On this episode, I welcome a mom from The PedsDocTalk community to chat about her 32 month old son and hitting and throwing behaviors. We discuss not only what to do in these situations, but also ways to build emotional resilience and emotional regulation during calm moments. We discuss:

• Why avoiding a big rise is important, but why it’s so hard
• What not to do when trying to discipline hitting and throwing behaviors
• How to use positive reinforcement and fill our child’s cup

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00;00;00;00 – 00;00;20;06

Dr. Mona

A lot of these behaviors are ways that they can kind of get attention from their caregiver, whether it’s negative or positive. Obviously, we don’t love the hitting and the throwing, but to them, it’s attention. It’s, hey, I want to make y’all know that I don’t like this decision and I’m going to make it known to you. So kind of understanding that that’s where they’re coming from.

 

00;00;20;08 – 00;00;46;06

Dr. Mona

Welcome back to the show. You are listening to Monday Mornings with Doctor Mona, where I welcome parents from the pedes doctor community to ask their questions. We troubleshoot their concerns, and I always provide some take home messages at the end. Thank you for joining. This podcast continues to grow because of you and your reviews. So thank you for tuning in, for being here and for all the love you show on this podcast.

 

00;00;46;09 – 00;01;14;07

Dr. Mona

On this episode, I welcome a parent to talk about hitting and throwing behaviors. Now, I have talked about this before in other episodes, but I love having parents come on because every conversation is slightly different from the last, because no two kids are exactly the same. So you’re going to hear me talk with this mother about her son, who’s 32 months old, and how he throws and hits when he’s upset or during a tantrum?

 

00;01;14;08 – 00;01;37;20

Dr. Mona

You’re going to hear me talk about why avoiding a big rise is so important, but why it’s so hard. What not to do when trying to discipline hitting and throwing behaviors, and how to use positive reinforcement and fill our child cups in emotional resiliency and emotional regulation, which is so important when we talk about discipline. So stay tuned for the conversation.

 

00;01;37;22 – 00;01;40;03

Mom

Oh.

 

00;01;40;06 – 00;01;46;28

Dr. Mona

Hello. Thank you so much for joining me on today’s episode. So tell me, what is on your mind today as a mom?

 

00;01;47;00 – 00;02;15;10

Mom

Hi, doctor. Mona, thanks so much for having me on. So I have a toddler who is 32 months old, and, you know, he’s very lively and funny and sweet, but when he throws tantrums, his go to is almost like immediately throwing something, whatever he’s holding or hitting. But he only hits, either me or my husband.

 

00;02;15;11 – 00;02;26;27

Mom

So, like daycare, he doesn’t hit any kids or his bakery teacher or his little baby sister. It’s just always me or my husband. Okay. So, yeah, just like to chat about that.

 

00;02;26;29 – 00;02;29;07

Dr. Mona

And, he’s 32 months old, right?

 

00;02;29;15 – 00;02;29;27

Mom

Yes.

 

00;02;29;27 – 00;02;40;09

Dr. Mona

Correct. So when do you think you started noticing the throwing and hitting? And I have, I guess, two parts to this. Did you see it at a certain age, it went away. It came back. Or did you notice it recently?

 

00;02;40;11 – 00;03;03;09

Mom

So with the throwing, that of course, came when he got the skill of actually throwing something. Yes. Okay. But I don’t think it happened consistently, maybe until right around two years old. And, you know, it was around the same time as when his baby sister was born. So I know a lot of these things kind of happened around the same time.

 

00;03;03;19 – 00;03;26;04

Mom

And the hitting, I will say it used to. So he started jumping when he was about one over one one and a half, but he didn’t start hitting us until later, like maybe two. It used to be when he didn’t have word, he would kind of like either bang his head, but now that he’s very verbal now, he gets angry.

 

00;03;26;15 – 00;03;34;29

Mom

But instead of, like, hitting his head, he now hits us. So I would say the hitting start at around two years old as well.

 

00;03;35;01 – 00;03;43;11

Dr. Mona

And do you find that when you started being more able to communicate verbally, do you feel like it’s gotten better, or do you think it’s just the same, the throwing in the hitting?

 

00;03;43;14 – 00;04;21;19

Mom

You know, actually, in the past couple of weeks, I would say it’s getting a little bit better. I think that as his language developed even more and getting more advanced, we’re finally able to kind of explain that. But then even so, his immediate response when he’s angry, which I totally understand, is still, you know, even though he has the words to sick, you know, sometimes to say what he wants or what he’s angry about, his immediate reaction is to either like, throw it, you know, so his toy that he’s holding or come over and just like kind of hit me real hard.

 

00;04;21;19 – 00;04;32;26

Mom

One time, you know? Yeah. Even though he has the word, he still does that. And it’s hard to kind of redirect because it’s so immediate. I guess that’s the issue that I’m running into.

 

00;04;32;28 – 00;04;48;23

Dr. Mona

Let’s talk about the throwing. So if he’s so upset, will he throw what’s ever in his hand, or will he be so upset that he’ll find something to actually throw like me and just say he doesn’t get what he wants or he doesn’t like what’s happening? Will he find an object that’s sitting near him to throw it out of, you know, protest, if you will?

 

00;04;48;26 – 00;05;13;14

Mom

No. So actually, he’s obsessed with Carson. He’s almost always holding one of his cards. And that is the most commonly thrown item. It’s his toy car. Yes. He doesn’t actively seek out. Well, actually, sometimes he does. If he doesn’t have anything, his hand, and he gets angry at something, and there’s something like his toddler power, he’ll try to, like, push it over.

 

00;05;13;19 – 00;05;39;18

Mom

Yes. It’s very like he’s trying to do something physical. But yeah, it’s hard because we try to redirect him and teach him. Okay, maybe, you know, stomp on the floor or something, but he really just wants to push whatever he wants to push or throw whatever he wants to throw. Yeah, that’s the other issue is it’s hard to get him to do something, replace the behavior of throwing his toy car with something else.

 

00;05;39;20 – 00;05;55;01

Dr. Mona

Yeah. And it’s going to be. And we’ll talk about this. It’s going to be really hard to teach them up, specially in the moment of that. Right. Like if they’re in the moment of throwing and hitting, that’s not going to be the time that we’re going to redirect, right? Because they’re so disregulated from the tantrum or whatever they’re upset with.

 

00;05;55;01 – 00;06;11;16

Dr. Mona

They’re angry, if you will. They’re showing their physical manifestation of their emotions that it’s not going to be the time to redirect meaning at that moment to say, okay, let’s stomp our feet. So we want to try to teach those things when the child’s calm, we’re going to talk about that. And I’m also going to ask you in a bit what y’all are doing right now in those moments.

