On this episode, I welcome Carla Naumburg, author of How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t With your Kids. In addition to being an author, Carla is a clinical social worker and mother of two girls.

We discuss the following (and so much more):

• Why we lose our cool with our kids
• The importance of self-care and sleep
• Fight fright flight freak out
• Screentime
• Independent play
• Attunement
• Common humanity

00;00;08;23 – 00;00;22;16

Dr. Mona

Welcome to this episode where I welcome Carla Naumburg, who is an author, clinical social worker, and mother of two girls. And we’re here to talk about her book, How to Stop Losing Your Shit with Your Kids. Thank you so much for joining me.

 

00;00;22;18 – 00;00;24;11

Carla Naumburg

Thank you. I’m so happy to be here.

 

00;00;24;19 – 00;00;41;19

Dr. Mona

Well, I love this book. You know, the title is definitely, eye grabber. And I know a lot of my, listeners, you know, maybe listening to this with kids in the room. So for the rest of the episode, we’re going to be referring to it as how to stop losing your cool with your kids. Just in case you are listening to it in the room with your children.

 

00;00;41;26 – 00;00;44;19

Dr. Mona

But again, thank you for joining us. I’m so happy you’re here.

 

00;00;44;22 – 00;00;46;08

Carla Naumburg

Yeah, let’s dig into it.

 

00;00;46;10 – 00;00;48;11

Dr. Mona

So why did you write this book?

 

00;00;48;13 – 00;01;07;26

Carla Naumburg

Oh, because I was totally losing my cool with my kids all the time. I mean, let’s be honest. So I had two daughters under the age of two. And even though I’d never been a yeller, screamer before, I had kids, all of a sudden I found myself absolutely losing my temper with them, and I felt horrible about it.

 

00;01;07;27 – 00;01;28;21

Carla Naumburg

This was not how I ever imagined myself parenting. It certainly wasn’t how I wanted to interact with my daughters. And so that set me off on this. Really, it was a journey, that took years. Even as a clinical social worker, I was literally working on my PhD in social work. Then one night I sat down and googled, how do I stop yelling at my kids?

 

00;01;29;08 – 00;01;57;11

Carla Naumburg

So here I am getting this advanced degree in like big feelings and confusing thoughts and unhelpful behaviors. And I couldn’t handle this. So, it took me on this journey with a lot of learning, a lot of practice, a lot of research, a lot of trying stuff out. And once I finally started to get a handle on things, which I did, actually, which is not to say I never lose it with my kids, I would I would never say that to parents because we all have moments, where we do lose our tempers.

 

00;01;57;11 – 00;02;08;08

Carla Naumburg

But what I will say is it happens a whole lot less often. It’s less intense than it used to be, and I recover much more quickly. And once I had sort of figure that out, I wanted to share it with people.

 

00;02;08;11 – 00;02;33;20

Dr. Mona

Oh, that’s so great. And I agree. I mean, I think, as you know, a culture of parents, we, we, we sometimes think that, oh, you know, I’ll have kids. I’m this calm, cool, collected person, and then you’re a little person that looks like you or talks like you all of a sudden, you know, says something or does something and you lose your cool, like we talked about, this is so great that we’re going to get into some information that you’ve you’ve shared after doing all your digging in your research, but also just in your experience as a social worker and as a mom.

 

00;02;33;22 – 00;02;34;18

Carla Naumburg

Absolutely.

 

00;02;34;20 – 00;02;40;05

Dr. Mona

So in your opinion, I mean, of course, there can be many reasons, but why do you think we lose our cool with our kids?

 

00;02;40;12 – 00;03;05;29

Carla Naumburg

Yeah. So first of all, I want to say I don’t think it’s because there are bad parents or bad kids out there and, it’s because we’re having a very natural and human reaction to a difficult moment. And so I go into this in the book, but basically we have these nervous systems that designed to put our bodies into what I call fight, flight, freeze, or freak out mode any time we face a threat.

 

00;03;06;06 – 00;03;26;06

Carla Naumburg

Right. And so it’s this very physical reaction, because it developed at a time when most of the threats we faced were physical. There was like a wooly mammoth or, I don’t know, whatever animal was roaming planes back in them when our brains were developing. And so we needed our bodies to go into high alert to get ready to either fight this threat or run away from it.

 

00;03;26;09 – 00;03;47;15

Carla Naumburg

And now, you know, generations later, we still have these very physical responses to perceived threats. And for many of us, when our children are losing it or misbehaving or not cooperating or whatever it is, it feels threatening, even if we don’t realize it. But our bodies see it that way. And so they go on to this high alert mode.

