On this episode, I welcome a mom who struggles with resentment towards societal gender roles and expectations of being a mom.

We discuss:

• How to handle unreasonable societal expectations for mothers
• How to communicate with loved ones or partner for needs
• How to combat resentment in motherhood

00;00;00;01 – 00;00;25;16

Dr. Mona

And I don’t think our society really allows mothers to do that. We’re like a go getter mindset, but we all need rest, and that’s mental rest. And that’s also physical rest, which I don’t think we do enough of. Hello and welcome back to the PedsDocTalk Podcast. This podcast continues to grow because of you and your review. So if you have not already, make sure to leave that review or rating or leave it again.

 

00;00;25;22 – 00;00;46;28

Dr. Mona

It helps this podcast grow and helps more people discover it. On this episode of Monday Mornings with Doctor Mona, I am talking with a mom of a toddler who struggles with resentment towards the societal expectations that have been placed on mothers. Hello! I’m so happy you could join me today. Tell me what is on your mind today as a mom.

 

00;00;47;00 – 00;01;08;11

Mom

Hello doctor. Mona, I thank you so much for inviting me on. Well, as a mom, there’s always so many things on my mind. But, every so often, usually in times of overwhelm, I’ll have this constant thought that keeps coming up. And it’s just about how difficult and how challenging it is to be a mom, to be a woman.

 

00;01;08;13 – 00;01;33;06

Mom

Like just being female on a daily basis. We deal with like biologic periods, cramps, you know, everything that comes with that and the monthly hormone changes. Then like pregnancy and postpartum and the pain and struggle that we endure. And it’s just so much on our bodies. And on top of that, we’re like raising a new human and working through this new identity as a mom.

 

00;01;33;09 – 00;02;00;24

Mom

And it’s not just that there’s these psychological changes that happen mentally and emotionally that take place after becoming a mom. Well, I mean, they could start during pregnancy as well. It’s just that, you know, that constant worry or just always be on or just that natural concern for a child, you know, just automatically happens. And along with that, in through motherhood, there’s that invisible and constant mental load.

 

00;02;00;24 – 00;02;25;29

Mom

And just being that default parent, there’s just a lot of stress involved. There’s just a lot of thinking and even more so what makes it frustrating is when you see how society and different cultures, they just set expectations of women. There’s like that double standard. And like talking specifically about US culture, there just isn’t much support for mothers, nor are they valued for their role in society.

 

00;02;25;29 – 00;02;50;23

Mom

So just thinking about all that makes those feelings stronger and makes them worse. And when you like, compare it to fathers or just males and females in general, it just looks like females have it so much harder in so many ways. And it’s just been really challenging for me to kind of move past this view or just somehow be more empowered by being a woman.

 

00;02;50;23 – 00;03;08;18

Mom

I’m a mom and, you know, like I know how much mothers can do and how much they’re capable of and it’s amazing. But I have a daughter and she’s two, and I don’t want her to grow up with these same feelings, you know? So it’s just a bit challenging for me to move past that.

 

00;03;08;21 – 00;03;36;20

Dr. Mona

I’m so grateful you came on, because everything you mentioned so far, you know, the challenges of becoming a mom, the identity, the psychological changes, the mental load, the default. I mean, I think every single one of us can agree, especially if you are a mom listening to this, that you’ve also felt at some point, either all of this together or different parts of this at one given time and first off, I do want to say that about that whole psychological changes that happened after becoming a mom that is actually a real thing.

 

00;03;36;26 – 00;03;55;08

Dr. Mona

We call it mom brain. If for anyone who has not listened to episode 73, I actually recorded it with an author of a book called Mom Brain that talks about the psychological changes that happened after becoming a mom. That is different then if you have a male partner or a father, right? This is different things that we go through.

 

00;03;55;08 – 00;04;17;25

Dr. Mona

And you know, that double standard that you mentioned, there is absolutely a double standard in motherhood. And father Hood, you know, you have a father go out on the street and, you know, is walking their child. Society will look at that father and say, oh my God, look at that dad being a good dad. But if a mom is doing the exact same thing walking their child on the street or playing with their child, they’re not going to get the label as a good mom.

 

00;04;17;25 – 00;04;34;06

Dr. Mona

They’re just going to get the label as, oh, this is a mom doing what a mom should be doing. And that is a huge double standard. That doesn’t seem fair. And I agree with that. You know, I always wonder, and I’m excited to have my husband on the podcast because we’re going to talk about this, you know, like, hey, what is it really that you think about?

 

00;04;34;06 – 00;04;51;27

Dr. Mona

And you know, the biases that we have, you know, for ourselves or each other or whatever, but I’m very interested to see if fathers go through the same things that we go through. And I don’t think they do, because when I talk to a lot of women, they tell me, you know, if they are married to a male partner, that their male partner is thinking about other things, right?