 

00;06;11;16 – 00;06;38;19

Dr. Mona

But let’s kind of normalize what’s happening here. So your child’s 32 months old started doing this. You know, obviously had a little bit in the early toddler years, but around two years you brought up a few things. Now throwing and hitting are very, like you said, normal toddler behavior. Some children do it more than others. And I think a lot of parents get confused because all of a sudden they see their child start to throw and hit and they’re like, they must have learned it from somebody else.

 

00;06;38;25 – 00;07;02;11

Dr. Mona

A lot of it is primitive, innate. It’s not that they’re learning it from someone all the time, right? Sure, if they see a classmate throwing and hitting, could they possibly, you know, like a daycare or childcare, learn that too. But a lot of it is just a very common when I say primitive, like just an innate thing that they want to express themselves, and if they can’t speak what they want, they’re going to be more likely to throw hit.

 

00;07;02;11 – 00;07;22;02

Dr. Mona

And some kids it’s just more than others. Like some kids will throw themselves on the ground when they have a tantrum. Some kids will throw. Some kids will just kind of freeze and be a little confused. We all have different ways, just innately that we can show our physical manifestation of emotions. Right? And that’s what throwing and hitting is, right?

 

00;07;22;04 – 00;07;43;09

Dr. Mona

Throwing and hitting is a very common thing. Like you said, when he started to learn how to throw right, he started to throw more, right? Because he now knows that my arm can do this. Pretty cool. And hitting two, he starts to realize that, oh, if I bang on my mom’s chest, right, like hitting or, you know, kind of punching like how they do if I start to just slap my mom, am I going to get a reaction from this?

 

00;07;43;09 – 00;08;02;09

Dr. Mona

Am I going to get a response? And any response a child gets is a response to them, right? So whether it’s us saying no, very exaggerated or getting upset, even though that’s a negative reaction to them, they don’t know how to differentiate in the toddler brain that this is a not good thing versus this is a favorable thing that I’m doing.

 

00;08;02;09 – 00;08;19;27

Dr. Mona

Right. So we’ll talk about some strategies that we want to make sure we kind of do to make him understand that, you know, hitting and throwing to some degree are very normal, right? When you are playing with a ball, you’re going to throw a ball. Maybe you’re hitting like a toy, right? Like a hammer on, like a toy that, you know, you’re supposed to hit, but you don’t want to hit your parent.

 

00;08;19;27 – 00;08;33;05

Dr. Mona

You don’t want to hit other kids. I know that’s not happening. And of course, we don’t want to throw when we’re upset. The other comment you mentioned that he hits you guys like you and your partner, but not really hitting the sibling or anybody in child care, right?

 

00;08;33;07 – 00;08;33;27

Mom

Right. Correct.

 

00;08;33;28 – 00;08;58;27

Dr. Mona

Okay. That’s really great. And I love that. That’s great to hear because sometimes it’s not like that. And it’s not unusual because they tend to be their most primitive innate self with the people they are most comfortable with and want the most attention and love from. So kids tend to do the most things with their parent, okay? Like they tend to be the most likely to have meltdowns and do all that with the person that they feel most vulnerable with.

 

00;08;59;01 – 00;09;17;22

Dr. Mona

And so in a way, I’m not saying it’s a compliment, but it can. It can be you just really loves you and really trusts you and wants to kind of see your reaction, wants to see you know, create that connection with you and also kind of seek your attention in a way. Right? A lot of these behaviors are ways that they can kind of get attention from their caregiver, whether it’s negative or positive.

 

00;09;17;22 – 00;09;33;05

Dr. Mona

Obviously, we don’t love the hitting and the throwing, but to them it’s attention. It’s, hey, I want to make you all know that I don’t like this decision and I’m going to make it known to you. So kind of understanding that that’s where they’re coming from. And like you also said, it’s gotten a little better over the last couple weeks.

 

00;09;33;06 – 00;09;50;01

Dr. Mona

This could be because of just his age, because of maybe some things that you all are doing. We’ll talk about that. And it also could be because of his language. Right. Obviously, as they get older, he’s 32 months and he’ll continue to get older and older. He’s going to have more ways to communicate his feelings versus getting physical.

 

00;09;50;01 – 00;10;11;21

Dr. Mona

Right now, I know some older kids that still have the hitting and the throwing, and that’s what we’ll talk about so that we can in a way, I like to use the phrase nip this in the bud where we’re not making this like, oh, this is totally normal. Don’t worry about it. Don’t do anything about it. No, it is normal for a kid to have the desire to throw and hit certain things, but we want to make sure they understand there’s a time and a place and what that means.

 

00;10;11;21 – 00;10;28;17

Dr. Mona

So I like to kind of normalize that for anyone listening, learning about throwing and hitting. And then my question that I had earlier was now using the example and we could use throwing or hitting. If you’re doing the same thing, that’s great. What exactly are you or your partner? Maybe it’s different. What are y’all doing in those moments?

 

00;10;28;17 – 00;10;39;18

Dr. Mona

And I would also like to know an example like the last time he did this, what was he upset about or what was it about. And then what did y’all do in that situation after that situation?

 

00;10;39;20 – 00;10;59;21

Mom

Okay, so yes, and I totally agree with everything you say. And I know that it’s normal and that, you know, he does it to us because he feels the most comfortable with us, which gives me kind of like that comforts like okay, at least, you know, he feels safe with us. Which is kind of like the silver lining that I feel of this whole phase, hopefully, that he’s going through.

 

00;10;59;21 – 00;11;18;04

Mom

But yeah. So an example. I guess the harder thing for us to deal with is the hitting, because it’s hard for me, especially me, to not give like a sudden reaction because, you know, sometimes all of a sudden I feel just like, hit me. If he’s angry and I don’t know that he’s angry and he’ll come over and hit me.

 

00;11;18;04 – 00;11;42;06

Mom

And of course, it’s hard for me at that moment to be very neutral and calm. And I always, usually just, you know, kind of react like ouch or like a big reaction and that kind of escalates things. Yes. So the other thing I also realize is that he’s at the stage now where a lot of his triggers for tantrums is like, he really wants to do everything.

 

00;11;42;08 – 00;12;00;04

Mom

Like he really has, like favorite phrases right now. I was like, I want to do it. Yeah, I want to help too. I want to do it myself. And if we don’t allow that, or if we accidentally, like, do something that he wants to do, that’s when the hitting or throwing starts. So for example, it’s something really, really silly.

 

00;12;00;04 – 00;12;23;05

Mom

But he currently like loves the microwave. So like if we accidentally like heat something up without like offering him the option of like, hey, do you want to come over and help me? Like if he hears the microwave, like help, maybe, let’s say a month ago, he’ll just, like, crumble to the floor and, like, start screaming or like, run over and, like, start hitting us because he’s mad.

