The finding joy series is a seres to promote mindset shifts, encourage self-growth, and inspire self-insight for you as parents.

I think our biggest barriers as parents is we don’t connect with our own feelings, anger, resentment, and past that it prohibits us from showing up for our children as our authentic and true selves.

In this epiosde I discuss the power of forgiveness. I discuss why forgiveness is vital in healing from difficult experiences (ex. birth trauma, generational trauma, or relationships).

I give examples on how forgiveness can help, how to implement it into your life, and why it will make you a happier parent.

00;00;08;28 – 00;00;48;18

Dr. Mona

Welcome back to the PedsDocTalk podcast and the finding Joy series, which I began in 2022, and it has been one of my most favorite series and actually one of your most favorite series. This finding Joy series is really a mindset shift that I hope I can foster in you as you parent your child. I’m doing this because I strongly believe that in order for us to parent our children with our authentic selves, we have to undo or reset the negative stories that we tell ourselves that have caused us insecurity, fear, worry, and essentially rob our joy as mothers and fathers.

 

00;00;48;21 – 00;01;11;27

Dr. Mona

So this finding Joy series is a mindset shift. It’s a mindset coaching that really will help you in those little things that you may not realize actually play a huge effect on how we show up for our children and for ourselves. This series will not only make you a more mindful parent, it will truly help reframe your mindset and change your relationship with others and your insight into yourself.

 

00;01;12;03 – 00;01;32;19

Dr. Mona

Something that I really love to discuss with parents and I share personal stories. I also share stories that, you know, have really inspired me because I really think that when you hear the stories, it’s going to really resonate and make you realize, you know what, I’ve been going through this too, or I’ve been stuck in the cycle of negativity or resentment and I really need to break out of it.

 

00;01;32;22 – 00;01;51;10

Dr. Mona

This is not a substitute for therapy. This is really just me sharing stories and sharing tips that I have learned through my life, in my own mindfulness journey, in my own journey to self-growth that have really inspired other moms in my office, my friends and I realized I need to really start putting this on the podcast because this is really important to parenting as well.

 

00;01;51;13 – 00;02;14;07

Dr. Mona

So in this episode, I am talking about the power of forgiveness, and I think forgiveness gets a bad rap. That forgiveness means that we are forgiving the people that have hurt us or the experiences that have happened. We’re forgiving the perpetrator of our grief and our trauma. But you’re going to learn by the end of this episode why the concept of forgiveness is so important for self-growth.

 

00;02;14;10 – 00;02;39;25

Dr. Mona

For those of you who know me, I had a traumatic delivery when Ryan was born. This was about two years ago. From the timing of this podcast, which was associated with a lot of grief, anger, resentment. Remember, grief is encompassing of so many different emotions. I also had a childhood that was very beautiful when I look back, but I also had some generational traumas that were bestowed upon me that I did not want to pass to my son.

 

00;02;39;28 – 00;03;07;16

Dr. Mona

And it was before I even became a mom that I started doing the work to undo that generational trauma. I actually recorded a podcast episode, episode 108 with Jess from our Mama village, where we take a deeper dive into generational trauma. But I felt that we needed to have a separate episode about finding joy and forgiveness because it’s so important in so many different aspects in the generational trauma that’s done from our childhood, and also with the traumas that we may go through as adults.

 

00;03;07;18 – 00;03;32;25

Dr. Mona

I’m also going to discuss forgiveness, as it applies to a very personal relationship to someone. That’s really important. My husband and our marriage. The concept of forgiveness really has helped me not only in processing traumas from childhood, but also traumas in my adult life. And I want to explain this concept of forgiveness because I again, I do think that it’s misunderstood who is exactly being forgiven here.

 

00;03;32;27 – 00;03;53;02

Dr. Mona

Forgiveness is really forgiving the past so that you can focus on the present and the future. If we don’t forgive, we get stuck in a resentment cycle that doesn’t allow us to heal and move forward. So when you are talking about forgiveness, you are forgiving something that occurred to you. You’re not saying that it was right. You were not saying that you deserve that.

