Motherhood can oftentimes feel isolating. It can feel more isolating if you don’t have a community (or that village everyone talks about in parenting) to lean on. I welcome Natasha, who is a mother of a 1-year-old and lives in Germany. She lacks that physical support system (friends and relatives) and we discuss:

• Why not having this support system is so hard
• How to reframe when we find ourselves comparing our situation to others
• Reframing guilt when you want help as a mom

00;00;00;03 – 00;00;20;12

Dr. Mona

As mothers, I think we spend so much of our life taking care of other people, right? We take care of our child, we take care of our partner. But then we sometimes forget that we also need to be taken care of. And that village, that’s my envision of a village. My envision of a village is who can make me supported, who can support my needs and my energy.

 

00;00;20;12 – 00;00;29;23

Dr. Mona

Besides my partner who has his own life, someone externally that can really support us. And I think that brings us more peace.

 

00;00;29;25 – 00;00;53;13

Dr. Mona

Welcome back to the PedsDocTalk podcast. This podcast continues to grow because of you, your reviews and how you tune in every week to hear about parenting, mindfulness, child development, and health. So thank you so much for tuning in. Today on this episode of Monday Mornings with Doctor Mona, I am talking with Natasha about raising a child when you don’t have that proverbial village.

 

00;00;53;13 – 00;01;17;08

Dr. Mona

Now, I’ve done a similar episode solo on March 7th, 2022 about tips to reframe when you don’t have that support system, but it was so nice to actually talk to a mom on this podcast directly. And Natasha lives in Germany and she is an expat who lives in Germany with her partner, and we discussed so many of the similarities that we all share and sometimes don’t talk about.

 

00;01;17;08 – 00;01;21;06

Dr. Mona

So it was a great conversation that I can’t wait for you all to listen to.

 

00;01;21;08 – 00;01;28;29

Dr. Mona

Hey Natasha, thank you so much for joining me on Monday mornings with Doctor Mona. But tell me, what is on your mind today as a mom?

 

00;01;29;01 – 00;01;51;13

Natasha

Hey, doctor. Mona Amin, first of all, thanks so much for having me on your podcast. It’s a great resource for me as a first time mom. And, one of the struggles that I have at the moment or that I’ve had in this first year of motherhood, is becoming a first time parent without having any family support around, my husband and I, we are both expats.

 

00;01;51;13 – 00;02;22;19

Natasha

We both live in Germany, away from our family. And yeah, I as soon as I had my baby, I realized how we didn’t really have a real violet, so. And, yeah. So our challenges right now revolve around finding ways to build this village in the city that we’ve even. And so we need to get creative. Yeah. And my main goal is just for us to prevent being burned out as first time parents.

 

00;02;22;21 – 00;02;25;22

Natasha

So that’s my my main issue, I would say. Yeah.

 

00;02;26;02 – 00;02;28;04

Dr. Mona

And you have, son, how old is he?

 

00;02;28;04 – 00;02;30;11

Natasha

You said he’s 13 months.

 

00;02;30;13 – 00;02;51;02

Dr. Mona

Wow. So, yeah, you went through one of, I would say, one of the hardest transitions, which is that postpartum that first year, you know, there’s a lot happening with that child and obviously a lot of care that happens from our end. Care is going to happen the entire childhood. But I do believe that that first years, you know, with the sleeping and the whether you rest or formula fed or, you know, all the things that happen with development.

 

00;02;51;02 – 00;03;12;23

Dr. Mona

So it is a hard time. It feels even more isolating in those early months. I will say absolutely yes. And what has been the most frustrating? Or if you wanna use that word or hardest aspect of this, of not having that village or that support system. I’m sure you can name a few, but what is it that really, as a mother, makes you feel sad or makes you feel upset?

 

00;03;12;23 – 00;03;16;11

Dr. Mona

Or even maybe some resentment? Like what are your feelings behind this?

 

00;03;16;14 – 00;03;50;14

Natasha

Yeah, I think, one of the first things that comes to my mind is just the fatigue and, just being the primary caregiver and feeling as though, we don’t have anyone to keep in that. It’s just my husband and I. And, this also, puts a lot of challenge to us as a couple, you know, because we kind of, I mean, we kind of have become more like a functional partnership rather than a romantic couple, if you know what I mean.

 

00;03;50;17 – 00;04;20;16

Natasha

We struggle to find that romance that we once had. And it’s been difficult to find that balance because, well, we both share the care for our son. And so conversations, usually go around, okay, who’s going to care of our son today? You know, this split in responsibilities and it becomes very transactional sometimes. So that has been stress, you know, and it has created some tension and some conflict that wasn’t there before having a kid.

