On this Monday Mornings with Dr. Mona Episode, I welcome Shradha on to discuss that very common feeling of mommy guilt—especially when you want to spend it on yourself and you didn’t spend much time with your child.

We discuss:

• Why this guilt is so common
• How to reframe when you are feeling these guilty feelings
• Prioritizing Quality over quantity with your child and how to do this

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00;00;00;00 – 00;00;24;22

Dr. Mona

And I think we all can agree that we’re all just trying to do our best with the resources we have, which means the time that we have, whether we are working outside the home, inside the home, stay at home mom, whatever it is, we’re all trying to just do our best to provide our children with the engagement and resources while also simultaneously managing our needs, our mental health and everything that we have to get done.

 

00;00;24;29 – 00;00;37;14

Dr. Mona

And that is the balancing act. I think we can all agree of motherhood that how do I balance this all without losing myself in the process? So I’m sure you can agree with that.

 

00;00;37;16 – 00;01;00;06

Dr. Mona

Hello and welcome back to the show. I am Doctor Mona and the PedsDocTalk podcast continues to grow because of you and your reviews. So thank you for tuning in and being here today. On this episode of Monday Mornings with Doctor Mona, I am talking with Shradha, who is a mom of a three year old, and she struggles with feelings of guilt, spending time on herself as a mom.

 

00;01;00;06 – 00;01;15;28

Dr. Mona

She works outside the home and she struggles with finding time for herself, finding time for her child, and feeling guilty when she wants to spend time on her own interests and on herself. So tune in to the conversation. Oh.

 

00;01;16;01 – 00;01;22;16

Dr. Mona

Hey sugar, thank you so much for joining me on today’s show. Tell me what’s on your mind today as a mom.

 

00;01;22;19 – 00;01;43;02

Shradha

Hi, I’m a lawyer and I’m working full time. I have a three year old son and my workers are crazy. Like, I work for almost ten hours a day. So even when I get some free time for myself, I feel guilty that I’m doing it on me and not spending time with my son, which I should. As for the standard norms.

 

00;01;43;19 – 00;01;44;23

Dr. Mona

So yes.

 

00;01;44;26 – 00;01;47;16

Shradha

That’s a little bit. Which worries me a lot.

 

00;01;47;18 – 00;02;03;09

Dr. Mona

Oh yeah. So you’re feeling this? The very common feeling that a lot of us, I think, can relate to that. When you want to spend time with your son, that sometimes you want to actually have that time to yourself, and then when you actually do spend time on yourself, you feel guilty for not spending it with your son.

 

00;02;03;12 – 00;02;04;02

Shradha

Correct?

 

00;02;04;05 – 00;02;21;14

Dr. Mona

Oh yes, I feel that. And by the way, I’m just so grateful to connect with you on this, conversation today, especially because I know you are international. So we’re recording this, you know, eight what, almost ten hours apart. So it’s morning where I am at in Florida, and it’s, you know, you’re in India, so thank you.

 

00;02;21;14 – 00;02;43;14

Dr. Mona

I love that this show has reached so many people internationally. And the other comment I have is that I love getting to have people who are abroad on the show and on my platform, because I like to remind everyone listening how even if we’re in different parts of the world, we all have very similar situations and similar feelings in regards to motherhood in regards to guilt.

 

00;02;43;17 – 00;02;47;09

Dr. Mona

So I love having this connection with you. So thank you for joining me.

 

00;02;47;11 – 00;02;49;05

Shradha

Thank you. Thank you for having me.

 

00;02;49;07 – 00;03;09;05

Dr. Mona

And what has been, I guess, the hardest aspect of this issue. Like do you feel like it’s place guilt? Do you get external commentary like, hey, should I why are you not spending time with your son? Or where do you think it’s coming from? This sort of feeling that you feel that you’re not spending enough time with your child, or that you feel guilty spending time on yourself?

 

00;03;09;22 – 00;03;38;24

Shradha

So basically, out of the seasons, I’m working full time. I have a nanny at home, and, she’s there throughout the day with us. And the minute we are home, she leaves like my husband’s also working, but luckily he has a few days of work from home, so he’s still at home to twice a week. And, so, you know, whenever I come home, it’s like, oh, my son doesn’t want to let the nanny go, you know, so that that probably, you know, triggers a little bit more in that way.

