Power struggles feel like part of the toddler job description, but they don’t have to run the whole house. In this episode, I break down what’s really happening in those intense moments and how small shifts in tone, control, and connection can turn things around. This isn’t about “winning” a battle. It’s about helping your child feel capable while keeping your own sanity intact.

We talk through the everyday situations that spark the most battles, why strong-willed kids push back as hard as they do, and how to meet them with calm authority instead of getting pulled into the chaos. You’ll learn how to give healthy control without giving up your boundaries, how to use your child’s growing cognitive skills, and how to de-escalate when emotions spill over on both sides.

If you’re tired of standoffs at mealtime, bedtime, the bathroom, or anywhere in between, this episode will help you feel more steady, more clear, and less stuck in the tug-of-war.

In This Episode, We Cover:

✔️ Why it takes two to have a power struggle
✔️ When to give control and when to step in
✔️ How to offer choices without losing structure
✔️ Simple scripts that shift the tone instantly
✔️ Using cognitive development to your advantage
✔️ Redirecting repetitive demands without escalating
✔️ How to recover when things go sideways
✔️ Playfulness as a tool for reducing tension

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00;00;00;02 – 00;00;24;01

Dr. Mona

Welcome to the follow up. I’m Doctor Mona, and this is where we revisit a favorite episode of the PedsDoctalk podcast. In less time than it takes your strong willed child to negotiate their way out of putting on shoes. I recorded this one back in 2023, when my son was three and a half and very spirited. At the time, we leaned heavily on the strong willed label.

 

00;00;24;06 – 00;00;47;06

Dr. Mona

It fit. He pushed, he tested, he wanted agency and every inch of the day, just like his mother. But as the years have passed, I’ve learned more about why he reacted the way he did compared to my daughter at the same age. He had a harder time with transitions, noise, and busy environments. What looked like simple pushback was often his body saying, this is too much.

 

00;00;47;11 – 00;01;10;11

Dr. Mona

And that’s why he was being strong willed for control. That’s when I started rethinking the strong willed label. Some kids are strong willed because that’s their temper mint. But some kids are actually neurodiverse and some kids sit in the overlap. Strong willed is the surface. Neurodiversity can be the wiring underneath. A strong willed child has a drive for control and independence.

 

00;01;10;13 – 00;01;33;25

Dr. Mona

A neurodiverse child like my son with sensory stimulation concerns may look the same on the outside, but the reasons inside are different. Sensory overload. Hard times. Shifting attention. Fast rising. Frustration. Needing predictability. Those are nervous system needs, not a battle of personalities. And the real question for parents becomes is this a temperament clash or a nervous system need?

 

00;01;33;27 – 00;01;54;21

Dr. Mona

For us, the answer started to show when meltdowns weren’t just about limits, they were about overload. They were about a brain working hard to just keep up with the day. And this is why I wanted to rerelease the episode, because the strategies still hold. They work for strong willed kids and for neurodiverse kids. The difference is how we read the moment and the anger is always the same.

 

00;01;54;23 – 00;02;18;14

Dr. Mona

Power struggles take two people. As you’ll hear, it takes two to tango. But the adult has to be the steady one. So let’s jump back into these tools. They carried us then, and they’re going to still carry us now. Remember to tap to download the full episode and subscribe. Remember, the downloads really helped the show continue to grow and tag at the PedsDocTalk podcast and PedsDocTalk on social media when you share the episode.

 

00;02;18;19 – 00;02;25;07

Dr. Mona

Let’s get into the follow up.

 

00;02;25;10 – 00;02;45;16

Dr. Mona

One of the biggest pitfalls we can fall into with our children, especially toddlers, is a power struggle. It’s important to remember that it takes two to have a power struggle. The more you push, the more they’re going to push back. The more you push, the more they will resist. This applies to everything in parenting. Picky eating. Potty training.

 

00;02;45;19 – 00;03;04;10

Dr. Mona

Boundary setting. Tantrums. And a lot of it has to do with tone. The way we raise our voice, and so much more. You’re going to know you’re in a power struggle when you want your child to do something. And there’s yelling, screaming, pushing and resisting on their part and you are joining in on that with the same energy.