 

00;03;47;17 – 00;04;03;00

Carla Naumburg

But for most of us, we’re not going to fight our kids. Some of us do run away from our kids. And I will confess to having locked myself in the bathroom a time or two just so I could calm down. Some parents, especially those with a trauma history, might freeze in that moment, but many of us freak out.

 

00;04;03;00 – 00;04;27;08

Carla Naumburg

And by what I mean is, we take all that energy, all that tension, and rather than fighting or fleeing, we lose it. And we scream at our kids or do whatever it is and so we’re having this very physical reaction to a threat that isn’t physical at all. So it’s just this moment where our bodies are kind of mis attuned to what the moment needs, which means we need to retrain ourselves with new strategies and skills.

 

00;04;27;10 – 00;04;36;23

Dr. Mona

And of course, in your book, you outlined many ways, that we can, you know, stop or help us in terms of losing our cool with our children. What are some of your favorite ways?

 

00;04;36;25 – 00;05;03;27

Carla Naumburg

Yeah. So look, a lot of what I talk about in the book is could be generally considered self-care, which I know, honestly, I know a lot of parents don’t want to hear about that right now because it feels so impossible. Right? It feels like an indulgence. It feels like these things we don’t have time for. But when you start to think about sleeping through the night as a really powerful strategy for not losing your temper with your kids, and I actually go a little bit into the brain science behind why sleep is so important with this particular issue.

 

00;05;03;27 – 00;05;31;12

Carla Naumburg

All of a sudden, sleep feels a little more crucial. But a couple of my favorite strategies, actually my most favorite strategy for not losing my temper with my children, which I think a lot of parents never think about, is the importance of what I call single tasking, or just doing one thing at a time. And again, right now, as so many of us are working from home and our kids are schooling from home, and it’s all mixed in together, multitasking feels unavoidable, right?

 

00;05;31;13 – 00;05;50;13

Carla Naumburg

It feels like the only way to get through the day. But what we know is that a we’re not actually capable of multitasking. What we do is something that researchers are calling task switching, which means our brains are constantly jumping back and forth between the thing we’re doing one second, the thing we’re doing the next second, and we never quite catch up.

 

00;05;50;15 – 00;06;11;21

Carla Naumburg

And this causes us stress and the stress I define in the book as the thought, belief or perception that we can’t handle whatever is going on. And the more we’re multitasking, the more balls we have up in the air. At the same time, the more we are likely to believe that we can’t handle what’s happening. And that feels like a threat.

 

00;06;11;23 – 00;06;35;18

Carla Naumburg

And then our kid comes along, maybe with a perfectly innocent question. Yeah, the super obnoxious behavior. But either way, we lose it. And so I have found well, let me give you an example for my life. I would be making dinner. Let’s say I’m making dinner. And inevitably this means I’m standing at the stove stirring noodles. Because always noodles and the girls are at the, you know, kitchen table.

 

00;06;35;18 – 00;06;56;24

Carla Naumburg

Maybe one of them is working on her math homework, which I literally am one of those cliched parents who’s like, I don’t understand how they’re teaching math these days. And maybe my other kid, you know, is in the bathroom screaming because she needs toilet paper. I mean, while I’m standing there at the stove and all of a sudden I’m thinking about, I don’t know, an ex-boyfriend, a car accident from three years ago when the crazy brain has dropped in their.

 

00;06;56;26 – 00;07;19;18

Carla Naumburg

And then there’s just too much going on. There’s the boiling noodles, there’s my crazy brain. There’s my phone lighting up with the latest news. There’s the kid here, the kid there, and then the next child who asks for something. Even if it’s a completely reasonable request. My brain just hits a limit and I shout right? And so what I’ve trained myself to do in that moment instead is, first of all, turn off all the notifications on my phone.

 

00;07;19;18 – 00;07;46;12

Carla Naumburg

Oh yeah, we never get notifications for anything except a text message or a phone call. And when I am cooking dinner, I will say to the girls, I can help you after I’m done cooking dinner. Sometimes I have to say that eight times, right. But when I’m in those hotspots, those moments where I’m trying to do too many things at once and I know my kids are going to need something that is like a prime moment for losing my temper.

 

00;07;46;15 – 00;07;58;21

Carla Naumburg

And so I really try to practice focusing on just one thing at a time, and it really decreases, well, let’s put it this way. Lengthens my fuze and makes it less likely that I’m going to explode.

 

00;07;58;23 – 00;08;15;29

Dr. Mona

Yes, I mean, I can personally agree to that too. I mean, I have a 16 month old at the time of this recording. But even like when I talk to my families in my office, you know, I talk about that cumulative dream from the world, right? You have traffic. You’re late for work. Something happened at work. You maybe didn’t lose your cool with those people.