 

00;04;51;27 – 00;05;19;07

Dr. Mona

We all will think about different things. I know fatherhood as its own entity is not immune to anything. You know, all the struggles that we also may go through, but they are dealing with maybe different mindset shifts or different struggles, but we do carry a lot as women, and I do believe and agree that based on just the psychological changes and those hormonal changes that you mentioned earlier, that absolutely, this is scientific.

 

00;05;19;07 – 00;05;37;07

Dr. Mona

This isn’t just like us thinking this is happening. This is actually a reality. Yeah. But my question for you, you mentioned that you have a hard time. You know, you’re raising your daughter who’s two. And, you know, obviously she’s a I’m sure an amazing toddler. And you’re trying to create this sort of, you know, empowering environment for her.

 

00;05;37;09 – 00;05;49;22

Dr. Mona

You mentioned that there are some barriers. What is most frustrating or hardest for you to be able to take this sort of reality of the situation and move forward with it, like, what is the hardest thing for you to do with that information?

 

00;05;49;24 – 00;06;30;13

Mom

So I think, like, I know when these feelings are overpowering and it’s not all the time. They’re usually when I’m like really overwhelmed or burnt out and, you know, like just exhausted. And on top of that I’m like, oh my God. Like, you know, cramps or oh, I’m so achy from whatever. It’s just like, you know, I just to being a woman and, you know, like, if I can prevent those moments of overwhelm or if I can take more time, you know, or just be consistent with the daily time for myself and just meeting those basic needs, I know that these feelings won’t come up as much.

 

00;06;30;15 – 00;06;56;25

Mom

And I think another thing is that sometimes boundaries aren’t set. And I know this from like listening to your podcast, which I find, you know, they’ve been really helpful in just like other aspect of motherhood. But like, I notice that, like, if I’m not one taking time for myself to not, you know, keeping certain things, like sometimes just having a clean house keeps me mentally sane.

 

00;06;56;25 – 00;07;17;09

Mom

And I know, like, you know, those are things that will help me if I’m not going out for my walk. And, you know, all these little steps that I know for me from feeling this way, I think when I don’t do them, those come up as barriers as to trying to overcome this. Just view this perspective that, you know, is reality.

 

00;07;17;11 – 00;07;27;05

Mom

Like scientifically, you said it’s just reality. And I just want to feel less like negative about it. You know, I just wanted to feel more empowering.

 

00;07;27;07 – 00;07;46;20

Dr. Mona

And that’s a hard thing, right? Because I’m not in your shoes, nor are you in mine. Everyone is going to be in a different situation. And I think you said it perfectly that it’s embracing the feelings that you’re having and isn’t embracing doesn’t mean that you are like, this is awesome. Life is great. This is perfect. This is exactly how I want my life to be.

 

00;07;46;20 – 00;08;10;04

Dr. Mona

Now it’s accepting what’s happening in your reality and not, you know, not pushing away those feelings. Right? So if you’re feeling this way, that, you know, I am struggling with, you know, the mental load, I’m struggling with all the hormonal changes. That is very different than pre mom. Right? I agree with you. I didn’t realize how much more scattered my brain would be after becoming a mom like I and I.

 

00;08;10;04 – 00;08;34;07

Dr. Mona

Also from a personal aspect, I always prided myself on being very clear minded, right? Like I could be very sharp thinking. And then after I became a mom, that changed. Like I had a lot more on my mind and I wasn’t as sharp of a thinker. I’m obviously I consider myself to be very bright in many ways, but there was a reality there that that shifted because of the hormonal changes, but also the load that we take on as mothers.

 

00;08;34;07 – 00;08;53;27

Dr. Mona

And so what helped me a lot was rather than saying, why am I not like this? Why am I feeling this? Why am I not like, rather than saying that those phrases to myself, it’s here is where I’m at right now. Right now I’m in a mental capacity. That background noise I can’t handle anymore. I used to be able to be able, you know, multitask, right?

 

00;08;53;27 – 00;09;13;16

Dr. Mona

You can sit and and work on something and then you could hear, like your child’s cry or you could hear, the music on. Now, I can’t do that. So now I have to understand. Well, here’s where I’m at now. I’m not going to push away these feelings or, you know, going back to the expectations. Society puts a lot of expectation on us, but we also put a lot of expectation on ourselves.

 

00;09;13;16 – 00;09;34;26

Dr. Mona

I mean, I blame society for a lot. I do meaning a lot of this is, the gender stereotypes that we discuss, the expectations of mothers, women and the lack of support from, you know, especially the U.S government for all the things that society expects us to do, but we don’t have the support for. Besides that, which I do believe is a huge reality and we can never, ever say that it’s not.

 

00;09;35;02 – 00;10;04;16

Dr. Mona

It’s also the expectations we hold for ourselves in terms of I should be this certain way, or maybe I need to be this. And yes, it’s coupled with societal expectations, but it is our responsibility to kind of say, here is my reality with the research that I have with my partner. With the time, you know, maybe your partner works outside the home and you are home with your child, or maybe you work also and saying, I can only do what I can in my circumstances and not compare it to anyone else.

