On this episode of Monday Mornings with Dr. Mona, I am talking with Kaylee about how she feels disrespected when her 3-year old doesn’t listen.

We discuss:

• How to not take our child’s behavior personally
• How to give a three-year old control when trying to set boundaries
• The importance of boundary setting and how to approach them

In this new format of Monday Mornings with Dr Mona that began June 2022, I end each episode with three parenting principles. These principles can be used in various parenting situations, but I explain how the three principles I chose apply to when you may feel disrespected when your child doesn’t listen.

00;00;00;00 – 00;00;26;23

Dr. Mona

One of the biggest things, and the first thing I ever talk about in parenting is trying to look back at your childhood and the things that worked and what didn’t work, and remembering that the things that didn’t work can really trigger you when you become a parent. So whether it’s the whole concept of being disrespectful or, you know, tantrums or behavior or boundaries, you’re going to remember some things from your childhood that can positively or I’m going to use or negatively impact your parenting relationship with their child.

 

00;00;26;25 – 00;00;44;01

Dr. Mona

All the sudden, you look at your three year old son and you kind of think back to when you were a child and your parent was standing in front of you. And it’s a weird, bizarre feeling, but it happens. And that is why it’s so important to self-reflect. And to me, that’s the first way that you can start to not take it personally, right?

 

00;00;44;07 – 00;01;00;23

Dr. Mona

I said that, you know, not taking it personally is the goal here, but it’s easier said than done. I tell you, don’t take it personally. Okay. Well, doctor Mona, how do you not do that? The first thing is self-reflection. It’s understanding. Well, why am I triggered? What is it about the situation that triggers me? Okay, I’m feeling triggered because I’m feeling disrespected.

 

00;01;00;28 – 00;01;24;21

Dr. Mona

Why do I look at it that way? Is it that I don’t understand that this is normal child behavior? Is it that my parents told me this was disrespectful behavior? Is it because society tells me that this is disrespectful behavior? But look at my child as a whole. My child as a whole is not disrespectful. My child as a whole is a three year old learning about boundaries and learning about how those boundaries, you know, interact with their wants and desires.

 

00;01;24;21 – 00;01;35;10

Dr. Mona

And when we can look at child development and tantrums in that lens, we’re not going to have those moments of frustration as much.

 

00;01;35;12 – 00;02;01;10

Dr. Mona

Welcome back to the PedsDocTalk podcast. This podcast continues to grow because of you and your reviews and ratings. So thank you for tuning in, for sharing these episodes and for all of your love for what we talk about on this podcast. On this episode of Monday Mornings with Doctor Mona, I talk to Kaylee. She is the mom of a three year old, and she feels a little bit disrespected when her child doesn’t listen.

 

00;02;01;12 – 00;02;08;23

Dr. Mona

Hey Kaylee, thank you so much for joining me today on the podcast. So tell me what is on your mind today as a mom?

 

00;02;08;25 – 00;02;33;12

Kaylee

Well, thanks for having me. My three year old is I don’t want to say he’s not very good at listening. He listens when he wants to. And it’s very frustrating when he doesn’t listen. I want to word it when I think he should because obviously my perspective is different from his. But it’s like simple things like it’s time for bed or it’s time to eat or, you know, just as day to day like routine things.

 

00;02;33;12 – 00;02;47;09

Kaylee

He has decided, no, I don’t want to, or he just doesn’t respond at all. And I’m just at the point where I’m at my wit’s end, honestly. I mean, what do you do?

 

00;02;47;15 – 00;03;00;22

Dr. Mona

Yeah. And what is so what would be the hardest part of this? Is it like, what’s is it frustrating. Is it do you feel disrespected? Like, what is it? If you could put it into like a phrase that you feel in those moments when your three year old is not listening?

 

00;03;00;24 – 00;03;18;10

Kaylee

I want to say I feel disrespected. I think that’s probably the best way. And that might be because we’ve really been working with him on, like, respect and what that means. And just if you ask him, he’ll say, oh, it means listening to Mommy and Daddy and picking up my toys and like, basic things. But then he doesn’t listen.

 

00;03;18;16 – 00;03;24;18

Kaylee

I’m like, I kind of feel disrespected from what I’ve taught you, you know?

 

00;03;24;20 – 00;03;56;13

Dr. Mona

And this is a common feeling that I think any parent listening can relate to. And anyone who knows a child can relate to. And the first thing I want to mention is that when you’re feeling this, it’s really hard in the moment to feel this. I’m not asking you to feel it in the moments that you’re feeling disrespected, but I want you to look at lockland your child as a big picture here, and I want you to focus on the things that he did do right in that day, or he does do right, generally speaking, with the understanding that some days may not be perfect.

 

00;03;56;13 – 00;04;17;25

Dr. Mona

You know, three year old four year olds, five year olds, you know, after five, they get a little bit better at listening, quote unquote. They’re not doing it out of. And I know you know, this out of disrespect. They’re not doing it to make your life difficult. They’re not doing it because they’re trying to be bad. They are just really trying to learn about their behavior and what their behavior will cause their adult to do.

 

00;04;17;27 – 00;04;37;25

Dr. Mona

And that is what it kind of is right there. All child behavior is a either a mirror of what they’re feeling, or it’s them trying to test or learn about a situation with their parent. If I throw a fit and it’s because my mom took away my eye, the iPhone as an example and I keep throwing a fit and she hands me back the iPhone.

 

00;04;38;00 – 00;05;00;17

Dr. Mona

I have now just learned that this is a boundary that’s not very important to my mom, and if I cry enough, I’ll get back the iPhone. So they’re constantly learning about their environment, learning about boundaries, and then they’re doing this not out of disrespect, but out of just pure child development. And when I find that when you can start to highlight the right, even in your head, but also to Lachlan.

