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You don’t need 11 children to learn a valuable lesson or two from a parent who does! In this Follow-Up, Dr. Mona sits down with Moshe Popack to discuss what raising a large family has taught him about parenting and managing relationships. They discuss letting go of perfectionism, adapting to the child that is in front of you and maintaining a balance as both a parent and partner.

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00;00;00;02 – 00;00;27;22

Dr. Mona

Welcome back to the follow up. It’s Doctor Mona, and this is a series on the PedsDocTalk podcast, where we revisit a past episode in less time than it probably takes you to get 11 kids out the door. And yes, I did say 11 kids. I know you’re surprised. I wanted to bring this episode back because one of the reasons I created this podcast was because I believe we can learn so much through community and hearing other people’s stories, whether our lives look exactly like theirs or not.

00;00;27;25 – 00;00;49;15

Dr. Mona

And I think that’s especially true in parenting. You don’t need to have 11 kids to learn something from a parent who does. In fact, I was really curious about what parenting that many children had taught my guest about what actually matters, what he’s had to let go of, and what he’s learned about himself along the way. Because I think we can spend a lot of time trying to figure out the right way to parent.

00;00;49;19 – 00;01;10;23

Dr. Mona

When so much of parenting is learning how to adapt to the child in front of you. And the season your family is in. My guest is Moshi Popovic, a real estate entrepreneur, co-founder of Neighborhood Farms USA, a national community gardens nonprofit host of the Common Denominator podcast, which I was a guest on. And father of. Yes, 11 children.

00;01;10;25 – 00;01;30;25

Dr. Mona

We talk about what he calls being the chief of adaptability in your family, why he prioritizes one on one time with his kids, even with 11 of them. The importance of being on the same page with your partner, which I know we can all agree is difficult, tough love and personal responsibility. And why taking care of yourself isn’t something parents should feel guilty about.

00;01;30;28 – 00;01;57;19

Dr. Mona

And I also ask him what? After raising 11 children he wishes more parents would let go of. Go download the full episode wherever you get your podcasts. Link is in the caption and make sure to share this on social Tag, PedsDocTalk tag, the PedsDocTalk Podcast and Ample Pack pop back when you do. Let’s get into today’s follow up.

00;01;57;21 – 00;02;02;19

Dr. Mona

What would be that first lesson that you would want to impart on everyone listening today?

00;02;02;22 – 00;02;27;01

Moshe Popack

Each child is very unique and they each have their own journey and their journey. Actually, a lot of parents are trying to bend and shape the kids and they’re frustrated. Yeah, because they want them. The things that they missed as a parent, the things that they want the child to be. And we had this false expectation. But the child is really an individual.

00;02;27;03 – 00;03;00;03

Moshe Popack

You know, some have need some, occupational therapy, some have some learning disabilities. So whatever you have to really, really tune in and deliver consistently. That’s the number one thing. You have to feel safe and you have to be consistent with how you’re dealing with that child. And it’s different from 18 again, different ages. And what’s actually happening is that even though they’re each different, all 11 of them, but they also tend to change every six months.

00;03;00;06 – 00;03;19;05

Moshe Popack

So yeah. Right. So that’s actually so it’s constantly I think of like chief adaptability. You got to be like super adaptable and very low expectations. From within yourself. You know it’s 11 kids. Be realistic. It’s an organization. Right?

00;03;19;08 – 00;03;40;11

Dr. Mona

Right. And would you find that all of this that you’re about to share and not only this, lesson already, when in your parenting journey did you start to finally have it clicked with this? Was this like child number one, child number two, like, when did you start to kind of encompass all of these things that you’re like, wow, I myself need to be more adaptable or were you already adaptable from the get go?

00;03;40;14 – 00;04;02;12

Moshe Popack

No. So I, it’s funny, my wife was in is an only child and so she didn’t like that’s the story, right? So she didn’t like having to play board games with herself growing up and all that. And she’s like, I want my kids to have their siblings friends. Yeah. And I just I’m a kid at heart and I love kids.

00;04;02;12 – 00;04;20;07

Moshe Popack

So it ended up being that we were having all these, we’re having all these kids. But what was happening the first bunch of years? It took a long time for my wife and I to be on the same page. So me, I’m more like, laissez faire, like, just allow, like, the kids to do whatever they, they want to do.

00;04;20;07 – 00;04;44;02

Moshe Popack

But my wife, she’s more disciplined. But it took me a while. I’d say today it’s 19 years of marriage. I’d say today we’re pretty much like we have every day. We’ll meet for an hour because we work together, and we also, you know, raise the kids together. That’s why it’s super important strategically. Okay? No phones, no nothing. What are we dealing with?

