Tantrums are a universal parenting challenge—they can feel overwhelming, embarrassing, or downright exhausting. But what if you had a simple, practical way to respond that actually helps your child learn to calm down?

In this follow-up episode, I’m joined by Chris Lake, educator, child development expert, and founder of Behavior Booster. Chris breaks down his “Lake Method” of de-escalating tantrums in a way that makes sense for both kids and parents.

We cover:

• What to do first when a tantrum starts (hint: safety comes before soothing)
• Why letting your child move through the crying cycle matters
• How to avoid common pitfalls that accidentally reinforce tantrums
• The power of validating emotions without caving to demands
• What an “extinction burst” looks like and why it’s actually a sign of progress

Get trusted pediatric advice, relatable parenting insights, and evidence-based tips delivered straight to your inbox—join thousands of parents who rely on the PDT newsletter to stay informed, supported, and confident.⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠Join the newsletter⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠!

And don’t forget to follow⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠@pedsdoctalkpodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ on Instagram—our new space just for parents looking for real talk and real support.

We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on the⁠ ⁠PedsDocTalk Podcast Sponsorships⁠⁠ page of the website.

00;00;00;02 – 00;00;22;06

Dr. Mona

Welcome back to the follow up. Where we revisit favorite episodes in less time than it takes your toddler to hit the floor in protest. If you followed me for a while, you know that I love talking about child development and behavior. It’s one of those topics where I never get bored because every child is different, and every parent is coming at these moments with their own challenges.

 

00;00;22;08 – 00;00;43;22

Dr. Mona

And let’s be honest, tantrums are one of those challenges we all face. They can feel overwhelming, embarrassing, or even exhausting. What I found, both as a pediatrician and as a mom, is that sometimes hearing different tips and strategies, or even just hearing the same advice explained in a new way, can be the thing that finally clicks. That’s why I love this conversation with Chris Lake.

 

00;00;43;23 – 00;01;05;21

Dr. Mona

Chris is an educator child development expert, and the founder of Behavior Booster, and he has such a clear, practical way of breaking down what to actually do in the middle of a tantrum. In this follow up episode, you’re going to hear the lake method of de-escalating tantrums. Why? The way we respond plays the biggest role in behavior modification and the common missteps that can accidentally make things worse.

 

00;01;05;23 – 00;01;25;09

Dr. Mona

This episode is a reminder that tantrums aren’t about being a bad kid or a bad parent. They’re about developing brains, learning how to handle big feelings. And the more tools and perspectives we have, the easier it gets to show up calmly and confidently for our kids. So don’t just listen. Download this episode because that’s what helps the show the most, so you can come back to it when you need it.

 

00;01;25;16 – 00;01;42;16

Dr. Mona

And if something Chris shares really resonates. Tag us at the Pete’s Doc Talk podcast and app Behavior booster on Instagram. We’d love to hear how you’re putting these tips into practice. Let’s get into it.

 

00;01;42;18 – 00;01;55;27

Dr. Mona

I know some parents deal with it more than others in terms of maybe more physical or maybe more prolonged tantrums, but does tell us what should we do during a tantrum to de-escalate it? And then we will talk about what not to do. But let’s talk about what to do first.

 

00;01;55;27 – 00;02;15;02

Chris Lake

All right. What to do. First and foremost is make sure your child is safe. So look look around the area. The child is having a tantrum. Depending on how big their tantrum is, some kids will throw themselves on the floor. They’ll kick. They’ll flail the arms. If that’s the case, make sure they can’t kick in anything that will in turn lead to something falling on them or knocking things over that will in turn hurt them.

 

00;02;15;08 – 00;02;30;17

Chris Lake

And also make sure that they’re not going to hurt anyone else, including you. Sometimes parents are okay with taking it. Ill try to avoid just being okay with your child hurting you. It’s not healthy for you, what’s not healthy child, etc. so first look risk assess. Is there anything dangerous in this environment that I need to be immediately aware of?