 

00;05;00;17 – 00;05;33;14

Dr. Mona

Right, Lachlan, really great job putting away your toys. I don’t expect him to put away his toys every time, but it programs their brain to understand that. Oh well. Mommy gave me this positive reinforcement and highlighted the right when I did it. I should probably do that more. And then when they do something that we don’t love, which will happen, we don’t give that behavior as much attention as we do the wanted behaviors and that is really hard to do when you feel disrespected, which is why I ask that question, like, what does it make you feel?

 

00;05;33;18 – 00;05;48;05

Dr. Mona

Because we have to get to a point where we can look at our child and the behaviors they’re doing and not take it personally, which, oh my gosh, I have a two and a half year old at the time of this recording, when he stares me in the eye and just dropped something after I say, yeah, if you drop it, I’m taking it away, right?

 

00;05;48;09 – 00;05;48;13

Dr. Mona

Yeah.

 

00;05;48;14 – 00;05;49;15

Kaylee

And you’re like, hey.

 

00;05;49;21 – 00;05;49;29

Dr. Mona

Why.

 

00;05;49;29 – 00;05;51;00

Kaylee

Did you say.

 

00;05;51;02 – 00;06;09;15

Dr. Mona

You’re not listening? But remember, they’re not doing that to basically like get you upset. They actually are just trying to see if they do it. What is going to happen. They are constantly learning about their environment and boundaries. And so when we can remove that this is a disrespectful thing. We can actually make more breakthroughs because then we won’t take it as personal, right?

 

00;06;09;16 – 00;06;19;06

Dr. Mona

Anytime we take anything personal with a child, with a partner, with a coworker, whoever it is, it’s going to be harder to move through that moment and move through to make, you know, breakthroughs.

 

00;06;19;08 – 00;06;37;27

Kaylee

Yeah, I like that. You mentioned that because I have tried to be more aware of that in the moment. And especially he started this thing where he goes in a second, mommy and he got that from me because he would ask me, you know, me or something, I’d be like in a second or like, give me a minute or whatever.

 

00;06;37;27 – 00;06;59;19

Kaylee

So now he’s starting that back and I’m not like, I can’t be mad about that, obviously, because I say to him, but it’s like he’s almost doing that on purpose to see how I would react to that. But it’s also frustrating even knowing that information. Frustrating to me because I’m like, are you kidding me? Like, can you just do what I ask?

 

00;06;59;22 – 00;07;08;07

Kaylee

And then that takes me back to my own parents and I’m like, oh, that’s how they felt when I didn’t do something that they asked.

 

00;07;08;09 – 00;07;26;22

Dr. Mona

And oh yeah, that’s a it’s a tough feeling. You brought up a very good point about it brings you back to your childhood. You know, one of the biggest things, and the first thing I ever talk about in parenting is trying to look back at your childhood and the things that worked and what didn’t work, and remembering that the things that didn’t work can really trigger you when you become a parent.

 

00;07;26;27 – 00;07;48;23

Dr. Mona

So whether it’s the whole concept of being disrespectful or, you know, tantrums or behavior or boundaries, you’re going to remember some things from your childhood that can positively or I’m going use or negatively impact your parenting relationship with your child. So all of a sudden, you look at your three year old son and you kind of think back to when you were a child and your parent was standing in front of you.

 

00;07;48;23 – 00;08;04;25

Dr. Mona

And it’s a weird, bizarre feeling, but it happened. And that is why it’s so important to self-reflect. And to me, that’s the first way that you can start to not take it personally. Right? I said that, you know, not taking it personally is the goal here, but it’s easier said than done. I tell you, don’t take it personally.

 

00;08;05;01 – 00;08;23;17

Dr. Mona

Okay. Well, Doctor Mona, how do you not do that? The first thing is self-reflection. It’s understanding. Well, why am I triggered? What is it about the situation that’s triggering me? Okay, I’m feeling triggered because I’m feeling disrespected. Why do I look at it that way? Is it that I don’t understand that this is normal child behavior? Is it that my parents told me this was disrespectful behavior?

 

00;08;23;17 – 00;08;47;26

Dr. Mona

Is it because society tells me that this is disrespectful behavior? But look at my child as a whole. My child as a whole is not disrespectful. My child as a whole is a three year old learning about boundaries and learning about how those boundaries, you know, interact with their wants and desires. And when we can look at child development and tantrums in that lens, we’re not going to have those moments of frustration as much.

 

00;08;47;26 – 00;09;05;18

Dr. Mona

And I say as much because there is going to be some frustration for sure. But yeah, to take it with a little bit of stride and understanding that it’s not personal, I see that you’re having a moment. I’m going to give you your moment. I’m being very, very consistent and following through with the boundaries that you want. And we’ll get into an example.

 

00;09;05;23 – 00;09;19;05

Dr. Mona

Tell me, like a situation that does happen, maybe like the last time this happened, I think you even mentioned that it might have happened before the recording. And you felt disrespected because I want to go over how we can tackle in that situation as an example. Okay.

 

00;09;19;08 – 00;09;41;22

Kaylee

So probably one of the most common since I am a working mom, when I come home, he has already had his dinner and he’s playing, and then I’m kind of always the one that says, okay, it’s time to go take a shower and get ready for bed. Which doesn’t bother me until he says either no mommy or he ignores me or he says in a minute.

 

00;09;41;25 – 00;10;08;22

Kaylee

And it just kind of gets like, I guess maybe it stems from. That’s like my first disciplinary moment with him in the evening. So it’s like, whoo, that stings. When he doesn’t want to do it, I ask also because I don’t know how he was for his father for the last couple hours that I wasn’t home, but it’s very often that he well, he either just flat out ignores me or he will say, no, not right now.

