I love discussing frustration because it is a normal human emotion just like sadness, fear, joy, or happiness. As parents, our role is to teach children what these feelings mean and help them cope. Enter frustration tolerance. Tune in as I discuss managing our child’s frustration when they can’t figure out a task like a new toy and how we can use those opportunities for learning. We discuss:

• What frustration tolerance is
• Why moments of frustration can be huge for a child’s cognitive development
• Important steps to managing the moments of frustration

Make sure to listen to the wrap-up as I share principles that can apply to many various parenting scenarios and for this case—overcoming advancing food anxiety

If you want to stay up to date on parenting, health, and development news or you want to be a parent guest on the podcast, sign up for our Newsletter!

00;00;00;00 – 00;00;16;09

Dr. Mona

One of the biggest things that we can do, especially for this age, is seeing what they can do first. They may not be able to, because of their dexterity of their fingers or their cognitive development or their strength. Right. Maybe it is hard to get on. But first ask your son. Can we figure out how to do this?

 

00;00;16;16 – 00;00;35;10

Dr. Mona

Let me see if you can do it yourself. Try opening it or closing it yourself. Like using phrases like that. Like in a very calm manner of let me see what you can do. I think you can figure it out. And if you can’t figure it out, I’m here to help you. Welcome back to the show. I am so excited that you’re here.

 

00;00;35;12 – 00;01;01;28

Dr. Mona

If you’re listening to this episode when it goes live, this is the last Monday mornings with Doctor Mona episode for 2022, and I have loved this series. It started out as parents calling in their questions and me answering it, and then I pivoted to have parents actually come on to talk about those things that need a little bit more back and forth conversation so that I can really give that expert consultation advice.

 

00;01;02;00 – 00;01;34;04

Dr. Mona

In 2023, I’m going to be doing both. I’m going to be having parents continue to come on. And then for parents who are not comfortable coming on and talking with me on this public platform. I’ll be still allowing you to call in your questions. So we’re going to do a mixed format. So if you want your question answered, whether it is anonymously through a question that you call in or whether you want to come on and have a back and forth conversation, make sure you sign up for my newsletter, because that is how I’m going to send updates on how I’m inviting people onto the podcast.

 

00;01;34;09 – 00;01;56;29

Dr. Mona

And always remember to leave reviews, because that is how the podcast continues to be found by other people. So thank you so much. On this episode of Monday Mornings with Doctor Mona, I am talking with Chelsea, a parent of a two year old boy, about frustration tolerance. I like to talk about frustration as frustration tolerance because frustration is a very healthy human emotion.

 

00;01;57;02 – 00;02;14;05

Dr. Mona

We want to teach our children how to cope with that feeling. Same thing with sadness, with happiness. So make sure you listen to the entire conversation and at the end I will do a wrap up like I always do for all Monday morning episodes.

 

00;02;14;07 – 00;02;22;03

Dr. Mona

Hey Chelsea, thank you so much for joining me on today’s episode. Tell me what’s on your mind today as a mom. Hi. I feel like.

 

00;02;22;05 – 00;02;29;07

Chelsea

My son, just gets really frustrated sometimes. Not sure how to always approach it.

 

00;02;29;09 – 00;02;51;28

Dr. Mona

I love this, I actually love talking about frustration. It’s, something I call frustration tolerance. Teaching our kids that frustration is one of our many human feelings. Emotions. And it’s normal. Just like being happy. Just like being sad. So really can’t wait to talk to you about this. But what has been the hardest aspect or even, let’s say, frustrating aspect for you as a parent when you see him frustrated?

 

00;02;52;01 – 00;03;10;13

Chelsea

Yeah, I definitely don’t like, you know, he gets really upset, like yelling, screaming sometimes. You know, maybe throw an object at whatever he’s frustrated with. I’m just not sure whether or not always you know, how much do I push of kind of, you know, maybe problem solving and solve or when I step in to help.

 

00;03;10;16 – 00;03;14;04

Dr. Mona

I love this. And so your child is how old he is.

