On this episode of Monday Mornings with Dr. Mona, I am talking with Christine about finding balance in our identities as mothers and why it’s so important

We discuss:

• Why balancing our identities is so hard as mothers
• Why our other identities besides being a mother matter
• How to reframe guilt when creating this balance

In this new format of Monday Mornings with Dr Mona that began June 2022, I end each episode with three mindfulness principles. These principles can be used in various situations, but I explain how the three principles I chose apply to finding balance in our identities after becoming a mom.

00;00;00;00 – 00;00;31;14

Dr. Mona

That identity shift is looking at all of the things that make you, you and in the situation you work. You’re a mom, you’re a partner, you’re a daughter, your friend, you’re a relative, cousin, whatever it is, and realizing, when am I going to have to put this role ahead of another role, and being okay with that and accepting that is what I think often happens, is I did this where I felt like I wanted to do 100% at everything, but you can’t do 100% at everything because you’re going to burn out.

 

00;00;31;21 – 00;00;52;20

Dr. Mona

So it’s taking yourself, as all my identities make me 100% at some time of my motherhood journey, but just see my child’s going through a progression. Maybe I’m going to have to give a little bit more to that energy, right? I’m going to have to give a little bit more to the mind space, physical space, all of that, all of the things that consume me and my identity.

 

00;00;52;24 – 00;01;16;07

Dr. Mona

And maybe I’m going to have to say no more at work, or maybe me and my husband, you know, we’ll have to say no to date nights or other things because we’re prioritizing something else. But then at other times you’re going to let those things come to the forefront. Hey everyone, welcome back to the PedsDocTalk Talk podcast, a podcast that continues to grow because of each and every one of you and your reviews and ratings.

 

00;01;16;11 – 00;01;36;04

Dr. Mona

So thank you for tuning in and being here on this episode of Monday Mornings with Doctor Mona. I am talking with Christine about finding balance in our identities as mothers and why it’s so important. Hey Christine, thank you so much for joining me on the podcast. So tell me, what is on your mind today as a mom?

 

00;01;36;07 – 00;01;49;05

Christine

Hi, doctor. Mona, thank you so much for having me. One topic that is on my mind is just finding that balance with our identity. After becoming a new mom, especially a first time mom.

 

00;01;49;08 – 00;01;53;17

Dr. Mona

And tell me how old your daughter is. Correct. You have a daughter?

 

00;01;53;27 – 00;01;59;12

Christine

My daughter Zaira. She’s going to turn one in just a little over a week.

 

00;01;59;15 – 00;02;20;03

Dr. Mona

Oh, and I can tell you from personal experience, and not just for my own personal life, but also just professionally as well, that that first year, especially that first couple years is a difficult time, especially in a pandemic. But even regardless of being in a pandemic, you know, we go through a lot of adjustments with our identity, our expectations.

 

00;02;20;03 – 00;02;34;27

Dr. Mona

So I’m just so glad that we could have this conversation. What has been the hardest aspect of this issue? Do you struggle with guilt with trying to find that balance? Do you struggle with time management? All of the above. What would you say is the hardest part of it all?

 

00;02;34;29 – 00;03;02;24

Christine

Oh yeah, I would say all of the above. I think when Sarah was born, the thing I struggled with the most was just figuring out how to be a parent. You know, trying to troubleshoot her needs and her routines. And then it kind of became, okay, now she’s kind of settled into somewhat of a routine I can where am I as a person, you know, as a daughter, as a wife, as a friend?

 

00;03;02;26 – 00;03;38;23

Christine

I kind of lost myself in the process just during that whole maternity leave time, which I’m so grateful to have to be able to have bonded with her, see her grow and develop the way she did. But at the same time, now, you know, almost a year out, I still struggle with prioritize using self-care, the guilt that comes along with even just, you know, going back to work on days when I work a little too long and I’m sitting in traffic coming home, you know, I live in Los Angeles, so traffic can be so bad.

 

00;03;38;24 – 00;03;58;25

Christine

Yeah. And that can mean the difference of, you know, I miss bedtime. So just struggling with things like that and, you know, connecting with my husband, we make it an effort to try to communicate regularly. But, you know, sometimes it gets put on the backburner.

 

00;03;58;28 – 00;04;17;19

Dr. Mona

Oh, I just recorded an episode with my husband. That is probably going to be released well before this episode gets released. For everyone. This is the finding Joy episode that I recorded with my husband Gaura, but exactly that. I mean, I think what happens when we become parents, especially moms, is that all of those different identities.