 

00;10;04;19 – 00;10;25;07

Dr. Mona

And that is the problem that we have with societal comparison, right? Like the problem with these expectations on women is that society creates these standards, but these standards are saying that all women are doing the same thing at the same time. So a lot of societal standards are set from the 1950s, when women were home with their children all the time.

 

00;10;25;09 – 00;10;41;27

Dr. Mona

And we also didn’t have all the things we have now to think about, you know, like the political issues that we have now, the gun stuff that’s happening right now, like all the things that we have to think about as moms and also the cost of living. Right. And there’s a lot of things that have changed since the 1950s.

 

00;10;41;27 – 00;11;00;04

Dr. Mona

So to hold women to a standard that, hey, yeah, you should do this and do this and you can be at all. It actually ruins a lot of women’s happiness, because in a human sense, we cannot or should not be doing everything right. We need help. We need support, whether that’s in our careers, whether that’s as a mother.

 

00;11;00;11 – 00;11;13;14

Dr. Mona

And that is where it can start to feel like it crumbles a little bit because you’re like, I have to do, you know, wake up and take care of my daughter. And then I’m doing this, and I’m doing this, and I have to cook, and then I have to prepare this. And it’s like at some point you’re like, no, I want to rest.

 

00;11;13;14 – 00;11;27;15

Dr. Mona

And we want to embrace wrestling for women and moms. I don’t think our society really allows mothers to do that. We’re like a go getter mindset, but we all need rest, and that’s mental rest. And that’s also physical rest, which I don’t think we do enough of.

 

00;11;27;16 – 00;11;30;15

Mom

Right. And then not feel guilty about doing when we do it.

 

00;11;30;15 – 00;11;35;28

Dr. Mona

And but why do we feel guilty, I think I mean, I don’t know about you, but I feel like we feel guilty because of societal expectations. Right.

 

00;11;35;28 – 00;11;36;29

Mom

Exactly. Yeah.

 

00;11;37;01 – 00;12;01;05

Dr. Mona

And it’s a vicious cycle, right. Because society expects you to do something and then you maybe, you know, you were raised a certain way, like, I’m Indian American, and, you know, you have a societal expectation culturally also as well, right, that the woman is going to do this. Like, I’m speaking very honestly. My mom worked full time, as did my father, but my mom was the one who came home every day and did the cooking.

 

00;12;01;08 – 00;12;34;08

Dr. Mona

And in my head, when I was growing up, I thought that to be very abnormal. I was like, why are both of my parents working? But yet my mother is the one that’s the homemaker on top of also bringing home equal pieces, you know, equal hours of work. And to me, I was like, that makes no sense. And also, even if a mother is at home with her child full time, right, like using the term stay at home mom, that doesn’t mean that a father can’t pitch in and do stuff that’s part of the household, because being at home with a child all day is work.

 

00;12;34;11 – 00;12;51;24

Dr. Mona

I think it’s a lot. You know, it’s not just like you’re you’re not putting your feet up and just like having a relaxing day. It’s work. But it’s not bad work. It’s just it’s work. Like I love going to my job, but it’s busy, right? Taking care of a kid at home all day is busy. Your mind is constantly meal time this, that.

 

00;12;52;00 – 00;13;23;10

Dr. Mona

So it’s all of these societal expectations. It’s how we raise it. Even I agree with you completely. The modern day us and also just cultural expectations of women. And like I said, without the support from, you know, the political level or like the federal level to support us in terms of child care and affordable child care. And if a mom wants to breastfeed, lactation support and all of these things that we lack in a very developed country and just it doesn’t meet what societal is expecting us to do, and that’s very hard.

 

00;13;23;11 – 00;13;25;08

Mom

Yeah, yeah.

 

00;13;25;11 – 00;13;46;09

Dr. Mona

And I think, you know, the pushing away of the feelings is one thing that I try not to do, you know? And it means embracing the situation that you’re in. And when I say that, it does not mean that you are saying that this is an okay situation, but it helps in healing in the sense that when you say that this is the reality I’m in right now, here is where I am, and I need to know what is not working in this reality.

 

00;13;46;11 – 00;14;06;01

Dr. Mona

And being okay with saying that to yourself is, I think, one of the biggest steps we need to do first and foremost, because that is when we’re going to see change, right? So if you tell yourself it’s fine, it’s fine, I’ll just keep doing it. I’m fine and you’re not really fine, obviously. Right. So it’s really important to say I am struggling right now because I need help with x, Y and Z.

 

00;14;06;01 – 00;14;25;10

Dr. Mona

And when you start to do that, then you can start to ask for the help if you’re able to get it, whether that’s through a partner, whether that’s hiring someone, whether that’s outsourcing some things. But it all depends on your resources, including financial and the people in your life. And also just, you know, where you are at. And that’s why it’s so unique.

 

00;14;25;13 – 00;14;47;18

Dr. Mona

And then the other thing besides, you know, not pushing away the feelings is the story we tell ourselves. So, you know, we have reality and then we have the story we tell ourselves. So reality is a situation like, I don’t have childcare, okay. That’s the reality. I’m using this as an example. The story we tell ourselves is I don’t have childcare and you know, I’m going to be burnt out.