 

00;08;16;01 – 00;08;34;14

Dr. Mona

You kept it together, and then you come home where you’re comfortable, where your children are. There’s 10,000 things happening. And all of a sudden that that cup is so full, like you really, it’s just one extra drop in that cup that literally it wasn’t the the child who asked the innocent question. It was the accumulation of everything that’s happened in your day.

 

00;08;34;14 – 00;08;53;27

Dr. Mona

I, I agree with that. And your advice about single tasking I think is something we need to do more of. I think as women, professional women, however you want to look at it, we pride ourselves on being great multitaskers. I mean, I can say before I had my son, I was able to multitask and do many things at once, and I was good at it.

 

00;08;54;03 – 00;09;13;08

Dr. Mona

And now I tell my husband I’m like, I can’t do multiple things at once anymore because my brain is so full of the mental load of being a mom, and it’s so different. Like before I could watch TV and work on writing an article, but now I need quiet, you know? And it changes after motherhood and it changes.

 

00;09;13;11 – 00;09;28;02

Dr. Mona

Maybe even if you’re not a mother. And I think that single tasking is such a great tip because with the phone, especially having that on, you know, there is just extra baggage that comes into our brain, input into our brain when we need to just kind of focus on the moment.

 

00;09;28;05 – 00;09;49;22

Carla Naumburg

Absolutely. And I find that single tasking is, is crucially important when I’m with my children. But also important when I’m not, because it helps sort of decrease my stress. So I don’t reach that level. As you mentioned, of my my cup being so full that when I finally do see my kids, I can’t manage anything. It’s crucially important to single task when you’re with your kids.

 

00;09;49;22 – 00;10;08;11

Carla Naumburg

And one of the things I’m really aware of is that right now, during the pandemic, many of us are with our kids far more than we ever were before, and we’re trying to work or breathe or whatever it is we’re trying to do when our kids are around all day. And listeners may be hearing this and saying, okay, well, that’s a great idea, but I don’t even know how to do that.

 

00;10;08;18 – 00;10;27;00

Carla Naumburg

It’s not even possible. And so here’s what I say to parents either pay attention to your kids or ignore them. And let me clarify, because I don’t mean like the hostile ignoring. What I mean is, if it’s possible and this is not always possible either, make the choice that you are going to be with your children. Engage with them.

 

00;10;27;00 – 00;10;45;16

Carla Naumburg

Either you’re eating a meal, or reading a book, or sharing a project, or going for a walk, or whatever it is, or set things up so that you can have a little bit of headspace, a little bit of physical space. And maybe that means putting your kids in front of a show for 20 minutes. Yeah, maybe it means setting them up with a toy or a game that’s going to distract them.

 

00;10;46;00 – 00;11;05;29

Carla Naumburg

And with older kids, you can say, hey, you need to go take care of yourself for a little while because I need to get this chunk of work done or I need a break. And this looks really different from what I used to do, which is, you know, sit down with all the Legos and have my phone next to me and do some Lego and then like, pick up my phone and try to answer work email and then go back to the Lego.

 

00;11;05;29 – 00;11;22;24

Carla Naumburg

And inevitably something would go wrong. Like I’d send the email to the wrong person, or I’d snap at my kids. And so I really encourage parents that in those moments when your children are playing on their own, when they’re entertained, when they’re somehow able to get into that groove, don’t interrupt them. Don’t go get involved in their space.

 

00;11;22;24 – 00;11;47;23

Carla Naumburg

They don’t need you in that moment. They’ll need you soon enough. They don’t need you in that moment. So give them the space, take care of your own stuff and if you can. And this really depends on the parent and the child and the age of the child. But when you can train your kids, you know, this is a practice that you can get better at, that there are times when they’re going to be on their own to play with a sibling, play by themselves, and then they’re going to be times when you’re really going to be able to be there for them.

 

00;11;47;23 – 00;11;52;22

Carla Naumburg

So I encourage parents, when possible, to try to be a little more intentional about that.

 

00;11;52;25 – 00;12;11;24

Dr. Mona

Oh, I, I couldn’t agree more. You know, I do focus a lot on those early years on my, you know, Instagram page, with especially when we talk about in that infant year, you know, that first year of life, you can start what you said so early, the emphasis on independent play, of course, you balance it with the fact that the child also needs their parent and caregiver.

 

00;12;11;24 – 00;12;26;08

Dr. Mona

But if you want to get stuff done, you can have your child in a play mat, you know, on the floor from a young age playing on the floor, you obviously are there with them, not eyes on them, but you’re doing work next to them, right? If they need you, if they want you, of course, you’re right there.

 

00;12;26;12 – 00;12;45;07

Dr. Mona

But you can start to notice that you’re going to increase increments of time, of prioritizing the independent play every single time you can. And of course, if they need you, they’re coming to you. You’re there if you need it. Right. But it’s it’s that emphasis on independent play, because I think there is a culture, especially with modern parents, that we need to be.

