On this episode of Monday Mornings with Dr. Mona, I talk to Jeanna about her 21-month old son who used to be a great sleeper and suddenly is going through a sleep regression.

We discuss:

• Why toddlers have sleep regressions
• The biggest pitfall parents make when approaching regressions
• Proper boundary setting with sleep to reach your goals

In this new format of Monday Mornings with Dr Mona that began June 2022, I end each episode with three parenting principles. These principles can be used in various parenting situations, but I explain how the three principles I chose apply to toddler sleep regressions in a toddler.

00;00;00;00 – 00;00;12;17

Dr. Mona

We cannot teach our children anything when they are upset. We can validate and be there for them. But then when they’re calm is when we’re going to teach the whys, because that’s when it’s going to start to register more and more.

 

00;00;12;19 – 00;00;32;24

Dr. Mona

Hey everyone. Welcome back to the PedsDocTalk Podcast, a podcast that continues to grow because of you and your reviews and ratings. So thank you for tuning in and being here today. On this episode of Monday Mornings with Doctor Mona, I welcome Jeanna, who has a 21 month old son named Nolan, and he used to be an amazing sleeper.

 

00;00;32;27 – 00;00;38;18

Dr. Mona

And now bedtime is a battle and she is wondering what she can do about it.

 

00;00;38;20 – 00;00;43;13

Dr. Mona

Hey Jeanna, welcome to the podcast. So tell me what is on your mind today as a mom?

 

00;00;43;16 – 00;00;57;01

Jeanna

Thank you so much for having me. Sleep. My son went from being an amazing sleeper to having some recent challenges with nap times. And also the bedtime routine has become a bit of a disaster.

 

00;00;57;03 – 00;01;00;02

Dr. Mona

And your son is 21 months old, correct?

 

00;01;00;09 – 00;01;01;21

Jeanna

Yes he is.

 

00;01;01;24 – 00;01;09;18

Dr. Mona

When do you think it all started? Where you started to see it? Let’s just use the word regression that things were kind of going astray from what he was normally doing.

 

00;01;09;20 – 00;01;29;04

Jeanna

Sure. So the terrible timing. Of course, it all happened after I left for work trip, and I was gone for a couple of nights. I think it was just coincidence, but it started a couple weeks ago where he just used to be a 15 minute. He was down for bed, and now it’s taking us about an hour to go down.

 

00;01;29;04 – 00;01;32;07

Jeanna

And it all started after I was out of town.

 

00;01;32;10 – 00;01;37;24

Dr. Mona

Did it affect his naps as well? Where you are not getting him to nap or what was his naps like?

 

00;01;37;26 – 00;02;00;12

Jeanna

So the naps. He goes to a montessori school and he naps great at school. They follow the same routine on the weekends. It kind of coincided with that where he didn’t want to go down for his naps anymore, which previously hadn’t been an issue, you know, so it’s kind of this conundrum of he need naps, great at school, but not great at home.

 

00;02;00;14 – 00;02;13;23

Jeanna

And we’ve really struggled to reconcile, you know what the differences are between the two, particularly because previously he used to nap great at home. You know, everything was consistent and then it became inconsistent.

 

00;02;13;25 – 00;02;29;08

Dr. Mona

And you’re bringing up a very common thing that I think parents sometimes forget. And just to backtrack, your child was a pretty decent sleeper. Meaning was he sleeping through the night, meaning no wake ups before all this? Or was he still waking up in the middle of the night but was asleep patterns before you left for your trip?

 

00;02;29;10 – 00;02;50;18

Jeanna

Yeah, before I left for my trip, he was, 8 p.m. to 8 a.m. sleeper. Okay. Very consistently with no wake ups in the middle of the night. And then naps were he’s been at once a day for a nap for quite, you know, several months. And he would go down around 1:00 and sleep till about three. And that was also very consistent.

 

00;02;50;20 – 00;03;14;07

Dr. Mona

And you are describing, yes, a very typical schedule for a 21 month old. And I’m going to kind of talk about some of the reasons why this may happen. So you said that you went on a work trip. Yes. It could be coincidence. I agree with that. But children at this age, especially, you know, 21 months, he’s approaching two years after 18 months, when we see these toddler sleep regressions, a lot of it can happen because of developmental changes, right?

 

00;03;14;07 – 00;03;37;27

Dr. Mona

So maybe there’s some language explosion or obviously he’s probably walking already, correct? Yes. Yeah. Language explosion, cognitive development, you know, understanding of my mommy. And you know, my daddy are not here. What’s going on? You know, they left and they’re coming back. Are they going to come back? There’s that sort of understanding of more cognitive awareness of where they leave, and then they, you know, they’re not here anymore.

