On this episode of Monday Mornings with Dr. Mona, I welcome Lauren to chat about her toddler son who acts out more when she’s home from work. We discuss:

• Why tantrums are more triggering after a long day
• Why children may act this way after seeing you after a long period away
• How to navigate these moments

 

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00;00;00;00 – 00;00;21;23

Dr. Mona

And they obviously are learning about us and about, you know, what the patterns are in the daily life, and we’re responsible to kind of be the ones to kind of go through the patterns of the daily routine, explain to them what’s happening, and just kind of be ready and calm for the big feelings, which is really hard. After a long, busy day at work.

 

00;00;21;25 – 00;00;52;02

Dr. Mona

Welcome back to the show. I am Doctor Mona and thank you for joining me each and every week. Remember to keep leaving those reviews if you have not already. This helps the show continue to grow and continue to reach more parents out there. On this episode of Monday Mornings with Doctor Mona, I welcome a mom from the PDT community, Lauren, and she’s asking all about why my child is acting up more when I’m home from work, and also how to navigate this really real situation.

 

00;00;52;08 – 00;00;56;11

Dr. Mona

So make sure you tune in to the conversation.

 

00;00;56;13 – 00;01;00;12

Dr. Mona

Hey, Lauren, so tell me what is on your mind today as a mom?

 

00;01;00;14 – 00;01;22;07

Lauren

Oh well, I work outside the home. I do work in a hospital setting, so I do have shift work. And I’ve been noticing. I was excited to go back to work. I was ready to go back to work, but I work long days, and I, when I get home or the day after, whenever the shift ends, when I see my three year old, there is some more acting out, you know, undesirable behaviors.

 

00;01;22;07 – 00;01;29;25

Lauren

And it’s really been difficult not to take it personally or think that it’s my fault or I don’t know that it’s me.

 

00;01;29;27 – 00;01;45;09

Dr. Mona

So I hear you. I’m sure a lot of our listeners can relate to this comment about if you do work outside the home or you go for a trip or whatever, you leave your child and you come back and all of a sudden they’re like a different kid. You’re like, what’s going on? Like meltdowns, tantrums, asking, whining, pleading.

 

00;01;45;09 – 00;01;50;22

Dr. Mona

Like all the words and terminology that every toddler goes through. And you said your child is three years old, right?

 

00;01;50;24 – 00;01;53;10

Lauren

Yes. He’s. Yeah. Yes.

 

00;01;53;12 – 00;02;07;01

Dr. Mona

They’re separate from you. But also they love your connection and attention, which is very common for children. What has been the most I guess you kind of mentioned it already, but if you could kind of put into words the hardest aspect of this issue, or most frustrating, if you will.

 

00;02;07;03 – 00;02;22;06

Lauren

Yeah, no, absolutely. It’s funny because I don’t think it’s about my son at all. I think it’s about me personally, like taking that on. And I don’t know, this is my first child, so maybe I have a lot to learn. I know I have a lot to learn, but okay, I want to work. I wanted to be out of the house.

 

00;02;22;06 – 00;02;39;11

Lauren

I love what I do, but like, should I be home more? Should I cut back on hours? You know, is my being out of the house directly affecting his behavior or is he just a toddler? It’s really hard. It’s really hard to not take it personally and take that on. Even though a lot of parents work.

 

00;02;39;13 – 00;02;54;02

Dr. Mona

And you do a lot of parents work, but it is an internal thing. And I was going to ask that. I was going to say like, does it come from you or do you also hear from other people in your life, whether it’s like passive comments from family members or your partner, like in terms of the behavior, and oh, it’s because you work.

 

00;02;54;02 – 00;02;58;05

Dr. Mona

Do you get that ever from anyone external? You don’t have to tell me who. But like just in general.

 

00;02;58;08 – 00;03;02;02

Lauren

Yeah. No, not really. Kind of thankfully. Right. Yeah.

 

00;03;02;03 – 00;03;03;01

Dr. Mona

Thankfully. Yeah.

 

00;03;03;04 – 00;03;21;05

Lauren

Kind of the opposite I think sometimes too, when it’s not a belittling that makes it sound worse, but it’s like everybody works and kids are fine and kids are resilient. And it’s like, yes, that’s true. And thankfully kids are so resilient. It doesn’t change the way that it feels. Yeah, for me as a parent and as a first time mom.

 

00;03;21;08 – 00;03;27;01

Lauren

And so now, thankfully, there’s nothing external coming in. I’m very grateful for that. It’s just me being hard on myself, I love it.