 

00;12;45;09 – 00;13;00;14

Dr. Mona

Many parents feel like we need to be attached to our infants at all times. You know, if they if they need, you know, if they need me, I’m going to automatically be there, which is, yes, you’re going to go to them. But you need to emphasize that, hey, we’re going to play a little bit. I’m right here, I’m working on my computer.

 

00;13;00;15 – 00;13;17;01

Dr. Mona

I did this a lot with my son early on. I mean, he is a great independent player. And he does really good at that. But when he does need me and comes running to me and wants a hug, of course I’m there to give him a hug. Right? But it’s that training process that we see. And then the other comment that you mentioned was about screen time.

 

00;13;17;01 – 00;13;36;17

Dr. Mona

I think there is a lot of guilt on screen time. And I know, you know, the app has recommendations on screen time. I, I am a big believer that if a parent needs the screen time because it makes them feel a little bit more calm and relaxed, right? I’d rather have that than for you to be not using screen time and be so stressed out.

 

00;13;36;17 – 00;13;53;17

Dr. Mona

And that doesn’t make the engagement with your child any better. I rather have a child, have 20 minutes of screen time and a parent get a break, then no screen time, and the parent is so stressed out there’s no engagement. They are so distracted because they just didn’t get a moment for themselves. So that to me is okay.

 

00;13;53;20 – 00;14;09;19

Dr. Mona

So when you look at screen time rules, it’s okay if you go out of those roles a little bit, as long as you’re balancing it and saying, hey, like you’re going to get the screen time and that’s perfectly fine, I need a moment. And then when we’re all done with it, we’re going to be together and have that social developmental interaction.

 

00;14;09;19 – 00;14;20;23

Dr. Mona

So I don’t want people to feel guilted about screen time. I don’t want you to feel like you can’t, you know, do the things that you’re doing because it can really help your sanity if you need to.

 

00;14;20;25 – 00;14;38;14

Carla Naumburg

Absolutely. And I think what this all, comes back to is, you know, you talked about, leaving your son alone on the floor to play right next to you so he could have that independent play and you could get work done. And you said that some parents, you know, feel like their babies or their toddlers have to be sort of constantly attached to them.

 

00;14;38;14 – 00;14;55;24

Carla Naumburg

And what I think about is let’s move away from this focus on attachment and really look at attunement. And so what I mean by that is, is noticing what’s going on with your self. What’s the head space you’re in, how much heart space do you have and what’s going on with your child and what do they need in the moment.

 

00;14;55;26 – 00;15;12;20

Carla Naumburg

And there are times when we as a parent might feel overwhelmed by guilt. Oh my gosh, I was working so hard today. I didn’t have a chance to see my kid, or the last time I interacted with him. I was cranky or grumpy or distant because I’m struggling with 87 million things going on. But now I suddenly feel this urge as a parent to go connect with my child.

 

00;15;12;23 – 00;15;39;01

Carla Naumburg

And so then you get all up in your kid space. We’ve all done it. Hey, can I play with you? Hey, well, let’s snuggle all the things. And in that moment, the child doesn’t need that and can actually feel intrusive. As anyone who’s ever had a spouse or a partner come to them, you know, in a moment when you’re happily ensconced in your book or your TV show or your project, and then your partner shows up and starts peppering you with questions and all the things you know may feel loving, but it may also feel kind of intrusive and annoying.

 

00;15;39;04 – 00;16;00;16

Carla Naumburg

So the strongest relationships really come from this place of attunement, where we get attuned to what’s going on with ourselves. What do we have the energy for? What can we show up with? But then we also attuned to our child, what do they need? What are they doing? You know, are they happily playing? Great? Leave them alone. Do they seem like they need food, snuggle, snack, whatever it may be?

 

00;16;00;19 – 00;16;16;28

Carla Naumburg

Then you go and do that with them. And I think the same is true for TV, you know, or screen time that there are times, honestly, when we need to attuned to ourselves and we need to check in. And I think really with kids at a younger age, let’s be very clear. Screen time at that age is for parents.

 

00;16;17;03 – 00;16;42;19

Carla Naumburg

It just is like, yeah, there’s there’s no benefit for the kids. It’s not going to kill them. It’s not going to damage them. But there’s no real benefit. But it is okay. And in fact, it is absolutely necessary for parents to take care of themselves. And so if you need some time, which we all do right now, and the only way you can get that time because your child is too young or they’re too anxious or whatever is going on, is to put them in front of a screen.

 

00;16;42;19 – 00;16;52;04

Carla Naumburg

Oh my gosh, go ahead and do it. Get do what you need to do to take care of yourself and then go reconnect with your kiddo. I do this every day. We can do this. It’s really okay.