 

00;10;08;25 – 00;10;35;17

Kaylee

And I’m like, well, I think in my head I’m like, well, we kind of gotta get it going, get the nighttime routine going because we got to go to bed at a certain time. But he doesn’t obviously understand time. So I’ve started to try to be understanding of that. And I’ve actually started recently using a timer instead. So I’ll ask and I’ll say, hey, it’s time to get ready to go shower, to get ready for bed and just kind of wind down for the night.

 

00;10;35;17 – 00;10;58;20

Kaylee

And typically, like I mentioned, he says, no, I don’t want to or no, not right now or no, I’m not ready. And I want to be respectful of that boundary, just as he is a person also. But because it’s a bedtime routine, I started saying, okay, well, I’m going to set a timer for five minutes. For ten minutes, like I’ll just make up a random number.

 

00;10;58;21 – 00;11;18;15

Kaylee

Yeah. And at first I would say it and then just not actually set a timer. But he got really smart on me and he started saying, well, the timer didn’t go off because I would say, oh, in ten minutes, the timer. You know, I’ll set the timer for ten minutes. And then in my head, I’ll just tell him in ten minutes, like, okay, it’s time to go.

 

00;11;18;15 – 00;11;39;22

Kaylee

And he’s like, oh, the timer didn’t go off. So I had to start setting the timer on my phone. And now he goes, can I see the timer? Yeah. Like he can’t even read it. Right. You have to see it to now. And so I think that just adds to the frustration because at the end of the whole thing, I’m like, why can’t you just listen like, right?

 

00;11;39;25 – 00;11;41;28

Kaylee

I mean, what else do you do?

 

00;11;42;00 – 00;12;05;24

Dr. Mona

So this is a great thing, and I’m happy that you brought up the timer example, because it is a very important tool if you use it correctly. So what’s happening here is a typical toddler, especially three year old who wants to be in control of his evening and his choices. Okay, so what you need to do is very matter of fact, and they can sense when things are not matter of fact.

 

00;12;05;24 – 00;12;26;18

Dr. Mona

I’m going to give you an example. Okay? Lachlan. It’s time for bed. Okay. Hey, Lachlan, it’s time for bed. Turn off the TV. Like you see the difference in like, a statement versus a question, right? So first of all, make sure that any boundary it’s a statement. Right. And that you are going to commit to the statement. Like I said earlier, you are deciding your boundary as a parent and for your situation.

 

00;12;26;18 – 00;12;45;24

Dr. Mona

It’s bedtime. Routine starts at 7:00 or after dinner. Doesn’t have to be on a time. It can be like, you know, after a certain, you know, dinner or you watch a TV show, whatever it is. But yes, when you decide as a parent that it’s bedtime, it’s bedtime, you know, and you’re not disrespect your child. You know, you brought up that comment that you want to respect his wants and need.

 

00;12;45;26 – 00;13;09;12

Dr. Mona

Sleep is a healthy boundary. So there are certain things that we respect, right? Like if they don’t want you touching down below, right, like then fine. Yes, you can kind of respect their body autonomy, but going to bed is a healthy boundary that’s good for their health. Right. Like that is something that needs to happen. And we want to be very consistent with that so that we teach them that this is something that’s very important, similar to brushing the teeth.

 

00;13;09;12 – 00;13;27;01

Dr. Mona

Right. Like even if a child doesn’t want to do it, it needs to happen because it’s important for their well-being and whatnot. So it’s important to speak very matter of fact. And in this moment we need to give Lachlan some control. So rather you have two options here or a few options rather than you setting the timer, he sets the timer.

 

00;13;27;01 – 00;13;50;28

Dr. Mona

So he presses the start button so that he has control over a situation where he feels like he’s not in control because he doesn’t like it. That you’re telling him what to do because he wants to be the one who decides, right? So you can’t let him decide because then he’ll sleep at 10 p.m., right? So you’re saying, okay, Lachlan, you want to press the timer, and then you don’t tell him how many minutes they you can set the timer for five minutes, press the button when it goes off or done.

 

00;13;51;04 – 00;14;10;11

Dr. Mona

And then now you gave him some control. Another example is when we use which when Ryan goes to bed right before bed, we watch Wheel of Fortune and he turns off the remote. He has to be the one who turns off the remote. Any person who watches from the outside could be like, wow, why is that kid so great about turning off the TV?

 

00;14;10;17 – 00;14;46;11

Dr. Mona

But that’s his control, you see, like he feels under control in that situation, that it’s not even. The mom is the one who’s starting bedtime routine. I’m the one who turned off the TV, and I’m making a choice to go upstairs. So I want you to try to find a situation where maybe we can give Lachlan control. Obviously, you are making the final boundary, but whether that’s, you know, turning on the timer, like pressing him, physically pressing the button, turning off the TV or whatever it is, you know, him having some resemblance of control because three year olds, they really like that power.

 

00;14;46;17 – 00;15;08;05

Dr. Mona

They want to have and show you that they have autonomy, autonomy, meaning they are in control of their desires and wants and schedule. But it’s a balance because I respect it. Sure. But there also is some understanding that we do have to create some consistency. And they can’t go to sleep at 11. I mean, I wish that was a reality, but it’s not healthy for them to sleep at 11 p.m. for the rest of their life.

 

00;15;08;11 – 00;15;24;06

Dr. Mona

As a three year old. So you are doing the right thing, right? Like understand that your boundary is healthy and let’s give Lachlan some control. What other strategies have you kind of tried in those moments with those transitional activities? Or, you know, when he’s like, no, I don’t want to do it.

