In this episode I am talking to Leah, the mom of 18 month old Isla. Leah is struggling to find a way to stop Isla from scratching, hitting, and kicking.

In this episode we will be talking about different approaches to make an 18 month old understand not to hurt.

In this new format of Monday Mornings with Dr Mona that began June 2022, I end each episode with three parenting principles. These principles can be used in various parenting situations, but I explain how the three principles I chose apply to physical tantrums.

00;00;00;12 – 00;00;18;16

Dr. Mona

But then what happens is when they become a toddler, they start doing those behaviors out of aggression, like they’re upset. So then they scratch and kick and, okay, we don’t want them to do that when they’re upset. We are okay with them being upset because that’s okay to be upset, but it’s not okay to hit, to scratch, to kick the pool.

 

00;00;18;17 – 00;00;52;18

Dr. Mona

And that’s what we’re trying to teach our kids with these boundaries in the moment. Hello, everyone, and welcome back to the PedsDocTalk Podcast. A podcast that keeps growing because of you and your review. So please don’t stop leaving those reviews. We are at 985 reviews and it means so much to me. So thank you so much for tuning in and continuing to return on this episode of Monday Mornings with Doctor Mona, I am talking with Leah about her 18 month old daughter, Isla, who is in a scratching, hitting and kicking phase.

 

00;00;52;22 – 00;00;58;27

Dr. Mona

Let’s get into the conversation. Hey Leah, so tell me what is on your mind today as a mom?

 

00;00;59;00 – 00;01;23;16

Leah

Hi doctor. Mona, thank you so much for having me. I have been dealing a lot lately with my daughter’s tantrums kind of escalating and evolving from the laying on the floor, you know, and crying that she was doing, you know, around 12 months and on to involving more aggressive behavior that we’re just having a little bit of trouble navigating.

 

00;01;23;18 – 00;01;51;29

Dr. Mona

And this is stuff that is really important to talk about because one, many times parents feel like the tantrums start at two. But you just said like at one, you started noticing some changes and you’re like, we’re starting to see the tantrums early. I actually love talking about tantrums as early as nine months, because it’s the basic principles that will go over that can really help you as you go through this really critical phase that I think is now this 18 month old that you have, that really we tend to talk more about the later years, but it’s so important.

 

00;01;51;29 – 00;02;05;15

Dr. Mona

So I’m so glad that we could connect today. What have you tried so far? Again, I know there’s some scratching, hitting and kicking when you talk about more physical behaviors. What have you done either in the moment after the moment as of now?

 

00;02;05;17 – 00;02;34;11

Leah

So right now we’ve been trying to acknowledge the feeling. So I see that you’re angry. It’s okay to be angry, but it’s not okay to hurt mama. I have tried repeating that and then maybe getting to a point. One of the things she really likes to do is grab my hair with both of our hands and, like, kind of pull me down with her, and I try to keep that nice, calm voice while trying to untangle her hands from my hair.

 

00;02;34;11 – 00;02;57;06

Leah

And in the moment, it does not feel like she’s registering, and I totally get that. She’s only 18 months old, so I’m not sure like how effective it is. And if I’m meeting her at her level at other times when she’s like really kicking or hitting, if I do, you’re having trouble controlling your body. I’m going to keep you from hurting mama.

 

00;02;57;08 – 00;03;07;21

Leah

And it’s almost like she does it more. And so the restraining doesn’t like necessarily feel right either. Yeah. So that’s basically that what we’ve been doing so far.

 

00;03;07;23 – 00;03;26;01

Dr. Mona

Oh this is a very typical common 18 month old toddler thing. So again I’m just so glad that we can talk about this. I’m I’m getting a little bit excited because I just love helping people through these kind of things. So we’re going to get her to a point where she’s not going to be doing these things. My own son did the same stuff and we got him through the phase.

 

00;03;26;01 – 00;03;26;12

Dr. Mona

Okay.

 

00;03;26;18 – 00;03;28;11

Leah

Oh, that’s great to hear because I.

 

00;03;28;12 – 00;03;30;08

Dr. Mona

Know I want you to know that.

 

00;03;30;11 – 00;03;37;27

Leah

Like, everyone’s like the terrible twos. The terrible twos. And I’ve been like, oh, well, we’re kind of like dealing with that now. So, absolutely.

