A podcast for parents regarding the health and wellness of their children.
Toddlers and private parts privacy
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On this episode of Monday Mornings with Dr. Mona, a mother of a 2.5 year old calls in to ask if it’s normal that her son doesn’t want anybody looking at his genitalia during bath time/diaper changes.
I discuss how to balance body autonomy with the need for parental monitoring/intervention. I also discuss why body autonomy is important AND why we should be teaching children from a young age about normal anatomical names for genitalia.
00;00;01;04 – 00;00;07;08
Dr. Mona
Welcome to Monday Mornings with Doctor Mona, where each week I answer your questions.
00;00;07;11 – 00;00;28;06
Mom
Hi, Dr. Mona. My son is two and a half. And happily for the past few months, maybe a little bit longer. He doesn’t want us to clean or even touch his penis or his scrotum and, you know, is weird because he doesn’t seem to be bothered by anything. He just doesn’t want us to touch it. And that’s kind of strongly to it.
00;00;28;06 – 00;00;39;13
Mom
And I just wondered if this was normal for boys to not want that area to show such a young age. Or if there’s anything else that we should be worried about and trying to protect you further. Thank you.
00;00;39;15 – 00;01;05;25
Dr. Mona
Thank you so much for this. A great question. And I wanted to tackle this not only to normalize the situation, but offer an opportunity to teach our kids about body parts and body autonomy, which is important. And it’s our job as parents, and it can’t be taught in this toddler years. Sometimes as parents, we feel a little bit shy or uncertain about talking about these things with our children because maybe we feel a little bit uncomfortable.
00;01;06;02 – 00;01;26;11
Dr. Mona
But we really need to normalize having these conversations not only about body autonomy, but because it can also lead to safety. In case we ever find that our child is being touched inappropriately. I know it’s parents. It’s not something that we want to think about or know about, but it is really important that children understand the difference between an okay touch and a not okay touch.
00;01;26;18 – 00;01;49;18
Dr. Mona
And in this situation, how you can navigate it as their parent who is looking out for their best interest. So number one, this is normal for boys and girls to be very private at this age. Some are not and some are. And it’s very normal if the children are or are not. It’s all based on temperament. So some kids by nature are going to be more shy.
00;01;49;18 – 00;02;08;20
Dr. Mona
They’re going to guard more for their genital privacy. While a sibling in the same household is more open. So you as a family are approaching things similarly. It’s just that some children are more shy about this and that is very normal. We want to normalize the fact that they are more private and that is okay. So it’s totally normal and it varies child by child.
00;02;08;22 – 00;02;29;20
Dr. Mona
But two plus you have a two and a half year old is a very common age and a great time to teach about body ownership. So how should you navigate the situation. So use the opportunity to teach your child correct body part names, and that you understand that they won’t want to be touched and respect that. So eliminate the cutesy names for genitalia.
00;02;29;21 – 00;02;54;10
Dr. Mona
Definitely by two years. I really encourage using normal body parts from the beginning, but by two years I really want you to remove the cutesy names. You know, we don’t call our ears our ears, we’re Z’s or toggle walls, so you don’t need to use cutesy names for genitalia. Normalize using penis vagina, vulva. They’re not bad words. And I think again, socially, culturally, we may think that they’re bad words, but they’re not.
00;02;54;10 – 00;03;21;23
Dr. Mona
They’re part of the human anatomy. So it’s important for communication purposes if someone were to inappropriately touch them. Also, if you show discomfort speaking about these body parts, then they will feel like it’s something to be ashamed about as well. And it’s not something that we should talk about. So we want to normalize the words and remind them not to be ashamed of those body parts, and that it is a part of our body and private parts are for private, right?
00;03;21;23 – 00;03;41;12
Dr. Mona
Although we are talking about normalizing these, you know, genitalia words, you’re not going to say it’s okay to just show people your genitalia in public, right? You say your penis and your vagina. We look at in private, this is yours in private, and I’ll get into more things that you can do. So first is utilize this opportunity to talk about correct body parts.
00;03;41;14 – 00;04;00;16
Dr. Mona
The next thing. So your skin is actually very similar to mine. My son is also very shy with his private parts, so offering some personal and professional tips here. Okay. When he is shy you can say I see you don’t want mommy touching your scrotum or penis. And again, you’re using the real words. That’s okay. Here. I think you can clean it yourself.
