Do you ever feel like you’re constantly complaining as a mom? Do you ever get caught in that cycle of negativity? I talk with Vera about undoing that cycle of negativity and why we may find ourselves complaining so much as mothers.

We discuss:

• Why motherhood may turn us into complainers
• Strategies to create more space and boundaries in our lives
• How to effectively reframe negative situations
• How to break the cycle of negativity that leads us to feel like we’re constantly complaining

00;00;00;00 – 00;00;16;20

Dr. Mona

We all go through really hard times, but it’s up to us and it’s a hard truth to like, really take ownership of the situation and say, I don’t like the way this makes me feel, but I really need to dig a little deeper and find out why is it that I feel this way, you know, what is it that makes me angry?

 

00;00;16;20 – 00;00;35;28

Dr. Mona

Why am I angry? Why am I complaining? Is it that I need more space? Am I spreading myself too thin? Can I cut back on these things that are spreading myself too thin? And if I can’t because of whatever reason, I get that I can’t. Sometimes saying to myself, this is my reality right now, but I need to create a two year plan to create more space in my life.

 

00;00;35;28 – 00;01;04;10

Dr. Mona

I need to create a six month plan. Hello everyone and welcome back to the PedsDocTalk Podcast, a podcast that continues to grow because of you, your reviews, your shares on social media. So thank you for all of your support. It means so much to me. I am so excited about this episode of Monday Mornings with Doctor Mona, because I get to talk about a topic that doesn’t directly relate to parenting, but is so important.

 

00;01;04;10 – 00;01;24;21

Dr. Mona

It’s about our mindset as moms. And I talked to Vera, who is a mother of a two and a half year old girl, and she is struggling with her feelings of constantly complaining. As a mother, we go over why this happens, why we get into that cycle of negativity and if there is a way to get out of it.

 

00;01;24;23 – 00;01;31;14

Dr. Mona

Hey Vera, thank you so much for joining me today on the podcast. Tell me what is on your mind today as a mom.

 

00;01;31;16 – 00;01;49;24

Vera

Hi, Dr. Mona. Thanks for having me. One thing that I wanted to talk about was I complain a lot. I find myself complaining about everything I question Mark, and it’s kind of like become, I would say maybe my personality. So complaining about everything.

 

00;01;50;13 – 00;02;01;27

Dr. Mona

I mean, I think this is everybody right now. I feel like as moms, especially many of us, can feel the same way. Do you feel like you were always somewhat of a complainer? I’m fine using that terminology. Or do you think it started more motherhood?

 

00;02;01;29 – 00;02;31;13

Vera

Yeah, I think that the way that I would probably describe myself pre kids is incredibly pragmatic, so realistic about things never leaning towards like the positive side. So I can definitely tended to be a bit more negative. But as I entered motherhood, I just flexed more or indexed more on the negative side. And then I also found myself like externalizing that a lot more like complaining to myself, but then complaining to anyone who would willingly listen to me.

 

00;02;32;12 – 00;02;47;22

Dr. Mona

And do you feel like that second comment you said that whoever’s willing to listen, do you feel like the complaining has affected any relationships like with your partner or with other people? Like do you feel like people feel and have told you that you complain a lot or is it something just you feel that you’re doing?

 

00;02;47;24 – 00;03;05;25

Vera

Yeah. No one said it to me. I always think that, like with anxiety, it’s like you’re not doing anything until someone tells you it’s you’re doing it wrong. So it’s very much personal. I just catch myself doing it much more than I think I did previously. And that’s also just not the type of like person I want to reflect back to my child.

 

00;03;05;25 – 00;03;17;20

Vera

Right. That’s what I like to be concerned about, is like, I don’t want her to see this growing up and think like, my mom’s a complainer. She leans towards the negative and oftentimes those complaints are about me.

 

00;03;17;22 – 00;03;35;08

Dr. Mona

Okay, well, I am just so grateful that you are on this episode to talk about this because again, I talk about parenting things and I talk about development at it. But this is actually really important to our children, right? Like this mindset of how we view the world. And it’s not about being positive and not being realistic.

 

00;03;35;08 – 00;03;52;16

Dr. Mona

Right? I think there’s a misconception that if you are a positive person that you are, your head’s in the clouds and that you don’t understand the reality of situation. And I’m saying this as someone who’s married to someone who is more pragmatic and then has ended up being more negative, and my husband, and then I lean into more optimism.

 

00;03;52;23 – 00;04;08;11

Dr. Mona

That’s not to say that I don’t have, like, you know, moments that I’m like, this is not going great. Or I complained at it up. But, yeah, I think this is such a great conversation because you also are recognizing that you don’t want to, you know, be approaching parenthood with this sort of lens, and maybe just find a middle ground.

 

00;04;08;11 – 00;04;35;04

Dr. Mona

Right. It’s not about like having to go flip to the other side, but it’s about saying, you know what? I’m noticing something in myself and I want to change it. And I think that’s one of the biggest things that we can do as mothers, as fathers, as caregivers, is noticing the things that don’t make us feel so great and changing it so that your child also sees that, wow, my mom is changing and wants to be a better person, and that motherhood is a phase of self-growth and you are doing that.

 

00;04;35;04 – 00;04;36;02

Dr. Mona

And that’s awesome.

 

00;04;36;05 – 00;04;39;10

Vera

Oh, yes. Thank you. Perhaps that’s all I needed.

 

00;04;39;13 – 00;04;55;01

Dr. Mona

Yeah, maybe that’s it. We’re all done. Okay. So I think sometimes just hearing it like that. Right. Like, I think we often forget that this is such, I’m going to use the word beautiful because I know it’s not easy. Right? But I do look at motherhood as an extremely beautiful role that we are privileged to have.