 

00;16;52;06 – 00;17;06;17

Dr. Mona

Yeah. And I think and again, there is a lot of shaming that I see. Like I said, like, I mean, especially yes, the screen time shaming that I need to be attached to my child. If I’m not, I’m supposed to be in their face playing with them, especially in that infant period at all times. Yes. For safety purposes you need to.

 

00;17;06;17 – 00;17;27;08

Dr. Mona

But I agree with you. There is that balance. And I love what you said about attunement because yes, you do not need to bother them if they do not need to be bothered. I and that’s a skill like you talk about it with older and that’s a skill that we can do early on too. I mean we, we my husband have a rule like if our son is independently playing, we are not going to go near him unless he gets our attention.

 

00;17;27;08 – 00;17;49;21

Dr. Mona

Right? Because like you said, they just don’t always need us by their side. But of course, sometimes he’s bored or wants us to show him something else, but I love that. I think that is such a good balance. And I couldn’t agree more from, you know, the pediatric developmental standpoint, because it can really reduce the stress for a lot of parents when they realize I’m not going to damage my kid by showing them a screen, my child is okay if they have some alone time.

 

00;17;50;09 – 00;17;52;15

Dr. Mona

And it’s it’s better for everyone.

 

00;17;52;17 – 00;17;53;16

Carla Naumburg

Absolutely.

 

00;17;53;19 – 00;18;09;01

Dr. Mona

How else have you seen a change in the pandemic? Any other tips that you’ve seen that you’ve had to talk about with families? This is a great tip though, because of course, you know, parents are relying so much more on these different things like screens. They’re feeling a lot more guilty about it. Is there any other things that you’ve seen?

 

00;18;09;04 – 00;18;29;07

Carla Naumburg

Yeah. Look, everything just feels so much harder, right? We don’t have the bandwidth that we once had to deal with. Even the minor inconveniences of life feels harder. I know that families are finding some silver linings. Like my family. The four of us now sit down to dinner together every night, which we weren’t always able to do before, when my husband worked outside of the home.

 

00;18;29;07 – 00;18;55;08

Carla Naumburg

Now he’s working from home. But what I really think about during the pandemic is there’s so much unknown. Parents are forced in many situations to make decisions where they’re choosing between two terrible options. And many parents are blaming themselves for situations and experiences that aren’t their fault. They’re really the result of the way our society is set up and the lack of support for parents.

 

00;18;55;11 – 00;19;20;11

Carla Naumburg

And so I keep coming back to is the power and crucial importance of self-compassion. And not only is self-compassion vitally important in helping us not lose our temper with our kids, but it’s it’s the game changing strategy that makes everything about parenting and life easier. Even. And especially in situations where things feel so scary and out of control like they do for many parents right now.

 

00;19;20;11 – 00;19;50;08

Carla Naumburg

So I have a few pages about self-compassion in this book, but really, it’s this idea and this practice that when things go wrong, when we make mistakes, when we are forced to, parent in ways that maybe we wouldn’t want to otherwise because, I don’t know, we’re all trapped in our homes during a pandemic, rather than beating ourselves up, rather than blaming ourselves and ending up in this space of shame, can we respond to ourselves and our situation with kindness and understanding?

 

00;19;50;10 – 00;20;14;19

Carla Naumburg

With forgiveness and grace? Can we remind ourselves that we are not alone in this? You know, during this pandemic, I have friends who are showing up on Instagram, and it’s like what I see on social media is that their lives are blossoming. Their kids are doing they’re doing all the things their grandfather, who is a molecular biologist, is Skyping in and teaching the kids genetics over zoom.

 

00;20;14;21 – 00;20;31;13

Carla Naumburg

And their kids are like becoming masters of soccer. And this one started the violin and that one’s taking French lessons and I mean, my kids are a little bit older, but I really, you know, I got this sense of, oh my gosh, there are parents out there who are totally rocking this pandemic. And, that’s not my experience.

 

00;20;31;13 – 00;20;51;22

Carla Naumburg

It’s not the experience of so many parents I know. And so in those moments, I actually need to focus on connecting with the parents who remind me that I’m not alone in my struggles. And this is an important part of self-compassion, is this idea of common humanity, that no matter what your challenges are, there’s somebody else out there who’s also having them.

 

00;20;51;24 – 00;21;10;01

Carla Naumburg

It’s part of the human experience, and you’re not alone. It’s okay if things feel really hard, because guess what? Parenting is crazy hard. And it’s especially hard right now. And what do you need? What do you need in this moment to get to the next moment? What is your child needs? So there’s this inherent sense of curiosity.