 

00;03;37;27 – 00;03;55;24

Dr. Mona

We actually went through everything like that. People talk about that happened at two. We did everything in that first year, 1 to 2. And I know this from just my patients that I have and the families I talk to that 100%. Now, you already said it perfectly. An 18 month old does not have the cognitive ability of a two and a half year old.

 

00;03;55;28 – 00;04;15;04

Dr. Mona

But that being said, I still love what you’re doing because even if they don’t truly register like you’re saying, like the registration of the oh yeah, well, okay, I shouldn’t be doing this. It’s the repetition of the boundary that is so vital. The younger they are now, repetition is going to be important for a two and a half year old as well.

 

00;04;15;04 – 00;04;33;17

Dr. Mona

Right. But for a two and a half year old, there’s going to be more cognitive awareness where you can explain to him or her, you know that, hey, this is why we do this. This is what’s happening. But even that the cause and effect of what you’re doing in the moment is so vital at any age, especially when they’re younger.

 

00;04;33;24 – 00;04;58;03

Dr. Mona

So I give the example of this, right, like your child is pulling your hair. So you are doing a great job of avoiding the big reaction, right? My own son would slap my husband in the face, like playfully, okay, like it was playfully. But even a playful slap, a playful hair pull, a playful physical aggression, right? We want to make sure this toddler understands that they’re trying to learn about their surroundings, right?

 

00;04;58;03 – 00;05;13;06

Dr. Mona

But that this is not what we do for affection or attention, because you are going to see that they’re going to do it more and more. Like in the moment. She’s probably going to continue doing it more and more because she got your attention right. Like, just say you she pulled your hair and you said, Ila, no. Oh.

 

00;05;13;06 – 00;05;31;19

Dr. Mona

She’s like, oh, mommy just gave me a stern look. Let me just do it again. So she’s going to continue to test the moment, right? You know what to do. You’re going to continue to hold the boundary. Ila, we are not pulling mommy’s here or gently moving her hand from that, but avoiding the big like no, stop.

 

00;05;31;22 – 00;05;54;05

Dr. Mona

No. Right. Because when you do no’s or stop, what you just did is your facial expression is also changing and they’re like oh I just got mommy’s attention. So I just got mommy’s attention by pulling her hair. Let me just see what happens if I keep pulling her hair. Right. So you’re going to be in that state that says, okay, I’m not going to allow this pulling that is the boundary that I’m creating, and I’m going to be very calm with the follow through.

 

00;05;54;05 – 00;06;16;07

Dr. Mona

Now, what happens if she continues to pull? You are going to continue to say to her, Ila, no pulling, we can’t pull mommy’s hair. And again, matter of fact conversation not stop it. No, I said no. How many times? We’re not going to do that. I know you’re not doing that, but I want to for everyone listening. I want to make sure that if we’re doing that, we want to make sure that you are very matter of fact, we do not pull.

 

00;06;16;07 – 00;06;30;26

Dr. Mona

Mommy’s here. If you pull mommy’s here, I have to take you away from mommy. And that means that you may have to move her off of you or move her next to you. And if she keeps continuing to grab like you said, then you’re going to give her a big hug and what you were saying you were doing.

 

00;06;30;29 – 00;06;49;09

Dr. Mona

And sometimes it means right. Letting her feel upset with her not having access to your hair, right? Because just say a kid keeps trying to attack you. Like I’m giving example, like my son went through a pinching phase. Okay? And so I’ll say no. And he’ll keep trying to pinch me. And I’m like, I’m moving away, Ryan, you can’t pinch mama, right?

 

00;06;49;15 – 00;07;07;12

Dr. Mona

And then, you know, he’ll try to come back and try to pinch me and I’ll physically remove myself and I’ll hold his hands down and he gets upset. But you have to understand that her being upset with you holding her or not allowing access to your hair, you’re teaching the boundary that I’m not letting you get near my hair to pull it.

 

00;07;07;15 – 00;07;26;25

Dr. Mona

And then the next key is giving them room for when can they touch your hair? When can they play with your hair? Just say she’s caressing your hair on a separate occasion, right? Like I’m talking like you’re sitting and she’s brushing your hair. You can use those opportunities to tell her, Ila, thank you so much for brushing. Mommy’s here.