 

00;15;24;06 – 00;15;34;08

Kaylee

Like, what have you done? My child is very stubborn. I have a suggestion from his mother. So I’m not ashamed of that. Right? I’m very much like that.

 

00;15;34;12 – 00;15;36;04

Dr. Mona

I agree with you completely. And I resonate with.

 

00;15;36;04 – 00;15;55;05

Kaylee

Yeah. So it gets really hard. Especially, you know, after you’ve worked all day and it’s like some days I just come home and I’m like, why can’t you listen to me? Yeah. So I’ve tried to be intentional with my reaction to his response, such as, like getting down at his level and making him look at me and talk to him.

 

00;15;55;08 – 00;16;19;16

Kaylee

Not demeaning, but just and probably not even matter of fact, honestly, but more just like you’re going to listen to me, you know, like more honestly, it comes out of frustration most of the time, but I try to be just more intentional. And that response to him instead of there was once a time when I would yell about it, you know, I would get so mad that it’s like, why can’t you just listen to me?

 

00;16;19;16 – 00;16;46;01

Kaylee

And I would lash out? And obviously that’s not productive. And I learned that real fast. And so I will get down at his level. I’ll look in his eyes, or at least make him acknowledge my existence and state whatever it is like. And we need to go take a shower right now so that we can you can watch your show after the shower, and we can wind down for bed together, but we need to go get in the shower because my child prefers showers to baths.

 

00;16;46;01 – 00;17;06;01

Kaylee

So it’s always a shower and he’s fine once he gets in the shower, but it’s a whole fight to get him from whatever he’s doing, which most of the time is playing in his room to the shower. And so I realize if I just talk to him as a human and just say, okay, we’re going to go get in the shower.

 

00;17;06;01 – 00;17;27;13

Kaylee

And I look at him and I make eye contact. I feel like it helps a little bit, but there’s still that frustration and fight there. Yeah, that I don’t know how to navigate. And at the end of the day, it’s even more frustrating because then, you know, you think about it all day, you’re like, oh great, now I got to go home and get my kid ready for bed, and he’s going to fight me about it.

 

00;17;27;13 – 00;17;33;16

Kaylee

Yeah. It’s like once you get in the shower, you’re so happy you play for 20 minutes. Like what? What is the big deal?

 

00;17;33;19 – 00;17;48;06

Dr. Mona

And exactly that, that it is, even though we don’t see it as a big deal and or we’re like, wow, why are you so upset about this? Like I use the example of, like, again, going back to the child who refuses to brush their teeth. I’m like, there’s nothing dangerous about this is not hurtful. Like why you should get about this.

 

00;17;48;06 – 00;18;04;04

Dr. Mona

Like as an adult we do these things, but we also have to respect the fact that for a kid, it can be like the biggest thing in the world for them, right? Their world is so much different than ours that what we look at is not a big deal, is actually a huge deal to them and sort of, you know, putting ourselves in the shoes of the child.

 

00;18;04;04 – 00;18;21;14

Dr. Mona

I’m sure you’ve heard that. I love that you get down to his level. That is one thing that I really, really love. It does not mean that they’re going to listen, but what it does psychologically do for the child is make them feel that you’re on the same team and that you’re not talking down to them and imagine it.

 

00;18;21;14 – 00;18;44;05

Dr. Mona

Me and you are having a conversation. I’m speaking down to you, right? Like I’m sitting above and you’re sitting down on the ground and I’m just saying, hey, Kaylee, it’s time to go, you know, do this and you’re going to be like, why is she, like, looking down on me, getting down to the level? It’s psychologically, I think has a huge impact on them listening over time and feeling more of that eye to eye connection versus like, I’m being told what to do.

 

00;18;44;05 – 00;18;55;17

Dr. Mona

Of course, you’re still telling them what to do, but I do feel like it can help now, in the moment. You said that you have to get him upstairs. Has he ever obviously screamed and cried as you go upstairs to the bath or shower?

 

00;18;55;19 – 00;19;17;15

Kaylee

He will cry and he’ll throw his tantrum. Which yes, you know, by the time they’re three it doesn’t really bother me. Yes, honestly. Yeah. So I just kind of let him have his moment. And I start the shower and I go on with the routine. So I start the shower, and then I tell him, okay, the shower is ready before it starts getting cold.

 

00;19;17;15 – 00;19;36;28

Kaylee

Like you want to get in there while the water feels good here, your toys like kind of that distraction almost. He has so many toys in there that I pick one and I’m like, oh, let’s play with this today. Or like try to make it enjoyable, I suppose, in a way. And he will sometimes he’ll keep crying about it, but then I just keep going with the routine.

 

00;19;36;28 – 00;19;52;10

Kaylee

I’ll get him undressed. I’ll because like I said, I want is in the shower is fine. So it’s like I finally got to the point where it didn’t feel so bad to like, move along the routine. You know, the first few times it happened, I like felt horrible. And I’m like, well, I don’t want to force him in the shower.

 

00;19;52;10 – 00;20;10;05

Kaylee

I don’t want to hurt his feelings. I don’t want to do all these mean things to him. But then I realize he’s just a three year old yet, okay? And so I kept the routine going, and I feel like that’s helped me in ways. But it’s still like in the back of my mind, I’m like, is that the best way?

 

00;20;10;05 – 00;20;28;14

Kaylee

Am I doing this right? Like, he’s still not listening every day. So it kind of feels defeating almost to like have the same thing happening every single day. And like I mentioned, he’s so stubborn that it’s like, is it ever going to stop? Am I going to have to use a timer forever? Like all these things that come up as a mom?

 

00;20;28;16 – 00;20;49;26

Kaylee

So I just feel like about this time when he’s going to bed, it’s like, did I do it right? Did I, like, ruin him? You know, like it’s so silly coming out and talking about it. But I know that, like, so many moms think that you’re just like, did I handle that correctly? Like, is there anything else I could have done differently?