 

00;04;20;19 – 00;04;43;25

Natasha

So I think that has been frustrating for both of us trying to find these balance, trying to navigate these new waters and also trying to find time for ourselves. So, it has been a challenge, you know? So like I said at the beginning, we have had to get creative and, yeah. So this trust in the couple, I think, is one of the things that has been most frustrating.

 

00;04;43;27 – 00;05;17;04

Natasha

And also, I would say maybe not so much now, but very much at the beginning, this push and pull of wanting to be with my child and being very grateful for him, but also missing my old free self. And these I think it’s intensified by the fact of feeling like we don’t have a lot of support, and sometimes I can see other parents first, and parents who maybe have all of the grandparents around and uncles and aunts, and it’s feel sad sometimes.

 

00;05;17;04 – 00;05;21;06

Natasha

On the one hand, we feel sad that we don’t have that around.

 

00;05;21;09 – 00;05;39;10

Dr. Mona

You really embodies so many emotions that I think so many parents go through, including mothers, including, you know, people who don’t have their village. The looking at other people’s situations and what they have. And it’s hard not to say, wow, that’s great. That’s so nice that they have support and maybe can drop their child off to the grandparents house.

 

00;05;39;12 – 00;05;57;25

Dr. Mona

And then the other aspect is that management of guilt, you know, that you mentioned that you love being a mom or you like being a mom, but you also need a break, and you also want someone to take on that mental load or take on the physical load of taking care of a child. And that doesn’t make you any less worthy of being a mom.

 

00;05;57;25 – 00;06;22;14

Dr. Mona

And I say that as someone who shared those same feelings and meets a lot of women who share those feelings, you know that I have this amazing child. I love my child, but I also want time away from my child. So I really want to normalize these feelings that we need our village not only to just help us in an emotional sense of that support, but we also need that village so that we have that break, because that break is how we survive.

 

00;06;22;17 – 00;06;36;10

Dr. Mona

Being a parent is so much more than a job. But I think about it like if you work or have a job outside of being a parent, you need breaks from that job, even if it’s a job you really love. Like if I did something I love, which, by the way, is like Peter dropped off. I love it, but I can’t do it all the time.

 

00;06;36;18 – 00;06;54;12

Dr. Mona

12 hours a day. I need a break. I need something away from that, even if it’s something we really love. And so really normalizing those feelings for you and saying, yeah, I feel that I want help and I would love to find a way to have help, even if it’s just for me to just get an hour of breathing time.

 

00;06;54;23 – 00;06;59;21

Dr. Mona

Do you or your partner work outside the home or have a career outside of being a parent?

 

00;06;59;24 – 00;07;04;28

Natasha

Yes, yes. We both actually are now building our own businesses.

 

00;07;05;00 – 00;07;05;19

Dr. Mona

Oh, wow.

 

00;07;05;19 – 00;07;24;09

Natasha

Yes, yes, it’s been a very interesting, phase in our lives. And so, yes, we do have that. So we also have these pressure that we want to build our businesses that we recognize and yeah, that we want to be successful. We want to be good parents. We want to have it all.

 

00;07;24;12 – 00;07;41;25

Dr. Mona

Oh, Natasha, I feel like I’m resonating so much with you because obviously I’m also building this business, which is PedsDocTalk. And still that same thing to raising a son. My son’s obviously like an, year and a half older than yours and two and a half, but it is a huge reality that we want it all, like, you know, I get it.

 

00;07;41;25 – 00;08;00;06

Dr. Mona

We want that child rearing and we want to be a great parent, but we also have these dreams that may exist outside of motherhood or maybe someone listening. They have other passion projects or something else that brings them joy and that constant battle and that, you know, push and pull is so hard to kind of accept sometimes and just say, hey, this is my reality.

 

00;08;00;10 – 00;08;16;03

Dr. Mona

Do you by any chance, have anybody besides your partner who can help on a as needed basis, whether it’s a nanny who comes in or a baby sitter or anyone else that is that person, or maybe you used to have that that can aid you guys, in your parenting journey.

 

00;08;16;06 – 00;08;36;18

Natasha

Yeah, we do, we do. And I do want to say that, I am very lucky to live in Germany because we have extensive maternity leave here, and we have childcare, and we have things that I know, not a lot of, mothers have in the US. And, so on the I’m very grateful for those things that we do have.

 

00;08;36;23 – 00;08;59;10

Natasha

So my son will go to childcare, in around two weeks. Okay. We’ll be a big help for both of us. So, on the one hand, I have that. And, yes, I did, this first year, I did, have a nanny. I mean, not, from the very beginning because I was very scared of having a nanny.