 

00;07;26;25 – 00;07;45;17

Dr. Mona

That is a nice, gentle touch for mommy’s hair. So you wouldn’t have now allowed the boundary to be created in the moment where you are not allowing her access to your hair to pull because she’s been pulling it. But when she does show niceties right? Caressing it, brushing it, just giving examples you are highlighting. Oh yeah, this is what you do with hair.

 

00;07;45;17 – 00;08;00;25

Dr. Mona

You don’t pull hair, you touch it nicely. And even when you’re like to see your brushing your hair, verbalize and say, mommy’s brushing your hair. This is how we touch hair so that they get in their head that this is what I’m supposed to be doing with hair. I’m not allowed to pull it. I’m not allowed to be aggressive with it.

 

00;08;01;02 – 00;08;04;14

Dr. Mona

But they don’t understand that at 18 months, unless they get that repetition.

 

00;08;04;17 – 00;08;06;10

Leah

Right. Okay.

 

00;08;06;13 – 00;08;26;22

Dr. Mona

And the same thing goes with like scratching and kicking, which is why this all you know, I’m happy that you’re talking about it, because again, the scratching and kicking and pulling as an entity is not a bad behavior in that they’re learning. Right. So kids are going to maybe scratch their coloring. They may scratch on a piece of paper, they may kick a ball, they may pull something.

 

00;08;26;25 – 00;08;46;13

Dr. Mona

So we have to understand that these gestures are actually very normal human gestures that we do. But we have to understand they can’t be done on hair. They can’t be done when we’re upset. Right. Those are the two boundaries that we’re trying to teach. Right? When is it okay to touch someone’s hair, which generally we shouldn’t get to consent to touch someone’s hair?

 

00;08;46;13 – 00;09;04;06

Dr. Mona

You know, it’s a physical thing, right? But also like using your example of kicking. Right? Kicking is a very, very common thing that they’ll do. And when she is kicking you, we have to be in the moment like you’re doing, like I. I can’t have you kick me. I see that you’re frustrated, but I can’t have you kick me.

 

00;09;04;11 – 00;09;27;29

Dr. Mona

And then she keeps kicking. I’m going to hold you and give you a big hug. And it’s okay to be upset, but we can’t kick. And then when there is another moment, like, just say she calms down and you all go outside and play with a ball, or you guys go somewhere else in the living room and there is something that is able to be kicked right, like a ball is the only thing that honestly is kickable like you say, Ella, you’re kicking the ball very good.

 

00;09;27;29 – 00;09;47;07

Dr. Mona

We kick the ball. We do not kick mommy, right? But you can’t teach a child these things the right things in the moment of aggression. Right in the moment of aggression. You can’t be like Ella. No, no, no, don’t kick me. Kick this ball right. That’s going to be confusing to them. They’re angry. Right? But in the moment we have to hold firm and follow through with the boundary.

 

00;09;47;07 – 00;10;04;27

Dr. Mona

And when I say follow through, that means that we can’t just say, okay, fine, just you’re not going to let her pull your hair, right? There’s no opportunity. So it may mean allowing her to be upset for a little bit while you hold your boundary. And that may mean sitting across of her on the ground. And she’s crying in a ball.

 

00;10;04;27 – 00;10;28;24

Dr. Mona

But you are not leaving the room. You’re not leaving her alone. You are just sitting with her and saying, I know. I see that you’re really upset because you want to pull, mommy’s here, but I can’t let you pull mommy’s here. That’s it. No explanation of why hair can’t be pulled in that moment. No explanation of like, okay, but kick this ball in the moment when they’re upset, all we can do is verbalize what we’re seeing and hold true at the boundary and keep that repetition going.

 

00;10;28;27 – 00;10;51;26

Dr. Mona

And it’s not going to be an overnight thing that one day she’s just going to stop doing it. It’s going to take time, but it’s not allowing that to happen. And pinching, hitting, scratching, pulling. And I bring it up to the listeners who may have a younger child who’s nine months, because maybe they do it out of love when Ryan was an infant, he would pull my hair or take off my glasses, but that was a lovey thing, right?

 

00;10;51;26 – 00;11;14;08

Dr. Mona

He wasn’t being aggressive. He was doing it out of like, exploration. Right. But then what happens is when they become a toddler, they start doing those behaviors out of aggression, like they’re upset. So then they scratch and kick and, okay, we don’t want them to do that. When they’re upset. We are okay with them being upset because that’s okay to be upset, but it’s not okay to hit, to scratch, to kick, to pull.

