No two humans are completely alike. Even amongst twins, we know that people have various temperaments and traits that make them who they are. On this episode, I welcome a mom from the PDT community to discuss how to approach parenting with two unique children. We discuss:

• The guilt of feeling your time can’t be devoted to all children equally
• Understanding the unique needs of your child
• Mindset tips to bring more peace and joy as you navigate parenting multiple kids

 

If you want to stay up to date on parenting, health, and development news or you want to be a parent guest on the podcast, sign up for our newsletter!

00;00;00;00 – 00;00;25;15

Dr. Mona

By nature, just by nature, our children can be very different in their speed of doing things, learning things, their development, because it’s just we’re all individuals, right? And starting to kind of recognize that I have to look at these children that are part of my life, although they are in my home, I’m parenting very similar. I feel they are unique individuals, and I am going to try to meet them with their needs.

 

00;00;25;16 – 00;00;29;26

Dr. Mona

With all of the parenting strategies that I have.

 

00;00;29;29 – 00;00;46;29

Dr. Mona

Welcome back to the show. I am Doctor Mona and I am so grateful to have you join me every Monday and every Wednesday. And for the reviews that you leave this podcast. This is why the podcast continues to be a top 50 parenting podcast in the United States. It means so much to me and I want to really thank you again.

 

00;00;47;06 – 00;01;07;12

Dr. Mona

Remember that on these Monday episodes, I invite parents from the pizza doctor community to ask me questions about development, parenting, health, mindset, and parenting, whatever question you may have. So if you want to be a guest to ask me a question, make sure to sign up for my email list via the show notes, via my website, or my link in bio on my Instagram account.

 

00;01;07;14 – 00;01;34;13

Dr. Mona

PedsDocTalk. On this episode, I welcome Carla and she is a mom to a two year old and a four month old. And her basic question was around parenting children with different personalities and just approaching parenting of more than one child. We talk about things like the guilt a second time mother can have when they have had so much time with their first child, and now they’re trying to divide their time with the needs of a younger child and an older child.

 

00;01;34;20 – 00;01;52;19

Dr. Mona

We also talk about when things don’t always go as they did for that first child. So for example, if you fed the child a certain way and the second child has more difficulties, or the first child met certain milestones easily, and the second child is having a little more difficulty or needing more time, we normalize this. We discuss it.

 

00;01;52;22 – 00;01;56;01

Dr. Mona

So I want you to listen in on the conversation.

 

00;01;56;04 – 00;02;05;07

Dr. Mona

Oh, hey, Carla, thank you so much for joining me on today’s episode. Tell me what is on your mind today as a mom.

 

00;02;05;09 – 00;02;30;19

Mom

Hey, doctor. Mona, thank you for having me on. So excited to chat with you. My concern is, as a parent of a two year old, we welcomed a baby a few months ago and just kind of diving into that. How do you parent multiple children? How do you parent them uniquely as they’re made differently, but also when you run into physical differences like feeding and sleeping.

 

00;02;30;21 – 00;02;39;00

Mom

So how do you do that in approach that without making them feel like you’re playing favorites or making them feel like they’re not getting all of mama’s attention?

 

00;02;39;02 – 00;03;01;29

Dr. Mona

I love this conversation. This is such a great question, and it’s something that a lot of parents to a second child feel right. So I love having guests on my podcast. Obviously, moms from this community express concerns, comments, questions about things that maybe a lot of people don’t voice but are feeling right. This I love my first child, so much, I imagine, and I also love the second child.

 

00;03;01;29 – 00;03;20;15

Dr. Mona

But how do I parent them with their uniqueness and understanding that they are unique individuals? And like you said, not playing favorites. The other thing is, maybe you invested so much time in that two year old one on one, right? Or like two on one if you have a partner and then you have another child and you’re like, how can I do the same thing I did for my older?

 

00;03;20;15 – 00;03;27;20

Dr. Mona

Do you ever feel that like, am I going to be as great of a mother who I was to my second child? Or do you feel that sentiment?

 

00;03;27;23 – 00;03;46;11

Mom

Yes, for sure. I feel like the first time you’re just trying to respond to every need and every cry and comfort them in this one. I feel like, sorry, buddy, and you don’t want to blame the older one. You don’t want to be like brother needs this, but you’re kind of just like, I’ll be right there, Bubba. Like, I need to wait for a few minutes.

 

00;03;46;14 – 00;04;12;11

Dr. Mona

And there’s so much awareness of understanding that there are personality differences between your first and second born. And a lot of this personality questioning comes from, is this just their nature? Right. We know that nature is a reality, right? Just who you are, right? Your genetics, the personality that you’re essentially born with, right? Like you may be one of your child takes on the personality of your partner, and then the other child takes on more of a personality of you.

 

00;04;12;15 – 00;04;34;27

Dr. Mona

There is a reality that nature plays a huge effect. And then there’s the nurturing, right? Our first siblings, like, you know, there’s stereotypes between first siblings, middle children and third children. I’ve always wondered, are those stereotypes created because of a child’s nature, or are they created because of how we approach parenting? I don’t think anyone has a clear answer, but I think it may be a little bit of both.

 

00;04;34;27 – 00;04;54;00

Dr. Mona

Like you just said, with your first child, you have a lot more one on one, which is why stereotypically I’m putting that in quotes. A first child may speak before a second child, right? Because you have more one on one caregiver to child connection. Just using an example or the first child may be a little more cautious. Example.