 

00;03;37;29 – 00;03;54;25

Dr. Mona

And then also change in routine change in environment. So you’re leaving for that work trip could have been a change in routine. That kind of threw him off just for a little bit. And then we’ll get into more of like what you kind of have been doing. And then the last thing that I commonly see at this age is FOMO.

 

00;03;55;00 – 00;04;11;17

Dr. Mona

Okay. So fear of missing out. You know, children, we don’t account for that as much as we should. That toddlers, especially a lot of the reason why they do not like to sleep anymore is, again, that cognitive awareness that we other people are doing things. My humans, my adults, you know, like they’re doing other things right now, like what’s going on?

 

00;04;11;17 – 00;04;27;11

Dr. Mona

Like, I don’t want to be sleeping, like I want to be with my mom. And a lot of the reason why you could see this at home and not at the school is because, you know, is that you’re at home, right? And he knows that, oh, mommy. And daddy are home. And this is amazing. And I want to spend time with them.

 

00;04;27;15 – 00;04;45;15

Dr. Mona

I don’t want to sleep when we know that sleep is important. And that’s what I commonly see, that when parents report that the school has said that everything is pretty decent and awesome, and then at home it’s like no naps or naps are okay. But nighttime is a struggle because at school it sounds like they are able to put him down without any issue, right?

 

00;04;45;18 – 00;04;53;04

Jeanna

Correct. It’s that group mentality I think too, of he’s around so many other little kids and everyone else is going to bed, so I might as of the crowd.

 

00;04;53;04 – 00;05;08;01

Dr. Mona

Yeah, kind of goes in line with that FOMO thing that I’m talking about, that when other people are sleeping too, then they’re like, oh, well, this is not I’m not missing out on anything, right? But if you’re putting him into the crib and he’s having to go to bed now and he’s like, wait, you all are leaving like no one else is sleeping in here with me, you know?

 

00;05;08;01 – 00;05;17;11

Dr. Mona

So we’ll get into that. So what have you tried so far, if anything? To kind of remedy or kind of get him back onto that sleep regimen.

 

00;05;17;14 – 00;05;42;06

Jeanna

Yeah. So we’ve tried to be consistent with his routine, and he’s been on the same basic sleep routine since he was about three months old of bath time, pajamas, books, bed. And so through any sleep progressions, we’ve always stuck to the routine. So trying to not deviate too far from that, my husband and I have talked about, you know, do we need to adjust his bedtime?

 

00;05;42;13 – 00;06;07;22

Jeanna

Because, you know, the 8 p.m. had been working really well, but had been going to bed so quickly. But, you know, the concern is now that he’s like staying up almost till 9:00. It seems quite late for him. And so do we need to change his bedtime. So that’s something that we just implemented. Was trying to shift to an earlier bedtime to account for the taking longer for him to go to sleep.

 

00;06;07;24 – 00;06;29;11

Jeanna

And I started doing a checklist two, where we check off at every activity so that he kind of knows what’s happening and making sure that he’s informed. And, you know, usually he wants to eat the marker and you can. I’m hoping that the consistency will kind of develop that stepwise approach for him.

 

00;06;29;14 – 00;06;33;23

Dr. Mona

Yeah, I think, so you were putting him to bed at 9:00. Correct.

 

00;06;33;26 – 00;06;41;13

Jeanna

Well, we start the bedtime routine at like 730, but by the time we actually are out of the room and he’s asleep. Yeah, we’re hitting 9:00.

 

00;06;41;15 – 00;07;08;09

Dr. Mona

Yeah, I think it does make sense to shorten or move up the routine so that he is in his crib by 8 p.m. at the latest. I think that’s absolutely going to be beneficial. And then especially the days that he’s home with you that he does nap fuze on the weekends or if he’s not at school, absolutely considering moving it up even more like meaning not even 8:00 crib time, but even like 730 or 715 to account for the lack of a nap that he didn’t get.

 

00;07;08;09 – 00;07;25;09

Dr. Mona

You know, obviously at the home the days that he’s home. Yeah. I think that consistency is going to be vital with sleep in general. I think you already kind of understand that aspect is that the consistency in routine sounds like you’re already doing the routine consistency with the checklist and it shows a visual control for the child.

 

00;07;25;15 – 00;07;31;23

Dr. Mona

You know, as he gets older, he may even want to check it off himself is I’m sure he’s not doing that at 21 months. Is he doing that yet?

