I invited Deena and Kristin (the masterminds behind the popular Instagram account, @BigLittleFeelings) to discuss all things toddler tantrums.

We discuss real-life situations and provide examples on how to navigate them to help your child cope with those Big Little Feelings.

00;00;06;25 – 00;00;35;28

Dr. Mona

Hey, everyone, welcome to the PedsDocTalk podcast. I’m your host, Doctor Mona, where each week I hope to educate and inspire you in your journey through parenthood with information on your most common concerns as a parent and interviews with fellow parents and experts in the field. My hope is you leave each week feeling more educated, confident and empowered in the decisions you make for your child.

 

00;00;36;00 – 00;00;55;21

Dr. Mona

Hello and welcome to this week’s episode where I am welcoming Kristin and Deena from the popular Instagram account Big Little Feelings, and they are here today to talk all about toddler behavior, toddler tantrums, and just how fascinating in a way toddlers can be even when they’re having meltdowns. Thank you for being here.

 

00;00;55;23 – 00;00;57;14

Kristin

Thank you for having us.

 

00;00;57;16 – 00;01;14;28

Dr. Mona

Yeah, I’m so grateful for you all. I love your account. Big little feelings on Instagram. I’m going to put that on the show notes so you all can follow. They both also have a course that we’ll talk about at the end. For managing those 1 to 5 year age period when your children do have those epic meltdowns.

 

00;01;15;11 – 00;01;19;23

Dr. Mona

But tell me a little bit about yourselves. What made you both start Big Little Feelings?

 

00;01;19;25 – 00;01;53;25

Deena

Yeah. So I’ll start. I’m Deena. I’m a child therapist. Or really a licensed marriage and family therapist. And I work specifically with families and little ones specializing in the 0 to 5 years. And, you know, just as a therapist are so many great tips and strategies that we can use at home to build this amazing foundation for as our kids grow, but also to make our lives easier as parents, you know, to really help calm the chaos that can go with with toddlerhood.

 

00;01;53;27 – 00;02;03;29

Deena

So that was one reason that we wanted to start Big Little Feelings is to get those practical tips and game plans out there to make parenting easier and more manageable. Yeah.

 

00;02;03;29 – 00;02;25;07

Kristin

And, so that Dena and then Kristen, I have been working with toddlers and young kids for about ten years. I was a special needs, aide at a school I taught kids in Thailand. But really, it wasn’t until I became a mom myself that I saw there really wasn’t a whole lot out there that was, like Dina said, real tips.

 

00;02;25;07 – 00;02;47;19

Kristin

Real strategies. What do you do past the baby stage? I read every baby book that there was, and it did not prepare me for being a mom and being home with, you know, once they entered that toddler stage. So I kept texting Dina, who’s an amazing child therapist in Los Angeles and owns her own practice. And I just kept texting her.

 

00;02;47;22 – 00;03;11;21

Kristin

What a great friend to have, by the way. I kept texting her all day long and I’m like, how do you do this? What do you do this? How can I do this? We have to take the pacifier away. How do we do it? And so we really thought that this was something that could go beyond just me and that all moms could really see and package it in a way that is, is doable for for moms just like me, who are doing it every day and don’t have a special higher degree.

 

00;03;11;21 – 00;03;15;20

Kristin

You don’t need to be a child therapist to kind of do these things.

 

00;03;15;22 – 00;03;33;05

Dr. Mona

And the reason why I love your account is exactly what you said. The real strategies and something that you both do beautifully, which is why I think your account has become so popular is the instead of this, try this. Almost like those scripts. And I know you give that information on your Instagram and then the course goes into even more detail.

 

00;03;33;10 – 00;03;54;06

Dr. Mona

And that is what I also agree was lacking, because in the moment, parents are, you know, their mind is in a mess. They’re obviously exhausted, their child screaming, and they’re like, sometimes they forget what they want to say. And then emotions come out from the parents end and then you have to kind of try again later. But the scripts that you all provide, and we’ll actually be getting to that at the end of the episode, is so clutch.

 

00;03;54;06 – 00;04;05;27

Dr. Mona

And I think that is, you know, worth every, every penny. I love your Instagram account for that reason. Because it really helps. Like you said, give those real life examples that sometimes parishes are confused about.

 

00;04;05;29 – 00;04;23;18

Kristin

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Because, you know, these are these are things where and when you read those a lot of times some parents think like, oh, I’ve said the one on the left, I’m saying the avoid, you know, am I a bad parent? And it’s like, no, we are pulling this from experience. These are things that I almost catch, you know, coming out of my mouth.

 

00;04;23;18 – 00;04;46;00

Kristin

These are just really common, you know, reaction to when your child is is screaming in your face, for example, you know, it’s it’s not the instinctual reaction to do some of the things that might be beneficial or, or, or, you know, it’s it’s, it’s it doesn’t always come naturally. And it takes knowing what to say in advance.

 

00;04;46;00 – 00;05;02;13

Kristin

And that’s why we provide the scripts, which you should, of course, always alter, by the way, to your situation, to your kid and how it works. But that’s really why we provide those scripts is, is so that in those moments you can have a go to thing of, okay, this is tough, but I got this. I know what to say.

 

00;05;02;13 – 00;05;07;22

Kristin

I know how to say it. I know that this is why she’s doing this or he is doing this.

 

00;05;07;24 – 00;05;28;18

Dr. Mona

And I love also that you do focus it on one, because there’s a common misconception that it’s called the terrible twos. And parents often forget that it starts much earlier than two. So I love that when you talk about everything, you’re actually getting to that one plus age, even maybe even a little younger. Because it’s not just the terrible twos.

 

00;05;28;18 – 00;05;36;14

Dr. Mona

There’s so much fear about that. Why do you think parents are so afraid of the toddler years and so stressed about the toddler years?

 

00;05;36;17 – 00;05;52;20

Kristin

Yeah, it’s you know, it’s first of all, it really it’s a common misconception, if you will. Or maybe it’s a correct conception. I don’t know, but you hear it all the time. I don’t know about you guys, but when I was pregnant, I mean, and then when they turned into a baby, it was like, well, just wait.

 

00;05;52;20 – 00;06;09;09

Kristin

Just wait till they turn to. Just wait until they turn to, you know, it’s everywhere and it’s all around there. And that’s why we’re afraid of it. Right? And then once we enter it, it’s kind of like what I was saying, where we read all of these baby books. I read every baby book under the sun, but no one handed me a book on on the toddler years.

 

00;06;09;09 – 00;06;29;04

Kristin

I, I think that becomes very stressful when you, you sort of go into this new phase, your sweet little baby turns into whatever you think your sweet baby is turning into. You know, they’re just different, right? And so your sweet little baby is now screaming in your face and going, no or face first. And you’re like, what is happening?

 

00;06;29;09 – 00;06;35;04

Kristin

You just don’t know why it’s happening and you don’t know what to do. Right?

 

00;06;35;06 – 00;07;00;21

Deena

But actually, I’m going to jump in too, because let’s talk about terrible twos and like three major, which we hear a lot for toddlers and what’s really going on, their brains are exploding with growth. This is like such a unique time of brain development where they’re taking in so much new information and learning how to make sense of it, and learning how to honestly find their independence.

 

00;07;00;21 – 00;07;30;12

Deena

So the fact that they’re pushing back, the fact that they’re saying no or I’ll do it is actually a great sign. This is a huge milestone that your child wants to branch out and try things on their own as they get older, but what’s it mean? It’s a ton of work for us as parents because we’re constantly making sure as they’re exploring and touching things that they’re safe and that, you know, there are certain boundaries like we can explore, but we can’t hit or bite.

