In December 2019, we gave birth to our beautiful son. It was under the most difficult of circumstances where both he and I were in the ICU. Over the last 1.5 years, we thought our story would be different but we realized we had secondary infertility from the delivery and complications.

In this episode of The Finding Joy Series, I share our story: How we found out we had secondary infertility, the ups and downs of that process, our decision to start IVF, and how Im navigating this emotionally and physically draining process.

00;00;08;28 – 00;00;32;20

Dr. Mona

Welcome back to the PedsDocTalk podcast and the finding Joy series. This is a series where I talk about mindset shifts. I talk about the really difficult times that we have in our lives. I share personal stories. I share stories that I have seen talking to other families. I talk about the ups and downs and how we can navigate it to see brighter days ahead.

 

00;00;32;22 – 00;00;58;19

Dr. Mona

Now, when you listen to this episode’s title, Secondary Infertility After Birth Trauma, the title is going to seem like an oxymoron. How can you find joy during trauma and infertility? This is something that is very emotionally, physically draining, and I currently am experiencing the secondary infertility process after a traumatic delivery about two and a half years ago. Little under that.

 

00;00;58;22 – 00;01;27;10

Dr. Mona

And this is far from finding joy. This is a story about honesty, vulnerability, and reality. Sharing this story is my strength. When I feel weak, telling you my story is my joy when I feel sad. The duality exists in such beauty because I have grieved so many things in the last two years as a woman and as a mother that I want to share with you.

 

00;01;27;12 – 00;01;53;26

Dr. Mona

This grief and processing. This grief has allowed me to grow so without any surprise here, there’s going to be a huge trigger warning before you continue listening about birth, trauma and infertility, because I will be discussing both. Now, if this is the first time you’re listening to the finding Joy series, remember this is a raw and honest series where I take difficult events in our lives, difficult feelings, and discuss how to grow from it, from a growth mindset perspective.

 

00;01;54;02 – 00;02;12;28

Dr. Mona

This isn’t toxic positivity. It’s a positive mindset coaching so that we can feel the feelings of difficulty and move through them at our own pace. If you do love the finding Joy series or any of my episodes of, make sure to leave a review or rating. Share it with a friend or on Instagram and tag me so more people can find this podcast.

 

00;02;13;00 – 00;02;32;00

Dr. Mona

So in this podcast episode, I will not be discussing what happened during our son’s delivery or be discussing the hormone stimulation anger trial process I’ve gone through this year. If you’re curious to know about Ryan’s birth story, make sure you check it out on my blog. You can type in Ryan’s birth story or birth trauma. I also have a podcast episode.

 

00;02;32;00 – 00;03;00;13

Dr. Mona

Episode 15 How Birth Trauma Changed My Life, where I talk about this sort of mindset of how it has made my life better. And yes, it did make my life better in some ways. I also have a YouTube vlog, my first ever vlog coming out this week of the release of the podcast where I talk about the hormone stimulation journey, the ups and downs of that, and all the things that I’ve learned going through IVF for the first time after having a traumatic delivery.

 

00;03;00;15 – 00;03;23;04

Dr. Mona

But in this episode, I am going over how we found out I had secondary infertility. The journey to decide to do IVF. The emotions that came with it, and also how I’m reframing my mindset to get through this very emotionally and physically draining process. After having gone through a very traumatic delivery to have my son. So we started trying to get pregnant when Ryan was about 11 months old.

 

00;03;23;04 – 00;03;44;04

Dr. Mona

So this was November of 2020. We used a fertility monitor that checks hormones for ovulation, and we use the same monitor for Ryan. With Ryan, we use that monitor and we got pregnant in three months. This time around I was checking it and I continued to ovulate from the monitor, but we just weren’t getting pregnant. Months and months were passing and I just felt like something was wrong.

