We’ve all been there. Our kids are loud. Whether it is laughter, yelling, screaming of joy, or tantrums. Their volumes seem to be set very high. It’s very natural, but I discuss with Christina-a mom from the PDT community-on how to navigate this. We discuss:

• Why loudness is so triggering
• How to approach it from a mindset shift as a parent
• 3 Strategies to reduce the volume in your home

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00;00;00;02 – 00;00;17;03

Dr. Mona

Right now I’m in a situation where my child is yelling in the car, what am I going to do about it? I have to really accept the reality, like I said earlier, that this is what it is. My child is yelling in the car and I have two ways of controlling it now. I can either get upset with him or I can be the calm and say, okay, you’re upset.

 

00;00;17;08 – 00;00;34;03

Dr. Mona

I can’t control anything right now because I’m driving a car, but we are going to get through this. Maybe it’s music, maybe we turn it on. So just add some energy. Maybe that music is making me more stimulated and it’s not helping me right now. And so I’ll turn it off and just sit in silence in my brain, obviously, while that kid is yelling.

 

00;00;34;04 – 00;00;48;03

Dr. Mona

And that is like the true test of getting to a level of like tolerating this when you’re able to just sit in a quiet car while your child’s yelling and say, I’m going to get home, I got to get home safe, I’m going to drive this car. We’re going to get home. We’re going to get out. We’re going to stretch our legs.

 

00;00;48;03 – 00;01;10;29

Dr. Mona

We’re going to give a big hug. You know, if they’re having a meltdown, just show some physical connection and it really can help sort of get through these moments. Welcome back to Monday Mornings with Doctor Mona. This series is where I get to chat with parents in the doctor community. And in this series for this season, I’m doing things slightly different.

 

00;01;11;01 – 00;01;30;02

Dr. Mona

I’m going to be inviting parents to come on to chat with me directly about concerns they have about parenting, development, mindset, whatever it may be. But I’m also going to be answering questions for people who do not want to come on the show, but do have some really great questions. So if you want to be involved in any way, have a question for me.

 

00;01;30;10 – 00;01;51;24

Dr. Mona

Make sure you sign up for my newsletter, which is how you stay up to date on all of the things I do at PedsDocTalk, and also when I ask parents to come on the show, or if you have any questions on this episode, I am talking with a mom, Christina, about that frustration when your children are just really loud and overstimulating.

 

00;01;51;26 – 00;02;09;25

Dr. Mona

Make sure you listen to our entire conversation, including the end where I wrap up the conversation with three parenting principles or overall mindset principles to approach those loud moments with your children.

 

00;02;09;28 – 00;02;16;03

Dr. Mona

Hello, Christina, thank you for joining me on the show today. So tell me, what is on your mind today as a mom?

 

00;02;16;05 – 00;02;25;25

Christina

Hey, thanks for having me. I am just overwhelmed with the loudness in my house, with all of my kids and what I can do to help manage that.

 

00;02;26;02 – 00;02;28;10

Dr. Mona

Oh yes. And how many children do you have?

 

00;02;28;12 – 00;02;32;19

Christina

I have three, I have two year old twin boys and a five year old.

 

00;02;32;22 – 00;02;48;14

Dr. Mona

And I’d like to say that, you know. Oh, yeah, the age is there that they’re going to be more loud. But I feel like any time you add any number of children, whether they are, you know, two five year old or teenagers, maybe not teenagers, teenagers are more quiet and reserved, but maybe, like, you’re, you know, young, school age, definitely, definitely loud.

 

00;02;48;14 – 00;03;01;05

Dr. Mona

And you have one child already. It’s going to be loud, but three total totally understand the overstimulation that you’re experiencing. What has been the I guess, hardest? Or let’s use the word frustrating aspect of this issue.

 

00;03;01;08 – 00;03;11;22

Christina

It just gets so loud that I cannot hear myself think. And my husband and I only have so much time together and we can’t even have a conversation. It’s so loud.

 

00;03;11;24 – 00;03;35;17

Dr. Mona

I hear this. Okay, so one thing I want to remind our listeners today, I did record an episode with a, Doctor Cassidy, who’s one of my favorite accounts on social media about overstimulation. It’s episode 132 is back in August of 2020 to really encourage you all to listen to that episode, because I’m not going to go into as deep detail as we did on that episode, but it really is useful.

 

00;03;35;17 – 00;03;55;01

Dr. Mona

On why overstimulation, which is what we’re talking about here, is so triggering and exhausting. I mean, I’ve been there and then, like I said, you’re just trying to have an adult conversation. You’re just trying to think your own thoughts. And there’s just three people loud children, right? Talking, yelling, screaming, singing, whatever it is, even if it’s joyous. Right.

 

00;03;55;05 – 00;04;01;19

Dr. Mona

And then you add in if they’re having a tantrum, I mean, forget it. It’s like emotions in parenting are wild, and I’m sure you can agree with that.

 

00;04;01;22 – 00;04;02;13

Christina

Yes.

 

00;04;02;15 – 00;04;18;26

Dr. Mona

Yeah. So in these situations, let’s maybe think of a last situation that this happened. So we can kind of get into a scenario which I’m sure will all relate to where you felt this, or you felt like they were really loud and you felt overwhelmed. And just it could be a very simple situation the last time it happened.

 

00;04;18;29 – 00;04;34;01

Christina

I mean, just even last night, dinner, sitting at dinner, they were giggling. They were laughing, they were having fun. They were talking to each other, which I like to hear, but I couldn’t even get one’s attention just to say, hey, calm down a little bit. It’s getting way too loud in here.

 

00;04;34;08 – 00;04;45;13

Dr. Mona

Yeah. And especially around when all of them are together. Are the two you have two year old twins, right? Yes. Are they, in school? No daycare or anything, but, no. Is a five year old yet or not yet?

 

00;04;45;13 – 00;04;47;17

Christina

She is. Yeah. She’s in kindergarten this year.