 

00;21;10;04 – 00;21;32;11

Carla Naumburg

So there’s there’s a way in which responding to ourselves with self-compassion not only makes the moment and the day, and then the week in the month feel easier and more manageable. But it also helps kind of clear our brain so we can refocus on whatever we need to be present for, rather than getting lost in all the shame and blame and doubt and guilt.

 

00;21;32;15 – 00;21;45;01

Carla Naumburg

So I think you know what parents need, and what I spend a lot of time thinking about and practicing is self-compassion, because it’s there’s there’s just not a lot of concrete solutions for a lot of what we’re struggling with right now.

 

00;21;45;04 – 00;21;59;15

Dr. Mona

Yeah. And I mean, I see it all the time with myself also. I mean, I’m admit it, like, we tend to focus on all the things that we didn’t do in a day versus what we did right. Like, oh, man, I didn’t do this. Like, I have to do this, but I you look back and you’re like, wait, I actually accomplished so much.

 

00;21;59;15 – 00;22;21;24

Dr. Mona

And maybe some days you don’t accomplish anything and that’s okay. You know, some days you want to just sit and you don’t want to use nap times and bedtime to do anything. You just want to be by yourself and relax. And I think we should promote that culture. I mean, you brought up social media. I, I am big on social media, meaning I’m big in that parenting space in that, you know, a lot of my followers are obviously I’m connecting with them through social.

 

00;22;21;24 – 00;22;41;10

Dr. Mona

But I know that there’s this, oh, there’s this catch 22. I want I want to help them and I want to support them. But I also know that by consuming information and seeing, you know, all the followers that they’re following and what they’re getting, it can be this sort of like what you said, like, is this really everyone doing amazing things right now when I’m just kind of struggling?

 

00;22;41;10 – 00;22;57;18

Dr. Mona

And I agree with you, we all are going through tough times right now. I mean, even I’ll be honest, the family that you mentioned, I’m sure there are things that are going on in their life that are not roses and butterflies, you know, but they but Instagram and social media is a highlight reel. We know that it’s a highlight reel.

 

00;22;57;18 – 00;23;19;10

Dr. Mona

I’ve mentioned this before, but we forget it sometimes when we’re in it, we just see everyone doing different things and we’re like, wow, this person is doing this and this person is doing this. Why am I just sitting here on social media like, what am I doing that’s not like them? And that’s so not what’s happening. I mean, it’s it’s so hard and it can have a really large effect on mental health for moms and also that finding that self-compassion.

 

00;23;19;10 – 00;23;28;04

Dr. Mona

So I completely agree with you. It’s so important that we don’t beat ourselves up. But it’s hard, but it’s important so that we can really be there for ourselves and our families too.

 

00;23;28;06 – 00;23;50;08

Carla Naumburg

Absolutely. And I think, you know, social media is a real double edged sword. I, I am also on social media. I have an amazing community of friends and people like you that I’ve connected with through social media. And, there are times when someone posts a funny meme, whether joking about, I don’t know, their anxiety or the challenges of parenting, and I go, oh my gosh, I’m not alone, right?

 

00;23;50;08 – 00;24;09;26

Carla Naumburg

Yeah, I am so grateful for this person for posting this little slice of their reality. And it’s this moment where I feel like I can breathe again. And so what I try to do, and what I encourage your listeners to do, is when they’re scrolling through social media, notice how they’re feeling and how they’re responding and what it’s bringing up for them.

 

00;24;09;29 – 00;24;32;09

Carla Naumburg

And if there are friends or people or accounts that you notice constantly leave you in a place of doubt or or questioning yourself in the parenting decisions you make, it’s okay to unfollow that person. Yeah, I mean, you don’t like them as a person. It doesn’t mean you never want to talk to them. It just means their account isn’t the right match for the headspace you’re in right now.

 

00;24;32;09 – 00;24;37;28

Carla Naumburg

And that’s okay. So that’s something I do talk to parents about a lot because I get it. I’ve been there too.

 

00;24;38;00 – 00;24;58;12

Dr. Mona

Yeah, unfollow mute. Like I am a big believer in muting the person. Like you can actually still follow, but at that time, maybe that person is just not what you need, but you still like that person or whatever. Like there’s so many ways and I look, I’ve had to do that. I muted some people, I’ve unfollowed some people and then they find out somehow and they messaged me back like, what happened?

 

00;24;58;12 – 00;25;17;02

Dr. Mona

And I’m nice and I say, I really like you as a person, but I think right now the content you’re giving out there is not what I need, and it’s people have to also understand from the other side that that’s okay. You’re not you’re not going to please everyone. But that doesn’t mean you’re not a good person. It just means that everyone needs to do what’s best for their mind space.

 

00;25;17;02 – 00;25;32;17

Dr. Mona

And I agree with that completely. And you know, like we talked, we didn’t even talk about this, but we tend to be women. Most women, not all women, tend to be people pleasers. Like we want to, you know, be givers. You know, we want to, we want to be liked. We want to make people feel welcomed.

