You may have heard the terminology “strong-willed child“, but how do they differ from just say a typical toddler who also desires independence, control, and wants what they want? And what to do about power struggles and how can we reduce them?

In this episode, I discuss:

• What makes the strong-willed child unique in temperament
• How you know you’re in a power struggle
• How to reduce power struggles before they start and if they do happen

Check out all the PedsDocTalk toddler resources HERE!

00;00;00;00 – 00;00;22;28

Dr. Mona

It’s important to remember that it takes two to have a power struggle. The more you push, the more they’re going to push back. The more you push, the more they will resist. This applies to everything in parenting. Picky eating. Potty training. Boundary setting. Tantrums. And a lot of it has to do with tone. The way we raise our voice, and so much more.

 

00;00;23;00 – 00;00;47;07

Dr. Mona

You’re going to know you’re in a power struggle when you want your child to do something. And there’s yelling, screaming, pushing and resisting on their part. And you are joining in on that with the same energy. Welcome to the PedsDocTalk Podcast, a podcast on all things parenting and child health and development. It’s such an honor knowing there are thousands of you joining me from around the world.

 

00;00;47;08 – 00;01;06;00

Dr. Mona

Thank you so much for being here. Make sure you leave a review or rating so more people can discover this podcast. I can’t express how important that is for this podcast to continue to grow. I asked my Instagram followers at PedsDocTalk what topic they wanted me to discuss today, and I gave a option for a vote.

 

00;01;06;02 – 00;01;29;20

Dr. Mona

Power struggles, stronghold kids, behavioral concerns at school or preschool or behavioral regressions and power struggles and Stronghold Kids won this time. As a reminder, I’m launching Toddler Resources and courses on May 1st, 2023, which includes so many topics on child behavior, tantrums, picky eating, potty training, and a guide on toddler development that you do not want to miss.

 

00;01;29;20 – 00;01;57;22

Dr. Mona

So make sure you sign up for our newsletter to learn more about that. So what exactly is a strong willed child and how do they differ than just, say, a typical toddler? Doctor. Mona. All toddlers crave independence, are emotional and like what they want. Well, this is true, but strong willed children are all of these. But to an extreme, sometimes you’ll realize you have a strong willed child when you have other children who are just different in temperament, or you’re noticing way more power struggles with your strong willed kiddo.

 

00;01;57;24 – 00;02;22;08

Dr. Mona

You’ll notice this temperament after two and a half years, and definitely through 3 to 4 years of age. A strong willed kiddo tends to elicit more power struggles with you, largely due to these personality traits, and it will be your job to work with these traits while setting boundaries. One. They’re independent. The I do is extremely strong from ages 2 to 4 and beyond.

 

00;02;22;11 – 00;02;40;26

Dr. Mona

They must do things on their own, and any time you try to help them before they’re allowed, they do not like that. Number two, they’re determined. They want what they want. If they want to play with that toy, they won’t stop until they get it. They won’t stop until you hear them, and they will incessantly talk about what they want.

 

00;02;40;28 – 00;03;03;26

Dr. Mona

If they want to watch a TV show, they will ask over and over and over, leading to number three, which is a variation. They will not stop asking you for something, even if you say it’s happening or coming. They will ask and ask and ask and ask and ask. They will keep bringing it up over and over. And my son is a strong willed kiddo, so I’ve been there.

 

00;03;03;26 – 00;03;25;26

Dr. Mona

And a lot of strategies I’ll talk about in this episode will go over personal and professional experience, understanding child development. Number four strong willed kiddos tend to be very outspoken or verbose. They tend to be very chatty, and maybe in school or preschool, they’re considered a leader. They’re very outgoing. They talk to people a lot, and they’re actually kind of bossy sometimes.

 

00;03;26;03 – 00;03;46;25

Dr. Mona

They say, you can sit here, you can do this. And like I said, this is more than just your typical toddler. They want to boss their teacher around. They want to boss you around. They want to boss other kids around. And by bossiness, I mean dictate who’s talking when, who’s doing something, when they have their wants and desires, and they want everyone to know that that’s what needs to happen.