 

00;07;30;14 – 00;07;48;04

Deena

Yeah. So that comes with it too. And, you know, that might be part of why people feel so overwhelmed about this stage. But we feel that once you have game plans, once you understand what’s happening and how you can respond, you’re going to feel so much more confident in these moments. I agree.

 

00;07;48;04 – 00;08;12;00

Dr. Mona

I think there is a lot of fear. You know, in my in my office too, that, oh, you know, this is going to be this awful thing. And I love how you talk about it being a positive thing, because it’s almost like if you just come at it saying that this is actually a beautiful developmental milestone that they’re going through, and it’s not going to be easy, obviously, you’re going to have moments where, like Kristen said, that you’re going to regret saying the avoid this, but that’s okay.

 

00;08;12;13 – 00;08;32;05

Dr. Mona

We all do it. I’m going to do it. You both are obviously professionals in this area, and you’re going to do it too. But it’s just about changing for the next time, right? And understanding. Okay, maybe I did this. And I find that the hardest part about parenting a toddler. And you guys speak about this on your website and or on your Instagram is watching our insecurities.

 

00;08;32;05 – 00;09;04;24

Dr. Mona

Watching are the things that maybe we didn’t get as children, right? So if we didn’t get a patient parent, then of course it’s going to be hard for us to teach patience to a child when you know the child’s yelling in your face. So it’s really about self-growth for the parent also. And that is why I think if a parent can come out of this with your tips and just positive gentle parenting in general, they’re going to come out of it as a better person themselves because they’ll feel like not only did I manage the situation like a calm, cool, confident parent like you all talk about, but I actually caused change in my child,

 

00;09;04;24 – 00;09;15;27

Dr. Mona

and now I’m better as a person myself and as a parent myself. And I think that is, to me, the most fascinating thing about the toddler years is that it is a it is a time of growth for the parent also.

 

00;09;16;00 – 00;09;43;16

Kristin

Yes. I mean, even that’s re parenting is kind of Dina’s Dina’s forte too. She loves that. And that’s kind of that idea of of when you were not your needs perhaps weren’t met. Or some people think that that means childhood trauma, but for me, for example, just to put that into what we’re saying, just your toddler having really big feelings, what it looks like is crying and screaming and being sad and angry and overwhelmed.

 

00;09;43;19 – 00;10;05;03

Kristin

I personally was taught to kind of, you know, in our generation, our parents generation, if shut that down, you’re fine. Shut it down. Go get in your room for screaming. And so as an adult, I’m incredibly uncomfortable when big feelings happen. It just it makes my insides, like, crumple up and I crunch up, and I get so nervous and I’m sweating and it’s exactly what you’re saying.

 

00;10;05;03 – 00;10;34;17

Kristin

Where? Where this is the time that we actually get to repair in ourselves. Which again, Dina, I mean, she’s just amazing in that field. It’s totally a time of regrowth and re parenting yourself. And as an adult now, because of the way that we have kind of been doing this with our own kids, I find that I’m more open emotionally and with my feelings instead of stuffing them down and doing really unhealthy, toxic ways to get through that.

 

00;10;34;22 – 00;10;40;00

Kristin

Now, even I’m okay with my feelings. It’s it’s pretty crazy. It’s pretty great.

 

00;10;40;03 – 00;11;06;15

Deena

Well, just to add on to what we’re doing is we’re building resilience for our kid, but we’re building resilience for our self in these moments. Because when you think about life, we’re not. The goal is not to make hard times or big feelings go away. That’s part of life. That’s healthy. The key is to learn how to accept those feelings, understand what they mean, and then build healthy tools to handle them.

 

00;11;06;18 – 00;11;20;02

Deena

So we’re doing that for our kids. But when we show up with kindness and compassion for ourselves too, and we recognize, okay, this is a hard moment and here are some strategies and I’m just going to do my best. We become more resilient to.

 

00;11;20;05 – 00;11;28;20

Dr. Mona

Absolutely. You talk about attacking the feelings, setting the boundary and shifting to the yes. Explain more what that means, how that would look like in a situation.

 

00;11;28;23 – 00;11;49;08

Kristin

Yeah. So so I we always used to love screen time because I think screen time is kind of one of those triggers for kids. They have a hard time with ending screen time. So with all tantrums or any kind of meltdowns, we always do the same three things. And that that first one is okay, the feeling. So with with screen time, let’s say rather than just giving I know we’re done.

 

00;11;49;08 – 00;12;10;20

Kristin

I told you a thousand times, we can say it’s okay to feel sad. I see that you’re feeling sad about turning off the iPad. It’s okay to feel sad with those younger toddlers, by the way, it’s the same thing. So even with my little one and she’s 19 months now, but even as young as 12 months, if you need to kind of it’s okay to feel sad.

 

00;12;10;20 – 00;12;37;19

Kristin

Bye bye iPad, bye bye iPad. And it’s just like what we were talking about. But it’s it’s short term and it’s long term. So in the short term, simply seeing them and they can feel heard and understood the same way we as adults want to feel heard and understood. That can often kind of stop the tantrum in its tracks or make it shorter, at least where they’re just like, okay, you’re on my side, you’re on my team, all right?

 

00;12;37;22 – 00;12;53;12

Kristin

And long term, we’re connecting that feeling that they don’t know yet. They don’t know okay. What is sad? We’re teaching them. Every time they get sad we teach them. This is sad. You’re feeling sad and it’s okay to feel sad. It’s okay to feel that way.

 

00;12;53;15 – 00;13;05;27

Deena

Yeah. And the more you can just accept it and show them that I get it. And I’m here for you and let them. Or at least that feeling that’s super healthy. And it usually helps them move through it quicker.

 

00;13;05;29 – 00;13;25;06

Dr. Mona

I see that happening actually. Like my my son’s nine months and he’s starting to throw tantrums like it. You know, it happens early like it doesn’t always happen after one. And I think like he when he doesn’t, he’s reaching for an item and he can’t reach it or we’re not allowing him to take the lighter that’s on. You know that’s on the coffee table.

 

00;13;25;19 – 00;13;44;03

Dr. Mona

He starts screaming and we do this. You know, we actually do say, like, Ryan, I know you want the lighter, and I know he’s so young, but I think parents often feel like a toddler won’t understand that. But yet they do. They get it. Even if you do it earlier, whether they understand it or not, or you believe it or not, they hear you.

 

00;13;44;03 – 00;14;03;07

Dr. Mona

And especially why I think that helps. Oh King, the feeling as a parent when you start asking, the feeling you yourself are giving yourself time to calm down. Also, rather than getting into that moment of like, oh my God, God, Ryan, why are you doing this? You are saying you’re almost telling yourself I okay, I know you’re upset.

 

00;14;03;07 – 00;14;26;21

Dr. Mona

I’m upset as a mom. I’m upset. It’s not I’m not talking to you. I’m talking to me. That I’m actually feeling upset too, right now. So I almost feel like it’s a form of self therapy that you’re telling your kid, I know you’re sad. Mommy said to you, I know you’re sad and frustrated and it’s okay to be frustrated, and I feel like it gives that little let that little time for that parent to calm down, to agree.