 

00;12;23;18 – 00;12;44;11

Mom

So that’s kind of the thing. Like, his main triggers now is like, he wants to do everything himself. And then if we don’t, he gets mad. And so the hitting part, I would say how we’ve been reacting is I guess it’s kind of our not fault because we don’t really know what to do at this moment. We’ve tried lots of different things.

 

00;12;44;11 – 00;13;07;18

Mom

So first you know, I tried the whole thing where the gentle parenting thing where it’s like, we don’t hit, okay, it’s not nice. It’s hurting mommy. Let’s stop. But, you know, he it’s this continue to like, look at me straight in the eye and just continue hitting. And you know, if he’s very mad and I say, okay, I’m going to go away, then that’s when he crumbles.

 

00;13;07;18 – 00;13;34;27

Mom

Then it kind of like escalates into a meltdown. So we’ve tried that and then we’ve also tried kind of like ignoring the behavior. And that’s kind of like sometimes it works better because he’s like, oh, I’m not getting a reaction. So then I’m going to stop. And then the third one, which, you know, my husband has done, which I’m not a fan of, but I know in the moment when everything is like really tense and he’s screaming and stuff, my husband’s like, go to your room right now.

 

00;13;34;29 – 00;13;57;11

Mom

Yeah, it’s like that. We’ve tried that as well. And of course, that makes him really mad. And he’s like screaming this room. So we’ve tried a lot of different things and I think probably not being consistent with our reaction is contributing to like, us and him not knowing what the appropriate thing to do is, you know.

 

00;13;57;11 – 00;14;15;10

Dr. Mona

So you’re hitting the nail on the head right now. And I also find that when moms or parents come on this Monday morning series, just from them talking about it in that first portion that y’all just did, you realize you’re like, I’m actually saying it out loud, and I’m realizing there’s some things that maybe we write differently.

 

00;14;15;10 – 00;14;33;29

Dr. Mona

And I’m being honest, this is not just you. This is actually what I love about this is that you’re right. You’re already realizing that there are certain things. And we’re going to talk about this. So the number one thing I want to go over first is all of this, like we said, is very normal. I like to reiterate that not because when I say normal, it doesn’t mean we’re not going to do anything about it.

 

00;14;33;29 – 00;14;49;24

Dr. Mona

It just means that you’re not alone. This is something that I commonly deal with, which is why I wanted you to come on the episode to talk about this and that. A lot of families obviously deal with this, and a lot of families also deal with trying to figure out what is the best way to navigate. And y’all went through a few different things, right?

 

00;14;49;24 – 00;15;04;06

Dr. Mona

You went through the okay noticing the reaction, but also okay verbalizing. And I love verbalizing. But we’ll talk about that in a bit. And also, you all did try to do the almost like a time out situation. Go to your room and and we’re going to talk about that. None of it is bad. None of it is. Oh this is a mistake.

 

00;15;04;06 – 00;15;24;23

Dr. Mona

It’s now trying to realize okay, let’s look at a big picture and let’s get consistency. Because like you said, consistency is like the number one actually probably taught by parenting principle of mine. And when we’re trying to change behavior, whether it’s picky eating, whether it’s, you know, trying to get a child to sleep independently, I’m just using examples.

 

00;15;24;23 – 00;15;49;23

Dr. Mona

Right. Or this we’re trying to move away from throwing and hitting behaviors. The consistency matters. And consistency is so many things in this. Right. So the first thing we want to be consistent about is our approach. So we’re going to choose an approach that makes sense for what y’all are describing and not switching. So for example if dad does descend to your room and you do more of a sit with me, let’s talk about this.

 

00;15;49;23 – 00;16;17;29

Dr. Mona

I’m going to be here while you go through your emotion. That is not consistent, right? We want to try to be consistent across all primary caregivers. So if grandma’s coming into the house and is commonly taking care of your son, everyone who is heavily involved in discipline, which means usually mom, maybe the partner, and maybe like, if there’s a nanny or grandma or whatever, we want to make sure that everyone is doing the similar thing because then he will start to learn, okay, there’s not really a united front here.

 

00;16;18;00 – 00;16;22;16

Dr. Mona

Let me just I’m going to do this this time. This person will do this. And he gets confused like you mentioned.

 

00;16;22;16 – 00;16;23;07

Mom

Right.

 

00;16;23;09 – 00;16;25;13

Dr. Mona

Yeah. And so yeah we want that consistency.

 

00;16;25;16 – 00;16;49;20

Mom

Yeah. And you know it’s funny like with the hitting I think one of the reasons why it’s hard for us to be consistent is because I feel like a lot of it has to do with like my and my husband’s reaction to the hitting and being hit. Like if someone just randomly came up to you and hit you, it’s hard to just kind of like, cool and like respond in a certain way all the time.

 

00;16;49;22 – 00;17;13;06

Mom

And I just wanted to, like tied into, like with throwing. We’ve seen actually a lot of improvement in the last like couple of weeks that I’m saying because we work consistent with our response. Yes. And I want to mention like what we’ve been doing. So he’s very, very obsessive vehicles and he plays with his toy cars and trucks all the time.

 

00;17;13;08 – 00;17;38;13

Mom

But you know, when his latest thing is like when his little sister, who’s up his baby sister, she’s just starting to get mobile and of course getting into his toys. And so his thing will be like, no, that’s mine. And he’ll get mad and he’ll immediately just like, throw his vehicle. So what we’ve been doing is that in the past, we said it many, many times and we’ve given him like multiple chances.

 

00;17;38;13 – 00;17;59;28

Mom

And so finally, my husband and I kind of disagreed, like, hey, I think it’s to the point he understands he’s not supposed to throw. So as soon as he throws, we’re going to say, I’m sorry, this has to go bye bye yesterday. And it’s amazing. Like today. Even he got kind of annoyed this morning and he held up his car like as if he was going to throw it.

 

00;17;59;28 – 00;18;23;21

Mom

And he said, mama, I want to stay in the car and then he stopped and he said, if I throw the car, it goes, bye bye. Yes. And then he stopped himself, which is like so amazing to me, you know, that he could like he started. Obviously he doesn’t do that all the time. But like when he’s not too mad and not like too dysregulated, he’s able to do that.

 

00;18;23;21 – 00;18;43;21

Mom

So to me is like a positive like oh my gosh. He’s like yeah, you know. But I find like with the hitting it, that’s different for us because my reaction to his hitting me is hard for me to just keep neutral because I always kind of like, oh, or like, yeah, why did you do that? You know, like kind of like in my immediate reaction to being physically hurt.

 

00;18;43;24 – 00;18;51;03

Mom

So I think that’s something also that I feel like my husband and I can work on is just working on how we react to him.