 

00;11;14;09 – 00;11;17;27

Dr. Mona

And that’s what we’re trying to teach our kids with these boundaries in the moment.

 

00;11;17;29 – 00;11;42;10

Leah

Right? Oh my God, that’s also helpful. I can think of so many instances where those steps I think I was definitely missing, but allowing her to be upset, I think that is going to be really helpful. I do have one follow up question about an instance that things like this are happening a lot when we’re putting her in her car seat yet, which becomes more difficult because we’re in a limited space.

 

00;11;42;10 – 00;12;04;02

Leah

Yes, often we have to get somewhere. That’s why we’re getting in the car, obviously, and that has been hard for me to figure out as she fights back harder because it’s like, okay, I have to put her in. I’m trying to meet her where she’s at, but she doesn’t seem to be allowing us to get any further than where we’re at right now, if that makes sense.

 

00;12;04;04 – 00;12;27;09

Dr. Mona

Yes. And so the tight space obviously makes everything more chaotic, let’s be honest. Like so let’s first recognize that right? Like what feelings come up in your brain when she’s fighting you for that moment? Like, are you worried about her? Are you frustrated because you’re like, dude, like just get in the car seat. Like, tell me the emotion you’re feeling because this is, I love asking this question because it really helps me from a psychological perspective, like help you out when I understand your frustration.

 

00;12;27;09 – 00;12;47;29

Leah

Yeah, I think I am very frustrated. And then I’m also stressed because I’m worried that in my frustration or in her, like fighting back, I’m not going to be able to secure the car seat in the way that I should be. Like, oh no, what if I noticed that a strap when I’m driving falls down her shoulder because I wasn’t able to get it just right, just trying to get her in the car.

 

00;12;47;29 – 00;12;54;17

Leah

So I think it’s both really frustrated. But then also that like stress, like, oh, I have to get this right.

 

00;12;54;20 – 00;13;10;04

Dr. Mona

Well, in all of these situations, right, we have to do something that needs to happen. Right. So in this situation, you’re trying to get your child in the car seat. You want to make sure that she’s going to go in and there’s no negotiating. Like there’s no like do you want to go in like you are making it a statement, right, Eli?

 

00;13;10;05 – 00;13;33;19

Dr. Mona

We’re going in the car seat. So there’s no like, do you want to I hope that’s not happening. But that’s not going to happen. And then you’re going to put her in the car seat and she may start to go like like a stiff as a board. So you want to basically tickle her feet, tickle her belly so that she relaxes her body so that you can get her in to that scoop position so that she’s now sitting because, yeah, when she’s stiff as a board, you got to tickle or you got to loosen up the muscles a little bit.

 

00;13;33;24 – 00;13;51;13

Dr. Mona

And sometimes that means the feet or the belly, okay. Or the back where you’re really trying to get her in that way. And then once she’s in, she may not like it, but remember, you are saying we have to go in the car seat. I see that you don’t love it. And then if she starts to kick and hit you right in the process, obviously you can’t do things simultaneously, correct.

 

00;13;51;13 – 00;14;08;00

Dr. Mona

You can’t strap her in and at the same time hold her hands down like it’s not always going to be easy. So you just have to get the job done and, you know, get her arm under. You’re not going to be able to do the whole, like, okay, like, let me hold your arms down. Did it. Because you’re doing you’re trying to get in the car seat, right, right.

 

00;14;08;02 – 00;14;24;02

Dr. Mona

The priority is getting her safely into the car seat. So you are going to put her in the arms, are going to get strapped in. If she’s kicking and kicking, you can gently, like, touch her legs. But the priority is getting her in the seat first. And then once she’s in the seat, she’s strapped in. You make sure everything’s level, whatever you’re going to be.

 

00;14;24;02 – 00;14;38;26

Dr. Mona

Okay? Okay? Like, don’t worry about not being safe enough. Like you are going to put the straps. You know how to make sure that the chest clip is at the right level. Make sure that okay, if you need to unstrap or, you know, twist untwist some of the straps and do that. But you’re doing all the right things.

 

00;14;39;01 – 00;14;53;26

Dr. Mona

But yeah, in that moment you’re not going to be able to say like, okay, sweetie, like, you know, we don’t pull hair, we don’t do this. Like, you’re going to just move the hair. She starts grabbing your hair. You’re going to get the job done, which is what needs to get done at that moment. And then that’s the scenario with the car seat.