 

00;07;31;26 – 00;07;36;17

Jeanna

He’s just writing on the yes thing. Yeah. But I yeah. No more.

 

00;07;36;20 – 00;07;52;17

Dr. Mona

Yeah. More cognitively I would imagine that, maybe a two and a half year old, maybe more able to kind of like check it off and actually understand, you know, 21 months is still in an age where it is more cause and effect as more so than, okay, we’re going to do this and you’re going to check this off like more of that control.

 

00;07;52;17 – 00;08;10;13

Dr. Mona

But you may start to see that as you know he approaches two years. But yes that consistency is going to be key. Now tell me what happens when you leave the room or what’s that sort of routine when he starts to get upset, or when he is realizing that y’all are now going to leave? What’s happening then?

 

00;08;10;16 – 00;08;35;06

Jeanna

That’s when bloodcurdling screams come in. Yeah, he shifted from before when we brought him in his crib. Even if he was still awake, he would talk to himself. He would saying to himself, he would just have a very good time by himself and then fall asleep. Now, when we put him in his crib, it is screaming nonstop. Then it’s up, I want up, I want up and just wailing, you know?

 

00;08;35;06 – 00;08;36;26

Jeanna

And he’s heartbreaking.

 

00;08;36;28 – 00;08;54;02

Dr. Mona

Yeah, I know it’s heartbreaking because of course one I mean no one wants to hear their child scream. And obviously it’s a feeling of, you know, just like am I doing the right thing? Like what worries you or frustrates you most in that moment when he’s screaming like, what does that trigger in you? Or what does that tell you?

 

00;08;54;02 – 00;08;58;23

Dr. Mona

What does that make you feel? Because that is something that I want to make sure I understand before we can proceed.

 

00;08;58;25 – 00;09;26;16

Jeanna

Yeah. I mean, it’s typically reacted to who’s like crying or screaming because he doesn’t do it all that often. You know. And so any time that he’s like verbalizing, like the screaming, screaming and crying, excuse me, is I feel the need to go in and react to it. And, you know, my concern, of course, is am I making it worse in the long run or is, you know, it’s really tough.

 

00;09;26;19 – 00;09;45;09

Dr. Mona

Yeah. Well, listen. Absolutely. I and I respect you for telling me that because that’s important for, again, for us to understand that it is not easy to hear your child scream cry. I mean, I don’t whether it’s the sleep, whether it’s the tantrums, whatever it is, it’s not easy. You know, I talk about not fearing the tears and what I mean by that.

 

00;09;45;12 – 00;10;03;17

Dr. Mona

It doesn’t mean that we are okay with the crying. I mean, it doesn’t mean that it makes us feel good as a parent. Is it? Make us feel like, oh yeah, go ahead and cry. It means that we’re not cheering it, that we know that we’re not going to do something harmful by allowing him to cry. Now, the method of what you do with that will depend on your parenting philosophy and whatnot.

 

00;10;03;24 – 00;10;13;14

Dr. Mona

But when he does cry, do you wait a certain amount of time before you go in? Are you picking him up? Are you in the room? What’s the kind of set up there with the, prime, you know?

 

00;10;13;14 – 00;10;35;09

Jeanna

So in general, we try to wait, you know, give it a certain amount of time and it’s like, okay, let’s give it five minutes. Like put him in his crib, give him five minutes. And, you know, we’ve tried to do it just from the door to say, like, go back to bed. It’s okay. Yeah. He seems to be a little bit more responsive to that approach with my husband and then with me, like, there’s no effect on it, right?

 

00;10;35;09 – 00;10;53;03

Jeanna

He just it like, I know that if I keep doing this, she’ll come in and pick me up and. Yeah. So we went in and picked him up, you know, kind of at the I don’t want to say preset intervals but like somewhat regular intervals. So yeah, you know, it’s not put him down and then run back out and then run back in and pick him up.

 

00;10;53;03 – 00;11;03;00

Jeanna

It’s all right. I’m going to put you in and we’re going to give it five minutes okay. We’re going to give it ten minutes. And you know hoping that he’ll kind of resolve it on his own.

 

00;11;03;02 – 00;11;03;20

Dr. Mona

Right.

 

00;11;03;22 – 00;11;21;14

Jeanna

But it doesn’t seem to be working that way. And like that’s what we did. You know when he was a year ish or something. You know, it’s if we gave him some time to kind of fix it himself. He typically did, but it doesn’t seem like that’s working anymore.