 

00;08;59;10 – 00;09;27;05

Natasha

I don’t know if that’s the right word, but I was. I didn’t know how to have a nanny in my house. I hear you. You know how I felt that I needed to do everything and that no one else could do what I was supposed to do as a mother. And, also, it was a challenge, to try to normalize, these two trades to understand that this is, completely normal, to want to hire support, you know, because we don’t have this deal it here.

 

00;09;27;05 – 00;09;48;02

Natasha

So we kind of have to create it. Yes. Hiring a nanny was, something that we were both agreeing on doing. And, we do have a nanny right now, so, yeah, she comes around, a few hours during the week. It’s. We have a flexible schedule, so it really helps a lot. Yes.

 

00;09;48;04 – 00;10;05;10

Dr. Mona

I have a few comments. So first comment is, even though your reality is different than mine, right? Meaning, as a working mom in America versus a working mom in Germany with your child leave and child care. Even though that you say that. Yeah, I’m very grateful for that. I know you know this, but I want to make it very clear for everyone listening.

 

00;10;05;15 – 00;10;26;03

Dr. Mona

You can still hold gratitude for a situation, but also admit that it’s hard, right? Like you have access, but it’s hard still, right? Not having that village like we talked about, the first thing that I will say is, I do believe that gratitude is something that is very valuable. And that misconception that gratitude means that you you’re dismissive of the actual reality.

 

00;10;26;03 – 00;10;45;23

Dr. Mona

That’s not the case, right? I love having the gratitude when I do have the help. You know, for a long time I lamented the fact that I did not have help. And we also do not have anyone living near us that can help us. We don’t have a lot of friends, even because all of our friends left in the pandemic, like all of our good friends that have families and we have nobody.

 

00;10;45;23 – 00;11;05;15

Dr. Mona

I mean, like you, like it’s nobody. Like I’m being very blunt and saying that I have one friend, but she is at her family’s out of town a lot, and then everyone else. I’m trying to make connections, but they live like an hour and a half away. Or, you know, they’re busy on weekends and we’re free. And it’s hard to make friends in your late 20s, 30s and 40s and beyond.

 

00;11;05;17 – 00;11;23;19

Dr. Mona

What I found that really helped is I would lament that situation of, oh, well, I don’t have help, I don’t have help. And then I would get these sort of random babysitters that were consistent but not always coming in. And I started to say, you know what? When I don’t have the help, it’s not fun like I there are many days where I’m just like, this is my reality.

 

00;11;23;22 – 00;11;39;26

Dr. Mona

I can’t change it. I can’t change the fact that right now I don’t have the village or have the help, but I am going to really enjoy it when that person comes. And that takes a lot of understanding. And like you said, it’s not easy at first for a mother, especially to let go of that control with their child.

 

00;11;39;26 – 00;11;59;02

Dr. Mona

But in the process, I started to learn that, yeah, I can even be upstairs if I want to gradually do this and then eventually go on little errands and get more into it so that I can get that time, that mental peace for myself so that I can come back to Ryan, my child, feeling more energized, feeling ready to be with him because I got a break.

 

00;11;59;02 – 00;12;15;20

Dr. Mona

So that practicing of gratitude for when we do get help, even if it’s not a constant help, even if it’s not the reality we want, right? Like I think what would you say in your dream world would be your favorite situation? Who would you want around you? What would you want? I would love to hear that because I think everyone has something different.

 

00;12;15;23 – 00;12;35;25

Natasha

Yeah, I mean, it’s tricky, right? Because it’s like it stems from this comparison trap. Yes. Yeah. I see other families. And when I see other parents and I see friends that have kids and that they’re able to leave their kids at the grandparents and just go on a weekend as a couple. And sometimes I think about this and I say, oh my God, I will.

 

00;12;35;25 – 00;12;54;16

Natasha

I don’t know when I will have this or if we will have this, but something like this would be amazing. You know, just for example, a few weekends ago I went to a hotel room. I booked a hotel room for myself just to spend the night to have a bit of quality sleep and also just to start my morning slow.

 

00;12;54;16 – 00;13;15;23

Natasha

I mean, this is something that I, for example, I really missed, I mean, since slow mornings and of course with baby you don’t really get to have slow mornings. So things like that. It’s this would be ideal if I could just leave my tile overnight at someone that I know that I save, that I know their love for, that they’re cared for and just have these kind of breathers.

 

00;13;15;23 – 00;13;31;09

Natasha

This would be ideal. Or just have these grandparents around. Giving myself so much love. Not on the basis this is something that we really miss. It’s also not only about the extra support that you have, but also about your son being surrounded by this love.

