On this episode of Monday Mornings with Dr. Mona I talk with a mom about how to embrace her shy child. We discuss:

• The genetics of personality traits
• How to normalize and embrace shyness in children
• What society gets wrong about shy individuals
• How to redirect other’s comments about your shy child
• How to open up your shy child to new situations

00;00;00;00 – 00;00;16;22

Dr. Mona

What I see a lot with shyness is that we put so much pressure on our child to fit a certain social norm of going to say hi to people and doing X, Y, and Z that we put all that pressure, that they can’t just listen to their own intuition and say, okay, this is what I need. This is what makes me feel comfortable.

 

00;00;16;25 – 00;00;43;05

Dr. Mona

Because when we can allow them to do that, then they actually may do the social norm. They may start to go say hi. They may start to do all the things that I mentioned after the grounding exercises, once they feel comfortable. But if we from the beginning put the pressure on them right, like to be a certain way, act a certain way, say certain things, we don’t just allow them that pause and that freedom to just be themselves and learn and observe.

 

00;00;43;07 – 00;01;12;11

Dr. Mona

Hey everyone, welcome back to the PedsDocTalk podcast. I am filled with so much joy seeing how you all return to this podcast week to week. Leave your reviews and just show up to this community on Instagram and this podcast. So thank you so much for being here, tuning in and being a part of this amazing community. On this episode of Monday Mornings with Doctor Mona, I am talking with a parent about her two year old son and his shyness.

 

00;01;12;14 – 00;01;34;22

Dr. Mona

I love talking about shyness because I think society still in 2022 does not think that shyness is a good trait, when in actuality I think it is a superpower. You’re going to hear me talk to her all about shyness, how to approach your shy child, and so much more.

 

00;01;34;24 – 00;01;41;15

Dr. Mona

Thank you so much for joining me today on the podcast. So tell me what is on your mind today as a mom?

 

00;01;41;18 – 00;02;20;05

Mom

So I have a two year old son, and he tends toward shyness, and feeling shy in new situations and also around new people or large crowds of people. And so kind of what is on my mind with that is, first of all, how I can help support him and make him feel comfortable. Also how I can help him feel confident because I grew up being labeled as a shy child and that can really drain on your confidence when you’re, you know, when it’s labeled more as an identity and not a feeling.

 

00;02;20;08 – 00;02;48;08

Mom

And so that’s something that I’ve struggled with. And then another thing that is on my mind with that is other people, other adults reactions to him being shy and kind of the commentary that goes along with that, that he might take in and how I, as a parent can help not have him feel that negative sense of identity that I felt, you know, when people told me that I was shy as a child and everything that came along with that.

 

00;02;48;15 – 00;03;05;28

Dr. Mona

You just said that when you were younger, you got labeled as shy and that society. I agree with you really labels adults and children as oh, shy is that thing when it’s actually, like you said, just a personality trait and it’s a feeling and it’s just who we are. Like, some people are shy, some people are not shy.

 

00;03;05;28 – 00;03;23;24

Dr. Mona

And that’s okay. Everyone is just different in temperament. I love that word. Just who we are. And a lot of shyness. By the way, is thought to be genetics. So you said that you yourself were shy as a child as well? Yes, yes. So what concerns you the most about your son being shy in these situations?

 

00;03;23;24 – 00;03;39;09

Dr. Mona

Are you more concerned about him wanting to kind of open him up to things? Are you more concerned about the other people and what they’re saying? Are you concerned about his feelings? Like, what is it that exactly is making you feel like, in these moments or after these moments, are hard for you?

 

00;03;39;12 – 00;04;17;26

Mom

I would say it’s twofold. So in the moment, I’m obviously concerned about making sure that he’s not feeling scared or what can I do to support him if he’s feeling scared in these situations? He actually lately he has gotten a bit more used to being around new people because he’s just had more opportunities to do so. But we had an example would be a mother’s day gathering that we had, and the whole room was full of people, and most of them he didn’t know very well, and they all said hi to him and instantly he just started crying.

 

00;04;17;26 – 00;04;41;28

Mom

He was so afraid. And so in that moment, I took him into the other room and I talked to him and tried to comfort him. But I think that’s the first piece is how do I help him cope with these feelings in the moment? And then the other piece is, you know, how do I keep him from internalizing and creating any negative self-talk that comes from things that other people might say when he’s feeling shy?

 

00;04;41;29 – 00;05;02;12

Mom

You know, if he turns away from someone because he’s feeling shy, like sometimes his natural instinct is to turn away. Like, I’m a little bit scared. You’re. Yeah. So I’m going to turn my face away from you and not look at you right away. And he’s gotten comments like, oh, you’re ghosting, that’s all. He’s even gotten comments like, oh, that’s not very nice to turn away.

 

00;05;02;12 – 00;05;26;02

Mom

And in that moment, I just kind of said, like, it’s okay if you’re feeling shy and and immediately jump in and say, like, this isn’t a nice or not nice thing, like, it’s okay, you’re feeling shy and that’s okay. You know, when you can look at them when you’re feeling ready. But I just want to make sure that these comments from others don’t turn into a negative self-talk that he will have as he grows older.

