all go with the person they love the most. You know, they could want connection from you, or they’re feeling overwhelmed from listening all day at preschool or school.

00;06;05;10 – 00;06;27;06
Dr. Mona
Or they could be hungry. Whatever the need is, make sure we regulate first. For example, if they’re hungry, regulate with them, or allow space and be quiet. If your child’s temperament needs that and then offer the snack or food. When calm and regulated. Fifth, be consistent with your responses. If you respond to whining with attention or reward, it reinforces the behavior.

00;06;27;08 – 00;06;46;13
Dr. Mona
Instead, you should wait until the child communicates in a more acceptable way. Sixth, curb the whining with positive words. If your child isn’t completely dysregulated during the whining episode, say one of the following. I hear you want to tell me something. Can you tell me in a different way? I see you want to tell me something. I’m listening.

00;06;46;13 – 00;07;06;13
Dr. Mona
But I can’t understand you when you use that voice. Can you find a different voice? I know you are. Insert emotion here and want to tell me something? Can you use a strong voice to tell me the key to having these phrases? Work involves the following. If they’re completely dysregulated, their brain will not be registering what you’re saying.

00;07;06;15 – 00;07;25;16
Dr. Mona
In this case, say the phrase once and stay quiet and calm and hold space for their emotions is a big deal. Similar to a tantrum, you can say your phrase, I see you want to tell me something. I’m listening, but I can’t understand. Can you find a different voice to tell me and stay quiet? Offer coagulation or stay nearby and check in.

00;07;25;19 – 00;07;44;22
Dr. Mona
It’s also important to stay regulated during the whining if you slip into dysregulation yourself. You’re mirroring exactly what they’re doing. And in order to curb our child’s behaviors, we have to embody behaviors we want them to do. So yelling, screaming, telling them to stop it or stop whining won’t help them learn the communication strategies and regulation you’re looking for.

00;07;44;24 – 00;07;55;17
Dr. Mona
And if you find yourself starting to escalate, regulate by doing this. Breathe in twice quickly and exhale.

00;07;55;20 – 00;08;12;15
Dr. Mona
This can really regulate when you’re feeling anxious, when your child is whining. If you see the above mentioned phrases and they are still whining and going to a meltdown, we are in full blown dysregulation mode and verbalize. Once I see you’re frustrated, take your time. I’m here if you need me, but if you need a moment, you can have that too.

00;08;12;17 – 00;08;30;03
Dr. Mona
You can put your arms out for a hug and let them decide what they need. If they don’t want the hug, you can remain in the room and check in with them as needed. When you do say these phrases, don’t forget delivery, tone, and body language. One of the biggest things parents forget is that it often is not what you say, but how you say it.

00;08;30;06 – 00;08;52;28
Dr. Mona
Example I hear you want to tell me something. Can you just find a different way? Comes off angry and antagonistic versus I hear you want to tell me something. Can you tell me in a different way? Comes off regulated and matter of fact. Watch your tone and delivery. With these, you may need to make eye contact or put a hand on their shoulder, because delivering these while distracted won’t be as powerful.

00;08;53;01 – 00;09;18;22
Dr. Mona
When your child does change the way they ask for something, for example, they were hungry and wanted a snack and they use that strong phrase or word I want a snack versus I want a snack. You need to positive reinforce the preferred communication. Well, I really love the way you said that. Thank you. I really appreciate it. Not doing this is the biggest mistake because part of curbing behaviors is driving attention to preferred behaviors and communication.

00;09;18;24 – 00;09;41;12
Dr. Mona
So always positive reinforce the communication you want them to do to build that muscle. Because child behavior goes where parental attention goes. Remember that changed voice or saying it in a preferred way doesn’t mean that they will get what they were whining for. We are teaching them preferred communication, but don’t forget the boundary example. If they wanted to watch TV but it wasn’t time to watch TV.

00;09;41;15 – 00;10;01;15
Dr. Mona
Ask them to state what they want in a different way. When they do think them and empathize with them. Thank you so much for asking in your strong voice. It’s not time for TV, but we can watch an insert when it will be time or redirect to another activity. Remember that stop whining is ineffective and is the equivalent of saying stop crying or don’t cry.

00;10;01;17 – 00;10;19;24
Dr. Mona
Yes, it can be difficult, but they’re trying to tell you something. So to curb this behavior and connect, we want to redirect them to speak in a way that is something we can understand. Even if you can understand their whining. Utilize this phrasing is important to curb the whining. So we can get them to communicate in the way we want them to.