 

00;03;44;04 – 00;04;10;06

Dr. Mona

You know, after five months, I told my husband that I was concerned I was ovulating, but something just didn’t feel right. I also just felt concerned because I had a lot of trauma and scarring from my initial C-section and the explore artery laparotomy I had a week later. My C-section scar was a mess. It had so much scar tissue and I was just worried that is there something internally going wrong?

 

00;04;10;09 – 00;04;30;22

Dr. Mona

Is there something anatomical? And I kept bringing up to my husband that I just felt like something wasn’t right. Being the amazing husband he is, he reassured me in a good way, not a dismissive way. Right? He said, look, there’s no harm in checking it out, but you are young and we’ve only been trying for five months and they say six months, so why don’t we give it another couple months and we’ll see.

 

00;04;30;25 – 00;04;55;08

Dr. Mona

I ended up calling in March of 2021 and the next available wasn’t until June. So my advice is, if you’re considering making a fertility appointment, call in advance because there is a waiting time. I am so grateful that I made the appointment when I did at 35, and have been trying to get pregnant for more than six months, then you should be seeing a fertility doctor if you’re under 35.

 

00;04;55;08 – 00;05;15;03

Dr. Mona

It’s trying for a year, but honestly, if you are concerned, call. See what they say. Make an appointment. But I went to see the fertility doctor in June. She was recommended to me by one of my best friends, who also utilized her to get pregnant with her child via IVF. I told her my story and she was shocked, and I was actually shocked because I’m like, I’m sure you hear a lot of horrifying stories.

 

00;05;15;03 – 00;05;44;07

Dr. Mona

And she was shocked at what happened. And honestly reliving the story every time I talk about it, even almost two and a half years later, it is so vivid in my head. And even though I’ve grown around my grief of the birth trauma, you will never forget it. I mean, I’ve still, while I’m recording this podcast episode, can visualize and see everything that happened during that moment and during the weeks that followed after Ryan was born.

 

00;05;44;09 – 00;06;05;20

Dr. Mona

So I told her my story. I’m so grateful I went in. She ordered a uterine ultrasound, bloodwork and an HST, which is a history of cell Pingo Graham, which looks at the fallopian tubes and uterus as well. The ultrasound looked amazing. The bloodwork was amazing. This looks at hormone levels, ovarian reserve, things like that. And then she did the HSC.

 

00;06;05;22 – 00;06;33;29

Dr. Mona

So they shot the dye in through the uterus and it went to the uterus beautifully. Went to the right fallopian tube beautifully. But it didn’t go anywhere in the left. So I had so much scar tissue in my fallopian tube, which 100%. We can’t say it was directly from the trauma of the delivery. However, traumatic deliveries and C-sections can cause adhesions and scarring.

 

00;06;33;29 – 00;06;57;22

Dr. Mona

Leading to this, I developed something called a hydro scalping. So this is when there’s damage and blockage of a portion of the fallopian tube that causes it to become filled with fluid. The swollen and fluid filled tube is called that hydro cell things. And this hadrosaur things meant that fluid was back flowing into my uterus, making it an uninhabitable place.

 

00;06;57;24 – 00;07;22;23

Dr. Mona

So even if I were to ovulate and conceive off my right ovary, the embryo would not be able to implant in a uterus in this condition. So the only way to proceed to have any chance of getting pregnant would be to remove the fallopian tube that left fallopian tube and almost reset the uterus and allow the right side to work, hoping that I will ovulate off the right and we can get pregnant.

 

00;07;22;25 – 00;07;40;08

Dr. Mona

And as I laid on that bed as she was doing the HSC, like I said, I felt like something was anatomically not right. She did the uterus stuff. I was like, okay, thank God. But then as she was doing the HSC, I knew something was up, I felt it. It’s this weird intuition that weirdly, I had even during Ryan’s birth trauma.

 

00;07;40;10 – 00;07;58;24

Dr. Mona

And I cried a lot when I found out about the hydro cell pings. I laid on that bed and I just started sobbing, and my doctor was amazing. You know, if she let me cry and said of anything, this is the problem she can fix, you know, I can take this out, we can take this out and we can be okay.