 

00;04;17;19 – 00;04;26;05

Dr. Mona

And you mentioned a few already. You’re a daughter, you’re obviously you probably have relatives and you are a wife. You’re a mom and you also work. Do you work full time?

 

00;04;26;07 – 00;04;29;08

Christine

I do, I’m a full time, nurse educator.

 

00;04;29;11 – 00;04;31;25

Dr. Mona

Yeah. And you have gone back already, right? You said.

 

00;04;31;27 – 00;04;32;13

Christine

Correct.

 

00;04;32;20 – 00;04;36;29

Dr. Mona

Yeah. How many weeks? Was I old when you went back to work?

 

00;04;37;02 – 00;04;40;20

Christine

Really? She was five and a half months. Awesome name.

 

00;04;40;20 – 00;04;51;17

Dr. Mona

Yeah, yeah, we were just chatting about maternity leave before we recorded, about getting that awesome time, but, you know, that transition. How was that transition with going back to work? Did you.

 

00;04;51;23 – 00;04;52;24

Christine

Oh my gosh. I mean.

 

00;04;52;26 – 00;05;12;19

Dr. Mona

You mentioned already that, you know, obviously the the traffic and missing bedtime, that’s obviously a reality that I think any mom who works outside of the home can relate to. But did you have any sort of I guess I don’t want to use this word, but like any regression in your emotions or you just felt like, you know, kind of off how you normally would feel when you went back to work.

 

00;05;12;22 – 00;05;36;16

Christine

Yeah, I was really nervous about what that journey was going to look like because I, you know, experience postpartum anxiety and a little bit of, I was diagnosed with adjustment disorder, so I knew any big adjustment, I had to kind of take in stride. The biggest thing was just pumping out work was such a wild journey.

 

00;05;37;13 – 00;06;13;03

Christine

Just finding the time, not feeling like I was letting my colleagues down by having to take that time. The mom guilt is so real and like, the mental load is so heavy with that. And I guess my, you know, I made it a point to remind myself to kind of take it one day at a time. But yeah, the breastfeeding and the nursing journey and pumping journey was the most challenging part for me because I just struggled with, you know, feeling like I was inadequate when I didn’t pump enough.

 

00;06;13;05 – 00;06;37;18

Christine

But I was so stressed out because I couldn’t I’d be taking time away from work. So just that part alone, you know, and then the mom guilt of, like, coming back home late from work, that kind of hit like that’s more recent. So I think there are some things I probably suppressed. You just for the sake of, like, not having time to process it.

 

00;06;37;21 – 00;07;07;03

Dr. Mona

Oh, gosh, I resonate so much with this because I was also working full time in that first year of Ryan’s life, and it almost feels like when you’re being pulled in all of these different directions. Right? And I imagine that you were probably really great in your career before having a child, and you’re also still very great, but there’s a reality that your energy and mental space, you know, we talk a lot about not just the time, but your mental ability to be present at work and not have to think about all the things we think about as moms.

 

00;07;07;10 – 00;07;25;03

Dr. Mona

That changes. Obviously, when you have a child and it can get really hard to be present at work and then also go home and be present with your child, and that can be something that you can constantly fight with and feel like, well, why am I not doing this enough? Or why am I not doing this enough at home?

 

00;07;25;03 – 00;07;40;06

Dr. Mona

You know, and you feel like you’re almost just doing everything mediocre when you know it’s not like that. And I know you know that, but it does feel like that. Do you ever feel like that? That is just kind of. You’re half there or half doing when you really want to be doing more in those aspects of your identity?

 

00;07;40;08 – 00;08;09;01

Christine

Absolutely. And I think over time, I’ve come to accept that reality that I think this reminds me of one of your Instagram posts about how you focus on one part of your identity, and then the other has to kind of go in the back burner a little bit. And so I think it’s that constant balance of, yeah, when work is a little bit busy, then, you know, sometimes home life has to take a backseat temper rarely.

 

00;08;09;04 – 00;08;14;26

Christine

But then finding ways to fill my cup in those different roles.

 

00;08;14;28 – 00;08;43;17

Dr. Mona

That post was one of my favorite post, so thank you for bringing that up. And for anyone listening who hasn’t seen that on my Instagram, it was a real where I talk about the different identities we carry after we become mothers, which we carry a lot of those identities before becoming a mom. But when you add the role of mom or mom, after you know you have a child, it is a lot to do and think about, like I mentioned, and that identity shift is looking at all of the things that make you you.