00;10;19;28 – 00;10;43;05
Dr. Mona
Now let’s take a break to hear from our sponsors. When it comes to ignoring the whining as a strategy, I would go with the above mentioned strategies first. Staying quiet is a huge strategy. I love if they’re completely dysregulated in our words or adding more speculation, but that doesn’t mean that you’re ignoring them or dismissing them. It means we’re giving them space, and when they’re regulated, we can debrief at a later time.

00;10;43;08 – 00;11;02;29
Dr. Mona
Now let’s get into some submitted questions and scenarios. Remember to follow me at Pete’s Dog Talk on Instagram and subscribe to my newsletter, as I’ll be putting up forums to allow this community to submit questions for various parenting topics that I answer on the podcast. Casey wrote in about her two and a half year old. Our son has gone through a huge phase where he wins for what feels like everything.

00;11;02;29 – 00;11;18;19
Dr. Mona
I’ve read some stuff online, which has allowed me to understand that the whining may be a way of him asking for more attention or wanting to be seen. His sister is five months old, so I acknowledge that it’s been a transition for him. I always get curious first and try to address any feelings he has, thinking that might get to the root and help the whining.

00;11;18;22 – 00;11;36;00
Dr. Mona
This sometimes works temporarily. Maybe what I need to do is address the problem in that moment. Sometimes we say, please don’t whine, just use your words to ask Mommy and Daddy want to help, but is that wrong? Is whining generally because the child needs more connection? I want to be clear here that whining is not always about needing more connection.

00;11;36;00 – 00;11;53;23
Dr. Mona
And sometimes when you read that and see that, it can be overwhelming and filled with guilt that you’re not doing enough. I spend so much time with them, I do one on one time with them. Do you check in to see if the time that you’re spending is distraction free? If you spend time but are always on your cell phone or distracted, then yes, they could be striving for actual meaningful connection.

00;11;53;25 – 00;12;09;19
Dr. Mona
But sometimes they whine because that’s how they are learning to communicate, and they’re checking to see if it will get them your attention or just what they want. First off, don’t say please don’t whine. Kids don’t understand what whining is and they don’t get what not to do. So rather, you should focus on what they should be doing.

00;12;09;21 – 00;12;35;12
Dr. Mona
So provide immediate feedback. Gently remind your child what is expected of them when they start to whine. For example, I can’t understand when you use that voice. Can you tell me what you need? Or some other scripts I’ve mentioned already? Next, reinforce the positive behavior when you see it. Praise your child when they use their words effectively. Positive reinforcement encourages them to keep using appropriate communication skills whenever they communicate in a non whining voice.

00;12;35;18 – 00;12;56;17
Dr. Mona
Don’t say thanks for not whining, but say thanks for asking me with your strong voice or thank you for asking me nicely. Or thanks for being patient. Feeding the positive of what we want them to do. Also teach emotional regulation when you and them are calm. You are right, you probably went through a lot with a new sibling, so acknowledge that and teach him what his feelings are.

00;12;56;17 – 00;13;12;12
Dr. Mona
Just like in a tantrum. You are frustrated because you want the toy. You are frustrated because you can’t spend time with mommy right now. I can’t understand you when you speak like that, can you find a different way or you’re upset because I’m spending time with your sister? I love you both. And I’m listening. What is it that you need?

00;13;12;17 – 00;13;29;17
Dr. Mona
Can you ask me in a different way? Make him feel seen, but redirect to preferred communication and reinforce that. Anjali wrote in about her five year old. When my son wants something, for example, to put his favorite song or show on and we tell him to hold on or wait for the current song to be over. Cue the whining.

00;13;29;23 – 00;13;43;11
Dr. Mona
Basically, any time he wants something and it’s not met with an immediate yes. If I tell him to wait, it usually leads to more whining. So I tell him that he can either wait for the current song or show to be over, and then we’ll play the one he wants. Or we can just turn the music or TV off.

00;13;43;13 – 00;14;01;25
Dr. Mona
Many kids are different in temperament or are less patient than their peers. So your approach will take into consideration your child’s age and their temperament as well. You have to build a frustration tolerance as well. And I have a podcast solely about building frustration tolerance that you can find by searching my podcast or website and using keyword frustration.

00;14;01;28 – 00;14;27;29
Dr. Mona
Work with your child to develop problem solving skills for when they feel frustrated or upset or impatient. Helping them handle these situations more constructively. This is done outside of disregulated moments when you are waiting for something. What can you do while you’re waiting? This is a muscle that needs to be strengthened. It sounds like your child may need choices so similar to transitioning through activities or ending one activity, he may need a very clear choice.