00;04;00;16 – 00;04;19;21
Dr. Mona
So you give them a washcloth in the bath, make it fun or silly and not out of frustration. So you’re not going to say, okay, fine, fine, fine. Oh, okay. I’m not going to touch say okay, that’s okay. But here’s a washcloth. Show me how we clean it. And then they’re going to, you know, probably pad it. And you can also take the washcloth and demonstrate on a doll or just show them, okay.
00;04;19;21 – 00;04;40;10
Dr. Mona
You’re going to pat the area and clean the area. So allowing them the autonomy to do it themselves, you have to walk them through it. You know, you may have to tolerate some dissent. You know, they may scream and cry. If they don’t want to do it, say, that’s okay and we can try again tomorrow. If you do see a visible concern that needs to be clean, then you may need to intervene, right?
00;04;40;10 – 00;04;58;21
Dr. Mona
So just say there is a concern of a rash or doctor prescribed an ointment of some kind for an issue. Of course we can’t expect our toddler child to do it themselves, but you need to verbalize why you are doing this. Mommy is checking out your penis because I am concerned of a rash. I am concerned because we have to put some medicine on it.
00;04;58;22 – 00;05;18;10
Dr. Mona
See the example that you are verbalizing why you as a mother are looking at that area right now when they’re showing a little bit of shyness. And this is actually what I do in my office. So I’m actually really big on saying, okay, now I have to take a look down here in your private parts, and I’m only taking a look because your mommy is sitting right there.
00;05;18;10 – 00;05;32;10
Dr. Mona
Is it okay if I take a look and, you know, the child will make eye contact with the mom? The mom will nod, you know, and also explain that this is what we’re why we’re doing it, why it’s normal. And I will walk them through it. I will verbalize and say, you’re going to feel my gloves because I’m wearing gloves and I do it right.
00;05;32;16 – 00;05;50;26
Dr. Mona
You’re going to feel my gloves. I’m going to take a look. And I do this very young. Like I do this as young as two years old. I just think it’s so important that we normalize that. That. Yes. Even though I’m a physician and I am essentially an authority figure for this child, I still have to kind of seek permission and also just let them know why I’m doing it.
00;05;51;03 – 00;06;07;04
Dr. Mona
Sometimes when I have a child who’s more uncomfortable with it, I say, okay, mommy’s going to hold you, mommy’s going to show me. And then mommy will take down the pants and show me what’s going on, and they’ll sit with mom. And so I have to gauge that, right? So we this is your own child. So you’re going to do what you need to do.
00;06;07;11 – 00;06;25;24
Dr. Mona
You don’t have to be angry about it. You’re not going to be frustrated about it. You’re going to make it very matter of fact. But also explain why you have to do that. So allow them the opportunity to clean themselves first before you check to make sure if you need to help them clean. Usually this area doesn’t need major rubbing or scrubbing, right?
00;06;25;24 – 00;06;44;29
Dr. Mona
It’s genitalia. It’s actually, to be honest, kind of self cleansing. You don’t need to do much stuff. If they’re older, you may need to help retract the foreskin if they’re not circumcised, but they can be taught that, right? You can show them once and then they do it. This is something that they can commonly learn at this age, but you are going to monitor and make sure, okay, do I need to follow up?
00;06;45;03 – 00;07;02;20
Dr. Mona
Do I need to intervene or am I just allowing them the independence and the body autonomy to do it on their own? And likely you can allow them to do that, and then the repetition is going to be important, right? Giving them the washcloth again, a clean washcloth, giving them the chance to do what they need to do and saying, okay, I see that you don’t want mommy touching.
00;07;02;24 – 00;07;21;02
Dr. Mona
I want you to clean yourself, show me what you do, and then you’re using that as an opportunity to explain why you are being allowed to look at this right now. Right. And the more repetition you do with that, the more they’re gonna understand that this is an okay situation because mommy is helping me clean and other situations are not, which we’ll get into.
00;07;21;05 – 00;07;39;16
Dr. Mona
So now explain who can touch. This is important. So mommy is touching because we are helping keep it clean. The doctor may touch or look down there because they want to make sure you are okay, but I will be there. We don’t let anybody see our private parts without our permission, or see or touch anybody’s private parts without their permission, right?