00;04;44;05 – 00;04;51;27

Moshe Popack

We gotta talk it out so we know that we’re both on the same page, and then we tackle and then we come together again. Right? So I.

00;04;51;27 – 00;04;52;29

Dr. Mona

Love it.

00;04;53;02 – 00;05;03;17

Moshe Popack

That’s the way it has to be. It took me a while. It took me a while to realize how important it was, to be completely congruent with my partner. Took a while on that.

00;05;03;19 – 00;05;22;13

Dr. Mona

Yeah. I’m learning. Obviously, your perspective not only on being a parent, but also a partner, a business owner. And I love to hear it. My husband and I call it state of the Union addresses, when we meet for an hour and talk about, you know, life. He’s an ER physician. So we don’t often get those conversations based on schedule, but when we do, it’s a really important thing for us to connect.

00;05;22;13 – 00;05;33;06

Dr. Mona

Like you said, just to figure out what needs to get done. How are we going to stay connected? How are we listening to each other’s needs? So thank you for that. What would be lesson number two?

00;05;33;09 – 00;06;08;28

Moshe Popack

So just like you have to constantly tap in to your partner right. That’s quarterbacking with you. You have to make the time. And so what we’ll do is this kind of one on one time, you can’t get to all 11 during the week because you have life. But again, there’ll be one week where my wife will take the older kids and I’ll take the young kids and then we’ll switch off, but it’ll be undivided one hour with that child, so I’ll tap into him or her every other week.

00;06;09;00 – 00;06;32;19

Moshe Popack

Besides everything that’s going on in the house, I want to be able to see where this child is and where, as a father, they need support. You know, having a rough time with friends, with kids and not feeling too great. And I want to dig and figure out how I can support that child. So that kind of one on one time, one child, two children.

00;06;32;19 – 00;06;41;20

Moshe Popack

How many children have it super important you do it once a week, once every other week because they’re constantly evolving. That’s very important. And give them what they need.

00;06;41;22 – 00;07;09;20

Dr. Mona

Yeah. So it’s really great to hear how you do that with again working. And obviously having so many children. And so I love how you kind of frame that in terms of managing the expectation that it’s not going to maybe happen every day, but that you’re looking at who may need you more in a season, or also just making sure that you are tapping into the child who may not have those behavioral issues or may just be kind of more on autopilot, but you are still prioritizing that one on one time with every child.

00;07;09;20 – 00;07;13;23

Dr. Mona

So I love lesson two. What would be the third lesson for us today?

00;07;13;25 – 00;07;42;22

Moshe Popack

So this is super important that I think framework wise. So my two oldest are two boys, 18 and 16. So I tried to double up the idea. The idea is family, right. So you are different, but this is your family. I think statistically the odds of them getting along, friends wise, getting along, business wise, the odds are better.

00;07;42;24 – 00;08;10;15

Moshe Popack

Even though you’re different. Because you need different. My wife and I are different, too. But you’ve been around similar background. The odds of them connecting and then showing the younger kids. Right? That connection is super important that they should be. Try to be best friends, try to connect with each other. One of the practical things that I did, again, my oldest is more strategic and my six year olds more sales.

00;08;10;18 – 00;08;32;03

Moshe Popack

So they start. I had them start a vending machine business. It’s a simple business. So you’re learning so one learning how to get along with each other. Again, different personalities, but also the basics of finance, the basics of business. Right. He’s ordering vending machines from China. He’s bringing him in. He’s there stocking them. They’re running Excel spreadsheets like a basic.

00;08;32;05 – 00;08;53;29

Moshe Popack

And actually they’re growing. There’s fights and there’s disagreements. But I want them to happen now and then. My wife and I, we schedule, okay, we’re going to be mediator on this day of your situation because let them go through it now while they’re young. And also the younger kids can see that. And slowly the issues and the kinks are slowly working themselves out.

00;08;54;06 – 00;08;59;09

Moshe Popack

And also as their brain develops and they, they gain more patience with each other.

00;08;59;11 – 00;09;11;27

Dr. Mona

Yeah, that’s a great thing. So we’ve already had really three great lessons. So celebrating a new personalities one on one time, encouraging them to collaborate like you said. What would be number four.

00;09;11;29 – 00;09;34;28

Moshe Popack

So going to the idea of and again, as I mentioned before, the idea of tough love, which my wife had that naturally. But it’s funny because she, she had the grandparents, the parents, she was the only child. She had everyone dotting on her. Yeah. But her parents were immigrated from right before she was born. So they were immigrants and she grew up.

