Screens have a place in our lives, but it is important to set boundaries with them and be consistent with those boundaries. But what happens when your child is having tantrum after tantrum with wanting to watch the screen?

I invited a mom from The PDT community to chat about screen-time related tantrums. We discuss:

• How to give some power and autonomy during boundary setting
• Why children and parents fall into these power struggles
• How to hold your screen-time boundaries

00;00;00;00 – 00;00;27;09

Dr. Mona

The rule with setting boundaries as apparent is we have to set them and the child has a choice to follow them, but we can’t let them sway our boundary setting the moment we start doing that. That is how tantrum cycles will continue, because she will continue understanding cause and effect. Like I mentioned earlier, that my cries, my whines, my, you know, verbalization and being upset is going to sway my parent.

 

00;00;27;09 – 00;00;33;13

Dr. Mona

And that’s just going to be the cycle that I think you’re kind of getting yourself into that I know you can break.

 

00;00;33;16 – 00;00;57;07

Dr. Mona

Hello and welcome back to the show. I am Doctor Mona and I am so grateful, wherever you are tuning in from. It is so nice to know that this podcast is reaching so many people around the world, and we are growing together as parents and as individuals, and that is the goal of this podcast. So thank you for your reviews, your shares on social media, sharing it with your loved ones, family members.

 

00;00;57;07 – 00;01;22;29

Dr. Mona

I really appreciate it. On this episode I am speaking with Renuka. She is a mother of a toddler and they’re struggling with screen time boundaries. You’re going to hear me talk about setting boundaries in any situation. This is going to be something that applies not only to screen time, but also how to wean a child off of it, how to give them some sense of control when they are used to getting more screen time when they normally do.

 

00;01;23;01 – 00;01;27;02

Dr. Mona

Let’s listen in.

 

00;01;27;04 – 00;01;34;00

Dr. Mona

Hey Renuka, thank you so much for joining me on the podcast. So tell me what is on your mind today as a mom?

 

00;01;34;03 – 00;01;53;29

Mom

Hey. Hi, Mona. Thank you for having me. I’m really glad that we were able to get some time to talk about, my daughter’s screen time and her tantrums. So just to give you a little. But, story behind it, as I usually used to have unlimited screen time for my daughter. Maximum, like half an hour to 45 minutes.

 

00;01;53;29 – 00;02;12;24

Mom

Not more than that. Last year she had seizures, and after that, the things got a little complicated. Where? What are you stopping? Is if she used to cry a lot. She used to get fever, and she was crying because she wanted to watch TV. And I was not able to control her emotions, because if she’s crying and we.

 

00;02;12;25 – 00;02;32;09

Mom

I tried one day, like, I was like, let her cry, and I’ll try to calm her down. But she was not coming down. And almost after like 30, 35 minutes when she was not like, stop crying. And she wanted to watch TV and her temperature went 202. And that time it gave me like I was in a panic mode, that what if the seizure triggers again?

 

00;02;32;12 – 00;02;50;01

Mom

And that’s when the whole thing started and I started giving her like the screen times, like, okay, watching, I don’t want to cry. That I tried like, doing a lot of things, like distracting her, talking to her. Like if she’s saying, you know what, I want to watch TV, mama. But I’m saying, why don’t we go out?

 

00;02;50;01 – 00;03;09;15

Mom

Why don’t we do this and that? But I think she has got that. Know that when I’m going to cry, mommy’s going to give me this is like, And that’s where. And, you know, with those seizures, I don’t want that to happen again. So she knows that. No now and she just press it right there and then all day she goes and she gets up every time.

 

00;03;09;17 – 00;03;13;28

Dr. Mona

Well, I think their conversation is over because you know exactly what the root issue is.

 

00;03;14;01 – 00;03;14;16

Mom

Yeah.

 

00;03;14;19 – 00;03;42;08

Dr. Mona

So like I’m being like, you know it. And sometimes you need to hear it from someone else. But children, I want to use the right word edge here, that sometimes people will say that they’re manipulating us or no, I don’t like that terminology because it makes it sound like they’re these awful. That’s something that they’re not ever manipulating, but they are very good at cause and effect and understanding what their words and their actions and their cries can get out of us.

 

00;03;42;08 – 00;04;02;02

Dr. Mona

So we have to first respect the fact that it is okay that she’s unhappy, right? Because we have to disassociate. The emotion is different than the behavior, right? So being upset is okay. We can be upset. Life is not always going to be how we want it. You’re not always going to get what you want. It’s okay to be upset using your example with your daughter.

 

00;04;02;02 – 00;04;30;12

Dr. Mona

You know, she’s two and a half, like you said, that she’s upset because she’s not getting the screen, or she’s upset because she wants to watch the screen. Or you took away the screen. Okay. So there’s many different reasons why she’s upset, but the role of the parent and I hope all caregivers, especially being on a united front, is very important for us to accept the emotion but also be very clear on holding the boundary, regardless of what those emotions are doing in that child.