 

00;02;30;24 – 00;02;51;22

Chris Lake

Because if that’s the case, then you will need to physically move your child and we’ll get to that later. Second thing you need to do, and this is the hardest part, parents, I’m with you on this. I understand how difficult this is, but there are disclaimers. It will get easier if you do the work and you need to do this work, and that is simply allow, okay, allow your child to complete a cycle of crying.

 

00;02;51;24 – 00;03;12;24

Chris Lake

And this might sound like madness to someone who hasn’t tried it, but all kids have an expiration time to their tantrum. If you are willing to wait, and doing so does a number of things for the child. One, it allows them to actually emotionally process their feelings as opposed to having that step process that internal process of processing being cut short by getting some sort of treat right.

 

00;03;12;24 – 00;03;31;21

Chris Lake

Sometimes we’re drawn to, oh, you know what? He’s crying. Just give him a cookie to skim Cocomelon distributor Fox. And that feels easier. It feels easier. However, what happens in this is that you’re training your child to understand a certain behavior. If I tantrum, I’m going to get something I like. That’s their takeaway. Kids learn best from what happens next.

 

00;03;31;23 – 00;03;45;07

Chris Lake

The context isn’t always important, especially if it serves them well. If I go to grandma’s house and every time I go grandma’s house before I leave, I say, I want cookies and you say no, no, no. When I do that, I throw a fit and grandma’s like, here’s some cookies, here’s a bunch of cookies. That child remembers that.

 

00;03;45;08 – 00;04;00;26

Chris Lake

They know that. But if you sit and wait and allow them to complete the crying cycle, you have opened the door of their understanding that this isn’t effective. And the biggest takeaway that I want all parents to know when it comes to behavior, start to ask yourself like how does behavior work? Just asking yourself that question will start.

 

00;04;00;26 – 00;04;20;13

Chris Lake

Open parts of your brain to analyze things here and there. All behavior continues as long as it is useful. All behavior continues as long as it is effective, either one. So if a child wants cocomelon and you say no cocomelon, but instead you give them a Snickers bar that might not have been effective towards their initial aim, but it was useful.

 

00;04;20;15 – 00;04;49;24

Chris Lake

All right, but if a child tantrums and you wait out, you know a minute and a half for them to finish and calm themselves down, they have learned this is not an effective or useful behavior. I’m just tired and I need a I need a wipe. And after this happens, you’re actually able to engage them. It’s very difficult to engage a child when they’re in the tantrum, because at that moment, a couple parts of the brain are really firing very fast, and it’s going to be your amygdala, it’s going to be the insula, and it’s going to be the prefrontal cortex.

 

00;04;49;24 – 00;05;11;04

Chris Lake

And each of these are playing different parts. The amygdala is basically a threat detection system. Your kids brain processes threats in a way that is going to raise temperature, is going to release stress hormones, and they’re going to not be in control. It’s going to affect the prefrontal cortex, which is decision making. And their insula, which is also the self-awareness and emotion processing, is going to be thrown off by all of this.

 

00;05;11;09 – 00;05;30;01

Chris Lake

So while saying calm down or trying to explain yourself while they’re in the throes of it feels like a good strategy, they’re not receiving you. Their brain is literally out of control. That’s why I say allow them to finish. Now. Once they do finish, you want to praise them for calming themselves down. When you give a kid this information, they now have a new understanding.

 

00;05;30;01 – 00;05;54;22

Chris Lake

Wait a second. I can calm myself down. Yes, you have the power to calm you down. You don’t need anyone outside of you to feed your emotions. You’ve come to yourself down and after you allow this crying cycle, the next step is to give them an expression of kindness. And this is very important. It can’t be understated. You want to validate their feelings, even though parents you might be annoyed to high heaven because it’s time to leave the grocery store.

 

00;05;54;22 – 00;06;11;14

Chris Lake

Or yes, it’s time to leave for fill in the blank. Well, whatever time delay your child is providing through this tantrum, they are having a feeling that is very uncomfortable for them, and they are feeling a frustration that’s very unsettling for them. And while we’re annoyed if you simply say, like, time to go, I don’t care, let’s get in the car.