 

00;03;46;27 – 00;04;08;29

Dr. Mona

People will describe your kiddo as more talkative than other kiddos, and they like to be in control of conversations, and they like to be in control of situations. Number five they’re emotional. Now all toddlers are, but you will find your struggle child will have a harder time when they don’t get to be independent, when they don’t get to channel their determination, and when their passions can’t be met.

 

00;04;09;01 – 00;04;39;03

Dr. Mona

You may be dealing with more intense emotions with these moments where you are doing all the things that you know what to do, verbalizing giving them space. But when they don’t get what they want, it is 0 to 180 immediately. And this is common in strong willed children. The last one, which of course there’s many other characteristics, but the one I want to talk about is they’re inflexible, even with usual tricks, your child can feel inflexible when it’s not something they want to do.

 

00;04;39;05 – 00;05;02;14

Dr. Mona

And remember, these children are often labeled as stubborn, but they are really spirited children, and this is their temperament and personality. And like I mentioned earlier, you are going to realize you have a strong willed child mainly if you kind of look at other children, but also if you have more than one child in your house, you’re going to say to yourself, well, this is a little different.

 

00;05;02;21 – 00;05;25;15

Dr. Mona

And again, this is nothing wrong. This is nothing inferior. Superior. Just like we have kids who are more shy or kids who are more adaptable to new situations. All kids are unique, including the strong willed child. One of the biggest pitfalls we can fall into with our children, especially toddlers, is a power struggle. It’s important to remember that it takes two to have a power struggle.

 

00;05;25;17 – 00;05;47;16

Dr. Mona

The more you push, the more they’re going to push back. The more you push, the more they will resist. This applies to everything in parenting. Picky eating. Potty training. Boundary setting, tantrums. And a lot of it has to do with tone. The way we raise our voice and so much more. You’re going to know you’re in a power struggle when you want your child to do something.

 

00;05;47;23 – 00;06;08;21

Dr. Mona

And there’s yelling, screaming, pushing and resisting on their part and you are joining in on that with the same energy. So whether you have a strong willed child or not, these following tips can be helpful with the strong willed child and power struggles. Give them control when possible. If they’re upset because they want to try putting on their shirt, I get it that it takes time.

 

00;06;08;21 – 00;06;28;24

Dr. Mona

If you’re in a rush, but when you have these opportunities, just say it’s a weekend or the evening, or you have a little bit of extra time. I want you to give them the control. Hey, why don’t you try and then I’ll help you. Allow space for their desired autonomy and give up the control if you can’t, because you have to leave the house.

 

00;06;28;28 – 00;06;49;25

Dr. Mona

You say I see you are taking some time, so I’m going to help you right now. You’re doing a great job. And then you swiftly and quickly help them without getting escalated. The reality is, your child may be upset because they want to do it. Sometimes you are going to have to do it for them. But I want you to say what you’re doing, verbalize and get the job done.

 

00;06;49;28 – 00;07;14;02

Dr. Mona

Sometimes offering that control can really help, and I encourage you to offer control choices, which we’ll get into in those situations that you know that there are typically power struggles. Using the example of bedtime routines or stalling picky eating, potty training, giving them control puts them in the driver’s seat. Now, as a parent, of course, you have to maintain boundaries and you have to move things along.

 

00;07;14;07 – 00;07;30;03

Dr. Mona

So you’re going to have to find that balance of saying, okay, here, why don’t you do it? And then when you’re going to need to step in. But remember that when you step in, you have to make sure you are calm and matter of fact, not saying, okay, oh my gosh, I’m going to do it now. Fine. Oh you want to do it?

 

00;07;30;08 – 00;07;45;03

Dr. Mona

That is escalation. I’m talking very matter of fact, I see that you want to do this, but I need to help you because we got to get out of the house. I’m going to put your shoes on, and then we’re going to go. Do you want to take a toy with you? You’re just saying it, matter of fact, and not joining them in that power struggle.