 

00;03;14;04 – 00;03;16;20

Chelsea

Almost three is a few months away from being three.

 

00;03;16;23 – 00;03;32;03

Dr. Mona

Perfect. And when did you start to notice? I don’t know if you can look back, maybe even as early as nine months. Or if you don’t, that’s okay. When did you start to notice that sort of uncomfortability with frustration? Or he would start to get frustrated when he was doing an activity or playing with a toy or something like that?

 

00;03;32;06 – 00;03;37;22

Chelsea

I would say maybe around started, maybe around like 18 months or two years old.

 

00;03;37;25 – 00;03;46;24

Dr. Mona

And what would be the last example? Or if it’s not a last example, it would be like an example you’d want to share of a situation where he was frustrated.

 

00;03;46;26 – 00;04;00;02

Chelsea

Well there’s this there’s a Bluey JB he loves to play with and just trying to open and close the top of the Jeep is difficult for him. And it’s actually kind of hard for me to look at.

 

00;04;00;02 – 00;04;01;19

Dr. Mona

It, but that’s a good point.

 

00;04;03;00 – 00;04;07;17

Chelsea

But he does. He gets really frustrated when he’s trying to play with it and trying to close it, open it.

 

00;04;07;20 – 00;04;22;00

Dr. Mona

Very good example. Thank you for sharing that. What have you done in the past in that situation with the blue Jeep when he let’s just set the stage, he starts to get frustrated. What does he do? What does he say? How does he act? And what is your response in that moment?

 

00;04;22;02 – 00;04;47;17

Chelsea

He typically it’ll start to kind of get really upset and say like, I can’t do it, I can’t do it. And he might throw it if he gets too frustrated with it. And he just kind of maybe I’ll start to cry also or just get really agitated about it. I mean, usually if he gets frustrated, that sort of situation, like the first thing I do, we actually I’ll use the Daniel Tiger references and he has a couple of songs about frustration.

 

00;04;47;17 – 00;05;00;15

Chelsea

So one is like taking back and asking for help. So, you know, I’ll remind him that like if he really feels like he can’t do it himself to ask for help, you say, mommy, I need help. So Benji.

 

00;05;00;18 – 00;05;32;03

Dr. Mona

I love this. And so let’s talk about the situation and I appreciate you sharing the scenario because I love these episodes where I have parents come on the podcast because it really gives us an idea of the situation we’re in so that we can better understand the situation we’ve all been in with our children. You’re not alone. When you have a child who has frustration, when they can’t figure things out or they don’t get what they want, but I love that you gave the example of they can’t figure something out because this is a learning opportunity for a child.

 

00;05;32;03 – 00;05;53;12

Dr. Mona

So I don’t like our children feeling sad. I don’t like when our children feel frustrated, when I see that I don’t want them to always feel that feeling. But like I said already, it is a very normal human feeling. And when they are frustrated, these opportunities are going to be the opportunities that we can maybe teach them something and a new skill, right, because they are frustrated.

 

00;05;53;12 – 00;06;10;08

Dr. Mona

So now they have to figure out, okay, I have this feeling I really want to open the Jeep cover. What am I going to do to manage this frustration and meet the goal that I want to meet, which is opening the Jeep cover, and that is when we can actually maybe teach them with our patience with modeling. And I’ll get into all of that.

 

00;06;10;08 – 00;06;39;00

Dr. Mona

So it is a learning opportunity, if you will, if we can stay calm in those moments and teach them. So now we have to balance a few things here, because the first step is in anything that we do as parents is always modeling our own frustration tolerance. How do we respond to frustration in front of our child? Not in this situation, because you’re not frustrated by the Jeep I’m talking about if you are in traffic or you can’t get something open, like a package open, you know, anything.

 

00;06;39;00 – 00;06;59;06

Dr. Mona

As adults, they’re watching how we respond to frustration. So one of the first tips I have for all everyone listening when we talk about frustration management, is really checking in with ourselves on how we as adults manage frustration as well. And sometimes that may be really looking in and saying, oh yeah, I get a little upset when I’m frustrated and that’s normal.