 

00;07;58;29 – 00;08;19;09

Dr. Mona

I can reset your uterus and you can have a baby. She was so optimistic. And it helped, even as I was grieving. To hear a doctor feel hopeful about my situation was very helpful. And part of me when I lay there crying, wasn’t even being upset about the diagnosis because in my heart of hearts I knew something was up.

 

00;08;19;11 – 00;08;36;11

Dr. Mona

It was also a little bit of relief to know that there was a reason why we weren’t getting pregnant. And I know in infertility not many people have a reason. But I felt like, you know, I have this reason. There is a blockage in my fallopian tube and that is why I’m not able to get pregnant. Maybe with hope.

 

00;08;36;11 – 00;08;56;28

Dr. Mona

If we take that out, then I’ll have a chance. And like I said, hope can really help when it comes from someone else is taking care of you, but also for me as well. So the plan from here was to take out the fallopian tube and if she takes it out, we can do timed ultrasounds to see when I ovulate off the right side and have sex the old fashioned way.

 

00;08;57;00 – 00;09;25;16

Dr. Mona

She was very hopeful, which, like I said, is something that really helps when you’re going through this journey. So the plan was to remove the fallopian tube, visualize the right fallopian tube, and take a biopsy of the uterus while we were in there. My reproductive endocrinologist is very skilled, but because of the amount of trauma I had and the scar tissue, she recommended an oncology surgeon because if for any reason my fallopian tube was adhered to the bowel, she wouldn’t be able to continue.

 

00;09;25;16 – 00;09;46;09

Dr. Mona

She would have to open me up, and then she would have to close up because she can’t take out the fallopian tube. If it’s touching the bowel that’s near it. That is something for someone who’s more skilled, like an oncology surgeon. So we decided to go with the oncology surgeon because I did not want to be opened up with the chance that I would have to be closed up again and opened up again.

 

00;09;46;11 – 00;10;12;14

Dr. Mona

He was so kind and amazing. Just like our Ray doc, these two were exactly what I needed. After Ryan’s delivery. I lost trust in a lot of OBS and my medical team, and this is really hard for me to say because I’m also a physician. But it was really hard for me to trust anybody again with my Gyn care, my OB care.

 

00;10;12;16 – 00;10;42;03

Dr. Mona

And how this happened is I had a lot of my symptoms dismissed for anxiety. I was overwhelmed with my son being in the NICU, and they thought that all of my symptoms and complaints were all psych driven when they actually were sepsis, landing me in the ICU. So I lost trust when the OB responsible for my care never apologized, never acknowledged what happened to me, and just sort of dismissed me in this whole experience, knowing very well that they made a mistake.

 

00;10;42;05 – 00;11;04;27

Dr. Mona

So to go back to a doctor was very hard in this whole process. To trust again was hard after I felt hurt by a medical system and a medical professional. As a physician myself. So having the surgeon be so understanding and so welcoming of my experience and really just saying to me, I’ll take care of you was all I needed.

 

00;11;05;00 – 00;11;27;11

Dr. Mona

It helped me so much. July 19th, 2021 I had my surgery because of the Delta surge. With the Covid 19 pandemic, they wouldn’t allow anybody with me. By then. I had the C-section with my husband in the room, which was very traumatizing. I had to repeat abdominal surgery to remove infected abscesses and fluid. A week after my C-section.

 

00;11;27;11 – 00;11;51;06

Dr. Mona

And I was scared and I was nervous and I was alone. I mean, this entire process was not something I wanted to go through, but I really wanted to try to have another baby. And being alone because of the whole Delta precautions made it a little bit harder. But I also trusted the surgeon. He told me in the kindest way when I did the consultation, I am going to take care of you.

