Lying is a common behavior in young children, especially as they begin to explore their imagination and test boundaries. In this episode, I share insights on why kids lie, including developmental stages and emotional motivations. Teach how to respond with empathy, encourage honesty, and create a safe space for your child to tell the truth. Whether your child is exaggerating a story or avoiding consequences, discover practical strategies for building trust and fostering open communication in your family.

 

I discuss:

• Why young children lie and how it’s part of their developmental process.
• Effective strategies for responding to lying with empathy and understanding.
• Tips for fostering honesty, trust, and open communication in your family.

 

The Three Things Every Child Needs from the Grown Ups in their life

 

To connect with Dr. Mona Amin follow her on Instagram @pedsdoctalk.

 

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00;00;00;06 – 00;00;19;16
Dr. Mona
Hello, it’s Doctor Mona, and welcome back to the show. Thank you so much for tuning in. Each and every week we continue to be a top parenting podcast in the United States, and slowly climbing the charts around the world. And you all really loved the episode from last week, which was with Ruth Whippman about raising boys in an age of impossible masculinity.

00;00;19;17 – 00;00;35;00
Dr. Mona
Thank you so much for your love and your reviews and your comments and your DMs. It means so much when you do that, and make sure to do it for every episode that you love. Today’s solo episode is about lying while your kid does it, why it’s normal, and how to teach them in a healthy way about honesty.

00;00;35;02 – 00;00;56;25
Dr. Mona
Like the whining episode I did, I also fielded questions from our community here with scenarios and situations where your kids have lied and how you handled it. And they offer some suggestions. Before we get into the episode, I do want to talk about a personal event that happened that was kind of jarring, but also brought me back to a parenting moment that I often talk about with parents in my office.

00;00;56;28 – 00;01;20;05
Dr. Mona
I was driving my son to school on our normal route, and we got stuck behind a garbage truck. No biggie. It happens all the time. Usually we just go around it and it’s not a problem. Now there’s a car behind the garbage truck and in front of me who stopped as well. After waiting for a few seconds, I put my indicator on because the car in front of me wasn’t moving, and I began to move into the other lane of a two lane street to pass the garbage truck.

00;01;20;07 – 00;01;44;27
Dr. Mona
At the exact moment I do that, the car in front of me presses on her gas and weaves into the lane in front of me, and we almost get into an accident. She honks. She puts her car in park and opens her door and starts cursing and yelling at me. And I see it’s a woman that I actually have talked to as an acquaintance many times, so I think, oh, she’s going to see me and realize that it’s me.

00;01;44;29 – 00;02;09;27
Dr. Mona
We know each other and she’s going to realize it and stop yelling. And she didn’t. She kept yelling and cursing and I. I don’t know, I thought maybe she would recognize me through the window, and I just ended up realizing that she wasn’t going to recognize me. So I put my hands up. I said, sorry, but the weird reaction I instinctively had when she was yelling and I saw her and recognized her was I smiled.

00;02;09;29 – 00;02;26;05
Dr. Mona
I smiled because I thought that she would stop yelling when she recognized me. She pulled over to the side and didn’t proceed in the same direction. She didn’t come up to my car and I continued driving, and Ryan asked me why there was a lady screaming, and I told her that she was upset and that everything is okay.

00;02;26;08 – 00;02;50;06
Dr. Mona
I usually run into this woman a few times a week in the park and in my community, but I haven’t seen her since. And in any case, the screaming, cursing and yelling and opening of the door was not something I’ve experienced before, and it really made me curious why I smiled when I saw her, and this reaction was like a hey, I know you, why are you upset feeling?

00;02;50;09 – 00;03;10;27
Dr. Mona
We know each other and it made me think a lot about children, and it’s very common when children are being yelled at or simply disciplined by a caregiver or someone that they know how to smile or laugh or make a noise. And maybe you’ve been in that situation. This is sometimes a coping mechanism or more so confusion, and they laugh or smile.