 

00;05;26;05 – 00;05;38;13

Dr. Mona

Yes. And society. The word shy in itself is, like I said, created with such stigma when it really shouldn’t be right. Some people are shy, but I I’m sure you feel that way. Like, do you feel like there’s, a stigma in the word shy?

 

00;05;38;15 – 00;05;39;08

Mom

I do.

 

00;05;39;08 – 00;05;59;12

Dr. Mona

Yeah, yeah. It’s like picky eating. Like I always say, like picky eating is a reality, right? Some children are going to be more picky or preferential with their eating, but the term picky eating, the term shy like these are all considered the exception when it’s just like we said, it’s just who we are. And some kids have pickiness, some kids are more shy, some kids have different.

 

00;05;59;12 – 00;06;20;25

Dr. Mona

You know, it’s all just based on different temperaments and actions. So I think, you know, what you’re doing is already great. Obviously, recognizing that you want to embrace his shyness, encourage him to open up to things when he’s comfortable. Right. We respect that for every child. And then also control the peanut gallery and the commentary. I think those are the three things.

 

00;06;20;27 – 00;06;38;00

Dr. Mona

I think one of the first thing that we always have to remember is that, yes, shyness is not a fault. It’s not a bad thing. I’ve mentioned that. I think it’s just so important everyone listening. If you do not have a shy child or you are not a shy person, to really normalize that shyness is a trait, if you will.

 

00;06;38;00 – 00;06;53;10

Dr. Mona

It’s a you can say the word feeling and it’s something that should kind of be embraced in some ways. I think we often say that it’s not. But when you look at it, I always say like, oh, this is so great that you’re just a little more cautious and you just want to feel a little bit more comfortable before you dive right into a situation.

 

00;06;53;10 – 00;07;13;07

Dr. Mona

And sometimes when I start to empower the shyness and use the terminology that way it can really help the parent also in reminding them that, yeah, this is a good quality, this is a quality that my child possesses. And I’m actually proud that my child is shy versus like, this is the exception and this is what he should not be or my child should not be this way.

 

00;07;13;07 – 00;07;33;09

Dr. Mona

So first we’re going to embrace your shy son. And I think that’s wonderful. I also have a shy son. And when we say that, you know, he’s on social media, by the way, but when he’s with new people in a certain situation, he does the same thing. He turns into my leg and he lays his head on my leg and he like, is it that kid that just wants to jump in right away?

 

00;07;33;09 – 00;07;51;18

Dr. Mona

He needs a little more time to feel out the situation. And it sounds like in your situation where you’re talking about that event where he, you know, people start saying hi, he started to cry. I know that that’s not going to be every situation for the rest of his life. And I think you understand that too, that yes, of course, this is a temporary thing that just happened.

 

00;07;51;23 – 00;08;13;08

Dr. Mona

Maybe the amount of people, maybe the, you know, stimulation of what was there was a little bit overwhelming for him. I do like to try to stay away from the terminology of shy in front of children because of the societal stigma. And I know you said that you do that right, like you said that, oh, you know, you’re just you know, it’s okay to be shy.

 

00;08;13;10 – 00;08;28;06

Dr. Mona

I really like to just say like, hey, you’re just taking some time to feel out the situation. And that’s great. I like to change the terminology a little bit. It kind of like what I do with picky eating just so that we kind of normalize that. Hey, this is not a label. This is just who you are.

 

00;08;28;06 – 00;08;50;00

Dr. Mona

And rather than saying, hey, you’re shy, we can say, hey, you’re just feeling out the situation. I’m right here with you. If you want to get a little more comfortable. And then we kind of start to like, look at different things that we can do in that situation. But that’s the first thing I like to do is not using so much of the terminology, one, because of the stigma and because then people hearing will be like, oh, don’t be shy.

 

00;08;50;00 – 00;09;06;00

Dr. Mona

You don’t have to be polite. I’m sure that’s happened because of course I’ve been there. And so kind of just saying, almost reclaiming the personality and just saying, you know what, he’s just cautious and he just wants to take his time. I like that. He just wants to take his time a little bit and fill out the situation.

 

00;09;06;00 – 00;09;24;18

Dr. Mona

And that’s really great. And I’m so proud of him for doing that. I often find that when we’re in a situation with a loved one or maybe not a loved one or a stranger, and they’re saying things about our child that is not the nicest things, whether it’s about their body image, whether it’s about, oh, come on, you don’t have to be this way.

 

00;09;24;20 – 00;09;42;13

Dr. Mona

But the reality is they are this way, right? They are shy, they look a certain way, and that is who they are. And so we want to embrace their identity. So when someone does say, oh, well, he’s so shy, I really like to combat it with, oh yes, he’s just so great at filling out the situation and making sure that he feels comfortable.

 

00;09;42;13 – 00;10;17;00

Dr. Mona

And I think it’s such a great quality. So in front of him, you just said something to a stranger, write of why you really like that quality about him. Because I think when children hear that quality is something that their parent recognizes and it’s something that their parent is okay with, right then it’s normalized. And you also, in that same situation, have now also reframed a comment that that person said to, yeah, you know, it’s so great that he really is just listening to his body or, you know, in other situations or just really taking a moment to just see how he feels and he’ll get comfortable when he’s ready, you know?