 

00;03;27;01 – 00;03;50;07

Dr. Mona

I actually I talked to another mom who came on. We’re talking about guilt, and guilt shows it’s way in many different ways in motherhood, and they all overlap like the same concepts. But we were chatting about that. It is harder if the guilt and judgment is coming externally, because then you can’t control what other people are saying. But in this situation, we are in a good spot because we can rewire and reframe how we approach these situations.

 

00;03;50;07 – 00;04;07;11

Dr. Mona

And it’s hard. It’s not going to be like an overnight thing, but it makes sense. I mean, this whole aspect of trying to find the terminology, work life balance. I know people sometimes don’t like that, but hey, I’ve had this career outside the home. I had this beautiful child that I love, but I want, but why can’t I have both?

 

00;04;07;11 – 00;04;25;21

Dr. Mona

And when they start to melt down, after you have spent the day at a busy job that you hopefully get passion from and like, and there’s some things about it that drive your fire there, or feel your fire. It can just feel extra draining because you’re like, I just want some peace in my life. Like especially you are in the health care field as an error nurse, right?

 

00;04;25;25 – 00;04;26;05

Lauren

Yeah.

 

00;04;26;09 – 00;04;37;06

Dr. Mona

I mean, my husband’s in our doc, and I totally understand, like, it’s because, yeah, you’re mentally stimulated for, like, your entire shift. Yeah. And then you go back to a child who’s doing the same thing.

 

00;04;37;09 – 00;04;37;26

Lauren

Yeah.

 

00;04;37;28 – 00;04;56;26

Dr. Mona

Yeah. Well, don’t quote fires here and there, you know. Yeah. Just like there’s not mental peace. And you combine the lack of mental peace with the guilt. And you feel like you’re crumbling when you’re actually I want to really talk about that from the minute you’re not crumbling. It’s all again, how we look at this situation is going to be a really important conversation.

 

00;04;56;29 – 00;05;15;17

Lauren

Yeah. Thank you. Yes. And it’s so funny that you say that does feel like that. And with my husband too, when we first started dating because he’s not in health care, you know, we have a really tough day. It’s like physically, emotionally draining. And then I kind of recharge and refill my cup by not talking and being quiet and like, taking a minute.

 

00;05;15;17 – 00;05;36;25

Lauren

And it was really difficult for him the first like five years of our relationship. And so thankfully he’s been super receptive and understanding. But my son doesn’t get that right. So of course you come on any show then and you come home and you’re like, oh man, I kind of had a day, but you kind of have to shut it off and maybe push it away for a little while and be a present parent as much as possible.

 

00;05;37;02 – 00;05;39;07

Lauren

And that’s challenging for me as well. Yeah.

 

00;05;39;07 – 00;05;57;29

Dr. Mona

And when you say present parent, you know, there is a misconception and I’ve spoken about this many times that it really comes down to quality over quantity. And this is not something that I’m just saying being a working mother. And because I have that reality, it’s true. I mean, if you spend every waking hour with your child, but you are not present, I’m talking like mentally there, right?

 

00;05;57;29 – 00;06;16;10

Dr. Mona

Your mind is thinking about bills or something else, or that you want to go here or there. You’re not spending time with your child if your mind isn’t there, right? So quality will always trump quantity. I rather have someone fill their cup, take their time, do whatever they need to do to take care of themselves, even in little increments.

 

00;06;16;10 – 00;06;32;22

Dr. Mona

Right? We are parents. We do not have the luxury of having hours on end to do whatever we want, whenever we want, but there are little moments in our day that we can say, here’s my cup being filled, like you said. And so that way when I am with you, I can be more present than I would be if I didn’t fill my cup.

 

00;06;32;24 – 00;07;03;05

Dr. Mona

And that’s why I always say, for anyone who works outside the home, you know people when we say working mom, like I said, everyone’s like, oh well, everyone works again for the purpose of this conversation. It’s you’re working a pay job that’s not being a mother. Okay. Let’s say if you want to use that terminology. But for anyone working outside the home, it can be that really difficult understanding of, okay, I have this passion and I have this child, and I hope that everyone who works outside the home, I hope the job that they’re leaving their child for every day is something that does fill their cup.

 

00;07;03;07 – 00;07;23;03

Dr. Mona

That’s something that I’ve talked about a lot, like my husband and I have conversations like, if you are not finding joy out of your job, and I’m not saying it has to be perfect days every day, right? But I’m saying like, enjoy the profession. You enjoy waking up and going to that place. That is extremely important because if you don’t enjoy it, that’s also going to come home with you, right?

 

00;07;23;08 – 00;07;23;16

Lauren

Yes.

 

00;07;23;19 – 00;07;35;04

Dr. Mona

There’s going to be way more anger, resentment, stress if you are going to a job that you hate. And so I hope you love your job. And I’m saying when I say look, I mean tolerate it, find some joy.