 

00;08;43;22 – 00;09;10;03

Dr. Mona

And in this situation, you work, you’re a mom, you’re a partner, your daughter, you’re a friend, you’re a relative, cousin, or whatever it is. And realizing, when am I going to have to put this role ahead of another role, and being okay with that and accepting that, because what I think often happens is I did this where I felt like I wanted to do 100% at everything, but you can’t do 100% at everything because you’re going to burn out.

 

00;09;10;11 – 00;09;31;10

Dr. Mona

So it’s taking yourself, as all my identities make me 100% at some time of my motherhood journey, but just see my child’s going through a progression. Maybe I’m going to have to give a little bit more to that energy, right? I’m going to have to give a little bit more to the mind space, physical space, all of that, all of the things that consume me and my identity.

 

00;09;31;14 – 00;09;46;28

Dr. Mona

And maybe I’m going to have to say no more at work, or maybe me and my husband, you know, we’ll have to say no to date nights or other things because we’re prioritizing something else. But then at other times you’re going to let those things come to the forefront. So it’s really important to look at all of those identities.

 

00;09;46;28 – 00;10;06;10

Dr. Mona

And I do this a lot, like especially with social media and having this presence on Instagram and with the podcast, when things are heavy with my life because they do get heavy, right? I look at everything that I’m doing and I say, okay, I really need to trim down the fat here and say, I don’t need to be doing as much right now in this aspect, motherhood.

 

00;10;06;13 – 00;10;41;17

Dr. Mona

It’s one of those things that we can’t always just say, okay, I’m going to throw my hands up and not do it right. That is one of our priorities. If we don’t have a partner or a partner is working. So it’s really important to look at your resources, your situation and definitely manage the expectations and not compare it to anybody else’s resources or circumstances, because everyone’s going to have a different story or a different help with their child, and that is when we can kind of start to feel, well, I wish I had it this way, or the guilt can start to creep in, which is what can really rob our joy as moms.

 

00;10;41;19 – 00;11;06;05

Christine

Right? And, you know, it’s funny you mentioned resources and it wasn’t that we were lacking resources, but I think there is a sense of control that, you know, after being on maternity leave for quite some time, my only identity I knew at the time was being a mom and all of that. You know, I had to process the different identities after maternity leave.

 

00;11;06;08 – 00;11;23;09

Christine

And I remember, like, I can’t tell you how many times I thought of, you know, just quitting my job. And, yeah, telling my husband I was like, I just want to be with her. I just want to stay at home, you know? But at the same time, like she at home moms do not nearly get enough credit for what they do.

 

00;11;23;09 – 00;11;45;05

Christine

It is like, yeah. And, you know, the more I thought about it, I was like, no, I don’t. Mentally, I couldn’t do it. I knew I couldn’t as much as I kept feeling like this is the right thing to do, you know? And the perspective slowly shifted over time. After I allowed myself to kind of process through it.

 

00;11;45;07 – 00;12;14;05

Christine

But knowing that, you know, I worked hard to get to this point in my career, and I thought about what I would want Shira to be able to see in our household that, you know, both mom and dad are working and it’s okay. And they’re still finding time to prioritize me. Like, that’s the type of household I want her to grow up in and to know that, you know, I want her to see me as a role model for herself.

 

00;12;14;05 – 00;12;16;10

Christine

Like when she gets older.

 

00;12;16;13 – 00;12;34;03

Dr. Mona

I was right there with you that I was so burnt out from being full time, you know, in medicine. And then I thought about quitting, but then I’m like, I don’t even know if I could be home full time, though. Like that is not what I want. So like you said, it’s also really stepping back and saying, what do I want?

 

00;12;34;03 – 00;12;53;27

Dr. Mona

What are my priorities in life? Like what would be something that would create balance for me and not for somebody else? Because you could talk to a stay at home mom if we’re going to use the terminology there. And she could say, this is my dream. I am so content doing that. And I would look at her and say, well, like, I give you so much props because it is not easy.

 

00;12;53;29 – 00;13;07;23

Dr. Mona

Like, I like having this part time being able to leave the house, you know, see my colleagues and chat about adult things. But I love coming home to my child. Did you ever feel resentment towards your job when you went back? Or I was.

 

00;13;07;26 – 00;13;30;05

Christine

Gonna say, I would feel so selfish just for like wanting to get out of the house and finding a little bit of reprieve in going to work. You know, it was a weird feeling because I’m like, well, I’m not being a mom to the fullest. It was kind of that feeling where it’s like, I’m not taking care of her for majority of the day.