 

00;14;47;18 – 00;15;07;06

Dr. Mona

And this it’s the extraneous extra things that we add to the actual just that the fact is maybe you don’t have childcare and I’m using that as an example. So can you tell me like a situation that is frustrating you or you’re fighting hard so I can use this or sort of story we tell ourselves? In an example.

 

00;15;07;08 – 00;15;31;25

Mom

Yeah. So I think the childcare example is a good one, because I do go about my day and be like, oh, I don’t have time. Like I don’t have time to work out or I don’t have time to, you know, do some stretches or and, you know, these are all things that would help me feel better because I just feel like my body is still really achy and, you know, just constantly moving all day or just being around my daughter going to playgrounds and stuff.

 

00;15;31;25 – 00;15;55;11

Mom

It just feels like I’m not incorporating more time for taking care of my health. So I think, yeah, childcare would be and my husband works full time. Thankfully he’s working from home. So I do get those quick breaks, just short breaks. And then he’s home like right after because he’s working from home. So he’s home. There’s no commute time that I have to wait for.

 

00;15;55;11 – 00;16;29;29

Mom

But I mean, it’s just been amazing that he’s been able to help and support it in that way. But it’s like, I feel like during the day I just I feel like I don’t have that time to, like, read a book or, you know, just sit for a bit and it’s just whatever the toddler one sitting I’m doing with her or, you know, just trying to entertain her like my life is revolving around her, which, I mean, kind of it makes it sound a little bad, but I like it’s not always like, it doesn’t always sound as depressing, you know, like I do enjoy it.

 

00;16;29;29 – 00;16;51;14

Mom

It’s just that sometimes it can get to just being too much. It’s like, oh, all I do is just, you know, take care of her it house and I’m losing that time to take care of myself. So I think that if I had childcare just a couple of hours a week and again, like, you know, you have to do the whole process of finding that person.

 

00;16;51;14 – 00;17;03;10

Mom

And with Covid and making sure, you know, I feel safe. And so it’s just like, again, like I keep thinking and spiraling into all these different things that I have to think about. But yeah, that would just be one example.

 

00;17;03;13 – 00;17;23;01

Dr. Mona

And that’s a good one. And I’m happy that you said it exactly how you did, because you said that it’s going to sound like it’s a bad thing. And that’s the point of this whole conversation that so many of us feel guilty about saying these things when it’s a reality. Like, I get it, that it’s a reality. The reality of your situation using this example is that you don’t have the time that you want.

 

00;17;23;02 – 00;17;39;26

Dr. Mona

Let’s just say it like, yeah, right. Yeah. In our ideal world, you would love to have more time for yourself. You would love to have more time for working out or not even just working out. Just being on your own. Right? Yeah. And I share that same, same feeling. Yeah. I think any one of us, any mom could say that any mom can say that.

 

00;17;39;26 – 00;17;55;03

Dr. Mona

I wish I had more time to just be at peace. Like no one asking me anything. No, it’s not like you need something, two year olds foot. Not in my face. Like. I mean, we all would want that. So your reality of your situation is that you do not have time. That is the reality. And I agree with you.

 

00;17;55;03 – 00;18;10;02

Dr. Mona

You can’t take away the reality. You do not have a lot of time for yourself. Okay, so but the story you tell yourself is what you added to that part, which I’m happy that you added because I’m using this as an example that we all do this. This is not something that you’re the only one who does it.

 

00;18;10;02 – 00;18;26;26

Dr. Mona

I do it too, that you said that my world is revolving around my daughter and I. In some ways, when you say it like that, it does feel like it’s a negative. And this is a good point and a good teaching point, because I do the same thing. And I have kind of had to train my brain in saying, here’s my reality.

 

00;18;26;26 – 00;18;44;14

Dr. Mona

My reality is I don’t have the time to do everything I would love to do for myself. So, you know, I’ve been there, you know, the weekends that my husband is working three days in a row and he’s not around because he’s working. I’m alone with Ryan, and I do get into that story. I tell myself, I’m so tired.

 

00;18;44;14 – 00;19;02;12

Dr. Mona

I want my own time. Like my life is revolving around this, that I want more out of this weekend. You know, I don’t want to just do this all weekend and just be at the beck and call of a toddler, you know? But that is the story we’re telling ourselves, correct. Because that is the extraneous things that I mentioned earlier that we’re adding to the reality.

 

00;19;02;12 – 00;19;21;15

Dr. Mona

The reality is that at this moment, I don’t have time to do everything for myself, but the extra like, well, it’s because of this. And then I can’t do this when my son does this and all that, that is the fluff that we’re adding that can add to that sort of feeling of, oh, my life is not what I want it to be, or my day isn’t what I want it to be.