 

00;13;31;11 – 00;14;03;17

Dr. Mona

Oh, and that love is radiates right? Like it permeates through home. I think people are different. I think not all women, but I think many women I speak to like that company, whether it’s nonverbal or just physical presence of someone else. Not always right, like someone like an adult who’s just kind of a calming presence. And when you have that nice grandparent, whether it’s a couple or, individual, it can, like you said, like really helped just the emotional piece, like, my mom is coming to visit me in three weeks from the time of this recording and I am like, already, just like my energy’s already vibing.

 

00;14;03;17 – 00;14;18;01

Dr. Mona

Like, I’m just feeling so grateful to have her just for a week. She’s coming. But I hear you. I hear that, and it’s not like it. Like we said earlier, it’s not that I need her to do everything for Ryan. I can handle Ryan. I would like you to do some things for me. Like take care of me.

 

00;14;18;01 – 00;14;38;11

Dr. Mona

As mothers, I think we spend so much of our life taking care of other people, right? We take care of our child, we take care of our partner. But then we sometimes forget that we also need to be taken care of. And that village, that’s my envision of a village. My envision of a village is who can make me supported, who can support my needs and my energy.

 

00;14;38;11 – 00;14;57;18

Dr. Mona

Besides my partner who has his own life, someone externally that can really support us. And I think that brings us more peace. Whether it’s hey, did you eat today? Hey, do you want me to take care of that for you? Like taking initiative? And it’s with that nanny situation too, right? Like having good energy in your home. Like, I hope that any you have is great.

 

00;14;57;18 – 00;15;17;19

Dr. Mona

Like, I’m very big on the nannies that we have in our home. And I think some people may look and say, well, that’s been very picky, but it’s not even about the tasks that that nanny does that I’m actually a little lenient about. I’m talking about the vibe, the energy, the the support, the conversation. I know that’s seems silly, but to me that’s really important because I don’t have the village.

 

00;15;17;19 – 00;15;35;12

Dr. Mona

I like having someone to talk to in the morning and just, you know, talk about random stuff about the day or what’s happening and just laugh with an adult. You know, we forget the importance of just chatting with an adult from time to time. That takes away from that monotony of child rearing, which is beautiful in its own right.

 

00;15;35;12 – 00;15;49;10

Dr. Mona

But it’s hard. It’s hard to constantly talk to a one year old or constantly talk to a two year old. Sometimes you just want to have a conversation with an adult. Sometimes you don’t. But it’s just it’s so beautiful when you get those opportunities. So I completely resonate with that.

 

00;15;49;12 – 00;16;17;24

Natasha

Yes. No, absolutely. And, yeah, like you were saying as well, it’s to build a village also for me has meant to connect with other moms and build this community around. Yeah, other moms that are going through the same thing first time parents and just knowledge. And because we’re all kind of learning by doing and it’s, so unbelievable how much of a community you can build with other moms that are kind of in the same boat.

 

00;16;17;28 – 00;16;20;27

Natasha

And that has also helped a lot.

 

00;16;20;29 – 00;16;37;21

Dr. Mona

I completely agree, and I know we talked about the gratitude, you know, especially when we do get the help, when we are feeling like I don’t have help or I don’t have this right. So just say we, me and you are feeling like we don’t have our village, right? That’s the reality of a situation. You can’t deny the fact that we don’t have help, right?

 

00;16;37;21 – 00;16;55;17

Dr. Mona

I mean, or the village. So accepting the current reality as I don’t have the village I would have hoped for, and I think just even saying that rather than pushing it away and saying, oh well, it’s fine, it’s fine, no, accept we’re going to accept the reality that I would love to have people around me. I would love to have people feel my home.

 

00;16;55;21 – 00;17;15;00

Dr. Mona

I would love to have that community that I do want as a mother. And someone listening to this would be like, I have no desire for that, right? It’s all about accepting the current reality we have and then realizing that that is okay to feel that way. So not pushing it away and then practicing the gratitude when we do get the help or village in small little amounts.

 

00;17;15;00 – 00;17;33;25

Dr. Mona

So whether you and your partner take a trip to another country to go visit someone or doing a little trip locally, or, you know, meeting other adults for a cup of tea or something, like doing all those little things and being almost mentally very grateful for those opportunities as not, I don’t have this and I want it. It’s okay.

 

00;17;33;25 – 00;17;52;25

Dr. Mona

I don’t have this fine. It’s a reality. But I’m so grateful that I got to have this opportunity to go out to coffee with my friend or, you know, me and my husband had a date night because our nanny was able to come watch. So really using the thing that’s bothering us and reframing it to say, well, here are the moments that I do get it, even if it’s not my lifelong dream.