 

00;04;30;12 – 00;04;54;29

Dr. Mona

So if our child is upset and crying and we say, okay, fine, take this, then they realize absolutely cause and effect if I cry, oh, I cried and my mom gave me the iPad. Easy. I’ll just continue to cry. I use the example of my son with my mother in law right now. At the time of this recording, my mother in law is very, very lenient on giving sweets.

 

00;04;55;05 – 00;05;17;00

Dr. Mona

Okay, we as a family give a lot of sweets. We do. We offer it as part of our life. There’s no like bad and good. It’s okay. You can have we have cookies, but we decide when he gets that meaning at a meal or a snack time. What we don’t want to ever allow is that child crying, and then we get and cave into what that child wanted from the crying.

 

00;05;17;02 – 00;05;40;00

Dr. Mona

It’s very important because they will get that understanding that, oh, okay, so last time mommy said no screen time. But then I started to cry and she gave me the screen time. Okay, so I’ll just keep doing that because every time I cry, I get what I want. So what we have to teach her and this is doable, and it also comes from you to understand that you have to be okay with the feeling of her being upset.

 

00;05;40;06 – 00;06;04;10

Dr. Mona

But you, before you enter a situation, you have to tell yourself what is the rule here? What is the boundary that I want to create and then you have to hold firm to the boundary. Let’s use an example. So let’s just say you want her to have screen time. You are doing something and it’s screen time right? Like it’s just say when she was upset or sick, and I want to reiterate that she probably was going to get the seizure, not from the tantrum, but because of the fever.

 

00;06;04;14 – 00;06;20;22

Dr. Mona

Right. She’s sick. So being upset is not going to cause her to have the seizure. You know, there are some children who get upset and bang their head. There are those things. But we have to understand that. What is the boundary I’m trying to create here? So I am okay with my daughter watching an hour of screen time right now.

 

00;06;20;25 – 00;06;42;00

Dr. Mona

An option here, which I really like for two and a half year old or any younger toddler like 2 to 4 years old is putting on a timer. So you’ve heard about the timer trick, which is something where you basically put on a timer. And this has been in parenting for like years. We talk about the timer, but this can be something that she sets herself, whether it’s a visual timer that you buy off the internet.

 

00;06;42;00 – 00;07;02;06

Dr. Mona

I have one that I really love from the love Every Play. Kit’s not sponsored, but I love them. Or buy it on like, you know, Amazon or Walmart or Target or put on your phone and let her set the timer like the countdown clock, right? Like put it for whatever. If it’s 30 minutes, 20 minutes, you have to decide before the screen is offered, how much are we going to do it?

 

00;07;02;13 – 00;07;26;02

Dr. Mona

And in your head, as a parent, you have to be very calm and consistent with the boundaries. So the 20 minutes are up and she starts screaming and crying because she wants more. You cannot let that screaming and crying have her get more screen time, because that reinforces to her that I will cry and I will just get more of what I want, whether it’s screens, whether it’s a cookie, whatever it is.

 

00;07;26;02 – 00;07;43;10

Dr. Mona

Okay. Yeah. But if you after the 20 minutes you saw her watching and she’s happily watching and the 20 minutes are done and you decide as a parent, you know what? Let’s do another 20 minutes or 30 minutes. Like you can tell her, hey, you know what, sweetie? Let’s watch another 20 minutes. Do you want to watch another episode?

 

00;07;43;13 – 00;08;02;12

Dr. Mona

The difference here is that you did not change your boundary based on what she is doing with her cries and her whining and her tears. That is the difference. So sometimes you’re going to surprise her and give her more than she actually wants. Sometimes you may have these rules and you may decide, you know, what’s the weekend? Let’s give her more than what I normally do.

 

00;08;02;15 – 00;08;24;26

Dr. Mona

Yeah, but the first step is being very consistent with your boundary. And that, I mean, deciding what your boundary is, deciding what that is, and understanding that we are going to calmly follow through. And so when you get to that phase of calmly following through, let’s just say you have the situation where 20 minutes have gone by, the timer goes off, or you don’t even do time, or we sometimes don’t even do timers.

 

00;08;24;26 – 00;08;43;04

Dr. Mona

We did it for a little bit, and then we stopped because he didn’t really need it. But we tell Ryan, we tell him the expectation, like, okay, Ryan, we’re about to watch TV. And when mommy says we’re done, we’re going to stop. And there’s no question mark, right? We don’t say, okay, we’re going to be done, okay. You just say it as fact, okay, we’re going to watch TV.

 

00;08;43;09 – 00;09;02;24

Dr. Mona

You can watch some TV. And then when mommy says it’s done, it’s done right and that’s it. There’s no. Are you sure? Do you want to watch another episode? Is it okay if mommy tells you that we’re done? You got to be very consistent with that boundary and deciding what it is following through. But definitely speak as fact rather than asking a question.