 

00;10;17;00 – 00;10;35;19

Dr. Mona

And that’s it. Matter of fact, there’s no explaining. Oh, he’s never been around people or he’s never done this. Nobody needs an explanation, nor does he. Right. Because we could say that this is his temperament. There’s no reason why we’re like this, right? This is just who we are. So we’ll try to do that more when you’re in those moments.

 

00;10;35;19 – 00;11;02;14

Dr. Mona

And I know that person may not always take to that, but it really can add positivity to a situation. And when your child’s looking at it, they can say, well, yeah, I’m just taking some time and that’s okay. A two year old is listening, right? Even though he may not completely understand what you’re saying in full phrases, he gets it like he’ll understand by your body language that this is something that is normal and I can stay right by mom if I want to, and that is what I’m going to do.

 

00;11;02;14 – 00;11;12;01

Dr. Mona

And she’s not upset that I’m crying. She’s not upset that I won’t just jump right in. And I think that can help normal eyes his temperament in a public setting as well.

 

00;11;12;04 – 00;11;33;05

Mom

I mean, those are all fantastic points. I love that language. And it absolutely is a very true, different way of phrasing it is he is he’s taking it in. He’s doesn’t observe and decide when he feels comfortable. And I think that that’s fantastic language to start using in those situations.

 

00;11;33;09 – 00;11;52;22

Dr. Mona

Yeah. Because I know one of the things you mentioned was the societal view of this. And that’s why I like to combat that. First, because, oh, man, society obviously we live, we’re human beings. We live in a world where people are looking at what we do. We look at what other people do, and it can really take away from our moment of embracing our child’s temperament or working with them on certain skills.

 

00;11;52;22 – 00;12;09;22

Dr. Mona

When there’s that again, that peanut gallery, people saying like, why are they not doing this? Or why are they certain way right? And when we do this, we, like I said, are just reclaiming it and saying, this is actually something I really admire about my son, and you don’t need to go on a full blown explanation in front of a stranger, right?

 

00;12;09;23 – 00;12;25;05

Dr. Mona

But it’s something that in that moment, right, you can make it very short and sweet. And then afterwards, you know, like, just so you come home from the party and you’re talking with your son and you’re playing with him in a very calm situation. We are going to revisit you know, like, hey, today we went to a birthday party.

 

00;12;25;08 – 00;12;50;29

Dr. Mona

And, you know, when we went there, you were a little scared at first and will say, yeah, mommy scared? Why were you scared? And again, as they get older, the language will come out more. So you’re going to meet them where they’re able to verbalize. And if they’re not speaking, then you just explain what you saw. Right? And eventually you’re they’re going to really realize, wow, okay, so my mom saw what happened or my dad or caregiver, really understood that I didn’t need to be pushed in this situation.

 

00;12;51;01 – 00;13;11;01

Dr. Mona

And now we’re talking about it. And during playtime, things like role play, like. So let’s see, you went to this event. What could we do next time? What would make you feel more comfortable? You know, and maybe there’s like a friend there or maybe there’s a certain activity that we can look at. When I talk about shyness, I want to use the word anxiety.

 

00;13;11;01 – 00;13;29;10

Dr. Mona

And I’m not saying that shyness is equating to anxiety, but in when we talk about anxiety, we talk about grounding exercises. Right. The reason I’m bringing up with shyness, when someone’s approaching a situation that’s new to them and unfamiliar in some ways, we can call it that. They’re having a momentary anxiety, right? Like they’re feeling nervous about something, right?

 

00;13;29;10 – 00;13;50;04

Dr. Mona

Like something in that situation is new to them and they’re just feeling a little cautious, aka shy. And that is okay, right? That is completely normal. So what do we do in anxiety? What we do in anxiety is we do grounding exercise. So when you get to a place when you’re there and you have a shy child, you at first are going to kind of get down to his level and talk to him.

 

00;13;50;04 – 00;14;06;04

Dr. Mona

And you see, and you’re going to be with him and say, do you see everything happening? Is there anything that you want to go take a look at? Is there anybody that you want to go say hi to? Because when you go into something that’s really overwhelming, sometimes you want to find your grounding point. You want to find an object.

 

00;14;06;08 – 00;14;24;08

Dr. Mona

Somebody, maybe another child, and it may not be there, but something, maybe it’s like going to get a snack right away, right? Maybe it’s something that is going to give that child some comfort. So I’m going to use example. Ryan went to his first birthday party and he’s shy. So you know, he walked in and there was just a bunch of people and he was like, wow.

 

00;14;24;08 – 00;14;43;21

Dr. Mona

Like, this is not something I’m used to, comfortable or whatever. And there was a big dinosaur. And so I said, I got down and I was like, Ryan, do you see that dinosaur? Do you want to go with me and go check out that dinosaur? Before we make all the niceties of going and say hi to everybody? Because I think in society we expect you go into a party, you say hi to everyone right away.

 

00;14;43;28 – 00;15;01;05

Dr. Mona

But that’s going to happen, okay. You know, like that’s part of the social norm. We do that. But when you’re trying to get your child comfortable in a new situation, these grounding exercises of just noticing something physical that is really comforting to them. And it may be a snack, it may be like a decoration. It may be something that they can hold in their hand.