 

00;11;21;16 – 00;11;37;25

Dr. Mona

And that can change as they get older, for sure. I mean, I relate to that too. My son Ryan, like, was actually a pretty decent infant sleeper with some, you know, training that we had to do, but not major like some sleep training. But then the toddler years when he had his regressions, the screams, obviously the screaming, crying feels worse because they’re louder.

 

00;11;38;02 – 00;11;55;00

Dr. Mona

And obviously then they can start to say, mama calm mama like, you know, like come back. And it’s painful to hear. But I also understand that there is importance in consistency. So one thing that I will say is that it’s important to kind of figure out with your partner, what is it that you both want to do together?

 

00;11;55;00 – 00;12;31;09

Dr. Mona

Because yes, he understands that if one parent comes in more readily, then there’s no consistency in the action of the caregivers, right? So we have to decide the boundary as a team. So I’m going to give an example. We’re going to give him five minutes. But before that it is important to prep the brain right. So when you are going to bed make sure you nap time and bedtime say goodbye to toys, tuck them in like do a whole routine very quickly that makes him feel that he’s not having that FOMO aspect that I mentioned where he is going to say, okay, let’s take the night to our trucks.

 

00;12;31;16 – 00;12;48;24

Dr. Mona

Good night truck. Good night. Whatever. His favorite toys. All right. Good night. Track the night into the night. If you have a pet, you do a whole little bye bye good night routine. Before you all go upstairs and do your other bedtime routine. So he’s understanding that this is a change in my normal day or my morning to naptime.

 

00;12;48;24 – 00;13;09;12

Dr. Mona

Exact as an example. And we are now going to a different time. We are going to bedtime the night and also verbalizing with him, hey, do you know why we go to rest? We rest so that we can wake up and our bodies can feel rested and we can play. And I want you to continue to incorporate that in the routine also, where you are priming his brain to understand that we are changing to go to bed.

 

00;13;09;15 – 00;13;28;16

Dr. Mona

Meaning now we’re closing down the TV, whatever y’all, we’re doing so no more. And now we’re going to go to bed. And so good night everybody. Good night. And then we’re also going to talk to him and say we are going to bed because bed is for resting and we want to feel rested. This is not going to be an overnight thing that you do that and then tomorrow he’s not or that night he’s going to be like sleeping through the night.

 

00;13;28;21 – 00;13;47;12

Dr. Mona

But that priming helps him understand that. Here’s an expectation that my parents are telling me that it’s bedtime. So now here is my expectation that the parents are telling me now it’s our job to hold through with the boundaries that we’re going to create. So if you say to your child, okay, we’re going to go to bed, it’s bedtime, Nolan, I love you.

 

00;13;47;12 – 00;14;06;06

Dr. Mona

I’m going to put you in your crib and you are going to go night. Night. Mommy. No, mommy, no, I’m giving you example. I love you, sweetheart, so much. And notice that my voice is not getting risen. It’s not getting, like, frustrated. It’s not getting, like, anything more than matter of fact. I love you so much, Nolan. And I see that you really want mommy, and I’m going.

 

00;14;06;06 – 00;14;21;10

Dr. Mona

You’re going to rest. And if you need me, I’m going to come back in ten minutes. They don’t understand what ten minutes is. Is 21 months okay? But it helps give a frame of reference for you that you are setting a boundary and you are now going to follow through with that boundary. So you are going to leave.

 

00;14;21;12 – 00;14;39;29

Dr. Mona

You’re going to set a timer truly on your watch, because ten minutes feels like an hour when you’re crying. And then after ten minutes, you or dad, whoever’s going to go in, decide who’s going to be the one that night is going to go in. And I actually encourage you not to pick him up, but to talk to him while he’s crying in the safe space of a crib.

 

00;14;40;02 – 00;15;02;04

Dr. Mona

My philosophy is that when we pick them up out of the crib, when they’re crying versus just standing next to them, you can even kneel down and get down to their level and rub his back and talk him through, like de-escalate. When we pick him up, we’re reinforcing that this is something that’s not safe for you. I get it, but you are still allowing your presence by physically getting in that room with him, right?

 

00;15;02;04 – 00;15;15;05

Dr. Mona

Because you are. I agree, I don’t believe in complete shut the door at this age because they do have true separations. I’d like. It’s really hard to just say, okay, good night. I’ll see you in the morning. Right. You can’t do that at this age, in my opinion. So you’re going to go in, but don’t lift him up.