 

00;04;47;20 – 00;05;12;27

Dr. Mona

All the kids are together at the dinner table, and it’s just a very exciting time. You know, you’re describing a very common situation, and I’m happy that you did say the scenario, because I’m sure all of us listening can relate to that loud end of day, when you’re just so tired by the end of the day where all of that stimulation from the day is now adding up, where I use the term witching hour, like we all, even as parents, we’re just over it.

 

00;05;12;27 – 00;05;38;05

Dr. Mona

Like we’re just tired, fatigued. You just want to have a quiet meal sometimes and you just can’t because there’s a bunch of children. So the first thing we have to kind of remember is realizing just where we are at and kind of accepting the reality for what it is that, okay, it’s dinnertime, they’re going to be loud. I can try some of the strategies we’ll talk about, but I have to also accept that, okay, this is just how it is with these kids.

 

00;05;38;05 – 00;05;55;20

Dr. Mona

And I have to kind of accept that this is what it’s going to be, but how can I sort of channel that sort of calm and peace? And I’ve been there where I’m literally listening. You mentioned that you’re trying to talk to your husband about something simple, and then maybe the children, do they interrupt you or they’re just talking so loud that you can’t even hear what your husband is saying?

 

00;05;55;23 – 00;06;09;00

Christina

It’s a little bit of both. They will be off playing and you just it’s too loud. You can’t hear over anything. And then all of a sudden they’re interrupting and then they’re back to loud, and then the tantrums come and it’s just everything all in one.

 

00;06;09;02 – 00;06;28;22

Dr. Mona

Yeah. I think one of the biggest things for this sort of loudness, and it doesn’t always mean that this is the reason. But one of the big things I always like to say is I’m speaking loud on this podcast, but I’m actually a very loud person as it is like by nature, I speak very loud. I’m very animated, and in some degree it’s really cool, right?

 

00;06;28;22 – 00;06;47;27

Dr. Mona

Because it’s fun. Like I’m animated, I’m fun, but, it’s kind of what ryaan also learns to, to speak with that same volume. So one of the biggest tips I have is just kind of modeling behavior. So like teaching by example. So not using very loud voices in the house or other places that you don’t want your child to be so loud.

 

00;06;47;27 – 00;07;15;00

Dr. Mona

This is not an instantaneous thing. You’re not going to do this. And then all of a sudden they’re going to be like, oh, I got to be quiet, but almost like bringing down the volume more and more like, you know, when they go high, you go low. It’s like the phrase that has nothing to do with this, but just to kind of a good description of like really sort of bringing down the volume versus I get when they’re yelling and it’s loud, we want to yell back because we feel like we can’t be heard, but it’s almost like just saying, hey, we’re being really loud.

 

00;07;15;00 – 00;07;26;24

Dr. Mona

I’m just bringing down your voice to a very low tone and bringing down that energy vibe. Like the big excitement energy, I don’t know, do you or your husband, are you generally loud animated people or not?

 

00;07;26;24 – 00;07;38;07

Christina

Really, yes, I am, but extremely. I remember my parents always telling me when I was in school, like, why describe this exact thing to them? They’re like, well, welcome to what we went to. And I’m like, really? How? Yeah.

 

00;07;38;13 – 00;07;55;25

Dr. Mona

And I’m not saying I’m like I said from the beginning, I’m not saying that this is the reason why your children are loud. Children are loud, okay? Like children are loud, even if they have parents who are more lower volume speaking. And that’s fine. But it adds to it, right? Because they get that energy. And I relate to that because I also am a very loud person.

 

00;07;55;25 – 00;08;12;18

Dr. Mona

I speak just very loud. And my husband’s always like, why are you talking so loud? Like, I like, I’m recording this podcast and I’m sure he can hear me down the stairs like I speak very loudly. And so really, it’s really modeling that behavior and teaching by example. And that’s going to take a lot of work on my end and your end.

 

00;08;12;18 – 00;08;33;09

Dr. Mona

But it’s doable of really trying to remember when you’re getting not even just when they’re loud in general. Right. Like when you’re talking to your husband, like, and you are speaking to him and it is quiet, right? Like, just say they are playing. There’s a moment. Are you speaking very loudly? What is your tone of voice really, really getting some insight into how we are speaking in the home, right?

 

00;08;33;09 – 00;08;51;12

Dr. Mona

Do we shout a lot? And it’s not. I’m not saying like anger, I’m talking just the volume of our voice. Like when we just naturally are speaking. Are we shouting? Are we just speaking at a normal speaking volume? Because that is something that they’re also really going to pick up on. And I again, resonate so deeply with you because I am the loud one in the couple.

 

00;08;51;21 – 00;09;12;02

Dr. Mona

My husband is more of the softer spoken when I say that, just like the volume he speaks with is very, almost like a dinner volume, right? Like, at a restaurant where I’m like, speaking like I’m at a party, like. And I think maybe you can relate to that. Yeah. So you want to really, again, both caregivers this is a lot of work on our end to kind of really have that insight.

 

00;09;12;02 – 00;09;31;10

Dr. Mona

But trying to start now, speaking at a normal you’re at a restaurant volume and I get it that it’s going to feel like, well then they’re not going to hear me. I’m just talking about the normal speaking volume we have in our house. Of course, you’re going to then do something, which is a really cool strategy of getting loud on purpose.

 

00;09;31;10 – 00;09;48;07

Dr. Mona

I’m sure you’ve heard this. This is very common and it’s like a game that you’re playing, right? So like when it is time to get really loud, you know, like we’re going to say, okay, we’re going to turn on some music. And when we turn on the music, we’re going to dance and we’re going to sing and we’re going to get really, really loud, and then we’re going to also practice getting really, really quiet.