 

00;15;01;08 – 00;15;10;22

Dr. Mona

That’s at the place that makes them a little more cautious, can really help in breaking down that initial barrier, and then they may get to be more comfortable.

 

00;15;10;25 – 00;15;29;12

Mom

That’s a great idea. We haven’t tried anything like that before, so I’m looking forward to trying that next time and seeing how that might help kind of calm those nerves in a situation like that. And, you know, you’re right. When you get to an event, people expect you to say hi, right? And it’s a social norm. It’s seen as good manners.

 

00;15;29;12 – 00;15;40;26

Mom

And I think that’s the other reason why people have so much to say about shyness, because they can interpret it as poor manners. But also, you know, we’re working with toddlers here.

 

00;15;40;29 – 00;15;42;18

Dr. Mona

Yes, yes, they are learning.

 

00;15;42;18 – 00;15;48;28

Mom

They you know, they don’t always need to abide by these typical social norms. They’re still learning them.

 

00;15;49;01 – 00;16;06;08

Dr. Mona

And I do believe in manners. You know, I think it’s I agree, manners. I grew up with a lot of manners as well. So I think in the end, we are teaching our child that we’re going to go say hi to people and do all that. But in a way, we’re not forcing it, right? Because we know that you’re not going to be able to force any child or any human being into a situation, especially a toddler.

 

00;16;06;15 – 00;16;24;00

Dr. Mona

But if the reason I like this is that then we get him a little more comfortable and then he may. I’m not saying there’s a guarantee, but he may go to say hi to grandma or go to say hi to whoever we’re celebrating. And we ask the child, and I know people get like, oh, why are we asking our children for permission?

 

00;16;24;03 – 00;16;38;15

Dr. Mona

Do you want to say hi? Do you want to go do this? Do you want to do that? Do you want to come with me versus hey, go say hi to grandma. Go say hi to this person. Go do this. Listen, I grew up in a culture where that was the norm, right? You have to go say hi to everybody.

 

00;16;38;15 – 00;16;55;05

Dr. Mona

And I also had some shy tendencies and sometimes I just didn’t want to go and say hi to 18 different aunties and uncles at a party. Right. I just wanted to get my bearings, you know, enjoy the event and then naturally move through and say hello. So nice to see you. And that’s how I work as an adult.

 

00;16;55;08 – 00;17;23;06

Dr. Mona

As an adult, I’m not going to say hi to every single human being in the party. I’m starting and getting comfortable. Maybe see go to someone you know, right? And then you break the ice that way and then you move to the other people very rarely. I mean, there are people who are like this, the very outgoing people, but very rarely to someone who does not have alcohol in their system and anything of eating them, go into a party and just announce themselves like, hey, I’m here, everybody talk to me, right?

 

00;17;23;06 – 00;17;40;16

Dr. Mona

Every human being is going to have some sort of grounding point in a social event, whether it’s a bigger grounding point or something small, just to kind of get them used to that situation. And I think that is a social norm. Right. And then you’ll start to mingle. But what happens when children enter, right. Everybody’s like, oh sweetie.

 

00;17;40;16 – 00;18;01;24

Dr. Mona

Like and it’s like all of a sudden like ten people are surrounding the child. Maybe your son hasn’t met those people yet. So of course, normalizing that experience from that adult, right. They’re so excited to see your child. I don’t blame them for being so excited to see your son, and I’m sure you are too. But then we also have to understand, when a small child sees a lot of people come approach them.

 

00;18;01;27 – 00;18;19;28

Dr. Mona

Not many kids are going to love that, right? It’s going to be something that they’re like, whoa, I’ve never experienced this. What’s going on? And then the next thing is going to be they’re going to look at what you do, right? So in that situation and I know this because you’re also, you know, grew up shy. Obviously you’ve kind of grown up to kind of find your own element at a social events and things like that.

 

00;18;20;00 – 00;18;34;00

Dr. Mona

But he’s going to look how you respond to the other people, but he’s also going to look at how you respond to his hesitancy. So you did something great. I think what you’ve been doing is wonderful. You know, my concern would have been, and you’re not doing this like, oh, come on, just go, go, go, go say hi.

 

00;18;34;00 – 00;18;48;28

Dr. Mona

Like I went to an event and I saw that I saw a shy kid on the leg of a mother, and the father was like, why is she going to say hi to everybody? And he was getting really upset. And I don’t say anything. It’s at parties and social events because I don’t know these people. It’s not my place.

 

00;18;49;03 – 00;19;07;00

Dr. Mona

But I was just like, oh, the mom is doing, you know, in that moment, the mom was doing something really great and she was like, sweetie, she’ll go when she’s ready. And she just caressed her daughter’s hair and like, let her daughter, like, stand by her leg. And then eventually the daughter did go to say hi to other children or go play and eat cupcakes and all of that.

 

00;19;07;00 – 00;19;24;10

Dr. Mona

But I love talking about parenting in the wild, because it’s so important to understand that we all go through that and normalizing that. And I think that can really help when you’re starting to get into more social events and really normalizing the shyness and again, creating those grounding points.