 

00;19;21;15 – 00;19;41;19

Dr. Mona

And of course, that’s okay to feel. But in order to reframe our brains and say, you know what? This is my reality. It’s not ideal at this moment. You’re allowing yourself to say to yourself, hey, this is what the situation is. I don’t have time right now, and that is okay. I do have to take care of my child and that is the reality.

 

00;19;41;26 – 00;20;00;02

Dr. Mona

But all that extra stuff of, you know, what will this and I don’t have this and why not this? That is the extra fluff that doesn’t help us in just accepting the reality that we’re faced with. And also, like I said earlier, when you start to accept the reality, then you can start to find more peace in ways to kind of get to the phase of what you want it.

 

00;20;00;02 – 00;20;16;09

Dr. Mona

Right. Like getting the child care. What is it that you want? Do you want two hours to be able to work out? Do you want 30 minutes to just sit in your room by yourself? And when you can start to feel those feelings of, here’s where I’m at, I’m not going to tell myself that this is some sort of awful reality.

 

00;20;16;09 – 00;20;32;27

Dr. Mona

Did it? Yes. It can be. I get what you’re saying, but I’m going to start to tell myself that you know what? This is my reality. This is what I have to do with it. I am home alone with my child for the next three days, or I’m home alone with my child for two days. My husband’s working or on meetings or whatever it is that I’m going to have to do it.

 

00;20;33;02 – 00;20;51;03

Dr. Mona

And going back to your first thing, it sometimes doesn’t feel very fair, quote unquote. Because, you know, I see a working father like my father. My husband works, and he and I also work. Right. And then he comes home and he gets this nice time to relax. And I’m like, dude, I want to relax. Like, I just want to sit and relax.

 

00;20;51;08 – 00;21;09;16

Dr. Mona

But then the thing is, what we have to do is we have to really understand what is it that we want and effectively communicate that with our partner. Right. Let’s say, look, here is my reality here. And in a way that’s not we can do this in a way that’s not complaining. Right. I think there’s a difference of like, hey, you don’t understand.

 

00;21;09;16 – 00;21;31;06

Dr. Mona

Like it’s you know, don’t you don’t get it. It’s like, hey, I’m really tired today. You know, there’s some things that I really love about today. Like, I got to spend time with my daughter. Did it. But I’m really struggling with this and using your example. I would just love to find someone to just come for an hour every day or two hours every day, and then working with your partner on making that a possibility for you.

 

00;21;31;06 – 00;21;47;09

Dr. Mona

Maybe that might not be tomorrow, maybe that might not be every day. But that is a great example because that is what I need to, by the way, personally. Like if I don’t get just two hours to myself to either work out or just be on my own in that three day stretch, I’m going to be a zombie.

 

00;21;47;14 – 00;22;08;09

Dr. Mona

And I’m actually going to. Like we said earlier, that is when your cup gets way too full because you’re not allowing yourself to understand, here’s my needs, right? And I want to make it happen. Now, the reality is going to happen sometimes that you’re not going to have what you want. Correct? Like you want the three. You have a three day stretch where your husband is working a lot and you want the help, but you can’t find the help.

 

00;22;08;09 – 00;22;27;01

Dr. Mona

And I’ve been in your shoes in those situations. How to get through it is really remembering that I know what I want. I know that it’s possible sometimes. Maybe you have someone coming to help with your daughter some days, but she’s that person is not available the weekend that you wanted. Suzanne’s example. Then you tell yourself and reframe and say, you know what?

 

00;22;27;04 – 00;22;41;23

Dr. Mona

This weekend it’s me and my daughter. This weekend it’s me and Ryan. I use this example and that’s what it’s going to be. But I know that I’ll get help when I get it. And when I do get the help, I’m going to be very grateful for it, you know? So it’s kind of leading this life up. Here’s my reality.

 

00;22;41;25 – 00;22;58;15

Dr. Mona

I may not always get what I want and that is okay, but then I’m also going to embrace it and really enjoy the heck out of my two hours when I do get it. And that is going to be something that is going to be very joyful to me and bring me happiness and really utilize that time for what you want to do.

 

00;22;58;15 – 00;23;24;04

Dr. Mona

And I keep saying that because not what your husband tells you you should do, not what you think society expects you to do. Because maybe those two hours you want to sit in a room and just not have anyone ask you anything. No judgment. That is what you get to do with your time, right? It’s there’s so much expectation on what we should be doing with our mothering and with our time when we do have free time, and then also just being a mother in general.

 

00;23;24;04 – 00;23;46;09

Dr. Mona

Right. And it’s draining because I want moms to feel like when you do get that alone time, don’t feel like you have to do what society’s telling you you need to do. Maybe that means you go into a room and eat ice cream like I don’t care what it is, but you got to think about what’s going to bring you that peace in that moment, whether that is exercising, eating ice cream, screaming into a pillow.

 

00;23;46;09 – 00;23;58;10

Dr. Mona

I don’t care what it is, but it’s really important to recognize what it is you need so that we can then get to the step of finding the resources to get you that help, so that you feel more supported and less spread thin.