00;09;35;01 – 00;09;59;28

Moshe Popack

My father drove a taxi for ten years and it was a very tough it was very tough life, but it was full of love. Right. So it’s we have to have that a lot more. A lot of people nowadays, it’s kind of like that victimhood. It’s other people’s fault. Even as an adult. No, you’re an adult. And and at what point are you going to take respond ability for your actions.

00;10;00;04 – 00;10;19;29

Moshe Popack

So you have to mirror it as parents. And you have to have those conversations now with your children, even if they’re five, six years old, eight years old. You have to have those tough go. No, that’s not correct. Know that friend. You know he smokes, he drinks. That’s not good. Yeah, right. I know you want to hang out with them.

00;10;20;04 – 00;10;53;14

Moshe Popack

And I know you want to play video games for five hours. I want to I’m not going to write the honest, truthful, tough love because you care. If you don’t care, you, then you’re not doing that right. You have to do that. And maybe some people work two jobs and it’s exhausting to do that. But again, you chose remember that instead of watching the football game on Sunday or watching, I don’t know, the last time I watched TV or, I don’t know, last night, my wife, we have a ten week old, so she chose she chose, you know, she’s going to you know, sometimes we have a night nurse, the no.

00;10;53;14 – 00;11;03;05

Moshe Popack

This time she’s up all night. I mean, the baby was up all night last night. That was just what it was I was up to. My other son was sick. You do whatever you need to do again to that adaptability.

00;11;03;08 – 00;11;20;22

Dr. Mona

Right? You can’t change the situation that you’re in. And that again, going back to that really amazing phrase that you said that chief up adaptability, it’s going to apply to just so many facets of our lives, not just for being parents. So I love bringing all of what you’re saying back to that really great phrase, because it really does apply.

00;11;20;25 – 00;11;31;11

Dr. Mona

And so these are great lessons. I think number five, I think I’m really excited about, the final lesson, this is something I’m also really passionate about, but what would that be for us? Our listeners today.

00;11;31;14 – 00;11;58;03

Moshe Popack

Right. So someone that’s listening, right. So they’re thinking about it, they’re like like, oh, wow, I got to make one on one time for the wife. I got 11 kids. I got to make one one on one time for the kids. I do all these things right. So what about me? Right? What about me? Yeah. So that is the most important thing because it was very hard for myself to have the strength to say to my partner, you know what, I need this.

00;11;58;06 – 00;12;15;20

Moshe Popack

I need to go for a bike ride. I need to go for a run. This is what I need for my mental health. Because otherwise you’re going to get a half version of me, and I’m not going to show up to you or the kids correctly. And there’s nothing wrong with that. People will say, oh, that’s selfish.

00;12;15;23 – 00;12;38;10

Moshe Popack

That’s no it’s not. You know yourself and maybe people don’t see how much you’re doing, but it doesn’t matter when you have like for me, when you have 11 kids, it’s you, your wife and your kids. Again, you want to make sure they’re safe. But the idea is be honest with that. What time? You know, that’s self-awareness. You need to journal a lot.

00;12;38;10 – 00;12;59;10

Moshe Popack

Be aware. Okay, I’m not feeling so great right now. This is just what it is. And you need to make that a top priority because it’s not fair to your wife or your kids. If you show up halfway or you’re flipping or you’re on edge, that’s not that’s not okay. It’s not okay. So you have to communicate that and watch.

00;12;59;10 – 00;13;18;26

Moshe Popack

And sometimes you have to curb that need also sometimes because again, your wife might not have slept all night the night before. So you have to watch that. You have to be have a little bit of empathy. Right. And see wow, she didn’t sleep all night. Like maybe I’ll take the baby and just shut my mouth and do what I got to do, you know?

00;13;18;28 – 00;13;24;23

Moshe Popack

Right. It’s it’s that far too.

00;13;24;25 – 00;13;46;05

Dr. Mona

And that’s your follow up. Just a small dose of the real relatable and eye opening conversations we love to have here. If you smiled, nodded, or had an moment, go ahead and download, follow and share this episode with a friend. Let’s grow this village together for more everyday parenting wins and real talk. Hang out with us on Instagram at the PedsDocTalk podcast.

00;13;46;12 – 00;14;01;25

Dr. Mona

Want more? Dive into the full episode and more at PedsDocTalk.com. Because parenting is better with support. And remember, consistency is key. Humor is medicine and follow ups are everything. I’m Doctor Mona. See you next time for your next dose.