 

00;19;24;12 – 00;19;44;23

Mom

Yeah, I think that that’s something that I will keep in mind. You know, we’ve been doing that piece where, you know, we just sit and tell them it’s okay. And, you know, when he’s comfortable he can join in. And I did thinking back to the event that I was talking about earlier, I think I did say that to him, you know, like they’re just all very excited to see you.

 

00;19;44;23 – 00;20;10;20

Mom

But I can understand how having that many grown ups talk to you at the same time must have startled you. And yeah, you know, kind of talk through it with him. But I’m definitely going to be looking for ways that we can find grounding moments in situations. And also I think kind of talking about it a little bit before a big event or maybe afterwards talking about what happened so that we can prepare or debrief will be really, really.

 

00;20;10;22 – 00;20;29;04

Dr. Mona

Oh, and in the debriefing, I think one thing that really helps is always highlighting the right things. What we mean by that, and what I always want to remind, is that we’re not praising the fact that he was social. Okay? Because I think that goes back to the social norm, that he has to be social. We are praising him, even showing up to the place.

 

00;20;29;04 – 00;20;47;29

Dr. Mona

We start with baby steps, right? Because if we praise that he oh, I saw you say hi to everybody. Great job. That is again feeding into that social norm that you have to say hi to everybody and that’s what it needs to happen. No, I want us to recognize that he showed up to an event so that this instance that you gave me where he cried when everyone said hi.

 

00;20;47;29 – 00;21;04;23

Dr. Mona

Right. The debriefing that you do after, hey, I really saw how you were being so brave in this event. You know, you learned you were being cautious. All the stuff that you’re going to say. But I, you know, I just noticed that you showed up. And I think that’s really great that you went to your first party. And, you know, what did you like about the party?

 

00;21;04;23 – 00;21;25;07

Dr. Mona

Right? So now we’re saying, I saw what happened, I recognize it, I saw that you were being brave for showing up to that event. Now let’s reframe and talk about what you did like about that event. Right. Because we want to put positive memories with something that may not have been so great or may not have been so comfortable, so that they understand that there’s a big picture in our feelings.

 

00;21;25;07 – 00;21;43;08

Dr. Mona

Right? We are okay to feel nervous when we go to an event. We are okay to move through that emotion. He tried the example and then we’re okay to enjoy the event. So then you can also highlight like, well, what did you really like at the party. And then he made and you know I know he’s two. So again I don’t know the language but he may say like oh cupcake.

 

00;21;43;08 – 00;22;01;08

Dr. Mona

Oh you love the cupcake. Yes. That was a really good cupcake and a very special day. You know, like really just getting into that sort of mindset of, okay, the feeling that this is okay, that you feel this way, managing the expectation that, hey, he does not have to be a social butterfly. I’m not a social butterfly like you said, right?

 

00;22;01;15 – 00;22;17;26

Dr. Mona

It’s okay that he’s not like that. At modeling the behavior that you are trying to show him. I’m showing him that it’s okay to have feelings. I’m showing him that, you know, it’s okay to kind of take a little moment to survey that what’s going on in the environment. And then we’re going to highlight the things that you saw.

 

00;22;17;26 – 00;22;42;19

Dr. Mona

That was really cool, like showing up. Like if he did say hi, you can say, you know, I saw at first that you were a little nervous saying hi to grandma and then you like saying hi to grandma and playing with grandma. That’s so great. And as your child gets older, like a three year old, a four year old who’s shy, you’re going to be able to interact with them more in terms of, you know, back and forth conversation like, yeah, mommy, I love when grandma did X, Y, and Z.

 

00;22;42;25 – 00;23;01;03

Dr. Mona

And then as you learn about that, you’ll learn what does my shy child need in social situations? Right. When they’re younger, it can be harder because they can’t tell you. But as you learn about your shy child, you’ll learn like, oh, grandma, like showed him like a toy or something. Then you’re going to learn like, oh, that was probably one of those grounding activities that he really liked.

 

00;23;01;06 – 00;23;09;16

Dr. Mona

Broke the ice. They made him feel comfortable. It made him feel a little less worried that, you know, about the social situation. So I think those things are going to really help.

 

00;23;09;19 – 00;23;43;20

Mom

Yes. And I would love you mentioned something that I would love to talk a little bit more about, not praising him for just saying hi to everyone so that is not something that my husband and I do, but my mother is one of his very frequent caregivers and she is very outgoing, and I think she has a fear that what she saw me struggle with as a child, I think she has a fear that if my son is shy, that he is going to struggle.

 

00;23;43;22 – 00;24;11;22

Mom

And so she has started doing what I have begun referring to, away from my son with. She has been what I’m calling it is like the shyness report card. Okay? He goes to any sort of like news situation or event with him. When she comes back, she will say to us, oh, he’s at hello to everyone. He didn’t ghost anybody and is literally doing that, praising him or saying hello, praising him for not being shy.

 

00;24;11;25 – 00;24;34;03

Mom

And I just don’t know how to handle or I don’t know if repairs the right word, but I feel like I need to repair it. Afterwards so that he’s not getting that message of that, you know, shyness report card. And the goal is to say hi to everyone. In my opinion, the goal is to honor yourself and honor your feelings.