 

00;04;55;01 – 00;05;17;20

Dr. Mona

Right. I know not everyone who wants to be a mom can be a mom with infertility, whatever it may be. But I just think it’s so beautiful when you can look at it as I am growing alongside my child, my child is going through the milestones of speaking and that are, you know, doing all those stuff that I talk to you all about, developmental, but that I also am developing as a human being.

 

00;05;17;20 – 00;05;40;15

Dr. Mona

And when we start to really recognize that, I think we can also kind of let go a little bit and say, okay, I need to just really focus on all the things that are going right in this situation, all the things that I can control. And I’ll talk to you about that because I’m really curious. Like an example, I’ll if you can tell me of something that you feel like you complain about and then we can kind of go from there.

 

00;05;40;18 – 00;06;05;05

Vera

Yeah. Yeah, definitely. So I think one of the things that I tend to complain or on the negative side is time, like lack of time. One thing that was like probably the most surprising to me becoming a mom is how time is just completely compressed inside. Like you’re fitting a 12 hour day, likely in the hours of like eight to 4 to 5, if that.

 

00;06;05;14 – 00;06;27;05

Vera

And those are just the hours that I have childcare, you know, lucky to have that. I work outside the house, but my entire day, you know, prior to having a child used to be from 6:00 am or waking up whenever and doing whatever I wanted that autonomy. So I feel like I oftentimes complaining about like a lack of autonomy as it relates to time during the day.

 

00;06;27;17 – 00;06;44;22

Dr. Mona

I feel the same way. I probably complain the other day to my husband about like, how is there never enough time? And like you said, you’re also putting all your alone time into like a 2.5 hour session in the evening, which, by the way, we’re recording this when we’re on our downtime in the evening. We’re recording this last Saturday for everyone listening.

 

00;06;45;00 – 00;07;03;05

Dr. Mona

So thank you, Vera, for doing this. But it’s just, you know, it is a reality. I think, obviously, there is no denying that we have lost the time that we used to have. So I think one of the biggest things in this is recognizing this as our reality and not saying, like making excuses for it or not trying to say, well, it’s not happening.

 

00;07;03;05 – 00;07;22;18

Dr. Mona

This is this saying, hey, look, yes, I have less time than I used to have before I became a mom. And you also work outside the home. Besides being a mother, you have a you have a job as well. So your time is also cut down like significantly because even though you have help with your child, I mean, your mental drain of work is probably a reality as well, correct?

 

00;07;22;21 – 00;07;23;20

Vera

Oh my gosh.

 

00;07;23;22 – 00;07;47;11

Dr. Mona

Yeah, that’s and that’s one thing that I always say I’m like, we all have 24 hours in the day, right? I do meet mothers that I’m like, well, like you seem to have it all together. And how come you don’t really fuel the sort of kind of burden? And I think it all comes down to how we view time, you know, like how we view the time that we have and how we also just say, okay, here’s what I have to do today.

 

00;07;47;11 – 00;08;03;19

Dr. Mona

I have to work. I have to come home. And here’s how I’m going to prioritize what I need to do. And also just focusing on all the things that we are getting done and not the things that were not right. I think sometimes at the end of the of each day, you can kind of look back and say, well, gosh, what did I even do today?

 

00;08;03;19 – 00;08;20;10

Dr. Mona

I have no time, I have no time. I didn’t even get anything done. But you probably did do a lot, right. Let’s look at interacting with your child or going to work. I mean, these are all things that happened. And looking at the positive things that happened during the day so that you don’t look at it as lost time, you don’t look at it as well.

 

00;08;20;10 – 00;08;42;15

Dr. Mona

I didn’t do anything with my day. You actually did do a lot. And then yes, by reframing all of that, we can sort of give that mental space to be able to utilize our free time more efficiently. Right? Because what happens is when you’re so burnt out and bogged down with motherhood, with work, when you finally do get the free time, you do have it like you probably have maybe an hour.

 

00;08;42;21 – 00;09;04;24

Dr. Mona

Your brain is such mush like I’ve been there that you just don’t even know what’s happening. You’re just kind of in a fog and you’re like, what did I just do? So we’re trying to create more space in our brain, in our lives, in our mind. Right? Because it’s not always that you can physically create the time, to just say, okay, well, here’s the time I have what do I want to do with it and not beat ourselves up over our expectation of what we should do with that free time?

 

00;09;04;24 – 00;09;13;12

Dr. Mona

Like really just saying, this is what I’m going to do. This is what I feel and I’m enjoying it at this moment of, you know, the time that I do have for myself.

 

00;09;13;14 – 00;09;32;13

Vera

Yeah, I definitely think that the reframe is really important and probably something that I didn’t really tap into prior to having a kid. And now that I have one, I oftentimes find myself like having to just kind of like sit with it in the moment and just reframe it and, you know, flip the script. Right? Like, I think it’s really easy.

 

00;09;32;13 – 00;09;51;12

Vera

I find myself like getting bogged down in the, like the negative and like, man, I didn’t have enough time to do X, Y and Z. But I was also able to work a full day, which is not something that I was even able to do in the midst of the pandemic when we didn’t have any childcare. So we just kind of have to like, reframe.

 

00;09;52;09 – 00;10;06;22

Vera

It’s it’s hard to remind yourself to write. And I think that once, like, I’m able to grasp the reframe, there’s more space in my brain mentally to like, focus on being an interesting person. That’s the other thing is, like, I complain so much that I’m no longer interesting.

 

00;10;06;25 – 00;10;21;29

Dr. Mona

I hear what you’re saying, and I think you know what? I kind of have to tell myself when I get into that spiral of complaining. And I think in some degree we should be. I guess the word complain can have a negative connotation because we should be able to voice our concerns and, you know, tell our loved ones how we feel.