 

00;09;02;24 – 00;09;10;00

Dr. Mona

Those are going to be so important for you. And then have you tried doing any of those strategies yet?

 

00;09;10;18 – 00;09;26;15

Mom

Yes. So I have tried doing it in the sense like I’ve tried putting some time. I was like, hey, you know what? We’re going to do 20 minutes of the TV today. And after that we’ll play in your playroom and whatnot. And then her crying. It started off like 20 minutes, but when I’m switching off the TV.

 

00;09;26;15 – 00;09;46;01

Mom

But then when your in-laws are here. Yes. I mean, am I even with my husband sometimes, like, oh, she’s crying. Just leave. I do not put so many boundaries. Let us watch the TV and she gets away with it. You know what? My wife and I put some boundaries. But if your in-laws are here, even with my husband, sometimes, like, no, no, no, I can see her crying later, watch the TV.

 

00;09;46;01 – 00;09;49;06

Mom

So that way the thing doesn’t work out most of the time.

 

00;09;49;09 – 00;10;07;14

Dr. Mona

Well, that has to be an understanding of a united front. Have them listen to this episode or talk with them because it’s okay. Again, if you all decided that that’s what’s going to be, but you’re going to get into that vicious cycle of the crying, the whining, all of that is getting her to understand that if I just keep doing this, I’m going to get this.

 

00;10;07;14 – 00;10;26;06

Dr. Mona

Now, I don’t mind if a child cries and they want to hug, right? I don’t mind if they want connection with the caregiver, but when it’s for an item, whether it’s a screen or some sort of snack, we have to set some understanding here. Another option that you can do, which I’ve done as well. And again, I like to give options so that you can navigate the situation.

 

00;10;26;10 – 00;10;40;29

Dr. Mona

So let’s talk about two situations. One is at the boundary set. And we’ve just watched a lot of screen time. Let’s just say you’re approaching an hour or two hours at a session. That’s a lot right. Like they don’t need to be watching for that many hours in a sitting. So I would say that no, it is a clear boundary that needs to be set.

 

00;10;41;06 – 00;11;03;10

Dr. Mona

If you have other caregivers that are against your belief, you have to calmly believe that you trust this boundary and you know this boundary to be healthy. And you can say, okay, time to turn it off, give her a little bit of control and have her press the button. We started doing this with Ryan very young. When we start first red screen time, when the timer went off, I didn’t turn off the TV.

 

00;11;03;14 – 00;11;19;15

Dr. Mona

Ryan turned off the TV. What? This does it gives them some control and you would just hold the remote to her and say, hey sweetie, the timer went off. It’s time to turn off the TV. This doesn’t mean she’s going to stop crying. This means that she is also now in control of the boundary as well. That she heard the boundary.

 

00;11;19;21 – 00;11;36;27

Dr. Mona

You’re giving her the button to turn off the TV and then you’re going to move. Sometimes this means she’s going to still cry. What I would recommend is if you’re hearing all that noise like, oh, come on, don’t be so harsh. You are not being harsh. You are setting a very healthy boundary that your child does not need to be watching a screen for two hours.

 

00;11;36;27 – 00;11;56;21

Dr. Mona

If you don’t want that to be happening, you may need to be the one to take her outside for a walk. Go upstairs with her. If you have a room upstairs where there’s toys, you want to remove yourself from the energy that is not serving the boundary. And I say this because when in-laws are there, when there’s someone who’s not on the same page, you’re going to need to regroup there.

 

00;11;56;21 – 00;12;17;22

Dr. Mona

Your daughter is going to stop having the tantrum. I know she is. But when everyone’s getting upset and be like, oh come on. Yes. Keep it on. Why are you crying? Did it hurt? That is not de-escalating anything. And she’s just going to continue to get riled up and the energy level is going to continue to rise, or she’s going to continue to feel dysregulated and oh, yes, like there’s a divided frontier.

 

00;12;17;24 – 00;12;32;24

Dr. Mona

My caregivers are not on the same page here. So when you make the decision, ideally I would want all the caregivers to be on the same page and decide that this is what we’re going to do and this is how we’re going to approach it. But if not, then we say, okay, we’re turning it off. She turned it off.

 

00;12;33;00 – 00;12;50;26

Dr. Mona

She’s okay, I have her. We’re going to go outside for a little while, get into nature, because nature has a way of resetting our brains when we’re dysregulated. If the weather doesn’t allow that, go into a different room. But I want you to calmly and not raise your voice to anybody in that room. Say, I got this. We’re going to be okay.

 

00;12;51;00 – 00;13;11;22

Dr. Mona

She’ll be fine. She watched a lot of TV today. I’m happy that she got to watch TV. Like you’re not vilifying TV. You’re not vilifying the screens. You’re just saying it’s done. She did so much today. We’re going to do something else. Now, the other thing I was going to mention is that if you are in the moment where they want more screen, right, your daughter wants more screens and everyone’s saying, let’s give her more screens.