 

00;14;26;21 – 00;14;45;17

Kristin

It’s such a perspective where it’s like you’re literally saying to them, it’s okay to feel upset, it’s okay to feel sad, and you’re saying it in your own head. Whereas my instinctual reaction or any parent’s instinctual reaction is by like, this is ridiculous, how could you be sad? But when you’re saying out loud, it’s okay to be sad, you’re like, you know what?

 

00;14;45;17 – 00;15;10;14

Kristin

They have every right to be sad. It’s sad to turn off an iPad. They want to keep watching. I stayed up until 2 a.m. watching that Tiger King show, you know what I mean? I get it, like I would be sad to go into the, and then to the second step after, okay. The feeling it’s we always you always want to state the boundary, and we want it to be really simple and easy to understand.

 

00;15;10;14 – 00;15;37;21

Kristin

So you whether it’s a younger kid and you say all done iPad by by iPad, if they sign, that’s great. You can throw up your hands and do the sign for all done iPad by by iPad. We’re all done with iPad. It’s that simple. And the more that you stick with those boundaries, even though you’re kind of on the inside really afraid of the storm that’s coming, the more you can hold them, the the better it will be each time that you hold them.

 

00;15;37;23 – 00;16;02;04

Deena

Yeah, exactly. Holding that boundary is super important. So if you’ve said one more episode, even if they’re crying, even if they’re melting down, flailing around, banging the floor, stick to it. Fly by an iPad and move it away. Put it out of sight. Put it out of reach so it’s not tempting them and, you know, tormenting them and comfort them.

 

00;16;02;05 – 00;16;30;14

Deena

It’s okay for them to be upset about that boundary, but when you stick to it, they know that next time you say one more episode, you actually mean one more episode. If you just give in and say, okay, five more minutes because you just want it to stop, what happens is they realize that pushing and crying and tormenting you in some ways is going to maybe get them what they want at the end.

 

00;16;30;16 – 00;16;47;13

Deena

So, you know, we want to be really clear and we want to be really consistent with our boundaries and stay firm on it, because in the end, in the future, that’s going to decrease the number of tantrums you get because they know mom said one more episode. That means just one more.

 

00;16;47;15 – 00;17;11;06

Dr. Mona

Oh, I love this. And it’s so perfect because it applies to literally every scenario you can have when a child melts down, whether it’s about food, whether it’s about behavior, sleep. I’ve had this because yeah, I mean they they are smart. Toddlers are super smart. They know that if they win enough and cry enough and they get that rise out of us, like we get upset, they are very easy to understand that.

 

00;17;11;06 – 00;17;28;01

Dr. Mona

You know what? This is making mommy very upset and I’m just going to keep doing it. And if I keep doing it, she’s going to cave in. And it is hard. But I love how beautifully you all state that, because it is. It actually works really well. And in time, like a parent who may be listening right now, that’s like, no, it’s not going to work.

 

00;17;28;01 – 00;17;49;14

Dr. Mona

My child won’t do that. Like they’ll not listen. It really does with that consistent boundaries like you mentioned. And I see it firsthand in my office. I mean, I that’s what we were hoping to do with Ryan also as he approaches the toddler years. And I know it’s going to be, you know, have have good outcome because it really does make sense with how toddlers behave and what they, what they are looking at in terms of cause and effect.

 

00;17;49;14 – 00;17;57;03

Dr. Mona

And if they do something, what how are we going to react? They are very smart about, you know, looking at how the world works. And that is a huge part of it.

 

00;17;57;06 – 00;18;14;29

Deena

Yeah. And one more reframe for us to keep in mind is that there pushback is, again, healthy because they’re saying, well, you said no, but I know what I want. That’s part of their independence is when they’re kind of standing up for it. So it’s kind of cool to look at it that way, too.

 

00;18;15;14 – 00;18;45;20

Kristin

Yeah. So then the third one is exactly kind of what Deena is leading in there with, which is your toddler has this really healthy urge for control and power. It’s it’s part of their brain development. And so we want to be the parents who are in charge of and leading the big stuff. So what time bedtime is when we leave, how many episodes we’re having, when iPad is all done, those really big concepts, we want to be kind of leading and calm and in control of those things.

 

00;18;45;20 – 00;19;06;27

Kristin

And our toddlers, even though they think they want all of the power and control, they actually feel safest when we’re holding those boundaries and we are in charge of those bigger stuff. However, the last step is shift to the yes, and what that is doing is we’re going to shift and say something like, with the screen time example.

 

00;19;06;29 – 00;19;23;11

Kristin

So it’s okay to feel sad. You want more iPad? You know, that’s so hard. Whatever you want to however you want to say it, then we are. But I and iPad is all done. We’re putting iPad. Bye bye. Now it’s time to go outside. Do you want to do bubbles or do you want to do the slide? Or whatever it may be?

 

00;19;23;11 – 00;19;41;11

Kristin

It’s time for bedtime. So do you want to do Clifford, or do you want to read this book? You offer two choices, and so you’re still holding those overarching structure that makes them feel safe, but they can pick something really small. We don’t tell them it’s small. We tell them it’s big and we put them in charge.

 

00;19;41;11 – 00;20;00;19

Kristin

And that shifts their brain out of just hearing, no no no no no no no no no all day long and just hearing that boundary. And it shifts into okay, this is my choice. I’m going to go choose my shoes now. So I’m choosing the red shoes. I’m choosing to leave. We’re doing this together. Let’s go.

 

00;20;00;21 – 00;20;09;28

Deena

Yeah. Giving them an age appropriate choice and a little bit of power can really shift them from fighting against you to collaborating with you.

 

00;20;10;01 – 00;20;27;27

Dr. Mona

And I think, like, this whole style of parenting is so important. And I love that, you know, we’re talking about this because a common misconception also is that boundary setting means that your child will not have choices when or that if you allow your child to have too many or allow your child to have a choice, then you’re not doing the boundary setting.

 

00;20;27;27 – 00;20;46;22

Dr. Mona

And that’s a total misconception because you can do both. Like you both are saying, equally amazing. As long as you understand that, you don’t say, which book do you want to read? I love the two options strategy because that gives them, oh well, I have a choice here. This is awesome. What? It really makes a lot of sense.

 

00;20;46;22 – 00;21;13;04

Dr. Mona

And like I said, I bring it back to food a lot also, because sometimes that can happen with, you know, snack time where you just open ended questions. They kind of need that sort of this is your two options, okay. And they’ll choose. They’ll choose one of those options. And so I think that’s so great that we understand that there is an ability to have to be that effective, you know, boundaries that are parent, but also allow our child to still thrive and obviously feel loved and still feel like they have a choice.

 

00;21;13;04 – 00;21;18;22

Dr. Mona

And it’s that balance that I think if a parent can find is key to getting through those toddler years.

 

00;21;18;24 – 00;21;53;28

Kristin

Yeah. And I think it’s really there’s there’s kind of what I think out there for the most part is there’s this misconception that you either need to be incredibly authoritarian because I said so. You are to be seen and not heard. I am in charge. I leave the house and we can we can see that kind of have some repercussions, you know, timeout, spanking, whatever it may be, even though it it doesn’t really allow the child to have any say at all or feel involved or feel, you know, it’s missing that kind of okay, the feeling and all of that stuff we’re talking about.

 

00;21;54;03 – 00;22;11;11

Kristin

And then on the other side, you know, we think that the other side is just permissive parenting where it’s just, okay, let with the child needs to be able to have control, and they need to have a say in their life and listen to your kid and, and attachment and love them. And, we personally believe that, that the middle road is the best.