 

00;10;22;11 – 00;10;39;18

Dr. Mona

But yes, you know, when it’s becoming a cycle of everything coming out of your mouth is not something positive. Right? And one trick that has really helped me when I used to go through some negative kind of cycles like this is really just when you have a day and maybe try it tomorrow or on a weekday would try it on a work week.

 

00;10;39;24 – 00;10;57;11

Dr. Mona

Because it really is helpful. And throughout your day you’re going to notice all of your thoughts, okay. And it’s you don’t have to write anything down. This is just a mental exercise. And you are going to just notice all of your thoughts. Let’s start with you. Wake up in the morning and your child is screaming, okay. And your first thought is, gosh, I don’t want to do this.

 

00;10;57;11 – 00;11;15;23

Dr. Mona

Okay, that is a useless thought. So you are going to label your thoughts as useful and useless. Okay. Useless meaning it’s not going to serve a purpose in the long run, right? So negative thoughts are considered kind of more useless thoughts that they’re not something that we really that are really going to serve us any purpose that you really are just going to make us more negative.

 

00;11;15;26 – 00;11;31;11

Dr. Mona

So you’re just going to tap into it and just say, okay, negative driving to work, you notice a rainbow. That’s a useful image, useful thought. Right. You see. Well it’s a beautiful rainbow. Someone cuts you off. Useless, right. These are all events that really at the end of the day, they happen in our lives and they are a reality.

 

00;11;31;18 – 00;11;52;22

Dr. Mona

But you are not allowing them power over your mental space, right? So you are in control. Because I think when you start to get into this negative cycle, it’s all brain chemistry, right? It’s our body pays more attention to negative events than positive ones. And this is evolutionary, right? We do this because we pay attention to negative events because those are considered threats.

 

00;11;52;22 – 00;12;13;27

Dr. Mona

Someone cutting you off a kid Prime, all of these are threats to your safety or well-being. So your brain is primed from a psychological perspective to notice negative thoughts more than positive. So we have to say, I’m going to control my mindset right now, and I’m going to say yes, I recognize these thoughts, but they are not useful for me at this moment.

 

00;12;13;27 – 00;12;38;20

Dr. Mona

They’re not going to be useful for me in the long run. I can recognize it as a thought, because you don’t want to dismiss your feelings and dismiss it. You want to recognize it and say, I’m useless and just almost in your head you’re throwing it away. And I’ve done this exercise and it actually is mind blowing, because when you start to realize I have a lot of useless thoughts in the day, that’s how you can actually start to really reframe, you know, like throughout the day, you’re going to start to do this day by day.

 

00;12;38;20 – 00;12;53;20

Dr. Mona

And again, it’s a mental exercise. You’re going to say, what were the positive thoughts I had during the day? Right. Going back to the recommendation I mentioned about noticing the good things of the day, you’re going to realize, well, on a Monday, I really didn’t have a lot of good thoughts. On a Tuesday I got a little better.

 

00;12;53;20 – 00;13;09;18

Dr. Mona

I actually didn’t notice the rainbow and, you know, noticed x, Y, and Z. And then by the end of the week, you’re going to start to notice that you are in charge of reprograming your brain. You know, when we want to reset negative cycles and we’re primed for that. It’s a lot of work. I mean, I don’t know how old you are.

 

00;13;09;18 – 00;13;27;20

Dr. Mona

Maybe 2030. It takes a lifetime, right? You’ve already gone into your adult life that now we have to say to our adult brain, no, no, no, no, no, I understand that you are protecting me, right? Your negative mindset, all of that, just look at it as not a bad thing. Say no brain. You’re trying to protect me, but I’m good.

 

00;13;27;26 – 00;13;48;29

Dr. Mona

I’m in control right now. I’m going to handle this. And I see that you want this to be viewed as a threat. But it’s okay. I got this. And right, a lot of times when we have these feelings about our selves, we beat ourselves up, right? These negative self-talk that, oh, I’m so negative and I don’t know how to get out of it, but what I’m trying to encourage is say to yourself, this is who I am.

 

00;13;49;01 – 00;14;07;21

Dr. Mona

I’m not mad at myself for being negative. Absolutely not. Even though you’re trying to change. Correct. Because that’s the first step of saying, okay, then I can actually make change. Then I can actually look at those cycles of negative mindset that I have throughout the day. Then I can tell my brain, I’m in control here, but we can’t do that if we’re beating ourselves up in the first place.

 

00;14;07;21 – 00;14;28;15

Dr. Mona

Right. So I think you’re going to find that by reframing, but also avoiding that negative self-talk and then going through your day by day and by the end of a week, two weeks, you’re going to start to notice that pattern, the pattern of things that constantly make you say, well, was that really useful in my life? And I even catch myself doing this with my husband.

 

00;14;28;17 – 00;14;50;08

Dr. Mona

And that’s how I was asking if you had any sort of relationship, interaction that people talk to you saying you were negative, like I was complaining about my dog left and right to my husband. And for anyone who follows, my dog was going through really bad separation anxiety, having a lot of accidents, and I told myself, I’m like, okay, my reality here is I have this dog, he’s my family, and he’s going through a hard time.

 

00;14;50;15 – 00;15;12;05

Dr. Mona

And the complaining isn’t changing. The reality, correct? Like, we spend so much time complaining and I think we do it because it’s just an innate thing that we are just we feel we need to do, but it’s not going to change anything. It’s actually just going to bring negative energy back into that situation. Right. So it’s almost like taking a pause and saying, my dog is this way.