 

00;13;30;07 – 00;14;01;23

Christine

But, you know, I think it’s again, it’s another thing that I’m trying to remind myself that you can be a parent and show love and provide care in so many different ways. If that means you have to go work outside the home to provide for your children, or that means you staying with your children to provide the care, it just there’s so many different ways that it looks like and, you know, I think just that societal norm is what we’re so used to.

 

00;14;01;25 – 00;14;20;13

Dr. Mona

Yeah. I mean, I think, you know, the way we define happiness and, you know, what our children will need really comes down to what brings you peace and joy in your life and what creates balance for you. Right. And that’s going to look different from so many different people, like I mentioned. And that is what’s going to really shine for your child.

 

00;14;20;13 – 00;14;37;19

Dr. Mona

And you said it earlier, like your daughter’s IRA is going to see that you’re working and you’re committed to a passion of yours. It’s all about the passion, right? If you work a lot of hours and you are so in love with that job, and maybe you don’t love every day, right? We understand that even the best jobs are not perfect.

 

00;14;37;19 – 00;15;01;06

Dr. Mona

And I think that’s very important to normalize. And that’s also motherhood. Even the best days are not always perfect. Motherhood is not perfect. You can love motherhood and complain about it. You can love your job and complain about it. It doesn’t mean it has to be this or that. It can be both correct. And I think that dichotomy is so important to remember, so that we don’t create guilt for ourselves, that, hey, I love this, but it’s also really hard.

 

00;15;01;13 – 00;15;24;21

Dr. Mona

I like this and it’s also really hard and more of that I think can give us more peace. And when we find that peace, that ability to say, you know what, I feel content at work. I love coming home and seeing you, and I’m going to try to be as mindful and present with you when I can. You know, it’s one thing that I really try to do with our busy schedules is Ryan’s at school.

 

00;15;24;21 – 00;15;41;28

Dr. Mona

I’m at work right? Or doing stuff at home. And when he gets home from school, that two hours, 2.5 hours is our time. Because the whole day we didn’t get that right. For some moms and some families, that may look like half an hour some days, like what you mentioned earlier, it could never happen because you’re late and you miss bedtime.

 

00;15;42;03 – 00;16;01;08

Dr. Mona

But it’s those moments of saying, you know what? Put my phone away. Let me be present for this moment. And your child needs quality, not quantity. And I’ve spoken about that, you know, plenty of times on my Instagram. And I know, you know, that is that the quality is what they’re going to really remember. Those moments where you were relaxed enough to laugh, where you were making fun of things.

 

00;16;01;08 – 00;16;14;08

Dr. Mona

You know, you guys were laughing together. They’re going to really remember those moments of joy that you brought in versus, okay, my mommy was home for, you know, the whole day. And she was tired and, you know, burnt out all of that.

 

00;16;14;10 – 00;16;47;08

Christine

Yeah. It’s all of these things that you just mentioned are such great reminders that we could all use because it’s so easy to get lost in that routine. And you kind of just, you know, I’m finding myself there the weekdays is just like day after day, same thing, same routine. And then, yeah, just reminding ourselves that these little moments of quality is what we need to fill our cup so that, you know, as a mom, my cup is filled so I can go into work and I can focus on that.

 

00;16;47;10 – 00;16;55;02

Christine

And then when I come home, you know, vice versa. It’s like I’ve done my best at work and then I can come home and be fully present.

 

00;16;55;04 – 00;17;13;22

Dr. Mona

And I really, you know, going back to one of the first things that we mentioned is the expectations, you know, managing the expectations to understand that we can’t do it all. We’re only able to do as much as there are hours in the day. All of us need to sleep. All of us have, you know, other priorities, things going on.

 

00;17;13;27 – 00;17;35;07

Dr. Mona

But it’s really about understanding that balance and managing expectations. Saying I’m human and I am not doing it all and nor should I. And I need to take a break. And it’s so exciting when you can get to that point and say, yeah, I’m going to not feel guilty when I say no to things. I’m going to take rest if I need to.

 

00;17;35;14 – 00;17;56;09

Dr. Mona

And for so many of us that, you know, have careers and even if we don’t and we are fully stay at home, it is a lot of energy and a lot of dedication that went into that role that we sometimes feel like I have to give it 100%, and then we’re like, well, I can’t do 100% of this and then also do 100% of the other role all at the same time.

 

00;17;56;09 – 00;18;20;19

Dr. Mona

And so removing that guilt, managing the expectations that we are human and we’re not meant to do it all alone, ever. That we need help and calling on those people that do help us. And sometimes that help may not be there. Right? I know you said like you had resources, but sometimes, you know, just say nanny sick or your child’s sick and has to stay home, out of childcare and you don’t have alternative help.