 

00;22;11;11 – 00;22;39;23

Kristin

Right? So we are the calm, confident leader of our homes, and that makes everybody feel safer and have everybody feel better. And it leads to that calm with that structure while still involving our our kids and making them feel like they are in control and that they have choices and that they’re a part of the team and they’re going to start working with you rather than kind of be either afraid of you or against you, or if they’re given too much power and control there, that’s just chaos is just total chaos.

 

00;22;39;26 – 00;23;06;06

Deena

Exactly. And, you know, how do toddlers thrive, really? They feel loved and valued and like they belong in the family. They feel that there’s predictability and consistency and they feel safe because when they feel safe, they can really calm down. It’s okay to take their guard down. And that’s kind of what we we strike here with. Every script that’s already built in is okay.

 

00;23;06;10 – 00;23;17;25

Deena

The feelings, the boundaries, the structure shift to the yes. Is that power and that that value in the family. So it’s built in in every single script that we have.

 

00;23;17;28 – 00;23;37;20

Dr. Mona

And the reason why I am so glad we are talking about it also is, the each that you focus on, right? The one, two, five the most I in my opinion, also the most impressionable years of developing sleep habits, behavior, habits, eating habits, like all these, all the core of who we are, I, I feel like is in the first five years.

 

00;23;37;20 – 00;23;57;02

Dr. Mona

That’s why I’m so into early childhood education. How we parent our children, how we handle our emotions in front of our children is key. And I am Indian. A lot of not all Indian families, but a lot of Indian American parents are very authoritarian. It’s just what it was. And not just me, but a lot of my friends like their fathers or mother, but usually the father.

 

00;23;57;07 – 00;24;18;19

Dr. Mona

Very authoritarian. And it was you know, spanking culturally was very common in our culture. And, you know, as I got older, I started understanding more as I learned more about child development and I learned more about myself, how much that impacted me as an adult. What, you know, how my parents parented me. Obviously they were loving parents, but they didn’t know because that’s what their parents did for them.

 

00;24;18;26 – 00;24;37;26

Dr. Mona

And that’s a, you know, their parents, parents did for them. So it’s really about anyone listening, understanding that if you were a parent it in that way, like you were in an authoritarian type of this is my way, you do this thinking, whatever it is, you can break that cycle and say, you know what? I didn’t like the way that made me feel.

 

00;24;37;26 – 00;24;57;13

Dr. Mona

I didn’t like the way that it created, you know, it created me. Who who I am today. I ended up having really bad temper, a really bad temper. And to me I attribute it to how I was treated. It they didn’t allow me to have that emotional freedom. And as I became a pediatrician and learn more about this, I was like, no, I don’t like that.

 

00;24;57;13 – 00;25;18;21

Dr. Mona

And I see that it can have a huge impact. And so for anyone listening, remember that that’s what we talked about the beginning, that this goal here is that we can change also just because something was done and you think you turned out fine, it’s always important to understand that there can be impacts for children, down the line that we may never really see because they’ll be a grown adult.

 

00;25;19;04 – 00;25;26;01

Dr. Mona

And they’re working on their own, their own issues now. But it’s important to recognize the big feelings that these little kids have.

 

00;25;26;04 – 00;25;53;24

Kristin

Yeah. And there’s, there’s I mean, Dina can tell you especially, but there’s so much research now, particularly in the way of spanking that is directly, directly related to more aggression. So, yeah, if you are listening and this was the way that you were parented and it’s just hard to get out of that cycle. And you feel like your kid is just not responding like you just you’re stuck in this punishment cycle, whether it’s the spanking or whether it’s timeouts, which I would not have put those two in the same category.

 

00;25;53;24 – 00;26;16;20

Kristin

And, you know, in terms of severity. But punishment cycles in general, if you feel really stuck, like you keep punishing and then they keep getting kind of quote unquote worse, it took more hitting and more biting. If that’s true, that’s exactly kind of what the research shows. And that when you’re when you’re doing things that are in a punishment based, fear kind of mentality, it’s really we’re not going to make any progress.

 

00;26;16;22 – 00;26;18;29

Kristin

And that’s what our pages all care for.

 

00;26;19;05 – 00;26;45;29

Deena

Exactly. Well, I mean, we’re talking about discipline now. And what’s the real meaning of discipline? It’s to teach you know, your kids, especially in this toddler stage, they don’t have life experience, they don’t know what they’re feeling or how to really connect their behaviorist outcomes. I mean, that’s our job is to discipline them by teaching them what they’re feeling and how they can handle these feelings.

 

00;26;46;02 – 00;27;16;08

Deena

And I think that’s an important thing to keep in mind. And like Kristen was saying, when kids feel scared, what the science shows is that they’re not learning. They go into a survival mode where they’re either fighting back or they’re trying to run away, and that just blocks learning. So if we want our kids to really learn coping skills, communication skills, ways of handling their feelings or needs constructively, we need to help them feel safe at the same time.

 

00;27;16;10 – 00;27;39;07

Dr. Mona

Agreed. And so what I want to do now, because this is again, is such a great conversation about toddlers and behavior and empowering parents to be the best versions of themselves and get through these years. I want to go through the instead of this, try this. We’re going to do a few examples. And again, for anyone who does not follow big little feelings when you go to their page on Instagram, a lot of their posts do go through this.

 

00;27;39;15 – 00;27;55;11

Dr. Mona

They, you know, have a lot of other information, but these are just almost like Kristen said earlier, just like little scripts. You might have to, you know, adjust it for what your needs are and what’s going on. But just kind of general examples and I think through these, you, all of you listening will get an idea of how to approach these situations.

 

00;27;55;17 – 00;28;00;07

Dr. Mona

So maybe we’ll do a few five or something. So if you want to start doing an example.

 

00;28;00;15 – 00;28;24;00

Kristin

Yeah let’s let’s do it. Okay. So so perhaps a very common one is food throwing. So whether your child is 12 months or five years, that’s for all of these scripts, by the way, that they’re all the same. And it’s all those same three steps. So with food throwing, instead of having a really big reaction and going, I told you a million times, don’t throw food.

 

00;28;24;00 – 00;28;27;26

Kristin

No, no, no, no, no. Dean is going to tell you what to do.

 

00;28;27;28 – 00;28;49;13

Deena

Okay, here’s what you can try. So you can let them know when you throw food. It tells me you’re all done or you all done. Right. We’re giving them this morning. We’re helping bring awareness to the food throwing. And then after that warning, the moment you see them throw food, you’re going to swoop in with that boundary and say, I see throwing okay.

 

00;28;49;13 – 00;29;15;12

Deena

All done. Now next time we eat will be snack time after we play outside and remove the food. No drama. We’re calm, we’re confident. But what that teaches them is that food throwing means all done right and that we’re not going to. It’s not a game like Kristen was saying, when we have a really big explosion, especially our pre verbal ones, what they end up seeing is like, oh, this is so fun.

 

00;29;15;12 – 00;29;34;27

Deena

When mom gets really excited and things get really big, and so it can actually reinforce something like food throwing or any unwanted behavior really. So holding that boundary with a calm, confident energy and just ending the game, so to speak, no more food throwing can really resolve that issue.

 

00;29;35;04 – 00;29;35;29

Dr. Mona

Awesome.

 

00;29;36;01 – 00;30;01;13

Kristin

Yeah. So another one is, kicking, biting, hitting. You know, we think that that’s I think when you’re in it, you just think, oh my God, I can’t believe my kid is doing this. Like, is there something wrong? All toddlers, they they hit, they kick and and some of them bite. Not all of them bite. If you’re ever concerned that this is going too far or it’s too much, you should always consult with your pediatrician, of course.