00;14;28;01 – 00;14;48;28
Dr. Mona
A lot of whining can stem from lack of control and he just doesn’t want to wait. But as the parent, you are teaching him how waiting is important. So instead of using the word wait, you can say I will switch it when it’s time. Which song do you want to listen to when it’s time? A or B redirecting the boundary you are setting to a choice so he feels like he’s in some control and acknowledge feelings, but be clear on the role.

00;14;49;00 – 00;15;04;14
Dr. Mona
I see you want to switch the song, but we can’t switch until it’s over. I know you are excited for the next song and I will switch it when it’s time. My son is very similar by the way, and this required a lot of consistency and repetition. An anonymous parent wrote in about their four and a half year old.

00;15;04;16 – 00;15;24;04
Dr. Mona
My child whines about everything. If he’s not sure how to verbalize something or is upset in the slightest. His automatic reaction is to whine. It’s difficult because it feels constant. It’s especially pronounced with me and my husband, as when he’s away from the home. He doesn’t whine. I know you’re going to love this answer, but they whine more with you because they know you care more about the whining.

00;15;24;10 – 00;15;44;06
Dr. Mona
And we should. We love them. But I encourage you to be consistent in your approach and don’t fall into a cycle of enabling the whining by meeting it with frustration. You mentioned it’s difficult because it’s constant. Is it constant because we are adding fuel to the fire in our approach? Make sure to follow tips already mentioned. Stay calm and patient.

00;15;44;07 – 00;16;07;09
Dr. Mona
Your own reactions can influence your child’s behavior. Staying calm and patient helps model the behavior you want to see and prevents escalation. If you feel it is truly constant, speak to your child’s clinician for further guidance. But when we use these extremes, always constant, we can also fuel the negative rather than focusing on the positive. So remember positive reinforcement to curb the behavior.

00;16;07;09 – 00;16;26;19
Dr. Mona
And also remind yourself that this child is not always whining. Also identify your child’s triggers. Maybe it’s missing you and whining is the way they feel they can get your attention and connection. Validate. But say scripts I mentioned earlier. I’m here. I’m listening. But I can’t understand you when you speak like this. Can you ask me in a different way and wait?

00;16;26;21 – 00;16;45;28
Dr. Mona
And when they do positive, reinforce that communication. Maybe the trigger is hunger or sleep deprivation. Notice a pattern and address as needed to see if you can prevent these moments. And the last one Meredith wrote in about her three and a half year old. My son has taken to whining all the time. Sometimes it’s when he doesn’t get his way or he’s tired or hungry.

00;16;46;05 – 00;17;04;07
Dr. Mona
But other times it’s a fake whine or he will whine and that turns it off like a switch. And then immediately back to whining. It’s triggering because when he’s asked to use his words, he will perfectly ask and then resort back to whining. Even after we’ve dealt with what he was whining for when using his words. I remain calm and ask him to use words over whines.

00;17;04;14 – 00;17;24;00
Dr. Mona
I explained that I want to help him but can’t understand him when he whines. So please use your words so mommy can better understand to help you once he uses his words. I reiterate what he asked for and say back to him, so he knows that I understood him, and I thank him for using his words. When he does use words and continues to whine for 20 plus minutes.

00;17;24;02 – 00;17;42;21
Dr. Mona
I find my patience dwindling and I tell him to stop whining, or I will say that he needs to stop whining and use his words. Or maybe that he needs to spend some time in quiet play until he can use his words. Nothing seems to be a long term fix and the whining has been driving me crazy. What are productive ways to help him stop whining and use his words?

00;17;42;23 – 00;18;02;10
Dr. Mona
I mentioned this already, but similar to a tantrum, consistent non escalation from our matters. Of course one else will happen, but going from positive reinforcement to a threat of quiet play is not registering for your child. So you have to be consistent on which one you want to do. Continue modeling the communication strategies you want. Demonstrate how to express needs and feelings calmly and clearly.

00;18;02;12 – 00;18;21;14
Dr. Mona
Children often mimic adult behavior, so showing them how to use words effectively can be a powerful teaching tool in the long run. Teach alternatives by helping your child develop alternative ways to express themselves, such as using words or phrases to describe their feelings or needs. Practice together with phrases like can I have a snack, please? Or I’m feeling tired.

00;18;21;21 – 00;18;45;11
Dr. Mona
And keep practicing these communication strategies outside of the whining episodes. Also, increase emotional literacy by verbalizing emotions, using books or activities to help your child recognize and articulate their emotions, which can reduce whining as they become better at expressing their needs. Also, remember that if you find yourself escalating, rather than elevating your tone, voice, or getting frustrated, take a moment.