 

00;03;38;26 – 00;04;02;00

Shradha

I’m here now, you know, you can just let it go, you know, sometimes, like, I’m glad that he’s, bonded with him, so. Well, you’re right. But, you know, that part comes in that. Okay, fine. I think I’m not spending enough time, so, like, you know, on weekends or something, I try and do things with him. But, you know, there are certain times when, you know, you want to just go with your girlfriends or, you know, just be by yourself, read a book, probably just go have a coffee.

 

00;04;02;02 – 00;04;13;26

Shradha

You know, those points, then I feel okay these days. Also, I’m not spending with him and I could. And then I think that, you know, how is he so attached to the nanny? So I think it’s more of an internal thing than an external factor.

 

00;04;13;28 – 00;04;35;03

Dr. Mona

Well, I’m happy I’m actually happy to hear that, because that’s much more, in a way, easy to handle, because that’s us changing how we approach the situation and our mindset towards the situation versus the very real reality. When there’s some external noise, whether it’s a partner or your, you know, mother in law, father in law or your own parents saying, hey, you need to do this or that, right?

 

00;04;35;03 – 00;05;03;03

Dr. Mona

Like the judgment that comes when you’re just trying to do your best. And I think we all can agree that we’re all just trying to do our best with the resources we have, which means the time that we have, whether we are working outside the home, inside the home, stay at home mom, whatever it is, we’re all trying to just do our best to provide our children with the engagement and resources while also simultaneously managing our needs, our mental health and everything that we have to get done.

 

00;05;03;09 – 00;05;29;12

Dr. Mona

And that is the balancing act. I think we can all agree of motherhood that how do I balance this all without losing myself in the process? So I’m sure you can agree with that. Direct, correct? Yeah. And I think one of the biggest things I want to remind you about what you mentioned about the nanny especially, I find that if you are working outside the home and you have that guilt of, you know, I’m not spending enough time with my child, and then I come home and they cry because the nanny is leaving.

 

00;05;29;12 – 00;05;46;06

Dr. Mona

And what about me? Like, I’m here, like I’m going to be with you. Like, you know, it’s it can be some sort of like, oh, man. Like, they love them so much, but is it because I’m not spending enough time? I like to reframe that a little bit. And, you know, for all of my listeners on the show and especially you, that I went through that too.

 

00;05;46;06 – 00;06;06;22

Dr. Mona

You know, when Ryan was an infant, I worked outside the home. It was a pandemic, and I was working full time at that point. I have now cut down my schedule, and I had a nanny, and my son was like 4 or 5 months at that time. You know, we only get a few months maternity leave here. And I saw how much he loved her, meaning he would, you know, when he became like seven, eight months, nine months.

 

00;06;06;28 – 00;06;32;27

Dr. Mona

He would also like, want to crawl to her and be with her. And instead of looking at as well, he loves her more than me, or I’m not connecting with him as much in my head. And it’s a reality. I said, hey, we are so grateful that we have this other adult in our son’s life that he also trusts and love and is helping me so that I can pursue my dreams of being a pediatrician or whatever I want to do.

 

00;06;33;02 – 00;06;59;27

Dr. Mona

And then I reframe it like that’s the I don’t hold that guilt of I’m not spending enough time, I’m not doing enough, but rather focusing on what is happening. Right? That my son is making connections. He’s getting comfortable with someone that’s not me. He obviously loves me and he’ll spend time with me, but that’s the first aspect I want to talk about based on that comment you mentioned is really celebrating the fact that, oh gosh, I’m so glad I have a nanny, and it’s great that he feels bonded to her.

 

00;06;59;27 – 00;07;18;25

Dr. Mona

And then now when she leaves, we’re going to obviously now discuss like the the very real reality of having to go from work or something else that you’re doing to now taking care of your child when you just want a break. Totally reasonable. But I think the first step in really reframing our approach is how we look at the people in our children’s life.

 

00;07;18;27 – 00;07;39;02

Dr. Mona

Whenever I feel guilty that I’m not spending enough time with my son, I always remember, okay, although I may not be spending time with him because I am working or because I am at the gym, or because I am, like you said, going out with your girlfriends. Because that may happen. Who is my child with when they’re not with me?

 

00;07;39;04 – 00;08;03;07

Dr. Mona

They are with someone that is trusted by me, who I also hopefully love and, you know, like to have in my home and who they also can learn to connect with. So I look at it as a blessing of having those people in our life, because those are the people that are also going to help us get our free time, right, like get the time we need so that we can fill our cup so that we can in turn be with our children fully.