 

00;30;01;15 – 00;30;29;01

Kristin

But generally speaking, some exploration with hitting and kicking is normal. But the way that we react as a parent is going to really, really dictate if this is going to be a long lasting thing or if this is going to be a couple times, and then it kind of dies down. So when your child hits or kicks or bites anything physical or react, we what we want to avoid is a real, again, a really big reaction.

 

00;30;29;01 – 00;30;49;04

Kristin

So we really don’t think, let’s say they hit you or they hit their brother, you know. No no no no no no no. Right. So like if you’re doing the dishes and your kids are in the other room and one hits the other one, we’re not going to turn off the water. Walk over to them like grab, you know, look them right in the eyes and give a really loud no.

 

00;30;49;04 – 00;30;50;18

Kristin

We want to avoid that.

 

00;30;51;04 – 00;31;22;08

Deena

And instead we’re going to okay the feeling which would in this case sound like I see you’re angry. It’s okay to feel angry. Bring in that boundary. It’s not okay to hit. I’m going to move my body to stay safe. Or if it’s a sibling I’m going to move the baby to keep him safe. Right? That’s how we teach them about hitting is not only saying it’s not okay to hit, but with that boundary, we’re actually taking action by moving our body or moving the baby.

 

00;31;22;10 – 00;31;36;15

Dr. Mona

And if they continue to hit like if that in that moment, if they do continue to hit or do the action once you have okayed the boundary, obviously you gave the example for food, but how would you go about that in terms of a hitting physical behavior?

 

00;31;36;18 – 00;32;00;07

Deena

You’re going to actually help them stop your you’re going to calmly, gently say, okay, I’m going to hold your arms now to keep everyone safe. And you can give them kind of a bear hug or gently bring their arms to their side. And another key point is we want to teach them coping skills that shift to the yes in a hitting case is going to happen later, once they’re calmer.

 

00;32;00;09 – 00;32;25;11

Deena

Because what happens in a really I was going to say a toddler brain, it’s a human brain is when you are so emotionally activated, you really can’t take new information in. So mid tantrum. Mid meltdown is not the time to teach, but when they’ve calmed down you can go back, name the feelings with them, explain the situation and find better ways to express that feeling.

 

00;32;25;11 – 00;32;46;14

Deena

So it could sound like you know, earlier when your brother took your toy, I could see you were feeling so mad instead of hitting. Next time, what can we do? And you think together? Oh yeah, you could say, you know, I’m not done with that. Or you could, you know, if you feel like hitting, you can hit a pillow where it’s safe.

 

00;32;46;16 – 00;32;49;10

Deena

So we can teach them at a calmer moment.

 

00;32;49;13 – 00;33;10;06

Kristin

Yeah. In the moment, it’s really what we call is just containing and connecting. So we’re really when you’re saying that they’re not going to stop hitting, they keep going. Our only goal, even if you want to throw the script out the window, is to stay incredibly calm and just contain contain that aggression, just kind of stop it however you can to keep everyone safe.

 

00;33;10;06 – 00;33;31;04

Kristin

That’s all we’re trying to do in the moment because like Dina said, we’re not learning anything in the moment. So if we’re if we have a really big, loud reaction, first of all, they’re learning that, oh, this got mommy’s attention. I’m going to next time I want attention, I’m going to hit my brother. And if we do something like a timeout, so they’re screaming and wailing and and we’re putting them in a corner and they sit there for two minutes.

 

00;33;31;10 – 00;33;51;23

Kristin

Their brain is still in flight or fight mode. They’re not they didn’t learn anything in those two minutes by sitting in a chair. So really calmly keeping everyone safe. That’s really the only goal in that moment. And then later, like Dina said, the real key is to teach those coping skills. So next time they know something else to do.

 

00;33;51;26 – 00;34;09;24

Dr. Mona

And thank you for clarifying the not trying to teach them in the moment, because I think parents sometimes try to do that where it’s like even just imagine you talking to another adult who is yelling in your face, you’re not going to get anywhere if you’re yelling back, you’re not going to get anywhere. Someone needs to de-escalate the situation.

 

00;34;10;01 – 00;34;29;13

Dr. Mona

And unfortunately, it always has to be the parent. But that’s our job. So we have to understand that you think about it. If you if someone’s yelling at you, you’re not going to be like, okay, well, this is great. You have to be the calm one, like you said, and wait for that moment. And then when emotions are low and contain, say, okay, now let’s talk about it.

 

00;34;29;13 – 00;34;45;09

Dr. Mona

And I, I give that example because there was a mom in my office once who was was the sort of cycle of yelling at her kids. And she’s like, they don’t listen to me. I keep yelling at them, but they just don’t listen. And I said, I’m like, mom, I want you to understand, why do we think that yelling is going to be helpful?

 

00;34;45;13 – 00;35;05;03

Dr. Mona

And I’m like, I want you to for two weeks not to yell, control your tone and control the volume of your voice and see what happens. And it takes about a couple. It took a couple weeks and she said, oh my gosh, you’re right. Like I and I think parents forget that so much of this is conflict resolution and de-escalating a situation.

 

00;35;05;03 – 00;35;21;12

Dr. Mona

And I don’t know why we forget that they, you know, we can look at toddlers kind of how we would look at how we would want to be spoken to. We don’t want to be we don’t want someone to yell at us when we’re crying. We don’t want someone to yell at us when we’re having heavy emotions. So why would a two year old or four year old want the same thing?

 

00;35;21;12 – 00;35;22;19

Dr. Mona

You know?

 

00;35;22;21 – 00;35;40;13

Kristin

And you know, even beyond just the yelling, which is so true, by the way, it does take just a couple of weeks consistency. But even beyond yelling, think about as an adult, if you are screaming and upset and you’re just, gosh, you’re just next level mad, you don’t want to be reasoned with either, by the way. So you just got a parking ticket.

 

00;35;40;13 – 00;36;02;07

Kristin

You’re through the roof angry. You’re this, and your partner turns down. It’s like, dude, it’s not a big deal. Like, calm down, we can pay it. It’s not a big deal. You don’t want to hear the reason or the negotiating or anything like that. And so it’s yelling. But also, even when your child’s having a tantrum and you’re just stuck, that’s why you get angry because you’re like, why are you screaming?

 

00;36;02;07 – 00;36;18;09

Kristin

This is a purple crayon. You asked for a purple crayon and it just escalates, escalates, escalate. That’s exactly what this script is for, where it’s like, all we’re really trying to do is just say it’s okay to feel how you’re feeling. So you’re connecting those thing and containing you’re just kind of containing that moment.

 

00;36;18;11 – 00;36;24;05

Dr. Mona

I love it, and the next one, I think, is one that we commonly talk about, which is about crying. Right?

 

00;36;24;07 – 00;36;28;03

Kristin

Yeah. So this is kind of the biggest one, right?

 

00;36;28;05 – 00;36;51;23

Deena

Yeah. Kristen, you want me to give you the avoid do it. Yes okay. Okay. So when your kids are crying one thing that we are going to try to avoid is saying something like, you know, by the time I count to three, you need to stop crying or even just telling them you’re fine, stop crying. It’s okay. Which is a common response.