 

00;20;49;28 – 00;21;05;10

Dr. Mona

And again, I’m so happy that we’re talking about this, not just, you know, this whole series with this Monday mornings with Doctor Mona, with having you all come on, it’s not even just about okay, do this and it’s going to work. I like to hear the feelings. Like I like to hear why this makes you frustrated, why it bothers you, what you’re feeling.

 

00;21;05;10 – 00;21;22;26

Dr. Mona

Because I feel like when people can talk about that and hear about that is when we can actually make the biggest changes, right? If I just tell you, oh, yeah, like, just go your routine. Fine. Without talking about the feeling behind it, it doesn’t have the same effect. And so yeah, number one, it’s not going to be forever that you’re going to have to use the timer.

 

00;21;22;28 – 00;21;42;20

Dr. Mona

Okay. I’m telling you this from my experience, he an age where this is very common. Now things that are going to help is what I already mentioned earlier about continuing to highlighting the right stuff that he’s doing. Right. So when he is listening, quote unquote, or doing things that he was told to do, right? Yes, that’s an obedient quote unquote child.

 

00;21;42;20 – 00;21;58;10

Dr. Mona

But saying, hey, Lockland, like I said earlier, thank you so much for putting your toys away. That is really great. Helping the family, right? Like, not like you don’t have to do like a whole red carpet, whatever. But just verbalizing that you recognize the things that he is doing so that again, those positive neurons in his brain are clicking all the time.

 

00;21;58;12 – 00;22;23;27

Dr. Mona

And then the third thing, when you’re going through that kind of chaos of you’ve had a hard day, you’re trying to stick to the boundary. You’re wondering if you’re doing the right thing. Your child may or may not like. The boundary throws a tantrum. All the things that you mentioned try to bring playfulness into it, right? So playfulness meaning when he’s crying or kind of, you know, going up the stairs like stomping his feet like a little bit upset, say you’re a big monster, right?

 

00;22;23;27 – 00;22;41;29

Dr. Mona

Like, and just kind of be playful as he goes up the stairs and just pretend like you’re a monster with him. Like, again, making him laugh is actually an okay thing to do when they’re upset, right? Because it’s a good coping skill, right? Like we’re trying to teach our children good, healthy coping skills and laughter and humor is a healthy coping skills.

 

00;22;41;29 – 00;23;00;13

Dr. Mona

So I often use playfulness. When Ryan doesn’t want to brush his teeth, I go, I’m just going to sing you a big song and give you a big, big hug. And I make a funny voice, or I do a funny gesture and he may or may not laugh, or he’ll be like, mama, stop, right? But yes, led me to a situation that I know brings up stress.

 

00;23;00;13 – 00;23;13;23

Dr. Mona

And I’ve been there. You know, even if you have, you know, you work outside of the home or not. It is exhausting when your child doesn’t just do the routine that you know that they’re capable of doing. We know that. Yeah, Lockland can do this. He’s just making it difficult.

 

00;23;13;29 – 00;23;31;03

Kaylee

But that’s not what I like. Yeah, yeah, I like that. You mentioned the toy thing because he goes to preschool, so we know that he picks up his toys. Right? Because you see him do it when we pick him up. And so then at home he gets all these toys out. He’s playing and and we love that. And we let him, you know, have free reign of the house and it’s great.

 

00;23;31;03 – 00;23;56;13

Kaylee

And then it comes time to pick up. And he’s like no I don’t want to. Or he’ll go. When he turned three, it suddenly was like, I don’t know how okay, that’s like what you do don’t know how. Yeah. No. And so then on one hand you’re like, how do you even respond to that? And on the other hand you’re like, this is so frustrating because you do know how like, I see you do it at school every day.

 

00;23;56;15 – 00;24;03;16

Kaylee

So it’s such a battle to like, resolve. I don’t know the struggle with them like.

 

00;24;03;18 – 00;24;04;07

Dr. Mona

Well, and.

 

00;24;04;10 – 00;24;05;28

Kaylee

That’s an at home thing like.

 

00;24;06;06 – 00;24;24;11

Dr. Mona

Yeah that thing. Yes. And then imagine like you are going to be on your best behavior with strangers when I say that, like, yeah, you know, you go to work, I’m going to be honest. Like, just say you had a really hard day at work. You’re likely not going to lose it on your coworkers, but then you’ll go home and you’ll lose it on your partner, or you’ll lose it on your family.

 

00;24;24;11 – 00;24;42;05

Dr. Mona

Right? Like when I say lose it. Like yell, get frustrated, right? You’re not going to do that with coworkers. And I’m using his daycare as coworkers as this example, right? Yeah. So in this situation, Lockland is going to be on his best behavior. Most children are. And then they have what’s called a street class. They come home and they don’t want to do anything.

 

00;24;42;05 – 00;25;03;13

Dr. Mona

They throw more tantrums because the whole day they were being so obedient and listening and doing everything, you know, you get the check marks like Laughlin ate all food and he listened to the teachers and Derrida, and you come home and they’re like, well, no, I just want to let loose and I feel comfortable with you. So if you want to reframe this, look at this as Lockland feel super comfortable with you.

 

00;25;03;13 – 00;25;24;28

Dr. Mona

I know it’s annoying, but he feels super comfortable with his mommy and that is why he’s acting like this. But we are very knowledgeable. We are having this conversation. We’re not going to let it get to us and consume us where we don’t consistently hold the boundary. Obviously add some playfulness into it like I mentioned, but you are right that this is very common for children to do after school childcare where they’ve been on their best behavior.