 

00;23;58;12 – 00;24;28;22

Mom

Yeah, exactly. And I mean, thank you so much for like, saying all that, because it does come down to that. And like I think that’s something that either like OBS or at some point midwives something like, well, I don’t know who but somebody when a mom becomes a mom, I think like it should be common knowledge. You know, we should emphasize how much we need to take care of our own needs first.

 

00;24;28;29 – 00;24;50;24

Dr. Mona

Yeah. I mean, and you are what, you know, we call the default parent. There’s a lot of women, you know, we talked about you mentioned earlier, but a lot of women tend to be the default parent in society. And there is a huge drain in being the default parent. There’s a huge drain. And always being that go to because like I said, it’s okay being the default parent.

 

00;24;50;24 – 00;25;07;23

Dr. Mona

If you have the time for yourself, if you have all of that, you know, then you’re not going to feel as bad about being the default parent. You’re like, oh, like, you just want me. But we we’re going to label that when it feels uneasy, when it feels drained, because it’s a you don’t have that time for yourself like you mentioned.

 

00;25;07;25 – 00;25;13;10

Dr. Mona

And you mentioned that you are you’re not working at this moment, meaning outside the home or with a job outside the home.

 

00;25;13;12 – 00;25;14;05

Mom

Right now.

 

00;25;14;08 – 00;25;31;01

Dr. Mona

You are the terminology which again, I don’t love all the terminologies because it’s like we’re all working. Okay. But yes, you are quote unquote. I understand a stay at home mom, which of course is work in itself. And so yes, you’re the default parent. I know a lot of working parents who are the default parent, right? Like I am a working parent and I’m the default parent.

 

00;25;31;01 – 00;25;56;04

Dr. Mona

And there is some resentment that can happen with the male or the other partner who’s not the default parents. You know, so that’s it’s a reality. And I think a lot of these things can help, again, in starting the process of communication, because I do consider ourselves very fortunate to have a partner. Yeah, I know very, very I’m not trying to belittle our situations and saying that what we’re going through isn’t important because it is.

 

00;25;56;11 – 00;26;19;28

Dr. Mona

But I also am very grateful that, yes, I am grateful to have that second income and that person who, yes, is there. But there is obviously that reality, like I mentioned, that it is hard when they are working and that you are doing everything and all the hormonal changes and mental load and the default parenting. And I think it does come down to societal expectations and our expectations as well.

 

00;26;19;28 – 00;26;48;27

Dr. Mona

And we can’t control what society is going to say. We can’t change societal expectations overnight. Right? We’re having so much difficulty already changing rules in this country. Right. But what we can change is the expectations we have for ourselves. And that is going to take a lot of work. But that is also the work that we need to do to combat societal expectation, but also to bring us more peace in our relationships with our partner, in the relationship with our child and the relationship with our self.

 

00;26;48;29 – 00;27;10;04

Dr. Mona

Because when you start to say, society’s telling me that I should be doing X, Y, and Z, and I’m gonna use the example of cooking society as well as my mom tells me that I should be cooking every day, right? Because that’s what my mom did. But to be completely transparent, I’m not a great cook. And even if I could follow a recipe, I don’t find joy in cooking.

 

00;27;10;09 – 00;27;29;14

Dr. Mona

It’s not fun for me. I don’t like it. It’s some people just really like it. I don’t like it. And so for me, it took a lot of saying to myself, society’s telling me that the woman should be the one who cooks. Actually, no. In our situation, I don’t like cooking a lot, so I will kind of cook meals or I talk to my husband.

 

00;27;29;14 – 00;27;52;13

Dr. Mona

I’m like, look, I don’t really love cooking. You can cook, we can get a meal delivery kit. You know, we’ll use our resources to figure out a way that we can make it so that I don’t have to do something that I really don’t love doing, that society tells me that I should love to do. And this is just one example, because when you can start to say to yourself, well, you know what, society, I don’t agree with all of your expectations and all of that.

 

00;27;52;18 – 00;28;10;24

Dr. Mona

And that is okay, because I do other things well, right. And that is what that identity shift that you’re mentioning. Also, it’s really finding that balance and saying, I may not be amazing at what society expects a woman to do, aka cook, but I’m very good at doing other things. And let’s just also redefine all the gender stereotypes.

 

00;28;10;24 – 00;28;29;17

Dr. Mona

You know, it’s okay if a male cooks. It’s okay if a male does the laundry. It’s okay if a woman assembles furniture. Like, I’m just using all these gender stereotypes that myself and my partner have switched around many times, right? Like I’m the one who’s unpacking and breaking down boxes during our move and putting together furniture while he’s setting up the kitchen.

 

00;28;29;22 – 00;28;50;18

Dr. Mona

Right. It’s breaking all of that societal expectation and finding what works best for you and your partner and nobody else. Yes. Yeah, and that’s hard, you know, because of all the expectations that we hold for ourselves. Well, this was amazing. Is there anything else you wanted to add or any other points that you wanted to add to the conversation?