 

00;18;20;24 – 00;18;38;25

Dr. Mona

You’re again having to look at how am I going to balance this and say no more or, you know, say to my job, hey, I need to take a step back this week because my child is sick or this is happening, and letting go of that guilt because I know there is that guilt that I’m not able to be fully present for my job.

 

00;18;38;25 – 00;18;48;26

Dr. Mona

I’m not being able to be fully present for my child. But your happiness and your joy matters so much. And understanding and proceeding in this whole process totally.

 

00;18;48;26 – 00;18;53;18

Christine

And that guilt is compounded by the fact that I’m a chronic there.

 

00;18;53;20 – 00;18;54;10

Dr. Mona

Yes.

 

00;18;54;12 – 00;19;16;10

Christine

Not something that I’m trying so hard to unlearn because I know it doesn’t do me any good. It doesn’t desire any good. Or my husband and I think, you know, at the end of the day, I try to maintain communication with my husband because I feel sometimes I feel like I’m not contributing enough in the household. His he does.

 

00;19;16;10 – 00;19;18;22

Christine

He works remotely 100%.

 

00;19;18;24 – 00;19;19;12

Dr. Mona

 

00;19;19;15 – 00;19;39;06

Christine

So he actually does pick up a lot of my slack, so to speak, with picking up zero from childcare and things like that. And like, you know, preparing her meals. So I give him so much props. But you know, there are times where I’m chronically apologizing to him too, because what he you know, it’s our partnership and that’s important to me.

 

00;19;39;06 – 00;19;55;03

Christine

But definitely something I’m working on to, you know, drown out the outside noise and not feel the need to apologize to people outside of the household for things that I really shouldn’t be sorry about.

 

00;19;55;10 – 00;20;17;07

Dr. Mona

And I am also a recovering people pleaser, so absolutely resonate with that. And one thing that I found really helps in that situation is reframing that. So for example, you, your partner picked up the and managed the entire bedtime routine. Whatever it is, right? Like meals, bedtime, all that, and you weren’t there and you feel bad because you were a people pleaser.

 

00;20;17;07 – 00;20;36;20

Dr. Mona

And I was there too. And you apologized rather than apologizing or saying, sorry, I want you to take that moment and that feeling and thank your partner and say, you know what? I really love you and I appreciate you for doing all this today. You know, sometimes we forget to show our partners gratitude because we think that we’re all just supposed to do this.

 

00;20;36;26 – 00;20;54;19

Dr. Mona

But I love doing that reframing in the moment because I’ve been there. And rather than saying sorry, sorry, sorry and creating guilt on ourselves, we’re thinking the other person for doing their part in the family and that you recognize it. And then everyone’s a little more happy, right? You are not living in a spiral of guilt and shame.

 

00;20;54;27 – 00;21;10;25

Dr. Mona

You are thinking your partner and saying, I really appreciate you. Like that is so awesome. And Zaya must have loved Daddy Time. Like, I’m just so grateful that you could have done that today. So now your partner feels really good and Zaya obviously feels fine. But the energy, it’s all about that vibe that we’re creating in the home that it’s not guilt.

 

00;21;10;25 – 00;21;34;28

Dr. Mona

Shame. You should do this. I feel bad I’m not doing this. And it creates more of those moments of optimism, of, hey, this is a team effort. Because yes, sometimes it’s going to be more that you’re doing things. Sometimes it’s going to be more that your partner’s doing things. And I do find that that gratitude and that reframing of the guilty moments into things can actually really help re channel and reprogram our brains.

 

00;21;35;01 – 00;21;48;11

Dr. Mona

So we’re not in that cycle of I feel bad, I feel bad, I feel bad, I’m so sorry. No, I’m not sorry. This is my reality. I couldn’t be home earlier and I am so grateful for you. Like I’m just so grateful and then now your partner feels so good.

 

00;21;48;14 – 00;22;04;09

Christine

That’s such a great perspective to look at, because not only do you get out of that cycle of guilt and shame like you had mentioned, but, you know, it’s twofold. Like you’re also feeding into your relationship with your partner and cultivating that.

 

00;22;04;16 – 00;22;29;19

Dr. Mona

And, you know, obviously, I love talking about relationships and human interaction and all of this, which is why I’m so glad that I could have parents join me on the podcast to talk about this. But it is so important, right? There’s in this whole situation that we’re talking about, there are three very important relationships that we’re talking about, the relationship between your child and you, your relationship between your partner and you, and the relationship with yourself.