 

00;24;34;05 – 00;25;03;01

Mom

And, you know, you can absolutely have a growth mindset and practice, you know, getting used to being in new situations. And, you know, have progress in that shy temperament. But I don’t think that the way to do that is to praise him for saying hi to people and for not being shy, because what if that means he’s learning to suppress his own feelings and his own emotions to make other people happy?

 

00;25;03;07 – 00;25;24;27

Mom

Yeah. So in those situations, I would love to talk about, like how you might handle that or how you would recommend handling that as a parent, either in the moment or as a debrief afterwards. If, say, you’re not giving your child that you know, praise for just saying hello to people, but someone else who is a very strong influence is doing something like that.

 

00;25;24;29 – 00;25;46;22

Dr. Mona

And so we have to remember and it depends on the parenting situation and caregiver situation, like how much time is he spending with that person? Right. Like if grandma comes in like maybe every weekend or you know, if she’s like one of the primary caregivers, then there’s going to have to be a bigger conversation with grandma. Maybe having her listen to this about let’s, you know, get on the same page on how we talk about it.

 

00;25;46;22 – 00;26;08;29

Dr. Mona

But if it’s like happening occasionally that you know, what you just mentioned, I’m not so worried about that because he’s spending the most time with his parents usually. Right. Like we, the kids spend the most time with the parents. In terms of doing those debriefing. Right. And it’s not to say that, you know, I don’t want grandma to feel bad that she did that, that, you know, I understand where she’s coming from, that like, oh, he did say hi to everyone.

 

00;26;08;29 – 00;26;26;23

Dr. Mona

That is really cool. And I think that’s reasonable to, you know, grandma was excited about that. But with him like the again that report card concept that that is awesome. Great. But that’s not the value that we’re holding with him. Right. We’re just happy that he tried something new. And so maybe even telling grandma like, hey mom, like I love it.

 

00;26;26;23 – 00;26;43;09

Dr. Mona

I love that he said hi to everybody. Like, you know, just before you correct someone, we always want to make sure that we meet them with like, yeah, I love that he said hi. That’s wonderful. If we can start to really just applaud him for just even showing up and for just being there and for listening to himself and all of that, I think he’ll really start to feel even more comfortable.

 

00;26;43;12 – 00;27;01;13

Dr. Mona

And also reminding her of you. Right. Like how you had to kind of come into it on your own, and you learn from modeling, you learn from just kind of figuring out situations. I mean, that’s how humans learn, right? We learn by repetition. We learn by looking at other people. We learn it, especially how our parents react to the situation.

 

00;27;01;13 – 00;27;22;20

Dr. Mona

You know that that’s a lot of how they’re going to learn. But that doesn’t mean that they’re always going to follow based on temperament and choice. I think that’s going to be really helpful to just kind of say like, hey, can we focus on this or can we, you know, maybe geared towards this and if you don’t want to have that conversation because these things are not happening a lot, I think that those discussions are going to be more with him.

 

00;27;22;22 – 00;27;38;13

Dr. Mona

And you can say, like grandma told me, that you said hi to everyone. That’s really great. And I really think that is just so awesome that you went with her to that event, right? So you’re saying like, hey, that’s cool that you said hi, that’s great. Nonchalant. Fine. But then, you know, I’m happy that you went. And how did you like it?

 

00;27;38;15 – 00;27;57;15

Dr. Mona

Oh, did you like that thing? Oh, you didn’t really like that. Oh, it scared you. Why did it scare you? Right. So then you’re going to talk about the feelings, you know, parents job hopefully to talk about the feelings. Grandparents are going to be more of the fun praising all of that. We can’t expect grandparents to parent. And so that’s how you can kind of pivot and say, we’re going to talk about the feelings.

 

00;27;57;15 – 00;28;28;22

Dr. Mona

And he may not because again, age wise or he may not have anything to say. And that’s fine. I think as parents sometimes we always feel that we have to have this major debrief after everything, especially when our child is shy or doing something. But no, you’re going to do it when you’re able to, right? You’re going to if there was a situation that you’re with him, or grandma comes back and says that he didn’t say hi to everybody and she gives a negative report card, and she says that in front of him, you’re going to correct and say, oh, you know, I think it’s so great that he’s learning and I know he’ll get

 

00;28;28;22 – 00;28;44;22

Dr. Mona

there in terms of figuring out what he’s comfortable with. Right. But the tone matters, right? Like how we combated that. Because if we say, God, mom, and I’ve been there, I’m a mother too, right, mom? Like, why do you have to say that if we do that in front of the child or in general, then that whole energy is kind of like, well, why are we like, what’s going on?

 

00;28;44;22 – 00;28;58;06

Dr. Mona

But if we’re like, you’re basically meeting it with like, oh, that’s so great, and it sounds a little fake and act it like you’re acting a little bit, but you’re not. You’re saying, thank you. I hear what you’re saying. And I also just think it’s so wonderful that, you know, he went and that he’s learning and all that.

 

00;28;58;06 – 00;29;13;01

Dr. Mona

So similar to what I said at the beginning. I think that’s going to be the same concept. And then really, when you debrief with your son, if there is stuff like talking about feelings, like was there anything that excited you? You know, you don’t have to bring up scared feelings unless you were there and saw him scared, right?