 

00;36;51;25 – 00;37;18;03

Kristin

Yeah. So instead, when you’re when your kid is crying or they’re angry or they are frustrated or they are doing any of those things, it’s that same. Okay, the feeling script of I see that you’re upset. It’s okay to feel upset. I’m here for you or you’re feeling mad. It’s okay to feel mad if a boundary happens to need to be in there, like, but iPad is all done or I won’t let you hit you.

 

00;37;18;03 – 00;37;47;23

Kristin

Throw that in there. But even just when there’s no boundaries, we often just they’re just upset. And you’re just it’s so tempting to say something like, you’re fine, you’re fine. Nothing’s wrong. It’s okay, it’s okay. It’s kind of that idea that we just talked about, of that sort of toxic positivity, or it’s a little bit dismissing again, as an adult, if you have a really tough day, a horrible day, you come home and like we just talked about, your partner is like, I don’t see what the big deal is, I really don’t.

 

00;37;47;25 – 00;38;00;08

Kristin

You’re just going to explode. You’re going to feel horrible. And it’s the same thing for our kids. It doesn’t matter if it makes sense or if it doesn’t make sense. It’s okay to feel sad. I hear you. I’m on your side.

 

00;38;00;10 – 00;38;10;27

Deena

No. Just one that comes to mind too. That like never helps me when I’m upset is you need to calm down. It’s like I’ve never helped anybody. But.

 

00;38;10;27 – 00;38;11;16

Kristin

Yeah, never.

 

00;38;11;16 – 00;38;14;00

Deena

Oh, common.

 

00;38;14;02 – 00;38;15;03

Dr. Mona

I think pretty much all.

 

00;38;15;03 – 00;38;31;09

Kristin

Toddlerhood is like, if you picture your husband or your wife or your partner saying that to you, are you going to explode or is it going to make you feel better? And that’s how I got no parent, Mike, where I’m like, if my husband turned to me right now and said, calm down, I would probably make me feel worse.

 

00;38;31;09 – 00;38;49;00

Dr. Mona

So a great example because that’s what it is. And it’s like, and you’re right, calm down. It makes everyone I don’t think anyone here is calm down, because what calm down basically says is that the person saying calm down is uncomfortable with the feeling. Obviously it’s not necessarily like they’re just they need you to calm down because they’re feeling uncomfortable.

 

00;38;49;23 – 00;39;10;20

Dr. Mona

And I like what I was about to say was, I just wish my parent like I wish so many grandparents can listen to this because the generations above us who I think not just, again, culturally for Indian, Indian families, but like in general, like this sort of stifling emotions. And even for me, like when I went through like birth trauma, I got so much like, okay, just don’t talk about it.

 

00;39;10;20 – 00;39;37;21

Dr. Mona

It’s okay. Everything’s okay. And I’m like, no, no, no, no, no. Like I’m going to express how awful it was. And I want that’s how I’m going to heal from it. But it’s just so fascinating to me that even, you know, even now, people are still trying to stifle, stifle these emotions of adults also, and, you know, definitely for children, I think that’s why, again, like, I love your account because it’s really important people realize that this is this is lifelong emotional healing.

 

00;39;37;21 – 00;39;40;04

Dr. Mona

And so it’s really needed completely.

 

00;39;40;04 – 00;40;01;27

Deena

And I’m going to swoop in as just a child therapist and a therapist in general to remind us that releasing and being authentic about what we feel is so healthy, being able to sit with a whole range of human emotions that we experience is really healthy. And when we don’t do that later in life, what does it end up looking like?

 

00;40;02;00 – 00;40;20;15

Deena

Anxiety. Depression? I mean depression. If you look at the word, it’s literally broken down into push down in Latin. We push our emotions down and become depressed. So again, yes, okay. The feeling is so healthy, so important for all of us.

 

00;40;20;15 – 00;40;39;07

Kristin

And by the way, Dina and I just like you’re saying in your you’re, you know, culturally that’s how. But I think it’s also for a lot of us just that’s just our parents generation. Dina and I, we did not grow up in a house that was okay. The feeling not at all. It was pretty much the the very much so, the opposite.

 

00;40;39;07 – 00;41;01;19

Kristin

And it still is, you know, every time just like you were saying, birth trauma with mine, with junior, she has medical issues and it’s the same thing where it’s like, but she’s going to be fine, but she’s so cute, but she’s so this but look at her and it’s like, it’s okay for me to say that I am upset that we go to a neurologist and I’m being told this information, it’s okay for us to have a hard time right now.

 

00;41;01;19 – 00;41;22;21

Kristin

It’s okay. You know, that just wasn’t really instilled in us. And and I didn’t get here until, you know, I started reading about all of this stuff in order to parent my kids this way. Up until four years ago, I was still pushing down my feelings, and just doing the same, the same sort of thing. So if you were raised in a different way, it’s hard.

 

00;41;22;21 – 00;41;39;07

Kristin

And Dena and I both were raised that way too. It this didn’t this doesn’t just come naturally to us, is what I’m trying to say. This takes a lot of work and research and it it’s hard, but it’s it’s so super, super worth it knowing that we’re going to change kind of that generational cycle for, for our kids.

 

00;41;39;14 – 00;41;59;13

Dr. Mona

Oh I agree it’s it’s so worth it. This is like an investment in our children investing in ourselves. And so I agree with it. That was a great example. I love I love you know, not saying stop, you know, stop crying. Okay. It was just it’s a small thing that we can do that just really helps them feel safe in that emotional moment of, hey, I’m sad.

 

00;41;59;13 – 00;42;19;25

Dr. Mona

And like you said, it’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to be happy. It’s okay to dance around like, you know, it’s all these emotions are so equally important. Happiness is not a period of sadness in many ways. It’s all emotions and it’s all part of us. And I love it. As you can see, I could talk with you all forever because.

 

00;42;19;27 – 00;42;30;11

Dr. Mona

I get hurt with so much joy, because I’m so glad that people all over will be able to hear this. You know, it’s just a nice conversation to be having. So I think we have a couple more examples.

 

00;42;30;16 – 00;42;53;06

Deena

Yeah, okay. Let’s do one that has both an okay the feeling and a boundary. So a common situation with toddlers so touching unsafe things right. They get into a lot of things. So in these moments what we’re going to try to avoid is again a big loud reaction which makes it a fun game to go over and touch the the outlet, the cord.

 

00;42;53;09 – 00;43;04;20

Deena

And we’re going to avoid 1 million warnings. So usually it’s the okay, don’t touch that. I said don’t touch that. You’re not listening. Please don’t touch that. And Kristen go ahead.

 

00;43;04;22 – 00;43;22;18

Kristin

Yeah. So instead what we want to do is we want to try that one reminder if we can. This is not safe. I won’t let you. And then if they go and we’re going to physically remove them. So this is usually probably what we call a taboo by the way there. Maybe like Pre-verbal, I would even say nine months up.

 

00;43;22;18 – 00;43;42;20

Kristin

Right. They’re starting to explore even at nine months. So so we want to kind of physically remove them and to let them know, I’m going to move you over here. Now, I see you want to touch that cord. That’s not safe. I won’t let you. Right. And you stay incredibly calm. I mean, that has to be the most important thing is staying incredibly calm.

 

00;43;42;22 – 00;44;00;24

Kristin

Then you want to tell them what they can do. So here’s some blocks that you can play and you put those in front of them. And this is going to take incredible consistency. First of all, when they’re pre-verbal. So it’s over and over and over I see that you want to touch that. That’s not safe I won’t let you I’m going to help you move.