 

00;07;35;06 – 00;07;39;05

Lauren

No, absolutely I do. I love what I love what I do. Not every day, of course.

 

00;07;39;05 – 00;07;40;21

Dr. Mona

Right. Yes, I understand that’s life.

 

00;07;40;24 – 00;07;42;21

Lauren

But yes, I really do, I really do.

 

00;07;42;24 – 00;08;03;16

Dr. Mona

That’s so nice because I know I can’t fix anyone situations and some of us have to work because we have to work, right? Like meaning some of us may have jobs or be in roles that we are in to provide money for our children, for our living, for our life. But I am very big on if you have a job that you do not love figuring out, how can I find my out?

 

00;08;03;16 – 00;08;24;22

Dr. Mona

Or how can I reduce my hours and get that joy so that I’m not bringing that home? And if you love it now, we can talk about, okay, we love this. This is something that’s filling your cup. And the reason why your son is acting out more is I like to, for instance, in a very empathetic way of their development so that you can kind of understand, like, okay, yes, I see where he’s coming from.

 

00;08;24;25 – 00;08;42;29

Dr. Mona

How can I approach it? So we know children will act out more with their loved one caregiver or parent, the person that they feel the most comfortable with because for two reasons. One, he wants your attention and connection. Okay, he didn’t see you all day and I know that can be really hard, but it’s not too hard to hear.

 

00;08;42;29 – 00;09;00;23

Dr. Mona

But it’s not meant to be something like, oh well, I have to spend all these hours. It’s understanding that he missed you. And it’s like, hey, I want you to see me. I want you to hear me. And in their toddler brains, they are going to act out. Meaning they may whine if you’re like, putting your bag away and like, just not really looking at them.

 

00;09;00;23 – 00;09;29;29

Dr. Mona

They may not really understand that. Hey, let me give my mom a moment because they’re three years old, right? They’re four years old as they get older, you know, as Sam gets older, he’s going to understand that, oh, okay. Mommy came home. She just needs five minutes. And that’s going to be something that we do. And that’s what I’ll talk about that I build in with Ryan as well, is that I’m very matter of fact with what’s happening when I walk through the door and I don’t get upset at him, I don’t, like have the rise with him because that’s going to be part of him understanding the flow of the home.

 

00;09;29;29 – 00;09;49;29

Dr. Mona

Right? That okay, mommy just came home. She’s going to go upstairs and just going to change and I’m going to be upset, maybe because I don’t like it, but she’s going to come down and when she comes down, I’m going to play with her. Whether it’s ten minutes of hi ho, cheerio, which is what I do with Ryan right now after whatever it is that Sam likes to do, that one on one connection time.

 

00;09;50;06 – 00;10;11;14

Dr. Mona

And that is something that we sometimes get so busy as working parents because we switch roles so quickly that you’re like, okay, I came home, now I have to cook, now I have to do this, now I’m doing this. You forget that even just looking at them and saying, hey, I missed you. I love you, give me a hug, and then you give them that physical connection if they wanted or that acknowledgment, and then you leave.

 

00;10;11;14 – 00;10;14;15

Dr. Mona

It’s it’s what I call connecting before we disconnect.

 

00;10;14;16 – 00;10;14;29

Lauren

Okay.

 

00;10;15;01 – 00;10;33;29

Dr. Mona

Any time that you are about to leave your child or you’re entering their visual space and then you’re going to leave acknowledging their presence and saying, hey, I missed you, sweetie. I love you. Mommy’s going to go use the restroom. Mommy’s going to go upstairs and I’m going to come right back. It doesn’t mean that Sam is going to be like, okay, mom, have a great time.

 

00;10;34;04 – 00;10;56;07

Dr. Mona

He may say, but I love you. I miss you, and you’re just going to keep that consistency, right? Children learn by pattern, okay? Every time my mom does this, she’s telling me that she needs to do this, and she does it and that’s it. And then she comes down and yeah, she spends time with me. They are going to realize and stop whining or crying for the attention because they know it’s coming.

 

00;10;56;09 – 00;11;13;23

Dr. Mona

We’re going to give it to them, whether it’s dinner time together, whether it’s a book time together. And that’s why I’m saying we’re building all of the connection in to our lives. It doesn’t have to be like an hour of a grand item or play activity that you created after a long day of work. It can be stuff that you’re doing part of your routine.

 

00;11;13;28 – 00;11;28;21

Dr. Mona

Hey, you want to come upstairs and mommy? Mommy is going to go change and you can come bring your car and play in the room while I change, or while I wash my face, or incorporating them into your routine when you need that transitional moment. So they have that sort of connection with you.