 

00;11;51;08 – 00;12;11;23

Dr. Mona

I am going to make it where I can help you have a baby. And I know he can’t control everything. I know my aria doctor can’t control everything, but just hearing the sincerity in someone’s voice matters, especially in this fertility journey. They can’t give me a money back guarantee. That’s not how this works, but they can give me hope.

 

00;12;11;25 – 00;12;31;20

Dr. Mona

The surgery went well. I unfortunately did develop keloids in the area over the laparoscopic procedure happened. They’re very small, but they itch and it’s fine. But while he was there, he removed a ton of my scar tissue I developed on my C-section scar that was causing me a lot of pain and discomfort. And honestly, I’m forever grateful to him.

 

00;12;31;27 – 00;12;54;12

Dr. Mona

That’s not something that was expected to happen. But he said, look, I was in there. I noticed so much scar tissue. I’m just going to revise it so that you can have more comfort. He took a biopsy of my uterus, visualized the right fallopian tube which was patent, and saw the left. He had to remove the entire fallopian tube, which was actually adheres to bowel, and he meticulously removed it.

 

00;12;54;14 – 00;13;20;29

Dr. Mona

He says that it was almost like internal plastic surgery for my pelvic organs. They basically tidy it all up so they can reset and hopefully get me pregnant via IVF. So it was smart. We went with him because of the adhesions. The surgery went well and in September we finally decided to do timed ultrasounds. The idea was that we could avoid IVF if we do timed ultrasounds, checking to see what side I ovulate and have sex the old fashioned way.

 

00;13;21;01 – 00;13;40;18

Dr. Mona

With this, we were checking to see if the ovulation was happening off the right side, which is where my fallopian tube was. Pain. If I ovulated off the right, then we knew that we could try to conceive naturally. So we started the timed ultrasounds where I would go in when I’m ovulating and luck would have it. I ovulated off the left side were a reminder.

 

00;13;40;18 – 00;14;01;18

Dr. Mona

I do not have a fallopian tube on that side, and the next month again on the left side, the next month again on the left side, the next month again on the left side. So four months in a row we were dealing with a left sided ovulation. And it’s discouraging. I mean, this is actually, to be honest, the hardest part of the whole journey so far was the timed ultrasounds.

 

00;14;01;18 – 00;14;17;06

Dr. Mona

Because you have a hope and you have a vision, you’re like, you know what? This is going to work, but you have no control over which side you’re going to ovulate. So we just had to wait and hope that maybe the next time will be the right side. And I could even see the disappointment in my ultrasound techs faces when they did the ultrasounds.

 

00;14;17;06 – 00;14;37;01

Dr. Mona

They also were hoping for that right side, but they can’t control it. So then we realized that I’m getting older. You know, at the timing of this recording, I’m now 36 years old and we wanted to have another child. So the reality also became that I could just be a left sided ovulate, or some people just constantly ovulate on one side.

 

00;14;37;01 – 00;15;08;01

Dr. Mona

And we wouldn’t have known that unless we did the timed ultrasounds. So with no fallopian tube on that side, there would be very, very, very, very little or no chance of getting pregnant. And so we decided in January that we would do IVF. This appointment was with my husband and I and our doctor. I cried the entire drive home, and it’s interesting because I had gone through already the understanding that I had the diagnosis of the Hydra cell pings, that we had the surgery.

 

00;15;08;03 – 00;15;28;29

Dr. Mona

But when I had to make the decision to do IVF to grow my family, I was angry. Angry at my care team from Ryan’s delivery, angry that my body would be going through this trauma again. Angry that I was in the situation. Angry that other people seemed to have it easier to get pregnant. And why is this happening?

 

00;15;28;29 – 00;16;01;27

Dr. Mona

And why does it just not seem fair? Once I felt my anger, once I felt all that grief that comes with infertility, that comes with birth trauma, that comes with any type of trauma, I had space to heal. I had space to accept this reality. Our reality is that we want another child. Our reality was that we want to try to have our child in my body, that I can carry again, that I want to try to have a baby where I can take that baby to a C-section and not have the experience we had with Ryan.