 

00;06;59;06 – 00;07;26;15

Dr. Mona

We’re human. But how can I start to model the behavior I want to teach my child, which is okay, I’m frustrated, but I’m not going to yell. I’m not going to curse. I’m not going to do that. I really want a model that it’s okay for me to be frustrated. But now how do I process that? The first thing I always like to remind families when we’re talking about managing children’s emotions, is really looking in to ourselves on how we model our frustration in other situations.

 

00;07;26;18 – 00;07;46;18

Dr. Mona

And in this one with your son, I think one of the big things we have to remember here is really giving him some space to figure it out, and this is going to be one of those repetition things in parenting. Meaning, you already said to me that the Jeep cover is hard to put back on, but a lot of this could be you getting down to his level, right?

 

00;07;46;18 – 00;08;14;17

Dr. Mona

So just say he is upset about the Jeep and he can’t figure it out. And you’re standing, you know, or sitting somewhere else or whatever. Try to get down to his level or get down on the floor with him. I know this is not always possible. Maybe you can’t physically get down for whatever reason, or maybe you’re busy, but if you are able to really try to get down to their level whenever you can so that they know that you’re meeting them eye to eye, that you’re on their same team, that you’re understanding that they’re frustrated.

 

00;08;14;19 – 00;08;35;26

Dr. Mona

And then I want you to really try your hardest to pause and not do it for them. Right. So I use an example like, Ryan used to get very frustrated with puzzles like jigsaw puzzles, and I am really good at puzzles. So my first instinct as a mother, because I’m really good at puzzles would be to do the puzzle for him would be to, you know what?

 

00;08;35;26 – 00;08;54;20

Dr. Mona

Okay, let me show you how to do it. But I think one of the biggest things that we can do, especially for this age, is seeing what they can do first. They may not be able to because of their dexterity of their fingers or their cognitive development or their strength. Right. Maybe it is hard to get on, but first ask your son, can we figure out how to do this?

 

00;08;54;27 – 00;09;16;13

Dr. Mona

Let me see if you can do it yourself. Try opening or closing it yourself, like using phrases like that, like in a very calm manner of let me see what you can do. I think you can figure it out. And if you can’t figure it out, I’m here to help you. So starting with giving them autonomy before we intervene is one of my biggest tips, because that gives us an opportunity to see what they can do.

 

00;09;16;15 – 00;09;31;18

Dr. Mona

And a one year old or a even two year old may not be able to do the skill that we want them to do, but at least we’re seeing and assessing our child’s cognitive developmental ability. And then when we see they’re like, I can’t do it, mommy, I can’t do it, okay. Do you want me to help you?

 

00;09;31;29 – 00;09;34;28

Dr. Mona

Does he responds with yes or no to yes.

 

00;09;34;28 – 00;09;35;08

Chelsea

Yes. Okay.

 

00;09;35;08 – 00;09;53;03

Dr. Mona

Perfect. So then you would, you know, after you’ve given him an opportunity and he still says, I can’t do it, you’ll say, okay, do you want mommy’s help? And then he’ll say, yes or no. Or you can say, let me show you how to do it. And then you would show him how to close the gap cover. Obviously, I hope you can, and you can make it a little bit light hearted too.

 

00;09;53;03 – 00;10;12;14

Dr. Mona

Like, if you’re having trouble, be honest and say, oh, sweetie, this is really tough to get on. No wonder you were having a little bit of trouble. Let’s see if we can figure it out. And then you would figure it out. And if you can’t just say you need your partner’s help, you would be very honest in the fact that you two can’t figure it out, but allow that sort of autonomy before we intervene.

 

00;10;12;14 – 00;10;32;06

Dr. Mona

Right? Like that. Let’s see what you can do. And then I’m going to intervene if you need to. And it’s okay to make it super light hearted if you’re having trouble or, you know, and then when you finally get it can be like, hey, great job trying. And for telling me that you needed help so that we’re building up their sort of cup of, okay, I couldn’t figure it out and that’s okay.