 

00;04;54;00 – 00;05;11;12

Dr. Mona

This is a stereotype. This could happen because the parent had more eyes on that child to be like, hey, you know, watch where you’re going. Did it. Only when you have a second kid, you’re like, hey guys, just do whatever you need to do. Stay alive right here. Yes, survival. So I always have kind of wonder that. And I think it’s a mixture of nature and nurture.

 

00;05;11;12 – 00;05;32;29

Dr. Mona

And that’s the first thing that I want to talk about, is that we have to respect the fact that children are who they are, right? Like, you can have the same parenting style for five different children, like, you know, the same philosophies. But some children may take to it a different way or quicker. I use the example of sleep training and potty training.

 

00;05;32;29 – 00;05;48;21

Dr. Mona

Okay, these are two things that I think every parent thinks about maybe or, you know, has thought about, okay, how am I going to get my kid to sleep? Or how am I going to teach them how to use the potty? One kid, you know, your older son could say, mom, I don’t want to have a diaper anymore, I want underwear.

 

00;05;48;23 – 00;06;09;27

Dr. Mona

I’ve heard this happen, right? And you’re like, okay, wow, look at two years old. They’re like, I’ll do it myself. I’m ready. And then you have your younger child who at two years old could be very resistant. Two and a half years old, could be resistant. And then you’re telling yourself as a parent, okay, something must be wrong with that second child that my other, you know, first child did it so quickly and was so easy in this aspect.

 

00;06;09;27 – 00;06;33;29

Dr. Mona

And why is my second child not doing that? So I think the first thing is understanding that by nature, just by nature, our children can be very different in their speed of doing things, learning things, their development, because it’s just we’re all individuals, right? And starting to kind of recognize that I have to look at these children that are part of my life, although they are in my home, I’m parenting very similar.

 

00;06;33;29 – 00;07;06;27

Dr. Mona

I feel they are unique individuals, and I’m going to try to meet them with their needs. With all of the parenting strategies that I have, I think that’s an important realization that looking at them as their own entity and trying our hardest not to compare with the other child, you know, I do feel like there is a lot of comparison I see in practice with younger children being compared to the older child, in that the older child may have met certain milestones or met certain goals quicker.

 

00;07;06;27 – 00;07;23;17

Dr. Mona

Right? And so then the younger child seems like a I’m going to use this word and it seems like a burden or seems like a why aren’t you getting this? What’s wrong with you? When in reality, if your second child was the one that was born first, you wouldn’t have thought that right? You would have been like, this is what I know.

 

00;07;23;19 – 00;07;43;26

Dr. Mona

Like we’re just so ingrained as human beings to compare, right? To compare ourselves with other people, to compare ourselves with other, you know, our siblings or whatever, and also compare our children with each other. And my first tip is we really want to minimize that comparison. And when you’re feeling like you’re like, oh man, this should be this way.

 

00;07;43;26 – 00;08;00;18

Dr. Mona

And why are they not this way? We’re going to say, my son or, you know, my child is who he is. We are going to foster his development, foster this feeding journey, foster whatever it is that we need to foster looking at him as an entity and not comparing him to what his brother did or what anyone else is doing.

 

00;08;00;18 – 00;08;04;14

Dr. Mona

And that’s the first gift that we can give our children is avoiding comparison.

 

00;08;04;16 – 00;08;28;20

Mom

Yeah, I think that’s a really good reminder because especially with the subsequent children, whether it’s two, three, four, you just start doing what you know, and sometimes I feel like it can be detrimental when you’re trying to force something on your child that that’s just not how they were created. That’s not their nature. And so that’s a really good reminder, just as a parent, to not be comparing our children because they can tell.

 

00;08;28;22 – 00;08;45;00

Dr. Mona

And I think one of the biggest things is perspective on what is it that’s you’re confused about or what is it that’s you’re like, well, why are you getting this? Like, give me an example of something that maybe your older toddler child did that your second child did not do. As an example?

 

00;08;45;02 – 00;09;07;07

Mom

Yeah. So right out the gate, I really struggled with feeding my second child. My first child nursed exclusively until he was over a year old. He never really took a bottle. He never needed to because I was just always with him. And so I never tried. I didn’t know how to give formula. I didn’t know how much of anything to put in a bottle when my second one came around.

 

00;09;07;07 – 00;09;35;00

Mom

So I felt really overwhelmed, I guess because I literally didn’t know how much to feed my child. And I thought, wow, this is my second when I should probably know how to do this. But giving myself that space to learn and also to not put that pressure on my second one, he just really struggled latching. And after evaluations with lactation and pediatric dentist, we ended up doing a tongue tie release.

 

00;09;35;02 – 00;09;54;13

Mom

But it still didn’t really help. He just wasn’t super interested in it. He just wanted it to go faster then he wanted to work for. And that’s okay. He’s not lazy. He’s just one of the current. Yeah, yeah. Yes. And so we started doing that and switching to bottles and now he’s thriving and he’s so much happier.

 

00;09;54;13 – 00;10;05;22

Mom

And it took that pressure off of myself to not while you did it before. You should be able to do it again kind of mentality, which was just really harmful. Those first months that are already challenging.