 

00;09;48;14 – 00;10;11;00

Dr. Mona

Right? So with kids, especially in this age, you know, you’re not going to really be able to do this with like a teenager because they’re going to be like, mom, what are you doing? But these young kids that are really into games, really trying to get loud on purpose, but then also saying we’re going into a whispering game, we’re going to be very, very quiet and we’re going to teach, you know, you’re going to basically teach them about the whispering and how this is pretty cool and you’re reinforcing that, right?

 

00;10;11;17 – 00;10;25;05

Dr. Mona

And it’s going to be something really like really fun. You’re going to be like, okay, now let’s all practice getting really, really loud, like get really, really loud and let’s all get really, really quiet. Who can be the most quiet? Oh, I don’t think you’re going to be the most quiet. And then you use a little bit of reverse psychology.

 

00;10;25;09 – 00;10;40;18

Dr. Mona

Are you going to be quiet or is it going to be your sister? Oh, who’s going to be the most quiet? And it’s going to be, you know, they may start giggling, but you’re kind of making this that hey, it’s okay to be loud at certain times in our house, but then we’re also going to practice being really, really quiet.

 

00;10;40;18 – 00;11;00;08

Dr. Mona

And another thing I would, I don’t know if you ever get to the point where sometimes you’re trying to tell them, hey, let’s use softer voices or anything like that. Some terminology that you can use and help them learn is instead of saying indoor or outdoor voices, sometimes we tend to say that, right? Like, hey, it’s we’re being too loud.

 

00;11;00;09 – 00;11;17;11

Dr. Mona

Time to use our indoor voices. That’s actually confusing, because sometimes we can be loud indoors and sometimes we can be quiet outdoors. Right? So instead we’re going to say we’re going to be quiet or, you know, we’re going to use quiet and loud voices, right? Rather than saying indoor outdoor, because I see a lot of parents do that in my office.

 

00;11;17;16 – 00;11;33;12

Dr. Mona

They’ll say, hey, we have to use indoor voices. Children don’t understand that because, like, there’s going to be confusing times for them where they’re going to be at a concert and they’re going to be able to yell and that’s indoors, or they’re going to be outdoors at a park and there’s some sort of service happening. And they have like a wedding, right?

 

00;11;33;16 – 00;11;53;16

Dr. Mona

And they have to be quiet. So I love to use like the terminology quiet and loud and getting that into their head that we’re going to be quiet and loud. And a lot of it may be these games that we play with them. And that’s about keeping it light, right? That I know that in the situations that you’re having at dinner time, this is a it’s a hard time because you’re just so overstimulated.

 

00;11;53;16 – 00;12;12;03

Dr. Mona

I’ve been there. But I’m talking about just generally throughout the day, like we’re going to try practicing being very quiet. And you can even try that at dinner, like see if those games help. They may not want to do it and then you can’t force it, right? Like you can’t be like, come on, come on, but try to see if we can say, hey, the key here is to keep it very light.

 

00;12;12;03 – 00;12;37;03

Dr. Mona

So there’s a difference between saying, okay everyone, everyone’s being really loud right now and mommy can’t think versus hey, I feel like everyone’s really excited. Let’s play a game who can stay quiet the longest, right? So you see the difference that both of them, we want our kids to be quiet, right? One of them is coming from a place of I’m frustrated and you all are really annoying me, which let’s be honest, innately that or that.

 

00;12;37;08 – 00;12;52;03

Dr. Mona

Deep down that could be the reason why you want them to be quiet. When we make it known that that’s the reason to them it doesn’t feel good. Number one, which I would feel the same way if someone’s telling me to quiet down like, oh shoot. But also adding lightness to it makes it feel less stressful for them.

 

00;12;52;03 – 00;13;18;25

Dr. Mona

Like, oh, okay. Oh yeah, I’m very loud. And we’re like, we’re going to play a game. We’re going to be really, really quiet right now. So trying to keep that lightheartedness. And that’s why it goes back to like really, really recognizing those triggers, right. Episode 132 like the overstimulation that I have been there where I think the last time this happened for me, again, I only have one kid and it is loud, and then the dog starts barking and you’re just like, oh my gosh, like everyone just needs to stop stimulating my brain.

 

00;13;19;01 – 00;13;33;10

Dr. Mona

And I’ve been there were. And also I had a phase. And I’m not sure if your two year olds or even your five year old does this, where every time I’m trying to talk to my husband, that’s when they get louder, right? I don’t know, do you get that often, or, is that just it just varies. It’s always loud.

 

00;13;34;03 – 00;13;40;20

Christina

I guess I’ve never really thought about it, but I’m sure it’s just. It’s just always loud. And I’m sure it does, but. Yes.

 

00;13;40;22 – 00;14;00;27

Dr. Mona

And that. So when that happens, you know, with three children, it can be a little more difficult. But, if it’s something important that you have to speak to your husband about right then and there, right, like it’s something that, hey, there’s an emergency or something like that, then maybe you’re going to have to pull yourself and, you know, kind of say it or, and again, get close to your husband, lower your volume and model that lowering of the volume.

 

00;14;00;27 – 00;14;20;04

Dr. Mona

Right. Because what happens just by human nature, you may want to yell at your husband to get the point across because your children are yelling. But then now you just modeled to your kids that I’m just going to yell over you. So versus I’m going to get, you know, you’re just going to get really quiet. You have to me, you might have to get close to your husband and whisper in his ear just so he can hear you.

 

00;14;20;20 – 00;14;34;26

Dr. Mona

But that’s kind of what I’ve had to learn to do sometimes when it’s just extremely loud. Or just tell my husband, hey, you know, I want to talk about this really important thing, but right now it’s just a lot of noise and I can’t hear you. We’ll just talk about it later. And it really is the tone of voice that you’re speaking.

 

00;14;34;26 – 00;15;01;28

Dr. Mona

Because our kids are extremely observant. And I knew this before having a son, but I see it so much that if I’m yelling at my husband to because I can’t hear, then of course, and ryaan will see that and be like, oh, okay, so let’s just all yell to get our point across, right? Versus getting really quiet. He’s seeing me get very close to my husband to say something into his ear, can be helpful and if it isn’t, you’re getting interrupted by one, 2 or 3 of your kids.

