In this follow up episode, we revisit one of the most loved ideas on the show, because parents tell me again and again that it changed the way they show up for their kids. We’re talking about the Independence Before Intervention principle, a simple shift that helps kids build confidence, resilience, and trust in themselves while still knowing we’re right there when they need us.

Inspired by watching her own kids obsess over the transformation of caterpillars, Dr. Mona explores how struggle is a natural and necessary part of growth. Babies, toddlers, big kids, even adults, all move through moments that feel tough. The goal isn’t to remove every frustration. It’s to help kids see that effort isn’t failure and that they’re safe trying, adjusting, and trying again.

Inside this episode, Dr. Mona breaks down how this principle looks across different ages and real life moments, including:

✔️ Newborns learning to pass gas and poop
✔️ Babies connecting sleep cycles without immediate intervention
✔️ Infants and toddlers brushing teeth with growing independence
✔️ Problem solving during play, frustration, and puzzles
✔️ How verbal coaching builds emotional skills and persistence

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00;00;00;02 – 00;00;22;04

Dr. Mona

Welcome to the follow up. Our Monday series on the PedsDocTalk podcast. I’m Doctor Mona, and today we’re revisiting a favorite episode in less time than it takes you to pretend you’re giving your child space while silently fighting the urge to swoop in and fix everything. My kids are really into butterflies right now, so we’ve been watching the whole process up close.

 

00;00;22;10 – 00;00;50;26

Dr. Mona

Pulling up videos on social media and YouTube, and it surprised me how raw it is. A caterpillar doesn’t slide into a chrysalis and float out as a butterfly. It has to work. It pushes. It pulls, it twists. You can almost see the effort in every tiny movement. And the wild part is that the struggle is the point. That slow, steady fight is what builds the strength, the resiliency they need to open their wings and actually fly.

 

00;00;50;29 – 00;01;10;16

Dr. Mona

I think about that every time I watch a child try something hard, or even ourselves, whether they’re an infant figuring out how to pass gas, a toddler wrestling with a puzzle piece, or school age kids staring down homework. There will be moments in their life where the struggle has to be theirs, not ours. And this is where so many of us get stuck.

 

00;01;10;19 – 00;01;29;08

Dr. Mona

We want to protect them from discomfort, from frustration, from that feeling of I can’t do this. But if we take every hard moment away, they never get to find out what they’re actually capable of. They never learn that struggle isn’t danger. It’s growth. It’s practice. It’s the warm up for all the bigger things life will have on them.

 

00;01;29;10 – 00;01;50;21

Dr. Mona

Our job isn’t to make their life free of struggles. Our job is to help them see struggle differently, to teach them that their effort isn’t failure. That frustration isn’t assigned to stop and that they can try, adjust and try again. And that no matter how hard it feels, they aren’t alone. We’re right there, steady and close until one day we may not be.

 

00;01;50;24 – 00;02;12;21

Dr. Mona

That’s exactly where the Independence before intervention principle fits in. It gives us a way to support them without stealing the challenge they need. It’s the quiet pause before we jump in. It’s the space we give them to show us what they can do. And it’s the safety they feel knowing will step in if they truly need us. This follow up pulls a moment from the full episode that shows how this balance plays out.

 

00;02;12;24 – 00;02;31;26

Dr. Mona

The goal isn’t to leave them to figure out life on their own. It’s to help them build confidence, resilience, and trust in themselves. One tiny struggle at a time. So if they find themselves in a moment of struggle, just like the caterpillar becoming a butterfly, they have the resilience to know that they can get through it and create something beautiful.

 

00;02;31;28 – 00;02;43;05

Dr. Mona

Remember, if you enjoy this episode or any episodes on the show, make sure to subscribe to the channel. Download the full episode and tag at the Stock Talk podcast. When you share what stood out on social media.

 

00;02;43;07 – 00;02;49;26

Dr. Mona

Let’s dive in.