 

00;22;29;21 – 00;22;47;16

Dr. Mona

You know, obviously, I’m not even bringing in work because I’m sure you’ve seen this quote that goes around, if you were to die tomorrow, your work isn’t going to have throw the funeral, right? It’s going to be your family matters a lot. And I am very family oriented, so maybe that’s why I’m saying that. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t have the job of your dreams.

 

00;22;47;16 – 00;23;06;04

Dr. Mona

It means that your family, the the core nucleus that you know, gives you life, which is your partner and your child. You are providing for them and filling that cup with as much as you need with balance that you need. So that you can be fully present at your job, which will then feed your family. Right. It’s a beautiful cycle.

 

00;23;06;09 – 00;23;31;28

Dr. Mona

It’s so important to kind of remember that everything’s connected and it’s just all about that balance of this is what is a priority for me. This is what I need to work on now. And that relationship with my partner is extremely important. But the most important thing is that relationship with myself and the identities that I hold, which is kind of the whole focus of this conversation, that how can I tell myself and remove that guilt?

 

00;23;31;28 – 00;23;39;09

Dr. Mona

And I you know, we just talked about some strategies to say, yes, I am doing the best that I can with the information and resources I have right now.

 

00;23;39;16 – 00;24;05;13

Christine

Yeah. It’s, you know, I’m it’s really funny that you bring up the relationship with self because in talking about my different identities, you know, since the beginning of our conversation, all I’ve thought about is my relationships with others. And I failed to recognize that relationship with myself, because that tends to be the last thing that I think about, especially now as a new mom.

 

00;24;05;16 – 00;24;22;29

Dr. Mona

And that is I think one of the hardest transitions is that we lose again our identity so much because, you know, we had all of these things that defined us before becoming a mom. And then you add mom and all of those other identities tend to take a backseat, like you mentioned. Right? So you were a great partner.

 

00;24;23;00 – 00;24;41;02

Dr. Mona

You were thriving at your job, and then you add mom and you’re trying to figure out motherhood, and you’re doing a great job in that. But sometimes you can. It can feel chaotic. Sometimes it feels like, am I doing a good job? And then you’re putting all your time and energy into that, and your relationship and your work are now taking that backseat.

 

00;24;41;04 – 00;24;58;27

Dr. Mona

And when you can start to say, what is it that I want? What is it that I need? And again, going back to being a little more selfish with our needs. And that doesn’t mean that you’re going to not be there for your child or your partner, but really just taking a self-centered and self-centered is not a bad word.

 

00;24;58;27 – 00;25;19;29

Dr. Mona

It’s looking inside ourselves and saying, yeah, I need this. I struggle with this. I know my identity is X, Y, and Z and this is what I thrive in. This is what I need to work on, and that can really help us thrive in all of those different aspects. Like if you’re really good at time management, right, you tell yourself, I’m really good at time management.

 

00;25;20;04 – 00;25;36;26

Dr. Mona

I’m not really great at this. Let me see how I can utilize my time management skills to really serve me better in all of my areas of my life, and if you’re not so good at a certain area, then you say that’s okay. And if it’s something that you really need to work on for the family or whatever, then you work on it.

 

00;25;37;01 – 00;25;56;12

Dr. Mona

But just say you’re not a great cook. It’s okay if you’re not a great cook. But just so you thrive at, you know, playing with your daughter, then you see, hey, talk to your partner. The partner is going to cook, or we get takeout or we whip up quick meals. Right. We look at that balance that you can focus on your strengths and amplify the strengths, and then work on the weaknesses.

 

00;25;56;12 – 00;26;09;27

Dr. Mona

If you want to call them weaknesses and see, do I need to make that a priority, or is it okay to just say, I’m so great at certain things and I’m not so great at certain things, and I am okay with being in the state?

 

00;26;09;29 – 00;26;47;07

Christine

Yeah, that’s a great way to think about it. Looking at as a partnership like in the relationship like what is our strengths and you know where are opportunities. Certain movement or where is it that one person can, you know, kind of fill that gap because the other person, you know, focus on something else, there’s something about having a little human, you know, in this world that you were responsible for creating and growing in your room, that feel the thought of like thinking about, what do I need?

 

00;26;47;07 – 00;27;13;13

Christine

I guess that question alone, it just feels so wrong. It feels so selfish and like, not something I should even be thinking about. There are moments where I have those thoughts and I know that’s not right because I need to take care of myself first in order to be the best version of myself for Sarah. And, you know, for everyone else in my life.

