On today’s episode of Monday Mornings with Dr. Mona, I’m answering Hannah’s questions. She is the mom of two boys and her younger 1.5 year old son shows jealous and even aggressive behavior when she gives any attention to his older brother.

I will be covering:

• How to normalize temperament and foster change when a toddler shows aggression
• How to deal with and help a toddler with jealousy

00;00;00;00 – 00;00;21;06

Dr. Mona

Your older sibling by temperament, is not fazed by this. Your younger child may be a little more jealous in this situation. And that’s not bad. That’s not good. There’s no label to it. It’s just jealousy. It’s a human emotion that’s very healthy. Hey, everyone. Welcome back to the PedsDocTalk Podcast, a podcast that keeps growing because of you and your reviews.

 

00;00;21;12 – 00;00;42;21

Dr. Mona

So whether it’s your first episode here or your 20th episode here, or your 100th episode here, thank you for joining me today on this episode of Monday Mornings with Doctor Mona. I’m talking about sibling jealousy and in this situation, it’s the younger sibling who is the jealous one. A lot of families usually think it’s the older sibling. So let’s get to our callers.

 

00;00;42;21 – 00;00;43;22

Dr. Mona

Question.

 

00;00;43;25 – 00;01;09;00

Hannah

Hi, doctor. Mona. This is Hannah calling from Washington state. I am the mother of two boys, ages five and one and a half. And I’m calling with a question about toddler behavior. My one and a half year old gets incredibly jealous and almost violent when I show any kind of affection to my five year old, whether it be hugging to sick, cuddling or reading him a book.

 

00;01;09;06 – 00;01;35;16

Hannah

The one year old gets, pretty aggressive and sometimes hits. And this is a new behavior. We’ve noticed he’s always cried when I give attention to his older brother, but the violent outbursts have been new, and it’s honestly been getting harder and harder to deal with because it seems to be getting more and more aggressive. My five year old doesn’t lash out or hit back.

 

00;01;35;17 – 00;01;56;14

Hannah

He’s he’s very passive and sweet in that way. And I do my best to, you know, remind. No hitting. We don’t hit. But even if it doesn’t come to blows, he still cries and gets very, very jealous and will almost try to push his brother out of my arms or pull the book out that I’m trying to read to him.

 

00;01;56;16 – 00;02;08;03

Hannah

And it makes it hard to, give him my attention. So anyway, I was just wondering if you had any insight on this jealous behavior. Thank you. Bye bye.

 

00;02;08;05 – 00;02;28;17

Dr. Mona

Hannah, thank you so much for this question. I have a lot of tips about jealousy, depending on the situation. What’s happening? When is the jealousy showing itself? And also the age of the child? But I wanted to tackle this question in particular, because you are talking about a younger sibling who is about one and a half years old.

 

00;02;28;19 – 00;02;56;27

Dr. Mona

First, I want you to normalize the temperament and the situation. I love that you’re saying that you’re older, is sweet and caring, and I don’t want you to look at what your younger is doing as bad or not good, but something that we definitely want to get curious about and help foster change. I say this because it’s easier to label behaviors as bad and good, but I don’t want us to label the entire child as such because it can make it harder to make breakthroughs.

 

00;02;57;04 – 00;03;15;29

Dr. Mona

I know that’s not your intent, but I really want to make sure that we’re always clear and understanding that you know what, your older sibling, by temperament, is not fazed by this. Your younger child may be a little more jealous in this situation. And that’s not bad. That’s not good. There’s no label to it. It’s just jealousy. It’s a human emotion that’s very healthy.

 

00;03;16;01 – 00;03;38;09

Dr. Mona

So first you got to see if that moment that your child is jealous in does allow for both kids, or if it’s truly a one kid activity. As parents, I’m very big on deciding what needs to be a boundary before we create it, because you have to make sure that you’re committing to what you want to do before you actually can follow through with it.

 

00;03;38;12 – 00;03;55;17

Dr. Mona

So if there’s leeway for this to be a big group activity where you can have reading with both the children, then do it. If your child can be on the lap and then the older child is on the bed or wherever you’re reading, but you have to decide that before going in. What is the moment? That really is solo activity with my older child.

 

00;03;55;21 – 00;04;17;15

Dr. Mona

What can be the whole family? What is my decision making process here? And you have to make sure you’re committing to that before you decide what to do. The biggest parenting principle here, that is going to be very useful and I believe is useful. This young for a one and a half year old is validating the feeling and not dismissing saying things like, gosh, stop, or your body language matters as well.