00;18;45;13 – 00;19;11;14
Dr. Mona
This may mean stepping away or even just letting out that big exhale. We do not want to drive energy to the whining, and sometimes we may need a moment. Remember to use other tips mentioned in this episode as well. When dealing with whining, it’s so important to remember that no two kids are the same. And some kids by temperament may be more whiny, but that doesn’t mean we enable the behavior or consider them a lost cause.

00;19;11;17 – 00;19;30;19
Dr. Mona
Set clear expectations for your child, letting them know I’m listening, but I can’t understand when you talk like that. Can you find another way to tell me? And remember to positive. Reinforce whenever you hear preferred communication and strategies, not only when they fix it after a whining situation, but in general to feed their brain with what we want them to do.

00;19;30;21 – 00;19;48;25
Dr. Mona
If they don’t fix how they communicate. Don’t fill the space with so much talking, etc. sometimes you need to be quiet and calmly remind them of the boundary again and how you expect communication in your household. If they continue to whine, remind them that you hear them but can’t understand and ask them to say it in a different way.

00;19;48;28 – 00;20;10;25
Dr. Mona
This requires a lot of patience and repetition, but that’s the reality of parenting. If strategies don’t work after 12 weeks of being consistent, you may need to adjust to a different strategy that you may have heard today or speak to a professional so you can control your reaction and curb your child’s whining behavior. Remember, child behavior doesn’t change overnight.

00;20;10;28 – 00;20;37;09
Dr. Mona
And when we have that expectation, we can get disappointed. More frustrated. And this can actually perpetuate behavior such as whining because we may get more impatient and react more to it rather than respond. Responding is calm, compassionate, and teaches them preferred communication strategies and holds boundaries. But reacting, getting upset, frustrated, or yelling teaches them that this behavior got your attention and they’ll continue to do it more.

00;20;37;12 – 00;20;38;00
Dr. Mona
I hope you.

00;20;38;00 – 00;21;04;18
Dr. Mona
Got some tangible tips from this episode, and I want to address one last strategy and that is consequences. I love these strategies and do believe not joining their whining by being dysregulated yourself. Consistency and positively reinforcing preferred communication is key. However, sometimes you may find yourself exploring consequences for whining. If you do this, your child should have had a lot of practice with whining already, and you have used the other strategies.

00;21;04;21 – 00;21;27;15
Dr. Mona
Our son learned to escalate his whining into a grown. And when these typical strategies didn’t work, we set a related consequence and his groaning would go something like this. So it wasn’t really a whining, but it was a new sound that we were like, okay, well, he’s now elevating his game here. He was groaning because he wanted to play with his cars and not come to the dinner table when it was dinner time.

00;21;27;18 – 00;21;48;08
Dr. Mona
After calmly stating the boundary and preferred communication, the groaning continued. I stated in a calm, indirect tone. It’s dinner time and it’s time to put away your toys. If you continue making that sound, I’m going to have to put your cars away for you and you can get them after you eat. He groaned again. And I calmly followed through and put his cars away.

00;21;48;11 – 00;22;14;03
Dr. Mona
The groan turned into a meltdown and tears. I offered a hug, which he needed, and he came to the dinner table after we de-escalated. Remember that the whining, the groaning, etc. is a more sophisticated tantrum and connecting if needed. Being direct with boundaries and offering a consequence can sometimes help. And yes, he did get his cars after like promised and we debrief the situation during bedtime when everyone was regulated.

00;22;14;05 – 00;22;35;15
Dr. Mona
Remember, parenting through the whining phase can feel overwhelming, but with patience, consistency, and understanding, you can transform this challenging behavior into an opportunity for growth and learning. Whining is your child’s way of expressing feelings that they haven’t yet learned to communicate by staying calm, offering the positive reinforcement and modeling effective communication. You’re teaching them valuable skills that will last a lifetime.

00;22;35;17 – 00;22;58;06
Dr. Mona
It’s not about being perfect every time. It’s about making progress one step at a time. You’re building emotionally aware and resilient kids, and that’s an incredible achievement. Thank you for tuning in. I hope you love this new format for these episodes. If you did, make sure to leave a review comment on my post today on my social media channels and make sure you share this episode if you found it helpful.

00;22;58;13 – 00;23;18;01
Dr. Mona
I will be doing another episode in the future about lying, and I hope to have more to come where I can ask you all for what concerns you have scenarios and incorporate that into these conversations. Make sure to join me next week where I talk to Doctor Tracy Dalglish, a couples therapist, psychologist, about the loss of intimacy after having children.

00;23;18;01 – 00;23;21;27
Dr. Mona
It’s an episode you’re not going to want to miss. And I’ll see you all next time. Stay well.