 

00;25;25;05 – 00;25;45;16

Dr. Mona

And, you know, in that moment the playfulness can really help. You’re doing everything right. You know, I don’t want you to ever I know that that guiltiness feeling of like, oh, man. But like, I should have maybe done it this way or maybe I should do it differently. I think you’re doing a lot of great things, and I want you to continue being super consistent and continuing highlighting the right.

 

00;25;45;16 – 00;25;59;22

Dr. Mona

One thing I will say is we know that Lockland can put away toys, right? So just say he’s not. You can sit there calmly when he’s saying no, and you can say, I really think that you’re really great at putting away your toys. Let’s show me how you put away your toys. And you may say, no, mommy, no.

 

00;25;59;27 – 00;26;21;05

Dr. Mona

And then you can just sit there and wait for him and say, you know, let him put away the toys or let’s do it together. And sometimes I will even take Ryan physically, like, not drag him, but walk in. Yeah. And take him and say, let’s do this together. And I’m not changing my tone like it’s very there’s a little levity in there, even though in my brain I’m like, dang, can you just put away your toys?

 

00;26;21;05 – 00;26;36;07

Dr. Mona

But I’m bringing this as like, sometimes I physically have to bring him to the toys, right? And yeah, because that’s part of the expectation and the routine of our home that we clean up after we play. And sometimes he puffs and, you know, doesn’t really want to do it. But I say, okay, well, we’re going to finish this.

 

00;26;36;07 – 00;26;56;01

Dr. Mona

And then I applaud him and really thank him after, even if it was not done the way I envisioned. I think that’s what we have to really remember as parents, as sometimes they’re not going to do things exactly how we want, or maybe in the time frame that we want them to do it, but really celebrating and just verbalizing that, hey, I saw that you did it.

 

00;26;56;08 – 00;27;16;19

Dr. Mona

Same thing happened today with Ryan. He wasn’t putting away his toys and he started throwing them and said, Ryan, you’re going to go and pick up your toys, okay? And we’re going to put that away. And it wasn’t like, come on, Ryan. And don’t get me really like so many times I want to yell like, I mean, I think you’re exhausted as parents because they’re spending so much time trying not to yell, but by the end of the day, we’re so tired.

 

00;27;16;22 – 00;27;17;01

Kaylee

Right?

 

00;27;17;07 – 00;27;37;17

Dr. Mona

You’re like, oh my gosh, I just want to like, be like, how come you’re not listening? Right? But we tend to have restraint claps after our child goes to sleep because we’re trying to keep it together for the entire day with them too. Yeah. And so recognizing that, that our feelings in those moments are completely normal and, you know, getting through that, whatever that boundary is, I would try to be very consistent.

 

00;27;37;17 – 00;27;52;27

Dr. Mona

So if you think that your boundary is clean up is important to you, that is something that’s very important for our family too. That before Ryan goes to sleep, I want him to see that we are cleaning up before he leaves that room, because I want him to know that this is something that we do in the house, right?

 

00;27;53;00 – 00;28;15;22

Dr. Mona

That mommy’s not going to clean after you go to bed, that you’re going to clean with me. And sometimes it means he doesn’t like it. Sometimes it means I have to walk him and I playfully, like, hold his arms. And, you know, I make funny sounds and I’m like, let’s go. And yeah, I do that. But that’s the boundary that we decided that was extremely important to our family because I again, I want him to realize that clean up is a good part of the household.

 

00;28;15;22 – 00;28;16;08

Dr. Mona

Right.

 

00;28;16;10 – 00;28;35;23

Kaylee

I’m glad you mentioned that. That’s the joke in our houses. Oh, mommy’s going to take up Lachlan’s room like I clean it up when he’s hanging out with his dad at the end of the day, and it’s kind of, I guess in a way, it adds to my frustration because I’m like, yes, fully capable of doing this. But then I had that like moment in time where I’m like, I just don’t want to fight, you know?

 

00;28;35;23 – 00;28;47;17

Kaylee

I don’t want to mess here that no, I don’t want to clean up or you clean it up or just whatever it is that day. And it’s like, it’s comforting to know that if I just hold the boundary, it’ll be okay.

 

00;28;47;20 – 00;29;03;28

Dr. Mona

Yeah. And the thing is, if we let a three year old control that boundary, right. Let’s just say he says, no, mommy, I’m not cleaning, okay? That’s your boundary cleaning is the boundary. Correct? So if we let the three year old control the boundary and he is not cleaning, we have now reinforced that, okay, this wasn’t an important boundary.

 

00;29;03;28 – 00;29;21;20

Dr. Mona

And it’s okay if you don’t clean. So what is so important if that boundary is important to you and your partner. And that’s why it’s so important to self-reflect on your childhood and also have a conversation with your partner on what boundaries are so important to you as a couple and in your household. Because other families could be listening to this and they’re like, yeah, it’s not a big deal.

 

00;29;21;20 – 00;29;37;26

Dr. Mona

If he doesn’t clean up. It is important to my family. That’s why I’m having this conversation with you, that you could have another boundary, that I’ll be like, oh, that’s not a big deal to us, but that is your family. You get to decide that boundaries are important to you and stick to that to the best of your energy and ability.

 

00;29;37;26 – 00;29;55;09

Dr. Mona

Because I get it. Some days you’re like, I don’t want the fight, but that’s 20% hopefully of the time that you don’t stick to the boundary. We want to try to create consistency because we know he’s capable. I know he’s capable. You just told me he is. But he’s choosing not to because he wants to assert his control and his kids are wild.

 

00;29;55;11 – 00;30;14;04

Dr. Mona

They’re going to do that. And we are smart. They are very smart, but we are much smarter in knowing and approaching it from a way that’s not, you know, anything more than you’re just being a kid who is trying to learn about boundaries. I am being your parent that loves you so much, and just because you don’t like this boundary doesn’t mean you don’t love me, right?