 

00;44;00;26 – 00;44;21;28

Kristin

Here’s what you can do. And ideally, for those little ones, for the pre-verbal ones, we really want to create a yes space. We we want to create a space where we’re not following them around all day and having to move them and having to go somewhere. I mean, it’s hard. We get so many messages saying, how do I discipline my my nine month old?

 

00;44;21;28 – 00;44;37;25

Kristin

How do I discipline my, you know, 14 month old? And it’s like they really don’t have the understanding at this age to know you’re going to burn your hand when you do this. They will look at their when they’re two, when they’re two and a half. And you still need to stay right next to them, by the way.

 

00;44;37;28 – 00;44;57;27

Kristin

But at that younger age they just do not have that understanding. So really baby proofing, creating a yes space, whatever it means for you is going to be the best way to go. And then if and when you’re in the real world and these things happen and they’re around cords, you want to stick with this script over and over and over and over.

 

00;44;57;29 – 00;45;00;03

Kristin

Holding that boundary is so key.

 

00;45;00;05 – 00;45;18;05

Dr. Mona

You said it perfectly. I think the when they start to pull to stand crawling, when they start doing that, it definitely removing them from the space can actually, I think help in the future. Obviously when they’re toddlers are still going to get to that same cord that they wanted to get to, but that consistency early can actually help them understand.

 

00;45;18;05 – 00;45;36;12

Dr. Mona

Okay, well, why are we why are we having these some parts of the house that are not allowed and other parts are okay. And, yeah, I, we have a playpen for Ryan and I think it’s one of its huge playpen. Like we made it a huge area and it’s exactly everything in there is safe. Meaning nothing. He can topple over.

 

00;45;36;13 – 00;45;56;20

Dr. Mona

Nothing. So if we leave him there, he can do whatever he wants in that space. But anywhere else, if we say no, we that. And that’s the space we take him to now. Because if he and he loves the unsafe things, he loves the cords, he loves the the decorative pieces we have on our coffee table. He loves the metal height, the metal stool, bar stool.

 

00;45;56;20 – 00;46;12;29

Dr. Mona

It’s always the unsafe things that they go towards. And it’s also, you know, I have to teach my nanny about the big reactions because she’s a little older. And so she does like the no, no, no. And I say, just don’t be dramatic about it. We’re just going to take him away and say, you’re not allowed to touch this and we move him.

 

00;46;13;16 – 00;46;16;07

Dr. Mona

But it’s training every caretaker involved.

 

00;46;16;10 – 00;46;39;17

Kristin

Yes. And that consistency, that is communication. So when you think, okay, we can’t communicate, he doesn’t talk. She doesn’t talk. The best way to communicate with those little ones, let’s say unsafe things, is putting stuff in their mouth, putting sand in their mouth or paint or things like that. That consistency of those actions. Every time that they put sand into their mouth, we say, I won’t let you.

 

00;46;39;17 – 00;47;03;22

Kristin

That’s not safe. All done sand today. And we pick them up and we move them, like you’re saying right away, quickly, calmly, and with those actions every single time, they will learn. Okay, I put sand in my mouth. All done. Sand. I want to keep playing. I won’t put sand in my mouth. You’ll get there with consistency. But you, we won’t get there if a they think it’s a game because you’re going no no no no no.

 

00;47;03;22 – 00;47;16;19

Kristin

And they’re like oh funny. Or B we’re just saying the same boundary over and over and over and over and over and over. But they’re still in the sandbox, right. So how many times do you hear that we’re like, don’t put in your mouth. Don’t put in your mouth, don’t put it in your mouth. Don’t put in your mouth.

 

00;47;16;19 – 00;47;26;01

Kristin

But there’s no action happening. We’re never going to get anywhere. So it’s just quickly, swiftly, calmly. But every single time right off the bat okay, I’m going to move you over here.

 

00;47;26;06 – 00;47;43;12

Dr. Mona

And I love again when we talk about it going a little bit earlier. Same thing goes for like a nine month old. Again, I understand I agree with you completely that they’re not going to understand not to touch the hot stove. It takes a little bit longer for them. 18 months, two years. But the little nine month old that, you know, slaps your face and you start laughing.

 

00;47;44;00 – 00;48;04;02

Dr. Mona

And then you start, obviously, you’re saying, oh, I actually tell my families I’m like, don’t have a reaction to those things to so early, because they do look at it as a game, like Ryan will start slapping our face. And I, you know, initially my husband would start to, you know, say, oh, you know, oh, and now we just actually started to, like, not show any emotion when he does it and we just redirect him.

 

00;48;04;07 – 00;48;20;28

Dr. Mona

And he actually stopped doing that behavior. Of course, that behaviors can come back. I’m not saying that you do this now and the toddler is going to be amazing. But it’s nice, like, because when they’re babies, it does seem cute when they throw food, when they, you know, when they do little, you know, before they get into these toddler years, it can seem really adorable.

 

00;48;20;28 – 00;48;34;16

Dr. Mona

So you laugh and you’re like, oh, they’re slapping me in the face or pulling my hair. But if you can just not have a reaction to it and obviously redirect them, I think it can really help. And then one more example, which I also really good one.

 

00;48;34;19 – 00;48;55;03

Deena

Yeah, let’s do another one. So, you know, getting out the door can be really hard with toddlers. And when we’re trying to get out the door, we’re often asking them to get their shoes on, for example. So something we’re going to try to avoid is reaction like, okay, put your shoes on. Can you please put your shoes on now?

 

00;48;55;06 – 00;49;01;26

Deena

Okay, I need you to put your shoes on now. All right? And Kristen’s going to give us a try.

 

00;49;01;28 – 00;49;25;23

Kristin

So instead of do. Yeah. So what we want to try to do instead is we want to really calmly, again be that calm, confident leader. It’s time to leave now. Do you want to wear your purple shoes or your cowboy boots today? You pick. So it’s that going back to that idea of, giving them a choice, making them feel powerful, we’re choosing that it’s time to leave right now, where we’re going, what we’re doing.

 

00;49;25;26 – 00;49;43;27

Kristin

They get to choose which pair of shoes they want to wear. You’re giving them two choices, by the way, that are both pre-approved. You know, it’s it’s 220 degrees outside. We’re not offering sandals out there. And then this is where I think we get a lot of questions is, okay, what if they say, no, no shoes? Right.

 

00;49;43;29 – 00;50;11;07

Kristin

So a lot of times giving them that choice really shifts them into being like, yeah, this is me, I got this. I want the red shoes. But sometimes they’re still going to be like, no, no shoes and melt down. You want to quickly, calmly and firmly stick to that boundary right away. We’re not even asking, you know, if you want to ask a second time because you think maybe they didn’t hear you, sure, but we’re not repeating, okay, you want the purple shoes or the red shoes?

 

00;50;11;07 – 00;50;28;03

Kristin

Purple shoes. Are red shoes purple? No. If we’re saying no the first time, we’re going to step in really calmly and confidently, okay, you’re having a hard time picking your shoes. I’m going to pick the red ones today. You’ll pick the red ones tomorrow. It’s time to leave. And if we have to pick them up and they’re upset about it and it’s time to leave, then that’s what happens.

 

00;50;28;03 – 00;50;31;02

Kristin

It’s okay for them to be upset, but it’s time to leave.

 

00;50;31;05 – 00;50;43;12

Deena

Oh, highlight one other thing that Kristen actually did so beautifully. She didn’t ask an open ended question like, are you ready to put your shoes on? She said, it’s time to put your shoes on, which is so key.