 

00;15;12;07 – 00;15;26;28

Dr. Mona

What energy do I want to give out into the world so that I can bring it back? So what I started to do, and it actually really helped, was that I would like, tell my husband all the good things that Shiloh did our dog. Right. The thing that was causing me to complain, the thing that was giving me so much grief.

 

00;15;27;02 – 00;15;44;20

Dr. Mona

So let’s use the time. Let’s use this right? You want to verbalize it and say, I had 20 minutes today and I got to listen to a great podcast, or I really got to do this, you are going to reframe and tell your partner or tell someone, or just write it in a diary and say to yourself, what did I do with the thing?

 

00;15;44;25 – 00;16;04;25

Dr. Mona

Or about the thing that made me anxious or upset? And that is a huge exercise in reframing. I do that every night with journaling, that I write down all the things that are giving me grief, and I journal it out so that I’m not unloading it onto my husband. When he comes back from the emergency room shift and I write it down and I say, here’s the issue that’s bothering me.

 

00;16;04;25 – 00;16;20;07

Dr. Mona

So right now my dog is bothering me, or I’m so stressed with, you know, overcommitting myself to X, Y, and Z. And then I say, well, I love my dog. He brings us so much joy. The overcommitting these are great opportunities. Now I know that I have to create more balance in my life and learn to say no more, right?

 

00;16;20;07 – 00;16;36;22

Dr. Mona

So you are learning about yourself. You’re learning about boundaries. You’re learning about the things that are good about you, from looking at the things that are making your life a little more difficult and it’s so easy to talk about reframing. But I like to give examples on how we can do it, because I think everyone knows about reframing.

 

00;16;36;22 – 00;16;54;18

Dr. Mona

But it’s different when you actually hear, yeah, I need to write it down on paper. I need to talk to a partner or someone who’s willing to listen. Remember, that is key. You can’t just talk to someone who doesn’t have the mental energy to take your energy. Also. But these are all like tips that can help sort of reframe and re channel.

 

00;16;54;18 – 00;17;08;17

Dr. Mona

And you’re reprograming the wires in our brain that have said something is wrong. I’m, you know, something’s worrisome. I’m unsafe. You know, all the things that the negative mindset is trying to do. And that’s a long process, but it’s doable.

 

00;17;08;20 – 00;17;26;15

Vera

Yeah, I love that. I love the tangible example. And actually, as you were talking, I was like, I’m actually going to use this at work. Because I know throughout the day that’s my whole day. And there are conversations. And I think that’s kind of like what bothers me down. It’s like, is this useful or is this useless?

 

00;17;26;15 – 00;17;35;22

Vera

And, so I’m actually gonna take that into my work life, and apply it to my home life at the same time. So thank you for that. That’s I appreciate that.

 

00;17;35;24 – 00;17;39;25

Dr. Mona

And, you know, I’m sure your job, if you could describe it. Is it a stressful job?

 

00;17;40;16 – 00;18;02;06

Vera

Yeah. Yeah, I work, at a startup, so it’s a little bit chaotic at times. And I think there are a lot of unknowns. And sometimes there’s tension across the board, and it’s moving really fast and quickly. So taking a moment to pause and say, like, is this, like, comment even useful? No, probably not. Or is somebody saying something and passing the time and like eat away at me?

 

00;18;02;09 – 00;18;15;19

Vera

Not useful. But I also really love the moment of gratitude. I think that I definitely take advantage of that, and I don’t make enough room for that. And having to kind of pause and just acknowledge that there is something good that happened.

 

00;18;15;21 – 00;18;34;24

Dr. Mona

And I ask that because I, you know, I used to work full time in a private practice, and now I work very minimally, clinically, so that I could work on all this. Right. Pedes doc talk is like my huge passion. But for a long time, I was in that job that I knew I wanted to do because I love pediatrics, but that wasn’t serving a bigger purpose for me.

 

00;18;34;24 – 00;18;56;04

Dr. Mona

Whatever you want to say. Like, I just felt like I wasn’t completely happy and I got some advice from someone that was so helpful and I want to share. And that is, I was complaining about my job left and right, you know, and that energy is going to come home. Correct. So it’s all a cycle. So if you work outside the home and your work is stressing you out, you’re going to bring that stress home.

 

00;18;56;11 – 00;19;15;13

Dr. Mona

If your family is stressing you out, you’re going to bring that energy to work. I mean, it is a cycle of stress and complaining. So of course, if you have a busy day at work, you come home and your child is having a tantrum. And I think you have a two and a half year old daughter, which is the same age as Ryan, you’re not going to have space for all of it, right?

 

00;19;15;13 – 00;19;37;22

Dr. Mona

So you’re going to be more likely to complain. If we have more space, you’re more likely to just say it. When I say space, right? Space to just take on the life that we have, right? The stressors in our life, the traffic, the tantrums, the unexpected things that happen that you have to have space for. But when you have more space for that, when you say, like, okay, I just have so much going on, you don’t have that space, right?

 

00;19;37;22 – 00;20;00;08

Dr. Mona

Your cup is full of so much stuff going on that it’s like really hard to just take that moment and take that breath. And that’s why all these things, right? The reframing the negative, avoiding the negative self, talk, the practicing of gratitude. What we’re trying to do for ourselves is create more space in our cup so that we can say, if my child has a tantrum, it’s not my child that’s bothering me.

 

00;20;00;08 – 00;20;17;02

Dr. Mona

It’s probably the fact that my job is like stressful or I got cut off. Like there’s so many things that happened before, an event that actually probably caused you to lose your cool, right? Like it’s a domino effect, right? We do things. And I always say to my families, yes, our children are going to piss us off. They are okay.