 

00;10;05;24 – 00;10;21;01

Dr. Mona

And you brought up so many great points that you gain perspective and also you manage your expectations a little bit. And it doesn’t take away from the fact that you can kind of say, oh, I may have really wanted this, and I may have really wanted to nurse as an example, right? Your older child nursed easily from the beginning.

 

00;10;21;01 – 00;10;35;01

Dr. Mona

Or would you say that there was still some work in progress there? Because I know some kids can come out of the womb and like, they’re like natural born breast feeders. Some need work. It’s not. Again, it’s nothing the parent always does. Right? It’s literally just luck. I’m being honest as a as a nutrition.

 

00;10;35;03 – 00;10;56;02

Mom

Yeah. He was right out the gate. Super easy. Never had a problem. I never had a supply issue. Everything just was super smooth. And so the second time you wonder, wow, I wasn’t just awesome at this the first time though, that’s just how it happened. You know, you kind of like, not like, oh wow, I thought I just really nailed it, but no, that was just your first child and now the second one.

 

00;10;56;02 – 00;11;14;06

Mom

I had to let go of that and kind of humble myself and be like, he’s hungry. Yeah, do something else. And then also when my milk was dropping because pumping is a full time job, as most moms know, and taking care of a two year old while I’m pumping. I had to just let it go a little bit and be like, you know what?

 

00;11;14;10 – 00;11;31;07

Mom

Formula is just as good. And we have this expectation that, well, this is what I did with the first one. I have to keep doing it. And once I let that go and I started feeding him a combination, he just is doing so much better. And you can tell that that was the right decision.

 

00;11;31;09 – 00;11;49;02

Dr. Mona

And I love that. I love that you got to that point where you’re like, this decision made sense for our family, and it’s different from what we did for our first son. But that is the beautiful thing about parenting in this modern era in that there are options, right? We have formula available using this example and formula is a great alternative to breastfeeding.

 

00;11;49;02 – 00;12;06;07

Dr. Mona

It’s nutritious. It’s amazing. So I love that you got to that realization. And a lot of this is you know, we already talked about the comparison, which I think is one of the biggest pieces. But the managing of the expectations is really vital. And I always tell any family who or any parent that starts to get a little cocky.

 

00;12;06;07 – 00;12;29;19

Dr. Mona

Not that I’m saying that you’re but a little like too proud of themselves as a parent. What I tell them is, I think this is wonderful. I think it’s great that you’re owning your decisions and all of that. But I also want to remind you that the universe has a way of humbling us out. The universe has a way of when you have a second child or a third child or a fourth child, all that ego that comes into play, that I’m perfect and that I don’t need to learn anything, it’ll kind of even out and say, you know what?

 

00;12;29;20 – 00;12;47;21

Dr. Mona

Let me teach you something here to give you a little bit more humility in a very kind way. Right? Obviously nothing detrimental to the child, nothing bad. But really, what the universe will kind of do for us is really just bring you back down to earth and say, I am a human being. Things don’t always go according to my plan, and I have to learn to pivot.

 

00;12;47;21 – 00;13;08;15

Dr. Mona

And parenting, especially parenting, two different children, three different children, is that sort of art of always understanding that, hey, I know a lot as a parent, I’ve parented, you know, a two year old like for you and your older child. But I also know that when this new human being comes in my life, I have to recognize that this is a new human being I have to learn about.

 

00;13;08;15 – 00;13;32;05

Dr. Mona

Right? It’s not my two year old. It’s not my cousin’s kid. It is a new individual who has, like I said, that different nature, different temperament, everything’s different. And like you said beautifully that that second child could have been an amazing catcher and that’s awesome. But maybe there was a little bit more of a slower to feed that doesn’t make that second child not as worthy or not as great as a two year old.

 

00;13;32;05 – 00;13;49;21

Dr. Mona

Because as we know, as you go through being a parent, you’re going to see things in your children in a beautiful way. You’re going to see things in your older child and your younger child that is going to be like, wow, you’re doing this amazing. And maybe the other child doesn’t do that. It doesn’t make the person who’s not doing that any less worthy.

 

00;13;49;27 – 00;14;09;06

Dr. Mona

What we want to do as parents, when we reframe this comparison, is really looking at the positives that the child is doing and applauding that child in your head. You don’t have to do this whole red carpet for them, but really celebrating all of the good things that your child is doing when you’re feeling like you’re comparing. So let’s use this example of feeding.

 

00;14;09;06 – 00;14;27;20

Dr. Mona

I know it’s a it might be a silly example, but you can applaud that second child rather than saying to yourself, this is reframing rather than saying, oh, he is not breastfeeding, you can say he knew what he wanted and he really realized that bottle feeding was for him. Look at him go, he’s only an infant and he’s doing really great with his bottle feeding.

 

00;14;27;20 – 00;14;51;19

Dr. Mona

He’s thriving and I’m very happy. So rather than saying, oh, we didn’t breastfeed and now we’re bottle feeding, we’re saying, this is an awesome choice for us. You know, we did something that really worked for us, and it wasn’t something that was for him. And that’s okay. And knowing that he’s still going to thrive, as you know, is really important to right, that regardless of how you feed your baby, we know that they’re going to thrive, that their love, that they’re attached to their parent.