 

00;10;32;10 – 00;10;47;25

Dr. Mona

But I asked my mommy for help and she showed me how to do it. And the next time this happens, you’re going to do the same thing as an adult, right? Even though you’ve shown him you really want to make sure that you do not do it for him initially, and you’re going to say, okay, sweetie, let’s see you.

 

00;10;47;25 – 00;11;02;10

Dr. Mona

If you can do it, I think you can do it. I showed you last time, and let’s try it. And then you’re going to watch him as he tries to struggle through it. You’re not going to intervene. You’re just going to pause. If you want. You can walk him through it like, by talking him through it too, right?

 

00;11;02;10 – 00;11;19;26

Dr. Mona

Like, okay, great job. Do you remember what to do next? Okay. Yes. You lift that latch. Great job. You lift this up really good, right? You can walk him through, but I like to do that before we physically put our hands on the item. Just so that we are giving them that space. Because through that space, you’ll be surprised.

 

00;11;19;26 – 00;11;36;00

Dr. Mona

Sometimes their cognitive development will kind of click and they’ll be like, oh yeah, I remember this. Or oh yeah, I have to turn it this way. And I can tell you from personal experience using my puzzle example, it can be really hard to just sit there and wait for them to figure it out. But it’s kind of like putting on their shoes, like they can do it.

 

00;11;36;00 – 00;11;53;09

Dr. Mona

We just have to give them some time. And so I kind of like to use that step wise of, okay, give them some space, ask if they’ll do it, if they really can’t and they’re getting frustrated, ask them if they need your help or you know, if they want your help. And then when you do it, verbalize while you are doing it right.

 

00;11;53;15 – 00;12;07;26

Dr. Mona

Okay. Mommy’s lifting this up. And then I’m going to pull this here and then it’s going to snap. Oh that made a loud sound. So not only are you promoting language development and communication, but you’re walking him through it, right? So maybe next time he’ll actually learn how to do it with repetition.

 

00;12;07;28 – 00;12;09;05

Chelsea

Oh that’s great. Yeah.

 

00;12;09;08 – 00;12;17;09

Dr. Mona

And have you felt like you’ve done any of that or is there any part of what I just said that you’re like, oh yeah, we can add that in to what we were doing in those moments? Yeah. I mean.

 

00;12;17;09 – 00;12;42;11

Chelsea

I have sometimes before talking through it again, you know, if I had already explained it before and I try to say, oh yeah, remember, this is the way you do it and try to do that. But I think maybe sometimes I also don’t always give them maybe enough time. So I, you know, I probably should. Yeah. I take a beat and wait a little bit longer just to see how progressive like how he can maybe try to figure it out himself.

 

00;12;42;13 – 00;12;59;27

Dr. Mona

Well, what you’re describing the time, like it’s really hard to do these things because as parents, everyone listening can agree we are short on time, right? Like you’re busy. Maybe he’s doing that while you’re cooking dinner or you’re like, busy doing something else and you’re like, like I said, it’s easier. Absolu for us to do it for them.

 

00;12;59;27 – 00;13;16;13

Dr. Mona

And so that’s why I want to really reiterate that we’re doing this when we have the capability to do it. And hopefully we can add more space into our life where we can find this time, because it really can help the whole situation where the more we do this, the less you’re going to see those big responses when they’re frustrated.

 

00;13;17;04 – 00;13;37;28

Dr. Mona

Ryan used to be very frustrated. And I remember like his frustration started nine months early. I saw little glimmers of it. And I use that puzzle example because now, even if he can’t figure out the puzzle, he doesn’t get mad at himself. He doesn’t get frustrated because we’re also not getting mad as adults. Right? Like that’s another aspect of this is that one thing that it really goes into.

 

00;13;37;28 – 00;14;01;00

Dr. Mona

This is not only modeling the behavior you want, meaning just from the activities that you’re doing, but also modeling how we respond to their frustration. So if they’re getting frustrated and then we also get frustrated, right? So let’s use a scenario of that same thing with the Jeep cover. And he can’t figure it out. And you’re like, oh sweetie, come on I showed you yesterday versus that tone feels very rushed and not supportive.