 

00;14;53;29 – 00;15;01;00

Leah

That is so helpful. I don’t know how I never thought to like, tickle her or to get her to loosen or anything like that.

 

00;15;01;18 – 00;15;02;09

Dr. Mona

That’s been a.

 

00;15;02;09 – 00;15;05;20

Leah

Major struggle with this so far. So that is also great.

 

00;15;05;22 – 00;15;17;11

Dr. Mona

And all of this like, right. Like you’re talking about like the desire to not want to do something and then also, you know, this can come with like a little bit of the aggression. Does she ever start kicking in the car seat?

 

00;15;17;13 – 00;15;18;16

Leah

Yes. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

 

00;15;18;18 – 00;15;34;18

Dr. Mona

That’s why you brought up. Yeah. So remember, so with the kicking, you’re having to carry a kicking child, which means you have to obviously on a podcast, you’re going to have to hold their legs while you poop them and put them into the car seat, tickled the toes or the again, the belly and make it kind of fun, right?

 

00;15;34;18 – 00;15;49;23

Dr. Mona

Like meaning you’re not making it fun that she’s upset, but you’d be like, I see, I, I know, honey, we’re going to get you in the seat and oh, mommy’s going to give you a little tickle here and a little tickle here. Like you’re just making it more of a jovial thing that I see that you’re upset, but we’re going to get you in like it’s not.

 

00;15;49;23 – 00;16;03;29

Dr. Mona

You know, she’s done this before. This is not harming her. Like, this is not harming you. Like she needs to get in the seat. And then again, with the kicking, you are going to get kicked. Okay? Little like, let’s just call spade. Spade. You’re going to get kicked because of the dynamics of trying to put a kid into the car seat.

 

00;16;04;04 – 00;16;22;01

Dr. Mona

So now is not going to be the time to be like disciplining her about the no kicks. We you know, we don’t kick because you’re trying to do something else at the same time, right? Like the kicking I’m talking about. More like if she’s trying to kick you, like she came over and just kicked you in your face or kicked you when you set a boundary, or she’s just upset with you.

 

00;16;22;03 – 00;16;38;02

Dr. Mona

But the car seat situation is slightly different because just from the physical dynamics of everything, like they’re going to just kick. So you can’t do the whole, okay, let me hold your legs down. And if you keep kicking me because you need to use that moment to get her in the seat like that is the priority, you know?

 

00;16;38;04 – 00;16;39;01

Dr. Mona

Yeah.

 

00;16;39;03 – 00;16;54;18

Leah

Yeah. Oh, that’s also helpful because I think that a lot of the time I’m trying to be like, okay, I have to validate her feelings. I have to, you know, check all these other boxes. But sometimes, you know, you gotta sacrifice to get the job done.

 

00;16;54;21 – 00;17;10;25

Dr. Mona

So I’m very big on validation, like, I that’s what we do with our son. We we do a lot of validation. We do a lot of empathizing and a lot of, verbalizing. So validation is also the verbalization of what you’re seeing, he or she, your child go through. Right. So I, I see that you really don’t want to go into this car seat, right?

 

00;17;10;25 – 00;17;33;29

Dr. Mona

So you’re verbalizing what you’re seeing and I see that you’re frustrated. I see this, I see that this, you know, I see it, but we’re not allowed to do this, right. That is when it comes very important to say I see what you’re feeling and what you are doing, but we are not allowed to do that. And holding very true to that boundary and the calm follow through of, okay, you’re not allowed to pull my hair and I’m going to follow through with that.

 

00;17;34;01 – 00;17;53;09

Dr. Mona

And I think the misconception people have with verbalizing and empathizing, they think a lot of times, and I see this on social media, they think that that is going to make the child calm down. No, the child’s job is for them to have their feelings, and our job is for us to be very consistent with the boundary and not getting roped in with any of the emotional stuff that they do.

 

00;17;53;09 – 00;18;11;16

Dr. Mona

So if they start being upset, you’re obviously not going to allow them to start hitting you again. Correct? You’re not going to allow them to start kicking you again. They may not like your boundary, which in this situation is no hitting, no kicking, no pulling. But with that, it may come a little bit of being upset and that being upset doesn’t mean that they’re not going to love you, right?