 

00;11;28;24 – 00;11;30;18

Lauren

Okay. Yeah, it’s a great idea.

 

00;11;30;20 – 00;11;47;29

Dr. Mona

And then the other thing, besides the desire for our love, the connection and attention is the very obvious that they are going to be more comfortable with us than anyone else because we’re their safe spot. Okay, so anytime a parent tells me that my kid just gets more upset with me, there’s a few things that are probably happening.

 

00;11;47;29 – 00;12;07;11

Dr. Mona

One, they missed you and they’re looking for your attention and connection or two, they just feel the most vulnerable with you. And that’s actually, in a way, very sweet. Three if you have caved into a lot of boundaries, like just say, a child with a parent who always caves in and gives them a candy whenever they cry, then yes, they can cry because they realized the pattern here that okay, I’ll cry.

 

00;12;07;11 – 00;12;22;09

Dr. Mona

I’ll get what I want, I’ll cry, I get what I want, but most likely it’s the first two with parents, right? Most likely yes. I love my mommy or daddy or my caregiver so much, and I just want to see them and play with them. Get it up. Or it’s that I went to preschool or I had a busy day and now my mommy’s here.

 

00;12;22;09 – 00;12;30;29

Dr. Mona

And my mommy really understands me. And I just want to cry and be upset. And I know that’s not easy because you also probably sometimes want to try not.

 

00;12;31;01 – 00;12;33;18

Lauren

To look at something.

 

00;12;33;18 – 00;12;54;09

Dr. Mona

So we have to respect the fact that they are little toddlers or little children, and they obviously are learning about us and about what the patterns are in the daily life, and we’re responsible to kind of be the ones to go through the patterns of the daily routine, explain to them what’s happening, and just kind of be ready and calm for the big feelings, which is really hard.

 

00;12;54;14 – 00;12;57;08

Dr. Mona

Like I said, after a long, busy day at work.

 

00;12;57;11 – 00;13;16;28

Lauren

Yeah it is. That’s probably the toughest part. And I usually like I work 3 p.m. to 3 a.m.. Oh well, I know, so it’s just a little different. But like you’ll see me pull out my work shoes and that’s usually like the start of it. And he’s like, oh, you have to go to work. Like yeah, you know, I never work the same days every week.

 

00;13;16;28 – 00;13;35;10

Lauren

So it’s yeah, hard to kind of make a pattern that way. And I try to spend time with him before I have to go and have that special time and build a tower or whatever it is that he wants to do, or try to get it on that end. It’s so funny to it’s day to day, like some days he could not care that I’m going to work and he’s like, totally fine.

 

00;13;35;10 – 00;13;48;06

Lauren

And he just write his little day continues and some days he’s like, has a really hard time and there’s no predictor and there’s no way for me to, you know, me and my husband to know what day it is like, how it’s going to go. So yeah.

 

00;13;48;06 – 00;14;08;10

Dr. Mona

And that’s a really important concept because I think sometimes as parents, we feel like when we do these strategies. Right, okay, I’m going to be consistent. I’m going to prepare them. We try to do such grand preparation for our children. And I think it’s important we don’t have to stress ourselves out that, oh my gosh. Well, I didn’t play with my son for ten minutes before I left today and oh gosh, that’s going to mean more meltdown.

 

00;14;08;10 – 00;14;25;14

Dr. Mona

Absolutely not. It doesn’t mean and equate to automatic meltdown mode. It’s really about just understanding that some days are going to be such for you on your end. Some days, like you already mentioned for Sam, are going to be where he’s more upset about a situation. And like I said, really just remembering that this is our reality, right?

 

00;14;25;14 – 00;14;49;02

Dr. Mona

I talk so much about our reality versus not comparing it to other people’s reality, because I also have a spouse who does shift work. And so we don’t have a typical 9 to 5 life. My husband’s working weekends like you probably do, and holidays, and he also works at 3 p.m. shifts. So he’s not home some evenings, and he doesn’t see my son for a whole day because I send my son to preschool and then my husband comes back, is gone in the evening.

 

00;14;49;02 – 00;15;05;12

Dr. Mona

So Ryan never sees him because he’s not awake when Ryan leaves for school. So there are some days where they don’t see each other. And you’re right. Another concept here is that I’ve discussed this on other episodes. Children are very much like puppies and obviously there are way more sophisticated. Okay, obviously.

 

00;15;05;14 – 00;15;05;23

Lauren

Yeah.

 

00;15;05;28 – 00;15;24;28

Dr. Mona

You know, think about how puppies love their owners, right? Their parents, their dog parents, children love us and they also like routine. Just like a dog, right? Like routine. So if they have a caregiver who does shift work that’s off of their routine, right? They don’t have the expectation that I’m going to see mommy every morning when I wake up.