 

00;17;52;25 – 00;18;08;22

Dr. Mona

My dream may be to have the community and the village, but I have to build it up. The reason I’m really big on this is for we’ve lived in Florida for five years, and since Ryan was born, I always thought that I would move near my family. You know? I always thought I’d move. Move to California. We moved to Tampa.

 

00;18;08;22 – 00;18;31;21

Dr. Mona

We moved somewhere near our family and close friends. And so for a long time, I didn’t create a reality that I’m not there. I’m not in Tampa. I’m not in Southern California. I have to make the most of this situation and try to make my village different than what I would have expected. So that meant reaching out to people that I may not have, like trying to find the friends of the community.

 

00;18;31;23 – 00;18;48;08

Dr. Mona

And it’s a lot more work when you’re a mom. It’s a lot more work because you’re trying to meet friends and the community that you gel with and that your child may gel with, and then also important that you’re not just settling for friendships and villages, right? I don’t want us to think that we need to have a community just to have a community.

 

00;18;48;08 – 00;19;21;15

Dr. Mona

I do believe in quality relationships, like it’s important at our age. You can’t just have these un meaningful relationships that you just hang out because it’s a body. You want to feel inspired, connected. You want to feel uplifted by the women or other people that you’re hanging out with. And that in itself is hard. But really trying to say, here’s my reality I don’t have my village, okay, but I’m going to try to make the most of it, seek out the friends that I need to, and be grateful when I do get those moments, so that I can reframe this entire reality, that this is not what I would have wanted, but it is what

 

00;19;21;15 – 00;19;24;14

Dr. Mona

I’m in now and that can really help in the long run.

 

00;19;24;16 – 00;19;49;15

Natasha

Yes, yes, absolutely. Everything you say really resonates with me and I think that’s one of the biggest gifts also from motherhood is these mindset shifts that we are somehow forced to make, but in a good way, because they’re good mindset shifts. And also, as you say, being grateful for these moments that I do get for myself and really being very appreciative of these self-care moments.

 

00;19;49;18 – 00;20;00;00

Natasha

As from maybe before, I was not that appreciative of my time, and I was just thinking for granted a lot of things. And since becoming a mom, self care has had a.

 

00;20;00;00 – 00;20;00;27

Dr. Mona

Whole yes.

 

00;20;01;05 – 00;20;24;01

Natasha

Meaning I’ve had to really redefine what self-care means to me because of course I have limited time and I just really need to be very wise how I spend my energy. So as you say, if I’m going to build relationships, I want them to be good quality. You know, I just really want everything to nourish me as much as possible because it takes a lot of energy to relax.

 

00;20;24;03 – 00;20;34;14

Natasha

And as you say, it might not be the reality that I wanted, but because I am in this reality, I’ve also had to grow as a person. So I think that’s also a beautiful side of it.

 

00;20;34;16 – 00;20;58;13

Dr. Mona

Yeah, I think you know that take home about who you surround yourself with is very vital to me, because even though I don’t have my village, I tell my husband that I’m not going to settle for relationships just because I don’t have a village. That means that I’m going to be alone more. Does that make sense? Like, I understand that if I’m trying to find quality relationships that I’m going to have to meet friends, like people can be nice and people can be great people, but you could just not be relating.

 

00;20;58;13 – 00;21;15;26

Dr. Mona

And that’s perfectly okay to say, right? Like, we don’t have to be best friends with everybody. We can be nice to everybody and kind, but it’s okay to say, well, yeah, they’re great. But, I’m not really connecting. You know, it’s like a really any relationship. And I think women tend to just fall into that. Okay. I just need someone.

 

00;21;15;26 – 00;21;34;03

Dr. Mona

Let me just settle. No. Even in marriage, relationships or any relationship, we should be empowered. And then the other thing is that comparison that you mentioned, that’s I think one of the biggest things that I had to overcome, and I think I’ve gotten to a point of finally understanding and sometimes it means like for me and like getting off of social media on weekends.

 

00;21;34;03 – 00;21;50;17

Dr. Mona

And I was alone when, you know, weekends tend to be harder because if my husband’s working and everyone else is kind of doing social activities, if I go on social media and see all of the fun activities people are doing, I found myself getting a little more like, yeah, I would love to do that. So I had to protect my peace and say, this is not good for me.

 

00;21;50;17 – 00;22;11;08

Dr. Mona

And then I got better at handling that. But I also know with that comment that you said about, you know, it would be nice to have grandparents, I agree with you. It would be wonderful to have grandparents. I also know many people who have grandparents around, a lot of people who love having their grandparents around, who also know that that’s also not a perfect situation all the time.