 

00;18;51;05 – 00;19;08;27

Dr. Mona

And you said it perfectly that that is part of the consistency, right? Consistency is not only what all caregivers are doing in the response, but it’s the consistency in realizing that my response really matters as a parent. Like consistency is part of it. But then the second big principle here is how we avoid the rise in our behavior.

 

00;19;08;27 – 00;19;32;11

Dr. Mona

And I mentioned that earlier with the children do this, you know, they’re doing this to in a way express their feelings, but also see how we are going to respond. And remember that reaction he got out of you, the fact that you said, oh, oh, he just got his mom to pay attention to him right? He doesn’t realize that that’s not a quote unquote positive response, right?

 

00;19;32;11 – 00;19;52;24

Dr. Mona

He just got a response out of you. Ryan needs to start to pull my hair and be playful, like hitting and pulling around nine months. And I nip this in the bud very early where, you know, I would say, no, we don’t pull mommy’s hair. And if he keeps doing it even as young as nine months, I would remove him from my the ability to grab my hair, meaning I would pull it down.

 

00;19;52;27 – 00;20;11;00

Dr. Mona

We would play on the ground where he can’t grab my hair because right now I’m not holding him. But we would move the physical situation so that I reiterate that you can do whatever you want, but you’re not having access to the pulling or the hitting. Yeah. And then the reaction is true. My husband always reacts, oh, oh, you know, like the big reaction.

 

00;20;11;00 – 00;20;24;28

Dr. Mona

And my son would do it more with him because he’s like, oh, my dad’s going to give me this awesome, cool reaction in response. And so a lot of parenting is kind of like you said, it is so hard when your child comes, even if they walk up to you and slap you across your face or try to pull your hair.

 

00;20;25;06 – 00;20;45;16

Dr. Mona

It’s a lot of mindfulness to kind of say, this is not them trying to be a bad kid. I am going to make so much change, similar to what you did with the how you approach the throwing. If I control my reaction, I can do this. And if you mess, if you don’t like, if you just see there is that moment where you do respond, right and you go, you’re going to say, ooh, that didn’t feel good.

 

00;20;45;16 – 00;21;02;23

Dr. Mona

And then you’re changing your tone, right? Like after realize that you made a reaction. Oh, that did not feel good. We do not pull mommy’s hair. We do not hit. If you hit mommy again, I have to either hold you right like me. Never hold you like in a big hug, or move away from right. Right so that he can’t have access.

 

00;21;02;23 – 00;21;21;11

Dr. Mona

So that becomes really because we’re throwing. You’re right. You did exactly what I wanted you to do and that you said, hey, if you throw this, I have to take it away. That’s a natural consequence. What that means is you are taking away the thing that he’s throwing. It’s very actually easy to remedy throwing because you’re saying, hey, if you throw that, I have to take it and then you follow through.

 

00;21;21;11 – 00;21;37;14

Dr. Mona

You can’t not follow through, because if you don’t commit to your boundary, which your boundary was, if you throw it, I’m taking it away. They’re going to realize, oh, mommy, daddy doesn’t mean business. I can throw it. But he’s realizing, oh, shoot, if I throw this, they’re going to take this away. And he even said, it doesn’t mean he’s going to do it forever.

 

00;21;37;20 – 00;21;54;25

Dr. Mona

No, but it’s going to be repetition, right? The consistency and repetition that he’s going to realize. If I want to hold on to this object, which usually the thing that they’re throwing, they do like, I should probably not throw it right. Hitting is much harder because you can’t remove your like, you can’t physically remove your hair. You can’t right?

 

00;21;54;26 – 00;22;10;26

Dr. Mona

Like yourself. So you may have to say, if you hit mommy, we’re not allowed to hit. It’s okay. And you know, part of the verbalizing that you mentioned is very quick of it’s okay for you to be upset. I see that you really wanted to touch the microwave. We can try again later. But you cannot hit mommy. Right.

 

00;22;10;28 – 00;22;32;28

Dr. Mona

And that’s it’s that’s the verbalization. And if he tries to run at you again and try to hit you again, you say again, it’s okay that you’re upset, but you cannot hit mommy. Since you’re hitting mommy, I have to give you a big hug. And that means really getting him into a big bear hug. You might have to lay down with him or on you and holding his arms down while you’re again giving physical affection.

 

00;22;32;28 – 00;22;55;28

Dr. Mona

You’re not restraining him. You’re not like pinning him down. You’re using your body with affection to say, hitting is not okay. I know that you’re very upset. I understand that you wanted to touch the microwave. We’ll try again later. But you cannot hit mommy. I’m going to hold your body until you’re calm, until your body is relaxed. I’m going to hold your body until it’s calm and it’s relaxed if you’re not strong enough.

 

00;22;56;05 – 00;22;58;27

Dr. Mona

Because I understand sometimes these kids can be very strong.

 

00;22;58;27 – 00;22;59;16

Mom

Oh, yeah.

 

00;22;59;23 – 00;23;19;00

Dr. Mona

I get it. Then you physically have to remove yourself from him, right? Like if he’s trying to chase you, you’re going to hold your body and protect yourself or even hold his arms down. Right? Gently. You’re not forcing it. You’re not like you. Remember, this is not a forceful thing, but you have to protect yourself from the hitting and reaffirm that I’m not going to let you hit.

 

00;23;19;00 – 00;23;36;24

Dr. Mona

And you’re looking him in the eyes while he’s screaming and crying and saying, I see that you’re very upset, but I cannot let you hit me. I will not let you hit me. And then that’s what the validation is, right? The validation is it’s okay with the emotion. You can be upset that you didn’t get what you wanted, but you can’t hit me because you didn’t get what you wanted, right?

 

00;23;36;24 – 00;23;51;14

Dr. Mona

And that is how we can kind of navigate the hitting, right? I used to give Ryan a big hug. Now he’s not in a hitting phase because we did a lot of this. And I’m telling you, when he was like two and a half and did some of the hitting, he was a big thrower. But when he did some hitting, it was me holding him.

 

00;23;51;14 – 00;24;05;28

Dr. Mona

He would be crying. He’d be trying to shake in my arms, and I would just wrap my legs over his legs, if you will. Like, imagine like if you’re, you know. And I pulled him in a big bear hug and I would just rock him and say, it’s okay. I know you’re very upset, but you can’t hit mommy.

 

00;24;06;02 – 00;24;24;12

Dr. Mona

And it’s that repetition that helped. And if again, like, you’re not able to because of strength, I understand, then you would just have to be very consistent with removing yourself so that they don’t get the opportunity to hit you and have that reaction. But a lot of it, like you said, is controlling the reaction, which takes a lot of taking away the personal aspect of it.