 

00;15;02;01 – 00;15;21;17

Dr. Mona

It’s really just putting your hand on them gently, right? Like showing them that you care about them and are connecting and say, hey, I’m using ryaan because that’s my son’s name. Hey, ryaan, I think you want to tell mommy something, but right now, mommy is talking to daddy, and I can see that you really want to talk to me, too, and that you don’t like when mommy’s talking to daddy and not talking to you.

 

00;15;21;21 – 00;15;41;00

Dr. Mona

Because my son gets a little bit FOMO when I’m speaking to my husband and he’s not in the conversation. So that is when his volume starts to rise even more so that scenario is happening. Maybe for you or any of our listeners really try to stop the conversation with the adult in the room and recognize the child and say to them, hey, I see what you’re doing.

 

00;15;41;00 – 00;15;58;19

Dr. Mona

So that is what they’re looking for. They’re looking for acknowledgment. They’re looking for connection, they’re looking for to be seen. And if you just give them that moment with time, they’re going to start to realize, okay, mommy is talking to daddy. I gotta just figure that out and wait. And it’s not going to be an instantaneous thing all the time, but it’s taking a lot of repetition for us to get here.

 

00;15;58;19 – 00;16;16;02

Dr. Mona

Where now, if I’m talking to my husband, I can turn to ryaan and say what I just said so that he gets it, that I will be with him. I’m not going away. We obviously love him, but Mommy and Daddy are also having a conversation, and I’m going to be honest, that is my frustrating aspect of this, is that literally I’m like, can I ever have a conversation with another adult now that I’m a mom?

 

00;16;16;02 – 00;16;18;16

Dr. Mona

Like, is that ever going to happen again?

 

00;16;18;18 – 00;16;28;19

Christina

It makes sense. A lot of sense it. Yeah, a lot of times things too. For us, it happens in the car and I’m like, I can’t hear and there’s nowhere to go. Yeah.

 

00;16;28;21 – 00;16;47;03

Dr. Mona

Oh I love this example. And but yes, you’ve been there where it’s just literally like, you feel like triggered by that big tantrum or those big feelings. And then when you’re in a car, you have nowhere to go. Like you said, you feel like, you know, if you’re in a house, maybe you can go to the bathroom or step away if your partner is there or go upstairs.

 

00;16;47;03 – 00;17;08;01

Dr. Mona

But in a car you have nowhere to escape. So some things that really help in that situation is controlling what you can control. So that means if the music is on loud, that may mean turning down that, because you may not be able to control your children’s volume like you can’t shut them up, right? You can’t like turn the remote on them so at least turning off any stimulation that you can control.

 

00;17;08;01 – 00;17;26;12

Dr. Mona

So if it’s the music, turning down the music, if it’s your volume, really recognizing that the only way that we’re going to really be able to bring some calmness is for us to be calm as well. And that goes against everything, like I said, that we’d want to do. Because when people are yelling or upset, it feels like you want to speak louder.

 

00;17;26;12 – 00;17;51;28

Dr. Mona

But that means really either just telling you if you just say you’re driving with your husband, really just saying, okay, we’re going to continue this conversation later. I’m just going to sit right here and just take some deep breaths and if it’s you alone, like, just say you’re driving and you have all three children in the backseat, it’s about really either turning down the music, if that’s, triggering or on a flip side, turning up the music and just singing along with the music in a very joyous way.

 

00;17;51;28 – 00;18;11;08

Dr. Mona

Not an angry way. I’m talking like, let’s just have some fun going back to the bringing some lightness into the situation. Right? So if they’re getting really loud and triggering to you, sometimes I use the music as a way of helping me cope with that loudness, because you can’t tell them to start talking. You have no control over what they’re doing, right?

 

00;18;11;08 – 00;18;26;21

Dr. Mona

You don’t want to get mad, you don’t want to yell. But sometimes the music is like that buffer of, okay, let’s just sing a song together until you get home and music has a way, if you like a song, of making you feel like a lot more lighthearted and again, just taking out a lot of that stress from the situation.

 

00;18;26;21 – 00;18;50;22

Dr. Mona

Because the bottom line of all of this is trying to reduce our desire to react, our desire to yell, our desire to get so angry in the situation because of how stimulating it is, and trying to bring that energy level down. And that may be with the music, that may be through just being very quiet and verbalizing with your children and just say they are having a tantrum in the car.

 

00;18;51;09 – 00;19;05;14

Dr. Mona

ryaan, I see that you’re really upset right now. Mommy’s driving. I can’t pick up your toy, but I love you. That’s it. Like, sometimes it means that and they continue to cry. It doesn’t mean that they’re going to stop crying. But they continue to cry and cry. And then you can pause a little bit, just not talk.

 

00;19;05;18 – 00;19;24;07

Dr. Mona

Say it again after a few minutes. I know you’re upset. Mommy’s driving. We’re almost home. I love you very much because, you know, some parents will stop the car. All of that. But no, like, we don’t want to teach them that this is such a big no. We’re going to get home. You’re totally safe. Like, obviously you’re looking if they are safe, which I’m sure they are, and then you’re just going to get to your destination.

 

00;19;24;07 – 00;19;41;18

Dr. Mona

When they get to the destination. You can handle the tantrum when you get there. But this has taken a lot of really in that moment. Like I said earlier, telling yourself, okay, right now I’m in a situation where my child is yelling in the car, what am I going to do about it? I have to really accept the reality, like I said earlier, that this is what it is.

 

00;19;41;18 – 00;19;57;01

Dr. Mona

My child is yelling in the car and I have two ways of controlling it now. I can either get upset with him or I can be the calm and say, okay, you’re upset. I can’t control anything right now because I’m driving a car. But we are going to get through this. Maybe it’s music, maybe we turn it on.