 

00;02;49;29 – 00;03;09;23

Dr. Mona

Here are five examples of how to apply the independence and intervention principle from birth years, from birth and beyond. So how does this work from birth? So in the newborn stage, passing gas and pooping. So yes, independence intervention at this stage is actually very vital. Many times babies are born with the discomfort when they pass gas or poop.

 

00;03;09;25 – 00;03;30;17

Dr. Mona

Why does this happen? I want to remind you that if it’s a new sensation for a child and this can be new for a few months, they are going to make grimaces are going to turn red in the face because this is new to them. In utero. They never had to practice doing this, and now they are outside drinking breastmilk or formula and having to figure out, well, how the heck do I get this gas or poop out of my body?

 

00;03;30;20 – 00;03;56;19

Dr. Mona

So it may not feel great. The baby is learning what this all means and tolerating a new sensation. But the sensation isn’t bad. It’s physiologic. Now of course, if baby has blood in the stool spitting up or losing weight. This is medical and not simply physiological, but in the independence intervention principle, you are allowing your child to have and feel that sensation of passing gas or stool before you intervene.

 

00;03;56;21 – 00;04;15;29

Dr. Mona

And what do I mean by intervene? Many times I see a baby start to make that face in my office, right? Like they’ll start to grimace and move their body around, and the parent immediately picks them up and starts to try to help them out. We’re quick to jump up and bicycle their legs, or move them around, or flip them around, or give them something like a supplement for the gas.

 

00;04;16;01 – 00;04;35;15

Dr. Mona

I want you to try pausing. Allow them a moment to work it out. Give them 1 to 5 minutes or whatever you feel comfortable with with the time, and this number or time frame will increase as you learn more about your baby. Maybe initial you’ll start 32nd moments of letting you know, seeing what they can do, and then they’ll build up to five minutes.

 

00;04;35;15 – 00;05;02;01

Dr. Mona

You’re going to know that as you learn about your child, and you’re going to let them wiggle and work it out. If they are still struggling after that time frame that you’ve selected, then of course you’re going to help them. But remember, why is this important? Pooping, passing gas all of that is a normal physiological sensation. If we immediately go and do it for them, we are not allowing them to do it for themselves and they need to learn how to do it for themselves.

 

00;05;02;01 – 00;05;24;04

Dr. Mona

This is a normal physiological process, something all human beings do. If it gets uncomfortable, truly uncomfortable, and you’ve waited a few moments to see what they can work out, the new are there. That is how this independence intervention model works. But you have to give them the chance. Give them the opportunity to work it out before you intervene.

 

00;05;24;06 – 00;05;41;12

Dr. Mona

And I know what you’re thinking. Well, what about their newborns? Like they need me? Remember, with this model, you are not going anywhere. You are just giving them an age appropriate amount of time to say, okay, I’m going to see if you can work it out. I’m not going to immediately just jump up. The moment you start wiggling, I’m going to pause and take a moment and see what you can do.

 

00;05;41;14 – 00;06;07;24

Dr. Mona

And if you need my help, I will be there. The next thing is in the infancy stage. And you can also kind of see in the newborn phase where again, this is not sleep training, right? This is the concept of independence and intervention with sleep without sleep training. So we often interrupt a baby’s normal sleep cycle by intervening too soon when the baby makes a sound, a cry, etc. they’re moving in between sleep cycles and they make a mom groan.

 

00;06;07;24 – 00;06;24;06

Dr. Mona

Or they make a shriek and you think, oh, they’re up, let me go get them. I want you to practice independence with seeing 1 to 5 minutes if they’re going to settle back down on their own. Remember, for a newborn, you’re not going to maybe do this as long because they’re newborns. But as they get older, you’re going to learn that.

 

00;06;24;06 – 00;06;41;24

Dr. Mona

I’m going to take a little bit more of a moment. Allow them the independence before I intervene. You can use this principle, like I said, in the newborn stages too. And you’re going to learn as they get older how much time you feel comfortable with doing the independence phase, which is allowing them to do it on their own.