 

00;20;17;02 – 00;20;34;03

Dr. Mona

It’s a reality. But you’re more likely to lose your cool if you had a more stressful day, right? Like just so you had a completely relaxed day and then your child has a tantrum. You’re more likely to stay calm in that moment than if you are running from a stressful day at work, stuck in traffic, and then you came to a child who had a tantrum.

 

00;20;34;09 – 00;20;51;20

Dr. Mona

And that is why we have to have these conversations, right? Like, I want moms on my episode, on the podcast to be able to talk about these things, because the goal in life is to create more space. And that doesn’t mean that we’re, you know, not understanding our boundaries. It means that we have to say, am I doing too much at times?

 

00;20;51;20 – 00;21;13;02

Dr. Mona

Do I need to scale back? Do I need to say no more to things that don’t need me at this moment? It’s so hard in a startup to do that, I’m sure. Right? Like you, because they need you, right? Like this is part of the growing phase of a business. And as someone who has built a business, I will say that your mindset has to say to yourself, my job is, you know, maybe it’s mildly stressful, moderately, maybe some days is really bad.

 

00;21;13;04 – 00;21;29;14

Dr. Mona

What am I getting out of this job that is so stressful to me? That is serving my purpose in life a greater good right for me. When I had to do this exercise, I was in a place where I hated my job, okay? And I said to myself, I love my job. Even though I hate it. I love my job because it’s giving me health insurance.

 

00;21;29;21 – 00;21;47;26

Dr. Mona

It’s giving. I’m giving examples. It’s giving me health insurance. It’s giving me experience as a pediatrician so that I can build my platform. Right. Like I get to have face to face contact. It allows me to have a place to talk to other human beings. I know that sounds weird, but like as a mom, like going outside the house and interacting with other adults.

 

00;21;47;28 – 00;22;05;15

Dr. Mona

So I’m looking at a negative situation, which in my life was how much I hated my job. And looking at all of the things that make it good so that I can get through it, right. But at the same time, I’m also understanding my bigger picture goals like, I don’t want to stay in that job forever. I want to find something different.

 

00;22;05;15 – 00;22;28;27

Dr. Mona

So if something in your life is irking you or making you more stressed, in order to create more space, we have to first evaluate why am I not happy in this situation? Am I happy and I’m just overloaded? Or am I unhappy and and overloaded? Right? Because there’s a huge difference. If you love your job and are unhappy in the current like in a moment, it could just be because of being overloaded, right?

 

00;22;28;27 – 00;22;50;24

Dr. Mona

But you have to really understand what is it that’s bringing you joy? And sometimes it means that this is a stepping stone, right? That you may be using this job as a stepping stone to something else and recognizing that and saying, okay, this is important, but anything in our life that causes us stress, angst, all of that, it’s really looking at those things as opportunities versus obstacles, right?

 

00;22;50;24 – 00;23;08;22

Dr. Mona

Because that is how we’re going to get through it. Whether it’s something that you’re going to stay in long term or whether it’s a stepping stone to something else. Because when we look at things in our life as burdens, it becomes a burden. Right? And I talk a lot about this with anyone who has a child. If people talk about their kid as a burden, right.

 

00;23;08;22 – 00;23;27;28

Dr. Mona

My kid is a burden. I feel like I can’t do things. Everything your child does from there on out is going to seem like a burden. It’s a selfish prophecy, right? Like even if your child is not a burden, every day they do one little thing and you think of them as a burden. And I have had conversations with mothers in my office that feel like their child has weighed them down.

 

00;23;27;28 – 00;23;48;11

Dr. Mona

And I say, I understand. Like, I get it, it’s hard being a mom, but the terminology matters when we say that something is a burden or I can’t do this, and we tend to just cycle energy back into it. So it’s important to say, well, this is my reality. I don’t love this right now, or I don’t like when I can’t get the time, or I don’t like when my son throws a tantrum.

 

00;23;48;11 – 00;24;10;28

Dr. Mona

You know, I don’t like all of these things. It’s not fun to have to manage any of those things, but it’s not a burden. It is my life. I am going to look at the gratitude of a situation. And I think oftentimes when again, speaking of someone who is more positive, I think people have a misconception about gratitude because they think that when you are grateful for something, it means that the reality is not real, right?

 

00;24;10;28 – 00;24;35;27

Dr. Mona

Like that. People are going to think that it’s not hard. Like, I understand that what you’re going through is hard. Not having time, being in a startup, having a two and a half year old. I mean, I understand completely, but I think when we look at someone who’s grateful or someone who’s positive, we automatically think that that person has had no struggle, that that person also doesn’t have the same things we have when they actually have, but they’ve reprogram their brain to handle those negative things, right?

 

00;24;35;27 – 00;24;53;04

Dr. Mona

So we all go through really hard times, but it’s up to us and it’s a hard truth to like really take ownership of the situation and say, I don’t like the way this makes me feel, but I really need to dig a little deeper and find out why is it that I feel this way, you know, what is it that makes me angry?

 

00;24;53;04 – 00;25;12;14

Dr. Mona

Why am I angry? Why am I complaining? Is it that I need more space? Am I spreading myself too thin? Can I cut back on these things that are spreading myself too thin? And if I can’t because of whatever reason, I get that we can’t. Sometimes saying to myself, this is my reality right now, but I need to create a two year plan to create more space in my life.

 

00;25;12;14 – 00;25;29;21

Dr. Mona

I need to create a six month plan to create more space, like having that reality. And that acceptance is really important. As women, I think we tend to just get bogged down with, I need to do this, I need to do this. But really just saying, what is it that I want? Like, what is it that I’m trying to achieve in my life here with?