 

00;03;53;02 – 00;04;11;07

Dr. Mona

You’re not saying any of that, but you are saying that I forgive the person who did this to me. I forgive myself for what I did not know in that situation, and for the guilt that we may place on ourselves. And I am going to forgive myself, forgive others, so that I can be in a place where I can accept positivity.

 

00;04;11;09 – 00;04;32;12

Dr. Mona

So when you are forgiving, you are forgiving a person, a team, or an action that was done upon you that caused you grief, resentment, anger. These are all very normal human feelings, right? And a little bit of it is okay, but if it starts to consume you and affects patterns in your life, it becomes an issue that we have to deal with.

 

00;04;32;14 – 00;04;47;11

Dr. Mona

The path to forgiveness starts with identifying what was done to you and exploring the ways it’s shaped your life. And this is what I call insight, right? It’s self-reflection. It’s something that I talk about in my new Mom Survival guide, something that’s so important to me as parents that we look at the things that were done to us.

 

00;04;47;11 – 00;05;06;26

Dr. Mona

And why are we the way that we are? I think it’s so important because if you are having insecurities or fears about your child, whatever it may be their development, their weight, their feeding, their sleep, I need to know, well, where is this coming from? Because not all parents have these fears. Fear is created by either something in our childhood or something that’s happened in our life.

 

00;05;06;26 – 00;05;24;22

Dr. Mona

That’s put up a radar that says, you know what? This is something that’s causing me anxiety and worry. And so that’s when we start to go into that cycle of anxiety and fear. Oftentimes this path to forgiveness is going to be really difficult, right. This will unpack a lot of heavy emotions. The next step is deciding to forgive you.

 

00;05;24;22 – 00;05;44;18

Dr. Mona

First of all, have to struggle with the resentment that you carry, right? And you try as best as you can to offer goodness towards something or someone that was not good to you. Oh, and this is really hard. And I’ll get into examples of what I mean by this. Forgiveness is not for the person who perpetrated the trauma and the grief.

 

00;05;44;20 – 00;06;07;12

Dr. Mona

It is for you to release anger and resentment. Anger and resentment, again, are normal human emotions. But when it becomes a cycle, when it becomes something that’s blocking you, these are blockers of self-growth and happiness and joy. But by learning how to forgive, we take control of our narrative and our story. You’re going to hear me in this finding Joy series.

 

00;06;07;12 – 00;06;38;26

Dr. Mona

Talk about the mindset shift and the story that we tell ourselves. Everyone goes through things, but it’s the story that you tell yourself that really will be your reality. There’s facts and then there’s actual reality. Facts are something that are, you know, actually exist. And the story we tell ourselves is what we create as our reality. Which if you actually saw four different people in the same situation, they may have four different realities because it’s four different minds, it’s four different people who’ve gone through different experiences, different traumas.

 

00;06;39;02 – 00;07;05;09

Dr. Mona

And so everyone can view a situation differently based on their own past and their own beliefs. Forgiveness is not forgetting. Forgiveness is saying, this happened to me and this was hurtful. I forgive for what this person didn’t know. I forgive myself for what I didn’t know so I can move forward. Forgiveness does not have to mean that you’re telling the perpetrator of your trauma, or someone who’s hurt you that, oh, I forgive you.

 

00;07;05;10 – 00;07;24;22

Dr. Mona

No, it’s not that. You can do that if you feel like you really want to do that. But this is for an internal thing. This is saying I’m releasing anger and resentment. I have towards this person so that I can fill my body with love, growth, and positivity. Anger, like I mentioned, is a blocker of joy, a blocker of positivity.

