In this solo episode, I reflect on a question that stopped me in my tracks: Why am I not worthy of my own love? Inspired by the passing of James Van Der Beek and a clip that deeply moved me, this conversation opens up a bigger discussion about self-love, self-worth, and how both begin taking shape in childhood.

As a pediatrician and mom, I share why helping our children build a strong sense of worth may be one of the most important things we ever do. We talk about how unconditional love, emotional validation, secure attachment, and the way we speak to our kids, and ourselves, all shape the inner voice they carry for life. I also explore how comparison, shame, performance-based praise, and dismissed emotions can quietly chip away at self-worth over time.

What I discuss:

• Why self-love and self-worth begin forming in childhood

• How unconditional love helps children feel secure and worthy

• The link between secure attachment and lifelong self-worth

• Why tying worth to grades, behavior, or achievement can backfire

• How dismissed emotions can shape a child’s inner voice

• The harm of comparison, and what to say instead

• Why kids learn self-love by watching how we treat ourselves

• Small ways parents can model self-compassion at home

• How the way we speak to our children becomes the way they speak to themselves

00:00 Intro, The Inner Voice Kids Carry for Life
01:16 The James Van Der Beek Question That Sparked This Episode
04:43 Why Self-Love Shapes a Child’s Whole Life
08:06 How Self-Worth Gets Chipped Away in Childhood
09:58 Unconditional Love and Secure Attachment Build Self-Worth
11:54 Why Kids Should Not Tie Their Worth to Achievement
13:17 Emotional Validation, Comparison, and Protecting a Child’s Sense of Self
15:45 How Kids Learn Self-Love by Watching Us

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00;00;00;04 – 00;00;20;24

Dr. Mona

That inner voice doesn’t appear out of nowhere. It’s built slowly in the everyday moments of childhood and how mistakes are handled, and whether love feels steady, and whether their feelings are understood in the words they hear from us and the words they hear us say about ourselves. And one day that voice becomes their own. The voice that speaks to them when life gets hard.

 

00;00;20;26 – 00;00;41;17

Dr. Mona

The voice that says this hurts, but I’m still worthy of care. The voice that says I was loved and I’m worthy of love. The voice that says I am loved. And the voice that says I love myself. And that voice begins with how we love them.

 

00;00;41;19 – 00;01;01;20

Dr. Mona

Welcome back to the show. I’m Doctor Mona, pediatrician and mom. And this show, the PedsDocTalk Podcast, is a space where we talk about child health development, parenting, and the bigger questions that shape how we raise our kids. As a pediatrician, I spent a lot of time reflecting on parenting through the lens of child development, secure attachment, and psychology.

 

00;01;01;23 – 00;01;16;25

Dr. Mona

And if you’re new here, you’ll quickly learn that I care deeply about values based parenting and helping families raise kids with connection, intention, understanding, and healthy communication.

 

00;01;16;28 – 00;01;41;15

Dr. Mona

Today’s episode was inspired by the death of a beloved millennial actor. Many of you who grew up in the late 90s early 2000 will remember James Vanderbeek from Dawson’s Creek. Dawson. A lot of us grew up watching that show. He died of cancer recently, and a video he made while going through chemotherapy circulated online, and I hadn’t seen it until his passing, and it really stuck with me.

 

00;01;41;18 – 00;01;50;06

Dr. Mona

I watched it more than once, send it to friends, watch it with my husband because of one simple question he asked. But I want you to hear it first.

 

00;01;50;08 – 00;02;03;07

James Van Der Beek

It has been the hardest year of my life, and I wanted to share something that I learned with young. When I was younger, I used to define myself as an actor.

 

00;02;03;10 – 00;02;26;08

James Van Der Beek

Which was never really all that fulfilling. And then I became a husband, and that was much better. And then I became a father, and that was the ultimate. I could define myself then as a loving, capable, strong, supportive husband, father, provider, steward of the land that we’re so lucky to live on. And for a long time, that felt like a really good definition.

 

00;02;26;08 – 00;02;30;25

James Van Der Beek

To the question, who am I? What am I?

 

00;02;30;28 – 00;02;56;08

James Van Der Beek

And then this year, I had to look at my own mortality in the eye and become nose to nose with death. And all of those definitions that I cared so deeply about were stripped for me. I was away for treatment so I could no longer be a husband. That was helpful to my wife. I could no longer be a father who could pick up his kids and put them to bed and be there for them.