 

00;16;01;29 – 00;16;27;14

Dr. Mona

I want another baby. And that was my dream. So I accepted our reality. But that doesn’t take away the pain of making a huge financial, emotional, and physical decision. We quickly figured out the timing and had my parents come fly out when our egg retrieval would be. Which if you watched my YouTube video where I highlight this experience of the hormonal stimulation and egg retrieval, which is released on April 22nd.

 

00;16;27;16 – 00;16;48;24

Dr. Mona

That egg retrieval was on March 23rd. You know, this entire process feels so much like a protocol. So if you’re listening to this and you’ve gone through IVF, you can relate. If you have not. It is just very structured. Although I was treated like a human being, you know, obviously I had these appointments and whatnot. The way they managed to IVF at this very large practice is very systematic.

 

00;16;48;24 – 00;17;10;23

Dr. Mona

You know, you make an appointment with an IVF coordinator, they give you a calendar, they tell you which meds you’re going to take and how to get that from the pharmacy. And then you go to your doctor on visits to monitor the follicle growth. Once you go to these appointments, you call a personalized voicemail line to find out your bloodwork results and the meds that you’re going to be injecting that evening.

 

00;17;10;28 – 00;17;36;19

Dr. Mona

And if you need to increase the meds in any way, I did 15 total nights of hormone stimulation, the longest of anyone I personally knew, and I ended up having eight mature eggs retrieved at the time of the recording. Right now, I’m not reporting any embryos, but I’m hoping that this can be another positive update for my community in a different episode on my social media or on my YouTube channel.

 

00;17;36;21 – 00;18;03;08

Dr. Mona

This entire journey has been overwhelming, isolating, but fascinating. I have felt so much sadness, grief, and loss before I even started IVF, and I think anyone who has gone through the process can say that they have had to deal with the grief and trauma of the IVF process. I had grief for not being able to conceive the good old fashioned way.

 

00;18;03;10 – 00;18;38;01

Dr. Mona

I think we forget how lucky we are to conceive unassisted, have a healthy pregnancy, have a normal delivery. I was so grateful to have a healthy pregnancy with Ryan with no difficulty conceiving, and now I’m experiencing IVF. I’ve had to experience a traumatic delivery and I had to experience the delivery of a child with medical complications. It made me cry, but it also made me believe I knew something was wrong, and I felt validated in knowing that I did the right thing by getting myself evaluated.

 

00;18;38;03 – 00;18;57;05

Dr. Mona

Knowing is powerful and I trusted my doctor. I am uncertain with what’s going to happen with this entire process, you know? But at the same time, I feel it in my bones that we are going to have a baby through this process. And I keep telling my husband, it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen. And that mindset doesn’t make things happen.

 

00;18;57;05 – 00;19;14;21

Dr. Mona

I think we forget that you can’t make things happen just by willing it, but all I can do right now is just hope and believe that we are going to add a baby to our family via IVF. I don’t know the future, but I do have hope because sometimes hope is all we have in a situation where we have no control.

 

00;19;14;24 – 00;19;34;05

Dr. Mona

And I think having gone through the experience with the Ryan, I learned the power of hope when Ryan was born and he had a stroke and seizures. I had to really accept the fact that I can only do so much. I can’t control what his outcomes are going to be with this stroke. Is he going to need to be on seizure meds the rest of his life?

 

00;19;34;05 – 00;19;51;27

Dr. Mona

Is he going to walk? Is he going to talk? I had no idea what was going to happen. And so all I knew to do was to do the best that I can with the resources I have, and I engage him developmentally. I go to my appointments that I need to. I see the neurologist, I take the meds, but I also have to just hope that things will work out as they should.

 

00;19;51;29 – 00;20;13;14

Dr. Mona

My husband has asked me how I have managed this so well, and I don’t like using the term so well because I feel like I manage things well because I just feel my feelings. You know, this entire process making the decision to do IVF injections, waiting for follicle development, which was honestly extremely stressful because it took me 15 days to even have major follicle development.