 

00;04;17;19 – 00;04;38;11

Dr. Mona

They sense fear. They sense frustration. The other thing that’s going to be really important is verbalizing and validating what you are seeing happen. So let’s call your kids Ryan and Cody. Okay, so Ryan is older. So just say it is a moment that is personal for Ryan and Cody. Your younger child is getting upset. Cody, I can see you’re very upset because mommy is reading to Ryan.

 

00;04;38;14 – 00;04;56;15

Dr. Mona

It’s Ryan’s turn, and then it’s Cody’s turn. Do you want to sit on the bed or play with your toys? This is key here to be very matter of fact and follow through with the boundary. So you’re being very clear and saying, right now this is Ryan’s turn. After this, you can have Cody’s turn. So this could mean that they can get upset.

 

00;04;56;21 – 00;05;13;10

Dr. Mona

But we have to normalize and be okay with the emotions. Right. You have to be calm and follow through. So if your decision as a parent is that Ryan, the older sibling, is getting to have one on one time with mommy, you have to follow through with that and you have to be okay with the younger sibling being not okay with that boundary.

 

00;05;13;10 – 00;05;35;07

Dr. Mona

So this could mean that your younger child gets upset. And like I said, we have to be okay with that. You have to be calm. If your younger child starts hitting, kicking and throwing, then we have to discipline the unwanted behavior. Remember, the emotion of jealousy is a normal, healthy emotion, but we don’t channel it with anger. Frustration of hitting, kicking and throwing.

 

00;05;35;12 – 00;05;56;21

Dr. Mona

So remember the key here is how you express the words and boundary matters. So calm, very matter of fact. So trying not to raise your tone and saying, Cody, I see that you’re frustrated because you want time with mommy, but we do not hit if he hits again, you say, I see that you want mommy, but we do not hit.

 

00;05;56;23 – 00;06;12;29

Dr. Mona

If we hit, I have to move you away. This is made even easier if there’s a separate caregiver, right? So if you have your partner that they can take Cody away the younger child. But if you don’t, because you know, you’ll have moments where you’re with both the children and it needs to be, one on one with the older.

 

00;06;13;01 – 00;06;36;10

Dr. Mona

You have to be very consistent and follow through with the boundary with a matter of fact tone, understanding that the other child may be upset in that moment. Remember, the younger child being upset in that moment does not mean they don’t love you, does not mean that they’re not getting that one on one time with you. You are just saying that this is an event or a moment that I need to give Ryan, the older sibling, his attention, and I will give you my attention when I’m done.

 

00;06;36;18 – 00;06;52;13

Dr. Mona

It’s kind of how we, you know, train children on independent play, like giving them more time, right? You’re using them in. But it has to be very consistent and you have to follow through with the boundary you created. Which is why I said at the beginning that you have to be very clear on what is the boundary here.

 

00;06;52;15 – 00;07;09;27

Dr. Mona

If this is something that you don’t need to do this for, then you don’t do it. But if it is a one on one activity that truly has to happen, then you have to follow through with that matter of fact home. You want to avoid the rise that the younger child wants, or any child, right? So if they start getting frustrated, you start yelling like, come on, what are you doing?

 

00;07;09;27 – 00;07;27;02

Dr. Mona

Like, you want to really understand that them getting upset is okay. They can be upset. You can continue on with what you’re doing and verbalize and say, I see that you’re upset. Mommy’s going to finish this time with Ryan. Mommy’s going to finish this time with Ryan. So the verbalizing, validation and the very matter of fact tone can really help.

 

00;07;27;05 – 00;07;53;01

Dr. Mona

It’s also really important to then give Cody, aka the younger child, solo attention when you’re able to. So just say this was a situation where you’re helping the older with the homework, and Cody really wanted to be there the younger child. So then once that’s done, that moment is done, then you’re going to give that one on one attention scheduled one on one time can even be useful if the situation was reversed and the older child was being the more jealous one, and saying things like Ryan Reed’s with mommy right now.

 

00;07;53;07 – 00;08;17;15

Dr. Mona

And then Cody reads with mommy and allowing Cody to choose the book by pointing so your child is one and a half. Depending on the development of the child, they may be cognitively able to choose a book or, you know, you put two books out and they can decide it’s still a little bit young. So don’t be alarmed if they don’t understand what you’re saying, but the consistency of your tone and the verbalization does matter.

 

00;08;17;17 – 00;08;34;29

Dr. Mona

So I don’t want you to expect your younger one and a half year old to automatically be like, okay, let me go choose a book, and everything’s going to be great. But you have to be okay with the big feelings. That’s the big message here. So you can have them wait on the side, you know, the younger child and you’re verbalizing that this needs to happen with the older child.

 

00;08;35;05 – 00;08;52;18

Dr. Mona

And when it is time for one on one time or group time with the entire family, then that’s going to happen. I think it’s really wonderful that your older sibling doesn’t lash or hit back, but remember, if that were to happen, we would discuss it and figure it out. But I really want you to use positive reinforcement for your older child.