 

00;22;11;08 – 00;22;29;28

Dr. Mona

Right? And that is what has really helped me in a reframing. When I start to get that sort of, well, that would be so nice if I had that situation, my dream situation in my life. Like, I don’t know if it’s ever going to happen, would be to have a home that we could afford to have a live in nanny to help us because of our schedule.

 

00;22;29;28 – 00;22;44;15

Dr. Mona

Right? My husband works random hours. I have a business. I’m sure you would agree that it would be nice to have that flexibility of okay, I can curtail the hours in the evenings or in the morning, give the up here or live in a break. Like to me that would be the dream. I don’t know when that’s going to happen.

 

00;22;44;20 – 00;23;05;15

Dr. Mona

I don’t even know if it’s going to happen. And that’s a huge reality. And I see people who have upstairs, I’m like, well, then of course there’s the hard part about having live ins, you know, like sharing your space and things like that. So whenever I’m finding myself wanting or pining over something that I currently do not have, that understanding that there is not always going to be a perfect situation.

 

00;23;05;15 – 00;23;25;13

Dr. Mona

And it’s really just about finding, okay, here is where I’m at right now. This is my reality. My dream would be to get there and have this support. How can I do that? Maybe for you might look like are you going to relocate or are you going to move a family member near you or just build that community and managing the expectation and saying, I can’t tell you how long that’s going to take.

 

00;23;25;13 – 00;23;41;28

Dr. Mona

I can’t tell you that you’re going to have your friend group, because I think for so long I expected it. You know, I’m a very social person and I’m like, why don’t I have this? Why am I not making this friend group and this big community? And then I realize, well, it’s hard. We’re in our 30s. People have their own stuff to do.

 

00;23;42;00 – 00;24;03;07

Dr. Mona

It’s not always that you’re going to connect with everybody. So it’s managing that expectation, avoiding that sort of well, they have this. Their life must be better than mine. It’s no we. Your life is amazing and focusing on all the things that are going well. The I know this is hard, but the time that you get to spend with your partner at the time that you get to spend with your son’s name is Diego, right?

 

00;24;03;07 – 00;24;19;05

Dr. Mona

Like all of these things, it doesn’t take away the fact that we would love, help or love the village, but it also is okay. I get to really be a part of this and that is wonderful. And then when I do get the help, when I do get the village, can you imagine how my life is going to be like, I think about that.

 

00;24;19;05 – 00;24;31;02

Dr. Mona

I’m like, that’s going to be great. But for now, I have to find peace and where I’m at and manifest and hope that maybe one day I’ll find that, but that I have to live in the now, because that’s the only way that we’re going to get through it, you know?

 

00;24;31;05 – 00;24;32;08

Natasha

Yes.

 

00;24;32;10 – 00;24;43;23

Dr. Mona

This is such a great conversation. And have you done anything? It sounds like you’ve done so much in, like reaching out to community, but what else have you kind of done to kind of start creating that village or that support system?

 

00;24;43;26 – 00;25;07;08

Natasha

Yeah, I mean, I think that, so, definitely, finding a nanny, as you say, and I think that I believe that’s been one of the main things. And, just understanding that because I don’t have the village here, as you say, like it’s not the village that I would have wanted, but I know there are a lot of super loving people out there that are ready to do these kind of jobs.

 

00;25;07;08 – 00;25;28;16

Natasha

And I’ve found that the ones that I’ve found are really awesome and the one that we currently have, she’s really awesome. So this is the first thing that I kind of done and just also what you were saying, just reframing a lot of things. And I think that what you said about, this comparison, how we often things think that maybe the grass is greener and it’s might not really be the case sometimes.

 

00;25;28;16 – 00;25;51;12

Natasha

I tried to also ground myself and remember that it doesn’t mean that the grass is greener just because other parents have grandparents around, or whatnot. And because, yeah, yeah, you know, every family has their own issues, their own problems. And I think that what you said is just really important to remember that. Yeah, this is the reality we are in.

 

00;25;51;12 – 00;26;20;20

Natasha

And we can just make little steps to build the reality that we actually want. And, yeah, just be grateful for these little moments. And I think that this mindset shift is very powerful and has been also very powerful for me. And also just understanding that this is a season of like in life. Yes, when my baby was a newborn, because I didn’t know anything about this parenthood world, I thought that basically my life would be always like this, just like this newborn stage.

 

00;26;20;22 – 00;26;41;28

Natasha

And when he grew older, I just realized, okay, it changes. And the newborn’s face was not forever. And toddlerhood will be forever. And he will become more independent. And so accepting these seasons of life has brought me also a lot of peace, because I know that it’s the season, maybe, and these years are hard, but it won’t always be this hard.