 

00;08;03;15 – 00;08;22;21

Dr. Mona

And that’s like a huge thing, right? Like one thing I always like to remind mothers when they come in my office and feel that guilt is we have to fill our needs. And as a parent, and especially as a mother, that doesn’t mean that you’re going to get to do everything that you did pre-baby your pre child. I mean, that’s a reality, but it is saying, you know what, this is really important to me.

 

00;08;22;21 – 00;08;41;29

Dr. Mona

Going out with my girlfriends once a week is something that I really want to prioritize for my well-being, because when I prioritize my well-being, then I’m going to be more present, more engaged, rather than getting into that humdrum cycle of, okay, now I have to play with my child and I don’t get an outlet and I don’t have someone to chat.

 

00;08;42;02 – 00;08;56;02

Dr. Mona

That is my peer. And I can’t, you know, work out or I can’t do the things that make me whole so that I can come back to my child and give them 100% of my time, you know? And that’s a huge thing that really you have to reframe. And when you look at this whole situation.

 

00;08;56;04 – 00;09;15;05

Shradha

Right, right, probably. But then how much is like, you know, enough time, how do you figure that out then? You know, that’s like something, you know, okay, fine, I do the bedtime, I do the bath time. So, you know, dressing for school, all that I do. But then how much is enough? Like, obviously for him he wants complete me.

 

00;09;15;05 – 00;09;29;21

Shradha

He sometimes says, why do you want to go to work now. Does he go? You stay at home. So you know how how do you how do you get over that? How do you figure out this is this much I’ve done? I think this is what I can do. You know how to draw that line, you know, where do we draw it out?

 

00;09;29;29 – 00;09;30;16

Shradha

You know, that is.

 

00;09;30;16 – 00;09;53;14

Dr. Mona

A great question. And, you know, I at this point of this conversation, I work 40 to 50 hours a week, and a lot of it is at home. Right? So yes, I’m physically in the house, but our son goes to school, he goes to preschool. And he actually we have created a understanding in our home and a very matter of fact situation of hey, mommy is working and when mommy is done working, we are going to play, right?

 

00;09;53;14 – 00;10;16;12

Dr. Mona

We are going to play, and it’s your time with mommy. And when you talk about how much time is enough, it really comes down to quality of time versus quantity of time. Of course, I would love to give our children every waking hour that we can, but if you are giving your child every waking hour that you have, but it’s only 10% of what you are, that’s not quality time, right?

 

00;10;16;13 – 00;10;37;20

Dr. Mona

Let’s just say you are so tired and burnt out and you’re just kind of half distant, and they want to play with you and you’re just looking out the window or thinking about everything else. That’s not quality. So what I, what I really like to do. So when I work, I actually schedule in to my day, and it’s not always possible, but as much as I can, I schedule in some debrief time.

 

00;10;37;20 – 00;11;15;23

Dr. Mona

So meaning some time for myself to switch gears. Right. So I go from mom mode or to to doctor mode or work mode or vice versa. And so just say I have something scheduled till four and I’m done at like 430 for ten 15 minutes, 20 minutes, like nothing more than 20 minutes, maybe even shorter. I just either listen to music, I decompress, I just take a moment for myself not doing work, not being with my son, and just really just doing something for myself in mental peace so I can switch the gears to go and now be on mom mode so that I’m giving more quality time than I am.

 

00;11;15;23 – 00;11;37;25

Dr. Mona

Just distant, distracted time. And what’s really valuable in that is that, I mean, there’s some days where I only spend 5 p.m. till bedtime with Ryan, meaning, you know, I go downstairs or I go downstairs or he’s home and I play with him, I make dinner, he helps me. And then we do the bedtime. Bedtime? So that’s 2.5 hours of all his great time.

 

00;11;38;02 – 00;11;54;09

Dr. Mona

When you look at the grand scheme that may seem to a person looking outside in that, well, the 2.5 hours when he’s awake for, what, ten hours? That’s not a long time or nine hours whatever with the nap and all that. But it actually is when it’s quality, right? Like this is my time with him or with my husband.

 

00;11;54;09 – 00;12;14;11

Dr. Mona

They’re two or we’re laughing. We’re playing board games at this age. As a three year old at the time of this recording, there is focus that Ryan, this is me and mommy time. This is like family time and you can feel the cup being filled with him, right? He he realizes that, well, okay, mommy was working, but she’s done.