 

00;03;04;12 – 00;03;25;15

Dr. Mona

So whether you have a strong willed child or not, these following tips can be helpful with the strong willed child and power struggles. Give them control when possible. If they’re upset because they want to try putting on their shirt. I get it that it takes time if you’re in a rush, but when you have these opportunities, just say it’s a weekend or the evening, or you have a little bit of extra time.

 

00;03;25;17 – 00;03;46;28

Dr. Mona

I want you to give them the control. Hey, why don’t you try and then I’ll help you. Allows space for their desired autonomy and give up the control. If you can’t, because you have to leave the house, you say, I see you are taking some time, so I’m going to help you right now. You are doing a great job, and then you swiftly and quickly help them without getting escalated.

 

00;03;47;05 – 00;04;09;07

Dr. Mona

The reality is, your child may be upset because they want to do it. Sometimes you are going to have to do it for them. But I want you to say what you’re doing. Verbalize and get the job done. Sometimes offering that control can really help, and I encourage you to offer control choices, which we’ll get into in those situations that you know that there are typically power struggles.

 

00;04;09;12 – 00;04;29;00

Dr. Mona

Using the example of bedtime routines or stalling picky eating, potty training. Giving them control puts them in the driver’s seat. Now, as a parent, of course, you have to maintain boundaries and you have to move things along. So you’re going to have to find that balance of saying, okay, here, why don’t you do it? And then when you’re going to need to step in.

 

00;04;29;02 – 00;04;45;21

Dr. Mona

But remember that when you step in, you have to make sure you are calm and matter of fact, not saying, okay, oh my gosh, I’m going to do it now. Fine. Oh you want to do it? That is escalation. I’m talking very matter of fact. I see that you want to do this, but I need to help you because we got to get out of the house.

 

00;04;45;26 – 00;05;00;26

Dr. Mona

I’m going to put your shoes on, and then we’re going to go. Do you want to take a toy with you? You’re just saying it. Matter of fact and not joining them in that power struggle. The next one is use their cognitive development and ask questions. If they don’t want to do something, say, I hear you don’t want to wash your hands.

 

00;05;00;27 – 00;05;23;28

Dr. Mona

Can you tell me why I see that you don’t want to use the potty? Are you scared of the potty? I see you don’t want to wait. Can you tell me why we have to wait? This is especially useful for your strong willed two and a half, three year old and over. Because their cognitive development is skyrocketing and you’re allowing them to use those wheels of development, especially for that child who just doesn’t want to wait.

 

00;05;24;01 – 00;05;44;07

Dr. Mona

Why do we have to wait? What would you like to do while we wait? And then you can get to strategy number three, which is offering two choices. All children love choices, but the strong willed child especially loves choices to feel in control and assert their independence and autonomy and show you that they’re in control. Remember to not overuse, control.

 

00;05;44;09 – 00;06;03;11

Dr. Mona

Use it for situations where you usually feel power struggles happening. Things like the meals, the bedtimes, or maybe potty training. Like I mentioned already. Overusing it can lose its cachet, so you don’t want to wake up. And from the moment they wake up, you’re giving two options for every single thing. You want to make it that. They understand that sometimes they don’t always have a choice.

 

00;06;03;15 – 00;06;23;23

Dr. Mona

Not always, but that more times and not you’re giving them an option, especially with things that you know can lead to power struggles. If dealing with potty training, say, wants to use the floor, potty, or the big potty, do you want to try in 5 minutes or 10 minutes? Do you want to set the timer? Give two options, but let them decide for perceived control.

 

00;06;23;25 – 00;06;40;09

Dr. Mona

What I mean by perceived control is that you as the parent, are deciding the options. Try not to use open ended questions like what do you want to do right now? Do you want to choose this thing? You are giving them two options that they can choose from. So this is why this works. You as the adult are setting the boundary.

 

00;06;40;10 – 00;07;03;24

Dr. Mona

You’re giving them the two options. They can’t willy nilly decide what they want. Using the example of breakfast. Hey, we can have oatmeal or we can have eggs. Which one would you like today? Rather than saying, what do you want to eat? Because that open ended ness doesn’t allow the toddler brain to understand that there is still some boundaries and you are creating the boundary, but you are giving them options within those boundaries.