 

00;07;45;05 – 00;07;59;28

Dr. Mona

The next one is use their cognitive development and ask questions. If they don’t want to do something, say, I hear you don’t want to wash your hands. Can you tell me why I see that you don’t want to use the potty? Are you scared of the potty? I see you don’t want to wait. Can you tell me why we have to wait?

 

00;08;00;02 – 00;08;22;16

Dr. Mona

This is especially useful for your strong willed two and a half. Definitely three year old and over, because their cognitive development is skyrocketing and you’re allowing them to use those wheels of development, especially for that child who just doesn’t want to wait. Why do we have to wait? What would you like to do while we wait? And then you can get to strategy number three, which is offering two choices.

 

00;08;22;18 – 00;08;44;13

Dr. Mona

All children love choices, but the strong willed child especially loves choices to feel in control and assert their independence and autonomy and show you that they’re in control. Remember to not overuse control. Use it for situations where you usually feel power struggles happening. Things like the meals, the bedtimes, or maybe potty training. Like I mentioned already. Overusing it can lose its cachet.

 

00;08;44;13 – 00;09;01;23

Dr. Mona

So you don’t want to wake up. And from the moment they wake up, you’re giving two options for every single thing. You want to make it that. They understand that sometimes they don’t always have a choice. Not always, but that more times than not, you’re giving them an option, especially with things that you know can lead to power struggles.

 

00;09;01;25 – 00;09;22;17

Dr. Mona

If dealing with potty training, say, want to use the floor, potty, or the big potty? Do you want to try in 5 minutes or 10 minutes? Do you want to set the timer? Give two options, but let them decide for perceived control. What I mean by perceived control is that you, as the parent, are deciding the options. Try not to use open ended questions like what do you want to do right now?

 

00;09;22;17 – 00;09;39;13

Dr. Mona

Do you want to choose this thing? You are giving them two options that they can choose from. So this is why this works. You as the adult are setting the boundary. You’re giving them the two options. They can’t willy nilly decide what they want. Using the example of breakfast. Hey, we can have oatmeal or we can have eggs.

 

00;09;39;18 – 00;09;59;12

Dr. Mona

Which one would you like today? Rather than saying, what do you want to eat? Because that open ended ness doesn’t allow the toddler brain to understand that there is still some boundaries and you are creating the boundary, but you are giving them options within those boundaries. For strong willed kiddos who for separate, I want to go to the park.

 

00;09;59;16 – 00;10;23;24

Dr. Mona

I want to go to the park. I want you to go to the park. Offer a brief explanation. Keep it very, very brief. We can’t go now because we’re about to eat lunch. We can’t go because it’s raining. Pause. Do not join the rise. If you yell, scream, say stop talking. They will push more. If it’s getting to be a cycle of incessant questions where you’re literally had said that brief explanation.

 

00;10;23;24 – 00;10;38;18

Dr. Mona

We can’t go now because we’re about to eat lunch. We can’t go now because we’re about to eat lunch. You hear the tone in my voice. I’m not saying, oh my gosh, we can’t go. How many times? Right. You are just going to keep repeating it. I see you want to go to the park. We can’t go now because we’re about to eat lunch.

 

00;10;38;26 – 00;10;54;10

Dr. Mona

And then using the example I just mentioned. If you need to transition them to that activity, offer them the two choices. Give them some control. Example here would be we can’t go to the park right now. It’s lunchtime. Do you want to wash your hands in the bathroom? Or do you want to wash your hands at the kitchen sink?

 

00;10;54;12 – 00;11;12;15

Dr. Mona

Do you want to use this soap or the soap? Do you want the blue plate or green plate? By allowing them some choice in transitional activities. You are diverting the power struggle into their control. Of course, they need to get the thing done that you want them to do. But you are saying, okay, here’s what we’re going to do.