 

00;02;56;08 – 00;03;22;11

James Van Der Beek

I could not be a provider because I wasn’t working. I couldn’t even be a steward of the land because times I was too weak to prune all the trees during the window, that you’re supposed to prune them. And so I was faced with the question, if I am just a two skinny, weak guy alone in an apartment with cancer.

 

00;03;22;14 – 00;03;26;19

James Van Der Beek

What am I?

 

00;03;26;21 – 00;03;27;21

James Van Der Beek

And I meditated and the.

 

00;03;27;21 – 00;03;59;17

James Van Der Beek

Answer came through I am worthy of God’s love. Simply because I exist. And if I’m worthy of God’s love, shouldn’t I also be worthy of my own? And the same is true for you. And as I move through this healing portal toward recovery, I wanted to share that with you, because I think that revelation that came to me was due in no small part to all the prayers and the love that had been directed toward me.

 

00;03;59;18 – 00;04;22;15

James Van Der Beek

So I offer that to you. However it sits in your consciousness, however it resonates. Run with it if the word God trips you up. I certainly don’t know how it came to know what God is or explain God. My efforts to connect to God are an ongoing process that is a constant unfolding mystery to me. But if it’s a trigger, it feels too religious.

 

00;04;22;16 – 00;04;31;18

James Van Der Beek

You can take the word got out, and your mantra can simply be, I am worthy of love.

 

00;04;31;21 – 00;04;37;01

James Van Der Beek

Because you are.

 

00;04;37;03 – 00;04;42;21

James Van Der Beek

Thank you for the love and prayers, everyone. Have a blessed day.

 

00;04;42;23 – 00;05;07;09

Dr. Mona

When I heard that, it really hit me. The question he asked was simple but incredibly deep. Why am I not worthy of my own love? That question sits at the center of something I think about a lot. As a pediatrician and as a parent. Self-love, self-worth, and how those things are shaped long before adulthood. It’s something that has been on my mind even more lately, because I’m in the process of writing my first book.

 

00;05;07;12 – 00;05;28;18

Dr. Mona

The book itself isn’t about self-love, but I am in a book writing buzz. And maybe book number two idea. But as caregivers, our role is to guide our children in building healthy relationships with the core parts of themselves a healthy relationship with sleep, with their emotions, with food, with their bodies, and with their sense of self-worth and self-love is part of that foundation.

 

00;05;28;20 – 00;05;57;04

Dr. Mona

Because when a child learns that they matter, that they are worthy of care and respect, it shapes how they move through the world. It shapes how they respond to failure, how they handle relationships, how they care for their bodies, and how they talk to themselves when life gets hard. If I could give my children one lifelong gift, it would not be straight A’s or would not be talent trophies, financial success, elite college acceptance, or an impressive career, it would not be fame, status or even finding the love of their life.

 

00;05;57;07 – 00;06;15;22

Dr. Mona

It would be that they grew up loving themselves and believing they are worthy. Because the truth is, loving yourself shapes everything else. It shifts the kind of relationships you accept. It shapes whether you can set boundaries. It shifts whether you can receive love without questioning it. It shifts whether you allow yourself to feel joy in your own life.

 

00;06;15;25 – 00;06;35;25

Dr. Mona

Someone can find the love of their life but still feel empty if they do not know how to love themselves. Self-love is what carries a person. When life gets hard and life will get hard, there’s going to be rejection, heartbreak, mistakes, losses, and moments where things fall apart. In those moments, the voice inside your head becomes incredibly important.

 

00;06;35;27 – 00;06;59;02

Dr. Mona

Is it harsh or is it compassionate? Does it tear you down? Or does it say, this really hurts, but I’m still worthy of care and love? And that voice does not appear out of nowhere. It begins forming in childhood. It begins with the words our children hear from us, the way we respond to their mistakes and the way we show them what love and self-respect look like through our actions.

 

00;06;59;05 – 00;07;22;13

Dr. Mona

Over time, the way we speak to our children becomes the way they learn to speak to themselves. The safety, acceptance, and unconditional love they experience with us becomes the soil or self-love grows. So what do I actually mean when I say self-love? Self-love is not arrogance, and it’s not thinking you are better than anyone. Self-love is the quiet belief that you deserve care, respect, and compassion, including from yourself.

 

00;07;22;15 – 00;07;40;25

Dr. Mona

It’s the understanding that your value comes from who you are, not just what you accomplish in this world. It means being able to make mistakes without believing you are the mistake. It means struggling without deciding you are unworthy. It means understanding that you do not have to be perfect to be worthy of love. Self-love also shows up in how you treat yourself.