 

00;14;51;21 – 00;15;12;10

Dr. Mona

So that’s a really important reframing exercise that I think is really important. When we have that second child, we’re trying to avoid that comparison trap or, you know, why didn’t this go as well for the second sibling, we really want to start celebrating and looking for things that is going well with that child, the child that we’re trying to say, oh, well, why aren’t they doing this?

 

00;15;12;14 – 00;15;29;19

Dr. Mona

Well, what are they doing? What is something very positive that we can take out of this experience, or maybe something else that they’re doing that they’re thriving at so that we can really lift up our children and celebrate the things that they are doing without fixating on all of the things that they’re not, because it’s like human nature, right?

 

00;15;29;19 – 00;15;42;08

Dr. Mona

We can always tell ourselves, oh, I didn’t do this today. Or, you know, I’m supposed to call this person, and I did it, and I’m such a failure. No, no, no, I want us to focus on. Well, what did you do today? What are the amazing things you did as a mom? What are the amazing things you did?

 

00;15;42;15 – 00;16;00;23

Dr. Mona

Raising two children? I mean, awesome, right? Versus oh, I’m not giving enough time to my second or I’m not doing this, but what did you do? Maybe you did make a stride today as a mom that you didn’t make the day before. And that, I think really helps every day when we’re trying to feel that self-doubt and trying to avoid that comparison.

 

00;16;00;29 – 00;16;06;21

Dr. Mona

And that’s something that I do. Even though I have one child, I think it can really help with reframing all those difficult moments.

 

00;16;06;23 – 00;16;28;13

Mom

Yeah, definitely, because that’s something I wanted to mention as well, is it’s challenging enough raising one child because it’s different all the time, and each stage they get to, there’s new things to work on and to try to when you’re instilling values in them. I feel like I wasn’t mentally prepared with that complexity that would come with a second.

 

00;16;28;16 – 00;16;55;26

Mom

So I like that you mentioned the not being too cocky and just kind of realizing, hey, this is learning experience for everybody involved, and we’re going to make the best choice for our family, because I think that’s one big thing for me that has been challenging is that emotionally or mentally, how do I not react negatively or lash out when I’m overstimulated by all this or touched out by so many little hands, or my attention is very divided.

 

00;16;56;03 – 00;17;11;15

Mom

Like yesterday, I was taking care of my two year old and we’re hanging out and playing outside. But he really wanted his scooter and it was in the car, but we were in the fenced in yard so I couldn’t go grab it right away. The baby was in the crib, but then he started crying and he needed to eat.

 

00;17;11;15 – 00;17;31;06

Mom

But then my two year old fell down. And so just like all of us, yes, overstimulation and I physically can’t be multiple places. And the baby has a lot of physical needs, but the two year old has a ton of emotional needs. And so you’re trying to not lash out. You don’t want to react negatively. You want to be there for both.

 

00;17;31;09 – 00;17;42;12

Mom

So I think for me, those reframing exercises will be very helpful because I think that’s a big thing I’m dealing with currently is the overstimulation and being divided that I wasn’t mentally prepared for.

 

00;17;42;13 – 00;17;59;21

Dr. Mona

Yes. And the root issue of that, and I want to be very clear, is that my dream for every parent is to feel supported. Right. So I’ve been there in your shoes, and I hope to have a second child, that I’ll probably be in your shoes where I’m feeling very split, right? Like I have an older child and the dogs pooping on the floor, and then the younger babies crying.

 

00;17;59;21 – 00;18;16;09

Dr. Mona

I mean, those moments. I love that you’re laughing right now. Because that leads me to my point of, I want you to laugh when I tell you as a friend, right? Like you just told me that story. And in my head I was starting to laugh. Like we laugh at each other’s like, ridiculousness of our life. But we kind of should laugh at ourselves more in those ridiculous moments.

 

00;18;16;09 – 00;18;35;26

Dr. Mona

I would love that you have more support. Meaning, you know, whether it’s hired help or a family member that can help. For the most part, I know that we don’t have that access for everybody, and I know that it’s not a reality. So then we have to say, okay, this is my reality right now, that I have to manage this toddler and this baby and maybe a pet, whatever it is, and it’s going to be messy.

 

00;18;35;26 – 00;18;53;14

Dr. Mona

It is going to be messy. I know that it’s not going to be easy all the time, but I’m going to kind of learn to laugh at myself in this situation or look at something in that moment that can just make me breathe a little bit because, you know, the bottom line of what you are doing amazing, is that your children are loved and they are safe, right?

 

00;18;53;14 – 00;19;10;19

Dr. Mona

So everything else, right, everything else, the crying for a little bit, the I want my scooter and the tantrum, you know, in your heart of hearts that you both of your children are extremely loved. I know that and that you are keeping them safe with what you need to do at this moment. So that’s the key. And those are the two things I need every parent to do.

 

00;19;10;19 – 00;19;37;14

Dr. Mona

I need every parent to love their kid and keep them safe. But your only one human being, right? You are not meant to be divided into everything. And I think you had also mentioned something about dividing your attention to both children. Right? Feeling kind of pulled in like my toddler needs something and then my baby needs something. I want you to recognize that sometimes you are going to have to make a parent mom decision on who needs me the most at this moment.

 

00;19;37;14 – 00;20;03;11

Dr. Mona

And that is an art of being a parent of two or more siblings, right? That when I was a parent of one, you could easily say, okay, well, you’re going to get all my attention. I’m going to, you know, handle all of your needs. But sometimes it may mean that if you’re a younger child needs to be fed and your older child is having a tantrum in an ideal tantrum world, you would sit with your two year old and say, I love you and I see you and let me know if you need a hug.