 

00;29;13;01 – 00;29;31;00

Dr. Mona

Like the crying incident if he cried. And a debriefing example would be, you know, when everyone said hi to you, I saw that you cried. You had some really big feelings at that moment. Can you tell me why? And again, as they get older, you’ll have more information. But a lot of it could be because of just how many people or was it just a lot of people coming towards you?

 

00;29;31;07 – 00;29;49;14

Dr. Mona

Was it too much at one time, like you’re just kind of discussing it with them? And it is a really fascinating thing having I am outgoing and I have a shy child because he got my husband’s temperament, okay. And so as a mother who is more outgoing, raising a child who is more shy, I’m giving you a different perspective.

 

00;29;49;14 – 00;30;15;11

Dr. Mona

Like I also have to remind myself, kind of being like your mom, right? That, hey, my son is different than me. He doesn’t have to be that. Go everywhere and say hi to everybody. He may not and that’s reasonable. And I’m speaking from your agree from that mother or your mother’s perspective that yeah, it’s okay. And sometimes I do say like I have used the label shy in front of him and I try to get better at it and you know, on FaceTime the mom or mother in law will say, oh, you’re being so shy.

 

00;30;15;11 – 00;30;35;16

Dr. Mona

And I’m like, yeah, he doesn’t really like FaceTime. And that’s just what it is. And it’s all about really just saying it. So matter of fact that this does not bother you, so it should not bother him, right? Because when kids start to see that something that they do and I’m talking about anything that they do good behavior but like things have labeled it into their personality traits.

 

00;30;35;16 – 00;31;04;26

Dr. Mona

If we want to really, truly embrace shyness, it would be to say, this is okay with me. I am okay that you’re shy. I’m okay that you felt this way, and that’s going to go a long way in, eventually allowing him to have the comfort. Because what I see a lot with shyness is that we put so much pressure on our child to fit a certain social norm of going to say hi to people and doing X, Y, and z that we put all that pressure, that they can’t just listen to their own intuition and say, okay, this is what I need.

 

00;31;05;02 – 00;31;30;27

Dr. Mona

This is what makes me feel comfortable, because when we can allow them to do that, then they actually may do the social norm. They may start to go say hi. They may start to do all the things that I mentioned after the grounding exercises, once they feel comfortable. But if we from the beginning put the pressure on them right, like to be a certain way, act a certain way, say certain things, we don’t just allow them that pause and that freedom to just be themselves and learn and observe.

 

00;31;30;28 – 00;31;56;20

Mom

Right. And it adds another layer of that nervousness, because now I’m not nervous about this new situation, but I’m nervous about am I making my caregiver unhappy? Yes. And then I’m approaching it. And so I think absolutely just embracing it, being okay with it, like I’m perfectly happy with with your personality. Exactly. And then they don’t have that extra pressure.

 

00;31;56;20 – 00;32;02;21

Mom

And that gives them room to process those other feelings and room to grow.

 

00;32;02;24 – 00;32;17;22

Dr. Mona

It’s a beautiful thing. And, I mean, it’s like anything like when you feel seen and heard on your feelings or who you are, then you can make some breakthrough in terms of getting more comfortable and all of that. And then also just again, eliminating what the norm is of comfortable, right. Comfortable for him maybe going to play with some kids.

 

00;32;17;22 – 00;32;36;17

Dr. Mona

Not everybody. And that’s okay. Right. Like we have to really understand that I respect manners. I do respect them. And I grew up with them. And I also respect that we can have some autonomy in what we do and what we say, and model that in terms of, you know, there’s kindness just because you don’t say hi to everybody does not mean that you’re not a kind person.

 

00;32;36;17 – 00;33;03;20

Dr. Mona

Right? We equate kindness with sociability. But shy people are also kind, right? Like I think sometimes it can be labeled as such that, oh, they didn’t say hi to me. So they’re either upset or they’re not a nice kid. No. I really love talking about shyness because I think it’s a very awesome quality. And, I’m glad that you were able to come on, because I look at shapes, children as children who just are really trying to understand what makes them feel comfortable and are actually very cautious in a good way.

 

00;33;03;26 – 00;33;20;11

Dr. Mona

Right? Of course, for everyone listening, I know your son’s not here, but if it’s debilitating, right? If the shyness is becoming to a point where it’s causing them true anxiety, they’re not going to anything. You can’t get them to go to school. You can get them anywhere, like they have breakdowns where you’re not able to use any of these tips and it’s just not happening.

 

00;33;20;11 – 00;33;38;21

Dr. Mona

Then, of course, I want you to speak to somebody about it, because the shyness should never be to a point where you can’t do anything like activities of daily living, going to see people going to school or anything. But that’s not what we’re talking about here. This is basically a normal thing that I want to make sure people understand that we live in a world with shy adults.

 

00;33;38;21 – 00;34;05;04

Dr. Mona

We live in a world of shy children and kind of relabeling and reprioritizing how we look at what is valued in society, you know, and I do agree, like I said earlier, that society still values that more verbose person. It values that person who’s the louder person in the room when actually the shy person, the person who’s taking time to take everything in could actually be the person who has so much more to say and so much more to contribute.