 

00;11;12;18 – 00;11;32;18

Dr. Mona

But why don’t you decide what plate you have? Why don’t you decide where you wash your hands? These are all boundaries, right? You are wanting them to eat. You’re wanting them to wash their hands, whatever it is. But you are giving them some perceived control by choosing something in that activity. If you yell, scream, say, stop talking in that moment where they’re eating right, they’re going to push more.

 

00;11;32;21 – 00;11;50;22

Dr. Mona

If it’s getting to be a cycle of incessant questions. Offer a related consequence here. I see you want to go, but if you keep asking, we’re not going to go. So choose what you would like to do. Remember the tone and delivery matter so much, and this is why I’m glad that I can record this on a podcast.

 

00;11;50;22 – 00;12;10;26

Dr. Mona

And with my toddler courses coming up, because you are going to hear how important it is, the delivery of what we want them to do for strong willed kiddos who are impatient. Verbalize what you see. I see you don’t want to wait and redirect either with choice or problem solving. So using an example of a child at a restaurant, we’re at a restaurant and we have to wait for our food.

 

00;12;11;03 – 00;12;32;11

Dr. Mona

Would you like to color or go for a walk or at a restaurant? Can you tell me why we have to wait? Turn their impatience into a way to embrace their cognitive processing skills. And like I mentioned, this is extremely useful after three. You can gauge your child’s development and see if maybe after two and a half. But I know the three year old, because of their cognitive development, wants to problem solve.

 

00;12;32;17 – 00;12;50;00

Dr. Mona

They’re not obviously a problem solver like us, but they want to kind of see what’s going to happen, maybe have an idea of what’s coming. Using the restaurant example, you may hear them say, oh, they’re making food. You’re going to build on that. You’re going to talk with them on that. You’re going to have those cognitive wheels keep turning.

 

00;12;50;02 – 00;13;11;22

Dr. Mona

And also you can have the redirection, like I mentioned, with two choices. If you need them to be distracted from the incessant I want my food, I want my food, I want my food at the restaurant. If power of choice is giving, control and using cognitive development to ask questions still leads to a power struggle. They’re upset and you’re upset, or they’re frustrated and you are.

 

00;13;11;24 – 00;13;29;08

Dr. Mona

It’s important to just take a step back. You have to do this because our toddler will not. It’s a hard reality, but it’s important to remember. Taking a step back can mean saying, hey, look, I think you’re upset and so am I. Let’s have a do over. It can be offering a hug. I see this is really hard.

 

00;13;29;09 – 00;13;46;15

Dr. Mona

Would you like a hug? And offer this in the place of the struggle? If bedtime is the struggle, hug in the bedroom. If potty training is a struggle, hug in the bathroom or while on the toilet. If it’s meal time, hug them there. Remember, you are not forcing a hug on them. You are offering it. Would you like a hug?

 

00;13;46;17 – 00;14;12;07

Dr. Mona

Do you think that maybe we should have a hug right now? Show them that they’re worth is more than just this discord and you love them. You love them that this power struggle is not defining your relationship and that you, as the adult, are de-escalating it. And like I mentioned, you have to be the one to de-escalate. Our toddlers and children are not capable of de-escalation, and the more they see us de-escalate power struggles, the more they’re going to understand that this is how we do things in this family.

 

00;14;12;10 – 00;14;30;02

Dr. Mona

It could be letting go of control and letting them have it. You know what? Why don’t you try putting on your shorts? And if you need me, come find me for our son. We have different things that can lead to power struggles. But I have learned how to work with him. And so with me. He doesn’t get into these battle of power struggles.

 

00;14;30;08 – 00;14;48;05

Dr. Mona

He is dealing with a little bit of power struggles with teachers at school, and also with my husband, and definitely with grandparents because they do not know how to approach him in his temperament. It’s really important to understand that you got to let go of control when you can’t, and this can still mean that boundaries are being set.

 

00;14;48;07 – 00;15;03;27

Dr. Mona

Using the example of getting on his clothes in the morning. I have created a routine that mommy will help you because of speed. We got to get through things. We have short amount of time. We got to get to school. But when it’s the weekend evening, Ryan wants to put his clothes on himself. He’s pretty good at it.