 

00;12;14;18 – 00;12;33;02

Dr. Mona

And now it’s our time together. So it really is about delineating and saying, okay, I have my work mode and I’m going to do it. And then I’m going to also now be in mom mode and making sure that when you move through the modes that you take, it could be to say you’re driving home from work and it takes like five ten minutes to drive home.

 

00;12;33;02 – 00;12;53;18

Dr. Mona

If you work close, it could mean just turning down the music. You know, talking to yourself. Almost like doing like a meditative driving. Make sure your eyes on the road just really taking time for yourself, being nice to yourself and showing some self-compassion for yourself. Before you switch roles. Like, I’m a great mom, I had, you know, the day was really hard, but I’m doing the best that I can.

 

00;12;53;18 – 00;13;12;08

Dr. Mona

I’m going to go home to my child, and we are going to be the best that we can be together. Like, you really want to talk to yourself in a positive way, because when your son says, mommy, why I want mommy to come down. And that’s been my reality too. Or sometimes I’m like, I write a lot for my job and I’ll be writing.

 

00;13;12;08 – 00;13;37;22

Dr. Mona

And then I’m upstairs working and I could hear him with my husband or the nanny. I want mommy, come downstairs. I want mommy downstairs. And it’s so important that the person that’s with your child, if he does say those things, is also very matter of fact and very positive about this too. Oh, you love mommy, don’t you? You know, mommy’s finishing writing for her work or mommy’s finishing work right now, but when she comes downstairs, she’s going to play with you, right?

 

00;13;37;22 – 00;14;01;00

Dr. Mona

And that that sets that expectation for the child that. Okay, I miss my mommy. People recognize that. I miss my mom, but when she comes home, we will spend time together, whether that is two hours, whether that’s bedtime, whatever is for your family, because that’s going to look different. But the importance is resetting in between because you don’t want to go from stress to stress, because that’s what we always do as parents.

 

00;14;01;00 – 00;14;20;06

Dr. Mona

Like stressful day at work. You come home to a tantrum, make child, you yell, you scream. We really want to reset our mind so that we come home and don’t bring the baggage from work, or vice versa. That we don’t bring the baggage from home to our jobs. Right? That is so key if we work. So that is that is so important to have that reset.

 

00;14;20;12 – 00;14;35;27

Dr. Mona

And then to also make sure that the people in your son’s life are talking about this in a positive way, looking at work as a positive in your situation versus a, oh, the work is the reason my mommy can’t spend time with me. No, mommy loves her job or whatever it is. You know, mommy does this and she’s going to.

 

00;14;35;27 – 00;14;53;13

Dr. Mona

She loves you too. We’re going to spend time together. And that is so much of parenting, how we reframe and how we discuss the reality of our situation is how the child will look at it. And even now, Ryan will. Now, it took a while for him to get there because he of course he misses me, but then he’s like, oh, mommy working.

 

00;14;53;16 – 00;15;08;12

Dr. Mona

And so then when I come down, he’s like, oh, mommy, finish work. And I’m like, yes, video finish work. Let’s what do you want to play now? What do you want to do with mommy? He’s like, I just want to sit and read with you or something, whatever he wants to do. And he understood that as adults, we have other responsibilities, right.

 

00;15;08;21 – 00;15;20;05

Dr. Mona

There’s a reality that we’re going to have to work to pay the bills and pursue our passions. But they also understand that when that’s done, then we can spend time. And that’s when it comes down to that quality that I mentioned.

 

00;15;20;07 – 00;15;37;00

Shradha

Yes, yes. Now these days, I’ve started feeling that like how you mentioned that Ryan is able to differentiate. Now. So the same thing today I took off because I have some things to do. So, he just came up to me right now and he was like, mommy, how come you to not go to the office today? Nice.

 

00;15;37;03 – 00;15;55;03

Shradha

I like it’s okay. I took off today. Well, you took it for me. I said, yes, yes, I took it for you. Oh it’s you took it okay. Like. Yeah I took, I took, you know. So you know now he’s understanding that since obviously since he’s growing in everything it’s it does make a difference. But, yeah, what you said is also right.