 

00;20;13;16 – 00;20;33;14

Dr. Mona

The doctor’s visits and everything else that has gone on has been a lot for him to watch and for me to do and take in myself. So how am I managing this? And it’s hard because if you’re dealing with this and maybe you have secondary infertility or maybe you have primary infertility, you may find some of these things may not help you, and some of it will.

 

00;20;33;14 – 00;20;56;00

Dr. Mona

And I hope that you can take what works for you. Here are just eight ways I have found joy and heartache during infertility. Number one, I have allowed myself to be extremely vulnerable. And I’ve told you this even when I had my birth trauma experience that experienced that vulnerability for the first time, feeling extremely physically and emotionally vulnerable allowed for an amazing breakthrough.

 

00;20;56;03 – 00;21;18;03

Dr. Mona

After Ryan’s delivery, I gave myself more and more permission to feel vulnerable, to be upset, to feel my feelings so I can navigate it through it better. For so long before Ryan’s delivery, I resisted emotions, my anxiety, anything. I would just say no, no, no. And now I learned that I have to accept it and accept the reality so that I can move forward in my own time.

 

00;21;18;07 – 00;21;34;27

Dr. Mona

When family members would tell me, you know, be grateful or it’s not so bad, people have it worse. I kindly explain to them that these are not things that I want to hear right now. I need you to listen without judgment and let me feel my feelings. And I think any one of us can agree that we understand.

 

00;21;34;27 – 00;21;55;27

Dr. Mona

If you’re going through difficult times, that there are people going through much worse. But when you are experiencing true grief and true sadness, that’s the last thing you want to hear. You want to hear. It’s okay to be sad. What do you need for me? How can I help you in this situation so that you can process those emotions and those feelings in your own way, in your own time versus feeling like you have to push away the feelings.

 

00;21;55;27 – 00;22;18;23

Dr. Mona

That is why so many women and parents and people just don’t get help for their mental health, because they feel like if they say anything, people are going to feel like they’re not grateful enough that they have to feel a certain way. Know you need to feel your feelings. Don’t push them away. I embraced my feelings and this has better allowed me to process hard times, and my husband allows me to do so.

 

00;22;18;29 – 00;22;39;02

Dr. Mona

My loved ones that I confide in about this entire experience also allow me to do so. And that is what has helped me so much already in this fertility journey. Number two is I journal every day. I journal my feelings, my anger, my happiness, my frustration, my joy, my manifestations, my hope. I let it all out onto paper.

 

00;22;39;04 – 00;22;56;29

Dr. Mona

I haven’t seen a therapist, but I know when I’m going to need one and that is self insight. I am able right now to manage so much of this with the mindset shifts that I have learned through the last two years and beyond. But I know that if I need a therapist, I will have one if I need it.

 

00;22;57;01 – 00;23;19;15

Dr. Mona

Number three is I’ve leaned on friends who have gone through something similar. The infertility community is extremely powerful. I think they’re amazing. I have friends that have gone through this. I have people in my new mom squad on my course, who have gone through this so much support. I personally have found that the fertility community could be the only people I could talk to about this.

 

00;23;19;15 – 00;23;39;11

Dr. Mona

You know, I have amazing friends who have gone through other experiences, but they have not experienced infertility, and although they are amazing, I respect that they can’t help me how I need to be helped right now in this season. And that’s so important. You could have amazing people in your life, but you have to learn who are the people that can serve you at this purpose and this junction in your life.

 

00;23;39;11 – 00;24;02;27

Dr. Mona

And doesn’t mean that you don’t talk to those other friends, but you talk to him about other things. But I knew which friends I would be able to lean on as I was going through this journey, and it tended to be my friends who have gone through fertility treatments. Number four, as I listen to uplifting stories. So I leaned on my new mom squad, which is part of my course, and I also asked them for positive stories when I found out I wasn’t developing many follicles.