 

00;15;25;01 – 00;15;44;08

Dr. Mona

I’m going to see mommy every night when I go to sleep. So I also notice that Ryan does act out more with my husband because my husband’s schedule is all out of whack, similar to how my dog also acts about more when the mom is good, right? He’s way more attention seeking, and it makes sense because in their head they’re like they don’t understand the routine.

 

00;15;44;08 – 00;16;04;22

Dr. Mona

They don’t get it right because there is no routine. You are working shift work. So the beauty about having a three year old in the situation is that there is absolutely a higher level of understanding than when he was 2 or 1, right? A one and two year old. It’s all about cause and effect. You just leave the house, come back it a with a three year old when he is getting upset.

 

00;16;04;22 – 00;16;23;00

Dr. Mona

In those moments when just say you’re putting on your shoes and he realizes like, oh my gosh, my mom is leaving. And I laugh a little bit in my head because I remember when before we had Ryan, our puppy, did the same thing. Whenever my husband would put on his shoes, my dog would start to get frantic, like he’d start to run around because he’s like, no, no, no, he’s about to leave me.

 

00;16;23;02 – 00;16;38;28

Dr. Mona

And this happens when you see your child start to get really upset, or even maybe he says, no mommy, no shoes. You’re going to really connect with him. And obviously you’re probably kneeling down by then because you’re putting on your shoes. You’re already at his level. You’re going to really say to him, I know you’re going to miss mommy.

 

00;16;38;28 – 00;16;55;26

Dr. Mona

Mommy is going to really miss you, too. I have to put on my shoes. Do you want to help me take this to the car like you’re verbalizing with him? You’re showing compassion with him getting down to his level. Maybe there’s a little hug that gets snuck in there. Maybe there’s a. It’s asking him what he needs in that moment before you leave him again.

 

00;16;56;00 – 00;17;14;01

Dr. Mona

Connecting. Before we disconnect. And then it could be very small. And then what I do, like I said, that control piece is, hey, mommy has to go to work right now. I’m going to miss you. And maybe, you know, daddy is going to be at home and he’s going to do night night, and we’ll try calling each other and again, try to make promises that you’re going to keep, you know, so the right expectation there.

 

00;17;14;05 – 00;17;32;26

Dr. Mona

But whatever it is and then you can have him help you. Like maybe it’s taking something to the car. Hey, do you want to be my helper and take my back to the car for me? And then they feel like, oh, oh, I get to do something to help my mommy in her job. You know, I get to help her take something to the car, and it gives them, in a sense of chaos when they’re feeling like, wait, wait, wait.

 

00;17;32;26 – 00;17;55;24

Dr. Mona

This is not my routine. My mom is not supposed to leave at three. You’re giving them a piece of control and also feeling like they’re helping you. Which toddlers love. They love to feel like they can help. They love to feel like they’re loved, and they love to feel like they’re in control of a situation. So anytime we’re separating and we’re feeling those big feelings, empathizing, giving control can really help them be like, okay, this is not bad.

 

00;17;55;24 – 00;18;14;25

Dr. Mona

This is not something that I should be nervous about. My mommy’s leaving. I don’t like it. She’s not getting upset about it. So I’m not going to get upset about it. And it’s that repetition that like I said, you’re going to see it start to fade out. As he gets older and more understanding of the norm of your family, but also because you are not getting agitated.

 

00;18;15;00 – 00;18;15;08

Lauren

Okay.

 

00;18;15;10 – 00;18;38;25

Dr. Mona

When he gets upset at those moments and you also get upset, I know sweetie, I know. Yes, yes, I like and you’re getting very like you’re you’re tone, you’re getting very agitated because he’s crying and wailing. I know how hard that is. I’ve been there. We want to try to stay as calm as we can, because what we are teaching our children in those moments of dysregulation is, I am staying calm in this moment.

 

00;18;38;25 – 00;19;02;17

Dr. Mona

I am showing you how we are capable as human beings of staying calm, and you will in turn learn that in time that this is not something to fear. My mommy’s safe. I’m safe. She’s just leaving and she’ll be back, right? And there’s going to start to realize that. And I love the age of three, like I said, because there is that higher level of understanding and even saying, you’re going to miss mommy, why are you going to miss mommy?

 

00;19;02;22 – 00;19;20;29

Dr. Mona

I like play with mommy. I know, sweetie, I love playing with you too. It’s my most favorite part of my day, right? Building up the moments that you do have. Like, I really love it too. And it makes them feel like, oh yeah, she does love me. And even though we can’t play right now, we will play when she can.