 

00;50;43;14 – 00;51;10;21

Dr. Mona

And that’s about that boundary. And again, the bell choice or autonomy combination that you were mentioning. And I appreciate you also giving this example because you talked about how you may have to leave the door with a crying child. And I think parents often think that the end result of a tantrum will be that everyone does what you need to do, but sometimes you’re going to have to go on with your activity and you know everyone has to stay calm, especially the adult, and move on.

 

00;51;10;21 – 00;51;27;08

Dr. Mona

And you. And that is the consistency. Because what I find happens is that when a parent, the child continues crying, they retreat from that boundary and they say, okay, well, let’s just stay home or let’s just not you don’t have to do shoes. You don’t have to do anything, because then that gives them the power of the of the whining and the tantrum.

 

00;51;27;08 – 00;51;29;27

Dr. Mona

So I love that example a lot.

 

00;51;30;00 – 00;51;45;25

Kristin

Yeah. I mean, the negotiating to where it’s just like a time to go are the blue this or that? Sure that that’s true. Know that shoes what they’re learning. Like Dina said earlier, they just learned that they got like 15 more minutes of exactly what they wanted. Right? A really good example of this exact scenario two is leaving the park.

 

00;51;45;25 – 00;52;06;12

Kristin

So so that same thing words. That’s where I see it a lot with parents. You never want to be picking up a screaming child leaving the park or the playground. And so I see so many parents, myself included in the past, where you’re just going back and forth. Okay, fine. Two more minutes. Okay, fine. We just learned that we got 15 more minutes of exactly what they wanted, right?

 

00;52;06;12 – 00;52;27;00

Kristin

Of staying at the park or staying, not putting their shoes on. They learned that that’s what they got. But when you can just pick up that that crying kid really empathize. It’s hard to leave the park. It’s time to leave now. And you do it right away. I promise you, with that consistency, it it goes away because they’re they’re learning.

 

00;52;27;00 – 00;52;34;07

Kristin

When mom says it’s time to leave the park, it’s time to leave the park. There’s no question about it. You know, there’s no it’s happening.

 

00;52;34;09 – 00;52;51;05

Deena

Yeah. And I’m glad you clarified that too, because we’ve gotten the question. Well, I don’t have 45 minutes to just sit with them and. Okay, the feelings until they’re done. Well, no, you can hold the boundary, carry them and still. Okay. The feelings on the way to the car. Yeah. Yeah. Yes.

 

00;52;51;07 – 00;53;10;06

Dr. Mona

Oh. So important. And I love that. That was the final example because like I said, it’s you don’t have that time and you are like you said, the calm, cool, collected leader of your home, that you’re going to be making those boundaries and, and you also mentioned a really good example that we create. The major boundary is we create what shoes options they have.

 

00;53;10;06 – 00;53;24;08

Dr. Mona

And you can’t allow them to wear sandals in 20 degree weather. And especially with a coat. Some kids don’t want to wear the coat. Do you want you wear your blue coat or your red coat? If they don’t want to wear the coat, the coat goes on and we move on. But it’s so, I love it. I do not.

 

00;53;24;08 – 00;53;40;02

Dr. Mona

And Kristen, I’m just I’m loving all this behavior talk. I, I really appreciate you, both of you, for being on this episode today because it’s so important. And like I said, I love your account. Tell me more about your course. Like what a family can get out of that if they end up buying your course.

 

00;53;40;04 – 00;54;08;24

Kristin

Yeah. So we made our course, specifically with, with busy parents in mind and also grandparents, by the way, caregivers, nannies, everybody on your caregiving team gets access. And that was incredibly important to us that that that mom, dad, caregiver, nanny, grandma you could all watch it. And we kept everyone in mind with busy. So it’s 2 to 10 minute long videos each and you have access forever so that you can go at your own pace.

 

00;54;08;24 – 00;54;33;25

Kristin

I think that always holds me back personally because I’m like, what am I ever going to do this right? So you can sneak in a video during that time and, it really is a combination of Dina using everything that she has used in her child therapy practice for years for all different kinds of kids, high energy kids, strong world kids, nervous kids, shy kids, all different kids, and also all different parents.

 

00;54;33;25 – 00;54;56;16

Kristin

So working parents stay at home parents. It we really try to make it as inclusive for all different kinds of kids, all different parents, all different lifestyles. And we walk you through what to do in the middle of a tantrum. We have a seven step plan of of what to do in the moment of the tantrum. We teach you how to be the calm, confident leader in your home.

 

00;54;56;18 – 00;55;25;24

Kristin

We have a whole section on discipline because that can be incredibly confusing when you want to be quote unquote gentle parenting, but still discipline. And then we have a section that is called that Breaks down. Honestly, every single type of problem under the sun, which was kind of my addition as a real mom being like, okay, everything that Dina has in her child therapy and her research with neurobiology, but what do you do when they have an accident in their pants?

 

00;55;25;27 – 00;55;40;15

Kristin

Right. How what do how do we take away a pacifier? So we have a section that is literally just every it’s bathtime, bedtime, brushing teeth. You know, any kind of pushback that you can have. We broke it down there.

 

00;55;40;17 – 00;55;50;23

Deena

Yeah. And something I love about our course, too, is that it teaches you how to make a script for any situation so that you feel super confident.

 

00;55;50;25 – 00;56;09;28

Dr. Mona

And it’s awesome because we I mean, we just gave five examples, but I know obviously for following your account, how many more, like you said, like the bath time, bedtime, whatever it is, there’s so many situations that come through that you can use a similar scripting, but it’s nice to hear the examples. And obviously I know Kristen, you have two children.

 

00;56;10;02 – 00;56;30;12

Dr. Mona

Dina, you’re pregnant, expecting any day now. But hearing the real life examples also I know is very helpful to other parents too. For Kristen, you know, like, hey, it may have been like this and this is what we changed. And I know you talk about that Kristen a lot on the on your Instagram, you’ll talk about, you know, leaving the park with your girls and then you know, what you guys did to change things and how it helped them.

 

00;56;30;12 – 00;56;50;01

Dr. Mona

So that’s a lot of the reason why I love your account too. It’s the it’s the mix. And I’m so excited, Dina, to, you know, obviously welcome your new baby any day now. I know, you know, it’s even you’re in this field as a person who’s also in the, you know, obviously a professional in the medical field, it’s like, you know, all this stuff, but now you get to actually apply it and it’s going to be so awesome.

 

00;56;50;01 – 00;56;51;27

Dr. Mona

So I’m so excited for you.

 

00;56;51;29 – 00;56;55;26

Deena

Oh thank you. Me too. I can’t wait for everyone.

 

00;56;55;26 – 00;57;11;03

Dr. Mona

I’m going to be attaching their Instagram handle and also, their website so that if you want to check out their course, but you definitely need to give them a follow because you will learn so much just from obviously their stories and their posts. And again, thank you both for being here today.

 

00;57;11;09 – 00;57;14;22

Deena

No, thank you. I know I want to hang out more.

 

00;57;14;24 – 00;57;33;00

Dr. Mona

Oh, I loved it too. Have a great day. Thank you for tuning in for this week’s episode. I hope you guys enjoyed it. As always, please leave a review, share it with a friend, comment on my social media and if you’re not already, follow me at PedsDocTalk on Instagram. I love doing this for all of you.

 

00;57;33;04 – 00;57;36;10

Dr. Mona

Have a great rest of your week. Take care. Talk to you soon!