 

00;24;02;29 – 00;24;21;21

Dr. Mona

Yes, IVF is not always successful, I know that I do. I mean, everyone understands that it’s not a guarantee that you do IVF and you end up with a baby, but what purpose is that serving to hear the failure rates, I wanted to focus on positivity rates and use hope as a motivator. And managing my expectations was very important.

 

00;24;21;21 – 00;24;43;02

Dr. Mona

As well. But having hope is saying to yourself, I understand I can’t control this outcome, but I sure as hell gonna hope that it works out. Number five is removing expectations and comparison and remembering that this is my journey and my family’s journey. I can’t guarantee what’s going to happen. I learned this from Ryan’s birth. None of this is in my control.

 

00;24;43;04 – 00;24;59;22

Dr. Mona

None of this is my fault. I think sometimes as moms and even in this infertility world, we blame ourselves way too much that I should have done this and I could have done this. But it’s not our fault. I didn’t ask to have a traumatic birth. I did everything right, quote unquote, in pregnancy. I didn’t ask to have secondary infertility.

 

00;24;59;28 – 00;25;21;08

Dr. Mona

This is just life. And honestly, we shouldn’t blame ourselves. This shouldn’t be the case. None of this was expected. None of this may seem fair. And I will do a whole other episode about fairness, but this is my reality and I can accept both sides that hey, this kind of sucks to spend all my time, energy, and money on IVF treatments.

 

00;25;21;11 – 00;25;44;29

Dr. Mona

But I can also look at the fact that this can lead us to having another baby after trauma that rendered me infertile. Number six is I’ve looked at the financial investment of IVF as energy. This whole process already has cost us about $21,000. We pay it as a package upfront for all of the methods egg retrieval that transfer for the embryo.

 

00;25;45;01 – 00;26;06;19

Dr. Mona

All of that is part of a package. And when I look at money as energy, although it doesn’t seem fair to have to pay $21,000 to do what millions get to do for free multiple times without any injections or finances that they need. I know that this energy will come back in the form of either a beautiful baby or strength through adversity.

 

00;26;06;21 – 00;26;23;21

Dr. Mona

I want to have a baby. I mean, that is my ultimate dream. That is my ultimate hope. And I don’t want to set an expectation because I don’t want disappointment. But I’m hoping this, that this is going to happen for us. But money is energy, and if you’re investing it into something that is meaningful to you, it will come back to you in some way, in a positive way.

 

00;26;23;24 – 00;26;43;26

Dr. Mona

So if you’re struggling with that cost, obviously we have to find out where to get that money from. I mean, that’s a reality. But when you finally have figured out the payment and you’re lamenting that this is really hard, I don’t want to pay this. I hated that we had to shell out $21,000. But I also know that it’s energy, and this energy will serve us in some way.

 

00;26;43;29 – 00;27;10;29

Dr. Mona

And I pray that we don’t have to pay more and more money, but it helps me so that I’m not angry as much in this process. Number seven is I focused my energy on passions, and my passions are things that I pour my joy and energy into, which is Ryan and Pete’s talk. Talk. Whenever I’m feeling sad or dejected, I remember how grateful I am for the things that have given me light and Ryan and are my babies.

 

00;27;11;02 – 00;27;38;09

Dr. Mona

Ryan is obviously my real baby, but Pete’s dog talk is my baby. The podcasting, the YouTube, the creation, being able to create something when my body cannot create something, it’s very powerful. And I know that sounds really weird and you may not understand that, but creating something externally helps me. When I can’t create myself. It helps me understand that I am bigger than my womb is, than my fertility is.

 

00;27;38;15 – 00;28;02;02

Dr. Mona

I am not defined by that. I am creating something I am raising a child. And if you’re having primary infertility, then pour your passions into something that is creative and gives you joy. That creation is part of you. Even though you’re waiting for a baby and you want that child, you can create in different ways. Number eight is I have hope and I talked about this already.