 

00;06;42;01 – 00;07;00;05

Dr. Mona

And when you’re going to step in and intervene, I think there’s a misconception that if you allow any first time for your child, you’re not assessing their needs and that they’re not going to love you or that you’re they’re going to feel abandoned. On the contrary, this principle, you are allowing them the space and independence to accomplish something.

 

00;07;00;12 – 00;07;26;28

Dr. Mona

Sleep as an example and a skill. Falling asleep on their own. It gives them the independence to do so if they aren’t able to. Because they’re babies, you are there for them. You’re not leaving them alone to figure it out forever. But you have to give them the opportunity. I often find that kids will surprise you. The next one is in the infant and toddler years, which is brushing like brushing of teeth.

 

00;07;27;00 – 00;07;53;27

Dr. Mona

I put this in infancy because I do believe this principle applies this early for brushing autonomy. From the moment that first tooth comes in, allow your child to brush first. This will mean an issue. They’re going to chew on the tooth brush. They’re not going to really know what to do. You can show them with, you know, your own fake tooth brush that you have in your mouth, like you’re not really brushing, but you’re showing the motions, but you’re allowing them the autonomy independence of showing you what they can do first before you intervene.

 

00;07;53;29 – 00;08;12;21

Dr. Mona

But remember, as parents with brushing, we have to follow through with the intervention part. They don’t have the dexterity and ability to brush on their own until early school age. Even some dentists will say eight years old. So following up is vital. But rather than immediately going in first, allow them the opportunity and space to show you what they can do.

 

00;08;12;23 – 00;08;34;19

Dr. Mona

Applaud their efforts. Verbally encourage them. Celebrate them doing it and not essentially celebrate them. Accomplish the finish task saying, hey, great job brushing your teeth even though yes, in your head it’s not a full brushing job, right? Like they didn’t get all the nooks and crannies. You are applauding their effort in doing something on their own. The independence that I’m mentioning.

 

00;08;34;21 – 00;08;57;02

Dr. Mona

And then you’re finishing up by then seeing you recognize their independence and autonomy, even from a young age, they will be more willing to do it again. This is positive reinforcement, but when they are doing something on their own, for example, if they are brushing their teeth, quote unquote brushing like, you know, putting their the brush in their mouth and moving it around, great job.

 

00;08;57;02 – 00;09;18;09

Dr. Mona

You’re doing so great than last time. You’re working really hard. Same thing with mealtimes. You know, if it’s a child who’s learning how to selfie and is more hesitant. You’re doing a great job than last time. I am noticing that you were able to bring the food to your mouth. You should be very proud of yourself again, not applauding them, finishing all their food, not applauding them for brushing their entire, you know, all their teeth.

 

00;09;18;14 – 00;09;37;08

Dr. Mona

It’s applauding the effort. And that is what builds confidence, right? That is what builds that understanding that wow, my caretaker understands that I’m capable and doing this. But of course they need to finish up. So allow them to do it on their own. But remember that you are going to have to follow up with teeth brushing because they don’t have the dexterity to do so.

 

00;09;37;11 – 00;09;59;22

Dr. Mona

The next example has to do with late infancy in the toddler years, which is frustration and play. You know your child is upset because they can’t figure out how to get puzzle pieces together. Let’s use that example. We often feel like we want to do things for our kids, but you’re going to practice the independence and intervention principle and give them the space to do it on their own and intervene and show them if they can’t figure it out.

 

00;09;59;24 – 00;10;20;12

Dr. Mona

So as an infant, you may find less time in that independence phase. And that’s okay. Right? Because they’re younger, they’re not going to have the cognitive ability to be able to do something that a 4 or 5 year old can do in that same task, but you are allowing them that moment before you intervene and don’t feel bad if you intervene quicker, because like I said, that’s very natural in this infant year.

 

00;10;20;15 – 00;10;44;11

Dr. Mona

But as they get older, you’re going to notice that they’re going to have more ability in that independence phase. Remember, this principle is a parenting principle to allow that sort of balance of doing things on their own and you intervening when they need you, but allow them to get frustrated if they’re frustrated. The first step, and this is in infancy as well, is I want you to verbalize what you want them to do.