 

00;19;57;01 – 00;20;18;28

Dr. Mona

So just add some energy. Maybe that music is making me more stimulated and it’s not helping me right now. And so I’ll turn it off and just sit in silence in my brain, obviously, while that kid is yelling. And that is like the true test of getting to a level of like tolerating this when you’re able to just sit in a quiet car while your child’s yelling and say, I’m going to get home, I got to get home safe, I’m going to drive this car.

 

00;20;18;29 – 00;20;34;16

Dr. Mona

We’re going to get home. We’re going to get out. We’re going to stretch our legs. We’re going to give a big hug. You know, if they’re having a meltdown, just show some physical connection and it really can help sort of get through these moments. Because I know I gave some tips on kind of lowering the volume, you know, playing some games.

 

00;20;34;16 – 00;20;46;01

Dr. Mona

But another aspect of that is really just sort of how are we going to cope with this overall feeling of overwhelm, which is a hard reality for, I think, so many people who are tuning in and for me and you as well.

 

00;20;46;03 – 00;21;03;03

Christina

Yeah, I would agree. And the music makes sense. It does. A lot of times here at school when I teach my kids, I will sing my directions, and when they’re in, that thing just kind of sing to them. And it does. So remembering, does it actually just take that home with me to, to my own kids? It would be good.

 

00;21;03;05 – 00;21;28;03

Dr. Mona

Absolutely. And you know, I have done an episode about verbalization before, but I cannot express how much verbalizing and again sing songy voices. When you’re stressed, it sounds if you see someone do it from the outside, you’re like, why are they singing like, what’s going on? But it’s a very calming thing. Like, I remember when like, you know, it was even like when ryaan was colicky when he was a infant, you know, had those episodes.

 

00;21;28;09 – 00;21;47;00

Dr. Mona

I would just start to really sing to myself or talk to myself. Right. And also, he’s a baby at that point. He doesn’t really understand what I’m saying. But I do believe that by talking it out in a calm tone, like, really just saying, I see you’re really upset. Oh, everyone’s really loud right now. Everyone’s really excited. Oh, why are we having so much energy today?

 

00;21;47;00 – 00;22;07;02

Dr. Mona

Right. Like in a very non sarcastic way. Just verbalize what you’re seeing. Right. So just say at the dinner table all your kids are going back to that example. All your kids are active saying, wow, all of you are so excited today. Why is everyone so excited? Like engaging them in the experience of why am I so stimulated right now, right?

 

00;22;07;02 – 00;22;23;00

Dr. Mona

And your five year old will probably be able to talk to you about that. Your two year olds, depending on their language skills, but really just sort of acknowledging the loudness and interacting with them because sometimes they do these things. It’s not a tantrum like the yelling at the dinner table and being like, laughing. They’re just having fun.

 

00;22;23;00 – 00;22;39;10

Dr. Mona

And when they realize that, oh yeah, mommy has my attention here and she’s engaging with me, you may see that it starts to kind of calm down, because now you have the control a little bit over the conversation, right? Like you are engaging in them and saying, oh, wow, this is a really everyone’s just so excited. What do I need to know?

 

00;22;39;11 – 00;23;00;03

Dr. Mona

Like asking your five year old, like, why are you so excited today? What did you do at school? Like, you must have had a really fun day today. And it may mean singing. It may mean being extra animated in a fun way, but as a fellow animated person, it really takes that knowledge of saying, okay, how am I going to choose to respond in this situation?

 

00;23;00;03 – 00;23;19;20

Dr. Mona

And it’s a split second thing, and sometimes we’re not going to do that what we want to do, right? Sometimes we’ll raise our voices, to be completely honest here, sometimes we are going to bring the volume up when in reality we should probably bring the volume down. We are human. That is okay, but it’s really looking at that overall big picture of, okay, how am I going to lower this volume in my house?

 

00;23;19;24 – 00;23;37;06

Dr. Mona

How am I going to bring this sort of calm energy? And it might mean, you know, if you guys listen to music at the dinner table, switching the music out, like, well, we listened to classical music at dinner, and I can’t stand you as someone who understands music, I can’t stress enough how much it’s helped us at dinner time.

 

00;23;37;10 – 00;23;59;08

Dr. Mona

Initially, ryaan would say, I want to listen to my music, right? And we say, ryaan, we’re listening to Mommy and Daddy’s music today. Later in the morning, we can listen to your music, right? But it really helps because that music just as a whole vibe really calms us down. Especially me being the loud one. And also keeps the energy light and keeps the energy calm at dinner time.

 

00;23;59;08 – 00;24;09;08

Dr. Mona

So just some strategies to try. And it really just depends on what you and your partner want. Obviously the nature of the, you know, your kids and what they want. But I think these strategies can really help.

 

00;24;09;10 – 00;24;17;22

Christina

Oh, I would agree. I mean, I would love to bring that music to the dinner table. I’ve never even thought about that, or just even turning it on when the noise is too much for some background noise.

 

00;24;17;27 – 00;24;38;29

Dr. Mona

Yeah. And also, like I said, not only can it just help the environment that’s happening with the loudness, but it’s really more a lot of the things we do as parents, we’re doing to help ourselves. Like, I don’t think we realize so much of what we do is so that we can stay calm and composed. Like I’ve realized that as someone who is, like I said, the more loud one, the one who tends to be more, what are we doing?

 

00;24;38;29 – 00;25;03;28

Dr. Mona

Like, why are you. You know, I’ve really learned that by doing this, all the things that I’m telling you in this episode and this conversation, it really has helped to bring down that sort of that energy where it’s okay to be loud, it’s okay at some points that we’re going to have this excitement, but we’re trying to figure out this way of teaching them, when is it okay to be really loud and really quiet and going back to using quiet and loud terminology versus inside?