 

00;13;11;24 – 00;13;32;11

Dr. Mona

I sometimes practice something where I regulate Ryan when he’s asking for something. For example, I’m using a cookie as an example. My mother in law is like pounding him with cookies right now, okay? And I don’t like it because she does it when he whines and cries. And I don’t mind him having cookies, but I don’t want it to reinforce the whining or crying behavior to get what you want.

 

00;13;32;11 – 00;13;45;22

Dr. Mona

So what I sometimes say is, hey, Ryan, I see that you really want a cookie right now, so let’s use your screen time example. Okay, I see that you really want a cookie right now. And she’s crying and whining and she knows words like she has language, right?

 

00;13;45;24 – 00;13;46;02

Mom

Yeah.

 

00;13;46;09 – 00;14;04;00

Dr. Mona

Yes, but she’s not saying anything because she’s whining and crying. Right. You can say, I see that you really want something right now. Can you tell me in a different way, what do you want? Right. You’re telling her and she’s going to cry. Cry. But you are calmly asking, what is it that you want, mommy? I love screens like she may say that.

 

00;14;04;03 – 00;14;19;17

Dr. Mona

Oh, you want to watch more screen time? Well, right now we can’t watch screens. But I see that if you really want to watch it. But tomorrow. Do you want to watch, What do you want to watch? But you have to follow through. If you’re going to promise or something tomorrow. Right. You have to follow through if you’re going to follow later.

 

00;14;19;22 – 00;14;38;04

Dr. Mona

But I want you to recognize the feeling and talk with her. Now, if you get to a point where you’re like, I kind of want I’m okay with her having more screen time, but I don’t want her to whine to get it. Sometimes I want you to get her to a point and you can talking with her and saying, you know, hey, sweetie, do you want to watch more screen time?

 

00;14;38;04 – 00;14;58;11

Dr. Mona

I see that you really do. Is there a different way that you can ask for more? And she may say, mommy, yes, I want screen or she’ll calm herself down. Then if she’s calmed herself down and she’s not dysregulated yelling, crying, but she’s breathing and she’s calm and you say, what is it that you want, mommy? I want screen.

 

00;14;58;11 – 00;15;20;18

Dr. Mona

And if you are okay with adding more screen time, then I’m okay with that. But what we don’t want to do is offer more of the thing that we’re trying to set a boundary with in the middle of dysregulation and crying, because I’m telling you, and that’s probably why you’re dealing. And I know you mentioned that you were dealing with the moment she wakes up and all of this like she’s just crying and upset.

 

00;15;20;20 – 00;15;42;15

Dr. Mona

It’s because we are not allowing her to respect the boundary because the United front isn’t there. But also, she has now realized that, oh well, last time my mom or my dad, they didn’t mean business. They were okay with me doing, whatever I wanted when I cried. And so she has to understand that no, it’s done means it’s done.

 

00;15;42;15 – 00;15;59;24

Dr. Mona

That doesn’t mean that she can’t have it later. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love her. It just means that I said it’s over. And you watched it. And I think that’s wonderful that you watched it. But we can try again at a different time, maybe in the afternoon or maybe the next day when it’s screen time that you are deciding is ready to happen.

 

00;15;59;24 – 00;16;27;05

Dr. Mona

The rule was setting boundaries as a parent is we have to set them and the child has a choice to follow them, but we can’t let them sway our boundary setting. The moment we start doing that. That is how tantrum cycles will continue, because she will continue understanding cause and effect. Like I mentioned earlier, that my cries, my whines, my, you know, verbalization and being upset is going to sway my parent.

 

00;16;27;05 – 00;16;31;18

Dr. Mona

And that’s just going to be that cycle that I think you’re kind of getting yourself into that I know you can break.

 

00;16;31;20 – 00;16;47;16

Mom

Yeah, know that sounds really good. I think I like the idea about like giving her that kind of a freedom of turning off the TV. Yes. Maybe that give her some sense of, like, comfort. You know what? Mom is allowing me to do that. Yes. So definitely I’m going to try that. I’ve tried doing it. Like, for example, she knows it.

 

00;16;47;16 – 00;17;05;05

Mom

Like when I’m asking her, hey, you know what? Don’t let’s do something else. It’s we have to say bye to TV and then she’ll start crying. And then she knows mama is not in a good mood. Mama, I want to hug. And then. Okay, she’ll hug me, she’ll calm down and then. And I’ll ask her. Okay, so how do you think you want to?

 

00;17;05;05 – 00;17;26;26

Mom

What do you think? Do you want to play in another room? Do you want to go out? No, I want to watch TV. And then when I’m trying to distract it again, she would start crying again with her lungs out and whatnot, and that whole cycle would come again. She’ll do the hug again. Which again. Okay, so I struggle there a lot, but I think what you mentioned right now, I think I’m want to try that.