 

00;07;24;22 – 00;07;48;15

Dr. Mona

And when you have these blockers, it blocks self-growth. It blocks your ability to bring in positivity. When you’re constantly in a cycle of anger and resentment towards someone, something. And again, I’m going to give you these examples. When you forgive someone else, you are also forgiving yourself. I think many times we put guilt on ourselves or shame ourselves for what other people did to us.

 

00;07;48;16 – 00;08;08;18

Dr. Mona

For example, if you grew up in a house where you had some trauma, whether it was emotional, physical, generational trauma, you are going to place shame and guilt on yourself because you were in a trauma situation and you’re going to say, well, maybe I should have done this. Maybe I should have said this. Maybe I want to go back in time and do x, Y, and Z, and you can’t go back in time.

 

00;08;08;24 – 00;08;30;26

Dr. Mona

We can’t be anywhere else but the present. And that’s what mindfulness is. Correct. So when you had something done to you, whether it was yesterday or a year ago in your childhood, we can’t go back to what happened. And part of forgiveness is saying, I forgive the past. I forgive the things that I felt like I should have done, or maybe that other person should have done.

 

00;08;30;28 – 00;08;56;12

Dr. Mona

And by doing this, you are allowing resentment and hurt to be replaced by healing. You are taking an action that will reconnect and redirect your life because you’re telling yourself, I’m going to forgive. I’m going to have control over this so that I can move forward and heal. So I want to discuss all the things that I mentioned with examples for my life, because I really feel like it will help pull this all together.

 

00;08;56;12 – 00;09;16;11

Dr. Mona

And I encourage you to really look back at the things that you’re still holding resentment for or anger towards months, years, decades later. And think about the concept of forgiveness. So the first thing I’m talking about is my childhood. And this is obviously it will open up a can of worms. I’m not going to go into so, so much detail, but I look back at my childhood and I love my childhood.

 

00;09;16;11 – 00;09;46;05

Dr. Mona

I had loving parents, but I also had a father who had anger issues. He had a really bad temper and when he was upset, it was extremely scary. There was a lot of yelling. There was corporal punishment, which was slapping. Which I look back in is very common in his childhood. And again, this is a generational trauma. I grew up resenting this aspect of my life and struggling because I overall did have a good childhood.

 

00;09;46;05 – 00;10;09;06

Dr. Mona

I love my child, but but there was a part of me that had resentment towards my father. There was a part of me that had resentment towards my mom for not really intervening. You know, she tried her best, but she didn’t really try to stop it all the time. And I held resentment for that. And as I went through college and medical school, you know, I left my home, I realized that I just had a lot of anger that I learned from my father.

 

00;10;09;08 – 00;10;34;01

Dr. Mona

I had a lot of anger that I just couldn’t channel in a healthy way. Remember, anger is a normal human emotion. But yelling, hitting, slapping, stomping feet that is what I never learned. And I had to do that self-growth on my own. And I did because I didn’t like the way being overly angry made me feel. I knew that before having ry and my son, that this wouldn’t be healthy, so I worked on mindset shifts.

 

00;10;34;04 – 00;11;05;11

Dr. Mona

Part of this was forgiveness for what my father did to me that caused me trauma. In this situation, I worked on internally forgiving. What this means is that I said to myself, my father did not know anything more because he didn’t get the emotional regulation and emotional help that I now have insight into. I am not for giving him for what he did, but I am absolutely understanding that he did not know any better and I am going to forgive the past.

 

00;11;05;13 – 00;11;23;15

Dr. Mona

I took it one step further and I actually sat down with him right before I had my son. I was home for my baby shower and I talked to him about what happened in my childhood. And as you know, adults and grandparents, they get older. They actually forget the things that they did or they don’t look at it as a big deal.

 

00;11;23;17 – 00;11;40;01

Dr. Mona

And I didn’t get into an argument about why it was such a big deal. I just said how I was feeling, and I didn’t say, you did this, you did this. I said, hey, when I was younger and you used to slap me when you were angry, it really hurt me and it caused me a lot of anger issues that I am now working on.