 

00;30;14;04 – 00;30;27;19

Dr. Mona

Because I think what happens is when they start to reset or we feel like, oh, like you said earlier, oh, well, you know, he didn’t like it or, you know, he didn’t want to do it. We feel bad, but yeah, that boundary is a healthy boundary. Cleaning up is a healthy boundary. I mean, taking a shower is healthy boundaries.

 

00;30;27;23 – 00;30;44;14

Dr. Mona

You’re doing everything out of love and for the betterment of the whole. Right? Not. Yeah. The things you’re saying is detrimental to a child. It’s actually building the child’s ability to clean up after themselves, take a shower, clean themselves. Like all things that I look I love and value as someone who loves children and obviously loves discussing parenting.

 

00;30;44;14 – 00;30;49;20

Dr. Mona

So really want to normalize that and applaud you for doing all the things that you’re doing so well.

 

00;30;49;22 – 00;31;11;21

Kaylee

I think at the core of it, it’s definitely what you said, and I’m glad we had this conversation, was it’s you feel almost bad for not allowing them to say no and letting them make that decision, you know, like, no, I don’t want to do that. Well, I respect that. You know how to say no. Yes. Like at the same time, I have to uphold the boundary in our family and teach them what that means.

 

00;31;11;28 – 00;31;24;16

Kaylee

And in the same way, I’m teaching him how to respect me and his father, I want to teach him how to respect our house and our relationships and our home and things like that, and we forget that and day to day lives.

 

00;31;24;18 – 00;31;41;20

Dr. Mona

100%. And I again, I love having these conversations with all of you to kind of normalize the feelings that we feel as parents, which is what we did, and also normalize child development and not give them a pass. Because yes, I know you’re not going to use the timer forever, but I don’t, you know, people too often talk about this being a phase.

 

00;31;41;24 – 00;31;58;09

Dr. Mona

I think it is a phase. But I also think there are things that we can do, like we’ve already discussed in this conversation. So it doesn’t become a permanent phase. It doesn’t become the new normal in your household. Because I think that is also another important concept when we say, oh yeah, he’s just a three year old. Or if you use that term, brain ager, right?

 

00;31;58;09 – 00;32;17;21

Dr. Mona

Yes. Those things are very valid and very common, but there are ways to say, I’m not going to make this a permanent thing, that you are going to just throw your toys and never clean up after yourself. And I’m going to create this sort of understanding in our home that this is important. I’m not going to get, you know, riled up about it as much as I can.

 

00;32;17;25 – 00;32;27;19

Dr. Mona

And that is what I think you’re going to make the biggest breakthroughs with this whole experience. And what would be some of the, I guess, take home points of this conversation then for you that you’re like, oh, yeah, I’m going to start doing that tomorrow.

 

00;32;27;22 – 00;32;45;17

Kaylee

I think one of the biggest for me is realizing that we all act a certain way, I suppose, during the day, and I’m glad that you had brought that up. Is that like we put up this front, you know, for our coworkers and then our home is our comfort. Like, I’m one of those people who loves being at home.

 

00;32;45;17 – 00;33;08;23

Kaylee

So I kind of let it all out when I get home. And that’s probably part of my frustration with them. And so being able to allow myself space to, work through that when I get home from my work day and then also allowing him space to work through that because his teachers do talk really well about him.

 

00;33;08;23 – 00;33;24;29

Kaylee

Yeah. So I know that he’s like keeping something in while he’s there. And as much as it’s so frustrating that he listens to them and not me giving him that space to work through that and not getting so upset about it, I think that’s going to be really important for us.

 

00;33;25;02 – 00;33;49;24

Dr. Mona

And I know, you know, going back to the first thing that I mentioned, I know you know that Locklin is a great quote unquote kid. And what the school sees, I know you see, too. But we see as parents, we see the other stuff. The more meltdowns, all the stuff because of the class that I mentioned. But that is why that highlighting the right and always trying to really remember the good things that Locklin does when you go to bed each night.

 

00;33;49;27 – 00;34;07;19

Dr. Mona

One thing that I really advise and I always tell, you know, on my Instagram and other podcasts are recordings that I’ve done every night before you go to bed. I also have had those days where Ryan drives me up a wall and I’m like, oh my God, I’m just so tapped out like, I’m so tired. Yet of all the meltdowns, the nose, especially as he approaches two and a half, right?

 

00;34;07;19 – 00;34;33;10

Dr. Mona

It’s getting very, very pleasant. But I always write. I actually write in my diary and I write something really great about that child. Right? Like, what do I really love about Ryan? Because of course we all love our children. We do. But I want us to go to bed putting it out into writing or into the world that I love Ryan so much because of X, Y, and Z, so that will always stick in our brain versus the ten minute meltdown versus the, you know, stubbornness.

 

00;34;33;10 – 00;34;45;09

Dr. Mona

Because all of these things, like you said, are qualities that we also possess. So we could do a whole episode on how a child who mirrors your personality traits is going to be more frustrating to you. It’s I know.

 

00;34;45;09 – 00;34;46;11

Kaylee

That, yeah.

 

00;34;46;11 – 00;34;53;19

Dr. Mona

I mean, absolutely, if you see yourself in that child, you’re gonna be like, dang, I like, how do I know? Yes, I don’t I don’t like this about myself.

 

00;34;53;19 – 00;34;54;27

Kaylee

Like, I know I’m seeing.