 

00;34;05;06 – 00;34;27;17

Dr. Mona

And so when I look at shy children, I say, look, of course there are people who have a lot to say that are probably valuable. But I look at shy children and I really like to empower parents, and maybe they’re shy too, and saying that this is a quality that is like a superpower, right? Like if we can really foster it and be okay with it, then this whole conversation of what we talked about, we’re going to allow that child to use it for their own good and feel comfortable in their own skin.

 

00;34;27;17 – 00;34;31;17

Dr. Mona

And I think you’re already doing a fantastic job of it.

 

00;34;31;20 – 00;34;50;29

Mom

Thank you. And I’m just really excited to have more tools now to help support him and help him feel more comfortable, feel less afraid. It’s okay to want to observe and take your time and take things in, but you know, to support him and make sure that he’s not feeling scared. And I don’t have the tools to help.

 

00;34;50;29 – 00;35;00;28

Mom

This is going to really help me feel like, you know, I can help him find something in that situation that might help him feel a little bit more comfortable.

 

00;35;01;00 – 00;35;22;21

Dr. Mona

Know if you are a shy parent or have a shy child. I hope these tips and tricks and this conversation really helps you today. Sometimes it’s just about normalize using the different temperaments that we all have. And like I do on every Monday mornings with Doctor Moana episode, I like to wrap up the conversation with three take home points.

 

00;35;22;21 – 00;35;58;13

Dr. Mona

These are parenting principles that can be applied to many different parenting situations, but I explain how these three principles can apply to navigating and embracing your shy child. Number one is normalize the feeling. Normalize who they are. We all are different in temperament. Some of us are social butterflies. Some of us like to be more cautious. When we go into a social situation, it’s really important to understand that we all are different and normalize your child’s feeling when they are feeling a little more insecure or concerned about an event, a person, etc..

 

00;35;58;17 – 00;36;18;29

Dr. Mona

Number two is manage your expectations. This is especially important like I talked about with the mom. If you are not the same temperament as your child. So in the example I said that I am a little more outgoing. I’m not as shy as my son, and I have to realize that he has a different temperament. He got my husband’s temperament.

 

00;36;19;02 – 00;36;40;19

Dr. Mona

So we have to embrace our child and the temperament they have. Remember that when we look at parenting, there is nature and there’s a nurture. Nature is our genetics. And shyness is a personality trait that is largely genetic. Like I talked about with the mom, she was shy. Her child is shy. There are some traits that are passed down and then there’s nurture.

 

00;36;40;19 – 00;37;05;19

Dr. Mona

So nurture is how we parent our children. So it’s 100% nature and 100% nurture. I know that’s 200%, but it’s equal. It’s equally important. So when you’re approaching a child who is shy, it’s important to manage your expectation and understand that this is who my child is. How can I foster that child’s comfort in these social situations, and how, as a parent, can I know that, hey, this is something that needs more intervention.

 

00;37;05;19 – 00;37;25;15

Dr. Mona

Like I mentioned, if your child is so worried about social situations, doesn’t want to do activities of daily living, this is when it becomes a concern that we want to intervene. But if your child is a little cautious when they go to a birthday party or an event, this is okay. This is understandable. And we want to use the principles that I mentioned in the episode to guide them.

 

00;37;25;17 – 00;37;46;04

Dr. Mona

And part of that is going in with the mindset as a parent that it is okay that my child is this way, but now I’m going to help guide them with an understanding of their temperament. And number three is modeling the behavior that you’re trying to teach them. And again without expectation. So if you want your child to learn okay we’re going to say hi to people.

 

00;37;46;04 – 00;38;12;16

Dr. Mona

We’re going to go play with people. We’re going to do X, Y and Z. Whatever we do as a social norm, you know courtesy things because kindness is nice, courtesy is nice. But we also don’t want to just force that on a child and say, you have to do this. We want to just show them. Remember, so much of what our children learn is nonverbal by watching us, our facial expressions, how we move our body, how we get uncomfortable in certain situations.

 

00;38;12;21 – 00;38;32;21

Dr. Mona

It is so much of parenting. So if you’re trying to nurture your shy child and get them comfortable in social situations, you’re going to accept that they’re shy and that’s okay. Manage your expectation and then you are going to show them how you talk to other individuals. They can be right on your leg the whole time. You’re going to get some food or go talk to this person.

 

00;38;32;21 – 00;38;52;21

Dr. Mona

And that is how they’re going to see how to interact. You’re not going to pressure them and say, you must say hi, go say hi and just dump them in without any understanding of their temperament and their comfort. But by watching you, they’re going to see, okay, this is a safe environment. My mother, my father, my caregiver considers this a safe environment.

 

00;38;52;28 – 00;39;19;15

Dr. Mona

And this is something that I may look at as an activity I enjoy as well. Thank you so much for joining me on this episode today. I love having you all on. If you love this episode, make sure you share it on your Instagram Stories. Tag me at PedsDocTalk so I can share it, share it with a friend, share it with a loved one, and make sure you leave those reviews and ratings, because that’s how more people discover this podcast.

 

00;39;19;15 – 00;39;22;00

Dr. Mona

And I will talk to another parent next week.