 

00;14;01;00 – 00;14;26;21

Dr. Mona

Right. Versus oh, I remember showing you this yesterday. Do you remember what step to do next? Like one phrase is met with like, I want this to be over with. Just let’s do it. Let’s get it over with versus the other is like, can we figure this out? And I do believe I’ve talked about this a lot. I do believe tone really matters in how we approach these conversations and moments with our kids, because a lot of what they’re seeing is not even what we are saying.

 

00;14;26;21 – 00;14;51;09

Dr. Mona

Right? They’re looking at how our face is moving, they’re looking at how our body language is, and it takes a whole body experience to kind of model behavior and kind of really be that presence of, okay, we’re going to handle this. But I can tell from personal experience and just understanding children that the more we continue to do this for our kids like model, the more we continue to verbalize while we’re doing an activity or while they’re doing the activity.

 

00;14;51;11 – 00;15;17;26

Dr. Mona

Really great job. Yep. Turn that. They’re great, right? And not putting our hands on it, but just being present while they figure it out. The more they have that sort of feeling that, hey, in life I may not be able to figure something out and it may feel very uncomfortable to me, but I know that I am capable of doing this and that if I’m not, I have this loving caregiver who’s always going to be there if I need them.

 

00;15;18;01 – 00;15;36;08

Dr. Mona

Right. And that’s kind of what my goal is to raise a kid, is that they feel confident in what they know and don’t know, and if they can’t figure it out, they know that hopefully they have a loving caregiver like you there if they need troubleshooting help. And that’s kind of what I love talking about with frustration tolerance, because that’s part of it.

 

00;15;36;08 – 00;15;52;05

Dr. Mona

Right? It’s I can’t figure something out. And it’s an uncomfortable feeling. And my caregiver has two choices. They can either get mad and join my chaos or they can say, we got this. I think you can figure it out. Do you need my help? Yes, mommy. Okay, let’s show you. And do you think you want to try again next time?

 

00;15;52;12 – 00;16;15;21

Dr. Mona

Yeah, mommy, I can try. Okay, great. And if you need me, I’m here. Always end it like that. Right? Like my. One of my biggest phrases I love teaching is if you need me, I’m here for you. And then that really opens up that communication that you’re always going to be there, even if they’re 20 years old and are frustrated with some experience that they’re going through, it’s not going to overwhelm them to a point because they know this is a very normal human experience.

 

00;16;15;21 – 00;16;34;07

Dr. Mona

Number one. And number two, when I was five, six, two years old, ten years old, my parent gave me some space to figure it out, but also was always there if I needed to troubleshoot help. And that’s why I love having these conversations, because all these principles are really going to help down the line for our kids, too.

 

00;16;34;07 – 00;16;37;13

Dr. Mona

And I just think it’s such an important thing that we can do as parents.

 

00;16;37;16 – 00;16;38;20

Chelsea

I love that.

 

00;16;38;22 – 00;16;58;18

Dr. Mona

Yeah. And I think you’re going to really see some changes with his frustration tolerance and what I mean by frustration tolerance. And I’ve mentioned this a little bit already. Is there going to be frustrated. Right. Similar to kids being sad or happy, the feeling is there. The frustration can be there. We all get frustrated as adults, right? You’re stuck in traffic.

 

00;16;58;18 – 00;17;14;27

Dr. Mona

You got cut offs. That happened to me today when we’re recording this, right? But the frustration tolerance aspect is when you see that happen, how are you going to respond? Right? Are you going to yell and throw? Hopefully not. Toddlers are going to do that because that’s the only way at that age that they know how to cope.

 

00;17;15;02 – 00;17;37;16

Dr. Mona

Or are we just going to take a breath, try to figure it out? You know? And that is what I mean by that modeling that you’re doing as a parent, because that’s where they’re seeing that, right? They’re seeing you. Okay. How is my mommy responding when I’m frustrated? Okay. How does she respond when she’s frustrated. And I really pivoted a lot as an adult because I used to get very frustrated by traffic and little things.