 

00;17;26;26 – 00;17;32;00

Mom

And maybe when she’s calmed down, it’s like, let’s go out right now and do something different to her.

 

00;17;32;02 – 00;17;56;09

Dr. Mona

If I’m going to be very honest with you, I think what’s happening in your situation, I think we have to be really, really good about having it as part of your routine. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s very important, but I really want us to try the strategy of when it’s over, it’s over. There’s no you know how I mentioned the strategy of like, if you calm down, that is for a child that you’re able to regulate and really, you know, get to little screen time.

 

00;17;56;09 – 00;18;15;17

Dr. Mona

But if she is doing that cycle a lot with you, I would say like just say you watch. I like give an example. Just say you watch at 2 p.m. or like 3 p.m. after nap time, okay, that is the screen time that she gets. And I would not allow it back unless you have started to see that she can regulate herself and stop asking for it every moment, right?

 

00;18;15;17 – 00;18;35;10

Dr. Mona

Like if she continues, she’s asking for it because she knows that she’s going to get it. Plain and simple now. Yes, absolutely. Like she knows that this is going to be if I just keep asking for it, I get it. And I get from a parent perspective, when our child wants something, I get why you’re, you know, the in-laws and your husband was like, oh, just give it to her.

 

00;18;35;10 – 00;18;57;01

Dr. Mona

But they can get other things from us. Like I said, affection, love, going outside, getting there, you know, running around, playing with the toys that is healthy for them as well, you know, and I’m happy that you’re going to employ the giving her control other ways that you can give control, because I want to kind of go back to this whole why children get upset when they are told what to do.

 

00;18;57;03 – 00;19;15;01

Dr. Mona

They like to have control. They like to have autonomy. They like to be able to say that I chose this and this is what I’m doing and whatever. But at the end of the day, we have to make the rules for our children because that’s how they understand boundaries. And so having her press the remote, is one thing, having her pick the show.

 

00;19;15;01 – 00;19;32;15

Dr. Mona

I know this sounds like really, you know, so. But hey, okay, we’re going to watch screen time. Which one do you want to watch? Do you want to watch Blue? Do you want to watch Thomas the Train? Do you want to watch Blippi? What I’m doing there is I’m giving. You’re giving some control to the show, right? That it’s not like what mommy chose gets to be the one.

 

00;19;32;20 – 00;19;51;17

Dr. Mona

So give her and build it up. Like, okay, we’re going to watch. Which show do we want to watch today? And then she decides, ooh, ooh I want to choose this one. Oh great choice sweetie. You picked a really good choice. So now you’re drilling into her brain that okay. She has control in some degree in this situation that she feels like she’s not in control, right?

 

00;19;51;22 – 00;20;11;21

Dr. Mona

She has control over what she’s watching. Obviously, you decide between 2 or 3 choices, right? Don’t let her pick some random show. And then the turning on and turning off of the remote. Obviously, you may have to go to get to where you need to go on the television, but I you are going to allow her to have power in a situation where you are truly in power.

 

00;20;11;27 – 00;20;35;05

Dr. Mona

And I feel like that’s one strategy in parenting that is not talked about enough. In that within boundary setting, we can still give our children power and choice that makes them feel like they are in control, when in actuality, we are the ones who are in control. But it’s just a it’s a developmental strategy. It’s a parenting strategy that makes them feel like an equal when they are actually being set with a boundary.

 

00;20;35;05 – 00;20;37;19

Dr. Mona

And that’s how you’re going to maybe see some changes.

 

00;20;37;28 – 00;20;54;11

Mom

So on that point, I would like to say one thing. So I tried doing it. But what has happened now is because I’ve asked multiple times, oh, you know what? What do you want to watch? As you said. And now. But what she does is, for example, I’m telling her you will be watching screen for half an hour and half an hour.

 

00;20;54;11 – 00;21;03;19

Mom

She come up to me like 20 times. Format change this mama can. Okay. Can you turn on Bleep mama? Can you change the decision rate.

 

00;21;03;25 – 00;21;22;04

Dr. Mona

Yeah. So here is where you have to also understand that this is a whole different parenting conversation. But she made a choice. Toddlers are going to want to change their choice. Mommy I want blue cup no red cup no blue no I want this purple. You have to say to her the script here is to her. You chose to watch Blippi.

 

00;21;22;08 – 00;21;39;27

Dr. Mona

That’s what we’re going to watch. And you pause. Remember you don’t have to fill the space. You have to talk in small phrases. That’s what we’re watching. Mommy. No I want to watch Bluey or she wants to switch. Right. And again your tone matters just as much as what you’re saying to her. You made a choice, and that was a great choice.