 

00;25;29;26 – 00;25;46;06

Dr. Mona

Whether you are at home all the time with your kids or you are working outside the home, or a mix of both, having an insightful introspection on what it is that you want in your life and really just accepting that reality and working towards a change if you want it.

 

00;25;46;09 – 00;26;15;26

Vera

Yeah, I think that that’s really it’s important call out. And they do like the mention of like gratitude. And it is, you know, the reality of the situation. And oftentimes it’s misconstrued. One of the things that I find myself when I go negative, it’s the easiest thing to grasp on to write. I think that that it’s, the need to carve out that mental space to like, dig and find and reframe, whether it be the moment of gratitude or this conversation that I had that was like bogging me down, was useless.

 

00;26;15;28 – 00;26;30;04

Vera

Because otherwise it’s just like super easy to grasp on to like negativity or like anger, rage or whatever, versus like kind of figuring out what the root of the issue is. And so I think that’s a very important call.

 

00;26;30;06 – 00;26;48;24

Dr. Mona

And, you know, I think people don’t realize that overstimulation and motherhood is a reality, right? Like so sounds and being tapped out is a reality, you know, like someone touching you. Some like having multiple sounds on at the same time. I mean, because of the amount of things that are happening, right? You have your child yelling, you have your partner asking you where the scissors are.

 

00;26;48;24 – 00;27;08;06

Dr. Mona

I mean, everything is happening all at once sometimes that you have to remember that there is a reality of overstimulation. And part of that adds to that complain cycle. Part of that adds to that, you know, frustration, anger, all of that that can happen and this sort of cycle of negativity. So it’s really important to understand your trigger in these situations as well.

 

00;27;08;06 – 00;27;27;16

Dr. Mona

So example like if you find that you’re overstimulated, it’s important to turn off either music or something that’s kind of adding to that noise that you can control. Obviously you can’t stop a child from crying all the time. But I’m talking about anything in a situation that you can’t control. Sometimes that means like I’m going to example.

 

00;27;27;16 – 00;27;46;23

Dr. Mona

Like sometimes if I’m feeling overstimulated with Ryan having a tantrum in a house, sometimes it means taking him and going outside where the sound is not so in my face. Right? Because when you go outside for a walk, for example, right. Like if you just go down the store, they may still be having a like, tantrum, but you’re just the energy, right?

 

00;27;46;23 – 00;28;05;22

Dr. Mona

It’s all about like shifting energy escaping from the negative cycle of, okay, my gosh, I’m stressed. My child’s having a tantrum. I’m stress tantrum. I’m stressed. Like you literally are just feeding that energy. So we have to reset by leaving the room, going somewhere else. If we can do that. Going for a drive. Obviously you have to be in a good mental state.

 

00;28;05;22 – 00;28;26;00

Dr. Mona

I don’t want you to be angry driving. But all these things, you know, and finding that outlet for you to get all that energy out, right, that complaining energy you have. Right. Like I also have tendencies to be that way, finding a way that what is it that’s going to be that channel for you? Is it going to be working out?

 

00;28;26;02 – 00;28;41;22

Dr. Mona

Maybe not because of time. Is it going to be going for a walk? Maybe you could incorporate that in the evenings as before bedtime routine giving examples. Is it going to be like on the weekend if you have your partner at home taking that time to do whatever you want for yourself, is it just going to be journaling?

 

00;28;41;22 – 00;28;59;03

Dr. Mona

Because journaling is a very quick thing that we can do at night, five minutes before we go to bed with these exercises that we mentioned. So it really is important to say to yourself, what is the decompression going to look like for me? What is it that’s going to help me, allow me to have that mental peace and create more space?

 

00;28;59;03 – 00;29;01;01

Dr. Mona

And that’s going to look different for everybody.

 

00;29;01;04 – 00;29;18;21

Vera

Yes. Oh my gosh, the overstimulation I think it’s two people talking to me at once is like a big trigger. And I just find myself like, I can’t focus on two things at once. Actually, that was like, one thing that I do find myself complaining about is like the desire to be able to just focus on one thing at a time.

 

00;29;18;22 – 00;29;51;02

Vera

I think that is like having my mind in a million different places as a mom. It’s like it’s another thing that I’m like, and as a working mom, I’m like, I’m getting pinged on the side, you know, particularly if like, my kid’s home sick or something. And I’m trying to, like, be present with her and taking care of all of the needs there, while also like getting messages about, like, random stuff at work, you know, or it’s like, you know, as common as, like my husband talking to me at the same time as my daughter’s like, okay, I can only answer one question.

 

00;29;51;04 – 00;29;57;29

Dr. Mona

And you grow up being a multitasker, feeling like you could do multiple things at once and kind of being okay with that.

 

00;29;58;01 – 00;30;22;13

Vera

You know, I think so. I will also like say caveat is I grew up as an only child with two other parents. So silence and not being bothered what I’m doing, something has allowed for me to multitask quite well. And but like having multiple things coming at me while I’m also trying to multitask, multitasking while multitasking.

 

00;30;22;15 – 00;30;37;27

Dr. Mona

Yes, exactly. Yeah. Because I think it’s I mean, I agree, like, I think once I became a mom, like I used to be able to do things at once, have the TV on, be able to write, have the TV on, be able to respond to a text message like, but now, like, for example, I do a lot of writing for pizza dog talk and I can’t have sound on when I write.

 

00;30;37;27 – 00;30;55;08

Dr. Mona

When I used to be able to do that, like I used to be able to have a movie on with my husband. And I think what it’s really important, especially with our partners, is really communicating those needs of what is overstimulating you and what you’re not able to do, and also your colleagues. I mean, I think it’s reasonable to obviously set kind of those expectations.