 

00;15;55;08 – 00;16;27;10

Shradha

The quality of time is more important than the quantity of time. Even I get barely 2 or 3 hours in the day with him. Right. Those two days, if you are completely with them, then they do understand that, yes, this person does love us. It’s it’s not going to be any way other than that because, like I say, I mentioned to you also once that, even though I work so much as I do, he listens to me more than he listens to his father, who is at home like, I don’t want to make him feel bad or.

 

00;16;27;14 – 00;16;28;24

Dr. Mona

Yeah, I understand.

 

00;16;28;27 – 00;16;47;12

Shradha

But, I don’t know the parent preference thing, that I don’t know how he has it in his head. It’s just a three year old, but he has it. He prefers me sometimes. That also takes a toll on you. Like, you know, like when you have a bad day, when you have a stressful day, but you know, you are the person that he goes to when he wants to listen to only me.

 

00;16;47;12 – 00;17;00;07

Shradha

So you know that that thing also comes up. Like my husband says to me a lot of times that I spend more time with him. How is it that he’s listening? Because, you know, that’s something I do not deal with that it’s so interesting.

 

00;17;00;07 – 00;17;18;08

Dr. Mona

And you’re right. I mean, there’s no like, oh, well, the person who spends more time or less time is going to be the one to have the most connection. And it really is also just the child’s preference that can change. Right? There’s going to be maybe in another year your son will want to go to your husband more or your nanny more or something different, right?

 

00;17;18;08 – 00;17;34;22

Dr. Mona

It’s such a flip flop with them. And I have also gone through that, which, you know, my son went through parental preference for me too. And I said the same thing. I’m like, that was when I was, I was working more also like I wasn’t as available and he would want to be around me more. And that could also be what you’re seeing, right?

 

00;17;34;22 – 00;17;50;03

Dr. Mona

Like it makes sense. Like if he doesn’t see you as much when you’re finally at home, he wants to connect with you. You’re now the preferred parent because he wants more of your connection and attention. And that’s not stressful. And I don’t want to say that to make you feel like, oh my God, I have to give him more.

 

00;17;50;03 – 00;18;06;20

Dr. Mona

No, you’re going to give him what you’re able to give. But that makes sense that he sees dad. He’s like, okay, dad’s here or whatever, and maybe there’s some connection that he’s getting from you or wants from you. You have to look at both of those things. So just say you are you are giving quality time. You’re giving the quality time.

 

00;18;06;20 – 00;18;23;06

Dr. Mona

And you know, you have a lot of fun together. Look at it as well. My son loves that quality time. Like I’m a fun mom. And who wouldn’t want to spend time with me? On the flip side, if you like, if you’re not spending time quality, I’m talking about like, those little moments of laughter and and playfulness and, you know, love and compassion.

 

00;18;23;06 – 00;18;52;06

Dr. Mona

And then you’re asking yourself, do I need to change the way I approach this? Right. It’s it’s really figuring out what is your reality there. But none of it should come from a place of, I’m not doing enough. None of it should be that I don’t have this time. And I’m feeling now pressure to do more. It’s really, like I said, about switching the reframe and switching how we approach this as how can I reset myself and give quality and also simultaneously still have and meet the needs I have in my life, right?

 

00;18;52;06 – 00;19;10;04

Dr. Mona

It is possible it’s not. And I mentioned this before. We have to set the expectation that our lives are different after becoming a parent. Like you cannot just go wherever you want, whenever you want. That’s a reality. But I don’t believe it’s on the other extreme that you just have lost every chance of doing anything for yourself, right?

 

00;19;10;04 – 00;19;25;19

Dr. Mona

There is a huge balance. It’s possible. And that could be like, I love actually the days when I work outside the home, which is only one day a week because it, you know, when I drive to work or come back, if I have a nanny or if I have my husband at home, sometimes I’ll just stop and sit in the car for a little bit.

 

00;19;25;19 – 00;19;43;09

Dr. Mona

And just like I said, listen to music or do a little meditation track and just really get to that moment to myself before I get home. And it’s nice. And going back to the first thing that we talked about in this conversation, instead of saying, oh man, I should rush home to get to my son, and I’m a terrible mother, that I didn’t get there in time.

 

00;19;43;09 – 00;20;04;06

Dr. Mona

And, you know, I this is ten less minutes with him. I tell myself I am lucky that I have someone to watch my child, husband, nanny, whatever. And I’m going to take these ten minutes for myself so that when I get home, I have filled my cup enough where I don’t feel overwhelmed, where I love myself and where I feel good, where I can handle all the things that being a parent entails, right?