 

00;24;24;12 – 00;24;46;22

Dr. Mona

I understand how annoying and hard it is to be hit, like it’s not something that feels good. I get that, but recognizing that, hey, if I can control my reaction and I can change this behavior, this is going to stop and we’re going to be in a much better situation, you know? So it’s almost like you look at it like how you do with the throwing that I’m going to change this because I know by changing it, I’m going to see changes in his behavior.

 

00;24;46;25 – 00;25;18;28

Mom

Yeah. And I totally agree. It’s controlling like our reaction to it. It’s I grew up in a household where I was kind of disciplined physically and you know, as was I, yelling and crying was like not allowed. So if you were like loud because you were upset, like you would be physically punished. And yes, for me at least, is the trigger of like when it’s not like, so when he gets really mad and he tries to hit me, then he gets to the point of getting really, really mad.

 

00;25;18;28 – 00;25;39;13

Mom

He’ll just crumble to the ground and like, flail around like a fish out of the water. Like that’s how he, like, gets all his anger out. And to me, that’s very triggering, even though I know that he’s that’s just his body of way of like, releasing his emotion. And it’s very, very difficult for me to keep calm and like, just kind of neutral about it.

 

00;25;39;13 – 00;26;00;21

Mom

And I feel now thinking about it as like, I feel like it’s probably because the way I was raised that like, part of me is like, oh my goodness. Like, do I need to just like physically, you know, punish him? Like sometimes it’s yeah, my husband and I, we never hit him. I never want to hit him. Even though, like, both of us came from a background where we were both physically punished.

 

00;26;00;26 – 00;26;26;21

Mom

Yes. But, you know, it’s somewhat like sometimes when it’s, like, really loud and he’s screaming and he’s, like, trying to hit you. It’s like that really takes over me. And it’s like, at that point I just have to walk away because I have to take a loss for myself. But thankfully that doesn’t happen as often as it used to, like it used to escalate a lot, but I feel like now he’ll just crumble to the ground for like two minutes.

 

00;26;26;21 – 00;26;42;16

Mom

And then, you know, for me, I find that and it’s right, you know, with consistent feedback to him, he usually gets over it a lot quicker. But it’s just like controlling my reaction to it. It’s just the toughest thing to me.

 

00;26;42;18 – 00;27;00;24

Dr. Mona

100%. And you bringing up a point that I think I talk about this a lot on other episodes, if you listen to it or, you know, obviously on my platform about your childhood, right? So, so much of it is you could have had a parent that didn’t physically, you know, do corporal punishment, slapping, hitting, whatever. I also grew up in a household where that was the way that I was disciplined.

 

00;27;00;27 – 00;27;31;06

Dr. Mona

My father and it was extremely hard. And so when I became a parent, and even before that, I know how not so great that is, right? I also know that that’s not a great feeling for us, right? That I don’t want to raise a kid like that. That’s not what I wanted. And it took a lot of mental work to say, I want to undo this, because undoing this is going to be the best thing for me and my ways of coping with stress, but also for my child to understand how beneficial it is to not grow up in a household where physical punishment was the way of the game, right?

 

00;27;31;06 – 00;27;48;17

Dr. Mona

And physical punishment. A lot of it could be also time outs. I’m actually not fully against time outs. It’s not my first go to. I personally like in this situation. I would rather have you walk away from him in the same room where you’re saying it’s okay to be upset, but you’re hitting mommy. Mommy is going to step away and go into the kitchen.

 

00;27;48;23 – 00;28;05;09

Dr. Mona

I’m here if you need a hug, you know, you can reiterate that you can have physical contact, but the only way you’re having physical contact with me is if you need a hug to regulate your big emotions right now. Right? Right. And if he tries to come at you with a physical hit, you cannot hit me. I can give you a hug.

 

00;28;05;14 – 00;28;23;25

Dr. Mona

You. That’s something that I want you to verbalize, too. It doesn’t mean that he’s going to do it that day, but it’s something that he’ll start to realize mommy’s not going anywhere. I’m not getting punished for having the big feeling for timeouts. You know, timeouts are tough because it usually it’s out of our own stress, right? We are so over word to say and we’re like, just go to your room.

 

00;28;23;25 – 00;28;41;12

Dr. Mona

It’s usually not a it’s not you know, I’ll do a whole thing about timeouts, but it tends to be because we’re frustrated and that doesn’t help them learning anything. So we really want to try to, in my opinion, like I would really try to stay in the same room so he knows that I’m okay, that you’re feeling upset, but you’re not going to have access to hitting me.

 

00;28;41;17 – 00;29;00;12

Dr. Mona

And if you do try to hit me, I’m here and available for a hug. And that is physical tension that and physical affection that is beneficial, right? Obviously that’s the attention that he probably will love to do. And you’ll probably find that by saying that more and more, it’s okay to feel upset. You cannot hit me if you need me, I’m here for you.

 

00;29;00;12 – 00;29;18;08

Dr. Mona

Like so he gets that shoot. I had this big feeling I’m trying to hit my mom. She will not let me near her to hit her. But maybe I do need a hug. And physical affection, like a hug is, like, extremely powerful. I mean, I can’t stress enough how some people feel like, oh, I’m not a hugger, but it is human nature.

 

00;29;18;08 – 00;29;32;21

Dr. Mona

Physical contact is something that can be very beneficial to a lot of children. Not every kid is a hugger, but it’s offering it, right? Like it’s part of the package of I’m here if you need me, if you need a hug, if you need that connection. But I will not let you hit me like it’s not going to happen.

 

00;29;32;21 – 00;29;48;03

Dr. Mona

So if you hit me, I’m holding down your arms. Or I’m giving you a big hug so that you can’t hit me, but that I still love you. You know, like I really feel that we’re sending them away or getting mad at them for having to feel like they can’t differentiate the feeling versus the behavior that much. Right?

 

00;29;48;03 – 00;30;04;22

Dr. Mona

So we have to kind of set that repetition and that consistency of I’m taking your toy away if you throw it. If you try to hit me, I’m holding your arms down. So then they get it. But then we also want to still show them that we love them, even when they’re having the big feeling that led to that not desirable behavior.

 

00;30;04;22 – 00;30;14;26

Dr. Mona

Because we’re not okay with the behavior, right? We’re obeying the feeling, but we’re trying to teach them over time that you can have the feeling, but that doesn’t mean you have to execute it in like this way. That’s physical.

 

00;30;14;28 – 00;30;33;12

Mom

Right? I do have a question, though. Sometimes when he gets really mad and we don’t usually say to him, go to your room. I think that was like maybe one time my husband with this felt overwhelm. But sometimes he does ask. He’s like, I want to go upstairs and take quiet time. Like he ask us to do that.