 

00;11;40;04 – 00;12;00;07

Dr. Mona

And I want you to know that I forgive you for the past. I’m not asking him to apologize. I’m not expecting anything. I can’t control what anyone else is going to do except my own emotions. It’s another aspect of mindfulness, correct? But I just needed him to hear that I forgave and that I’m moving forward. And he sat there and he said, well, I really appreciate you saying this.

 

00;12;00;10 – 00;12;30;05

Dr. Mona

He didn’t apologize. But listen, I wasn’t expecting an apology. I was just wanting to get it out there. And the ability to forgive was not, again, forgiving the act of what happened. It’s forgiving the past and saying I am ready to accept space and positivity, to move forward. It allow for healing. And it also allowed me to let go of that anger and resentment that I had for my father, and anger and resentment that I was worried on caring to my child.

 

00;12;30;07 – 00;12;51;11

Dr. Mona

And when we talk about generational trauma, when you listen to episode 108, you’re going to hear us talk about generational trauma in much more detail. It is really important, this concept of forgiveness, because if you are holding on to anger and resentment from your own childhood, you are going to have blockers to be able to parent your own kids.

 

00;12;51;14 – 00;13;10;13

Dr. Mona

It was when I started to forgive and again, forgiveness is saying this happened. I don’t like it. It wasn’t fair. I don’t like how it made me feel. But now we are in the present and in me as an adult who’s in control of my emotions and how I approach situations. Remember, you are not able to control anybody else in this world.

 

00;13;10;19 – 00;13;40;02

Dr. Mona

The only person that you can control is your own emotions in a situation. So this really helped in my own self-growth as a mom. It actually allowed me to not be angry with my child. It actually had allowed me to undo that generational trauma of anger. That was the biggest thing for my childhood that I held. And I’m encouraging you to think about all the things that your parents have done to you, and think about how it makes you feel, and think about if you’re still holding anger and resentment.

 

00;13;40;04 – 00;14;06;15

Dr. Mona

And I want you to figure out if you can do this concept of internal forgiveness. You do not have to tell them that you forgive them. You don’t have to tell them that, hey, you did this to me, that may not happen if you don’t have the relationship. I don’t need that. But what I’m asking is that in your own heart of hearts, you need to forgive because you are going to open up space for more healing when you forgive them, and inadvertently also forgive yourself for the trauma that was caused on you.

 

00;14;06;17 – 00;14;28;08

Dr. Mona

The amount of guilt we put on ourselves when we go through a traumatic incident or our grieving is astronomical. I mean, the last example I’m going to talk about is birth trauma. But even if it’s not our fault, quote unquote, even if it’s not something that we did, we place a lot of blame and guilt. And again, this concept of forgiveness not only allows you to just create more space, it forgives you as well.

 

00;14;28;08 – 00;14;50;25

Dr. Mona

You may not realize how much resentment, anger, and how much guilt you have put on yourself from that trauma when it wasn’t your doing. And that is what forgiveness will do, and that is why it’s so powerful. The next example is with my husband. When we first started dating, he did some things that were emotionally belittling, and a lot of it came from a past relationship where he was hurt.

 

00;14;50;27 – 00;15;08;21

Dr. Mona

I questioned staying with him and then, you know, he went on his own journey of self-growth and changed alongside of me, which is why we stayed together. Had I not seen that self-growth, I’m not sure if we would still be together. But I saw little changes that were showing me that, you know what? He’s trying to move forward, fast forward down the line.

 

00;15;08;24 – 00;15;32;00

Dr. Mona

Many years now, we’re married. And I realize that after we got married and he was treating me well, right. It wasn’t like how it was at the beginning. I still held resentment and anger to how he treated me in the beginning of our relationship, and that was affecting our relationship in the present, even though he wasn’t doing anything he did at the beginning of our relationship.