 

00;06;11;17 – 00;06;31;21

Chris Lake

They are learning from their parents that my emotions don’t matter, that my feelings don’t matter, my bad feelings don’t matter. My bad feelings I should be ashamed of, if anything. So when you give an expression of kindness, you are center stage that a their feelings are validated and be that if they have big feelings that are bad or uncomfortable, they can come to mom and still find comfort.

 

00;06;31;21 – 00;06;49;27

Chris Lake

They can come to dad. Find comfort. An example of giving a kind expression is simply something as simple as you’re very frustrated. I see that you’re really sad that you couldn’t have it. I understand I get sad sometimes too. Oh, you’re really mad because the cell battery died. I get really mad when I want to watch a video too, and I can’t see it.

 

00;06;49;27 – 00;07;07;15

Chris Lake

I understand I have that feeling too. It’s okay to have that feeling following that validation, which is going to build sympathy and empathy for your child. You are now going to explain what the expectations are for this scenario. So you’re not going to cry and say, okay, now you calm yourself down his cocomelon you’re going to say, right?

 

00;07;07;17 – 00;07;24;26

Chris Lake

Even though you feel mad, it’s still time to go, sweetheart. And when we get home, we could talk about what treats we have at home. Even though you want this cookie, we’re not buying that today. And when we get home, you can earn something in our cupboard or what have you. You can redirect them to. Something’s going to happen later.

 

00;07;24;28 – 00;07;44;01

Chris Lake

And this again establishes that you are the rule setter. This establishes the behavior is not effective or useful, and it still allows that room for the child to feel okay for having that feeling and not be embarrassed, but also understand that there’s still things available. It’s not that like no one on my universe ends and I can never have anything good, something good that you can get a little later, just not right now.

 

00;07;44;02 – 00;08;00;17

Dr. Mona

Thank you so much for sharing that. And I agree with you completely. I mean, so you said it perfectly that a lot of the times we just do not want to wait it out and it’s easier to use the word cave or use the word give them what they cry for. When that again, pattern recognition is going to teach them.

 

00;08;00;24 – 00;08;21;21

Dr. Mona

Oh, this is pretty easy. I just cried and and it happens with in-laws. Some like my in-laws came recently and oh my like this and literally were in that room and my mother in law was like watching my son cry. And she turns to me in front of him and says, just give it to him. And I’m like, oh, oh, I’m texting my my own mother lost testing my boundaries in front of my child.

 

00;08;21;24 – 00;08;38;06

Dr. Mona

And I say, mom, we’re not going to give that to him right now. He can have his feelings. Let him sit there. I’m here for him. But it’s so important because like you said, they will move through it and they have to have that safety and saying, okay, I’m going to be upset. But yeah, there are boundaries here that I’m not going to cry to get what I want.

 

00;08;38;06 – 00;08;52;24

Dr. Mona

And you already mentioned, I think by talking about what to do, I think all the stuff about what you shouldn’t do will make a lot of sense. But is there anything that you want to drive home on what we really shouldn’t do in those moments when our child is having a tantrum, which can, in a way escalate them even more?

 

00;08;52;26 – 00;09;06;24

Chris Lake

Absolutely. So the key is kindness is one of my other big models. So you want to keep kind. I know at step three, but just generally have a kind energy. So you don’t want to be aggressive. You don’t want to show the kid to calm down, to relax. That hasn’t, in the history of anyone ever actually helped out.

 

00;09;07;01 – 00;09;21;24

Dr. Mona

I’m asking us, right. Like, it’s funny to me because we talk about children and like, if and you are having an argument or a conversation and you just say, gosh, Mona, you just need to relax right now. Oh, okay, Chris, that sounds like a good plan. Let me just go ahead and just sit here like it’s so funny.

 

00;09;21;24 – 00;09;23;09

Chris Lake

This text.

 

00;09;23;12 – 00;09;28;12

Dr. Mona

Right. And why didn’t I think about you? A doll don’t want to hear that because it’s not helpful. It’s not helpful.

 

00;09;28;12 – 00;09;45;05

Chris Lake

Yes, absolutely. It’s true. Confidence is trigger for kids. So just, you know, obviously don’t be cruel. You know, don’t mock. I always get annoyed when I see adults, even young adults, you know, imitating kids crying like, need like, what do you get to be so sad about their kids now they’re processing the learning the world and it’s not easy.