 

00;18;11;16 – 00;18;28;09

Dr. Mona

You have to go in the car seat. Correct. You held the boundary. You’re teaching them that pulling and hitting and kicking bodies and hair is not allowed. That is useful, right? So when you look at it from that mindset that what I’m teaching my child here is a useful thing, it’s okay if they’re upset, right? It’s okay and it’s okay.

 

00;18;28;09 – 00;18;42;12

Dr. Mona

Like when they’re just say you’re sitting on the ground as an example of she pulled your hair and now you both are sitting on the ground and she’s in a ball crying. You set the boundary. She didn’t like it. You can sit with her and say, I like. I see that you really don’t like that you can’t pull.

 

00;18;42;12 – 00;18;56;21

Dr. Mona

Mommy’s here. I’m here if you need it. I’m here if you need me. If you want a hug like I’m right here, then we can hug. But we can’t pull in that moment when she’s upset. Right? You have now set the boundary that you are not allowed to pull my hair. But she’s allowed to have connection with you in other ways.

 

00;18;56;21 – 00;19;13;21

Dr. Mona

Which means a hug, which means love. Right? And so you’re teaching her in that moment that you can be upset. And I would sometimes just sit with my son, right? Like I would sit with him. He would just cry because he didn’t like that. I wouldn’t allow him to pinch me. And I would just repeat, I’m here if you need me, but you can hug mommy.

 

00;19;13;24 – 00;19;31;10

Dr. Mona

You can’t pinch mommy, you can hug mommy, you can’t pull her hair, right? And then they may come crawling to you or walking to you. But that is how you can do this if you don’t implore timeouts, right? If you don’t implore, you know, these kind of things because you’re allowing them the space, right, to be upset, but you’re also giving them the connection.

 

00;19;31;10 – 00;19;48;24

Dr. Mona

And when they do come to you, they may be like, no, I let me be like, no, mama, no, no. If she says words, she might be like, no, you just say and be there with the feeling. I think one thing that I think is really happening is that when I hear parenting advice is, you know, we’re being okay with all the feelings, but we’re not truly being okay with the feelings.

 

00;19;48;24 – 00;20;05;05

Dr. Mona

Like we’re not truly being okay with them being upset after a boundary is being set because we think that, oh, then they’re mad at me. No, they just didn’t like that they can’t pull hair. It doesn’t mean that they don’t love us, right? They they just are not understanding that this is a new rule that we’re not allowed to do.

 

00;20;05;05 – 00;20;24;19

Dr. Mona

And with the repetition and time, they’re going to understand that. Yep. Pulling hair is not okay with my mommy hitting my mommy is not okay. Pinching my mommy is not okay. Kicking her is not okay. Right? But I really hope that this can help kind of just reframe how we are envisioning the moment. Right? Because in the moment, it’s really hard when they’re doing that.

 

00;20;24;19 – 00;20;47;11

Dr. Mona

And an 18 month old is more cause and effect, right? No hitting. We move on. Right? They’re not going to understand so much as a 24 month old or 30 month old of why why wise. But I still believe, like I said earlier, I still believe that it’s useful for our mindset. Right? Because when you explain, it also helps you calm down so that you don’t react, that you don’t have that big reaction.

 

00;20;47;16 – 00;21;01;14

Dr. Mona

Because I think that big reaction subconsciously happens sometimes, right? Like, who wants to be hit in the face by a child? Like, let’s be honest. So then all of a sudden you’re like, oh, again, your face gets stressed, right? I mean, we’ve all been there, but you want to make sure that you understand, like, okay, this was not personal.

 

00;21;01;20 – 00;21;08;17

Dr. Mona

This was not anything that like, my child’s a bad kid. My child just is not understanding. And I’m going to teach them, you know, in this moment.

 

00;21;08;20 – 00;21;31;23

Leah

Yeah. And, you know, I think it’s also, like you said, not just helpful for the mindset, but also the practice. One thing I was worried about was if I broke what I was trying to do, that I’d get into a pattern where I’m, you know, disciplining in a way that I don’t like for when she’s over. So I think the repetition also is just helpful for my husband and myself as well.

 

00;21;31;23 – 00;21;36;08

Leah

So thank you so much for these strategies. I’m almost excited for her to pull my hair again.