 

00;07;03;27 – 00;07;21;24

Dr. Mona

For strong willed kiddos who perceive it, I want you to go to the park. I want you to go to the park. I want you to go to the park. Offer a brief explanation. Keep it very, very brief. We can’t go now because we’re about to eat lunch. We can’t go because it’s raining. Pause. Do not join the race.

 

00;07;21;26 – 00;07;40;22

Dr. Mona

If you yell, scream, say stop talking. They will push more. If it’s getting to be a cycle of incessant questions where you’re literally had said that brief explanation. We can’t go now because we’re about to eat lunch. We can’t go now because we’re about to eat lunch. You hear the tone in my voice. I’m not saying, oh my gosh, we can’t go.

 

00;07;40;28 – 00;07;57;20

Dr. Mona

How many times? Right. You are just going to keep repeating it. I see you want to go to the park. We can’t go now because we’re about to eat lunch. And then using the example I just mentioned. If you need to transition them to that activity, offer them the two choices. Give them some control. Example here would be we can’t go to the park right now.

 

00;07;57;25 – 00;08;21;14

Dr. Mona

It’s lunchtime. Do you want to wash your hands in the bathroom? Or do you want to wash your hands at the kitchen sink? Do you want to use this soap or the soap? Do you want the blue plate or green plate by. Allowing them some choice in transitional activities. You are diverting the power struggle into their control. Of course, they need to get the thing done that you want them to do, but you are saying, okay, here’s what we’re going to do.

 

00;08;21;18 – 00;08;41;18

Dr. Mona

But why don’t you decide what plate you have? Why don’t you decide where you wash your hands? These are all boundaries, right? You are wanting them to eat. You’re wanting them to wash their hands. Whatever it is. But you are giving them some perceived control by choosing something in that activity. If you yell, scream, say, stop talking in that moment where they’re eating right, they’re going to push more.

 

00;08;41;20 – 00;09;06;02

Dr. Mona

If it’s getting to be a cycle of incessant questions, offer a related consequence here. I see you want to go, but if you keep asking, we’re not going to go. So choose what you would like to do. Remember the tone and delivery matter. So much for strong willed kiddos who are impatient. Verbalize what you see. I see you don’t want to wait and redirect either with choice or problem solving.

 

00;09;06;09 – 00;09;24;28

Dr. Mona

So using example of a child at a restaurant, we’re at a restaurant and we have to wait for our food. Would you like to color or go for a walk or at a restaurant? Can you tell me why we have to wait? Turn their impatience into a way to embrace their cognitive processing skills. And like I mentioned, this is extremely useful after three.

 

00;09;25;00 – 00;09;44;16

Dr. Mona

You can gauge your child’s development and see if maybe after two and a half. But I know the three year old, because of their cognitive development, wants to problem solve. They’re not obviously a problem solver like us, but they want to kind of see what’s going to happen, maybe have an idea of what’s coming. Using the restaurant example, you may hear them say, oh, they’re making food.

 

00;09;44;19 – 00;10;02;10

Dr. Mona

You’re going to build on that. You’re going to talk with them on that. You’re going to have those cognitive wheels keep turning. And also you can have the redirection, like I mentioned, with two choices. If you need them to be distracted from the incessant I want my food, I want my food, I want my food at the restaurant.

 

00;10;02;12 – 00;10;24;27

Dr. Mona

If power of choice is giving control and using cognitive development to ask questions still leads to a power struggle. They’re upset and you’re upset, or they’re frustrated and you are. It’s important to just take a step back. You have to do this because our toddler will not. It’s a hard reality, but it’s important to remember. Taking a step back can mean saying, hey, look, I think you’re upset and so am I.

 

00;10;25;02 – 00;10;42;07

Dr. Mona

Let’s have a do over. It can be offering a hug. I see this is really hard. Would you like a hug? And offer this in the place of the struggle? If bedtime is the struggle, hugging the bedroom is potty. Training is a struggle. Hug in the bathroom or while on the toilet if it’s meal time. Hug them there.