 

00;34;54;27 – 00;35;18;05

Dr. Mona

It in a pint sized version of myself. Right. But it’s also important in this whole psychology, parenting, like how we approach our past, ourselves and the moment. Yeah, so much more than what our child is doing. It’s how we approach it and that mentality. And I think, you know, I think that’s going to really change, how you approach every night now, does it mean that he’s not going to, you know, or it doesn’t mean that he’s going to do everything perfectly and clean up tomorrow.

 

00;35;18;05 – 00;35;30;10

Dr. Mona

But I think the levity in all of this is going to really help us kind of make it that this is what we’re doing. And I love you. And, you know, I know you don’t love what I’m telling you to do, but I really do love you. And I know you’re always going to remember that when I give you a good night kiss every night.

 

00;35;30;12 – 00;35;53;15

Kaylee

Yeah. As you were saying that, I just thought, like, I’m able to go to therapy. He’s not. So it I know to give him the space to feel his feelings and it’s okay. But we still have boundaries. And that’s okay too, because I, you know, I wish somebody had taught me boundaries when I was younger. So yes, I’m super glad that we were able to talk through this.

 

00;35;53;15 – 00;35;59;08

Kaylee

And I feel ten times better after a meltdown earlier. So thank you.

 

00;35;59;11 – 00;36;03;24

Dr. Mona

Yes, we’re all in this together. Thank you so much, Kaylee, for joining me today.

 

00;36;03;27 – 00;36;06;21

Kaylee

Thanks for having me. It was so great to chat.

 

00;36;06;23 – 00;36;07;20

Dr. Mona

I really.

 

00;36;07;20 – 00;36;08;12

Dr. Mona

Loved this.

 

00;36;08;12 – 00;36;28;05

Dr. Mona

Conversation with Kaylee. I think it’s so important to not only hear tips in parenting, but also to hear why things frustrate us, why we may feel disrespected because I think it can add relatability to the parenting journey and also lead to more breakthroughs at the end of every Monday morning. So, Doctor Moana episode I tie the episode in with three parenting principles.

 

00;36;28;08 – 00;36;49;23

Dr. Mona

These principles can be applied to other parenting scenarios, but the first thing I wanted to talk about in this situation of feeling disrespect and setting boundaries with a three year old, number one self-reflection. It’s so important to reflect on why we may feel disrespected or feel a certain way. Like I mentioned with Kaylee, we have to look back in our childhood.

 

00;36;49;23 – 00;37;08;23

Dr. Mona

We have to look back at the things that make us tick in order for us to understand why we feel the way that we do. I find that a lot of parenting can actually be very straightforward, but our emotions are frustrations. Our insecurities can sort of cloud our judgment and make us feel like we’re not doing a great job.

 

00;37;08;25 – 00;37;31;01

Dr. Mona

Boundary setting as an entity is actually quite simple, but when our child starts to cry, when they start to throw a tantrum, when they say no, no, no, rightfully we feel bad. We feel upset. We feel like Kaylee mentioned, am I doing everything right? So it’s important to self-reflect on why we may feel this way. When you start to self-reflect, you’re going to start to notice that you have more self insight.

 

00;37;31;07 – 00;37;49;20

Dr. Mona

You have more humility, and you have more vulnerability and understanding that you are doing the best you can in this journey as a parent. Number two, highlighting the right I mentioned this with Kaylee, how important it is to highlight the good things that your child is doing. It’s so easy for us to get caught up in them. My child doesn’t listen.

 

00;37;49;20 – 00;38;05;26

Dr. Mona

They don’t do this. They don’t do this. But we know that our child does do things really great. Sometimes. It may not be all the time, but I want you to really start to recognize that not only with the child and say, hey, I really noticed that you put away your toys. It’s really great that you put away your toys.

 

00;38;05;26 – 00;38;34;11

Dr. Mona

It’s really helpful for the home, but also at the end of your day, it’s very easy when you have a child, especially a toddler, for you to go through your day and just feel so tapped out or burned out. And at the end of every night, whether it’s writing in a journal, whether it’s talking to your partner or a friend, or just really reflecting on the day, I want you to highlight the right things that your child did for you, the fact that they did listen, or the fact that they, you know, love hanging out with you and love spending time with you because that programs our brain to remember the good.

 

00;38;34;17 – 00;38;52;28

Dr. Mona

And that way we can also work through the not so easy and the last tip, and of course, I have many more principles that could apply to this situation. Keep it playful. I mentioned with Kaylee that when you go upstairs for the bedtime routine, anytime your child is upset, it’s okay to add a little bit of humor. Now, in this situation, you are not making fun of your child.

 

00;38;52;28 – 00;39;10;17

Dr. Mona

There’s a difference between being playful and humorous and also making fun of your kid. So you’re not going to. If your kid’s crying, you’re not going to go where, when? When you’re crying, you’re crying. You’re going to make it playful and just tickle them or go upstairs like a monster. Like I mentioned, you are going to bring the fun into a hard situation.

 

00;39;10;20 – 00;39;30;29

Dr. Mona

Levity really helps connect with children. They like to be funny, they like to be goofy. And sometimes we need to add that as well, especially if they’re upset. And like I mentioned to Kaylee, humor is a great coping skill, so it’s something that is not distraction from their emotions. They are allowed to feel upset, but you need to move to your boundary.

 

00;39;31;02 – 00;39;48;06

Dr. Mona

And if they’re upset rather than, you know, dragging them and being upset as you move to the next phase of a routine, you are going to add levity to the situation, and you’re going to start to see changes just by changing the mood in your home. Thank you so much for joining me today. I hope you enjoyed this episode.

 

00;39;48;11 – 00;40;00;00

Dr. Mona

As always, if you loved this episode or the podcast in general, make sure you leave a review and a rating and share it on your Instagram stories and tag me. And I can’t wait to talk to another parent next week.