 

00;08;52;20 – 00;09;16;22

Dr. Mona

So sometimes, you know, the older child may start to feel, well, I just keep getting pushed over here. My younger sibling is always pushing me out of the way. And you know, I’m a nice kid by temperament, but I don’t like the way that feels. So when you are one on one with your older child who is showing no sign of hitting physical aggression, things like that, I want you to really use positive reinforcement and say, you know what, Ryan?

 

00;09;16;25 – 00;09;41;18

Dr. Mona

I think it’s really great that when Cody was pushing you that you stayed really calm. And I want you to do that again. Try to do that when the younger child is not there. Try to do that when it is truly one on one time, maybe on the way to school the next day, you know, bringing up a situation of positive reinforcement because I want that older child to understand that they did do something really great in that they were being attacked physically and they stayed really calm.

 

00;09;41;25 – 00;09;59;20

Dr. Mona

But I also want to normalize it, that it isn’t okay when they get hit. This is a big concept of, you know, holding your ground, right. I believe that we don’t teach our kids to hit back, but I also want children to know that hitting is not okay and that they did something really good by staying calm, even in the face of being hit, and that we do not hit right.

 

00;09;59;20 – 00;10;22;09

Dr. Mona

That’s how we make the world a better place, that we do not fight a physical aggression with physical aggression and recognize that this is really awesome. Ryan, I’m very, you know, very proud that you did that. And you should be proud of yourself praising the nonviolence. And then also remember to do it for your younger son when you notice it, when your younger son is giving you a moment with your older son or giving you a moment to yourself.

 

00;10;22;09 – 00;10;42;17

Dr. Mona

Positive reinforcement when he is doing a behavior that is something that you want him to do. So obviously when he is hitting, kicking all of that, we’re not going to say, great job hitting, kicking. No, that is when we set the boundary and saying, hey, look, if you hit or kick, I have to move away, right? But when they are doing and being that you want them to do, I want you to give that positive reinforcement.

 

00;10;42;17 – 00;11;02;03

Dr. Mona

And it may not happen in that moment. It may happen the next day at the dinner table where you’re talking to your older child, or you are doing something with your partner and talking to your partner, and your child is giving you a moment. Kids here? No, no, no, all the time, including in those early toddler years. But the positive reinforcement can really help wire the brain for.

 

00;11;02;03 – 00;11;18;14

Dr. Mona

Yeah, this is an activity that my caregiver really liked me doing, and I’m going to continue to do it. Remember, this is not an overnight thing. I think a lot of times with child behavior, parents feel like, okay, I’m going to do this and the next is going to go great. It really is about consistency. So to bring this all together.

 

00;11;18;14 – 00;11;35;02

Dr. Mona

So the number one thing is you have to understand what is the boundary you want to create here. Is it a boundary that’s important. Is this something that I can have everyone be a part of. Or is it truly something that is one on one? Because if it’s something that can allow the entire family, like all the children together, then you don’t need to create the boundary.

 

00;11;35;02 – 00;11;59;01

Dr. Mona

But if it is a true one on one activity, then you have to be very consistent. When you are very consistent, you also want to validate and verbalize the feelings of someone who’s emotional. Create a boundary of no hitting, no kicking, but verbalize and validate if they’re upset. If you are physically with one child and you don’t have another caregiver, you are going to verbalize and say, I see you there.

 

00;11;59;03 – 00;12;15;25

Dr. Mona

I see that you’re not upset right now, but mommy’s finishing this with an older sibling. You can insert the name there. And then the last thing is be very matter of fact with the boundary, a very matter of fact, delivery is so important. So rather than saying, okay, so you’re going to do this okay, okay. You hear me?

 

00;12;15;25 – 00;12;35;22

Dr. Mona

Okay. You’re going to just say it as a statement. Mommy’s reading with Ryan and then it’s your turn. You can go pick a book if you’d like to pick a book. Right. You’re not telling them, okay? You’re just giving a statement and a directive. I hope this was helpful. Thank you so much for tuning in today. I am so grateful for this community and this podcast.

 

00;12;35;22 – 00;12;58;28

Dr. Mona

So make sure you leave a review or a rating so more people can discover at this podcast. That is how this podcast grows and I will talk to you all next week. Thank you for tuning in for this week’s episode. As always, please leave a review. Share this episode with a friend. Share it on your social media. Make sure to follow me at PedsDocTalk on Instagram and subscribe to my YouTube channel, PedsDocTalk TV.

 

00;12;59;00 – 00;13;00;03

Dr. Mona

We’ll talk to you soon.