 

00;30;33;19 – 00;30;58;07

Mom

That’s fine. And yes, I was worried. Like when he does that, I always offer, okay, do you want mama to come with you? And he’s always like, no, you know, he’ll. But sometimes when he’s mad, I can’t. When he says no, he actually means yes. Or like you, the yes, he actually means no. So it’s like in that situation, would you recommend that I go with him even if he says no?

 

00;30;58;07 – 00;30;59;03

Mom

Like, should I go?

 

00;30;59;03 – 00;31;18;11

Dr. Mona

I love this question. I love this question because yes, they sometimes don’t know what they need when they’re dysregulated. Right? So using the example of with Ryan, like I’ll say, hey Ryan, if you need me, I’m here and I’ll give you a hug. I don’t want a hug. And then 10s later mommy hug. Right. So one thing that you can do if you have the time to do this, and I know it depends on, you know, you have another child.

 

00;31;18;11 – 00;31;37;20

Dr. Mona

If your partner’s there is say, hey, you want your moment, I’ll be outside your door. Open the door when you need me, right? So that they know that I’m okay with you having quiet time. But if you change your mind, I’m not going to be there. Another example if, depending on the age and the ability to walk down stairs and your comfortability with safety is saying, that’s perfectly fine.

 

00;31;37;20 – 00;31;53;12

Dr. Mona

But remember, mommy’s here if you need her so you can come back downstairs. Or you can call for mommy if you need her, and I’m going to come right up for you. So using those things I like to sitting outside like sometimes like when Ryan we do some like safe corners, like, and we have a little chair in his play area.

 

00;31;53;19 – 00;32;10;27

Dr. Mona

And so we’ll sit there and I’ll just be on the other side and he’ll just come over when he’s ready. But usually he realizes sooner than later that, you know what, I actually want some physical hug or I want a physical tension, but initially they’re confused. You’re right. This is completely normal. That they’re going to be like, I don’t know what the heck I want because I’m dysregulated.

 

00;32;10;29 – 00;32;26;14

Dr. Mona

They’re dysregulated. They don’t understand. They just have all these big emotions and they’re only three, you know, not even that they don’t understand. Well, what am I supposed to do with this? But our repetition of you can have this if you want to go, that’s fine. If you’re able to. Standing outside the room is so that, you know, for safety and also proximity.

 

00;32;26;17 – 00;32;46;20

Dr. Mona

But if you’re not able to do that, if you trust the ability for them to call for you safety, all that, then you can be downstairs or wait for him. But that is perfectly reasonable to do as well. And then reiterating it during that moment is really key. Like whenever we go through that, when Ryan was learning about this, you know, we’d say, I see that you’re having big feelings and we squat down on the ground, like, do you need a hug right now?

 

00;32;46;26 – 00;33;00;29

Dr. Mona

Right? I’d say that when he’s having, like, just a tantrum, not even hitting or whatever, and he would say, no hug. And I’m like, okay, but I’m here if you want a hug. And then I would check it again. Like, just say I went into the kitchen to do something and he’s like still upset. I was still in the room, but I had to make dinner, right?

 

00;33;00;29 – 00;33;21;09

Dr. Mona

So I turn around again, kneel down and say, you’re I see that you’re very upset. Not like every second, right? But just giving like a little minute and say, I see that you’re really upset. If you want a hug, mommy’s here for a big hug. And then maybe that time he switches. Maybe not. Right. But the repetition again, going back to that repetition of offering helps him understand that you’re not going anywhere.

 

00;33;21;12 – 00;33;40;06

Dr. Mona

Meaning you’re still going to love your child, but you do regardless of them having these extremely big emotions and going back to your childhood. We were not taught that right. We were taught that our big emotions were negative. So you have to now tell yourself it is okay to have this. And you know, I hope this conversation helps, but it is okay to be upset, right?

 

00;33;40;06 – 00;33;53;20

Dr. Mona

It is okay, but now I have to be okay with the being upset. And I’m going to use this and say it’s okay and teach my child that his emotions are valid, but that I need to teach him that he can’t hit me, throw that at us. All that stuff that we’re talking about.

 

00;33;53;22 – 00;33;56;10

Mom

Right. That makes a lot of sense. Yeah, yeah.

 

00;33;56;14 – 00;34;16;21

Dr. Mona

And then the other point of all this hitting and throwing, which I mentioned I would talk about, was really giving the opportunities of when he can hit or throw. So when he’s calm, right. We’re talking about now when things are great, right. Like there’s no tantrum, there’s no microwave issues, all of that. So just say, you know, when he’s throwing a ball outside, obviously saying, yes, great job throwing your ball.

 

00;34;16;21 – 00;34;33;01

Dr. Mona

You’re doing a great job. You’re putting it in the neurons in his brain that oh, throwing a ball mommy was really happy with okay, cool. Like I can throw a ball outside, right? You know, they sell toys that are like those play hammers with like, kind of hammer things in like these, like toys with pegs. Give giving examples.

 

00;34;33;01 – 00;34;50;25

Dr. Mona

Right. That’s something like hitting. Yes. Great job hitting the toy. This is what we’re able to hit right. Good job. Like any opportunity that you see that you may not you may forget. That’s okay. But we’re trying to use the yeses. Right. When are those behaviors okay. There’s not many behaviors that are going to or many times that that’s going to be okay.

 

00;34;50;25 – 00;35;12;12

Dr. Mona

But we want to really give that opportunity to that child to say, here’s this yes situation here is when you’re okay to do those things, and I’m actually okay with it. And you can say, really great job. Wow, you really got that pig in, or you really threw that ball really far. And then also giving that opportunity, like you said, of just yes is in general with like all the things like the microwave, right.

 

00;35;12;17 – 00;35;36;01

Dr. Mona

Giving him opportunities as much as you can of doing the things that he that causes the tantrum. Right. Like if it is that you can have him use that microwave, let him use it like you know that that’s something he really likes. And so when he if that’s a source of a lot of tantrums, just giving an example, then you’re going to say, you know what, I’m going to take the ten extra seconds that it takes for him to do it versus myself, because it fills his cup because it makes him feel so good.

 

00;35;36;07 – 00;35;52;28

Dr. Mona

I get it as parents, sometimes we can’t let them do that for time reasons or whatever. But when you’re able to and then when he does do it, we want to build that up and say, really great job next time. Mommy may do it, but thank you so much for helping me. It means so much, and you can put it in his brain that he did it once.

 

00;35;52;28 – 00;36;10;15

Dr. Mona

Maybe mommy will do it next time, but you’re saying well and it’s okay to build up their cup and build up the things that are good, because that’s what makes the good parts of the brain the stuff that we want to stick in large. Right? That’s the stuff that we want, the behaviors that we love. We want to give positive reinforcement.