 

00;15;15;05 – 00;15;32;24

Dr. Mona

And that is very hard to do when they’re crying in your face. And I’ve been there. Okay. But what you’re doing here is you are going to like, kneel down if you need to so that your eye level, because getting down to their level makes them also feel that they’re heard, makes them feel that they’re not being talked down to you, and you are going to just crouch down and say, I see you.

 

00;15;33;00 – 00;15;47;19

Dr. Mona

I see that you want mommy, but it is bedtime. You are going to rest. You’re going to rest because it’s important so that we can go and play tomorrow. And then I want you to bring back like the things that you said. Good night to remember. We said good night to our truck. Do you want to play with your truck in the morning?

 

00;15;47;26 – 00;16;05;03

Dr. Mona

Yes, mama. Truck, I know that you want to play with the truck and you are going to talk to him. He may not completely calm down in that moment, but I want you to give him 1 to 2 minutes of your time that you are connecting and that you were saying, I love you, sweetie. And then again, you’re not picking him up.

 

00;16;05;03 – 00;16;22;06

Dr. Mona

You are going to repeat, I love you. I’m going to be back in 15 minutes if you need me. And that is the Ferber way to do it in the toddler years, right? Because they are going to look at you for connection and understanding and that you’re like, not like leaving them completely. But I wouldn’t pick them up completely.

 

00;16;22;06 – 00;16;41;01

Dr. Mona

And then the other tip, which is the hardest part, is avoiding the rise, right? Stay reassuring and calm. Try not to get upset if they’re getting upset. You know you want to make sure that you are respecting their feeling, but that you are following through with what I mentioned earlier of what boundary you and your partner created at the beginning.

 

00;16;41;01 – 00;17;02;04

Dr. Mona

So if you and your partner stay together, we are going to give him ten minutes of crying and then we’re going to go in. You stick to that right. And the calm follow through is what I really think is vital when we say, if I have a boundary for my child and if I go in and I’m like, okay, okay, okay, okay, I see it here, come out, let’s go to my bed or let’s go to your bed and read a book that is not the boundary that you all set as caregivers.

 

00;17;02;11 – 00;17;22;12

Dr. Mona

Your boundary was that ten minutes we’re going to go in, we’re going to talk to him and then we’re going to leave. That is the consistency that is so vital. And it’s not going to take a night. And I want to really reiterate this. It’s going to take maybe four or nights, five nights, maybe a week. But it’s so important to kind of talk to your partner on how do we want to navigate this and who’s going to be the one to go in.

 

00;17;22;14 – 00;17;43;16

Dr. Mona

But it has to be the same mom who, regardless of the person who’s going in because they also understand the difference. Right? Like if you go in and then you are the one who takes him out of the crib versus dad who talk to him crib side, you know, there is going to be a difference there. So we need to create a united front on the approach of what we do when we go into that room with both caregivers.

 

00;17;43;18 – 00;18;07;01

Jeanna

Thanks. That. It’s, there’s a lot of helpful information in there for you. All right. We say good night to, you know, everything on the first floor and then everything on the second floor. And I think everything under under the sun in the house. But there’s still some more language to use, which I think you pointed out great, is really getting him to participate in the act and trying to understand it and reinforcing that message and also the amount of time.

 

00;18;07;01 – 00;18;24;24

Jeanna

So that was going to be one of my questions to you was when we go back into those, you know, set up checks, how long to stay in there because it I think in my mind I’ve been thinking, I’ll go in and it will de-escalate it. But what we find is that oftentimes it doesn’t, you know. Right.

 

00;18;24;24 – 00;18;46;18

Dr. Mona

And that’s why I want you to create a timer of exactly why I agree that you have to create a timer on how long you’re in there for, because the goal of the check in is not for them to completely calm down. The goal of the check in is for them to understand that you are there, that you love them, that you appreciate them, that you recognize them, but that you know you can’t expect the complete calm down at that moment right.

 

00;18;46;24 – 00;19;02;07

Dr. Mona

So I would do, like I said, 1 to 2 minutes of being in there because then what happens is and if you do five minutes, ten minutes of being in there, that is going to just continue to be probably. And I’ve had this experience where my husband was the one who, if he went in, it was like all hell broke loose.

 

00;19;02;07 – 00;19;16;23

Dr. Mona

Like it was like, you know, and then I’m like, we need to keep the check in short, consistent, but also verbalizing, right? Also telling him, like, you’re not just going in there and be like, go to sleep. You’re saying, Ryan, I see you, Nolan, I see you. I know you really want to come out, I get it, it’s so you’re going to be just fine.