 

00;20;04;06 – 00;20;23;18

Dr. Mona

The tantrums, the mommy I miss you mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy. Like all of that. And when I started to reframe that and when he when he goes to those, mommy, I miss you, mommy, I love you. Rather than getting frustrated and gosh, like stop, you know, stop. I say, well, I really love you too. If I was in your shoes, I understand why you you love me so much.

 

00;20;23;18 – 00;20;41;14

Dr. Mona

Like I think of it, how much value they put on you, right? Like he loves you. And that’s such a beautiful thing. Like, I think it’s so special that he loves you. I know it’s stressful. I know the parental preference, which I could do in a whole different conversation, can be really hard. But I also want to remind you that, oh man, like that’s a great feeling.

 

00;20;41;14 – 00;21;01;27

Dr. Mona

On the flip side, when they don’t want you, we’re also sad, right? Like there’s really always going to be a moment where you’re like, oh man, why do they want dad? Or why do they want their own? Why do they only want me? But really just taking it as we are doing our best? I have other adults in this house that are going to help me when I need it, and my child will decide and change, and there’s nothing that I will take personally from this.

 

00;21;01;27 – 00;21;12;03

Dr. Mona

It is nothing I’m doing wrong. I always want to prioritize quality and myself whenever I can, but really understanding this new role that we’re in as parents and balancing all of that.

 

00;21;12;06 – 00;21;15;03

Shradha

True, true. Yeah, that makes sense.

 

00;21;15;06 – 00;21;23;15

Dr. Mona

I hope there’s some things that you took from this conversation that are helpful. And one of the biggest things, like I mentioned is really having that compassion for ourselves is.

 

00;21;23;17 – 00;21;44;01

Shradha

Also important is what I felt like, you know, like what you said, that, you know, you you have someone you can rely on. Yes, you are, you know, like like literally in a literal sense, piece of your heart, kind of, you know, so that I have is like a blessing for me right now. But, yeah, I think now it will be better for me.

 

00;21;44;01 – 00;21;49;07

Shradha

Like when I go out, I know that I’m going out so that I recharge myself and come back home.

 

00;21;49;10 – 00;21;49;17

Dr. Mona

Yeah.

 

00;21;49;17 – 00;21;51;28

Shradha

So it’s like that now?

 

00;21;52;01 – 00;22;16;11

Dr. Mona

Oh, yes. And the whole situation here with guilt is especially when it’s internally driven versus someone telling you all the time, like I mentioned earlier, like if it was your partner telling you why this, why this, it’s so much harder to change that situation than it’s internal. So now it is on our control. And that’s why I love this conversation, because it’s all on us to say, like you just said, I am looking at the situation as a good thing.

 

00;22;16;11 – 00;22;33;28

Dr. Mona

I am looking at reframing this entire outlook, that this is not failure. This is not I’m not doing enough. This is me doing what I need to do to fulfill my career. If that’s something you want, if it’s, you know, fulfill my club, see my friends, read a book. Right. Can you read a book when your child’s awakened, no one else is watching them.

 

00;22;34;00 – 00;22;36;06

Dr. Mona

Sure. When they get older. Okay. When they get older.

 

00;22;36;06 – 00;22;36;21

Shradha

Do you have.

 

00;22;36;21 – 00;22;38;12

Dr. Mona

The time? You could also write.

 

00;22;38;12 – 00;22;39;13

Shradha

Oh, it’s not.

 

00;22;39;16 – 00;22;58;01

Dr. Mona

You know. Well, I mean, I’m a I’m a mom of a three year old, too. Like, I totally recognize that I am in a different phase of parenting than, say, a mother of a ten year old. Right? But every phase has its ups and downs, and every phase has a reality of here’s the reality right now, and I’m choosing how I’m going to navigate it.

 

00;22;58;01 – 00;23;15;01

Dr. Mona

But I know from obviously we know friends who have older children that there is going to be a time where you can read with them while you’re reading your book. They’re doing something else on their own, and even starting that a little bit now, you know, three year olds, 4 or 5, you’re going to start to see a little more independence where you can say, I’m going to read a little bit, do you want to read your book, too?