 

00;36;10;15 – 00;36;31;00

Dr. Mona

We want to praise the good quote unquote behaviors. Right? We want to okay those big emotions, but really start to okay, the behaviors that we’re really wanting in our family, right? Helping. Yeah. Using the microwave throwing when we’re supposed to throw, hitting when we’re supposed to hit. But then when it’s time to not do those behaviors, we want to be very consistent.

 

00;36;31;07 – 00;36;49;09

Dr. Mona

Repetition and controlling the rise. I mean, like we mentioned, which is so hard and it goes back to the childhood, it goes back to really telling yourself, and that’s train stuff that you’re gonna have to do. Even before these moments happen, of, if I can stay calm, this is going to change his behavior. I’m going to do this.

 

00;36;49;14 – 00;37;07;18

Dr. Mona

I do not like when he hits me, but that’s okay. I am the parent. I can be the strong one. I can get through this. Like, you really have to like self-talk yourself into saying, I can handle this, you know? And then the last thing was about you were mentioning about, like, the stomping the feet and all of that with meaning, like, other ways to cope with stress.

 

00;37;07;18 – 00;37;25;22

Dr. Mona

So we want to do that in periods of calm, too. So just say y’all are playing and it has to be a happy moment right where things are joyful. And you can say, just say you’re reading like a feelings book, like I love feelings book. We’re talking about feelings. And just so you see someone who’s angry in like a storybook or someone, you say, hey, this person looks angry.

 

00;37;25;25 – 00;37;39;05

Dr. Mona

What can we do when we’re feeling very angry? Oh, we can take a deep breath. We can stomp our feet. Meaning like run in place, right? We don’t want to, like, stomp the stairs, right? But run in place. We can give. If we’re feeling very angry. We can take that, like the deep breath or give me a hug.

 

00;37;39;08 – 00;38;03;13

Dr. Mona

So when you see those people or moments, that is when we’re going to start to teach them the coping skills. When they’re calm, right? Another example is like at a store or a public place, like kids are going to throw tantrums the way that we teach compassion and also empathy and also self-regulation for a child is if you see a child throwing a tantrum rather than saying, oh, that kid’s like, I’ve heard parents choose, oh, that kid’s a baby.

 

00;38;03;14 – 00;38;22;29

Dr. Mona

There are no, obviously that’s not true. Your kid has done tantrums also, right? You say, oh, you see, he’s very sad right now. What can we do when we’re feeling very sad? Oh, mommy, we can give a hug so that we’re normalizing that tantrums do happen, that children will throw tantrums. It’s fine. We’re not shaming anybody. And then we’re also showing compassion and empathy.

 

00;38;23;03 – 00;38;40;28

Dr. Mona

And you’re going to find that with that, you’re going to build a skill, which I think a lot of parents forget about, which is compassion and empathy of other human beings. And that’s going to teach them self-regulation when they’re upset because they’re being taught in this microcosm of my parents showing me that other children also go through this as well.

 

00;38;40;29 – 00;38;58;13

Dr. Mona

And even when your daughter to see you, she’s seven months and she starts to have tantrums, rather than saying, oh, she’s so difficult, like in front of him, hey, sweetie, you know your sister is feeling really upset. What can we do when someone’s feeling upset? Like that is how he’s going to also learn that it’s okay that I have big feelings.

 

00;38;58;13 – 00;39;17;25

Dr. Mona

It’s okay that my sister has big feelings. It’s okay that the girl down the street has weak feelings and it’s okay. My mommy has big feelings, but we can do this with coping skills, self-regulation. And this is like again, it goes on a tangent above what we’re talking about. But I think it really matters when we’re talking about development behavior and how children learn to cope with their emotions.

 

00;39;17;25 – 00;39;23;15

Dr. Mona

When they start to normalize that, this happens to everyone. But now we are in control of how we regulate it.

 

00;39;23;17 – 00;39;47;10

Mom

Right? Oh, that makes so much sense. Yeah, yeah, I really need to practice with them more in a calm setting. You know, the reacting to being angry and stuff. We do a lot of that. You know, he throws balls. And we like to reiterate oh that’s a great throw. You know we just balls balls are great. So but with the hitting part, you know I feel like we need to practice that in a calm setting more.

 

00;39;47;10 – 00;40;04;25

Mom

And the suggestion you brought up about, you know, reading the feelings book and practicing it, then as a as a great suggestion, I don’t think we’ve that we have feelings books, but I don’t think we’ve ever talked about actually practicing. Oh, let’s like stomp our feet when we’re angry. Let’s practice it right now. Like, I don’t think I do enough of that.

 

00;40;04;25 – 00;40;13;16

Mom

And so that’s probably what what we need to do is kind of like repeat behavior that you want to see. But in a calm setting, when he’s not throwing a tantrum.

 

00;40;13;16 – 00;40;31;29

Dr. Mona

And the best way is, like I said, in natural things in your life, I don’t want you to have to create situations, right? So you it doesn’t mean that you have to go outside to throw a ball. If you’re throwing a ball, that’s when it happens. So that’s why I like to use books as a great tool, because if you do, I hope you know if you are doing storytime, to say it is an emotion book that you have, you throw that in there.

 

00;40;32;02 – 00;40;48;28

Dr. Mona

And sometimes it’s not even a book about emotions. Sometimes it’s a story about a wolf. And, you know, the three bears. Sometimes the bear is upset and then you use the a bear being upset as an avenue of teaching about emotions. Right? Like using anything in your life versus trying to create situations that way. It’s very natural, right.

 

00;40;48;28 – 00;41;10;17

Dr. Mona

And it’s part of your daily routine. And that’s why I use the example of birthday parties and activities, because I do feel it adds, like I said, that compassion piece and that learning opportunity to say it’s okay. Sometimes you’re sad, sometimes mommy sad, sometimes we’re frustrated, and then we can teach in that moment because they’re calm right? Like if they’re not throwing the tantrum and they start to register in their brain.

 

00;41;10;17 – 00;41;26;20

Dr. Mona

I mean, this goes back to cognitive development, right? Cognitive development is how a child learns about their cells and how they interact with the world and how the world interacts with them and how everything connects. And so I feel like so much of what we can teach our kids is cognitive development. And that means stuff in their daily life.

 

00;41;26;24 – 00;41;39;29

Dr. Mona

Right. And so don’t ever feel like you have to create these special opportunities because that’s not going to happen. Like, I don’t feel like you have to like, oh, shoot, you talk to your partner, you’re like, oh my gosh, we forgot to teach him how to jog in place today as a coping skills. That’s not what we do either, right?