 

00;21;39;29 – 00;22;00;22

Dr. Mona

We either keep this on or we turn it off. Which one do you want to do? Okay, I see that you don’t want to watch it. Is that what your answer is? Bluey? Bluey, repeat your boundary. We either keep this on or we turn it off. Because, remember, now you’re giving them the new choice because you’re not going to switch it, because that’s another issue.

 

00;22;00;22 – 00;22;15;17

Dr. Mona

Then, right? Then you’re dealing with the constant switching. I’ve been there. You do not want to get into these power struggle. Same thing with meals, right? Like if a child says you give them two options and then they’re like, just give an example of like chicken nuggets and pasta, okay? And then you give them chicken nuggets and then they’re like, oh no pasta.

 

00;22;15;23 – 00;22;37;26

Dr. Mona

So we decided on chicken nuggets. We can have pasta tomorrow or we can have pasta later. But right now we’re having the chicken nuggets. And that is a great choice that you made. Similar to the screen decision using Blippi and Bluey as an example. Okay. Two popular shows for toddlers. Sweetie, you chose Blippi. That’s what we’re watching. We can maybe watch Bluey another time, but right now we’re watching Blippi, so if she screams and cries, remember?

 

00;22;37;26 – 00;22;58;11

Dr. Mona

Then we say, well, the two options are sweetie, that we can watch or we turn it off. Which one? She continues to cry. Okay. I see that you don’t want to watch it, so we’re going to turn it off, see, like, you have to make that choice regardless of what she’s letting you do. Now, if you go and start switching the channels, she’s going to keep bothering you and saying, hey, switch this, switch this.

 

00;22;58;11 – 00;23;24;14

Dr. Mona

So you have to verbalize the new boundaries. Because boundary setting as a parent is constant, you have a boundary in your head throughout your entire day. There going to be choices and decisions and things that are happening that now this is the new boundary that we are watching a screen. Now the question is, what are we watching? But you’re not going to play that game, because that goes back to what I was saying, that now she is in control over the decision making in between once a decision and boundary has been made.

 

00;23;24;17 – 00;23;40;27

Dr. Mona

So your boundary has been made. We are watching screen and we’re watching Blippi. That’s it. Now if there’s any switch to that, it’s empathizing and understanding and saying so here I see that you want to watch Bluey, but you chose Blippi and that is a great choice for you. And we’re going to watch this or we turn it off.

 

00;23;40;28 – 00;23;58;14

Dr. Mona

Which one do you want to do. And you have to sit with her and be okay with her being upset. The hardest thing that we can do is being okay with the child, being upset when you’re setting a boundary, but remember, they don’t have to like the boundary, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t love you, right? They just don’t like being told what to do.

 

00;23;58;20 – 00;24;18;13

Dr. Mona

But you gave her the choice you made firm the boundary, and now it’s your job to hold with it and understand that in parenting, constant boundary setting is going to be the name of the game, right? Like with sleep, with this, with eating, like literally throughout my day with my toddler, I can give 50 instances where I’ve had to set a boundary or he slipped his mind.

 

00;24;18;17 – 00;24;38;09

Dr. Mona

I don’t want to wear the shark shoes. I want to wear these shoes calmly say, well, you made a choice of wearing the shark shoes. So that’s what we’re going to wear today. Maybe tomorrow we can make a different choice and that’s it. Like, there’s no production. There’s no. Okay, Ryan, like wear this. But our reaction and tone matters so much more than what we actually say, right?

 

00;24;38;09 – 00;24;54;24

Dr. Mona

So if I say no, say, come on, we’re not watching this. We’re not doing this. This is not happening. Versus. No, sweetie, we’re not watching this. It’s not happening. It’s this is what we’re watching. Like the difference there is. You didn’t join her dysregulation, right? You have to stay very even keel that I get that you’re upset. I do.

 

00;24;54;24 – 00;25;10;25

Dr. Mona

I understand that you’re upset and that you want to watch another show, or that you want to watch more of a show, but that’s not what we’re doing right now. And pause. Like, stay there with that statement. Right? She’s going to cry in your face when that happens. And I’ve been there. You’re going to she’s going to cry and she’s going to be like, mommy, please.

 

00;25;10;25 – 00;25;27;02

Dr. Mona

And you’ll be like. And then that’s when you get into your tantrum management mode where you’re like, I see that you’re upset. You made a choice to say, now the TV’s off. I’m here if you need me. Do you want a hug? Remember, the hug is not for her to get more screen time at this point. The hug is for regulation purpose for the tantrum.

 

00;25;27;08 – 00;25;43;24

Dr. Mona

We don’t hug to get screen time. We don’t hug to get that we hug because we feel vulnerable and we want to hug. So she shouldn’t be using hugs and kisses and all of that to get screens and to get cookies. And I’m very clear on that. Like hugs are because you want a hug. That’s it. It’s a hug.