 

00;23;15;04 – 00;23;32;23

Dr. Mona

And obviously they don’t know how to fully read, so they’ll just kind of play with it. And you know, maybe look around and just by them seeing you also take care of yourself in these little ways. And, you know, maybe you do a chore while they’re awake. I hope you do like, you know, don’t leave all the chores around the house or anything task until they go to sleep.

 

00;23;32;23 – 00;23;39;11

Dr. Mona

Like let them see the what you do as an adult. Write that you put the dishes away, or that they’re helping you put the laundry in like.

 

00;23;39;12 – 00;23;55;18

Shradha

You love doing work in the kitchen. He loves, he loves like he’s like, I want to make this. I want to make this. I want to store this. So he he loves helping out in the kitchen, so I don’t I generally do everything in front of him. I like that he knows that it’s not just fun every day, you know?

 

00;23;55;21 – 00;24;06;22

Dr. Mona

And also the reason why that’s so important, as we know, is that I don’t want us to save all the busy tasking work of the home for when it’s our downtime. Like just saying go to bed at like 730 and.

 

00;24;06;22 – 00;24;07;19

Shradha

Say, relax.

 

00;24;07;19 – 00;24;30;12

Dr. Mona

Oh yeah, like I don’t want you to have to be doing like you or your husband having to do dishes and cleaning, like, all that stuff can happen when the kids awake, you know, because that’s not only good for them to see and be a part of for their development. Absolutely. But for us, I mean, let’s talk about taking time for ourselves, because then now you are going to do what I really want you to do to so that we fill your cup is you said you like to read a book, right?

 

00;24;30;12 – 00;24;47;06

Dr. Mona

I want you to really tell yourself for 2023, I want to really start getting more into reading books, and I’m going to put my son to bed, and then I’m going to decompress, maybe like, you know, scroll social media or eat my dinner or whatever it is, what you want to do. And then I’m going to start to really read my book, like, and that’s going to be my time.

 

00;24;47;12 – 00;25;06;07

Dr. Mona

And then the last thing I want to mention is don’t sometimes what we do is we we tend to go to sleep late because we didn’t have enough time for ourself. Right? Meaning you stay up to 1112 because. Yes, because the guilt the guilt is there, right? Because you, you you now that it’s okay, I didn’t do anything for myself.

 

00;25;06;07 – 00;25;26;13

Dr. Mona

So I’m just going to do four hours of stuff for myself and then I’m going to sacrifice sleep. I want us to also normalize that sleep. And getting good sleep for us is part of self-love. Is part of spending time on yourself like, do not stay up till midnight bingeing TV shows when you know you have to be up at 637 and your body needs seven hours of sleep.

 

00;25;26;13 – 00;25;45;25

Dr. Mona

Like you need to really remember that sleep is part of that self-love self-care. That taking care of yourself, right? And it may not seem fun, but oh, we know how beneficial it is. Like sleep is like, I see this all the time. I’m a I do it as well. But I’ve really tried to prioritize like, no, if you need seven hours sleep on it, which is what I need.

 

00;25;46;01 – 00;26;04;01

Dr. Mona

I need to shut everything off. I’m not going to stay up just because I didn’t have enough time for myself on the whole day taking care of Ryan. I’m going to shut it down and we’re going to move on with our day and, you know, do what we need to do and get to bed on time, because it is very important that we we don’t sacrifice sleep in a means of taking time for ourself.

 

00;26;04;01 – 00;26;10;18

Dr. Mona

Right? Doing the book, reading the TV, watching the things that fill our cup. The sleep also fills that cup.

 

00;26;10;20 – 00;26;21;25

Shradha

I you know, I can totally agree to that because there was a time when I couldn’t get any time to myself, so I had to stay awake in the night. No, just rolling on the phone endlessly.

 

00;26;21;27 – 00;26;22;07

Dr. Mona

I know.

 

00;26;22;07 – 00;26;45;25

Shradha

And then the next morning I used to regret that decision. So now you know, when I’ve stopped doing that, I’m like, no, I have to sleep. So, you know, following, I don’t know a lot of people like Jay Shetty also for that matter, you know. No, no, social media or no television one hour prior to sleep, you know that actually does help because your mind otherwise is preoccupied.

 

00;26;45;25 – 00;26;52;11

Shradha

You know, I have it. This person is doing this. That person is doing that. You are not with yourself. If you’re on social media all the time.

 

00;26;52;11 – 00;26;53;03

Dr. Mona

100%.