 

00;27;13;16 – 00;27;26;15

Christine

So I think it’s that giving myself the same opportunity to foster that relationship with myself, the way I’ve fostered the relationship with her growing up. Right.

 

00;27;26;18 – 00;27;43;04

Dr. Mona

Right. And I think a lot of my followers, a lot of people listening, we put so much energy into that parent child relationship, which is not going to go away. When you start to focus more on yourself, it’s actually going to be amplified, because when you start to focus more on yourself, it doesn’t mean that you’re going to get a manicure pedicure.

 

00;27;43;04 – 00;28;05;13

Dr. Mona

It doesn’t mean that it’s the grace. It’s the self-compassion, and it’s all of the small things that we do for ourselves to release the guilt, to reframe, to manage expectations, that allows us to be more present for our child and really amplify those experiences and those moments with them, even if they’re not hours a day, even if they’re only ten minutes, because we’re content, we’re happy with who we are.

 

00;28;05;13 – 00;28;09;17

Dr. Mona

And that is when I think the biggest joy and biggest piece come into our lives as moms.

 

00;28;09;20 – 00;28;35;23

Christine

Yeah, definitely. And I, you know, over time, I think about when she’s a lot older and, you know, very independent and no longer needs us the same way. I don’t want to be in a place where I am completely lost and don’t even know myself because I’ve shed, you know, all my other identities except being a mother.

 

00;28;35;23 – 00;28;58;26

Christine

Like, I think there’s a value in, you know, maintaining hobbies and, yes, things that we enjoy in life for that exact reason. Because then at that point, like, what is our existence? Essentially because we’ve spent so much time focusing on someone other than ourselves, like, what are we left with?

 

00;28;58;29 – 00;29;17;11

Dr. Mona

And my mom is that person who put all of her identity into her children. And then, you know, that’s how they become empty nesters, right? You become the children grow up, they move away. And my mom’s identity was her children, and that’s not bad. But it’s also not healthy to forget all those identities that used to define you.

 

00;29;17;16 – 00;29;38;14

Dr. Mona

Because, like you said, the children will grow old, the children will move away, and then you’re left with that void, that emptiness, that what did I just do for the last 18 years of my child’s life, you know, or when you start to put all of your energy and focus into saying, I am a mom and this is the only thing that I am, and I’m, this is all I’m doing, and that’s it.

 

00;29;38;14 – 00;30;06;29

Dr. Mona

And this is my priority. Then what happens if your child throws a tantrum? If your child goes to sleep regressions? If your child says, mommy, I hate you, which can I be honest, the most loving parents that can happen, right? You’re going to feel yourself with such immense guilt because you put so much pressure on yourself to do everything so perfectly for that child, and then they’re, you know, doing something that is very childlike and you feel bad and that’s why it’s so important to diversify your identity and say, this is just a moment.

 

00;30;06;29 – 00;30;30;00

Dr. Mona

This is a phase. You know, I am more than just a mom. I am more than just a partner. I am more than just, you know, a nursing manager or a pediatrician. I am doing so much more than that. And it really can help with reframing when one aspect of our lives is kind of crumbling, or one aspect of our lives is not going as planned, because we know that that’s not the only thing that defines us.

 

00;30;30;00 – 00;30;47;18

Dr. Mona

And I love that you brought that up, because that is exactly why I love diversify ING our identity and not forgetting who we were before becoming moms, and respecting the fact that when we become moms, yeah, you might not be able to do everything that you normally did with the same amount of time, but you don’t have to forget those things completely.

 

00;30;47;18 – 00;31;07;11

Dr. Mona

Like, you can use nap times to build a podcast. You can use nap times to, you know, work on a hobby. If it is like crafting or cooking or baking or whatever it is that fills you with joy, even if it’s once a week, even if it’s once a month, but you are making sure that you are taking time for your passions, which is what I mentioned earlier.

 

00;31;07;11 – 00;31;11;12

Dr. Mona

Those are the things that are going to give you light and give you peace in this journey.

 

00;31;11;14 – 00;31;35;16

Christine

Yeah. And I think definitely there definitely is a cultural aspect, I think culturally where immigrant mentality, yeah. You know, we’re expected to kind of be of service to our elders. And that’s kind of how I grew up. I’m pretty sure it was a lot stronger, of a vibe that my mom grew up in the environment.

 

00;31;35;16 – 00;32;06;08

Christine

And so I think that shift from that to, okay, where in the United States, this is a different culture that we’re growing up in different environment. It’s hard. That’s kind of all my parents knew. And I know for a fact that my mom did have a little bit of a struggle when just transitioning out. And maybe that’s where that transition challenge for myself, maybe that’s where it comes from.