 

00;25;43;24 – 00;26;01;21

Dr. Mona

It’s not to get something out of someone. We’re not using our body and using affection to get someone to do something for us. Hugs are just a way of feeling good about ourselves because it’s comforting, right? So that is another key that you just mentioned that I love that she wants to hug you and say back to her, oh, so here.

 

00;26;01;21 – 00;26;19;09

Dr. Mona

I love when you give me hugs. This is so sweet. But if she hugs you and she’s saying, hey mommy, I gave you a hug, can I watch screen time? That is not what we allow, right? Because the hug, the hug, the tears, none of that should sway our boundaries. We get hugs and we do all these things because it’s an amazing feeling.

 

00;26;19;12 – 00;26;34;19

Dr. Mona

And when she is dysregulated to tell her, I love you, sweetie, I know you don’t like what I just said. I know you want to watch this, but we’re not watching this right now. If you take a moment, I’m here with you. If you need me, you can come give me a hug. No, mommy. I want to watch Blippi.

 

00;26;34;19 – 00;26;49;22

Dr. Mona

I want to do this. I see that you want to watch Blippi. But right now we are done with Blippi. I’m here if you need me. Do you want a hug? And you sit there and you literally just let her feel that emotion and feel your calmness. Be all that. You are not going to be swayed by her.

 

00;26;49;29 – 00;27;07;13

Dr. Mona

Then if you can do more of that, you’re going to find the terminology, the whining, the crying. Like, I’ve been there with you like I’ve had a toddler. We started doing this much earlier with Ryan, which is why he doesn’t have as many tantrums as a two and a half year old, because he knows that his whining and crying isn’t going to sway our decisions.

 

00;27;07;20 – 00;27;27;06

Dr. Mona

He can always get a hug from us if he’s feeling dysregulated. He can always connect with us if he’s feeling dysregulated. But that hug and the cries and all that is not going to sway me. Giving him a cookie or giving him this, that is just something that’s going to be a part of our family routine. But it’s so important to remember that they understand cause and effect.

 

00;27;27;12 – 00;27;45;29

Dr. Mona

So much so like they are very good at it. And when a new person comes into the home, like just say you hire a babysitter or grandma’s visiting, I’m going to tell you from experience, they are going to try to get more out of them because they understand that this person is someone new. This is someone new that I can test boundaries with.

 

00;27;46;03 – 00;28;04;04

Dr. Mona

This person is not going to be comfortable with my crying or my whining and is going to cave. And here we go. I now found the caregiver that is going to be extremely lenient, and you’re going to find times as a mom that you are going to want to give screen time more. I’ve been there where I’ve set a timer for 30 minutes and I’m still working on something, and I’m like, you know what?

 

00;28;04;04 – 00;28;22;15

Dr. Mona

Let’s just give more. It’s okay. And that’s the boundary you set, right? But when it’s done, you have to say to yourself, it’s done. We are not going to get more of this until we say it’s time. And then how you approach that is the tantrum management of I see that you’re really upset right now. It’s okay to be upset, but we’re done with the TV.

 

00;28;22;17 – 00;28;43;20

Dr. Mona

I’m here if you need me, I don’t. And then you have to just sit and be okay with her not liking the boundary. But you’re sitting with her. You can hold her. If she allows you to hold her. You can leave and go to, outside if you are. Obviously the family members are there. If you just want to get some air, but you want to redirect her, but you can’t let that activity get her back to the screen.

 

00;28;43;22 – 00;29;00;26

Mom

Now that sounds good. That’s definitely something I’m going to try. I was struggling there a lot, really trying that. She comes like 20 times and half an hour off and then I didn’t know like what to do was like, I’m stuck because I just can’t have a choice and I’m stuck because she keeps on coming back. It’s a half an hour.

 

00;29;00;26 – 00;29;14;12

Mom

I don’t want to turn off the TV because it’s in half an hour TV time for her screen time for her. But now she’s coming up to me like 20 times, asking me to change, thinking that I didn’t know, like, what’s the next step for her? But I’m going to try for a thank you for that.

 

00;29;14;19 – 00;29;33;20

Dr. Mona

Absolutely. And that’s a, I guess, a nuanced conversation, which is why I like having you all on my podcast, because yes, we can talk about that. But yes, the back and forth, I guess why I like this conversation is we’re talking about two things within each other, right? We’re talking about the screen time boundary, but we’re also talking about within the boundary when they try to negotiate in the boundary.

 

00;29;33;20 – 00;30;01;29

Dr. Mona

And that’s like layered parenting, right? Like and it is so vital and I know that you’re going to see changes, but it really, really comes back to really respecting that. You have to come up with what your boundary is, and you also have to have that script of understanding. And always, always, always when we are approaching our children with their frustration, the best thing we can say is, I see or I can hear or I can tell, like you’re basically saying, I am looking at this noticing, right?