 

00;20;03;13 – 00;20;21;09

Dr. Mona

Can I be honest? When you have a younger child, you may not be able to do that 20 minute validation sit with your two year old when your baby needs to be fed. So sometimes it’s saying, I love you so much. I see that you’re having some really big feelings right now. I have to feed your brother, and I’m going to be with you in just a moment.

 

00;20;21;09 – 00;20;37;11

Dr. Mona

And sometimes it may mean that your two year old will be in the room with you crying in your face. But it’s just understanding that by doing that, you are not neglecting that two year old. You are not neglecting anything of their needs. You are giving yourself space to say, I see you, I want to be there for you.

 

00;20;37;15 – 00;20;56;26

Dr. Mona

But understanding that you’re only one human being, you can’t attend to three different issues at the same time. And the more you can start to understand that and say, okay, it is okay. My two year old is having a moment right now. I have made this decision that at this moment, my baby needs me more because my baby is hungry and hasn’t fed in four hours.

 

00;20;56;26 – 00;21;14;05

Dr. Mona

Just giving an example. So I’m going to feed. I’m going to calm my body while we’re feeding. I’m going to verbalize with my two year old, give that two year old some space, and when I’m ready, just say, like he’s still crying and now you can put your baby down right and be in a safe spot. You’re going to say, I see you, I love you again, right?

 

00;21;14;05 – 00;21;33;09

Dr. Mona

And that is a parent decision in the moment. I can’t tell you what the right choice is because it is going to feel like this very personal, moment by moment decision on who needs me more right now. And you’re going to alternate that throughout their childhood, right? Sometimes it’s going to be your younger child that needs you more, quote unquote.

 

00;21;33;09 – 00;21;51;12

Dr. Mona

And then it’s going to be the older child that needs your energy and time, right? It’s not only about time, it’s also about mental space. Right? Like you can’t give your mental space to everybody at every given moment. You’re going to go into a spiral. So it’s like, who needs me right now? And I am going to balance this.

 

00;21;51;12 – 00;22;13;24

Dr. Mona

Obviously, as a parent, we want to recognize that we need to balance the time that we give on a big picture. Like if you’re feeling like you’re investing so much into your older child, you need to ask yourself, why am I doing this? Is there certain things that are happening with that older child, for example, like medical conditions or something like, is there some reason that I’m giving this older child more attention of mine than the younger child?

 

00;22;13;29 – 00;22;37;21

Dr. Mona

And just checking in with yourself in a big perspective situation, right. Like at the end of every week or couple weeks, looking at yourself and saying, yeah, I am being pretty even like, you’re not going to want to do that day by day because day by day is going to flex. But just looking at the perspective of, I am giving all I’m able to give as a mother, I can’t give everything to everybody every moment of the day.

 

00;22;37;21 – 00;22;57;10

Dr. Mona

We cannot do that. There’s not enough of us to go around to give our energy to our partner and all of our children and our self as well. So it really is starting to set that boundaries and saying, I need a moment. If your two year old is having a tantrum as an example and you have not eat right like you are thirsty or you’re hungry, I see you right now, sweetie.

 

00;22;57;13 – 00;23;17;18

Dr. Mona

Mommy needs to get a glass of water because mommy is feeling a little overwhelmed and I’m going to get some water and then I’ll be right there with you. Right? Like you’re not neglecting your child by taking care of your needs and showing up again, right? So really recognizing in these moments what it is that you need to stay calm, what it is that’s going to make you laugh a little bit because the humor does help.

 

00;23;17;18 – 00;23;37;00

Dr. Mona

I’ve been in your shoes not with the second kid, but crazy things like, I’m like, I literally could write a book and I’m like, what is happening right now? And I literally like in the moment, I cry a little bit, but then after I’m like, that was pretty ridiculous. And then I share a story with my husband or a friend, or maybe go on my Instagram and it helps to just laugh about it and be like, yeah, that was pretty ridiculous.

 

00;23;37;00 – 00;23;54;24

Dr. Mona

And that was a moment. And you know what? What did I learn from that moment? I learned that even though it was kind of chaotic, look at me handling two kids, like, look at you. Like I think we forget that we do. So much. And it’s okay to applaud ourselves for all the things that we did in our day and what we did survive through.

 

00;23;54;24 – 00;24;03;10

Dr. Mona

Right? Like you had a moment where you handled a screaming toddler, a baby who was crying, and you did that thing like, how awesome are you? I love it.

 

00;24;03;12 – 00;24;26;25

Mom

Yeah, yeah. That was exactly our situation yesterday when my husband got home. I was like, guess what happened all the time? Three and 4 p.m. and it was just. Yeah, it really helps to be light hearted and like your kids and your partner. Just read your energy and you don’t need to be miserable and because, I mean, like you were mentioning, those decisions are going to happen 20, 30 plus times a day.

 

00;24;26;28 – 00;24;33;05

Mom

And it’s hard to make those decisions over and over if you’re constantly beating yourself up about it.

 

00;24;33;07 – 00;24;51;11

Dr. Mona

Absolutely. And, you know, going back to that comment that you made about the second sibling having a different experience than the first because of just the your lack of attentiveness. This meaning, the fact that you don’t have as much time one on one with your second sibling because you have an older toddler and your own life, right? Yeah, I’m a second child, my husband’s a second child.