 

00;26;42;08 – 00;26;58;03

Dr. Mona

I love talking about the seasons of parenting, and it really goes to show you that yes, at every phase of our lives, whether we have children or not, right, there is going to be things that are going to test us, that are going to make us feel like, I can’t handle this, that how am I going to grow from this?

 

00;26;58;03 – 00;27;18;17

Dr. Mona

And how am I going to learn from this? And it’s through those events, through the not having your village, through the newborn period that you mentioned. All of those experiences make you actually learn and grow so much if you actually channel it in the correct way. Like I look back at a life and I say so much hard has happened, right?

 

00;27;18;17 – 00;27;36;14

Dr. Mona

Especially if you’re a pandemic parent. I’m sure anyone listening who’s a pandemic parent, we do feel a sense of loss and grief. Of all the things that we thought maybe we could have the village, but we can’t because we can’t see them because of Covid, right? Like there was that reality too. But when we kind of look back, it’s going to get better because there’s going to be a time when we’re not in a pandemic.

 

00;27;36;14 – 00;27;51;27

Dr. Mona

There’s going to be time. And Tasha, that I know that you are going to have that village. I’m not denying I know it’s going to happen for you like it’s going to happen for me. And when you get that moment, you’re going to feel, this is great. But I also did enjoy the moments that I did have before I got here.

 

00;27;51;29 – 00;28;07;14

Dr. Mona

As much as I could write like that is, I think the hardest mindset shift is I and you. We both have dreams. You’re an entrepreneur. I am an entrepreneur. I can say with confidence, and I know you’re probably agree, that we have so many dreams in our lives for our own personal, professional life, but also with our children.

 

00;28;07;17 – 00;28;28;27

Dr. Mona

But it feels so hard sometimes to look at that, like in the sky and say, okay, this is something I want, but how do I go towards that? But still be okay with where I’m at right now? And I think that when a person, not just a mother or father, when a person can get to the reality that I am content with where I am, but I also have the goals to get to a future, ideal place.

 

00;28;29;01 – 00;28;44;02

Dr. Mona

That is when I think we get the most peace of confidence and self growth. And it’s a beautiful thing. And I hope just by talking with me about this and getting it out into the world, I hope you feel better too, because I feel better chatting with you, being in that same boat as you.

 

00;28;44;05 – 00;29;09;01

Natasha

Yes, absolutely. I mean, everything you said really resonates, and I feel identified to a lot of things, and. Yeah, as you say, also like this. This has also been an opportunity for me to take that leap and design my life in a way that supports this new situation of motherhood. And so also just wanting to build a business so that I can be more flexible about with my time and so on.

 

00;29;09;01 – 00;29;22;07

Natasha

So it’s also been like a great opportunity. So I’m trying to also remind myself that these are the good old days. And we’ll I will think about this period of my life with a lot of joy.

 

00;29;22;29 – 00;29;48;21

Dr. Mona

I love that. And for people listening, it is so hard to change the way we view struggle. You know, I’ve been there. I mean, I think we all have been there in terms of struggle and how we define struggle. And I feel like I’ve learned so much through struggle, whether it’s physical surgeries that I’ve been through or emotional pain and especially when you’re a mother and I know a lot of mothers listen to this podcast, there’s so much in our lives that is going to feel like it beats us down, and that we won’t be able to get back up.

 

00;29;48;21 – 00;30;07;10

Dr. Mona

Like, I mean, so many things, like whether it’s something with your child or in your work or with a relationship. And as women, I think I feel like women are extremely strong, like and I think sometimes it gets a bad rap like, oh, we’re being forced to be strong because of the, you know, social structures. And but I’m like, no, we are really strong.

 

00;30;07;10 – 00;30;31;16

Dr. Mona

Despite all of that. No one’s forcing us to be strong. Women are really, really strong. I mean, we’re the ones who bear and have, you know, deliver babies. And we it’s this beautiful thing that we can handle really hard times. I don’t want a mother to go through a very hard time ever. But it is such beauty in what you just said, finding that sort of peace and understanding of being able to one day look back and be like, wow, I got through that.

 

00;30;31;16 – 00;30;51;07

Dr. Mona

I got through not having a my village and it was hard. I went through an emotional rollercoaster many times and I finally see my village here and it brings me so much peace. But, I love that. I love that feeling and I cannot wait to touch base with you when you finally get to that point. But when you get to that point, I know you’re not going to be miserable getting to that point.