 

00;25;32;17 – 00;25;49;22

Dr. Mona

We want to feel welcomed. I mean, this is just who we are. We’re loving human beings. But at some point, we have to understand that you can only be only a few people’s cup of tea. Not everyone is going to love what you’re saying. Oh, this is so hard. But it’s okay to say, okay, well, right now, this is not the account for me.

 

00;25;49;29 – 00;26;16;12

Dr. Mona

I don’t need this in my life right now, but maybe I’ll want to look at this later. But yeah, I think this is really important for our, our headspace when we’re scrolling through our feeds on social media. And, you know, one thing that I wanted to talk about was, you know, we lose our cool. And we we’ve mentioned that it’s going to happen even with all of the stuff that we talk about in your book and everything that we try to do, we are going to still lose our cool, what are some ways that we can repair?

 

00;26;16;12 – 00;26;23;23

Dr. Mona

Like how can we move on after losing our cool when our child asks a question and we you know, blow up at them, what can we do?

 

00;26;23;26 – 00;26;49;14

Carla Naumburg

Absolutely. So, there is sort of this little mantra we have in the parenting world where we talk about the cycle of the parent child relationship as being rupture, repair, repeat. And so I share this with parents because I want them to know that it is completely normal to have moments of disconnection and tension and difficult emotions and all the things with our kids.

 

00;26;49;15 – 00;27;07;05

Carla Naumburg

Not only is it normal, but I think it’s important. You know, I don’t want my kids to grow up in a world where they think that a healthy relationship is one where nobody ever has any negative emotions and people never fight, because that’s not reality. You know, I’ve been with my husband 20 years now and we get into some whoppers, right?

 

00;27;07;05 – 00;27;27;14

Carla Naumburg

We definitely disagree. We definitely fight. And over the years, we’ve learned how to manage those disagreements in ways that are healthy. And, you know, it’s fine. Like we get through it. And I want my daughters to know that that’s okay. It’s okay to have strong emotions. It’s okay to be angry. And in fact, I say to parents all the time, no emotion is wrong.

 

00;27;27;21 – 00;27;42;19

Carla Naumburg

There is no such thing as a bad feeling. There are some really unpleasant feelings that don’t feel good to have, but you never need to apologize for what you feel. Sometimes you need to apologize for the way you behave, right? Yeah. So you can be. I tell my daughters all the time, you can be pissed as you want it.

 

00;27;42;19 – 00;28;00;15

Carla Naumburg

Your sister. It’s okay to be mad at her. You can’t throw your shoe at her. Right? So we separate out the feeling from the behavior. So after you’ve lost it with your kids and behaved in a way that maybe wasn’t ideal, the first thing you need to do is calm down, right? Your nervous system is still on high alert, you’re still triggered.

 

00;28;00;17 – 00;28;24;14

Carla Naumburg

And if you go and try and reengage with your child, when you’re still frustrated or angry or confused or ashamed or whatever, you’re likely to lose it again. Yeah. And so you got to get yourself calm and whatever that looks like for you. I have a whole lot of options in the book. For some people. They need a really sort of active response to get that energy out of their bodies, run up and down the stairs, run around the block, whatever you can do while your kid is safe.

 

00;28;24;28 – 00;28;43;04

Carla Naumburg

Some people drop and do push ups. Other people need like quiet. They need to go into another space and really, like, chill. Some people find it helpful to recite prayers or mantras, or count back from ten, or listen to a particular piece of music. Whatever it is, take a moment and just do what you can to calm down.

 

00;28;43;08 – 00;29;06;25

Carla Naumburg

Right then you go and find the child. If they’re old enough to process this and you reconnect with them. And for older kids who can understand this, it’s okay to apologize. And you want to apologize in an age appropriate way that functions on behavior. So you don’t have to say, I’m sorry, I got mad because you don’t have to apologize for being mad and say is, I’m sorry I screamed to you.

 

00;29;06;27 – 00;29;31;29

Carla Naumburg

Yeah, right. So really own the behavior and then say, and then you can identify your feeling. I was feeling angry and it’s okay to feel angry, but I shouldn’t have yelled. And then I. Please, parents don’t ever promise you’re never going to do it again because you know that’s baloney, right? We’re all going to do it again. So what you can say is, let’s figure out a plan for the rest of the night, for the rest of the day, or the rest of the playdate or whatever it is.

 

00;29;32;02 – 00;29;47;15

Carla Naumburg

And that plan really has to depend on where you as a parent are and how much sort of energy and headspace you have to show up for your child in that moment. So there have been nights when I’ve looked at my girls and been like, you guys, I’m so sorry I lost it at you. I am, I’m done.