 

00;32;07;02 – 00;32;18;19

Christine

But I think we’re trying to unlearn so many things that we grew up with, you know, just like I’ve had traumas. Yeah, it’s a wild journey. All of it.

 

00;32;18;22 – 00;32;37;20

Dr. Mona

And as you know, we could talk about all that as a second episode in terms of the childhood traumas and unpacking all of that. And, you know, people pleasing is actually a form of not trauma, but form of, you know, how we were parented. And I a lot of immigrant children are people pleasers. A lot of women are people pleasers.

 

00;32;37;20 – 00;33;02;26

Dr. Mona

It’s just cultural. It’s unfortunate gender biases, all of that. And it’s undoing that to a point where we understand why you can say no more. And again, that’s what’s going to give us the peace. And Christine, I am just so grateful that we could talk about all of this today. I could talk to you more about motherhood, and I’m just so grateful that you’re also part of the Peter Doctor community, the new Mom Survival Guide community, and that we can connect more and more on this journey through motherhood.

 

00;33;02;26 – 00;33;04;12

Dr. Mona

So thank you for joining me today.

 

00;33;04;14 – 00;33;07;05

Christine

Thank you so much for your time, Doctor Warner.

 

00;33;07;08 – 00;33;36;16

Dr. Mona

I loved talking to Christine on this episode and on Monday mornings with Doctor Mona. You’re not only going to hear parenting tips, you’re also going to hear mindfulness tips that can really help us be more present and mindful as parents. My three take homes for this episode. Number one, managing expectations. And I know this is really hard and it’s something that has been a struggle for me, but I’ve finally gotten to a place where I get better at managing expectation, so I’m not as disappointed in myself or with others.

 

00;33;36;18 – 00;33;57;00

Dr. Mona

And I mentioned on the episode that it’s so important on how we manage the expectations, on our perception that we can, quote unquote, do it all. We are not meant to do it all. We are meant to parent with assistance. Whether we have a partner or a single parent. We need our community. We need people to lean on emotionally, physically, to help with childcare.

 

00;33;57;02 – 00;34;19;11

Dr. Mona

All of those things are important because we are going to find more peace when we understand that we are human and can’t do it all. Number two, stop the comparison game. I mentioned this on the episode that when we get into that comparison game of, well, so-and-so is doing this and maybe I should be doing this, that is when we can really see ourselves be robbed of joy in motherhood and parenting.

 

00;34;19;13 – 00;34;39;17

Dr. Mona

Everybody has different resources. Some people may be working full time outside of the home. Some people may have a live in nanny, some people may have a nanny that’s full time or family around. We all have different resources, so it’s important to remember that you are doing your best with the information and resources you have. And number three, control the people pleasing.

 

00;34;39;19 – 00;35;03;27

Dr. Mona

Stop saying sorry all the time. And I’m saying this as a former or recovering people pleaser, this is so important to try to remember that you don’t always have to apologize for everything. Now there are going to be certain situations that may be yes, you do need to apologize, but if you’re running late, if you couldn’t be there for something, if something was out of your control, I want you to stop apologizing for it.

 

00;35;04;03 – 00;35;19;10

Dr. Mona

An example I want to give is in my office. You know, I wish I had more time with my patients, but I can’t control the schedule that’s created by the corporate medicine entity. So sometimes my patients are waiting a long time. So rather than saying sorry, sorry, sorry, let me explain to you why I’m late. Data. Data, duh.

 

00;35;19;14 – 00;35;39;20

Dr. Mona

Which that person doesn’t need to hear. I think that person for waiting. I go in and I say, thank you so much for waiting. I appreciate you so much. And then I get into it. Why I do this I mentioned this with Christine because when you go in sorry, sorry sorry sorry, not only are you going to continue to feel terrible or guilty, that person now has it in their head that, yeah, you made a mistake.

 

00;35;39;23 – 00;35;57;14

Dr. Mona

That’s a mistake. And we want to create an environment of positivity. And you can do this at home with your partner. If you’re running late or your partner now has to do a bedtime routine when they don’t normally do it, that is the load that we share as caregivers, so thank them and vice versa. I hope that can be given to you as well.

 

00;35;57;16 – 00;36;14;19

Dr. Mona

I hope this episode was helpful. If you love the PedsDocTalk podcast and you love this Monday morning to Doctor Mona episode, please make sure to leave a review or a rating. This is how the community continues to grow here on the podcast, and I can’t wait to talk to another parent next Monday.