 

00;15;03;28 – 00;15;20;18

Dr. Mona

I mean, he’s three little over three, but sometimes he gets things backwards. Sometimes he takes a long time. But I let him have it. And I say, take your time. If you can’t do it, I’m here to help. And if you keep repeating that, the more you do that, the more they’re going to figure it out, because they’re having space to figure it out.

 

00;15;20;20 – 00;15;36;26

Dr. Mona

But they’re more they’re going to realize that, you know, after some time, if they can’t do it, they will come find you. And they know that it’s not leading to this escalation that, oh my gosh, why is it taking so long? Same thing with putting on shoes. Same thing with brushing teeth. Now with brushing teeth. That can be the ultimate power struggle because you’re like, come on, just do it.

 

00;15;36;26 – 00;15;52;27

Dr. Mona

Just do it. And it’s like right before bedtime or maybe in the morning, but I want you to give them an opportunity first, right. Give them control when possible. It’s very important because children love it, especially the strong willed child, the one that says, I do. Say, okay, why don’t you try? And then when you’re done, I’m going to help you with brushing teeth.

 

00;15;52;27 – 00;16;13;00

Dr. Mona

You have to help them after because they’re not very able to do a full cleaning. So you’re going to next bring the playfulness. This is the last tip which I think is really important. Power struggles can be high stress. So diffuse the stress by cracking a joke, laughing, singing a song, getting silly. Diffuse it rather than joining the chaos.

 

00;16;13;06 – 00;16;31;21

Dr. Mona

So when you notice that it’s starting to rise, right? No, mommy, I don’t want to brush teeth. No, daddy, I don’t want to go to bed. I want you to bring the silly pretend that you are a dinosaur, a monster, whatever it is that they love. Pretend to be that. Bring some music in. Especially with brushing. I love brushing songs that are to your favorite beat.

 

00;16;31;23 – 00;16;54;09

Dr. Mona

This can again de-escalate the situation and bring more calm rather than stress into a situation that’s normally high energy and high stress. Remember that we have to be the ones to de-escalated situations. It may be tiring, but not only does this make sense, since our young children do not have the cognitive and emotional awareness to do this fully, but it also models this for them.

 

00;16;54;12 – 00;17;11;22

Dr. Mona

The more they see us do this, the more they see us not join their chaos and say, okay, wow. The more they realize that this is how things work. Now, of course, power struggles can be very stressful and you are going to get those moments where you’re like, I just can’t. I’m so tired. You get upset, you yell, you snap.

 

00;17;11;22 – 00;17;30;07

Dr. Mona

I’ve been there. I’m not saying that you can’t have those moments. What I’m saying is, I want you to take the strategies in this episode. Strategies that are coming in my toddler course, available May 1st, and really implement them, because you are going to bring more peace into your family. This doesn’t mean that your child will always behave.

 

00;17;30;14 – 00;17;48;20

Dr. Mona

That term makes me cringe a little bit, because the goal is not to have a child who sits and behaves and doesn’t speak, and does all of that. Our goal with our children is for them to understand boundaries, understand what needs to get done, and with time they will understand all of this with your guidance. I hope you enjoyed this episode.

 

00;17;48;26 – 00;18;16;05

Dr. Mona

My toddler resources coming out May 1st are comprehensive and I am so excited about it. In the Toddlers and Tantrums course, I go over topics like managing tantrums, coping skills, teaching emotional intelligence to our toddlers, importance of debriefing with kids, and over 30 common toddler issues including power struggles. I cannot wait for you to see it! Sign up for our newsletter so you don’t miss all the details, including the launch promo pricing, which is a stellar value.

 

00;18;16;08 – 00;18;28;18

Dr. Mona

As always, if you like this episode, make sure to leave a review or rating, especially on Apple Podcasts. And until next time, stay well and I cannot wait for more episodes coming your way on the talk podcast.