 

00;19;20;29 – 00;19;34;15

Dr. Mona

And that big phrase of when you can, it’s not like you have to do this grand playtime when you’re exhausted. It’s just about being very calm and consistent with how you approach these conversations.

 

00;19;34;17 – 00;19;54;19

Lauren

Okay. All right. You know my only question though I love this idea. I’m going to start incorporating that in. And again I’m not an expert. But like if you say when I can in the children at this age don’t really have a concept of time. Yes. So is this just again, something that they learn as you go and they’re like, okay, so later is not right now.

 

00;19;54;19 – 00;19;55;23

Lauren

Later is later.

 

00;19;55;25 – 00;20;12;06

Dr. Mona

Yes. You’re right that the later when I can terminology like that probably doesn’t make sense to them until they’re about 4 or 5 years old, because that’s when they get a better concept of time. Right timers help. But of course, when you’re going for a long period of time, you can’t set a timer. So it is a reality.

 

00;20;12;06 – 00;20;28;16

Dr. Mona

Like when you set expectations with your child, you and your head have to think about, what am I going to be physically able, like mentally or physically able to do? Like obviously, if you’re working at 3 p.m. to 3 a.m. shift, you’re not going to wake him up and play at 3 a.m., right? So are you going to be awake when he wakes up?

 

00;20;28;16 – 00;20;49;15

Dr. Mona

Just as an example. Right. So then you’re going to say, hey, when you eat breakfast tomorrow, they understand, like they eat in the morning lunch, dinner. They understand like events right now time rest time, school aftercare, like the things that they’re doing. They understand. Right. They may not understand time, but they understand, okay, breakfast in the morning. I don’t know what morning means or what time that is.

 

00;20;49;19 – 00;20;56;25

Dr. Mona

Lunch, dinner. So you can say when you’re eating breakfast, mommy is going to come down and play. But then I want that to be something that you’re going to do.

 

00;20;56;28 – 00;20;57;16

Lauren

So.

 

00;20;57;19 – 00;21;21;00

Dr. Mona

So that you would say, like, you know, mom is going to go to work tomorrow when you come home from school, mommy is going to be here and we can play. What would you like to play tomorrow? Do you want to play with this toy or this toy? Right. So really making it like, yes, around an event, around like something that they do in their routine is better at this age than just saying a time, because you can’t say, oh, I’ll see you at 7 a.m. or I’ll see you and later.

 

00;21;21;00 – 00;21;38;23

Dr. Mona

You’re right, the concept of later they don’t understand. But interestingly, we use later with Ryan in the understanding that he doesn’t understand what later means. But now he’s three, a little over three. He says, like, I’ll see you later. And I don’t think he understands what later is, like I said, but he gets that later means not on there.

 

00;21;38;28 – 00;21;58;23

Dr. Mona

Yeah, there’s an understand when it’s going to happen. But he knows like it’s not happening at this current moment. And it helps us. It gives us time. And you know, then he’s like, I go to park later, I’m like, yeah, you’re right. We’re not going to go now, right? But they do understand that concept that is 100% but utilize things in their routine, okay, as the time quote unquote, because that can actually be something that they do understand.

 

00;21;58;23 – 00;22;04;17

Dr. Mona

Right. Like the breakfast or lunch or after nap time or before bedtime, things like that.

 

00;22;04;19 – 00;22;06;05

Lauren

Okay. Perfect.

 

00;22;06;07 – 00;22;28;25

Dr. Mona

Yeah. And I think, you know, this is all helpful. Just chat about it. And absolutely sure, just relate and understand that we’re not alone. It is not easy. You know, going back to that guilt comment, really understanding that it is about quality over quantity, that your child is loved by someone you love, by someone who is taking care of their own passions and interests and love.

 

00;22;28;25 – 00;22;51;04

Dr. Mona

And to me, that is a huge form of love and it doesn’t mean for anyone listening who is not working outside the home. Maybe you are a full time parent right now. That is what you’re doing, and I just want you to have passion in what you are doing. Whatever it is that you’re doing, and your child will realize that, especially as they get older, they see you happy, they see you fulfilled, and then that.

 

00;22;51;04 – 00;23;09;02

Dr. Mona

Also, like I said at the beginning of this, carries on into relationships with them, which is why I want my whole for everyone is that they have a job or career that they actually tolerate. And like, like we said, you don’t have to love it every day. But because I know that that carries into how our relationship is with our partner and also with our child.

 

00;23;09;04 – 00;23;11;00

Lauren

Yes, I completely agree.