 

00;24;51;11 – 00;25;13;21

Dr. Mona

And you know, I hope that we can have a second child and I can give this perspective to people, you know, having a second child. And if not, I think it’s still important perspective I can share. But I want to really remind everybody listening that second kids or third kids or fourth kids, fifth whatever, they may not have the same exact experience as a first child, but they are getting their own unique experience.

 

00;25;13;21 – 00;25;36;14

Dr. Mona

And that in itself is pretty powerful, right? They are getting you, maybe as a second time parent, having relaxed a little bit. I’m giving this example because sometimes it’s first time parents were very like, everything needs to be like this. We got to do it this way. Your second child has you, after experiencing raising an older child like that is a cool, unique experience for that second child.

 

00;25;36;14 – 00;25;52;29

Dr. Mona

Like how awesome that they now have a mother or, you know, a father that is now parenting the second time around, learning what doesn’t work and what works. Learning to let go of things that do not serve them right. Like the guilt, oh, I have to feed my baby this way, or it has to be a certain way.

 

00;25;53;01 – 00;26;12;17

Dr. Mona

And in many ways that’s pretty cool. And I wish that more parents can parent like a second time parent, meaning they learn that in the grand scheme of things, I’m fixating on things that really won’t matter in the long run. Right? With this sort of dividing attention. You know, in the long run, you love both of your children.

 

00;26;12;17 – 00;26;25;01

Dr. Mona

You know that you’re going to give them, you know, what they need in their life. I know it. You’re going to learn what works for your family with the resources and time you have with the feeding question or concern that you had. Right? You had to switch the feeding. You know, like I said, that it’s going to be great.

 

00;26;25;01 – 00;26;42;01

Dr. Mona

They’re both going to thrive. They’re both going to be loved. And so I feel like second time parents get that perspective a little bit more than first time parents. And that is why I think it’s a gift when you can get to that realization. And if I could teach parents had a parent like a second time parent, I would love too, because it really lets go.

 

00;26;42;01 – 00;26;59;06

Dr. Mona

A lot of that feeling of guilt of that, oh, I should have done this, or why didn’t I do this? Because you’re like, actually, we’re all doing really okay. Like, I love my kids and they feel loved and they’re going to be fine. And we’re doing what we need to do with our resources and our time, which is a huge thing as well.

 

00;26;59;08 – 00;27;15;02

Mom

Yeah, I 100% agree with that. I feel like many people would enjoy parenting a lot more and not feel as stressed out, because I just remember the first time I was so rigid with every. I just feel like everything is life or death and it’s just really not. And so yeah, thank you for bringing that up.

 

00;27;15;04 – 00;27;37;07

Dr. Mona

And I’m very humble in what I mentioned earlier that we parents had right in a certain way. Right. And if a second kid comes into our life like we know that, you know, I’m doing IVF and stuff, so it’s a hope, but we know that I can’t expect the second sibling to do anything that Ryan did like. An example I give is Ryan is really good at he’s just a really well-adjusted child emotionally.

 

00;27;37;07 – 00;28;02;14

Dr. Mona

And I tell my husband I’m like, I don’t know if this is our parenting or if this is his nature, right? I can’t tell you because we don’t know. We don’t have another child. So no, I know that we approach his emotions and stuff in a healthy way, but when we have a second kid and if that kid is having a harder time with tantrums, having a harder time with meltdowns, I have to really remember that it is not my kid who is being difficult or the problem, right?

 

00;28;02;14 – 00;28;19;01

Dr. Mona

It’s us as parents that have to figure out and it’s like a puzzle. It’s like a detective work. Like, what is it that we have to pivot with here as parents? What is it that I have to get curious about? Why is my second child acting this way? And maybe the second child will be better or worse, quote unquote, on certain things.

 

00;28;19;01 – 00;28;42;05

Dr. Mona

And let’s, like I said, celebrate the things that they are doing and get curious on why certain things that are in our parenting handbook didn’t work for the second one. You know, why is it happening? And being humble about it and saying it’s okay, like our second kid may not be a good sleeper. He may not be, you know, ready to eat food and may not be able to be amenable to handling picky eating phases, as Ryan was.

 

00;28;42;05 – 00;28;59;04

Dr. Mona

Right. And I respect that. As a pediatrician because I see it right. I see the differences in just how we’re born, and I’m not sure. Did your children, did you have different types of pregnancies with both, or did you have very similar symptoms? And, you know, feelings during your pregnancy?

 

00;28;59;07 – 00;29;17;19

Mom

They were pretty similar or similar. Yeah. I feel like they’re pretty similar. Overall. I feel like the second one. Obviously, you’re chasing around another child, and so I wasn’t able to rest as much as I wanted to, and I wasn’t able to. I mean, if I felt sick, I just was laying around outside sick. So my other was not around.

 

00;29;17;19 – 00;29;29;26

Mom

I wasn’t in bed. So but yeah, there were very similar pregnancies. My labor delivery recovery was very similar for both. So yeah, not too many differences in that part.

 

00;29;29;29 – 00;29;49;07

Dr. Mona

Yeah. Because sometimes you can see differences in pregnancy too right. Like just how they are. And but it is absolutely true that just when they come out and they are just these, you know, awesome blank slate of possibility. I love when people have babies because I’m like, wow. Like they get to raise this child in this amazing world.