 

00;07;40;27 – 00;08;05;24

Dr. Mona

It’s valuing yourself enough to set boundaries and expect to be treated with respect, just as you would treat others. It’s learning to speak to yourself with kindness instead of constant criticism. It’s getting to know yourself what makes you shine, your strengths, your weaknesses, and accepting that being human means you won’t be perfect. It also means allowing yourself to experience joy, rest, and care without feeling like you have to earn it first.

 

00;08;05;26 – 00;08;25;18

Dr. Mona

The truth is, many adults struggle with this. You can see it everywhere. Adults who constantly criticize themselves. Adults who believe their value is tied entirely to achievement and productivity. Adults who stay in situations where they are not treated well because deep down, they don’t feel that they’re worthy of something better. And a lot of that doesn’t begin in adulthood.

 

00;08;25;18 – 00;08;58;08

Dr. Mona

Like I mentioned, it begins much earlier. Sometimes self-worth gets chipped away in subtle ways in childhood, when mistakes are met with shame instead of guidance. When a child. Here’s what’s wrong with you far more often than I’m here to help you. When love feels conditional on behavior, performance, or achievement, when emotions are dismissed instead of understood, when children feel compared to siblings, classmates, or other kids, when their worth feels tied to grades, trophies, or being the good kid when their needs are minimized or their voice doesn’t feel heard.

 

00;08;58;11 – 00;09;18;25

Dr. Mona

None of these moments alone define a child, but over time, they can shape the voice a child begins to carry inside themselves. And our brains already have what psychology calls a negativity bias. We naturally notice problems and threats more than praise or safety. So if a child hears criticism more often than compassion, that voice can become the one they carry into adulthood.

 

00;09;18;28 – 00;09;44;29

Dr. Mona

Then you add the world we live in constant comparison social media feeds full of curated lives and unrealistic standards. It becomes very easy for people to feel like they are not enough. And how can you feel self-love when you feel like you’re not enough? And that’s why I think about this so much. As a pediatrician and as a parent, because the foundation of self-love begins in childhood and the good news is the same everyday moments that can chip away at self-love can also build it.

 

00;09;45;02 – 00;09;58;10

Dr. Mona

And that’s where we as caregivers come in. Now, let’s take a quick break to hear from our sponsors whose support helps us keep bringing you this show.

 

00;09;58;13 – 00;10;26;03

Dr. Mona

So how can we build our child’s soil of self-love so we can grow? There are so many ways, but I want to discuss a few. The first is showing unconditional love and it communicates one powerful message. You always matter to me. Kids need to experience love that is not dependent on performance, behavior, or achievement. They need to know their worth, and love does not disappear when they make a mistake, that they are love for who they are, not just when things go well.

 

00;10;26;05 – 00;10;44;29

Dr. Mona

Because the truth is, it’s easy to show love when our kids are listening, behaving, and everything is going smoothly. The real question is what our love looks like when things are hard, when they’re yelling, when they’ve made a mistake, when they’ve disappointed us, when they’re not following a boundary. Those are the moments that teach children, whether love is steady or conditional.

 

00;10;45;02 – 00;11;04;11

Dr. Mona

Do they still feel connection or do they hear these things more times than not? I’m not talking to you right now. Go away until you can behave. I don’t want to deal with you. This is also a build secure attachment. It’s the sense a child develops that their caregiver is a safe place. Someone they can return to when they’re hurt, overwhelmed, or struggling.

 

00;11;04;14 – 00;11;34;10

Dr. Mona

And I often think about the lighthouse parenting concept from Kenneth Ginsberg. The idea that as parents, we stand like a lighthouse. We don’t control the waves, and we can’t prevent every storm in our child’s life. But we remain steady, visible, reliable, a light. They can always find their way back to. That’s what secure attachment feels like to a child, knowing there is a safe home waiting for them, and that we will help them ride the waves when the waters get tough, that they may make mistakes or things may be difficult, but we always love them.

 

00;11;34;13 – 00;11;54;12

Dr. Mona

Sometimes with slips out of our mouth. Sounds like what is wrong with you? Why would you do that? You’re being bad. But what we want children to hear is something different. I love you, and we need to fix what happened. That choice wasn’t okay. But we’re going to figure this out together. I’m here. Let’s work through this. The behavior gets corrected, but the child’s worth is never questioned.

 

00;11;54;12 – 00;12;17;04

Dr. Mona

Your love for them is constant. And over time, the way you love them becomes the way they learn to love themselves. Another way we foster self love is by making sure our child’s identity isn’t tied entirely to what they accomplish. Just like love should not be conditional. A child’s words should not feel conditional either when their value feels tied to grades, trophies, behavior, or being the good kid.