 

00;30;01;29 – 00;30;21;25

Dr. Mona

I notice or I want or I, I see, but I see that you’re really want this. But right now we can’t do that. And plain and simple I see. But here is what the rule is. I see. But here is what the rule is. You made a choice. And when I say build up the choice, right. Because you want to put it in their head that she has that autonomy, she made that choice and that she has to stick with that.

 

00;30;21;25 – 00;30;35;10

Dr. Mona

That’s how we’ve gotten Ryan to not keep asking for cups. He’s. But he went through a phase where, oh my gosh, like, oh, here’s the blue cup and the red cup. And I’m like, okay, well no, we can’t keep playing these games. So I say, hey Ryan, you made a choice of the Blue Cup. And that’s a really awesome choice.

 

00;30;35;15 – 00;30;50;05

Dr. Mona

So that’s your cup today. And then he’s like, and I’m like, that’s a great cup. If you want to drink your water here’s how you get your cup. Here’s the blue cup. There was no like negotiating. There wasn’t like okay do you want this cup or do you want this? No. You made your decision with the cup. And of course, guess what?

 

00;30;50;10 – 00;31;07;26

Dr. Mona

They start drinking out of the cup, right? Like they’re just trying to test. They’re trying to really test their boundary. And they’re trying to see if what we will do if they win and cry and stuff. But you are the strong person. You are the leader of that ship and you can handle it. It’s just about blocking out the noise from the caregivers getting on the same page as everybody else.

 

00;31;08;02 – 00;31;24;14

Dr. Mona

And if they’re not on the same page, you may have to remove yourself from that room to give yourself some regulation yourself so that you don’t get into that cycle of oh my gosh, oh my gosh. Like everyone is listening. People think that I’m a bad mom. You’re not. You’re trying to set a boundary here that is very important for your child.

 

00;31;24;14 – 00;31;41;18

Dr. Mona

They do not need to watch hours of screen time if you don’t want that to happen, right? I mean, they need to do other things and this is for everything like this. Strategies that I’m talking about are going to be effective in your child’s having difficulty leaving the house. Your child is having a meltdown over wanting a cookie before dinner or wanting a snack.

 

00;31;41;18 – 00;31;53;05

Dr. Mona

Right? Hey, it’s not snack time, but do you want me to put a little bit with your dinner? Right? Like, just say she wants crackers. I can put some crackers when dinner time. You know, when it’s time for dinner. Like, it’s really just being very, very consistent with that.

 

00;31;53;12 – 00;31;59;09

Mom

Okay. No, that sounds good. Thank you. Thank you for that. Oh.

 

00;31;59;12 – 00;32;21;04

Dr. Mona

I loved chatting with Renuka because we not only talked about her question, which is about screen time, but we got into a lot of good parenting principles on boundary setting. And I want to wrap up this episode like I do with all Monday episodes with three take home principles. These are principles that apply to managing screen time boundaries, but also in many different parenting situations.

 

00;32;21;07 – 00;32;44;08

Dr. Mona

So the first and most important thing is you need to decide what your boundary is. Using the example of screen time. If your plan is to only have 30 minutes of screen time while you’re preparing dinner or whatever you’re doing, you have to stick to that boundary so that your child understand what a boundary is. If you are just saying, okay, it doesn’t matter, you do what you want, the child is not going to understand the concept.

 

00;32;44;09 – 00;33;09;21

Dr. Mona

Boundary means my parents said that this is going to happen and it’s going to happen. I’m going to see it be carried through by my caregiver. So it’s important to decide your boundary. And then number two is calmly follow through. There does not have to be this big production, this big yelling match this big okay, okay, okay. Whatever you want to do, we have to calmly follow through because besides the boundary, our reaction is extremely important.

 

00;33;09;21 – 00;33;31;28

Dr. Mona

Our body language, our tone matters way more than what words are coming out of your mouth. So it’s really important to watch how you are following through with the boundary. And number three, there are so many I could have gone over, but number three is I want you to give some opportunity for control. Children want to have control even within a boundary.

 

00;33;31;28 – 00;34;01;17

Dr. Mona

So we talked about allowing your child to turn off the remote, pick a show. But remember, once they make that decision we have to hold another boundary that that is the choice that they make. But by allowing some power, we are allowing them to foster their autonomy, when in reality we are their caregivers that are giving them that bigger boundary for their development, for their safety, whatever you want to call it from your parenting philosophies and principles, they have to understand that this is the boundary my caregivers trying to set for me.

 

00;34;01;23 – 00;34;20;15

Dr. Mona

They are going to follow through when they meet it. You’re going to speak as fact rather than asking a question so that they understand that this is what you want in your home and outside and in other situations. Thank you for tuning in. As always, if you love this episode, make sure to leave a review and reading shared on social media.

 

00;34;20;15 – 00;34;29;11

Dr. Mona

Tag me at PedsDocTalk on Instagram and I cannot wait to talk to another parent next week on a topic regarding parenting, parental mindset, and so much more.