 

00;30;55;08 – 00;31;13;15

Dr. Mona

And sometimes you may have to create those expectations, like for example, like silencing your phone, like actively like putting it on silent mode when you’re in a meeting or telling your husband, hey, I’m not going to be available for the next hour. The daycare may call you like there’s these things that we may need to do to kind of create that sort of, I’m in this moment.

 

00;31;13;15 – 00;31;36;10

Dr. Mona

I’m going to focus on that so that we’re not pulling ourselves too thin, because this is what this is all about. Those moments, the reason why we feel this way is that as mothers, we feel like we’re constantly being spread thin, and those moments are like the prime example of being spread thin, right? You are being asked to do four different things at the same time, whether it’s from your partner, you’re getting text messages from work and whether it’s, from your child.

 

00;31;36;10 – 00;31;53;13

Dr. Mona

So it has to be some communication of if your partner is there, hey, I have this big meeting happening right now on my job or some big development. They may be messaging me, can you just handle anything with their daughter or at work, just kind of setting those sort of expectations and it can be uncomfortable to say those things.

 

00;31;53;13 – 00;32;08;16

Dr. Mona

You know, I’ve had to set some boundaries at work. You know, when I get knocks on my door, when I’m with the family and I have to say I’m like, do not ever knock on my door. Like, like I want to be able to focus on one thing at a time. And when I get knocks on the door, it’s messes my flow and messes my energy.

 

00;32;08;22 – 00;32;26;14

Dr. Mona

And I nicely tell my staff, I’m like, you know, please do not knock on my door unless it’s an emergency. Because I don’t want to deprive the family that I’m with of my time. And then I’d also, just as an energy kill. So really just setting those boundaries, if you can, with your job. And also especially with your partner, I think that can really help.

 

00;32;26;14 – 00;32;46;06

Dr. Mona

And communication is vital so that your partner knows exactly how you’re feeling and understands, because I think sometimes they don’t get it that like I have to say to my husband, like I used to be able to do this, but right now I can’t. And he respects it now for a while he’s like, I don’t get it. And I’m like, just I can’t explain it, but I can go upstairs to do my writing if you want to watch TV.

 

00;32;46;06 – 00;33;05;27

Dr. Mona

And now he’s like, no, I’ll just I’ll sit with you. I rather have it be quiet and you with me. Then you upstairs alone. And I’m like, okay, thank you so much. So it’s really important to just manage your expectation and just also tell people what you need. And I think as moms, we sometimes forget to just tell people what we feel and what we need and see if there’s a way to handle that.

 

00;33;05;27 – 00;33;19;00

Dr. Mona

Right. We feel like we have to be the superhero and all the things that we do, but we have to lean in on the people that work with us or the people you know in our lives that help care for our child so that we can make that space that I mentioned earlier on in this conversation.

 

00;33;19;03 – 00;33;38;19

Vera

Yeah, it’s definitely a moment of allowing myself to ask for help and also to set those hard boundaries. And I think that I get very caught up in the well, what what will someone say in response to me saying, hey, I can’t do this, or I’m going to go silent for the next two hours to take care of my kid.

 

00;33;38;21 – 00;33;49;04

Vera

Nobody has ever told me, don’t do that. Yes, but I think it’s just it’s the fear of not being the person who I think they think I should be.

 

00;33;49;06 – 00;34;06;11

Dr. Mona

And that’s it. And that’s what I mean by managing the expectation. I mean, I know you probably do really good work with your company, so I’m not worried about losing your job. If you say, I need an hour, you know, same with me. Like I had that mindset too, because I think we grow up with that. Like the sort of work ethic that, you know, you work, you go to work and you work really hard.

 

00;34;06;11 – 00;34;21;24

Dr. Mona

And I realized through the last three years, especially pregnancy and, you know, obviously having a child that I’m like, they obviously either say no or yes, but normally they’re like, yeah, we can make that work or yeah, I get it. Or let’s see if we can make things a little more flexible and you won’t know until you ask.

 

00;34;21;28 – 00;34;42;04

Dr. Mona

Right. Like I always say that I’m, I used to be very scared about asking for anything at a job or of anybody. And then I realized that, no, the worst thing someone says is no. And at least you asked. At least you advocated for yourself. And if it’s something that was so important to you and they kept saying, you know, then you have to reevaluate your, like I said, your entire life, your goal with that situation.

 

00;34;42;11 – 00;35;04;03

Dr. Mona

But if it’s something that you never asked for, you won’t know what the answer is. And so I always say it’s the worst thing someone says is no, we have to get a little more comfortable with being uncomfortable as mothers, as women. I have gotten better at that, and I think it’s a message that I really want more women to get more comfortable with being uncomfortable, because that is when you could really get the things that you want out of life, right?

 

00;35;04;10 – 00;35;20;03

Dr. Mona

Because we tend to be people pleasers or we tend to want to do the good and, you know, make sure everyone understands that we’re doing a good job. And we are, though, like, you’re probably killing it. I mean, you’re in the startup. I mean, it’s not easy being a mom, let alone also working and being a partner and all the roles that we carry.

 

00;35;20;06 – 00;35;39;29

Dr. Mona

It’s just so much weight and understanding and at the end of every day telling yourself that I did an awesome thing today. I am an amazing human being. I’m working hard on being better for myself and for my daughter and that is what I want you to go to sleep every day feeling about yourself. You know it may not have been the perfect day for you.

 

00;35;40;04 – 00;35;57;11

Dr. Mona

It may not have been a great day at all. I don’t expect every day to be rainbows and butterflies, but I know that you are doing things that serve your passion and that you’re raising a beautiful daughter. I’m sure I haven’t met her, but from talking to you, I’m sure she is going to look up to you and you’re doing the work.