 

00;23;11;02 – 00;23;33;03

Dr. Mona

Yes. And, you know, enjoy those moments when you get them. Like I said, it does not have to be grand events that you’re doing with your child. It can be five minutes, ten minutes. And those moments, we want to try to make it uninterrupted as possible. So I know that can feel hard sometimes, but in my head, whenever I feel distracted, I’m more prone to say, what do I need at this moment?

 

00;23;33;03 – 00;23;46;23

Dr. Mona

I don’t need to have my cell phone on me. We’ve survived many years before cell phones without having it on us, so I don’t need my cell phone on me. It’s going to get put upstairs or on the charger, and I’m not going to have it when I’m playing with him. This is going to be our uninterrupted time.

 

00;23;46;28 – 00;24;03;07

Dr. Mona

And with the three year old, definitely. Again, going back to that control piece during that play, asking him between two things that you’re able to play right, like give him the option of two things that you’re also able to do. Like if you don’t want to go outside and ride a scooter or ride a bike at 7:00, that’s not an option, right?

 

00;24;03;07 – 00;24;21;13

Dr. Mona

But inside the house, what is it that you want to play with mommy today? Do you want to do this or this? And giving them that autonomy and control makes them feel like, oh well, I get to play with my mom and she’s letting me decide or who I like. They feel empowered, right? And they also feel connected through those little moments and also utilize your routine.

 

00;24;21;13 – 00;24;40;10

Dr. Mona

Like with a busy schedule like you have sometimes you only may make it home for bedtime routine or like dinner, right? Like it’s really just like for a lot of parents who work outside the home, you pick them up from childcare, you go home, dinner, bedtime, utilize them and connect with them in that routine. Allow them in the kitchen.

 

00;24;40;15 – 00;24;58;14

Dr. Mona

If you’re cooking and you know, obviously with safe items around that time and bedtime, have that be the connection time and keep it playful, right? Like keep it fun. Sing songs. I’ve talked about this on my Instagram. On the hardest days. I get the most goofy and I do this out of my own mental health preservation. But also for Ryan.

 

00;24;58;14 – 00;25;17;21

Dr. Mona

I don’t want him going to bed with an angry, frustrated mother. I don’t. It’s something that’s really important to me that I am frustrated. Sometimes. I am like tapped out. Sometimes the last thing I want him to see when he closes his eyes is that, hey, mommy had a smile on her face and she loves me. And this is a safe space, right?

 

00;25;17;21 – 00;25;37;21

Dr. Mona

And when we’re so tired, it can feel so hard because you’re just trying to get to bedtime. But I think those moments, like I find that that time and reading a book are actually enjoyable to me, more so that time. And I make it fun, you know, splashing with him, talking about body parts like he likes to learn about all his body parts and like just really laughing and smiling.

 

00;25;37;21 – 00;25;55;01

Dr. Mona

And it helps alleviate that guilt. It helps alleviate that mood and more so it just makes you feel and reframe this entire experience that, okay, I had a tough day, but I have this beautiful child that’s safe in their bed or crib. I’m healthy. They’re safe. Like really just going back to that gratitude piece, too.

 

00;25;55;03 – 00;26;10;00

Lauren

Absolutely. And I think you’ll understand this. Maybe your husband will understand this. But since I become a mom and in the job that I do when I go to bed at night, you know, I have a moment of gratitude. And like, I didn’t have to bring him to work today. I know, so I know and yes.

 

00;26;10;02 – 00;26;32;19

Dr. Mona

I mean, however, we can find gratitude. I mean, I tell my husband this all the time. My husband struggles more with gratitude finding than I do. Like when things are going tough, he finds it hard. It’s like, how can you be grateful when it is hitting the fan? And I’m like, no, I know the reality that we’re in, but finding those small pockets helps the day go by and also helps you lift out of that tough time that you’re going through it actually.

 

00;26;32;19 – 00;26;51;02

Dr. Mona

Yeah, like really helps. And going back to the help, like anytime Ryan recovers from an illness or we all of us recover from something, I’m so grateful I say thank you. Like, this is so great. I know it’s not always like this because of our field. We know that. And it can be hard because on the flip side, my husband’s like, well, I see all the bad things I see.

 

00;26;51;06 – 00;26;59;21

Dr. Mona

I know things I’m like, I know. But you also have to understand that there’s also good in this world. Like a lot of good things happen, a lot of healing happens.

 

00;26;59;24 – 00;27;23;22

Lauren

Like, no, I can be more like your husband too. And it’s, you know, it is tough. It’s tough on the day to day seeing, you know, the worst of the worst and then coming home. Yeah. So I can definitely see both sides. It’s tough. It’s tougher than I ever thought it would be. I thought I would be more prepared and maybe less stressed out as a parent in health care, but I can tell you that it’s the exact opposite for me.