00;03;10;27 – 00;03;32;18
Dr. Mona
And in that moment I felt like a child. I was like, hey, I know you. Why are you, why are you upset? And I smiled. And so it’s a very instinctive response. It’s not being impolite. It’s not being rude, it’s just a response. Understanding that their laughter is a natural or reflexive response can help you manage the situation with more empathy and effectiveness.

00;03;32;26 – 00;03;51;14
Dr. Mona
Of course, I would love if you don’t yell, but if you’re setting a boundary and your child laughs, they smile or they make a weird sound just stay calm, acknowledge their feelings, and teach emotional expression by allowing them to name their feelings so they can learn to express their emotion appropriately. I hope I run into this acquaintance so we can talk about what happened.

00;03;51;14 – 00;04;06;12
Dr. Mona
Even though it’s been a week and a half now at the time of this recording. But that story just gave me a little flash of the child in me, just confused that, hey, I know you and why are you yelling when we recognize each other? Or so I thought. But I just thought it was a really relatable moment.

00;04;06;12 – 00;04;25;15
Dr. Mona
And I know I speak to a lot of parents who get confused when their child may laugh, smile, or make weird sound when they’re disciplining, or even if they’re yelling. But no, it’s not disrespectful and you can better navigate it. Now let’s get into today’s conversation about lying. And remember, if you enjoyed this episode, leave a review and share it on social media to spread the word.

00;04;25;17 – 00;04;43;20
Dr. Mona
Your child has begun to lie, and all of a sudden you feel like a lawyer cross-examining someone on a stand. Hi, I’m Doctor Mona aboard certified pediatrician, parenting educator, and mom myself. And lying is very, very common in childhood, especially in kids over three and a half. And I’ve been there too. I have a four and a half year old.

00;04;43;20 – 00;05;03;26
Dr. Mona
So let’s discuss lying, why kids lie, how to approach it, and what not to do when they lie. Before we get into what to do, it’s important to understand why they lie. And if you follow any of my content, I love to explain the why. Because if we understand the why of child development and health, we can better know how to approach these situations and in a way celebrate their brains.

00;05;03;26 – 00;05;29;00
Dr. Mona
Learning this skill while we guide them to a path of honesty. Lying is common after the age of three and a half or four, and can seem very prominent at this stage. One of the biggest reasons it can develop at this age is the developing brain is very into imagination and fantasy. Sometimes they might blur between reality and fantasy, leading them to tell stories or embellish real truth or extrapolate actual, real situations.

00;05;29;03 – 00;05;50;18
Dr. Mona
Like my son, who told me one day that his friend went in an ambulance from school, and when I texted her mom to check in, she said that didn’t happen. When I dug a little deeper, I found out that she just got hurt on the playground, but didn’t actually have to leave. But he associated anyone getting hurt. Going to my husband’s hospital because my husband is an ER doctor and takes care of injured people.

00;05;50;20 – 00;06;14;24
Dr. Mona
So my son assumed that his friend would go there too, even if that didn’t happen. Q A fabrication if you will. Another reason is testing boundaries. Once you’ve gotten good at boundary setting, children are learning about social rules and boundaries and may up the ante and lie to see if they can avoid boundaries. This way, they might experiment with lying to see what happens, or to gauge how their behavior affects others.

00;06;14;27 – 00;06;38;13
Dr. Mona
Commonly, they may lie to avoid consequences. A child might lie to avoid getting in trouble or to escape a situation they find uncomfortable. If they fear punishment or disapproval, they might say what they think will keep them out of trouble. On the flip side, they also may lie for approval. They want to impress you and make you feel good, and sometimes they may lie if they feel that this will gain your approval.

00;06;38;15 – 00;07;01;13
Dr. Mona
Children are also the great mimic, or they might imitate what they see around them. And if they observe adults or older children lying, they might mimic this behavior without understanding fully what is happening. They also may lie to seem more exciting or want something to be true, and this can be common in older children. They also may lie to protect their feelings or protect themselves from insecurity.