 

00;28;50;21 – 00;29;17;01

Mom

No, I’m just, processing it all and hoping to get started on working on these expectations and looking forward to a conversation with my husband. And, you know, like talking more with him just about like, all of this. And I think having schedule conversations really helps because we just get so busy with day to day life that we don’t always get that time to touch base.

 

00;29;17;01 – 00;29;26;09

Mom

So I think if we like schedule at least once a week or, you know, a couple times a week, I think it’ll be really, really helpful. Thank you so much.

 

00;29;26;12 – 00;29;43;13

Dr. Mona

Of course. And you know that to me, I think is my biggest take home is, you know, what I share here and on these Monday mornings episodes is also if that is real life, you know, I am so glad that I could have fellow moms and dads are welcome to, but most men have not asked to be on the podcast yet.

 

00;29;43;23 – 00;30;06;05

Dr. Mona

But it’s just it’s all real stuff that I think all of us go through, but not all of us talk about. Yeah. And so I really appreciate you for coming on and speaking about these issues that are just so heavy and so important. And regardless of if a woman is a first time on, second time on whatever or whether she works in the home, outside of the home, stay at home on whatever terminology you want to use.

 

00;30;06;05 – 00;30;34;01

Dr. Mona

We’re all going through very similar experiences and maybe different, you know, different situations, but it is so important to remember that and you’ve brought up that final point. That biggest thing is the conversations we have with our partner and the conversation we have with ourselves, the story you tell ourself, but also the acceptance and understanding of a situation, and also taking that moment, taking a deep breath and communicating it as effectively as possible with the partner.

 

00;30;34;01 – 00;30;54;05

Dr. Mona

Right? Right. I have been there to my gosh, like I’ve been there where my frustration and my anger or my burnt out, you know, I’m so burnt out and it comes out in the conversations I’ll have with my partner, my husband, because I’ll say, you know, well, you don’t do this and this is how it’s going. And that also doesn’t add to productivity in a conversation and finding a solution.

 

00;30;54;05 – 00;31;13;29

Dr. Mona

Right. The will you don’t do this. And I do this and you don’t. The lack of a team. Right. Like it’s really about saying, hey, I’m feeling this way versus you are doing this or not doing this, right? Right. Because you can’t truly speak about what the other person is feeling or thinking. And then also when you say you don’t do this already, that person’s just going to shut down.

 

00;31;14;01 – 00;31;31;26

Dr. Mona

So it’s really about always talking about your feelings here. So the I am feeling x, y and z. I am feeling this and that person, that partner may say, you know, oh yeah, I hear what you’re saying. Let’s see what we can do. If they dismiss it. It’s so important to remember that we keep the conversation going, right?

 

00;31;31;26 – 00;31;51;26

Dr. Mona

Like, hey, I’m feeling like you’re not really understanding what I’m saying. And that’s okay if we can talk about this again. But it really comes from saying, I am feeling this way in those conversations. And that is really hard. When you had a long day, you know, I’ve been there where you feel like, gosh, can you just take the load off of me right now?

 

00;31;52;07 – 00;32;06;29

Dr. Mona

And that is something that I’m also working on, which is why I love sharing these tips, because it’s stuff that I work on and I see benefits from doing these things. And that’s why I love to share it. Right? Because I’m like, yeah, I do need to be better at not saying you should be doing this, or why don’t you do this?

 

00;32;06;29 – 00;32;21;15

Dr. Mona

And saying, I am just feeling this way about the situation. So I think that’s going to be really helpful for you finding more peace. And also just obviously the relationship with communicating with your partner. And again, not pushing away any of these feelings that are very normal.

 

00;32;21;17 – 00;32;24;18

Mom

Yes, I’m excited to try out this.

 

00;32;24;20 – 00;32;32;01

Dr. Mona

Yes. And I love that you’re I can hear your daughter in the background. This is real life podcasting I love it. Thank you so much for joining me today.

 

00;32;32;01 – 00;32;34;20

Mom

Yeah, thank you so much for having me on.

 

00;32;34;22 – 00;32;58;20

Dr. Mona

I really love having parents on the podcast to discuss very normal situations that we often don’t talk about. And I want to wrap up this episode with some take home points. You know, the mom I talked to is struggling with the resentment from societal expectations that have been placed on women and mothers, and I think many of us can agree that they are a reality.

 

00;32;58;27 – 00;33;16;11

Dr. Mona

So changing the stereotypes and the narrative we have around mothering in society is going to be very important. But the take home points I’m talking about is how do we navigate this resentment and this sort of feeling like I’m doing it all, and society’s expecting me to do so much, and I frankly don’t want to or can’t do it all.

 

00;33;16;11 – 00;33;18;00

Mom

Because we can’t.

 

00;33;18;02 – 00;33;34;29

Dr. Mona

So number one is really important not to push away the feelings that you’re feeling and know where you are in the current moment. So when you start to push away and saying, well, I don’t need to do this and I shouldn’t be feeling this way and I just need to suck it up, okay. In some respect. And yes, we have to accept the reality that we’re in.