 

00;17;37;16 – 00;18;04;21

Dr. Mona

When you look back at it. And when I became a mom, I’m like, I really need to control this because Ryan is always watching, right? They’re always watching. And yes, or sometimes I’m going to get upset or whatever. But he is looking at that because that’s how they’re going to respond when they’re in that same boat. And you mentioned something about throwing I know this is not a conversation about throwing, but remember, by doing all of these things that I’m mentioning, we’re not allowing your son to be permissive about the throwing, right?

 

00;18;04;21 – 00;18;23;05

Dr. Mona

We are allowing him to feel frustrated. And of course, if he throws, we’re going to say, hey, sweetie, it’s okay that you’re frustrated, but we can’t throw the toy. If you throw the toy again, I have to take the toy away, right? So that is how we make them understand that I’m okay, that you’re frustrated, but I’m not okay with you hitting me, throwing the toy.

 

00;18;23;09 – 00;18;41;07

Dr. Mona

And then if they do throw it again, like if he does, then you have to follow through very calmly and say, it’s okay, you’re frustrated, but you threw the toy again, so mommy has to take it. We can try again later. And then you just say that and the repetition is what’s really going to get into his head of okay, so mommy says it’s okay that I’m frustrated.

 

00;18;41;10 – 00;19;00;22

Dr. Mona

She’s trying to help me, I can’t throw. She took the toy away because I threw it. Maybe I should start throwing toys. And it’s the repetition that you’re going to see that I think is going to help. I know it’s not a conversation about the throwing, but I did want to throw that in there, because that’s part of the frustration piece, is that when they don’t know how to process that feeling, they’re going to throw, they’re going to hit.

 

00;19;00;29 – 00;19;10;22

Dr. Mona

Some kids don’t, but some kids do. And it’s a very primitive sort of toddler reaction to feeling upset or frustrated. And that is how we’re going to calmly approach it.

 

00;19;10;24 – 00;19;22;11

Chelsea

Yeah, that was a question I had to is just, you know, because I do that normally. But then, you know, I just was wondering if I should also address it in that moment or focus more on, like the frustration part of it. But.

 

00;19;22;26 – 00;19;44;21

Dr. Mona

Yeah, this is great. And I think we have to always remember that those behaviors are always important to remedy, in my opinion. Meaning throwing behaviors, hitting behaviors, spitting, like anything that’s, deemed as physically kind of aggressive, if you will. Remember, hitting as an entity, you can hit a ball, you can hit certain things, but throwing a toy, you can’t throw a toy, right?

 

00;19;44;21 – 00;20;00;28

Dr. Mona

Like we were not supposed to throw toys. So I do believe that you can do both, right? And I get that sometimes we want to focus on that piece, but you can do both and okay at the feeling and say, hey, it’s okay that you’re feeling upset. But then we also want to in that moment with that repetition because that is connected, right?

 

00;20;00;28 – 00;20;19;23

Dr. Mona

He was frustrated and he threw. So it’s okay babe. You can be frustrated. And I see that you’re upset. But we don’t throw. And then we want to really really yeah I would absolutely manage that as well. And it becomes in a way becomes autopilot when you do it enough. When you get into this mode of, okay, you’re upset, I see that you’re upset, but we don’t throw.

 

00;20;19;24 – 00;20;36;21

Dr. Mona

If you throw, I take it away and you follow through. When you do that so much, they start doing it less because they realize that, okay, this is not how we run things here. I’m not supposed to throw, but it also just becomes so much more just your routine of, okay, here’s what we’re going to do. And so I think it is a useful thing to do in any situation.

 

00;20;36;24 – 00;20;38;28

Dr. Mona

Setting those boundaries is very healthy.

 

00;20;39;00 – 00;20;41;12

Chelsea

Awesome. Yes. Yeah. And your comment.

 

00;20;41;15 – 00;20;55;27

Dr. Mona

Any other follow up question or anything like that? I know I kind of gave you a lot of information with this, example, amazing example that you gave with the Jeep cover, and I’m putting myself in that room with you and how I know how a toddler gets, you know, their and you see their little brain working.