00;07;39;20 – 00;08;01;01
Dr. Mona
So my body, my touch, your body, your touch. Nobody gets to touch or look at anything without each other’s permission. Now, this is also important if you are a family that is comfortable being naked around each other. You know, we do this sometimes with potty training or just in general raise a child sees their mother, father or caregiver naked, and it’s just kind of a common thing in some families.
00;08;01;03 – 00;08;21;02
Dr. Mona
So I want you to make sure that you are verbalizing what’s happening in the situation. Right. So if this is happening, say, you know, mommy’s naked in the bathroom and you see mommy naked because mommy is okay with that. You see daddy naked because daddy is okay with that. So you’re normalizing that. Yes, you’re seeing this, but there are reasons why this is happening, right?
00;08;21;02 – 00;08;49;15
Dr. Mona
There’s rules to why this is happening. It’s not just that this person is doing this and it’s against their will, right? We want them to understand that they have a choice, especially with their genitalia. The next thing is discuss what okay and not okay. Touches are an okay touches. If someone helps you when you fall and they give you a hug, an okay touch is if there is an injury, for example, and we need to address that, an okay touch would be just say there is a rash in the area.
00;08;49;15 – 00;09;09;06
Dr. Mona
And you know, I have had to prescribe ointment for rashes or irritation in the penis, for example, or in the vaginal area for like a virgin itis. And so I normalize and say, hey, look, this is what needs to happen because we need to keep this area safe and protected. So mommy has to put on some ointment every day after we go take a bath or whatever it is.
00;09;09;12 – 00;09;28;20
Dr. Mona
So it’s really important that we say the why of why this is okay, not okay touches. If is if it makes the child feel scared, nervous or icky, you can use that word. So you want to normalize what are okay and not okay touches set the expectation that mommy’s going to look. They’re doing diaper changes or, you know, baths.
00;09;28;23 – 00;09;50;16
Dr. Mona
Whenever you’re looking there to make sure everything is okay. So they understand the why. So obviously as a parent, we have to take a look at these areas sometimes to make sure everything’s okay. So there is a balance here of body autonomy. But also they’re little. They need us to make sure there’s no diaper rash thing to make sure that, you know, everything looks good if there’s an irritation there.
00;09;50;21 – 00;10;10;12
Dr. Mona
So we want to verbalize that I see, sweetie, that you do not want mommy touching this area. And I respect you. I’m okay with you trying to clean on your own. If I need to intervene, I’m going to intervene. But I’m giving you the space to do it on your own. The private parts genitalia is a very special area of autonomy, right?
00;10;10;12 – 00;10;32;12
Dr. Mona
Because to me, it is really important that we teach our children that this is our private parts. Nobody gets to see or touch them without our permission or vice versa. But remember, you as a parent are also technically a someone. And sometimes we have to take a look at this area. Sometimes the doctor has to take a look at this area, and young children may not understand the differences right away.
00;10;32;12 – 00;10;48;10
Dr. Mona
Right. They’re little. They can’t expect that. Oh yeah, this is an okay situation or not. But it’s the repetition. It’s the constant reminding that, hey, I see that you don’t want me to touch this. I respect that you can clean on your own, but I may need to help. And also, when you’re in the doctor’s office, you can verbalize.
00;10;48;10 – 00;11;07;14
Dr. Mona
And if the doctor doesn’t say it right, like if the doctor doesn’t say, hey, I have to check this area because of this, mommy’s sitting right there, or daddy sitting right there. You verbalize and say, hey, remember, sweetie, nobody gets to touch this area, but the doctor’s taking a look because we are here for a checkup and mommy’s sitting right here, but otherwise, nobody gets to touch without your permission.
00;11;07;16 – 00;11;25;10
Dr. Mona
So we want to normalize that, balance it with, obviously, the body autonomy. But what we need to do as parents sometimes. Thank you for tuning in today. If you find this series helpful or any of my content helpful, please make sure to share it on your social media channel. Because that is how other people can find this resource.
00;11;25;10 – 00;11;29;02
Dr. Mona
So thank you so much for joining us and I will talk to you next week.
Please note that our transcript may not exactly match the final audio, as minor edits or adjustments could be made during production.
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