 

00;15;32;00 – 00;15;48;26

Dr. Mona

Now I was holding on to the past, the feelings and emotions, and didn’t forgive him so that we could move forward. And it came up in a conversation we had. You know, I don’t like using the word fight, but it came up in a discussion and he said he was like, when have I done that? Now he’s like, I understand.

 

00;15;48;26 – 00;16;08;14

Dr. Mona

I did that when, you know, we first started dating, but I’ve changed. And I said, you’re right. I am holding on to so much from the past and so much anger and resentment. And it was forgiveness that helped me. It was forgiving myself for feeling like, why did I stay in that relationship? Why, you know, did he was he able to do that to me?

 

00;16;08;21 – 00;16;26;16

Dr. Mona

And it was also just forgiving the past. And focusing on the present and where we are now. Now, this is hard. If you are in a relationship where the the things that were happened to you in the past are continuing to happen in the present, and that is why, you know, this finding Joy series is a understanding of the big picture of mindset shift.

 

00;16;26;23 – 00;16;46;22

Dr. Mona

Of course, if there is a perpetrator of trauma still in your life, not changing, not doing anything, you’re going to need more one on one discussions. And I encourage you to find a therapist, because when it’s something like that, you’re going to need that support to figure out how the heck can I incorporate this concept of forgiveness to someone that is continuously hurting me?

 

00;16;46;24 – 00;17;09;16

Dr. Mona

But remember, it’s not forgiving the person’s actions. It’s figuring out how can I be safe in this situation, and how can I find mental peace to move forward? The last thing I want to talk about is birth trauma. After these two experiences, you know, my childhood and then my relationship with my husband and friends and my own journey to self-growth, I realized the power of forgiveness.

 

00;17;09;19 – 00;17;28;27

Dr. Mona

I don’t want to go into all the details of what happened, because I’ve talked about on my Instagram. You have other podcast episodes that I talk about my birth trauma, but I want to be very honest that my medical team very, very greatly messed up my care. They didn’t mess up Ryan’s care, I will say that. But they dropped the ball in many places for my well-being.

 

00;17;28;29 – 00;17;58;13

Dr. Mona

Had it not been for my husband, I would probably have died in that hospital. There was a lot of medical negligence. And as a pediatrician, an E.R. doc, you know, my husband’s in Iraq. It was very hard being on the other side. So along with processing this trauma, I remember birth trauma is very much grief. I held on to so much grief, the vision of what I envisioned our birth to be, having a child with a medical condition who had a stroke and then seizures, me having complications, having to go back to the hospital, all of that.

 

00;17;58;15 – 00;18;26;19

Dr. Mona

I was angry and I also held so much resentment for my medical team and what they did to me. And along this process, one big step to moving from the trauma was forgiveness. And I have to be clear, because people don’t understand how powerful forgiveness is when they’ve gone through or are going through trauma, until they get through the other side and have forgave and realize, well, that actually was a huge aspect of my healing.

 

00;18;26;21 – 00;18;44;13

Dr. Mona

And when I say I forgave them, it did not mean in the situation that I called them up and said, hey, I forgive you. I had no desire to do that. It was forgiving the situation and the past and also forgiving myself. Remember I said that sometimes when we are the recipient of grief or trauma, we place a lot of guilt on ourselves with our trauma.

 

00;18;44;13 – 00;19;04;17

Dr. Mona

I had so much guilt. Well, maybe if I had done this, maybe if I had left work, or maybe if I had advocated for myself, maybe, maybe, maybe. But I couldn’t go back in the past. I couldn’t do that. I was in the present when it happened. And so I had to forgive them and in turn, forgive myself so that I can move forward.

 

00;19;04;20 – 00;19;30;09

Dr. Mona

Forgiveness takes a really big person. I put that in quotes because people feel that it takes a big person to forgive. But remember in forgiveness you don’t have to verbally ever forgive that person. This is a mental process for you to release anger and resentment so that you can heal. And let me tell you, it was powerful. I have learned so much through the grief and trauma that I’ve had through my life.