 

00;29;49;10 – 00;30;11;02

Dr. Mona

And they also get to learn about a new human being. Like, I find it very exciting when I get to talk to parents of newborns in my office and just also on my social media channel, just because I’m like, this is going to be an incredible journey. And when I say incredible, that does not mean easy, right? It means like you have a lot of work to do in terms of understanding how to balance your life with two children.

 

00;30;11;04 – 00;30;37;02

Dr. Mona

How to balance your life with this kid who has these wants and needs and maybe different from another child, but it is just a really cool thing to be a parent. I love it, as you know, like, this is why I started this podcast and like to invite people to just celebrate parenthood and the craziness that it has, but also just a lot of the cool things that you get out of it, because it is an honor being able to raise these kids and an even more extreme honor being able to raise multiple children.

 

00;30;37;02 – 00;30;59;25

Dr. Mona

You know, I know some people who want to have that can’t have that. And really getting to say, okay, this is going to be a fun detective thing to figure out what they need. How can I foster their nature? How can I foster their needs without comparing it to another sibling? And I think you’re getting there. And the reframing, the avoiding comparison, the managing expectations, celebrating the differences.

 

00;30;59;25 – 00;31;14;03

Dr. Mona

Right. Saying like it’s okay that y’all are not the same. I kind of like that. Everyone’s unique. Me and your you know, you and your partner are different, right? That’s so important to recognize. And then really just celebrating those moments is going to really help you kind of get that perspective I agree.

 

00;31;14;03 – 00;31;14;18

Mom

Thank you.

 

00;31;14;18 – 00;31;34;02

Dr. Mona

So much. Yeah. And then the other thing that I always remind parents, you’re obviously not in this phase at all, but something that really as a pediatrician and someone who loves talking about parenting is, as you get older, right? Like, so as the children get older, we want to be very mindful about not shaming our children at all.

 

00;31;34;02 – 00;32;12;27

Dr. Mona

But absolutely being very mindful on teasing. What happens is sometimes we think humor is great in terms of like to say you’re I’m giving example, I just see your younger child is more whiny. Okay, I’m giving an example and you in front of your older sibling say, oh my gosh, always so whiny. He’s so whiny. What? That puts in our head and in the family dynamic is that that is a bad thing, and that we are now singling out that younger child and teasing them, even if we think it’s coming out of love, labeling and individualizing any of our children and teasing them in front of the other child, it really doesn’t help because then

 

00;32;12;27 – 00;32;30;04

Dr. Mona

the older child is going to copy what you do, right? Children tend to model what their parents do, so they’re gonna be like, oh my gosh, yes, he’s so whiny, always whining. He doesn’t eat his food. He’s so difficult. Like we want to be very mindful of the things we say in front of our children and how we talk about them.

 

00;32;30;04 – 00;32;45;12

Dr. Mona

Right? Like, and I’ve seen it like I’ve been at friends houses and family members houses and I don’t say anything in there, but I’m saying it now and I’m like, oh, I’m like, we should not be doing that, because it really creates a sense of shame for the child of like, well, what? Like I’m just who I am.

 

00;32;45;12 – 00;33;01;12

Dr. Mona

Like, I’m trying to express my need by being whiny, talking candidly, I understand that whining is not an easy thing to deal with as a parent, right? Like we understand that picky eating is not an easy thing to deal with as a parent, but the child is not trying to be difficult. The child is not trying to be anything.

 

00;33;01;12 – 00;33;16;28

Dr. Mona

They are just trying to learn about how do I eat? And I want to express my feelings and all I know is to whine, right? So then we have to get into how do we facilitate that for the parent? But really as they get older, never, you know, get into that shameful mindset of like, oh, you’re so like this, isn’t it?

 

00;33;16;28 – 00;33;47;27

Dr. Mona

So like this, like always whining, always doing this, and I don’t think you’re going to do it. But since we are having this conversation about parenting kids with different personalities and that family dynamic is so important to me because I see it happen quite a bit, it’s shocking to me. And I’m like, and I don’t think people are intending to be mean or anything, but they think it’s more of like a joke of like, oh, we’re just, you know, ragging on our, our younger child or older child like, oh, he’s so skinny or, you know, he doesn’t eat and this and then you’re like, well, that those words will hold strong in that child’s psyche.

 

00;33;47;27 – 00;34;01;19

Dr. Mona

And we don’t want that to be the case. You know, we want them to feel like they’re supported, that there’s no shame here and that their sibling and their parents are all on their team. You know, a family is a team. We’re all working together to reach our goals and have self-growth for everybody.

 

00;34;01;22 – 00;34;20;29

Mom

Yeah, yeah, that’s a good reminder too, because we think that they don’t hear or don’t notice. And also you feel kind of maybe like you’re venting or you’re just yes, you’re or you’re like update quote unquote updating your partner on the day. Yeah. It’s like, maybe we shouldn’t do that in front of the kids because you don’t want them to pick up on those negative words that you maybe.

 

00;34;20;29 – 00;34;40;25

Mom

Yes, because that’s something I feel like I’ve heard you mentioned somewhere, either on social media or in another podcast, because I had been trying to do that when the baby was crying. And my older one would say, oh, baby, cry, don’t cry, don’t cry. I’m just trying to say all of that’s how Baba communicates with us. Yes, how to talk yet like you do.