00;07;01;16 – 00;07;18;18
Dr. Mona
Children might lie to protect their own feelings or the feelings of others. For example, if they think the truth might hurt someone, they might choose to lie instead. Sometimes children lie because they’re feeling insecure or unsure of themselves. They might lie to make themselves seem better or more capable than they feel that they are, and a very common reason.

00;07;18;18 – 00;07;45;04
Dr. Mona
Lack of understanding. At this age, children are still developing their understanding of truth and falsehood. They might not fully grasp the difference between reality and what they are saying, and it’s their way of learning how learning, how to communicate and also learning how the world works. Understanding that lying at this age is often more about development, especially that cognitive development and experimentation than malicious intent can really help in guiding your child towards honesty in a supportive and constructive way.

00;07;45;07 – 00;08;11;18
Dr. Mona
So how do you approach this lying stage, and the fact that lying is something that will happen in their life? A study published in the journal nature in 2014 found that people, life frequently in their everyday interactions. The research showed that the average person lies about 1 to 2 times per day. Research by psychologist Robert Feldman found that people lie about 30% of the time during conversations with the most common types of lies being white lies, exaggerations, and lies of omission.

00;08;11;21 – 00;08;30;20
Dr. Mona
So lying is part of our life. But there are such things as positive versus negative lies. It’s important children understand the difference between lies meant to protect someone’s feelings and those that might be harmful. For example, lying to avoid hurting a friend’s feelings might be seen as kinder, while lying to get out of trouble might be seen as dishonest.

00;08;30;23 – 00;08;49;20
Dr. Mona
But our goal is to create safety where they feel comfortable being honest, and that honesty will not lead to shame. When approaching lying in general, here are some steps to remember. Stay calm and non-judgmental. Like I said at the beginning, it’s easy to become a lawyer and cross-examine your child, but this can seem scary and shameful to them.

00;08;49;23 – 00;09;14;24
Dr. Mona
Respond calmly and avoid reacting with anger or frustration when you discover the lie. A non-judgmental tone helps create an environment where the child feels safe to tell the truth. Instead of saying, why did you lie? Try asking, can you help me understand what happened? Or instead of saying, don’t lie. Say, that doesn’t sound right to me. Can you be honest or what you’re saying doesn’t match what I saw?

00;09;14;26 – 00;09;32;20
Dr. Mona
Are you being truthful? Next. Understand the motivation behind the lying. Going back to the reasons that the child might lie, it’s important to know what the root cause may be so we can approach that. Ask open ended questions to get to the root of the issue. Such as what were you hoping would happen by not telling the truth?

00;09;32;20 – 00;09;56;25
Dr. Mona
Or you’re telling me one thing, but I see the truth to be something else. You’re always safe here to tell the truth. What were you worried would happen if you told the truth? To uncover any fears or concerns behind telling a lie? Instead of directly accusing your child of lying which might make them defensive, you can use questions and statements that encourage honesty and open dialog.

00;09;56;27 – 00;10;13;21
Dr. Mona
When you first discover the lie, I noticed that seems a bit different from what you told me. Can you help me understand what really happened? This opens up a dialog without shame or blame. If they are afraid of consequences, I want you to know that it’s okay to tell the truth, even if you’re worried about getting in trouble.

00;10;13;23 – 00;10;36;21
Dr. Mona
Let’s talk about what’s going on and how we can solve it together. This reassures them that telling the truth will not lead to severe punishment, and invites collaboration and curbs lying, since they know that you’re a safe space. If they’re testing boundaries, it looks like you were trying to see how I would react. It’s important for us to be honest with each other so that we can work through any issues together.

00;10;36;24 – 00;10;59;13
Dr. Mona
This helps the child understand the boundaries of honesty and the importance of trust. Now let’s take a break to hear from our sponsors. Here are some other phrases that can help. It’s important for us to be honest with each other. Can you tell me what really happened? This emphasizes the value of honesty and reinforces your expectation. I’m having trouble understanding your side of the story.