 

00;30;51;07 – 00;31;08;00

Dr. Mona

I know you’re going to find that peace along the process. And because you’re going to find the peace is how you’re going to reach that goal, right? It’s that mindset of, I am here, I’m doing this. It’s my reality. It doesn’t have to be great all the time, but I’m going to put my mind and my heart into making this happen for me.

 

00;31;08;00 – 00;31;26;23

Dr. Mona

And I’m really big on mindset. I know some people Pooh Pooh it, but there’s power in manifestation. There’s power and saying, I want this. So badly and then you put the work in. Also, it’s not 100%, you know, I want this to happen and it’s going to happen. It’s it has realistic expectations. I want this dream. I wish so much for you and your partner that your business succeeds.

 

00;31;26;23 – 00;31;50;12

Dr. Mona

And I can tell just by speaking to you for half an hour that it is going to. You have the grit and you have the understanding of what it takes, you know, for for that. And again, I’m just so grateful that we could chat today. Thank you for coming on and chatting with me about all of these very vulnerable, open topics that every mother, father, especially these women that I know, listen to my podcast because I’ve had these conversations.

 

00;31;50;19 – 00;32;01;26

Dr. Mona

We know it’s going on, but we don’t really talk about it. And that is why this whole series on Monday mornings of Doctor Mona is brings me so much joy. So you have brought me so much joy by just having this conversation with me today. So thank you.

 

00;32;01;28 – 00;32;14;19

Natasha

Yes, thank you for having me. It was really a pleasure. And I hope that, some of your listeners can also feel identified and feel better by listening to my conversation. Oh.

 

00;32;14;21 – 00;32;36;22

Dr. Mona

It was so nice talking to Natasha because like I said, we all at some point may go through these feelings, but sometimes we don’t talk about it, and sometimes just getting it out there can really help in accepting it as a reality and finding ways to move forward, as I do with on Monday mornings with Doctor Mona episodes, I want to wrap up this conversation with some take home points.

 

00;32;36;24 – 00;33;01;01

Dr. Mona

Number one, it’s really hard to accept our current reality, but it’s a very important process in healing now, when you’re grieving through whatever it may be, whether it is the loss of the community you expected or whether it is, you know, traumatic birth or whatever it may be, that you are grieving the loss of acceptance is part of that grieving process, and it doesn’t mean that you’re denying that the situation is not favorable, that the situation has really hurt you.

 

00;33;01;03 – 00;33;23;23

Dr. Mona

But it’s really important to accept so that we can move forward and not push it back and say it’s not a problem. It’s not a big deal. Everyone has it much worse. Yes, that could be a reality, but it is causing you pain. It is causing you uncomfortability. So it’s important to recognize that so you can move forward and make the steps to find that village, work towards that village, if that’s what you want.

 

00;33;23;26 – 00;33;43;24

Dr. Mona

It’s also really important to practice gratitude. When I give the example, when you do get help or when you do get to hang out with someone, yes, that may not be the norm for you and you may want that, but I really hold gratitude for those experiences. When I do get an invitation to a birthday party, or get to hang out with another mom without my child, I mean, these kind of things can really help.

 

00;33;44;01 – 00;34;01;09

Dr. Mona

And although it may not be the norm right now in my life, and it’s something that I would love, I’m grateful for the opportunities that I do get. I’m grateful for the time I get with Ryan, the time I get with my husband again. The way you reframe and practice gratitude is going to be so specific to your situation.

 

00;34;01;12 – 00;34;22;24

Dr. Mona

And the last thing is managing comparison. This is really hard because we do live in a society of social media and what are they doing? And that’s so great that they have that. But we also have to understand that the grass is always going to be greener on the other side if we don’t water our own grass. So it’s important to look inside your own life and see, well, how can I make the most of my reality and situation?

 

00;34;22;26 – 00;34;44;25

Dr. Mona

Which is why acceptance is one of the biggest things that we can do. It is so hard raising children and it can be even harder when you don’t have that support system. And like I said, that support system goes so much more than the physical help of raising a child. It’s that emotional support that that person and that village can give you as a mother, as a father, as a caregiver, and especially as women.

 

00;34;44;25 – 00;35;06;27

Dr. Mona

You know, we may do a lot of things for other people, but it’s really nice when things get done for us, when someone takes care of you. So maybe you can take care of your children or your partner, or the things that we do as women, as being nurturing human beings. Thank you so much for tuning in. If you love this episode, make sure you share it on your Instagram stories and tag me.

 

00;35;07;02 – 00;35;20;19

Dr. Mona

Leave a review and rating and call out the episode that you really love so people can go to it and listen to it. And this podcast can continue to grow, so I can keep doing this for all of you. Thank you so much for tuning in, and I can’t wait to talk to another mom next week.