 

00;34;40;25 – 00;35;00;28

Mom

And so I think even just as parents trying to get into the habit of it, even when they’re babies, so that when they are older and they are noticing, like my two year old is starting to notice, we have that habit already in place because I think I would fall more to the, updating my husband at the end of the day.

 

00;35;00;28 – 00;35;09;08

Mom

But really, my older one is hearing perhaps more negative downloads from the day that they don’t need to be hearing it right.

 

00;35;09;08 – 00;35;26;03

Dr. Mona

And it is so vital, like you said, to communicate the good and bad with someone you love, right? Like your partner, right? Like I 100%. That needs to happen because I do feel like that really helps. Especially, you know, I tend to be also home with my son more than my husband. So I need to let that out to my husband in a healthy, constructive way.

 

00;35;26;03 – 00;35;41;02

Dr. Mona

Like, wow, this happened today. And also it’s important so that you can learn what you need to work on. Like for example, if Ryan had a difficult day going down to sleep, right, like as a toddler and it may have been a little frustrating, but I don’t show that frustration to Ryan. I’ve really learned to not do that because I don’t want him to be.

 

00;35;41;09 – 00;35;57;16

Dr. Mona

Well, mommy’s upset at me, right? So but of course that was frustrating. So then you’d go down, you’d take a breath and then yes, when your partner comes home, you get to have that vent session or chatting session about, hey, this happened. And a lot of it is constructive too, right? Like, hey, this happened. Like I just want to talk about it.

 

00;35;57;16 – 00;36;11;20

Dr. Mona

Or maybe this is happening repetitively, like there’s an issue that is happening repetitively and you can talk to your partner and be like, do you want to do something about this? Do you think we need to talk to somebody about this? Like he seems to be crying a lot and I can’t get him to settle. Like, I don’t know, like it could be normal.

 

00;36;11;20 – 00;36;29;26

Dr. Mona

Like, these things are so important. And yes, the valid point is the older sibling does not need to hear it. You know about the negatives of the day. It’s important to talk to your child about goods and bads of their day, right? Like, what is something that you had today that you really like doing, or what was something that was made you sad today?

 

00;36;29;26 – 00;37;04;12

Dr. Mona

Because I do feel like that’s really great for processing. But yeah, they don’t need to hear all of the juicy details of what their sibling is or is not doing. I do believe that it can cause sibling rivalry because then listen, every human being wants to be seen. And so when a child who is essentially in a way, I’m going to say this word competing for the attention of their parent when they realize there’s something that the other sibling is doing that the parent does not like, they can grow up with this sort of, okay, well, my mom doesn’t like that.

 

00;37;04;12 – 00;37;18;16

Dr. Mona

I’m going to tease my sibling about that, because then it gives me more of the spotlight, more of the attention. And we do not want to do that right. We do not want to pit children against each other, that there’s a sibling rivalry there of trying to compete for our attention. They get our love, they get our attention.

 

00;37;18;21 – 00;37;32;08

Dr. Mona

Sometimes someone’s going to get more than others because that’s how you’re going to decide. You know what we said earlier on what the needs are, but we do not want to foster that at all for kids. And I could go on and on about this, as children get older, too, like sibling rivalry right now, you’re not in that.

 

00;37;32;08 – 00;37;39;15

Dr. Mona

It’s a two year old and a four month old. But I hope this was helpful in trying to get some foundation on mindset as we parent those two children.

 

00;37;39;18 – 00;37;44;21

Mom

Yes, 100%. And as they get older, what to be mindful of as well.

 

00;37;44;23 – 00;38;16;14

Dr. Mona

So I want to wrap up this episode with three mindset principles that I discussed with Carla. Reframing, avoiding comparison, and managing expectations. You heard me explain to her how important all of these three are, but I really wanted to drive home how important it is to avoid comparison, and I likely will do another episode on the finding Joy series of this podcast, talking about comparison and how it can affect our life when we compare ourselves with our peers and also compare our children with other children in their lives.

 

00;38;16;17 – 00;38;42;00

Dr. Mona

It’s really important when you are finding yourself in that cycle of comparison. Well, this child does this better, or especially this child. Is this worse when you’re looking at a child that may not be doing something as great, quote unquote, as another child or a sibling? I really want you to reframe by celebrating the differences, but also looking for things that you can celebrate in that child that you are quote unquote, more concerned about.

 

00;38;42;03 – 00;39;03;26

Dr. Mona

We know that every child is on their own trajectory, and this is in weight, in development and in their entire life. We cannot expect two children to be the same, even twins. We will see variations in their temperament, moods, their likes and dislikes. Every human being is an individual, and I think it’s really important to start celebrating the differences.

 

00;39;04;02 – 00;39;26;15

Dr. Mona

Also, celebrate those differences in front of the children, right? Make sure that each child knows how valuable they are. Each child knows the value that they bring to the family, and it’s okay if those things are different. I hope this episode resonated with you. If you found this helpful, make sure you leave a review, call out the episode and again, join my newsletter if you want to come on the podcast.

 

00;39;26;21 – 00;39;34;01

Dr. Mona

We open up the forum and invite guests every few months, and I would love to speak to you on a future episode. Talk to you all next week.