00;10;59;15 – 00;11;22;29
Dr. Mona
Can you explain it to me? This shows that you’re interested in their perspective and encourages them to be truthful. I know that sometimes it’s hard to tell the truth, but we need to be honest with each other. Can we talk about what really happened? Acknowledges the difficulty of honesty and opens the door for a truthful conversation. Going back to more strategies when discussing lying, discuss the impact of lying and offer real life examples.

00;11;23;06 – 00;11;41;24
Dr. Mona
Perhaps related to you or your partner so they know that you’re relatable and that they’re not alone. Explain how honesty is important and that being honest will always mean that they’re safe with you. When thinking about positive reinforcement in kids, and as it applies to lying in order to drive the positive behaviors you want, reinforce non lying behavior or truthful behavior.

00;11;41;27 – 00;12;11;07
Dr. Mona
Offer verbal praise and recognize their honest behavior, even in moments when they were not being honest initially and admitted the truth. I really appreciate that you told me the truth about what happened next. Model honesty. Be a role model for this. Be truthful in your conversations with your partner. Don’t sneak things with your kids or your family. For example, my mom used to like to sneak cookies to Ryan or son like it was a secret thing, and I discussed with her that we don’t need to be sneaky and lie and can have cookies with the meal without hiding it.

00;12;11;10 – 00;12;29;26
Dr. Mona
And if anybody is sneaking cookies, I make it a point to say, hey, cookies can happen, but we don’t need to be sneaky about it. And very important create a safe environment for truth telling. Make it clear that telling the truth is safe and will not lead to harsh punishment. Ensure your child knows that they can speak up without fear of extreme consequences.

00;12;29;28 – 00;12;51;09
Dr. Mona
Reassure your child that you value their honesty and that mistakes are part of learning. Encourage open communication by listening actively and empathetically when approaching life. It’s important to not become that lawyer cross-examining your child by interrogating them. Well, you didn’t say that. That’s not the truth. That can seem scary and can make them not feel safe to be truthful in the future.

00;12;51;12 – 00;13;17;01
Dr. Mona
By employing these strategies, you can address lying in a way that promotes honesty, builds trust, while also teaching valuable lessons about integrity and responsibility. Now let’s get into some submitted questions by our community. Where all provide some additional tips and scripts as needed. Remember to follow me at Stock Talk on Instagram and subscribe to my newsletter, as I will be putting up forums to allow this community to submit questions for various topics that I will address on the show.

00;13;17;04 – 00;13;35;04
Dr. Mona
Amanda wrote in about her five year old, my daughter lies pretty often about handwashing after using the toilet, but this one takes the cake. I went in the bathroom and noticed that there was pee in our garbage can. We keep white trash bags in there so it was clearly pee and could not be anything else. I went to my husband and said I’m pretty sure she peed in the bathroom garbage.

00;13;35;07 – 00;13;51;23
Dr. Mona
We were not mad, but just baffled. I asked her, sweetie, did you pee in the garbage? She was adamant that she did not. She even blamed it on our cat. I probably should have let it go sooner than I did. My husband and I asked multiple times, assured her she was not in trouble. We did get mad when she blamed our cat for it.

00;13;51;26 – 00;14;16;07
Dr. Mona
Eventually she said, okay, it was me, I did it. It turned out she got her pants down but didn’t have enough time to climb on the toilet, so she just sat on the garbage. We told her that was really quick thinking and good problem solving. So of course it’s human nature to get upset, but I’m happy you celebrated her quick thinking and good problem solving so you can focus on some positive characteristics she has and the positive things she did.

00;14;16;09 – 00;14;37;06
Dr. Mona
Problem solve after relating. Oh I see. Yeah, it can be so tricky when you have to pee and you don’t have enough time. Maybe next time you can go sooner. Or if you need help, call me. This promotes problem solving so they don’t get stuck in a lie because they’re feeling embarrassed when emphasizing the importance of honesty. Say something like, honesty is really important to us as a family because it helps us trust each other.