 

00;19;16;23 – 00;19;29;15

Dr. Mona

I’m going to see you in the morning and when I see you in the morning, we’re going to have a great day. Like, again, you’re putting it in their mind that I see you and you’re going to be just fine. And that in the morning we’re going to be okay. And I assure you, he’s going to be okay in the morning.

 

00;19;29;15 – 00;19;43;11

Dr. Mona

Like I do this from sleep. And I know you know that too. But keep it to two minutes max. Max, if you want to do one, that’s fine. But one is really short by the time you get in there. But it’s fine. Again, don’t go more than two and then going back to time frames for the routine as well.

 

00;19;43;16 – 00;19;58;15

Dr. Mona

You and your partner have to decide for the bedtime routine what you’re going to do also, right? Because just say he cries, he wants one more book or wants three more books or whatever. Just give me an example. You and your partner are going to say, hey, we are going to say goodnight to whatever we want to say goodnight to.

 

00;19;58;15 – 00;20;14;00

Dr. Mona

We’re going to go to the back. We’re going to you know, give them the bath, we’re going to brush his teeth. And then we are going to read three books, and that is the boundary that we’re creating. That is the routine that we’re creating. And then from the moment we go in, we give a kiss. And that is when we start that clock for the check in.

 

00;20;14;05 – 00;20;40;14

Dr. Mona

Correct. But yes, you are right that when the moment your presence is in there, right? Like if you walk through the door, he may start shrieking louder, right? Because you know you’re in there. And so then he’s going, you know, and that is really hard to overcome because you’re like, wow, well, I have to pick you up. I’m encouraging you both to do the same thing that, you know, I mentioned earlier that get down to his level, don’t talk to him above like I have found that when I can kneel down and look to I oh my gosh, you know, it hurts hard.

 

00;20;40;16 – 00;20;55;15

Dr. Mona

I’m, I like when I, you know, I’m looking straight in the eyes of a crying child. But when you get down to their level, they feel again, this is all psychologically they feel a little more like, okay, my mommy sees me, they’re crying. They’re not going to listen to anything that you say in terms of like, okay, you know, reasoning.

 

00;20;55;20 – 00;21;09;13

Dr. Mona

You want to validate and say, I see that you’re upset. I see that you’re upset. I’ll be back in ten minutes. Right? Like they’re not going to hear, why should you go to sleep at that moment? Because they’re crying, right? They’re going to understand the why we should sleep more in those calm moments before we went to bed.

 

00;21;09;18 – 00;21;24;29

Dr. Mona

Right. So at that moment, in the two minutes of crying, don’t try so hard to explain. The explanations may help you so that you feel a little better about it. But try to do more of the I see you, Nolan. I see that you’re upset. I see that you really want mommy to pick you up. I am here for you.

 

00;21;25;01 – 00;21;40;25

Dr. Mona

I will come back in 15 minutes again. They don’t understand that. But that’s your boundary that helps you keep this in a frame of mind. And then practicing more and more like you said, when you guys are going to bed. Well, while you’re walking up the stairs, putting it into his mind of we’re going to rest, why are we resting?

 

00;21;40;25 – 00;21;57;25

Dr. Mona

We’re resting because it is so good for our bodies and it makes us feel good. And that is when it’s calm. Because, again, we cannot teach our children anything. When they are upset, we can validate and be there for them. But then when they’re calm is when we’re going to teach the whys, because that’s when it’s going to start to register more and more.

 

00;21;57;28 – 00;22;20;05

Jeanna

Yes. Thank you. Thank you so much for that. It’s, you know, hearing you explain it from, you know, the cognitive point of view, the developmental point of view is so helpful because I think as a parent, like, these are things that I didn’t get the training on. I don’t think most parents had the training on. And of course, so helpful to hear of, you know, the why.

 

00;22;20;05 – 00;22;25;00

Jeanna

Like why are these things happening and then you know how to hopefully overcome them.

 

00;22;25;02 – 00;22;40;04

Dr. Mona

And that is, you know, my hope of this sort of series and stuff, right, is to kind of teach the whys. And, you know, with sleep, with parenting in general, I understand that there is going to be different beliefs, right? Which is why I ask you, like, what have you all done and what have you, you know, what methods were you doing?

 

00;22;40;13 – 00;22;56;24

Dr. Mona

And you incorporate some crying, which I’m okay with. You know, there’s some people who are like Antichrist stay with them the whole time. But remember, this is you’re connecting with them, right? I think we think that when a child cries or when they, should just, like, descent of like, I don’t want to do this, but it means that they’re being abandoned or that they want love.