 

00;25;03;28 – 00;25;23;05

Dr. Mona

Outside voices is one thing that I think can just really help when we are trying to teach them in certain situations, right? Like and we have to also respect the fact that for your age of your children, it’s not an overnight thing that we’re going to teach them that we’re supposed to be quiet in libraries, you know, like giving an example, that we’re supposed to be quiet in certain situations.

 

00;25;23;08 – 00;25;38;25

Dr. Mona

But it’s really about when that’s happening. Like if we’re trying to teach our children about being quiet in a library. As an example, right before we get into the library, right, like in the car, explaining to them that we’re going to go to a library and everyone’s going to be really quiet so that they can read and relax.

 

00;25;38;25 – 00;26;01;01

Dr. Mona

So why don’t we get really excited right now before, like, you’re playing a game right? Let’s get really loud on purpose. Let’s get really, really excited, really loud. And then when we get into the library, I want to see who can stay quiet the longest. Right? So again, trying to encourage that. And when they do, when they just say they are quiet in the library and if they don’t, we don’t want to be negative reinforcement, but to say they are quiet, we want to really celebrate that.

 

00;26;01;01 – 00;26;21;13

Dr. Mona

Hey ryaan, I saw that you were really quiet today in the library. Thank you so much for being quiet. So again, going back to the positive reinforcement, because it is about teaching children boundaries, right? Because we have to teach them that sometimes we’re not supposed to be yelling, sometimes we’re not supposed to be quiet. Right? That there are situations that you can be loud and quiet.

 

00;26;21;19 – 00;26;26;19

Dr. Mona

And these are just some strategies adding in that example of going to the library that I think can help as well.

 

00;26;26;21 – 00;26;45;07

Christina

Yes. And I tried to do and I wish I could give proper credit, but I don’t know where exactly. I sighed, but someone had was on there with some Instagram account without you listen outside, you stop and you listen and we try to match our voices to what we hear. And so we tried to do that. But it’s like my kids know that, oh, it’s really quiet.

 

00;26;45;07 – 00;26;51;00

Christina

And then as soon as we get in the door, oh chaos. Cause I said my loud.

 

00;26;51;03 – 00;27;06;03

Dr. Mona

Yeah, it’s definitely. And it’s also, again, all of these strategies are not a perfect science, right? It’s all just kind of trying some different things. Right. And also the temperament of your kid really matters. You have twins, but one twin could be like, oh, let me listen and let me play this game. And another kid’s like, I don’t care.

 

00;27;06;03 – 00;27;11;13

Dr. Mona

Like I don’t have any. This doesn’t really affect me, but it is about knowing those strategies. I wonder if it was busy, toddler was a baby.

 

00;27;11;13 – 00;27;26;01

Christina

It could have been. It was. It could have been. I follow her and then I follow somebody else to, Kristen Russell. Asynchronous is here. And so one of those two I just built really good accounts, but I’m like, hey, wish I could give this that I try, but oh.

 

00;27;26;06 – 00;27;45;19

Dr. Mona

Yeah, it’s so hard. And in the end of the day, remember that it’s really just about figuring out what works for the situation you’re in, right? Like that may work for if it’s a one on one situation with one child. But just so you have three kids in tow, like it really? Again, all these tips that we hear on this podcast, on social media, everything is all about okay, this sounds like it’s something I could implement.

 

00;27;45;27 – 00;28;02;18

Dr. Mona

Like I always tell parents, like, I think it’s so important to listen to everything I talk about on this podcast, but I don’t want you to think that you do anything you hear in a course or a podcast episode or a social media, and this is going to be the fix all end all, because then when it doesn’t work, you we feel bad.

 

00;28;02;18 – 00;28;25;01

Dr. Mona

We feel like, well, what’s wrong with my kid? What’s wrong with me when that’s actually not the case? It’s literally situation. Maybe there was a different stimulus there. Like there’s so many variables to parenting, right? There’s so many variables to a situation. So it’s really about like I said, I love sharing these tips because maybe these tips are things that you may not have heard of or you have heard of and you’re like, oh yeah, maybe in a different way.

 

00;28;25;06 – 00;28;41;01

Dr. Mona

Or maybe people listening are like, oh yeah, I never even thought about that. And I’m sure I’ll hear other tips about what we’re talking about. Be like, oh, that makes sense. Or no, that will work for us, you know? And and that’s what I love about parenting. I mean, I know it’s so rough in terms of the overstimulation.

 

00;28;41;01 – 00;28;57;13

Dr. Mona

I know it’s a lot of work, but I kind of look at it and I think this helps as a mindset thing overall, and also for what we’re talking about, to kind of tell ourselves, I’m really just doing my best right now. In this moment, I am going to handle this, and I am going to really celebrate when I handled it differently than I did in the past.

 

00;28;57;13 – 00;29;16;00

Dr. Mona

Like just say there’s a day where normally you would yell in a car if your children are loud, right? And then one day, that day you are super calm. I want you to really celebrate yourself and say, oh my gosh, like I did that today. Like today when you go to bed, like you’re gonna say, well, like my kids were really stimulating me and normally I tend to get very upset.

 

00;29;16;02 – 00;29;34;29

Dr. Mona

But today I actually somehow was very calm. I somehow just got through it and I’m really proud of myself. And sometimes we forget to celebrate the things that we do, like that as parents, but it really can help us so that we understand that this is a growing situation for us too. Nothing is perfect and we’re just doing our best.

 

00;29;34;29 – 00;29;51;14

Dr. Mona

And lastly, that we can’t control everything our children will do. You know, I think as parents we feel like, okay, if I do this and my kid’s going to be always quiet, well behaved, you know, their children, they’re meant to test their boundaries. They’re meant to figure out, where am I supposed to do things, where am I not supposed to do things?