 

00;12;17;06 – 00;12;35;25

Dr. Mona

They begin to believe that they are only worthy when they succeed, or when they meet expectations and when they fail. It doesn’t just feel like a mistake, it starts to feel like something is wrong with them. But what we want children to learn is something different, that their value is not measured by outcomes. Sometimes the children hear sounds like why didn’t you get a better grade?

 

00;12;36;01 – 00;12;55;26

Dr. Mona

You should have done better. You know you’re smarter than that. Instead, we want to communicate something deeper. Hey, I saw how hard you worked on that. I’m proud of how you kept trying. And you should be really proud of yourself. Mistakes help us learn. What can we do next time to get better? Because when we focus only on outcomes, kids learn to chase approval.

 

00;12;55;29 – 00;13;17;14

Dr. Mona

When we focus on effort, growth, and character, they learn something much more powerful. They learn that their value isn’t dependent on perfection. And that message becomes part of how self-love grows. Children who know their worth is not tied to success are more willing to take risks. Try again. Keep growing because failure no longer threatens who they believe they are and how they can love themselves.

 

00;13;17;16 – 00;13;39;01

Dr. Mona

Another way we chip away at self-love is when emotions are dismissed instead of understood. Sometimes we may say things like you’re overreacting, stop crying. It’s not a big deal. But when children hear that more times than not, they start to believe something deeper that their feelings are wrong, too big or inconvenient. Instead, we can respond in a way that acknowledges the feeling while still holding limits.

 

00;13;39;03 – 00;13;59;10

Dr. Mona

I see you’re upset. That’s really frustrating. It makes sense that you’re disappointed and then the boundary can still stay. Hey, I know you’re mad. Screen time ended. It’s hard to stop when you’re having fun, but it’s time to turn the TV off. When we respond this way, we are communicating something powerful. Hey, your feelings matter and that I of the caregiver can still hold the limit.

 

00;13;59;12 – 00;14;19;17

Dr. Mona

Children learn that emotions are not something to hide or feel ashamed of. They learned that big feelings do not make them bad or difficult. And that matters for self love. Because when kids feel safe having their emotions, they begin to trust their inner world instead of rejecting it. They learn that every part of them, even the messy emotional parts, is still worthy of care.

 

00;14;19;17 – 00;14;39;26

Dr. Mona

Love, and understanding. Comparison is another place where self-love can quietly chip away. Sometimes it happens in very obvious ways. Children hear things like, oh, why can’t you be more like your sister? Look how well your friend did. But often it happens in more subtle ways. As parents, we might point out what another child is doing, hoping that it motivates our child.

 

00;14;39;28 – 00;14;56;26

Dr. Mona

What children often hear in those moments, though, is something different. They begin to believe that who they are is not quite enough. And when kids grow up feeling like they constantly need to measure up to someone else, it becomes very hard for them to tap into their own skin and find their self-love. Instead of learning to appreciate who they are.

 

00;14;56;27 – 00;15;19;27

Dr. Mona

They start looking outward. But every child has different strengths, different timelines, and different ways. They shine. And that doesn’t mean we can’t acknowledge what other kids are doing well. The key is how we frame it. Instead of saying, why can’t you do it like them? We can say that was really kind of them to help their friend. I like how they kept trying when it was hard, or celebrating someone else’s strength without making our child feel smaller.

 

00;15;19;29 – 00;15;45;10

Dr. Mona

And at the same time, we can reflect on our child strengths back to them. I love how curious you are. You always ask such thoughtful questions. I noticed how kind you were. When children grow up hearing that, they learn something powerful. Other people’s successes don’t threaten who I am. And that matters for self-love. Because self-love grows when a child learns they don’t have to compete to feel good about themselves, that they can appreciate others while still valuing who they are.

 

00;15;45;15 – 00;16;08;08

Dr. Mona

And finally, children learn self-love by watching how we treat ourselves. Kids don’t learn self-love from lectures. They learn it by observing the adults around them. And I’ll be honest, this is something many adults struggle with. My husband is one of them. Self-love didn’t come naturally to him because of how he was raised. One small thing we do in our house that has actually been eye opening for him is a little game with our kids.

 

00;16;08;11 – 00;16;24;03

Dr. Mona

We’ll say, raise your hand if you love mommy. Raise your hand if you love Ryan. Hands go in the air. Raise your hand if you love your eye. Hands in the air. Then we say raise your hand if you love daddy. Hands in the air. And then we say raise your hand if you love yourself. My kids will raise their hands, their feet.