 

00;22;56;24 – 00;23;15;20

Dr. Mona

You know, like, I know from a personal and professional standpoint that they understand. They just don’t like the new rule. They don’t like that you’re leaving, which is totally I respect that. I respect that they don’t want you to be away from them because they love you, but you also are creating this routine for them that helps them understand with time and again, sleep is not an overnight thing.

 

00;23;15;25 – 00;23;41;21

Dr. Mona

I said this before already that I always encourage parents understand with anything, with sleep, with eating and with behavior. We have to give it a couple weeks of the consistent boundary and follow through and avoiding the rise that I mentioned for us to actually see a glimmer of change. And I know you are, when you understand that what you’re doing is not that when you what you’re doing is not going to be harmful for him, what you’re doing is not going to be detrimental to him, right?

 

00;23;41;21 – 00;23;54;23

Dr. Mona

You know, you’re going to have a child who wakes up and loves you in the morning, like I guarantee it, you’re going to be like, well, remember that time he cried for like ten minutes, like she cried. And then in the morning he was like, hey, mom, I like that, you know, and they’re going to love you. And, you know, it’s also those moments.

 

00;23;54;23 – 00;24;08;00

Dr. Mona

And I think one of the biggest things that I think that I would change, and I already mentioned, is the not taking him out. Now, if you there were other methods that you can do, but in this method you are going to just look him in the eye and oh, Gina, I know it’s going to be hard.

 

00;24;08;07 – 00;24;27;12

Dr. Mona

Okay? Like, I know I’m not sugarcoating it at all. For everyone listening like it is not easy when your child is screaming or crying in your face. But I know you’ve probably been there in tantrum. I know you’ve probably been there. And food refusal, like they’re going to be upset with the rules that we make, right? But what you’re doing is not harmful for him, and I hope that resonates with you and understands that.

 

00;24;27;12 – 00;24;44;24

Dr. Mona

You know what? No. We are going to be me, my partner are going to come up with a plan and we’re going to stick to it, both of us. And it is going to be what works best for our family. And if it doesn’t work, we’ll we’ll pivot and we’ll figure out what we need to do. But yeah, I think you’re going to see some changes just with that mindset going in on how we’re going to approach this for sure.

 

00;24;44;26 – 00;25;01;17

Jeanna

Absolutely. And it’s you’re really empowering it to, you know, there’s a big difference between I scraped my knee tears. Yeah. Those are absolutely like, let’s go give you some comfort in that versus I don’t like rules tears. And yes, we hear those all day long.

 

00;25;01;19 – 00;25;16;13

Dr. Mona

And that is what I’m saying about sleep in this situation. Right. He’s not hurt. We know that he’s not in pain. We know that he’s not like this is not like nothing is. He’s fine. You checked in on him, right? He was. You can touch his back to make sure there’s no fever. Right? Like the check ins are important for that reason.

 

00;25;16;20 – 00;25;33;29

Dr. Mona

But like you said, exactly that. We know that it’s. Oh, wait, this is a change. This is something that I’m not used to. And so. Okay, yeah, I’m going to make it known. But as the parent, we are smart and we understand that. You know what I got this like and really just give her like I when we go through this we give you took me and my partner give each other high fives.

 

00;25;33;29 – 00;25;49;21

Dr. Mona

Like, you know, we support each other and we say we got this. Like he’s going to be fine. And then we also celebrate Nolan. Like when he wakes up and just say he does have a night that he does sleep without. Major, you know, whatever. Nolan, did you rest your body like? Remember when he’s calm the rest of your body, I am.

 

00;25;49;21 – 00;26;08;11

Dr. Mona

So you must feel so good. I’m so proud of you. And, you know, some people are like, oh, don’t say you’re proud. No, I’m really happy that you slept and rested your body. That’s really great. You both feel so happy, you know, and even if you woke up and cried for ten minutes. Right. Celebrate the fact that he woke up in the morning happy and rested.

 

00;26;08;11 – 00;26;20;18

Dr. Mona

And then he gets it again. This is all psychological. Then he gets into his head that well. Yeah, rest is really awesome and I don’t need my mommy. Like she’ll be there in the morning. I don’t need my daddy. He’ll be there in the morning or whoever is coming in the morning. And you’re going to get through this phase.

 

00;26;20;18 – 00;26;20;29

Dr. Mona

I know you.

 

00;26;20;29 – 00;26;22;25

Jeanna

Are. Thanks. Yeah.

 

00;26;22;28 – 00;26;28;24

Dr. Mona

What would be some, Like, I guess some take home like that. Maybe you’ll kind of implement in the next couple of weeks.