00;14;37;08 – 00;15;03;18
Dr. Mona
Why did you feel that you couldn’t be honest with us about what happened? This reinforces honesty, and trust is the foundation of your family when encouraging future honesty. I’m glad you felt comfortable telling us the truth. Next time, remember that it’s always better to be honest and we will always figure out tricky situations together. This encourages truthfulness but also shows collaboration in situations that they feel worried that they may get in trouble.

00;15;03;20 – 00;15;24;13
Dr. Mona
When reflecting on the situation or debriefing. I know you felt you couldn’t be honest, but what can you do or say next time? This keeps lines of communication open, of honesty and truth. Caitlin wrote in about her three year old, I said, no more watching Bluey, to which my three year old responded by walking across the room and telling dad that mom said it’s okay to watch more TV.

00;15;24;18 – 00;15;41;09
Dr. Mona
Also, dad heard me say no. Dad responded with a touch of shame in his voice and I simply reiterated, we can’t watch more TV and it’s not okay to lie. I have a hard time describing lying and why it’s not okay to a three year old. How are they to comprehend something like this? Man, kids are smart, including your three year old.

00;15;41;14 – 00;15;56;14
Dr. Mona
You’re right that using the word lying to a three year old will go right over their heads. So we have to use scenarios and explanations. Lying means saying something that isn’t true. For example, if you said mommy said it was okay to watch Bluey when I didn’t. It’s also not unusual for this to happen as they test boundaries.

00;15;56;14 – 00;16;13;27
Dr. Mona
Kids are really smart, like your kid, and sometimes they will pit caregivers against each other to see if we will realize. But we’re smarter. Have a united front with you and your partner on what the boundary is, and approach the line with curiosity but also holding the boundary. I see you want to watch TV, but mom and I both said no.

00;16;14;00 – 00;16;39;06
Dr. Mona
Also, talk about honesty. Remember when we talked about being honest? Telling the truth means seeing what really happened and praise truth telling so they understand the concept. If you catch her telling the truth about something else, thank you for being honest. I really appreciate that. This reinforces positive behavior. Megan wrote in about her four year old. After my daughter uses the bathroom, I asked, did you wash your hands?

00;16;39;12 – 00;16;56;20
Dr. Mona
And she said yes. I ask if she use soap. She said yes. Meanwhile, didn’t hear tap running and realized the soap isn’t within her reach. This is the investigative journalism or lawyer that I’m talking about. I asked to smell her hands to see if she use soap. I explained that it’s okay to forget, but not okay to lie.

00;16;56;22 – 00;17;17;02
Dr. Mona
Love it. And also, are you in my house because my son recently started doing this too? An appropriate way to clarify without accusation. Can you show me how you wash your hands? This allows them to explain their actions without directly accusing them of lying, and it may actually prompt them to be like, well, fine. I didn’t. Reminding them of the boundary.

00;17;17;06 – 00;17;35;10
Dr. Mona
It’s really important we wash our hands to keep them clean and keep our cells healthy. Can you show me what you did so we can make sure they’re really clean? Or washing hands is really important to stay healthy. Let’s go wash our hands together. It’s always good to double check. Rather than saying you’re lying. You can also encourage honesty.

00;17;35;13 – 00;17;52;16
Dr. Mona
I know you went to the bathroom, but I didn’t hear the water. And your hands don’t have soap. If you didn’t wash your hands this time, that’s okay. To be honest with me. Let’s just make sure we do it now. And remember, for next time or we can’t eat until they’re washed. Let’s do it again. I can come with you if you like.

00;17;52;18 – 00;18;13;09
Dr. Mona
By doing this, you are stating what you saw. Trying to be honest with them and showing that collaboration and curiosity is how you are going to approach these situations versus accusation. And our last one, an anonymous member from our community, wrote in about her four and a half year old and three year old. My son said he broke something brand new when it was actually his little brother who broke it.