 

00;10;44;18 – 00;11;06;16

Dr. Mona

So rather than taking the puzzle away from them or taking the toy away for them, I want you to verbalize what you are seeing and what you can do and walk them through that situation. So I see you are frustrated because you can’t figure this out. Try putting the piece another way. So you see that right now I’m verbalizing that.

 

00;11;06;16 – 00;11;31;01

Dr. Mona

I see that they’re frustrated and then I’m verbalizing what they can do to troubleshoot versus yanking the toy away from them and showing them yourself. I want you to start with that says first, as the independence balance with the intervention, you’re only intervening with talking. Let them troubleshoot with your verbalization if they continue to be frustrated because again, this can happen in the infancy years and even toddler years.

 

00;11;31;04 – 00;11;56;07

Dr. Mona

And they continue and you are verbalizing and they’re still not figuring it out. You’re going to sit with them and show them how to do it. You’re going to say, mommy’s going to show you, and you’re going to show them how to put the puzzle pieces together, and you’re going to narrate and verbalize while you are doing so, in times of frustration and in times of understanding that we are not afraid or upset with their frustration, is when they can learn the biggest breakthroughs in what they’re trying to figure out.

 

00;11;56;09 – 00;12;17;16

Dr. Mona

They can pivot and learn that maybe I’ll do something different. So I believe that the independence and intervention model is so important in school age children because by verbalizing, using positive reinforcement and highlighting the right, they are going to learn that, okay, I can do this. I see this is difficult for you and it’s new. Can you try it again another way?

 

00;12;17;19 – 00;12;38;17

Dr. Mona

Try it again. And if you’re still having difficulty, come to me and we can see how we can make it work together. Meaning you are not going to do it for them. You’re going to work with them. Remember, this is all about a team effort, and the independence and intervention principal allows that team effort. Where you are allowing a child to show you what they can do on their own, and if they can’t, you’re going to figure it out together.

 

00;12;38;17 – 00;12;59;10

Dr. Mona

You’re not going to do everything for them. You are going to do it with them. That concept is so important from a young age because I get it in infancy. We are the ones who do things for our children. But if you have the mentality that we’re doing things together versus me doing things for you, you’re going to create that teamwork that I think is so important in parenting.

 

00;12;59;12 – 00;13;20;22

Dr. Mona

Allow them the chance to feel the frustration. Work through that frustration and you’re okay seeing the frustration and not dismissing them through the frustration. They can actually learn how to pivot and do something else. So if in the moment they’re frustrated and you immediately fix it for them, they’ll never learn to pivot to fix it themselves. Every child will experience struggle and failure.

 

00;13;20;27 – 00;13;37;19

Dr. Mona

I mean, we have to be accepting of this. The more we try to resist them and, you know, avoid failure and struggle, they’re going to be disappointed in their lives because it’s going to happen. So when we are with them being able to teach them healthy coping skills, that is when they’re going to lead to the biggest breakthroughs.

 

00;13;37;21 – 00;13;58;29

Dr. Mona

But this is something that’s so useful in every age that your child may be and in many situations. So from infancy, by doing this, independence and intervention principle, you are setting up a standard to your child that I see you as capable. I will give you some space to show me what you can do, but I will be there for you if you can’t figure it out.

 

00;13;59;01 – 00;14;07;15

Dr. Mona

And I am okay with all of the emotions that this learning process can bring.

 

00;14;07;18 – 00;14;28;26

Dr. Mona

And that’s your follow up. Just a small dose of the real, relatable and eye opening conversations we love to have here. If you smiled, nodded, or had an moment, go ahead and download, follow and share this episode with a friend. Let’s grow this village together for more everyday parenting wins and real talk. Hang out with us on Instagram at the PedsDocTalk podcast.

 

00;14;29;03 – 00;14;44;15

Dr. Mona

Want more? Dive into the full episode and more at PedsDocTalk.com. Because parenting is better with support. And remember, consistency is key. Humor is medicine and follow ups are everything. I’m Doctor Mona. See you next time for your next dose.