 

00;26;28;27 – 00;26;53;02

Jeanna

Yeah. So, you know, the more positive conversations and more just general more conversations around sleep and why it’s so important and, you know, explaining why we’re resting. I don’t think we’ve done that. So I’m excited to add that back in. And as well as having that guidance of how long to do a check, and that was definitely a piece of information that was missing, you know, from our tools.

 

00;26;53;04 – 00;27;04;19

Jeanna

And then coming up with a plan, which I think we’ve done, but this will be a little bit more of a concrete plan and making sure that we’re all on the same page, and I’m just going to cross my fingers.

 

00;27;04;21 – 00;27;19;10

Dr. Mona

Yes, I know you’re going to see some change now as to how much all, you know, you’ll have to let me know. But yes, I am so glad that we could chat about this stuff that, like I said, and you said earlier, it’s not just about sleep, it’s how we approach just the psychology of children and parenting and why they do these things.

 

00;27;19;10 – 00;27;25;22

Dr. Mona

So, you know, Gina, thank you so much for joining me today. And I hope that you all get some sleep in the next few weeks.

 

00;27;25;24 – 00;27;27;13

Jeanna

Thank you so much.

 

00;27;27;15 – 00;27;47;24

Dr. Mona

So Gina and I went over some really important principles when it comes to sleep. And as I end all of these episodes, I want to give you three take homes that are principles that can be used in many different parenting situations. But I want to explain how it applies to this situation of a 21 month old who is not sleeping.

 

00;27;47;26 – 00;28;15;27

Dr. Mona

Number one, you have to decide the boundary and have a calm follow through. You heard that I talked with Gina about her and her partner having the boundary that they’re going to create. Meaning are they going to go in after five minutes? Ten minutes? The consistency is very important and the calm follow through is very important. When we get in there and they’re crying, it can be really hard and we get confused and we get upset and we get kind of roped into that cycle of tears and frustration.

 

00;28;16;04 – 00;28;40;01

Dr. Mona

But we want to understandable. What is our goal here? We are trying to teach independent sleep. We are checking in so that our child knows that we are not going anywhere and that they’re safe, and we want to be very consistent and calm with the follow through of the boundary. So if you are dealing with food refusal, sleep regressions, whatever the issue may be, figure out what is the boundary that you want to create and calmly follow through with it without having a rise.

 

00;28;40;03 – 00;29;03;23

Dr. Mona

Number two, get down to their level and verbalize and empathize with them. So you heard me tell Gina that I encourage her not to lift the child up in this situation, but that connection can happen face to face as we talk to them. You can rub their back, but you want to get down to their level. The reason I like getting down to our child’s level is that it makes them understand that we are connecting with them.

 

00;29;03;29 – 00;29;23;26

Dr. Mona

When we talk to them from above, just say you’re standing over them in their crib. It can make them feel kind of scared. Does mommy really understand what I’m feeling? But by getting down to their level, by kneeling down, looking them in the eyes, even if they’re upset, it can psychologically just help them feel that connection. And then you’re going to verbalize and empathize.

 

00;29;23;28 – 00;29;43;23

Dr. Mona

I see that you really want me to pick you up right now. It’s time for sleep. I will be back in ten minutes. Like I said, with the boundaries with Gina on the episode and number three. And of course, we had a lot of things that we talked about, but don’t fear the tears. So we tend to get so upset when our children cry rightfully so.

 

00;29;43;26 – 00;30;11;22

Dr. Mona

As I mentioned, it’s human nature. We don’t want to hear our child cry. We don’t want to have them be upset. But when they’re creating new boundaries, sometimes our children will not be okay with a new boundary. But that doesn’t mean that they don’t love you. So don’t fear the tears. In this situation, we are trying to teach with repetition, with consistency that they are safe, that their crib is a safe space, that they will see mommy or daddy or whoever caregiver is coming in the morning and that they are going to be fine and get their rest.

 

00;30;11;25 – 00;30;36;06

Dr. Mona

But it takes consistency and it also takes us understanding that they can be upset, but that we will check in, we will verbalize, we will empathize with them, and they will reach the outcome we want, which in this situation is sleeping on their own. Again, thank you for tuning in today. As always, if you enjoyed the episode and the new format of Monday mornings with Doctor Mona, make sure to leave a review or rating whenever you can.

 

00;30;36;08 – 00;30;44;03

Dr. Mona

Share this episode on your Instagram Stories or on your social media. Some more people can discover this podcast and I will talk to you next week.