 

00;29;51;14 – 00;30;05;22

Dr. Mona

And it’s us who has to teach them those things, right? And it can be a very daunting task. But when you start to look at it as, okay, this is an opportunity to teach my kid, we’re going to figure it out. It’s not going to be perfect. It’s going to be a little messy. And that is okay. That is where I feel like we can let go.

 

00;30;05;22 – 00;30;16;16

Dr. Mona

So much of that stress up. It has to be the certain way. My kid’s not paying attention. It’s all me. I’m not setting good boundaries. It’s really just more about, okay, I got this. We’re going to do this together.

 

00;30;16;19 – 00;30;30;27

Christina

I agree, and I think a lot for me too, when we go out. And that’s where I think it triggers me the most is when we’re in the store, we’re in a restaurant or we’re somewhere and it’s like, can you just sit down and be quiet, please? Like everybody around us doesn’t want to hear this. And yeah, so I would definitely agree.

 

00;30;30;29 – 00;30;47;17

Dr. Mona

And using yeah, using restaurants as a final example. We’re in Florida. So it’s very easy for us to do this, which I know is not the case wherever if you’re not located in a warm climate, we tend to like to always sit outside if there’s heat lamps in a colder climate or if it’s, you know, obviously Florida, where it’s not so cold at all.

 

00;30;48;03 – 00;31;07;02

Dr. Mona

Because it just disperses the noise a little bit more because of course, kids are loud. And if you’re inside, you know, it’s really hard to go solo with three children, you know? But, you know, if you are, if you have a partner utilizing it ends up being utilizing one of the partners. Like if we’ve been there where either me or my husband will take the kids out, who are having a harder time to say they’re having a tantrum.

 

00;31;07;15 – 00;31;29;09

Dr. Mona

This happened actually a week ago. We went to dinner and ryaan’s actually gotten really good at restaurants. Like indoor restaurants. Outdoor doesn’t matter. But for some reason, he was having the worst day he’s ever had in terms of emotional regulation, where every strategy that we normally use was just not working. And I later found out that he was unwell, like he had a runny nose and he had a low grade fever.

 

00;31;29;12 – 00;31;42;28

Dr. Mona

But at that point I didn’t know that. Right. So in my head, me and my husband looked at each other and we felt like, what is going on? What’s wrong? Like what’s wrong with us? Like we can’t even control the situation. And then my husband said it perfectly. He’s like, he’s a kid. I mean, what can we do?

 

00;31;42;28 – 00;31;57;03

Dr. Mona

We got to figure this out and move to the situation. So we would take turns. He would take him outside so I could eat. We were with a family, like a extended family. And so then and then he would come back. I would take him out or my mother in law took him out, so that everyone could finish eating.

 

00;31;57;03 – 00;32;14;13

Dr. Mona

And it wasn’t the ideal situation for a meal where everyone was eating and happy. And that’s okay. But it happens, right? We can’t. Again, I couldn’t control how he would act in a restaurant. Would he be quiet? Would he be listening to everything? Would he not throw the plate? You know, like all of these things where it never happens.

 

00;32;14;13 – 00;32;32;01

Dr. Mona

But it happened and I’m like, wow. So it’s really important. I like to have these conversations on this podcast to talk about the issues that we just discussed, but also just kind of remind everyone, including yourself and myself, even sometimes, that we’re all just getting through this. We’re all just trying our best. We listen to the strategies, we implement them.

 

00;32;32;07 – 00;32;48;23

Dr. Mona

The goal here is to try to implement them, but don’t feel like you’re a failure, or that your kid’s not doing what they’re supposed to do. Whatever. If it doesn’t work, you know? So I do think that this stuff, all the other knowledge that you have, can really help these situations to approach these loudness that we all feel triggered by because I’ve been there.

 

00;32;48;25 – 00;32;55;20

Dr. Mona

Thank you. Yeah. Well, Christina, I hope this was helpful. Any other follow up question that you have?

 

00;32;55;22 – 00;33;06;28

Christina

No. I think I’m just excited to remember to bring some of those back and just that calmness in myself, which I know I’m not a very calm person. So during the breather, I myself will go a long way with my kids.

 

00;33;07;05 – 00;33;27;10

Dr. Mona

Yes. And again, I love chatting with moms about this when we can really connect about what you just mentioned, like the self insights. I am a very self insight type person. As people know, if you’re following me on my podcast, but also on my course, everything like that, I think it’s just so important to really step back and think, is it the situation or and is it me?

 

00;33;27;10 – 00;33;49;05

Dr. Mona

Right. Like meaning is it how I’m responding? Because I always say, like, I see some moms in my office who have six children who are literally cool as a cucumber when their children are raising their voices. And I’m like, so it’s all about how we approach situations. A lot of the times, yes, environment matters too, but it’s really about saying, okay, well, I’m in control of me and only me.

 

00;33;49;05 – 00;34;04;25

Dr. Mona

I would love to control everyone around me. I would love if my children listen to everything I say. Was quiet when I wanted them to be quiet, but we can’t do that. So I love that you are looking inside yourself because as a fellow recovering loud person, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being loud.

 

00;34;04;28 – 00;34;20;22

Dr. Mona

Like, let’s be honest here. It’s really like, I feel like very high energy. But yeah, certain times I don’t need to be loud. Like, I recognize that certain times I need to bring down my volume. And it’s really important that you have that self inside. So I love that. I love that we got that breakthrough today and just really enjoy talking to you.

 

00;34;20;25 – 00;34;25;08

Christina

You too. Thank you.

 

00;34;25;10 – 00;34;44;09

Dr. Mona

I’m sure you can relate to the conversation that me and Christina had because we’ve all been there. Our children get really loud and all we want is some peace. I mean, I think me and my husband had the same conversation just a few days before I recorded this episode, but it just happens a lot, right? And it just seems to happen when you just need the quiet the most and reflecting back a little bit.

 

00;34;44;09 – 00;35;01;28

Dr. Mona

Before I wrap up with some principles, we have to understand that a lot of our triggers have to do with things that are happening in our day. Like for example, if you had the most amazing day ever, like everything was smooth, you rested, you ate meals at a table. Everything was great at your job. If you work, everything just went smoothly.