 

00;26;53;09 – 00;27;05;06

Shradha

Just switching off the phones and TV for an hour before sleep actually helps. And you know, it’s really beneficial. You actually get to sleep on time. You wake up refreshed, and you don’t regret that you haven’t slept with.

 

00;27;05;08 – 00;27;22;24

Dr. Mona

The cell phone. Situation is key. Like I actually I want to be in bed by 11, because I wake up at like 645, like, that’s enough when I say bed by 11, like, you know, shower. I like, take a shower and then I like to be my head hitting the pillow by 1115 at the latest so that I’m falling asleep and get my seven whatever hours.

 

00;27;23;06 – 00;27;38;19

Dr. Mona

But that means I put, like, an, on an iPhone. You can do like a Do Not disturb or basically like a blackout on your phone. So turning off all access to the apps at 1030. So 1030, I don’t get any access to my apps. I can obviously unlock it, but it takes you have to hit a button to do that.

 

00;27;38;23 – 00;28;06;08

Dr. Mona

So I’m like, okay, this is my cue that I’m no longer allowed on my phone. And then, you know, I do my wind down. And you’re right. And then I also journal before bedtime and I write stuff like, you just we’re just chatting about this whole episode. I write things that either I feel angst about. I feel stressed about anything that’s like that uneasy feeling I write on paper, and I just make sure that I write all of it down, and I say something to reframe the situation, or I say something that I’m learning from the situation.

 

00;28;06;13 – 00;28;22;24

Dr. Mona

Right? Like when my dog was super sick, I was very stressed and it’s stressing me out because of the accents. All over in my little journal, I would write child Sick. It’s really hard for us right now. I’m just so grateful that he’s doing better. I’m so grateful to have him as a dog, like he’s so sweet and he’s so loving.

 

00;28;23;09 – 00;28;40;10

Dr. Mona

We’ll get through this and I’m going to learn to be able to handle, you know, a sick dog and a toddler and all of this. Like, I’m getting stronger through this, and it’s a not a bad thing. Right. And that really also helps with this whole guilt aspect. I don’t want you to ever go to bed feeling like you didn’t do enough for your child or yourself.

 

00;28;40;10 – 00;28;58;00

Dr. Mona

Okay, I want you to really look at all the things that you did at the. When you lay your head on that pillow you want to think of. I did great today. I did the best I could, even if it was a really hard day. I survived, and I’m here and I’m doing everything I need because that is what’s going to really take the energy day to day today.

 

00;28;58;00 – 00;29;00;04

Dr. Mona

So I think that’s going to really help too.

 

00;29;00;07 – 00;29;16;20

Shradha

Yes, yes, maintaining a journal really helps that that I agree with because, you know, you get to know how your day was and the next day, if you want to figure out what went wrong, you can just go back to it and, you know, just went to, you know, the next day, you know, it it is being helpful.

 

00;29;16;20 – 00;29;17;20

Shradha

Yes, yes.

 

00;29;17;25 – 00;29;37;04

Dr. Mona

Oh, sure. That I’m so glad that we could chat today. And I hope these tips and just even just talking about it, I’m sure, is always a nice relief. You know, I have a lot of parents, mostly moms, coming on the podcast, and I find that just the, understanding that we’re not alone and the talking back and forth, I again, I just love that we can do this.

 

00;29;37;04 – 00;29;39;04

Dr. Mona

So thank you for joining me today.

 

00;29;39;06 – 00;29;43;28

Shradha

Thank you. Thank you so much.

 

00;29;44;00 – 00;30;06;09

Dr. Mona

Just to wrap up this conversation, I want to take this home with three principles that me and father talked about in regards to when we’re feeling guilty, spending time on ourselves as mothers first is that reframe. Make sure you reframe the situation, whether it is who is spending time with your children, what you’re providing your child. That reframe is going to really help you in managing that guilt.

 

00;30;06;11 – 00;30;30;11

Dr. Mona

Have that self-compassion, self-compassion saying, I’m doing my best. I’m providing my child with what they need. I’m doing what I can with the resources I have, and also take those many little breaks. Whether you’re switching from mom mode to going to work mode, you really want to make sure that you have those five minutes, ten minutes, 15 minutes to yourself to just reset so you can switch back and forth as you need.

 

00;30;30;13 – 00;30;38;26

Dr. Mona

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you love this episode or the entire show, make sure you leave a review and I can’t wait to talk to another parent next time.