 

00;10;42;09 – 00;10;59;09

Dr. Mona

Remember, you are not forcing a hug on them. You are offering it. Would you like a hug? Do you think that maybe we should have a hug right now? Show them that they’re worth is more than just this discord. And you love them. You love them. That this power struggle is not defining your relationship and that you, as the adult, are de-escalating it.

 

00;10;59;12 – 00;11;16;18

Dr. Mona

And like I mentioned, you have to be the one to de-escalate. Our toddlers and children are not capable of de-escalation, and the more they see us de-escalate power struggles, the more they’re going to understand that this is how we do things in this family. It could be letting go of control and letting them have it. You know what?

 

00;11;16;21 – 00;11;30;26

Dr. Mona

Why don’t you try putting on your shorts? And if you need me, come find me. It’s really important to understand that you got to let go of control when you can. And this can still mean that boundaries are being set. Now, with brushing teeth, that can be the ultimate power struggle because you’re like, come on, just do it.

 

00;11;30;26 – 00;11;46;27

Dr. Mona

Just do it. And it’s like right before bedtime or maybe in the morning. But I want you to give them an opportunity first, right. Give them control when possible. It’s very important because children love it, especially the strong willed child, the one that says, I do. Say, okay, why don’t you try? And then when you’re done, I’m going to help you with brushing teeth.

 

00;11;46;28 – 00;12;07;01

Dr. Mona

You have to help them after because they’re not very able to do a full cleaning. So you’re going to next bring the playfulness. This is the last tip which I think is really important. Power struggles can be high stress. So diffuse the stress by cracking a joke, laughing, singing a song, getting silly. Diffuse it rather than joining the chaos.

 

00;12;07;07 – 00;12;25;21

Dr. Mona

So when you notice that it’s starting to rise, right? No, mommy, I don’t want to brush teeth. No, daddy, I don’t want to go to bed. I want you to bring the silly. Pretend that you are a dinosaur, a monster, whatever it is that they love. Pretend to be that. Bring some music in. Especially with brushing. I love brushing songs that are to your favorite beat.

 

00;12;25;23 – 00;12;48;10

Dr. Mona

This can again de-escalate the situation and bring more calm rather than stress into a situation that’s normally high energy and high stress. Remember that we have to be the ones to de-escalated situations. It may be tiring, but not only does this make sense, since our young children do not have the cognitive and emotional awareness to do this fully, but it also models this for them.

 

00;12;48;12 – 00;13;05;23

Dr. Mona

The more they see us do this, the more they see us not join their chaos and say, okay, wow. The more they realize that this is how things work. Now, of course, power struggles can be very stressful and you are going to get those moments where you’re like, I just can’t. I’m so tired. You get upset, you yell, you snap.

 

00;13;05;23 – 00;13;28;28

Dr. Mona

I’ve been there. I’m not saying that you can’t have those moments. What I’m saying is, I want you to take the strategies in this episode and really implement them, because you are going to bring more peace into your family. This doesn’t mean that your child will always behave. That term makes me cringe a little bit, because the goal is not to have a child who sits and behaves and doesn’t speak and does all of that.

 

00;13;28;29 – 00;13;41;28

Dr. Mona

Our goal with our children is for them to understand boundaries, understand what needs to get done, and with time they will understand all of this. With your guidance.

 

00;13;42;01 – 00;13;50;19

Dr. Mona

And that’s your follow up. Just a small dose of the real, relatable and eye opening conversations we love to have here. If you smiled, nodded, or had an.

 

00;13;51;11 – 00;13;56;08

Dr. Mona

Moment, go ahead and download, follow and share this episode with a friend. Let’s grow this village.

 

00;13;56;08 – 00;14;19;01

Dr. Mona

Together for more everyday parenting wins and real talk. Hang out with us on Instagram at the PedsDocTalk podcast. Want more? Dive into the full episode and more at PedsDoctalk.com. Because parenting is better with support. And remember, consistency is key. Humor is medicine and follow ups are everything. I’m Doctor Mona. See you next time for your next dose.