 

00;20;55;27 – 00;21;16;08

Dr. Mona

You know, they’re trying to figure it out and they want to they really wants you. And so I always like to say in a very positive way, you know, I talk about children so uplifting on my podcast because I want us to understand that they are very fascinating and smart, that he really wants to learn how to play with that toy and put that Jeep cover on, like that’s something that’s really important to him.

 

00;21;16;13 – 00;21;36;24

Dr. Mona

And so maybe because you know that that is a frustration piece for him, giving an example, really working with him. You partner any other caregiver on figuring out how to practice putting that cover back on and off, similar to my example with puzzles. Ryan really liked them, but would get so frustrated. So we did spend time when it was one on one time to work on puzzles together, right?

 

00;21;36;24 – 00;21;53;20

Dr. Mona

So that he could learn from me the skills. And then when he got the skills, he didn’t need me anymore. Now he doesn’t need me. At some point, he won’t need you to help you put the cheap cover on, but he will always need you for other things, right? Like you’re his parent and they’ll always need you for other frustrating things or when they’re sad.

 

00;21;53;20 – 00;22;03;18

Dr. Mona

And this is kind of the way of creating that sort of loving autonomy. But I still need my parents sort of relationship that I really love as, you know, parenting when I discuss parenting topics.

 

00;22;03;21 – 00;22;12;09

Chelsea

Yeah. Oh, definitely. Yeah. And, I mean, I spoke to my mom, even just before she was like, you know, you still need you still need parenting. Oh.

 

00;22;12;11 – 00;22;31;20

Dr. Mona

Yes. And so I really hope that you can use some of these tips. For the next time it happens. But also remember, these are tips that aren’t even just for that one example you gave. This is going to be useful for any frustration piece, right? I like that you gave the example of doing an activity because that is something like I said, that’s a teaching point.

 

00;22;31;20 – 00;22;49;00

Dr. Mona

Like when they’re frustrated, giving them some space to figure it out if they can’t, asking them if they need help intervening. But first before we physically intervene, see if you can verbally intervene. Like let me walk you through it, okay. You move that here. Great. And then if they still can’t figure it out. And that is an art of knowing your child.

 

00;22;49;00 – 00;23;06;29

Dr. Mona

Two of how much time you want to give. But I would try to really maximize the time in those phases as much as possible. Your child, if they’re getting very frustrated, always ask, do you need me to help you? How do you want me to help you? Right? And that’s kind of how you can gauge their what they need, but always give them their autonomy first.

 

00;23;06;29 – 00;23;29;16

Dr. Mona

But you’re going to find that this is going to be really useful for this situation. Like I gave you the example, the puzzles, anything that they’re trying to figure out, they want to learn how to play soccer when they’re older and trying to control the ball like it’s all going to be things that are going to become very useful and kind of always remember that sort of autonomy intervention thing that I said, that you’re just giving them some space first and then you’re intervening if they need it.

 

00;23;29;28 – 00;23;34;11

Dr. Mona

Because that’s really going to be a model that helps you throughout their years as they grow up as a kid.

 

00;23;34;13 – 00;23;35;19

Chelsea

Awesome. Thank you.

 

00;23;35;22 – 00;23;43;17

Dr. Mona

Yeah. Chelsea, thank you so much for joining me. I can’t wait to touch base with you to see how he’s doing with that Jeep cover. And if you also figured out how to get it back on.

 

00;23;43;19 – 00;23;45;12

Chelsea

Yeah, exactly.

 

00;23;45;14 – 00;23;48;09

Dr. Mona

Thank you so much for joining me today.

 

00;23;48;11 – 00;23;52;17

Chelsea

Thank you for having me.

 

00;23;52;19 – 00;24;26;07

Dr. Mona

I love talking about children’s emotions frustration, happiness, joy, sadness, anger because they’re all human emotions that we experience. And for children, we’re teaching them how to channel these emotions. What does frustration mean and how do we process it? And I like that we talked about an example when the child is frustrated trying to accomplish a task. I gave the example of Ryan and puzzles because we experienced the exact same thing there, and with many other scenarios of him trying to figure something out and managing frustration requires a lot of patience from us.