 

00;09;45;05 – 00;10;03;05

Chris Lake

And you know what people can feel even if you’re not appreciating how they feel in the moment they’re allowed to feel. Don’t make them feel dumb or unintelligent for having an emotion, even if it is out of place. Because they’re still in the place of learning how to have emotions. What emotions are. You know, we don’t give the word anxiety to young children as something they know they even have.

 

00;10;03;05 – 00;10;20;28

Chris Lake

A lot of people think people only have anxiety starting puberty from day one, and we don’t teach little kids how to either identify that or process that properly. So they have things to be concerned about. They have fears, they have phobias. So aside from not being kind, the other thing that you don’t want to do is, you don’t want to overly coddle the kid.

 

00;10;20;28 – 00;10;27;27

Chris Lake

You know, like you said, you don’t want to say, okay, you don’t want to endlessly ingratiating endlessly just, feed into what it is that they want.

 

00;10;27;29 – 00;10;28;17

Dr. Mona

Absolutely.

 

00;10;28;18 – 00;10;51;29

Chris Lake

Even if you feel like, quote unquote heart is breaking. And that’s something that’s very difficult for some people to overcome. Your heart won’t break. It won’t. Your kid will be fine. They’ve done research shows no amount of crying that a toddler is going to do that’s going to cause any trauma or permanent brain damage. In fact, truth is, most infants, including you and I, cry for on average 2.5 hours every single day in our infancy.

 

00;10;52;01 – 00;11;06;06

Chris Lake

And it doesn’t cause any issues. So if a kid’s crying really, really hard, they’re okay. They just learned that if I turn up, I’m going to get what I want. And the final thing and this is going to be very challenging as well. But again, I promise you, if you stick with it, you will be on the other side of a breakthrough.

 

00;11;06;08 – 00;11;22;27

Chris Lake

Okay? I’m my mom on a mission to turn terrible tools into transformational tools. Yeah. When a kid realizes some kids are really sharp and they say, hey, this isn’t quite working. Okay, you know what I need to do? I need to turn up. And the tantrum will go from like a level five to a level 7 or 8.

 

00;11;22;29 – 00;11;35;01

Chris Lake

And at that point, people’s internal, I guess the adults who make the laws that are detecting a threat and say this isn’t right, something’s wrong. My child’s happy. I have to give it to them. This is too much. It’s not too much. They won’t break. They’re not going to have any sort of trauma. They won’t need therapy.

 

00;11;35;01 – 00;11;54;11

Chris Lake

They only remember to be honest with you. But what will happen is this moment is called an extinction burst. Basically, it signals when the behavior is almost ready to be extinct. They are trying the last. It’s like the swan song of that behavior. Unless you feed that swan, if you feed that swan, then the song gets louder next time.

 

00;11;54;11 – 00;12;14;11

Chris Lake

So instead of starting at the five and popping up to an eight, next time, it’s going to start a six and pop up to a ten and then across time, the behavior gets even more and more extreme because it kept learning, turning ups the way that behavior is useful. First tantrum, then turn up. And that can go from simply crying and flailing to aggressive and even self-injurious behavior at times.

 

00;12;14;13 – 00;12;27;16

Chris Lake

Not always. But again, you want to just wait it out. They’ll be okay, keep them safe and wait it out, and then keep going and then explain.

 

00;12;27;19 – 00;12;48;27

Dr. Mona

And that’s your follow up. Just a small dose of the real, relatable and eye opening conversations we love to have here. If you smiled, nodded, or had an moment, go ahead and download, follow and share this episode with a friend. Let’s grow this village together for more everyday parenting wins and real talk. Hang out with us on Instagram at the PedsDocTalk podcast.

 

00;12;49;04 – 00;13;04;19

Dr. Mona

Want more? Dive into the full episode and more at PedsDocTalk.com. Because parenting is better with support and remember, consistency is key. Humor is medicine and follow ups are everything. I’m Doctor Mona. See you next time for your next dose.