 

00;27;23;22 – 00;27;24;07

Lauren

Yeah.

 

00;27;24;07 – 00;27;42;28

Dr. Mona

No, I relate to that. You know, especially the last three years watching the pandemic and stuff like that with my husband. I mean, I being an outpatient pediatrician, you see a lot of healing. Like I said, you see a lot of good things happen. Of course, we see a lot of not so great things, but majority of it is healing and I would be in an E.R. a lot of what you see is not healing.

 

00;27;42;28 – 00;28;03;26

Dr. Mona

It’s sick people. It’s having to admit them all of that. Like, I mean, I know that’s a reality. So it absolutely skews your perspective because you’re like, well, I see dread and sadness a lot every day. And being a mother like speaking for you. I can only imagine because that energy that you’re bringing home, taking those moments, like I said, even just going upstairs, obviously I’m hoping someone else is watching.

 

00;28;03;26 – 00;28;31;01

Dr. Mona

Obviously there’s moments, those reset moments, right? Those five minutes, those even just sitting in your car in the driveway and just taking those breaths and talking to yourself and saying, I, I’m in control right now. I had a really hard day. I am so grateful to be safe coming home to my child. Before you go into whatever it is going to be inside a tantrum and toddler, a happy toddler, because those moments is what saves us, right?

 

00;28;31;02 – 00;28;50;22

Dr. Mona

So that we do not, yeah, react, yell all those things that we are trying to be better at as parents because that’s what also makes the whole scenario about just how he is having a tantrum and whining for you. It can make it more so when he does whine. I know this is so hard, but just so you walk through the door and he’s like, mommy, mommy, please, please put it away and you’re overstimulated.

 

00;28;50;28 – 00;29;07;27

Dr. Mona

I want you to remember how I respond right now is how my child will learn to respond to his future child if he has it. I want my child to learn that I am his safe space. I am, of course, entitled to have my feelings and emotions, but I’m not going to bring my day into my child’s experience right now.

 

00;29;08;01 – 00;29;24;28

Dr. Mona

And just tell yourself that and talk yourself through that so you can be more present and say, I got this. And sometimes I find that, like I said, verbalizing and hugging all of those touchy feely things can just help us calm down our heart rate really just make us understand that this is our moment. This is a very pivotal moment here.

 

00;29;25;02 – 00;29;34;28

Dr. Mona

I’m going to fight through any sense of frustration and overstimulation. I have and just connect with my kid for this moment, and it’s going to be an important thing for everybody.

 

00;29;35;01 – 00;29;36;14

Lauren

You’re absolutely right. Thank you.

 

00;29;36;19 – 00;29;56;00

Dr. Mona

Yes, and I hope this was a nice chat. I love chatting about this stuff. And this podcast is not only parenting tips and okay, do this. If your child has a tantrum. It’s these conversations. It’s how do we get through these touchy feely situations that a lot of us go through and the feelings and frustrations behind it? So it was just so nice to chat with you today.

 

00;29;56;00 – 00;29;58;11

Lauren

Lauren, saying thank you for having me.

 

00;29;58;14 – 00;30;20;23

Dr. Mona

Oh, I love chatting with Lauren about this very common feeling many of us have. Whether you work outside the home or not, it can be very emotionally draining when your child acts out more, especially when you’ve had a really long day. I always say that parenting would be much easier if we didn’t have all the extra stuff that we have to do in our adult life.

 

00;30;20;25 – 00;30;41;18

Dr. Mona

This is why mindfulness is so important. This is why we have to understand that all of our experiences, the traffic that we’re in, the person that cut us off, someone who argued with us at work, all of those experiences carry with us when we go home. And so it’s really important to figure out, how am I going to take this moment, recenter myself before I get into my house, because you never know what you’re going to expect.

 

00;30;41;25 – 00;30;54;24

Dr. Mona

Lauren is an E.R. nurse, and so I should have said this, but, you know, you just never know what’s going to come through the door in the E.R.. And similar to a child, you don’t know what kind of day we’re going to have. You don’t know if it’s going to be an extra meltdown day. You don’t know if it’s going to be a good day.

 

00;30;55;01 – 00;31;18;05

Dr. Mona

And just kind of understanding that there’s just going to be days. Some days are going to be great, some days are not going to be so great, and some days they may have some more tantrums and some days they won’t. And sometimes you’re not going to be able to know why. I hope you found this conversation helpful. And if you love this episode, make sure you leave a review if you haven’t already, share it on social media and tag me and make sure to share it with a friend.

 

00;31;18;07 – 00;31;23;23

Dr. Mona

This is how the podcast continues to grow, and I cannot wait to answer another parent’s question next week.