 

00;29;47;15 – 00;30;09;03

Carla Naumburg

I’m toast. I got nothing for anybody today, so why don’t we just, like, get through dinner, put on a show, get through the night, get some sleep, and we’ll all restart in the morning. Right? And then there are times when I actually do have some energy and I’ll say, hey, I’m really sorry, you know, let’s go, do a puzzle, work on a craft project.

 

00;30;09;06 – 00;30;30;03

Carla Naumburg

And when it’s a really little one, you can say, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry I yelled at you. I shouldn’t have done it. Would you like to read a story together? Would you like to read a book? Whatever it may be, you know, work, play with your dolls so you can absolutely apologize to your child. I just encourage you again to apologize for your behavior, not your feelings, and then come up with a plan for the next few minutes.

 

00;30;30;03 – 00;30;48;13

Carla Naumburg

And sometimes, you know, older kids may not be interested in your apology. That’s okay. Don’t get over it. And little kids, oh man, the little ones, they’re so eager to reconnect with you. Yeah, that really it. Well, it generally doesn’t take a lot, but I think it’s a really important thing to model. Right? Yeah. That this is what we do.

 

00;30;48;13 – 00;30;55;08

Carla Naumburg

And I’m really not a fan of forcing kids to go apologize to someone. But I am a big fan of modeling the behavior we’d like to see.

 

00;30;55;10 – 00;31;16;10

Dr. Mona

Couldn’t agree more. I mean, I know what you were saying about the importance of seeing healthy discussions, arguments, fights, whatever you want to call it, right? And the repair that’s happened after that. I mean, that is life. And I agree, like when I was younger, my parents never fought in front of me. So when I grew up, I thought that fighting meant that the relationship is not good.

 

00;31;16;12 – 00;31;31;29

Dr. Mona

And it took me a long time to understand that no fights do happen. They would have arguments, but it would never be in front of us. But they kind of made this sort of reality for me and my sister. So when we grew up, we were like, wait, no, no, no, we’re going to have discussions and arguments and fights and that’s totally natural.

 

00;31;31;29 – 00;31;52;03

Dr. Mona

But that repair with another human being that you’re having a discussion with, with your child, I, I agree so much and I’m so glad we talked about all this, because we don’t have to feel guilty for having emotions. They happen, but we should teach our children in these moments. Or whenever you’re cool down to say, hey, you know, I made a mistake, and, you know, what can we do?

 

00;31;52;03 – 00;32;00;16

Dr. Mona

I think that’s so great. And your book has such great tips even beyond what we talked about. So thank you so much for finding the inspiration for to write this for us.

 

00;32;00;18 – 00;32;02;09

Carla Naumburg

I’m always happy to help.

 

00;32;02;11 – 00;32;12;19

Dr. Mona

So where can people find you if they you know, I think you said social media. Where are your social media platforms? I’m going to add a link to your book, but where can we find you?

 

00;32;12;21 – 00;32;29;21

Carla Naumburg

Yes, I’m on Facebook and Instagram and Twitter. And the easiest way to find all of this is to go to my website, which is carlanaumburg.com. Or they can Google the title, my book How to Stop Losing Your Baby with Your Kids. And they’ll find me, you know, and all the links to my social media are up on my website.

 

00;32;29;24 – 00;32;37;23

Dr. Mona

And of course, I’ll be adding these links directly to the show notes, too. And again, I’m so grateful that you could join us. What would be your final message for everyone listening?

 

00;32;37;26 – 00;32;55;21

Carla Naumburg

You know, I got to come back to the self-compassion that, you know, let’s all do our best to give ourselves a break, cut ourselves some slack. Remember, you’re not alone in how hard things are right now. It’s not going to be this way forever. And if parenting feels hard, it’s not because you’re doing it wrong. It’s because you’re doing a hard thing.

 

00;32;55;23 – 00;33;14;26

Dr. Mona

Yeah, exactly. Oh, you are so amazing. I would love to have you on again. I just love talking about parenting, but also how it affects us and what we can do for ourselves. We focus so much on the child in parenting sometimes that I think we also need to equally focus on what it does for us and how we talk to ourselves.

 

00;33;14;26 – 00;33;21;20

Dr. Mona

So thank you so much again everyone. I’ll link everything for her book to my show notes and have a great day.

 

00;33;21;27 – 00;33;22;23

Carla Naumburg

Thanks so much.

 

00;33;22;26 – 00;33;38;18

Dr. Mona

Thank you for tuning in for this week’s episode. As always, please leave a review. Share this episode with a friend. Share it on your social media. Make sure to follow me at PedsDocTalk on Instagram and subscribe to my YouTube channel, PedsDocTalk TV. We’ll talk to you soon.