 

00;19;30;09 – 00;19;49;14

Dr. Mona

And it was actually Ryan’s delivery, you know, after that, I really was inspired to really share this mindset shift and this mindset that had really gotten me through these really hard times. Because in life, you are going to get really hard times. It’s not destiny that we are going to have an easy life. That’s not what life is.

 

00;19;49;14 – 00;20;07;06

Dr. Mona

Life is meant to be difficult so that you can appreciate the good moments. And it really is about navigating those hard moments. And this is what the finding Joy series is all about. It’s about understanding that there’s going to be joy and happiness, but there’s also going to be really hard times. Forgiveness, to me, is one of the most humble actions in my opinion.

 

00;20;07;06 – 00;20;27;03

Dr. Mona

It takes a big person to forgive, but in my opinion, everyone can do it. And that concept of forgiveness is so powerful. Remember, you are not forgiving or dismissing or forgetting the hurt or the pain. Remember, I think we get into this cycle that well, I can’t forgive someone who hurt me. You are not forgetting what they did.

 

00;20;27;03 – 00;20;47;25

Dr. Mona

Obviously it was hurtful and that’s part of your reality. But forgiveness is something that’s more powerful for us. It’s taking ownership and saying that this hurt me, but I’m not going to let it define me. I’m not going to let it be what weighs me down. It allows you to have more space in your heart, in your body, so that you can move forward.

 

00;20;48;03 – 00;21;23;15

Dr. Mona

Trust again, heal and find true happiness. Forgiveness also releases negativity from our life, which I believe to be our inhibitors of success. Enjoy breaking the cycles of negativity is very important to me and by learning to forgive, we bring back joy and positivity into our life, which leads to even greater joys. If you are holding on to so much resentment and anger from a situation in your past, from someone who hurt you, it is not going to allow you to grow until you learn to release that anger and forgiveness is part of that.

 

00;21;23;15 – 00;21;49;03

Dr. Mona

It’s adding positivity and removing negativity so that your body can receive more joy and positive energy. If you are feeling stagnant right now, think about any resentment you hold for events in the past or people. And I want you to consider forgiveness. You may be a mother or father in this pandemic right now, and you have resentment towards something that happened a year ago, a month ago, whatever it may be.

 

00;21;49;05 – 00;22;09;20

Dr. Mona

I want you to think about these things. Write it down, think about how it’s made you feel. Recognize what it has done to the person you are today. And then I want you to take your power back. I want you to say, this is not going to define me. I’m going to be stronger than my past, and that I’m going to forgive myself for anything.

 

00;22;09;20 – 00;22;28;14

Dr. Mona

The guilt, the shame that I put on myself during that event. And I’m going to mentally forgive so that I can receive more positivity. The energy and emotion you have so deeply invested into a certain person or situation that has done you wrong, is now free to be moved to someone or something, or different endeavor that is positive for your growth.

 

00;22;28;17 – 00;22;59;21

Dr. Mona

And that growth can be emotional, spiritual, psychological, physical. There are so many different ways that you are going to see yourself thrive when you learn to let go of resentment and anger. And this is a long work in progress, and it is something that I find to be so extremely powerful and understated. This act of forgiveness, the forgiveness of what you have may done wrong, what others have done wrong to you, is going to bring more positive energy and that positive energy is limitless.

 

00;22;59;24 – 00;23;30;24

Dr. Mona

Thank you for joining me on this week’s episode. I love the finding Joy series. If you love it, please make sure to DM me, but also write a review or give a rating wherever you listen to podcasts. It helps more people discover this podcast. If you are struggling with something in your mindset, whether it’s as a mother in work life balance, whatever it may be, leave a question at (954) 526-2641 and I may discuss this mindset shift and mindset coaching in a future finding Joy episode.

 

00;23;30;26 – 00;23;32;27

Dr. Mona

Thank you for joining me, and I’ll talk to you next time.