00;18;13;11 – 00;18;32;21
Dr. Mona
The nanny told us the next day that it was his little brother who broke it, and when we asked him why, he said it was him, he just shrugged. We explained that we should always tell the truth, even if it means telling on your little brother. When we asked the question, I love how you handle this. Your older son is telling a white lie, which in a way is a positive lie to protect his little brother.

00;18;32;22 – 00;18;48;22
Dr. Mona
That is super sweet. But you’re right. We want to teach about honesty and accountability here and in this case, not ratting out his brother, but not also taking the blame for something he didn’t do. If they lie to protect someone else, you can say, I understand you wanted to protect your brother, but it’s important for us to be honest.

00;18;48;24 – 00;19;07;08
Dr. Mona
Even if your brother broke it, we would figure out what to do. This can validate their intention, but stresses the importance of honesty and reminds your child that not only is his sibling safe when he does something, but he is too. That honesty is important. And a side note on white lies we can teach our children about white lies in general.

00;19;07;11 – 00;19;24;05
Dr. Mona
Maybe your son has seen this positive example from you, your partner, or at school. For example, if a friend’s artwork isn’t great, it’s okay to be honest, but suggest ways to improve in a supportive way. As a parent model behavior. If you choose to tell a white lie, explain why you made that decision and how you weighed the potential outcomes.

00;19;24;05 – 00;19;46;03
Dr. Mona
And this is especially useful as your child gets older and you’re teaching about lying in general. When it comes to lying, we have to approach the conversation with less judgment and more trust and curiosity in order to build more trust and honesty for the future. Rather than punishing your child for lying. Attempt to have these open discussions where you can discuss lying.

00;19;46;07 – 00;20;05;00
Dr. Mona
State what you see as the truth and how that might differ from what they’re saying, and teach them the consequences of lying. Explain that being honest is important to your family, and that you will be honest to them as well, and expect that in return. If the lying continues for a specified thing, you can consider loss of privileges by setting clear expectations.

00;20;05;02 – 00;20;21;09
Dr. Mona
I know you can learn how to be truthful and that is important to our family. So right now you can’t do X, Y, and Z and we can try again next time. If your child is getting into a cycle of dishonesty, it’s important to really dig deep and see if there’s an issue with trust, respect, and connection between you and them.

00;20;21;11 – 00;20;40;13
Dr. Mona
These three things are the foundation of a grown up child relationship. And for more on that, make sure to listen to my podcast episode, The Three Things Every Child Needs from the Grown UPS in Their Life. As we navigate these complexities of parenting, it’s crucial to remember that our children’s honesty is not a black and white issue, but a journey filled with many nuances.

00;20;40;15 – 00;21;00;22
Dr. Mona
When we approach situations where our kids lie with compassion rather than judgment, we create a safe space for them to learn and grow by fostering an environment where mistakes are met with empathy and support. We help our children build trust and learn from their experiences and develop a stronger sense of integrity and honesty.

00;21;00;24 – 00;21;22;14
Dr. Mona
Thank you for joining me today on this deep dive into why kids lie and what we can do about it. Remember when your child spins a wild tale about the dog eating their homework or their broccoli? It’s not the end of the world. It’s the start of their storytelling career. Lying is just a pitstop on the road to learning honesty, and we have to learn how to lie so that we can learn what is right and what is wrong.

00;21;22;17 – 00;21;40;07
Dr. Mona
So stay patient, stay curious, and maybe even take notes for their future memoir. Next week we welcome Doctor Daria Long, E.R. doctor, a mom of three and safety expert. Is it safe to co-sleep? Are all those antisense products worth it? And what really happens when your baby rolls over on their own? When they sleep? Do you have to roll them back?

00;21;40;09 – 00;22;00;08
Dr. Mona
Join us for an eye opening conversation where we separate myths from facts. Tackle those tough what if moments, and share lifesaving tips to help parents everywhere sleep a little sounder. Let’s talk about what every parent needs to know about SIDs, safe sleep and finding a balance between culture and safety. Make sure to tune in next week. Have a wonderful week ahead and stay well.