 

00;35;02;00 – 00;35;22;08

Dr. Mona

You’re going to have more space for noise, for stimulation, for all of that. But when you’re so bogged down and your cup is full, just one extra drop, one noise, one overstimulation is just going to set you off right. So you have to understand what brought you to that point, what brought you to the point where now you are irritated by your child or children being very loud?

 

00;35;22;10 – 00;35;40;15

Dr. Mona

So first recognizing that and you heard me talk with Christina, that’s takes a lot of insight to understand. Okay, what is going on here? Why am I so irritated? Is this a constant where I’m constantly feeling irritated by noise? What do I need to do to make more space to tolerate my reality? Do I need to delegate more?

 

00;35;40;15 – 00;35;58;06

Dr. Mona

Do I need to cut back on certain things that I keep saying yes to? This is a whole big picture thing and it’s why I do my finding joy episodes on this podcast. It’s why I do so much in terms of discussing all the different aspects of parenting, besides how we just parent our children. It’s how we approach parenting that really matters.

 

00;35;58;08 – 00;36;15;18

Dr. Mona

So when we look at the principles that I want to tie in for this episode, I already mentioned the number one, which I think is really important, and I am a loud speaker, and it’s kind of what I have to do because I speak a lot in public speaking and I do a podcast, so I can’t whisper too much, but really modeling the behavior that you want.

 

00;36;15;18 – 00;36;35;14

Dr. Mona

So to clarify, this is not only in situations where they’re dysregulated or really loud, but it’s also just on a daily. Are you filling your home with very loud volume? Do you speak very softly? What is the most in the home? I love that I’m a loud talker. It makes me feel joyous. I don’t know, I just love it.

 

00;36;35;14 – 00;36;55;25

Dr. Mona

But at sometimes I have to realize that, okay, I don’t need to be loud and animated all the time, and maybe I need to bring the volume down. I mentioned to Christina, like when I’m talking to my husband, I don’t need to yell in volume. I can softly speak what I need to be spoken right? So it’s really recognizing that and modeling the volume on a regular basis that you want.

 

00;36;55;25 – 00;37;17;21

Dr. Mona

It’s okay to get loud on purpose. That brings me to principle number two, keeping it playful and making it a game, right. Recognizing that they are very excited and saying, wow, you seem really excited today. Tell me more. You know, making it fun playing whisper games, getting loud on purpose so you know, you can practice just whispering and getting really, really soft and saying, okay, we’re going to get really, really quiet.

 

00;37;17;28 – 00;37;38;13

Dr. Mona

And then when mommy says, go, I count to three, we’re going to all scream and you go, one, two, three. And then you scream. The reason why this can be very helpful is that it shows the child that you are calm, cool and collected, and it also allows the child to hear opportunities for being loud. If a child keeps hearing you can’t speak loud, you can’t speak loud.

 

00;37;38;15 – 00;37;59;13

Dr. Mona

Be quiet, be quiet. It’s kind of a drag, right? It’s okay sometimes to be loud. So when the caregiver is giving them opportunity right, you are giving opportunities for yeses. You are giving and showing them, okay, we are going to do this on purpose. And they’re going to be like, what? And when you start to do this, they’re going to feel like, okay, well, I don’t really need to be doing this on a regular basis.

 

00;37;59;14 – 00;38;17;16

Dr. Mona

We already do it on purpose. I’ve kind of filled my cup with all the loudness. They still can be loud just by nature. But that goes back to that modeling, right? You model the calm, cool, collected voice as much as possible and then you get loud on purpose. You make it a game. You see who is going to be the first one to not be quiet.

 

00;38;17;16 – 00;38;35;23

Dr. Mona

And that brings me to reverse psychology. I love reverse psychology and parenting, and it’s kind of interesting because, you know, me and my husband do use it from time to time with ryaan. And it’s it can sound something like this, especially for this example. Oh, ryaan, you are not going to be quiet the longest, are you? It’s going to be mommy.

 

00;38;35;27 – 00;39;06;08

Dr. Mona

And so you really just try to say the opposite of what you’re intending them to do. And kids like that game. Obviously you’re using it in very fun situations and very lighthearted situations, but reverse psychology can also add some lightheartedness to you. I explain this with Christina that so much of what we do in parenting is really our self-regulation, and singing to yourself, talking to yourself, reverse psychology can all give you that opportunity to kind of stay calm, not get really upset in these situations.

 

00;39;06;08 – 00;39;23;25

Dr. Mona

Because when your children are loud, one of the last things we want to do is be loud over them. Right? Yelling stop yelling, stop yelling because that’s not modeling what we want, right? If we’re trying to teach our child, okay, I want you to be quiet. And we’re yelling. That’s the opposite of what we’re trying to teach them.

 

00;39;23;27 – 00;39;53;02

Dr. Mona

So really try to remember that they mimic us. Really trying to remember that. Keep it playful in parenting. And sometimes you may need to use a little bit of reverse psychology. Thank you so much for tuning in today. I’m so excited to be back to Monday morning episodes. As I mentioned already, if you want to be on the podcast as a parent or you just have a question for me that you don’t want to necessarily come on, but you have a question, make sure to sign up for my newsletter, because that is how you can submit questions.

 

00;39;53;02 – 00;40;12;24

Dr. Mona

We send out emails every few months when we’re looking for guests, and that is how you can submit on the form so that we can have these amazing conversations. If you love this episode, make sure to leave a review. This is how more people continue to find the podcast. 2022 is our best year yet, and I know 2023 is going to be even better.

 

00;40;12;24 – 00;40;23;14

Dr. Mona

But I need your help. So write those reviews. Tell a friend it means so much to me. I can’t tell you how much it means. I cannot wait to talk to another parent next week and have a great week ahead.