 

00;24;26;10 – 00;24;45;01

Dr. Mona

As I wrap up this episode, I want to bring it home with three principles. And remember, these principles are parenting principles that apply to many different situations. But I want to remind you how it applies to managing frustration. When your child is trying to figure out a new task. Number one, like I mentioned, is modeling the behavior that you want.

 

00;24;45;08 – 00;25;04;23

Dr. Mona

Not only is this in the moment, how are you going to model your feelings, but in your day to day life, if you tend to be a more frustrated person in that you physically or verbally act on your frustration, we’re human. That’s okay. But I want to really have you have some insight into how you can maybe change this.

 

00;25;04;29 – 00;25;27;13

Dr. Mona

What do you need to do to manage your frustration a little bit better, so that you can show your child healthy coping skills? Slamming doors, stomping feet, cursing, yelling? All of that is human nature, but we really want to watch that in front of our children to the best of our human ability. Because by doing so, we’re showing them how we manage our emotions as well.

 

00;25;27;20 – 00;25;47;16

Dr. Mona

The second thing is verbalizing and empathizing. Remember, verbalizing is just so useful in so many ways and in frustration management and tolerance verbalizing can also teach them. Like I mentioned, when you are allowing the child to do the activity first, you are giving them a moment and then if they need you, you’re going to walk them through it.

 

00;25;47;22 – 00;26;05;17

Dr. Mona

If they’re still frustrated, then you can put your hands on the item and show them. The younger your child is, or depending on the activity, you may need to show them so don’t just let them try to figure it out. Without your guidance, you have to kind of be there to make sure that you can teach them. You can’t expect a one year old to know how to do a puzzle.

 

00;26;05;20 – 00;26;22;19

Dr. Mona

You can’t expect a three year old to know how to put a lid back on a truck if they’ve never done it before, so we have to be there to guide them. Verbalizing can help in managing the emotion, normalizing the emotion, and helping them know that it’s okay. Listen to my other Monday morning episode about verbalization from last week.

 

00;26;22;26 – 00;26;40;24

Dr. Mona

But also, like I said, it can help teach them. So don’t be shy to verbalize and empathize with your child. And remember what I also said to Chelsea. We’re not okay with the behavior of throwing. We’re okay with the feeling of frustration so that they can understand that they’re frustrated with time and that they can learn the healthy coping skills to get through it.

 

00;26;40;26 – 00;26;59;10

Dr. Mona

Taking a breath, working through it, and figuring out the task at hand. And then the last thing like I mentioned, this is my autonomy and intervention model. This is what I talk about in so many different things. But autonomy and then intervention means we are allowing our child to show us what they can do before we intervene as a loving parent that we are.

 

00;26;59;13 – 00;27;17;06

Dr. Mona

And for a younger child, or depending on the task, that autonomy may not be possible. You may not see a child at this age be able to figure it out, and that’s okay. But we want to pause and allow them to show us what they can do, see what they can process, what their cognitive skills are capable of doing, and then we can intervene.

 

00;27;17;08 – 00;27;38;09

Dr. Mona

Not only is this useful for us to show them, hey, I trust you. I want you to figure this out first. And if you can’t, I’m obviously going to be there for you. But it also allows for that pause, that momentary pause that allows us to see what they can do, take a breath, and helps us manage frustration or big emotions in the moment as well.

 

00;27;38;13 – 00;28;07;09

Dr. Mona

I hope this podcast was helpful. Like I said, this is the last Monday morning episode for 2022. If you’re listening to it live. If you’re listening to it in 2023, welcome to the podcast. Thank you for joining me. And as always, make sure you leave a review. I cannot stress this enough. This is how the podcast is going to become even bigger in 2023, and also share it on social media and join my email list so you can stay up to date on all the amazing things I have planned for PedsDocTalk in 2023 and beyond.