 

00;21;36;09 – 00;21;57;09

Dr. Mona

Yes, I love her. Like, let’s do this. Yeah. And and let me be honest, the final outcome is you have to make sure that anyone who is involved with your child understands that the reaction is huge. Like what we do in that moment, like how we react is going to be extremely important. And what I mean by that is we do not want to react with a big reaction.

 

00;21;57;13 – 00;22;23;23

Dr. Mona

So watch the big reaction like so. For example, if your partner is more likely to be like I’ll stop, right? She is likely going to pull and hit that person more because she’s like, oh, this is a game. Like this is a reaction I’m getting, right? So everyone has to kind of be like, I know it’s hard. I’ve said it earlier, like it’s not easy when our child physically hurts us, but even though they’re aggressive, they’re not doing it out of like being, again, a bad quote unquote kid.

 

00;22;23;23 – 00;22;39;13

Dr. Mona

There’s no such they’re literally just trying to figure out, well, if I pull what’s going to happen if I throw what’s going to happen if I do this, what’s going to happen? They are very much cause and effect in this age. And you are going to I love it. You’re going to be like, okay, let’s do this and you’re going to be super calm, as calm as you can.

 

00;22;39;19 – 00;22;56;00

Dr. Mona

I understand that it’s not perfect. It’s hard not to change your facial expression when your child pulls your hair, but you are going to be very matter of fact about it too. I love and again, you may make the face, but once she pulls it, I love. We don’t pull mommy’s hair. And if she does it again, right, Ila?

 

00;22;56;00 – 00;23;09;20

Dr. Mona

We don’t pull hair. If you pull mommy’s hair again, I have to take you off my lap right? And then if she keeps trying to pull your hair off the lap, she goes. And if she starts crying and starts running to you, you can be like, Ila, you can’t pull my hair. But if you want to hug, I’m here.

 

00;23;09;24 – 00;23;23;25

Dr. Mona

And if she keeps trying to pull the hair, you have to physically remove yourself and just sit with her. And she may sit and cry in that ball like I mentioned, but you are going to give her space and give her feelings and allow it, and then keep reiterating, I’m here if you need me, I’m here if you need me.

 

00;23;24;00 – 00;23;40;17

Dr. Mona

But you can let them just kind of be in that moment, and then she’ll understand the fact that you’re not leaving the room, that you’re okay with her crying, but that you’re not okay with the behavior. Perfect. And I love it. I can’t wait to hear how it goes. And remember that this is not going to be like tomorrow.

 

00;23;40;17 – 00;23;54;19

Dr. Mona

She’s going to stop pulling. But I do feel like pulling is one of those things that if you can do these tips and tricks for at least a week consistently, I think you’re going to see that there’s going to be a huge reduction in the pulling every phase that we’ve gone through with any sort of pinching, pulling, hitting all of that.

 

00;23;54;19 – 00;24;09;19

Dr. Mona

It’s this week of consistency, and it may be that you have to do it again when she turns 30 months, that she does another physical behavior that is new that you’ve never seen before. Right? And you’re going to do the same principles then. And I’m excited. I love that you’re excited to that you’re going to put these strategies into use.

 

00;24;09;26 – 00;24;24;05

Leah

Oh, totally, I really am. I’m not even exaggerating. So thank you so much. I also just feel so much more confident coming up against something like that. You know, it’s been so often lately. So yeah, I feel much more armed with tools. So love.

 

00;24;24;05 – 00;24;30;06

Dr. Mona

It. So what would you say would be like the biggest take home for you that maybe you guys can start using like tonight or today.

 

00;24;30;08 – 00;24;45;26

Leah

Yeah. So I think there’s two things for sure. For me, I feel like I am pretty good with the non reaction, but I have when she gets upset. I haven’t really known what to do from there. So I think moving myself away from her and sitting with her and allowing her to feel that way is big for me.

 

00;24;45;26 – 00;25;07;09

Leah

And then I think for my husband, I’ll want to tell him, you know, that the tone of voice needs to be matter of fact because he tries very hard. But he has said to me lately, you know, when I say her name like Ella, she stops and listens and I’m like, But still. So I think that’s going to be huge for me to take home to him.

 

00;25;07;29 – 00;25;11;06

Leah

You know, the matter of fact, tone of voice is really important.