 

00;41;39;29 – 00;42;00;27

Dr. Mona

We just let it naturally. It’s going to come like just go from being with your child and people having emotions around you. Maybe you had a big feeling and cried one day. Maybe your husband was very upset. Yeah, using those opportunities as ways of teaching them about emotional regulation so that when they actually do get to those moments combined with the we don’t throw, I’m taking away the toy, all of that.

 

00;42;00;27 – 00;42;17;08

Dr. Mona

It’s all a package deal, right? It’s normalizing the feeling, filling their cup. And it’s also saying we can’t do this behavior. And I’m going to be very, very consistent about following through with you not being able to do that behavior, which is like hitting me, your dad throwing something. And it sounds like you all are on the right track.

 

00;42;17;08 – 00;42;34;10

Dr. Mona

And now it’s just about really getting down to that emotional regulation piece of, I can do this, I’m going to do this. We’re going to teach him. And the more I’m able to self-regulate and, you know, not have that rise, I’m going to see change. And I can’t wait to touch base with you in a few weeks, because I think it changes in just a month of doing this.

 

00;42;34;12 – 00;42;47;04

Mom

Oh yeah, I really hope so. And I agree that that’s the biggest thing for me. And my husband is just too emotionally regulate ourselves before we react to our son. So yeah, that’s.

 

00;42;47;04 – 00;42;59;16

Dr. Mona

I’m so glad I cannot wait to touch base with you about this, because I really think it’s going to be something that really does change for the better. You’re already seeing in the last couple weeks some changes, and this is just going to be the icing on the cake. So thank you again for joining me today.

 

00;42;59;18 – 00;43;03;00

Mom

Thank you so much, doctor for having me. And thank you for all you do.

 

00;43;03;02 – 00;43;29;08

Dr. Mona

Oh I loved this conversation. We talked about hitting and throwing, but we also brought up some really important principles that I just think are so vital when we talk about discipline and child behavior. I want to wrap up this episode like I do with all of my Monday morning episodes, by talking about three take home points. These are three parenting principles that you can apply to this situation.

 

00;43;29;10 – 00;43;53;19

Dr. Mona

These principles can also be used in many other different situations. As a parent, the principles we’re talking about today are consistency, avoiding the rise or big reaction, and giving opportunities for yeses. So in terms of consistency, you heard me talk with this mother. How important it is for all caregivers to be on the same page on how we’re going to approach throwing, hitting and other behaviors.

 

00;43;53;21 – 00;44;10;11

Dr. Mona

This is really important to the child can get that understanding that this is how we are going to do things in this family, and this is what’s important to my caregivers. Consistency also is important in how we respond of course, sometimes you may have a bad day. Of course, sometimes your child is going to hit you and it’s going to really hurt.

 

00;44;10;17 – 00;44;31;26

Dr. Mona

And you may not have that calm reaction all the time, but it’s really important in the big picture to understand why we’re doing the things that we do, why we want to be consistent, and why we want to do the second thing, which is avoiding the big rise. Avoiding the big rise is so important because kids are looking at how we respond, not only if we positively respond.

 

00;44;32;00 – 00;44;51;20

Dr. Mona

So if we give positive reinforcement, they’re going to love that, but they’re also going to look at if we give big emotions that are quote unquote more negative emotions, like yelling, upset, because that just got them a response as well. They are looking for a response, attention, regardless of if that is positive or negative to them, because they just got you to pay attention to them.

 

00;44;51;24 – 00;45;11;28

Dr. Mona

And that is kind of what they want when they’re doing these behaviors. They want to say to you, I am upset and I need you to know and see that I’m upset. So if we start to verbalize and say, hey, I see that you’re upset, you’re not allowed to throw, not only are we seeing them for what’s going on, but we are setting healthy boundaries with that consistency and avoiding the big rise is really hard.

 

00;45;11;28 – 00;45;28;15

Dr. Mona

Like we mentioned. You know, sometimes you are going to get upset or maybe react and you’re like, oh, I want it to be more calm and not feel like BS by them hitting me. And it’s really important to really check back in and say, okay, look, I just responded and say, oh, you hit mommy. That hurt mommy. Remember, we cannot hit.

 

00;45;28;15 – 00;45;44;28

Dr. Mona

And if you hit mommy, I have to move. You away or I have to move away. It’s very important that we start to recognize how vital avoiding the big raise can be. It doesn’t mean that we’re going to be calm, cool, and collected every time, but we really want to remember how useful this is going to be in the long run.

 

00;45;45;01 – 00;46;02;19

Dr. Mona

Because if we recognize that, we’re more likely to do it. And a lot of this comes from looking at our childhood, looking how we looked at emotions growing up and how we look at emotions now, how we were disciplined, which is a conversation me and the mom guest had on this episode, which I think is a really important take home point as well.

 

00;46;02;22 – 00;46;26;25

Dr. Mona

And the last parenting principle, which there are so many. But of course I wanted to kind of keep it to three, is giving opportunities for yeses. So you heard me mention to the mom that it’s very important when you are naturally in a situation where you can teach coping skills when they’re calm, when they’re playing with a ball, throwing something that is allowed to be thrown, that you are rocking and record using that behavior and when it’s appropriate.

 

00;46;27;02 – 00;46;50;15

Dr. Mona

Great job throwing the ball. You threw really hard. We get to throw balls outside. You don’t need to tell them then and there. Repeat all the time okay? Don’t throw your toys. Don’t throw your toys. You can kind of throw it in there. But the more we build into their brain where you’re allowed to throw, if they’re allowed to hit something, like I said, if they’re hitting like a hammer on like a toy that has like a peg or something, using those opportunities to build those neurons, that this is something that’s okay with my caregivers.

 

00;46;50;15 – 00;47;08;04

Dr. Mona

Awesome. And then really being consistent with things when they’re not okay. So if we want to stop throwing behavior, hey, I see that you’re upset, but you can’t throw your toy. If you throw your toy, mommy takes it away. If they throw it, you follow through. The more we can do that with consistency, the more we can avoid the big rise.

 

00;47;08;08 – 00;47;33;13

Dr. Mona

The more you’re going to see their cup be filled with all of these opportunities for yeses. But they’re understanding start to build that we’re not allowed to do those behaviors, but it’s okay to have big emotions. Thank you so much for tuning in. I am so grateful to be able to do this for you all, and speak to parents directly from this community, so make sure to leave a review if you found this helpful, and share it with a friend or share it on social media.

 

00;47;33;15 – 00;47;53;00

Dr. Mona

Remember to sign up for my email list, because this is how you can stay up to date on all things parenting and health news, any workshops I’m doing, and so much more. And it’s also how I release the form to come on as a guest parent on this podcast. Ask me a question. Thank you so much and I can’t wait to talk to another parent next time.