 

00;16;24;04 – 00;16;42;21

Dr. Mona

But their tongue in the air. Sometimes their whole body. And just start laughing and say, I love you, I love myself, and now my son will even initiate it. Hey, mommy, raise your hand if you love yourself. Kids often start with that natural belief that they matter. Our job as parents isn’t to dim their light, and it’s not to lecture it into them.

 

00;16;42;24 – 00;17;03;07

Dr. Mona

It’s to protect love. And what has been beautiful is watching my husband see the joy and confidence our kids have when they say they love themselves. It’s been a reminder for him, too, that maybe he’s also worthy of that same love because he is. When James Vanderbeek died and I watched that video of him asking, why am I not worthy of my own love?

 

00;17;03;10 – 00;17;23;01

Dr. Mona

I remember turning to my husband and saying, I don’t want you or anyone I love to wait until the end of their life to realize they were worthy of loving themselves. And that moment honestly, and helped inspire this episode. Because part of raising children who love themselves means we are also learning how to speak to ourselves with more self-love.

 

00;17;23;03 – 00;17;42;08

Dr. Mona

This doesn’t mean you suddenly wake up with perfect self-love. For many adults, it takes practice. Sometimes it means slowly reconnecting with the parts of yourself that may have been dimmed by childhood experiences, or the ups and downs of life. Sometimes it starts with small shifts. Instead of saying out loud, I’m so stupid, you pause and say, that didn’t go how I hoped.

 

00;17;42;10 – 00;18;05;02

Dr. Mona

Instead of saying I messed everything up. You try. Mistakes happen. I’ll try again tomorrow. It might mean letting your child hear you say things like that was a tough day, but I’m really proud of how I handled it. Or my body works really hard today. I’m just so grateful for that. These moments might feel small, but they matter because when we say those things out loud, two things are happening at the same time.

 

00;18;05;04 – 00;18;26;09

Dr. Mona

One, our children are hearing how to speak to themselves with self-love, but we’re also practicing rewiring our brain. For many adults, the harsh inner voice has been rehearsed for decades. It’s automatic. So when we start saying compassionate things out loud, even if it feels a little awkward at first, we were slowly teaching the wires in our brains a new way to respond.

 

00;18;26;11 – 00;18;50;16

Dr. Mona

And there are other small ways parents can start rebuilding that self-love, too. It might look like catching yourself when you start criticizing your body in front of your kids and shifting the language instead of I hate how I look today. You might say, I’m so grateful I was able to move my body today. It might look like allowing yourself to rest without apologizing for it, or letting your child hear things like, I’m learning to.

 

00;18;50;18 – 00;19;13;14

Dr. Mona

Sometimes it simply means noticing something about yourself you did well and saying it out loud. I handled that really well. I kept trying, even though that was hard. These moments aren’t about pretending everything is perfect. They’re about showing that mistakes, effort, rest, and self-compassion are all part of being human. And when children grow up hearing that language, they learn something powerful.

 

00;19;13;17 – 00;19;40;24

Dr. Mona

They learn that loving themselves is normal. And in the process, many of us as parents are learning that too. Because over time, the way children hear us speak to ourselves become the way they learn to speak to themselves. That inner voice doesn’t appear out of nowhere. It’s built slowly in the everyday moments of childhood and how mistakes are handled and whether love feels steady, and whether their feelings are understood in the words they hear from us and the words they hear us say about ourselves.

 

00;19;40;26 – 00;20;07;26

Dr. Mona

And one day that voice becomes their own. The voice that speaks to them when life gets hard. The voice that says this hurts, but I’m still worthy of care. The voice that says, I was loved and I’m worthy of love. The voice that says I am loved. And the voice that says I love myself. And that voice begins with how we love them fully, steadily and unconditionally.

 

00;20;07;29 – 00;20;25;14

Dr. Mona

Thank you so much for listening. If this episode resonated with you, please make sure to download, subscribe and turn on automatic downloads so you never miss a conversation. Share it with a friend posted on social. Remember tag me. PedsDocTalk and the PedsDocTalk podcast so I can see it too. And don’t forget to join my newsletter through the link and caption.

 

00;20;25;14 – 00;20;38;16

Dr. Mona

I have so many exciting announcements, tips and resources coming your way. And until next time, take care of your kids, take care of each other and don’t forget to practice a little self-love along the way. I’ll catch you all next time.