 

00;25;11;09 – 00;25;25;15

Dr. Mona

Yeah. And it’s that matter of fact where we are saying what it is and not saying, okay, at the end. Right? Like, we’re not we’re not supposed to pull hair, okay? It’s going to be like, we don’t pull hair, right? There’s that difference. Right? Like the tone was the same, right? We don’t pull hair, okay? We don’t pull hair.

 

00;25;25;20 – 00;25;42;15

Dr. Mona

That difference is going to be extremely so that it’s not like a question. It’s like, no, not pull hair like we do not pull hair. If you pull my hair, I’m going to do this right. And that can really help in that long run because then that’s again boundary setting where there’s no question it’s what me and my partner have decided.

 

00;25;42;15 – 00;25;55;05

Dr. Mona

And you and you know, what you guys do is so important. And being very consistent, I love it. I think you’re going to see some changes and, I can’t wait for her to pull what needs to be pulled, but. And when it should be kicked. But not your hair and not your body.

 

00;25;55;08 – 00;25;57;10

Leah

Yes, yes. Wonderful. Well, thank.

 

00;25;57;11 – 00;26;00;25

Dr. Mona

Awesome. Thank you. Thank you so much for chatting with me today.

 

00;26;00;28 – 00;26;02;01

Leah

Of course.

 

00;26;02;04 – 00;26;20;16

Dr. Mona

Leah and I went over some amazing concepts that I want to tie up for you to wrap up this episode and remember, as I do on all of these Monday mornings with Doctor Mona segments, I am going over three principles that I think can really encompass what we talked about. And these same principles can be used in various different parenting scenarios.

 

00;26;20;21 – 00;26;39;26

Dr. Mona

Number one, avoid the big reaction when they pull our hair or hit us or kick us. I’m going to be honest, it’s really hard not to get upset. Get reactive right? Our facial expressions, we say no, we have that big reaction, but that reaction gets them attention. They do a lot of this as trial and error to figure out, well, if I do this, what will happen.

 

00;26;40;03 – 00;26;58;27

Dr. Mona

But they also do a lot of these actions to get our attention. And a big reaction is attention. So it’s as much as you can. I want you to control your response. This is a whole part of mindful parenting, but it really takes a lot in our core to just make it matter of fact, make it that this is not affecting you.

 

00;26;59;05 – 00;27;20;02

Dr. Mona

It happened and we are moving forward. Which brings me to number two, speaking as matter of fact, rather than asking a question. So when you’re trying to set a boundary rather than saying you can’t pull mommy’s hair, okay, that makes it seem like there’s some leeway here that they can pull. Mommy’s here. You want to say we don’t pull mommy’s here versus we don’t pull mommy’s hair?

 

00;27;20;03 – 00;27;47;09

Dr. Mona

Okay? Even though you notice that my tone is the same when you educate, it makes it seem like it’s negotiable. No, pulling hair is not negotiable. It’s very important to speak as matter of fact as possible in various situations, especially when boundary setting and number three really important here highlighting the right, especially in situations where they are pulling, scratching, kicking because some of those behaviors are actually very normal and normal behavior.

 

00;27;47;09 – 00;28;05;19

Dr. Mona

You can, you know, brush your hair, you can pull certain things, you can kick a ball. Sometimes in art you may have to do some scratching. So we want to really highlight it when they’re doing the right thing. So when they are touching your hair nicely, obviously highlighting right when they are pulling on a toy or like a rope, great job pulling the rope.

 

00;28;05;24 – 00;28;22;16

Dr. Mona

You’re pulling the rope, but you’re not pulling mommy’s hair, right? Like where it has to be when they’re calm. You cannot teach them these things when they’re in the moment of pulling your hair or kicking when they’re kicking you. We need to set the boundary and move them away and do the little things that we mentioned. But if you’re outside playing with the ball, great job kicking the ball.

 

00;28;22;17 – 00;28;45;18

Dr. Mona

The more they hear in their brain the positive things that they’re doing with the actions, the more they’re going to understand that, yes, I kick the ball. I do not kick a human being. So highlight the rake. Thank you so much for joining me on this episode of Monday Mornings with Doctor Mona. As always, if you love the new format, if you love this podcast, make sure you leave a review or rating because that is how more people discover this podcast.

 

00;28;45;20 – 00;28;48;04

Dr. Mona

Thank you so much and I will talk to you next week.