 

00;33;34;29 – 00;33;52;17

Dr. Mona

I do agree with that. But when you start to push it away, it’s going to persist, right? What you resist persists. So if you keep resisting it and saying, well, no, no, no, I shouldn’t feel this way and I’m supposed to do this, it’s going against what you’re actually feeling. So we need to accept our feelings and say, I don’t like that this is happening.

 

00;33;52;17 – 00;34;14;08

Dr. Mona

Or maybe I like that this is happening. And when you start to do that, then you’re going to be able to communicate your needs with your partner if you have one loved ones, if they are able to help, if you are a single parent. But this is so important to remember not to push away and brush those feelings under the rug, because let me tell you, they can come up and bubble up at the time that we don’t expect it.

 

00;34;14;13 – 00;34;32;06

Dr. Mona

They can come in front of our children, they can come in the form of us yelling at our partner. It’s so important to remember that we have to speak what’s on our mind in a coherent way, in a non-emotional way, so we can get our point across and get what we want out of our mothering and out of our relationships with others.

 

00;34;32;09 – 00;34;52;19

Dr. Mona

Number two is reframing, but also that story that we tell ourselves, like really watching when we’re adding extra narrative to a reality. So of course, I mentioned that we have reality in a situation, and then we have that extra content that we add that is coming more from an emotional place. Is it better to add that narrative? No, because again, you’re feeling your feelings and that’s what it is.

 

00;34;52;22 – 00;35;13;01

Dr. Mona

But you want to watch that. You’re not adding all this extra fluff to a reality of a situation. An example that I didn’t discuss with the mom on the episode is if your partner is not helping around the house and you tell your partner out of your resentment towards societal expectations, you never do this and you never do this.

 

00;35;13;03 – 00;35;30;28

Dr. Mona

You want to really step back, okay, what is the reality in the situation? Is the reality that they never do it, or maybe that they don’t do it as much as you would like, because there is a situation there that is very different in one. You are saying never is a very absolute word, right? Always and never. You kind of want to stay away from those things.

 

00;35;31;00 – 00;35;45;24

Dr. Mona

But if you say never, is it really never it? Because if it’s really never, you really want to have a conversation in a nice way of like, how can we make it where it’s more balanced in some way based on the resources and time that we have? But when you start using things like never again, that is a narrative.

 

00;35;45;24 – 00;36;04;16

Dr. Mona

You’re telling yourself that you never do this, you never do this. You want to make sure that you are looking at the reality in a situation when we have resentment, whether it’s towards a partner, whether it’s towards societal expectations, we can tend to say, always, never use those words. But I really want to watch the story that we tell ourselves.

 

00;36;04;16 – 00;36;25;12

Dr. Mona

It’s very important to separate what is actually happening and what is the emotional narrative that we’re adding to it. This is so important because if we’re leading a life of an emotional narrative, we are separating reality from emotion, and we are not going to be able to make bigger bounds and leaps in terms of causing the changes that we want.

 

00;36;25;12 – 00;36;43;02

Dr. Mona

Like I said, with principle number one, because we are constantly in this mindset of this is happening and why me and this and that. So you really want to watch the story that you tell yourself. And the last and final one, which is very important for me, is managing expectations. I mentioned this with the mom on the episode.

 

00;36;43;05 – 00;37;04;04

Dr. Mona

Managing Expectations comes down to how you manage the expectations for yourself. You can’t control what society’s going to say, what your mom is going to say. Your mother in law, you really can’t. I wish we could. It’s important to set healthy boundaries, but you can control the expectations you hold for yourself and your partner and really manage those and how you view yourself.

 

00;37;04;06 – 00;37;22;14

Dr. Mona

Managing expectations is one of the biggest things that has brought me so much joy as a mom. And as I get more and more into my motherhood journey, I find that managing expectations becomes more and more important. There’s so many things that are out of our control. When you start to manage the expectations of what do I expect of myself as a mom?

 

00;37;22;16 – 00;37;45;27

Dr. Mona

What do I expect of myself as a wife? What do I expect of myself in all the different roles? What do I expect of myself just as me? What are my dreams? What are my goals? It goes back into that identity. And what is it that you want and manage the expectations that way when you have these high, lofty expectations of yourself that have been created from society and you don’t meet them, you are going to beat yourself up.

 

00;37;45;29 – 00;38;08;20

Dr. Mona

You want to really look at the resources you have. I mentioned that with the mom on my episode that you can’t just say, well, so-and-so does this, so I’m going to do the same thing. Everybody has different resources. So look at the resources that you have in your situation. Manage your expectations from there so you can find more peace and more joy and block out all of that extraneous noise that society can sometimes bring to us in motherhood.

 

00;38;08;23 – 00;38;26;20

Dr. Mona

Thank you for tuning in for this episode. I am so grateful for this community. If you love this episode and any other Monday mornings with Doctor Mona episodes, please make sure to leave a review and reading it means so much to me. And like I said, it really helps this podcast grow and I will talk to another parent next week.