 

00;28;02;04 – 00;28;24;05

Dr. Mona

Hope to me is a very beautiful thing and some people don’t have it. Some people don’t believe in it. My husband is actually completely opposite. He does not believe in hope as much as I do. He doesn’t have that optimism gift and hope doesn’t mean that things will always work out how you envision. That’s not what hope can manifest, but it creates optimism through a difficult journey so that you can find moments of joy.

 

00;28;24;08 – 00;28;53;26

Dr. Mona

This is how I got out of that hospital bed when Ryan delivery happened, and when I was sick in the ICU. It wasn’t just about physical healing, it was about emotionally telling myself, I have to get out of here. I have to walk again. I have to get out of here and willing that into existence. This is how I found joy during Ryan’s stroke diagnosis, when there was so much uncertainty, I held onto hope and understood I can only do so much.

 

00;28;53;29 – 00;29;13;29

Dr. Mona

It does not mean that you’re going to get the outcome that you’re going to get, but you have two options here. You either navigate the difficult times without hope and just feel miserable the entire time, or you hold on to hope because at least through the process, you feel a little bit of joy. The outcome could be that we end up without a child.

 

00;29;13;29 – 00;29;35;02

Dr. Mona

The outcome could be that this doesn’t succeed. This outcome could be that we have to do multiple cycles or decide surrogacy, or adopt, or ending this and saying that we’re going to have one child and being okay with that decision. But what I’m holding onto right now is hope in the journey, because it does help in finding brighter skies and enjoying the moment as much as we can.

 

00;29;35;02 – 00;29;54;13

Dr. Mona

We’re going through something so traumatic. My son’s delivery was the most traumatic event of my life. Any time my husband or, you know, I do interviews or people ask me, you know, what has been that defining moment? It was Ryan’s delivery. I changed so much. And again, listen to episode 15 if you want to learn more about how it changed me.

 

00;29;54;15 – 00;30;22;15

Dr. Mona

It was a day of grief when so many women have joy, and that is actually very hard. And also in this IVF journey, you are doing something that so many other families, women are able to do without assistance, and that’s free, and that they don’t have to do the timed injections and mixing of meds and driving to pharmacies and doctor’s visits and waiting for the ultrasound.

 

00;30;22;17 – 00;30;42;26

Dr. Mona

And it can feel hard and it can feel unfair, but it’s a different journey. Life is not intending to be unfair to us, and I’m going to do the whole episode. Like I said, about fairness. Good things happen to good people. Good things happen to bad people. Bad things happen to good people. Bad things happen to bad people.

 

00;30;42;29 – 00;31;12;27

Dr. Mona

We are not in control over all of that. The only thing we can control is how we navigate the experiences and how I look at this whole experience. I almost died because of sepsis, because of the fact that I was not evaluated quickly enough. And I’m so grateful that I am here today to share my story. And it’s a passion project of mine now to advocate for maternal health, for postpartum care, because that is so important in so many ways.

 

00;31;12;29 – 00;31;32;20

Dr. Mona

And I know that I’m here, I’m alive, I’m facing the reality of a journey to conceiving another child in a in a way that’s not conventional, quote unquote, but it is my way. I don’t know what will happen. I don’t know how our story will proceed. So all I can do is hope that it will make sense, as it should.

 

00;31;32;22 – 00;31;56;15

Dr. Mona

Thank you so much for joining me on this episode. Please remember to leave a review or a rating and share this on social media. I love reading my reviews. It means so much to me when you all share this, and also it helps other people find the podcast as I share my story, share these messages of how we can reframe and find joy, even in moments where joy is not expected.

 

00;31;56;17 – 00;32;14;12

Dr. Mona

This is a moment where I do not expect to be happy all the time, but what I am doing is learning how to navigate this where I can find gratitude food, where I can find little moments of hope so that I can feel better through this process. Thanks again for tuning in and I will talk to you next week.