 

00;35;57;11 – 00;36;23;13

Dr. Mona

And that is what I just really want to applaud you for, is that you’re here. You’re recording with me. You took time out of her not having any time to do this, and that is admirable, Vera. I mean, I just I love talking to women who recognize that. So really, thank you for sharing all of this and for taking your energy and your space to have conversations like this, because I think it’s going to really help you grow.

 

00;36;23;13 – 00;36;42;14

Dr. Mona

Just you just letting it out. Even if I didn’t help you at all, I just feel like sometimes just knowing that you’re not alone and this community of people listening share that same feeling. And we are complainer sometimes, and maybe we are in cycles of negativity, I think, and I hope that this has left you with feeling a little more weight lifted off your shoulders.

 

00;36;42;23 – 00;36;45;25

Dr. Mona

As a mom and as a, you know, all the rules that you carry.

 

00;36;45;27 – 00;37;10;25

Vera

Yeah, definitely. Thank you. I think that it’s hard to talk about these things to be vulnerable, but vulnerability will definitely lead to progress. And I think about, like, who? The person I want to represent as myself to my child so that like, you know, when someone is older, when they and maybe she’s a mom, that maybe she doesn’t have to have these conversations but can have a different conversation of vulnerability, about something else.

 

00;37;10;25 – 00;37;24;12

Vera

And I think we have to keep having these conversations to break cycles and not feel isolated, because that just leads to more negativity. And like the hardships of motherhood. So thank you.

 

00;37;24;17 – 00;37;41;21

Dr. Mona

Yeah. Thank you Vera. I can’t wait to like, touch base with you. See how you’re feeling, how your obviously your work is going and how your daughter who by the way, everyone is like she’s a week younger than my son Ryan. So we kind of relate on that timing. Thank you so much for joining me. For all the change that you’re trying to make for you and your family.

 

00;37;41;26 – 00;37;43;15

Dr. Mona

I think it’s a beautiful thing.

 

00;37;43;18 – 00;37;45;19

Vera

Awesome. Thank you, Doctor Mona.

 

00;37;45;21 – 00;38;08;05

Dr. Mona

I loved talking to Vera about this because I truly believe that in order to make the biggest impact as parents, you know, I can teach you about sleep and eating and behavior and all of the things. But if you are struggling with feeling like you’re complaining, if you feel like you’re not in a great space, if you feel like you want to improve yourself, this is so important for you and your family.

 

00;38;08;08 – 00;38;31;27

Dr. Mona

So I think it’s a really important conversation to figure out how can I create more space for myself? How can I undo this pattern of negativity? If you find yourself in it, some take home points. Make sure you are focusing on reframing. And reframing is not easy, and it’s not a quick fix. I think sometimes people feel like, okay, well, people told me that I need to reframe, but why am I still in this cycle of negativity?

 

00;38;32;00 – 00;38;48;22

Dr. Mona

Remember, you may be listening to this and you may be in your 20s and 30s. It takes a long time to undo those patterns that have been instilled on you for 20 to 30 years. But it is possible, and it does take a lot more effort. If it is a cycle that has been drilled into you for a longer period of time.

 

00;38;48;29 – 00;39;15;22

Dr. Mona

Reframing can be things like that. Useful and not useful exercise that I mentioned, where you’re just doing a verbal list of things that really don’t serve a purpose for the long run. It also can be journaling, where you write down every single thing in your day that has caused you angst, or that you’ve complained about, or that just gives you a lot of stress and write down what the situation is, but then cross it out and write down something about that person, that situation, that is something positive.

 

00;39;16;00 – 00;39;33;12

Dr. Mona

This is how we can reprogram our brain. The next thing is practicing gratitude. And like I said to Vera, sometimes I feel like when people think you’re practicing gratitude, it means that you’re just dismissive of the reality of a situation. Now, by practicing gratitude, you are saying that this is my reality. I may not have a lot of time.

 

00;39;33;12 – 00;39;49;20

Dr. Mona

I may not be able to do X, Y, and Z, but I’m grateful for the things that I can do. And this is also part of that. Rewiring of the brain. It’s telling our brain that I recognize that this is something not so great, but I’m choosing to look at the bright side, choosing to look at the positive.

 

00;39;49;20 – 00;40;09;13

Dr. Mona

And that is how we get control over situation. And the final take home is avoiding that negative self-talk. I recorded an episode, episode 116 called finding Joy five Values that will bring You More peace and Confidence in your Life. And as a mom, if you loved this episode, you’re going to really like that one because I talk about things like humility and vulnerability.

 

00;40;09;15 – 00;40;30;00

Dr. Mona

These are two characteristics or values that I really admire, because it can really allow you to have that self-growth that is so needed. Self-growth is a beautiful thing. Like I said, we are constantly evolving as human beings and especially as mothers and parents. And you are not done growing just because you are raising a child. You have to grow alongside your child.

 

00;40;30;00 – 00;40;47;10

Dr. Mona

You have to grow as a person. And it’s so important. And in order to do that, we cannot beat ourselves up over everything that we’ve done or who we are. We have to accept who we are and figure out, how can I change it? Or how can I maybe rewire the circuits of negativity to become a person that I want to be?

 

00;40;47;12 – 00;41;11;20

Dr. Mona

And it’s possible, but it takes self insight. It takes that vulnerability. It takes that humility to be able to do it. Thank you so much for joining me today. And if you love this episode, make sure you leave a review and a rating. It is so amazing getting to talk to so many parents from this community. It’s only been mom so far, but I just really love these conversations and I think it’s so important that we continue to have them.

 

00;41;11;20 – 00;41;14;08

Dr. Mona

And I can’t wait to talk to my next parent next week.